Writing Feedback / A creation of the mind - "Imagination" essay [7]

In short, to "Imagine", is to reason. Imagining is to the mind, what beating is to the heart, a cavalier, incognizant, untamable reflex; so why write an essay on the basis of such a monotonous concept?, the answer is simple, I do not intend to.

Maybe this is better, above.

You see, while to imagine is to take a step to preserving life, it is imagination that qualifies us to imagine.

The untrained mind is a beautiful thing, because it holds no prejudice, it is saturated with one's most sincere and candid beliefs, it is so true unto itself that one must solicit the mind to liberate the words to speak.

Sean's right about this too, you can't state as fact, something that is just your opinion.

:)

Writing Feedback / Lit Review (Borderline Personality Disorder) [3]

It seems like sometimes you have an extra space within the in-text citations. Maybe that is just something that happens when you paste it into essay forum? For example ---->Allport and Eysenk (Hall & Lindzey, 1970 ). At this stage the work on personality was based on decades of clinical observation (Fowler, K.A., O'Donahue, W., and Lilienfield, S.O., 2007 ).

Under "Biological Factors." you explain the bpd does not necessarily cause the decreased metabolism, but what does the research have to say about decreased metabolism as a precursor to bpd? It is really interesting that this diagnosis is made largely based on symptoms. I can't believe the definition of the disorder says it is an irreparable personality flaw!! How awful... what little wisdom was put into concocting this one; I'm glad you are challenging it!

But ARE you challenging it? I guess I think there should be a section heading for the criteria of "personality disorder," since that is in your thesis statement. Do you think there is even any merit to the disorder itself? It is terrible vague (like ADD... what exactly is an attention "deficit" ???!!!).

I think you should cite some more sources that make arguments similar to yours. Give a section heading that tells the reader, "Look, this is what people are saying is wrong with the notion of BPD!"

I think maybe the reason you asked if you were clearly addresing the thesis is that you sort of know that you need to attack it a little more clearly and directly. :) Do that with carefully worded section headings and by citing some of the sources that have been cited by other articles that challenge bpd. I recommend questia.com even though it costs $20 for a month. (We are in no way affiliated with it, I just love it!).

This is impressive material! Now, attack the validity of this disorder! I hope you blow it out of the water, because the idea of bpd seems a little sketchy to me. When you have time, PLEASE check out The Body Electric by Becker for a different approach to personality disorders and other aspects of medicine.

Undergraduate / SMU essay (took part in the victory) [19]

This is all about the race, but it is supposed to be about three different activities! I guess you need to start with a para that names three activities and something they all have in common; three activities, but they all show aspects of you. You need to sum this race up in one para and then move on to the other two experiences/achievements.

300 words is only one page... about three paragraphs. I guess I think you should name three activities in the intro, describe those activities in the middle paragraph, and then reflect on them in the final paragraph.

It is best if you talk about them altogether in each paragraph, because you do not have room in 300 words to spend a para on each... the most important thing is to unify them by writing a thesis sentence at the end of para #1. The thesis should name three QUALITIES, one for each experience, that you will bring to this school.

Good luck revising!!

Remember: name the three activities in para #1, then at the end of para #1 tell the qualities that go with them. After that, elaborate and explain in a longer para #2. Finally, end with a reflective para about how you will bring these qualities with you to the school, and into your future.

Undergraduate / "Changing lives of so many people" ; UT Austin Transfer- SOP [5]


This (above) does a good job of getting the right effect of you being the one on the table.
I stood stiff as my eyes were fixed ...the word "stood" threw me off some.

I stared down at a middle aged man who had a noticeably large scar which ran vertically down his abdomen.

The surgeon explained that this man was from Argentina, and the scar was a result of a surgery he'd had at a young age.

You could see the joy radiate from the family when they were told that the surgery was successful.

This is a memory I will never forget, and at that moment I realized my purpose in life was to pursue a career in medicine.

To help one person, let alone thousands of people, will give my life true meaning.

Watch out for mixing past and present tense...oh, also, I think it could very well BE life threatening...didn't Andy Gibb (from the BeeGees) die from an intestinal blockage?

Good luck in school

:)

Writing Feedback / "That Night I Proposed" - ENGLISH 080 essay [7]

Me too! But I didn't want to admit it.

:)

Writing Feedback / Thesis Statement About My Goals (semi-pro football) [6]

This is SO much better!!! The organization set forth in the first paragraph is brilliant.

