Dissertations / E-commerce Security Issues, e-business proposal [10]

Go for it! And I'll hope to learn a thing or two while you perhaps get some good advice and opinions.

Grammar, Usage / APA formatting - Review Essay [17]

Yes, and sometimes in an APA reference list, you have to put "no date"

Smith, R. (no date). The woes of citing sources. Retrieved February 27, 2009 from: essayforum.com

Undergraduate / "The great communicator" - exemplification on a time I changed [9]

While they had lived with their mother they did not have the guidelines and structure we provide in our home; they had been allowed to stay up all hours of the night. (run-on sentence, so I added a semi-colon.)

Maybe include how old your daughters are when you first mention them.

rewarding and difficult to change the way...

assumed that people were knowledgeable about them .

has enabled me to meet the communication needs of my coworkers.

Perhaps you could shorten the section about your philosophy on parenting and cut out the sentence about believing that kids need structure (it is clear that you believe that as soon as you mention that your ex does not provide it). Shorten the assertion of your beliefs, because that sort of assertion seems to suggest that you are still as opinionated and rigid as ever, ha ha. LENGTHEN the section about deciding to change... and talk about overcoming your perfectionism, overcoming your rigidity. I am not trying to be critical, just to give you my impression of the essay. For example, when you say "meet the communication needs of my co-workers" it sounds like you still have not accepted the fact that greater effectiveness comes with a careful balance of strictness and tactfulness; it sounds like you still are talking about how best to handle people, rather than about how you became a bit more humble and wise.

If you do not want to use the humble approach that I expected after reading the start of the essay... you will have to use some humor, I guess, to soften it up. :)

Research Papers / Gradute Studies Final Research Project Question [16]

Ha ha, good call! Ha ha, I was thinking that it would be pretty exciting, though, if it works out. Maybe Gerald is in deep with the mob. :)

Undergraduate / My 92 year old grandmother. She used to take care of me when I was younger.. [14]

Nice job, everyone! This is the kind of feedback we wish everyone would get from members and contributors. Thanks!!

She used to take care of me when I was younger and she was

She has a kind, gentle smile which... (when you use 2 or more adjectives, use commas to separate them.)

My grandmother showed me, by her example, what it means to be resilient;

She is and always will be influential in my life, as both role model and inspiration.

Essays / Facilitating Children's Learning [11]

Facilitating Children's Learning

I bet you have read much about how children, in their curiosity, are natural learners. They are naturally creative, curious, exploratory. They are little learning machines, and if you brainstorm some powerful words I bet you can write an incredible essay about how you have to FACILITATE that process.

The thing is, they are learning so much so fast at that age, that it is hard and maybe even inappropriate to try to "teach" them the way you teach older kids. Furthermore, you cannot communicate with them as well as you communicate with older kids, so it is a special situation. You need to facilitate their exploration, and that is what this module is about. The developmentally appropriate way to teach early learners is through play and through facilitation of their exploration.

With this understanding, write an awesome essay. As for the innovative resource, what is a device that meets the definition of "innovative" (google that for inspiration) and helps with the delicate process of facilitating learning? How about the Native American talking stick? It is like a game during which the holder of the stick gets to talk while the others listen. That way, they can be in control of what happens as they learn -- language skills, social skills, knowledge of whatever the topic of discussion is, etc. -- but you facilitate their interaction.

If you want a more technological resource, maybe the interactive whiteboard.

Good luck with your very meaningful work!!

Undergraduate / issue of importance to me (medical problems) [4]

Is there maximum word count for you to use? This is so excellent, and I am so impressed by your wisdom... but it needs some more added to it. I want to have you make this clearly about an issue -- in a scope like... the issue of abortion, or the issue of affirmative action... you know, ISSUES! :) But your essay is so great and, well, really, you have a few errors, but YOU are awesome! I love Greatest Physician, for example.

But the point is... take another look at the prompt. See how they expect a thoughtful discussion of a particular societal issue? You can make this essay all about poverty. Would you say that Patrick fell into an unhealthy lifestyle because of a lack of education in his impoverished life? Where the heck were you, anyway??! Oh, I see.. it was Arizona. You can start it the same way you have it here (I love the beginning), but at the end of the first paragraph give a thesis statement about an ISSUE that affected Patrick. It should probably be the issue of providing proper health care for the poor (because you want to be a doctor.) no, no, no, wait! His issue really was a lack of education, wasn't it? How about you add a thesis statement to the end of that first paragraph that says you are concerned about the issue of health education -- something that can be improved by physicians. In the last paragraph, tell them how you will work to help educate the poor.