My likes could consist of a long list, so I'd like to write about two pursuits that I'm passionate about, and the y are football and computers. Accordingly , there are two goals that I really want to accomplish and they are: obtaining my A+ certificate and wining a semi pro championship.

The three things from my background that have a big...

or:

The three things from my background that had a big ... either way is fine.

I think you should write "eight" instead of 8, "twelve" instead of 12, thirty instead of 30.

Too many times, you say there are many things you like, etc.

Edit your intro for conciseness, then give one paragraph about each of those three pursuits, and then sum it all up with a good, reflective conclusion paragraph. THEN, go back and edit the whole thing for conciseness... taking out all unnecessary words and phrases like karate kid trimming a bonzai tree (See Karate Kid I)

:)

This would be even better if you could find a unifying theme that CONNECTS those three aspects of this essay. What do they all have in common? Whatever it is, the real you is in there.

Undergraduate / Admission Essay - Subject of importance to me (Diseases Du Jour) [4]

With these sort of side deals like these , it is no surprise that the DSM has increased in size to 297 disorders in a massive 886 pages.

It does not matter if you use direct quotes in some paragraphs and not others. The important kind of "balance" is the kind where you make sure the exposition of dissoc. pers. disorder, ptsd, and bipolar are balanced by the main point you are making with your thesis. You need to make such a powerful thesis statement (probably at the end of the first para) that it balances the rest of the essay.. make a strong thesis, so the reader is perfectly clear about what you are saying.

I know what you are saying, though, and to you I recommend the book The Body Electric by Becker. You'll end up figuring out a way for us to all regenerate body parts and live forever. :)

BTW, thank you, Amanda, for giving such great feedback, and please check out the EF Contributor page.

Essays / I need help on writing Informative (and Surprising) essay. [8]

Thank you, Amanda, for your kind words. Your extremely cool username, by the way, probably lifts peoples spirits as often as do our encouraging replies.

Writing Feedback / Short Story (heart still aches for Darren) [6]

Every nook and cranny of the empty house had a story to tell, and I was terrified that the memories we had made would be forgotten.

Use a comma to separate the 2 halves of a compound sentence (above).

his perfect imperfections.----> You are brilliant!! This is a great essay, and I love your ability to "keep it real", eloquently, with passion. Congratulations for being able to write a piece like this. Use your superpowers to uphold goodness and justice!!!

Grammar, Usage / Another MLA question [11]

I agree with Sean!! It is awkward, but cite over and over again. Sometimes, though, it is alright to write a few sentences and then at the end of the paragraph cite the source they came from.

Note: The second sentence in this seems to be taken word for word from a website. Google that sentence and you'll see it at the top of the list, with "clearly" instead of "dominantly"

Dissertations / E-commerce Security Issues, e-business proposal [10]

Go ahead and expand what you want to expand. As you help us to understand, maybe your understanding will improve, too. Just remember that this is not a place where you can just get the answers (some people try to avoid having to work and learn!). I hope I can help you in the way you need. Good luck!!!

Undergraduate / "What I can contribute to UTSA" (University of Texas at San Antonio) [5]

Ha ha, yeah, at first I thought it was where you go to learn how to elude that wile coyote.

Okay, this looks good and enthusiastic.

"As a student at UTSA, I pledge not only to be a positive role model in the class room but out of it as-well. I vouch that my contributions to the roadrunner university will be beneficial as I hope to walk on UTSA's athletic teams such as the track team, basketball team, and participate the intramural program.

I also wish to join the roadrunners organized clubs and have a positive impact on them by [doing what extraordinary things?].

This is a different subject and need to be in a new paragraph: Education is a tool that must be used everyday in order to be successful and I see UTSA to guiding me to a brighter future; (after this semi-colon, say something specific about how it can do that, why you see that, what makes you choose this school)

If you got rejected the first time, you need to be very strong here with you impression you make. What if you were someone who had a passionate vision to build kids' self-esteem through athletics... and give them the empowerment YOU recieved through sports? Can you be that person? Try to get specific, and really be this person whom the school cannot do without.

Writing Feedback / "Green Jeans" / "The love of my life" / "Fathers" - rhetorical essays (finals) [9]

Wow, I really like the essay called "Fathers." About the other two, I have to disagree with Mustafa's harsh critique. Insipid means boring, as far as I know, and it is not boring... and I don't know what "redundantly" boring could mean... boring twice? Maybe he meant to say that the essay included points that were mentioned more than once, and that that made it boring. At any rate, what is insipid to one person is interesting to another person.

I also think that if you are going to call you neurotic it should be backed up with reasoning that pertans to some form of neurosis. He said you let the reader get to know you "too well," and I have never heard of that being a fault in an essay.

Good luck!!!

Essays / How to start a statement of purpose for E-business ?? [6]

Great choice of action. I agree that e-commerce is a great thing to study. So, why is this particular school perfect for you? For each school to which you apply, explan why it is the perfect choice! :) It may not even have the perfect program, per se, but perhaps there are some great faculty members with whom you identify... and perhaps the school has certain resources.

Years ago, I worked on a suicide hotline, and one of the concerns was that if a person had a clear plan about how they would do it, that meant they might be REALLY serious!! In a twisted sort of way, the same principle applies here: Show that you have a clear plan for your future at this school and beyond.

Writing Feedback / Essay on equal gender in university [4]

I don't know how hight the standards are for IELTS, but this is looking very good. Implement Sean's changes, and you will be doing even better. Great job!!

Grammar, Usage / APA formatting - Review Essay [17]

Hi, I actually don't know what made me type that! Somehow, I missed the reference list example... it was not my intention to say you could not abreviate. I just flipped through the APA manual and could not find a specific rule about that, but I am guessing it is fine to abbreviate. My error! :)

Undergraduate / Technology for ESL Students [6]

Hello,

That last post from Sean was moved here to this new thread in case Ruth did not see it yet. Everyone should start a new thread for each new essay. However, after making revisions to an essay, keep ne new drafts in the same thread.

Ruth, you know, the "interactive whiteboard" is very popular now for esl instruction. You can even find videos of it on google's video search option.

Other technology is simple email correspondence... are you teaching children or adults? Teaching children, it is great to use a pen pal email program to help kids practice communicating in English.

Undergraduate / Texas Austin - (rat surgery) [7]

...life full of this excitement that I felt. (right after this sentence, give the thesis sentence by saying you want to attend [name of school] and contribute meaningfully as a part of the [name of academic program] so that you can be empowered to succeed as a [what type of] surgeon.

:))

The first sentence is great!!! It really gets a reader interested. You are doing well.

This enabled me to relate...

Alright, and remember, when you write your conclusion, sum it all up by referring back to that thesis statement and reflecting on it. Good luck!!!!

Writing Feedback / When I am in uncertainty I feel my emotions at their strongest [5]


Did you intend that as a joke? That is really funny!! Second guessing your essay about uncertainty... hahahha

Hey, what is up with capitalizing "television," as if it was a proper noun? Don't do that! tv is the devil!

...around a says, "All four of them have made it, all four of
(above) For dialogue, use a comma-space-quotation mark-capital letter:

...around and says, "All four of them have made it, all four of...

Ah I see what Sean means about the thesis statement. Yes, write a good, solid, meaningful assertion at the end of the first paragraph. Don't leave us uncertain about your main idea!

Undergraduate / U of Illinois Academic Interests and Goals - Legend [5]

Hey, this looks great! I think it will make a good impression.

Undergraduate / "The great communicator" - exemplification on a time I changed [9]

Separate the 2 halves of a compound sentence with a comma:

They had always been willing to do the work, but they needed to understand the why.

Haha, you don't need to defend anything, you're great. The reason I went on at such length is because I can SO relate to your situation... especially lately! I only told you that stuff as my genuine reaction to the way you worded the stuff, not because I think you necessarily are, like, what was it that I was just called earlier today... strongheaded! Someone just called me that a few hours ago, and I vehemantly objected, denying that I was strongheaded and refusing to budge even a little bit on the issue.

Ha hahaa... the truth is, people are crazy. All of us. That's what I think. So, if you develop the ability to self-regulate, you end up playing the role of the bad guy. Anyway, good luck with this!!!

This essay has a lot of potential to be very funny. You can say that the way you changed was to start being a little more subtle about getting people to do what they are supposed to do... I am not particularly witty right now, but if I was I could suggest a few lines for the last para that make it funny and charming. Just make sure the reader sees that you have great self-awareness, and because the theme is something like.. developing sensitivity and humility... it is good to use some humor if possible. What is the word I am looking for? Self-defecating? hahaha

Undergraduate / The University of Texas (Artistic Impact) [3]

I knew my place, and I wanted to continue to experiment in order for me to be the best in that place.

McCallum is known for its top-notch Fine Arts Academy, and it has brought me back to the wonderland of art. I continued to experiment with different art classes: painting, jewelry and and so forth.