After you finish this essay, read The Body Electric by Dr. Robert O. Becker!!!

:)

As we bounced along the unpaved roads, it would unhinge just a bit, and I could see where Patrick would soon be laid.

We unloaded our somber cargo under the oppressive sun and the memories with Patrick suddenly crossed my mind as I walked toward him .

He was living in such filth that he was saturated with drugs and alcohol. Should this say, "and" he was...? I don't understand that sentence.

...they provided food and medicine to cure the weakened body from drinking mixed drinks of hair spray and cheap alcohol.

They taught them cleanliness, like to not eat food after a dog has urinated on it as they had in the past.

Patrick's daughter, Ayesha, whom I financially support, was so happy to see us that she gave everyone a hug.

...but he was so ill that he vomited into a large pan filled with similar substances.

As we began to pray, it seemed as if a fresh breath of life blew into him. He began to pray with us, shouting "LORD" with the little strength he could muster.

Patrick left on his journey to heaven two days after I last saw him.

Medical problems , which is one of the major issues for people like Patrick, would be a field that I could step into.

Sure is lucky to have humans who think the way you do, good thing you are here.

Undergraduate / "The great communicator" - exemplification on a time I changed [9]

Ha ha, please be advised that in my previous post I had accidentally thought you were supposed to write about a time you were "misunderstood," rather than a time you "changed." Ha ha, misunderstood again! This time by me!

Yes, it is looking like a great essay...

Undergraduate / "The great communicator" - exemplification on a time I changed [9]

Arrogant, overbearing, aloof, domineering, abrasive, and demanding -- words that I had heard before were being used to describe me once more. I was hearing the results of an employee survey, and those words and others like them were being used to describe me again. I say again because my daughters had used similar words to describe me in a counseling session, only months prior to that meeting with human resources. It was clear to me that day two years ago that I had to change the way I delivered my message, expectations, and goals to others. I have admittedly been a results-oriented person whose only concern is the achievement of goals, but in delivering my message I was hurting my relationship with my daughters or alienating those who reported to me.

Yes, I would say you are off to a good start.

Were you misunderstood, or were you mistaken? maybe a little of both. I am the same way, and although I know my subtlety could stand to be improved, I also know that my drive to get things done is what keeps me playing the role of the money-earner... keeps me able to help the people who get upset with my tunnel vision approach to productivity. It's hard to accomplish all that needs to be done, generally. When people "misunderstand" a leader, it is because they have the luxury of not having to be held accountable. It seems that if you successfully present this as a way you were misunderstood, you will have to say it was because the people under your leadership did not know the facts. After all, were you mistaken, or not?

Does that even make sense? I mean, what I wrote above. I am trying to say that a misunderstood leader is misunderstood often because of the faulty perspectivees of the followers, in which case you might end up looking conceited or bitter by the time the essay is over.

What was the misunderstanding?

Good luck!!!!!

Dissertations / E-commerce Security Issues, e-business proposal [10]

Wow, good luck with this complex subject. For projects like this, which are beyond the scope of my own education, I always go straight to Google Scholar to see what else has been written. Just about everything that you could write has been written about before... so you might find other points to include by reading some articles on Google Scholar.

Research Papers / The Psychological, Physiological, and Neurological effects of Marijuana and Cocaine Use in Humans. [34]

Wow, great discussion here. This last post reminded me of my family. It costs lots of money to have my family, definitely ages me, and although I know I COULD live without them I am no less dependent on them than a severe addict is dependent on a drug. I would even have physical symptoms if I was removed from them.

Now that I am thinking of it this way, I guess your argument also applies to sugar. I was recently reading about terrible effects that sugar has on us with regard to keeping us addicted to it -- and for that reason I know many who cut it out altogether to escape its power.

I also learned something new about animal protein a few years ago... basically that animals metabolize plant protein for people, and that the reason we feel so satisfied eating meat is because much of the work has been done for us. We become so dependent on animal protein, because our systems are not conditioned to do the job anymore! When I found that out, I realized that in this way my little sister (who is an ethically motivated vegetarian) was more rugged than me. I immediately stopped eating meat.

Anyway, what comes to mind is that this argument, as it seems to me now, is not so much about drug use as it is about compulsion and habitual patterns. You run into controversy when you talk about this drug or that drug, because... well... by the definition of drug, many of life's stimuli qualify as drugs. It becomes a controversial argument.

The people who have addictive tendencies that are more prominent than average... the problem is within them, and it seems that Mustafa is talking more about that phenomenon than about any particular drugs. Does this make it a psychology paper instead of a paper about substance abuse? Anyway, this is very insightful stuff.

Getting back to the point of your essay... do you still want to focus on these three categories of effects of cocaine and marijuana? If so, it will be like a compare contrast essay, and you will have to give attention to all three categories for both drugs. That is a lot for 3 pages!

Essays / need help in psychology essay on attribution [5]

You must have some class materials that provide the answer. For understanding, you can look for "covariation model" in wiki or read: nortonbooks.typepad.com/everydaysociology/2008/04/att ribution-the.html

Sorry I can't help more!!

Research Papers / Gradute Studies Final Research Project Question [16]

I think you should use "qualitative survey interviews" which are basically just papers with open ended questions to be answered by participants. You can distribute them to...

No, forget I said that. This seems like it would be great with, say, two case studies (i.e. one about a legit business and another about an underground/criminal one)... and that would be the quantitative part... but you could have a qualitative part, too, where you use Likert scales to ask people to rate their experiences with their leaders. That way, you can compare ratings of the 2 types of leaders based on a common set of criteria. That would make you one of the people who uses "mixed method" (i.e. both quant and qual) but the quant. part is easy, because you will just report, for example:

Only 24 out of 80 people surveyed about their experiences under the leadership of Herb Kelleher reported that they felt "very" intimidated when in his presence.

Look on Google Scholar for studies using Likert scales and see if it is something you would like to use...

Undergraduate / The "Redneck" Culture - being a southern boy myself. [4]

The word "redneck" can mean...

(Above) Use quotation marks when referring to a word.

... many things, such as a hick from the country or a quick tendency to resort to violence -- or it could simply mean your childhood was influenced by a farming community away from any major city.

Does this (above) seem better?

Right here, you sort of become guilty of perpetuating the stereotype by making these generalizations about them: Rednecks are generally stereotyped due to their accents, slang language, and lack of formal communication skills, although, left on their own they seem to perform quite well in everyday life without proper table manners or suits and ties. However, since you are talking about a subculture in general, I think you can get away with making generalizations. Maybe write: ... due to the impressions made by their accents, slang, and communication styles, but, left on their own, they...

...resort to getting red (in other words they have a short fuse).

No need to confuse the issue by saying something unclear about race:

...and its been that way since the white and black man first planted cotton and tobacco in the fields earliest days of the American South.

Interesting essay!!

Undergraduate / A person who has an influence (LOVE YOU so much) [9]

I see that you use the past tense for much of the essay, but you use the present tense here:

My Mummy is the sole breadwinner...

Should that say "was" or maybe "has been" instead?

She made us enjoy every...

Wow, here is an idea: I like the first sentence of the last paragraph a lot more than the sentence you use to start the essay. What if you start the essay like this:

I am a product of my Mummy's teachings and support. She is a source of inspiration to me. My confidence in writing this admissions essay is due to the fact that my Mummy encouraged ... To me, she's the dearest mother on Earth.

Then make the first para into the last para:

I believe that my Mummy's influence started when I was in her womb. Respect, moral values, and ...how to be responsible, and most importantly how to be respectful to others. "Hey Mummy, just wanted to let you know that I LOVE YOU so much!"

Wherever your Mum is right now, this essay must make her so happy and bring her such joy. Thanks for making my day a little better.

Undergraduate / undergraduate transfer essay (Fresh out of high school) [4]

Initially, I had no intention of taking his words to heart but inevitably they struck chord in my conscience and soon changing my attitude to ultimately change myself was all I could think about.

It was the advice of one of my most respected and appreciated professors that changed my outlook on school and life.

I initially had no intention of taking his words to heart but inevitably they struck a chord...

I recognize the hard work and dedications required in reaching this goal, and have no intention of backing down from the challenge.

Aside from what Sean said, here are a few fixes.

:)

Writing Feedback / FIRST NARRATIVE ESSAY (The Miserable Girl) [8]

shining

All she desired was to find somewhere to live in , somewhere to warm her sad and hurt heart.

Her health was growing worse and worse as her small dream -- to own a nest where she could hide her broken heart -- from an angry and uncharitable nature had not yet been realized. (how about that?)

Surprised , she raised her face and saw...

I hope that helps!!