You did an excellent job of respnding to the prompt! Congratulations for being so good at the art of writing in addition to your other artistic strength. I love your essay. Even though the prompt does not call for it, it would be good to include just one or two sentences about how you'll continue to "act upon" your interest with specific programs, facuty members, etc at this school. Perhaps you should do that in the last paragraph.

Essays / I need help on writing Informative (and Surprising) essay. [8]

Wow, that's the story of my life! Well, the thing to do is get into an energetic state of mind, and then read and read, a few different sources about the subject. Then, write one paragraph about it without looking at any of the sources. Explain it as you would explain something to a friend.

Try that, and see how far you get.

Also, and I know this is a cheap trick: just make a list of sentences by copy/pasting material from online articles and put them in a crazy, senseless order in your word document. Next, switch each sentences around (i.e. switch each sentence around next; the next thing to do with th sentences is switch them around; switching sentences around is the next thing to do; sentences written one way can be switched around to be presented in another way; see what I mean? It's like shuffling cards.

And here is the best one: Some word processing prgms (I have office 2003) have a built in thesauras, so you can past material into your word document and then right click a word to see a bunch of synonyms. That is a cheap trick!! But you can quickly find different words to say the same thing.

Dissertations / E-commerce Security Issues, e-business proposal [10]

Ohhh... I thought you meant you were going to post YOUR questions here. That was my mistake; now that I am looking at it again I realize that I should have known you meant you were going to post a question from the class.

Well, the first thing to do is read the class material and make a list of every major point. Try to type or write at least one item on the list for every paragraph of class material. Then, read these questions again, and for each question circle any items on the list that are relevant to it.

By doing that, I will be able to answer based on the class material as you are expected to do. I hope that helps! Sorry it really is not much help... :)

Undergraduate / My 92 year old grandmother. She used to take care of me when I was younger.. [14]

NICE! You are great.
good job.

Research Papers / The Psychological, Physiological, and Neurological effects of Marijuana and Cocaine Use in Humans. [34]

I see that Sean was asking about your treatment of "drug use" as synonymous with "drug abuse," and I don't want to interfere with this very cool sparring match, but I'll just give my impression of it all...

Sean seems to be talking about personal freedom, and you seem to be talking about pragmatism, health, and safety.

Your first point is about how drugs are bad when operating heavy machinery, like cars. This is reasonable to say, but it does not mean that people should not have the freedom to experience drug "use" when not behind the wheel.

Your second point is that some drug users do not contribute to society, but instead leach off of society. This is not a point about drug users, but rather about people who leach off society. Freud, Einstein, Deepak Chopra, the guy who created the Hubble telescope... lots of people have used drugs and made contributions.

Your third point is that people who use drugs suffer and cause their families to suffer. That certainly can be true... it makes me wonder... and I think it is alright for me to digress a little and ask you a question, since this whole thread is a great, crazy digression from the neurological and physical effects of cocaine and weed... and just because you are an interesting person and I am curious... when you say, I understand and appreciate that there are actually people out there who use drugs responsibly and limitedly like they would any product in their pantry or cupboard. But these people are overshadowed by others who can't and don't use it for the purposes they do. For that reason we have to lump them in there as part of the problem. am I correct to infer that you believe that drugs should only be used for the purpose of curing illnesses? Do you believe that drug use for recreational and spiritual purposes is fundamentally irresponsible?

Personally, I have been trying to get over my neediness lately, and that includes drugs, alcohol, eating animals, etc., and I recently quit cigarettes... so personally, I am trying to get away from all habitual patterns. But I don't know if I would suggest that allof humanity should abstain from consuming natural plants, like marijuana and cocaine.

Essays / Struggling with my virtue ethics paper [6]

Hi Jason! I bet we can help! Thanks for participating. Try to get yourself fired up about the virtue and the group, and go for it. Get inspired, and write a sentence that is really worth something. Write a thesis sentence that spills your guts and tells about a virtue that really should be cultivated.

About the structure, try my formula:

Grab the attention by saying something unexpected in the first sentence of the first para.

Write a powerful thesis sentence at the end of the first para.

Write body paragraphs full of thick, beefy, ideas and sensory words, describing the implementation of the virtue.

The conclusion paragraph should reflect on the thesis. It should leave the reader with something "extra," an extra idea. See my comments about thesis statements here: https://essayforum.com/research-11/thesis-statement-help-computer-hardware-5994/

Undergraduate / admission award (art/music) [3]

I am a grade twelve student and an employee with three years of experience working at a family [what kind of?] business.