Undergraduate / Summer Program Why biomedical research? [5]

Aside from what Sean said, this sentence could use some tightening up;

This was my first exposure to the depth of scientific information available and was the start of my fascination with the human body; which I read about anatomy over and over, and to my captivated eyes it was the most perfect machine ever built.

Need another comma:

My parents, unable to answer my every inquiry, would...

Once in secondary school, now possessing more maturity and academic experience, I found that what was in the beginning started as mere curiosity evolved into the force that would drive me on to continue an education in biomedical research. the quest for those imperfections above all those invisible to us,. From the beginning of...

I hope that helps!!

Book Reports / Thesis for Hunters in the Snow [6]

Try to come up with something original to say about the book, and use quotes from the story to back up what you say.

:)

Undergraduate / Stanford Residential Essays: future education, college exposure, SMYSP [3]

Seeing him in a new light - the vulnerable side - made me want to pursue a career in medicine.

I, myself, have experienced how to live a life without medical insurance .

My ultimate goal for my education is to reach college, and study medicine.

I am very familiar with their curriculums and tuition fees, for I've attended many college orientation events sponsored by these top-notch colleges.

However, I have only a little background information regarding the universities in here. I researched the top medical schools to find which my mom can afford to send me.

I hold a great trust in the faculty of UC San Francisco...

In order to fulfill my duties as a citizen, I would just come back here every year during the summer vacation.

Even if they are far beyond reach, I would continue to shoot for them, for nothing can hold me back except my fear in God, and them.

The above sentence is unclear and needs a revision.

This is great, especially the ending. You did a fine job answering the questions, and it was quite interesting all the way through.
Good luck in school!

:)

Book Reports / "never seen no piece of jail-bait worse than her" - Of Mice and Men Character Sketch Essay [6]

Try experimenting with putting some of these paragraphs in a different order. For example, that last paragraph could be placed anywhere within the essay. Maybe replace it or add to it for a more reflective conclusion.

That might help you to perfect it. It seems excellent right now, though. However, the "full, rouged lips part seems like a direct quote from some online source... make sure you don't let this seem to similar to anything else that has been written about it.

I found no errors, and your citations look good! I think this will do well!

Writing Feedback / "Green Jeans" / "The love of my life" / "Fathers" - rhetorical essays (finals) [9]

Check for verb tense agreement. For example:

Out on my own, and making my own money, I soon realized that I had become a fanatic on buying expensive jeans.

Check spelling: supper sexy

Instead of 69 dollars, write: sixty-nine dollars

The first essay seems to have a moral to the story, but you should introduce that lesson that comes from it when you write the first paragraph. Introduce the theme. Otherwise, for most of the essay your reader is wondering why it is mostly about your legs, etc.

Then, reflect on that theme at the end. Remember, you need to clearly know your purpose.

My parents divorced soon after I turned four years old.

Wow, I really like this second essay, but I think it needs a theme, like the first one. It is just a story right now, but it is a meaningful story. Let the story support an essay that is about a certain principle, a certain value or understanding that is behind it. Give a sentence or two in the intro to tell the reader about this meaningful truth conveyed by the story you are about to tell. Then, refer back to it at the end.

However, little did I know, a year later our final bar stop for the evening would be our last; as Bar 19 was the place where I would not only have the experience of my life, but the night that has proven wrong the advice of my gal friends.

Undergraduate / "successful artist" - The University of Texas at Austin [11]

"Since childhood" gets you off to a hesitant and weak start... it's comma interrupts the flow right away. How about putting it at the end of the sentence so that no comma will be necessary?

After that sentence, you have material that belongs in its own paragraph. Make the rest of paragraph one (after that first sentence) into paragraph two:

I have always dreamed of being a talented and successful artist since childhood. In the years that passed from then until now, I endured adversity, enjoyed diversity, and discovered many important truths about myself and my place in this world. One important realization involves the empowerment that is available to University of Texas students. In this essay, I will explain some of the learning experiences that made me confident in my decision to apply for acceptance to your fine institution. (or something like that)

Then, paragraph two:

I have seen firsthand how the University of Texas helps people reach their goals. My older brother, David Shih, majored in...

Maybe you do not need to give the details about your brother. Instead, describe the school's great resources that he told you about.

This essay is looking great! Just give a good intro instead of going right into talking about your brother's process.

Writing Feedback / motherhood (Motherhood is Amazing) [3]

I believe Being a mother is a most extraordinary gift, yet it brings challenges that ca be difficult to overcome.

Maybe like that?

Other feedback that comes to mind is that it does not say anything tat is very original or interesting -- a lot of stating the obvious. Can you add a new dimension to this that makes it surprisigly original? How about you most profound insight about motherhood? Say something that has never been said.