Right now the economy isn't doing well, creating a situation in which I am given fewer shifts to work and making it harder for us to live the life we used to live.

I would want to help out my parents by applying for financial assistance, whether it is through scholarships or admission awards.

I have been active in school clubs or programs outside the classroom. I have been active in school clubs such as Link Crew. I volunteered as a leader to encourage new comers to enjoy the school, toured them around the school and was someone to look up to. I was also in the café committee for a while, helping to gain more ideas to apply healthier food choices for the students eating in the café. In addition, every Tuesday I would help out grade nine students after school, for those who did not know how to work the machines in the exercise room and work out with them.

I have contributed to my school and/or my community.
I have contributed to my community by helping my small growing church whenever there was 30 hour famine, and other small events to support for 3rd world countries and my church. I also contributed in school during cops for cancer and for other researches.

I have excelled in artistic activates and music . I have done my grade 8 piano exam and both my rudiments theory. Right now I am working on my grade 9 and 10 piano.

What is this all about, anyway? It's to win a scholarship? I hope you have good luck!! What are the criteria that they base the awards on? What s this essay supposed to include. It ends sort of abruptly. It would be good if you introduce a main idea in the beginning, and then talk about it again at the end. Above, I tried to pull it together and tighten it up a bit.

Research Papers / Investigating how a computer and its components works [5]

I believe that what happened to my computer was caused by hardware problems, because I think that it doesn't matter what kind of software is downloaded to the PC, but rather what kind of hardware is installed. This makes me curious to know more about computer hardware.

"computer hardware" does not need to be capitalized.

The thesis sentence is the soul of the essay. It is the single sentence that captures the main idea of the whole essay.

Thesis sentence = Whole Essay = reflective conclusion paragraph. These three things make the same point in different sizes. Essay is biggest, the macrocosm, while conclusion paragraph is mid-sized, and thesis is refined down to a single sentence. See how they are like, all the same main idea?

What is going to be the main idea of your essay? Is it about hardware? If so, do your research, write interesting body paragraphs, and then look to see what your main point is. See what you find out in your research. At the very end, write the thesis statement and conclusion paragraphs based on what cool stuff you came up with in the body paragraphs.

Write the thesis after you write the body paragraphs, so that you know what your main assertion is! :)

When you finish, come fix my computer, because it is running very slow...

Research Papers / Gradute Studies Final Research Project Question [16]

Good idea!! If you end up in a lake, though, be sure to interview the former mob members you run into down there...

Writing Feedback / "That Night I Proposed" - ENGLISH 080 essay [7]

I always wanted to marry Nikki as my lawful wife and to spend the rest of my life with her . Now, right after this sentence, write a thesis statement that makes the essay meaningful. It has to be a sentence that tells the "moral of the story." THEN, move on to the next paragraph.

I finally came up with this one brilliant proposal idea that would guarantee to hear a "yes " from Nikki.

The flowers spread their fragrance far and wide, so I couldn't refrain myself from walking into the shop. I couldn't resist myself to purchasing the flowers; because I wanted to apologize to Nikki for getting into an argument with her. It would also boost up the atmosphere with the 1.25 carat brilliant cut solitaire diamond that was mounted in the 18k white gold engagement ring while I was proposing. Therefore, I bought ninety -nine fresh cut big lush red roses and paid extra to ensure it was deliver to the park on time. (NICE TOUCH!!)

You make me feel like an inadequate boyfriend!!

The funniest part was that, despite being mad at me, she did go to get dressed up.

That IS funny. You are cool.

Great job!!!!!!

Undergraduate / "What I can contribute to UTSA" (University of Texas at San Antonio) [5]

How about making a plan to actually contribute something? In fact, how about going out and doing it! With your activities and athleticism, I would guess you are a people person. Can you research the school to find out how you might initiate a meaningful program... perhaps to help students with disabilities or raise money for underfunded programs? This may sound difficult, but actually it is quite easy to contribute to an organization. you can tell them in your essay that, having been denied admission, you decided to exert great effort to achieve something meaningful. All you need to do is get some current students to join your effort. Can you provide a service, or tutoring, or coaching for younger kids who might somehow be involved with the school? Can you organize a club for college athletes who are willing to spend a weekend or two coaching high school players? That is the best idea I can come up with. the important thing is to actually send out some advertisements right away. Try going to google blogger and starting a blog. You can do it all in a matter of days, and if you schedule a time to plan the event (soccer camp?), you will have great ammunition for the essay!!