You also have some incomplete sentences. How about:

We take on enormous amounts of responsibility for a child once becoming a mother: Always making sure the child is fed to his means, not yours; ensuring warm clothes and a clean body is important; do ctor's appointments seem to reoccur every few weeks to every few months and we have to make sure shots are up to date and that our child is healthy.

In order to fulfill your requirement to get feedback, you can refer your teacher to essay forum to see your extra effort in collaboration here. (maybe your teacher will becoe a parttime member and help us to help students!) Thanks for letting us help!

Graduate / Personal Statement for Robotics Graduate Programme [4]

Try combining para #3 with that short para #4 and take out the unnecessary sentence:

My thirst for knowledge and curiosity for exploring new horizons have compelled me to prepare myself for conducting research in this area. Eventually a career in research and development was the perfect choice for me to develop an understanding of professional development techniques and broaden my technical expertise. My work as a design engineer for the past year has helped me develop a deep understanding of embedded systems and programming.

This is an impressive essay!

Research Papers / Gradute Studies Final Research Project Question [16]

Your approach might be to complicated, with the business plan and all.

I LOVE the idea, though! The idea, itself, is complex. I think there is little difference between the survival of the fittest in legal vs. illegal business.

When I say that it is too complex, what I mean is that you might not need the business plan. How about showing similarities by interviewing people who are experienced with leaders in both settings, and then do a narrative analysis (qualitative) to show similarities and differences. This will be theory-generating, qualitative research.

Want to see a relevant and fascinating study? This is qualitative, and it is ethnographic: amazon.com/Search-Respect-Structural-Analysis-Sciences/dp/05 21017114

You do not want quantitative unless you want to compare numerical outcomes of business exploits.

Check out that link above, and see if you get some inspiration.

Grammar, Usage / APA formatting - Review Essay [17]

Good call, I didn't realize I may have made that look like I was saying the date needs to be included in those styles. That last post from me was referring to the need for a page number when using a direct quote.

And it is annoying also that in MLA there is no comma separating the items in parentheses and in APA there is!

Undergraduate / admission essay (clear goals in medicine) [4]

In the last sentence of the first paragraph, you might want to refer back to that moment that you started with... bring the reader back to that moment of you watching the procedure. You might want to tack one more sentence on to the end of that first para in order to do that. You need to bring paragraphs full circle, and keep the reader rooted in your main idea.

Sean, did you notice the great work done here by angel2u2000!? I am impressed with her help! Thanks angel!

Hey, glaring DOES imply anger! I didn't even think of that. Perhaps your eyes were "straining" to see details, or perhaps they were "locked onto what I was seeing"

How about moving this up to make it the second paragraph:
I believe that for a person to get far in this world, he would have to set his goals. My goals are crystal clear, and I feel that...

Undergraduate / Returning to college at the age over 40 - how would this education change your life? [9]

n spite of these factors, my dream did not die; it lied dormant in the midst of the hope that someday, somehow, the opportunity to continue my interrupted education will arise.

In my cases , I would like to have a white-collar career rather than a blue-collar job.

Currently, I'm employed as an administrative assistant at a small nonprofit environmental education center, part of my job responsibility is to update our website, updating and maintaining marketing materials and the databases.

I am not a superhero or social activist, I have an idea of what I want out of life.

Fortunately, this is the time in my life when I get to take the lead; I get to decide what I want out of it.

You did a great job of fixing this up! Good luck in school.

:)

Undergraduate / Activity since secondary school [5]

Perhaps add an adjective to tell about the refugees in that first sentence. Refugees from where? Give an adjective to add interest to that sentence.

You accidentally capitalized High in "high school"

You never thought you possessed empathy? That sounds a little weird... perhaps you should reword that part... maybe you never thought you understood people. In fact, you might want to remove that sentence and replace it with a sentence that will serve as the thesis. It will tell about the main idea of the whole essay. Could you think of a sigle word that captures the kind of learning that took place for you during this time period? For me, a word to describe my learning for the past few years would be... patience.

Maybe you can think of a few words... so use them to inspire your thesis sentence.

Having grown up near the Ethiopian border, I managed to become fluent in four languages, of which two are Ethiopian languages.

Graduate / Artificial Neural Network ; SOP for PhD Chemical Engineering [3]

Almost all manufacturing processes are incomplete without a heat transfer operation.

Therefore there is large scope available in this area.