Ever heard the stories about the Zen temple where a new person wanted to join and was rejected? He sat outside the temple for several days to show how serious he was about getting in. So, they let him in. I don't think you need to do that (although it would be newsworthy), but the soccer camp thing would be cool.

Just take the first step to start a beneficial organization, and then write your essay! In your essay, provide a link to the blog!

Writing Feedback / Summary Writing on the issue of Urbanization [7]

Yes, even that summary is not okay if it is something that appears on another site. If YOU summarize it for us, great! Also, like us to anything you want, like Sean said. Thanks for participating!!

Undergraduate / Why U of Illinois (puzzle) [7]

Give some examples of how you will fit in like a puzzle piece. Tell about specific plans for when you attend the school.

Undergraduate / U of Illinois Academic Interests and Goals - Legend [5]

This is great, but you need to add to that last part, about the great things about the school. get specific, and name resources, programs, faculty members, etc. you only need to add a few sentences.

Also, it will be good if you can find a way, in the last paragraph, to refer back to something you said in the first paragraph.

Good luck!!!!!

Undergraduate / A person who has an influence (LOVE YOU so much) [9]

Forgive me, Talia, my problem was that when you used the past tense it made me think that your mother was no longer alive! You should use the present tense, or present perfect ("has been").

Writing Feedback / The Ultimate Controversy: Argument Essay [19]

But is trying Brandon as an adult rather than a juvenile the right decision? This is a prominent controversy that encompasses United States courtrooms today: whether or not minors should be tried as adults.

For years, the government clearly follows the policy "that no crime shall go unpunished." --that is not the point, the point is the kind of punishment.

Hey, you are doing great, and your opinion counts just as much as mine, but I have to say I SO disagree! It just seems downright goofy to me that we establish (for very good reason) different ways of trying kids vs adults, and then proceed to try kids as adults when the crime is especially severe. It just makes no sense!!! It's like saying, "We need to increase minimum wage to accommodate the rising cost of living, but if the rising of the cost of living speeds up too much, then nevermind." Well, that is a bad example. It's not that I don't think there should be severe punishments for heinous crimes; I'm just saying that if it is appropriate to hold children to a different standard, then it is inappropriate to change our minds according to the crime.

Why make a policy that kids will be tried differently at all if we are going to be wishy-washy about it?

I also think you should take that stuff about Brandon out of the intro paragraph (everything from New York Times reports ... to... the right decision? and put it in the second paragraph, where you are supposed to give support for your argument.

Good luck!!!

Research Papers / The Psychological, Physiological, and Neurological effects of Marijuana and Cocaine Use in Humans. [34]

All of this feedback and discourse is going to make for quite an impressive essay. I can't wait to see the finished product!

Mustafa, keep in mind that the service being provided by Sean is to give you a reader's thoughtful reaction -- because we all know that our writing seems different to us than it seems to readers. In order to help you make a stronger paper, he tells you about what does not seem right, so try not to have your feelings hurt by the critique. In fact, even if you prove your consultant wrong about some aspect of the discussion, you are still missing the point if you don't go back and see how to change your essay so that other readers, including your teacher, will get the clearest and most credible idea possible. For that reason, it is good to give you a hard time about everything so that you can refine your essay very well. It is no good to write an essay that makes a reader think you have a faulty argument and then explain it after the fact. Take the criticism to heart so that you can come up with ideas about how to best present your case.

At this point, if you still want to talk about the physical and neurological effects, I think you are way off base to be dwelling so much on questions of "why." Put the word "why" in your title if that is what you want to write about.

BTW tachycardia is not a proper noun.

:)

Undergraduate / My 92 year old grandmother. She used to take care of me when I was younger.. [14]

My grandmother showed me, by her example, what it means to be resilient -- never giving up after her stroke, for example .

YES!! Thanks for catching that misplaced coma! You are cool. I'm glad it did not cause you any confusion. This looks great. I think you should probably write out the word ninety-two instead of 92...

Undergraduate / Summer Program (Contribution to the diversity of the culture) [5]

. My family values were passed along not only by parents and siblings, but also by grandparents, uncles, cousins and even some people that aren't even blood related that became part of this extended family through bonds of close friendship.

Not only do we share important events, like birthdays or graduations, but we also take part in each others daily lives as next-door neighbors.

It really is better without the first paragraph, and it flows nicely and is interesting. Good luck in school!

:)