Over the course of time , I found that I could make progress in my academic career only if I could keep myself updated with advancement in chemical engineering.

And This can be achieved only through research.

Maybe change the order of the sentences, so they go in this order:
Artificial Neural Network is one of the upcoming areas which can be applicable for almost all the fields. So I think integrating heat transfer with the area like Artificial Neural Network may give us beneficial future.In the modern world computers play a crucial role in our lives by helping us to progress at a higher speed.

I think you should read about "topic sentences" on the internet and give one good, solid topic sentence to each of these paragraphs. A topic sentence should tell the reader what the paragraph is about. The topic sentence is the WHOLE paragraph expressed in a single sentence. Come up with a topic sentence for each paragraph.

Can you say something intriguing at the very beginning to capture attention?

How about mentioning the specific school to which you are applying?

I look forward positively for my to making a positive contribution to research in this field and hope to bring some outcome that will help the society to progress.

Undergraduate / My father was an ordinary business man; Ryerson (reasons, details) [4]

He explained to me how the business ran such as merchandising and interpersonal relationships .

The end result of the high school was that I was able to graduate with satisfying grades yet wanted to learn more about business in real life; in real situations .

That's when I decided that I wanted to take a year off to learn and experience the business in the actual market.

After a few months of working, I've come to conclusion that I was now ready for university; Ryerson in particular.

I believe that attending Ryerson would be a great step towards accomplishing my goal of becoming a business man. Ryerson is located at the heart of downtown; therefore able to oversee the marketing surroundings along with the new business building, 'Ted Rogers School of Management'.

One of the reasons why I selected Ryerson is because even in this unstable economic crisis, 94 percent of grads from Ted Rogers School of Management were employed within six months.

Finally, I believe Ryerson is the school in which to pursue my undergraduate studies because it has distinctive undergraduate programs that educate students' practical for real world ...this needs fixing, as it is unclear.

Here are a few mistakes here and there, but it's pretty good essay!

Good luck in school.

:)

Undergraduate / UT Transfer SOP Essay (theatre technician) [3]

Running the shows required a great deal of focus, as it was ideal to keep as few microphones on at a time in order to boost signal strength to those that needed it.

but also the real world skills needed in order to succeed wherever I am in the world .
The above sentence is actually fine, but I think it would sound better if you rework it and omit one of these.

Your essay is very well set up, interesting and well written. You have a cool writing style with great descriptions. Good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / 'Want to become a business woman' - transfer essay (what I can learn from life) [4]

Experiences areis the foundation which allows me to grow, live, and survive in an all too changing, chaotic, fallible world.

At times these experiences can fill the human body with feelings of achievement, satisfaction, and even suffering.

That's the big reason why I chose Stony Brook.

I know that at Stony Brook there are students from all 50 states and 110 foreign countries.

That allows me earlier know how to work with diffident country people, indeed know diffident country's' culture, that's good for my future life.

The sentence above needs revision for clarity.

Furthermore, Stony Brook has many experienced professors and a professional academic environment. These will allows me receive more knowledge.

This doesn't need to be said, and sounds sort of juvenile. Maybe you could mention what you plan to study, and what this school has to offer towards that goal besides diversity.

The color of Stony Brook is red; I do believe if I can study at Stony Brook will made me become a person who is full of passion, zeal and enthusiasm.

If you'd like to revise and repost, we'll be here to help you.

:)

Undergraduate / Why U of Illinois (puzzle) [7]

After researching among various universities thoroughly, I am confident that I would fit perfectly as a puzzle piece that complements the masterpiece of UIUC. The preeminence in research at UIUC offers an excellent academic environment and an interesting campus life that I would appreciate participating in.

From an early age, I have aspired to succeed in my future as an engineer.

I enjoy conducting experiments and researches , as I believe that knowledge will only be handy when put into practice.

With over 1,900 research projects progressing at the College of Engineering, UIUC is one of the best known research institutions in the United States. Its wide variety of research activities would allow me to further explore engineering in-depth and gain valuable experience.

As an international student from Malaysia, I appreciate the diversified culture at UIUC that would allow me to meet with others from different walks of life, to explore new perspectives and ideas from them , and to inspire them with my own culture.

To make the most out of our interesting lives, we will mingle around , participate in the events of Inclusive Illinois, and ultimately, we will grow together culturally and intellectually to become outstanding individuals.

Your essay is good, I cut out eight or nine words, I believe. Your supporting details are specific and to the point. Acronyms are fine!

:)

Undergraduate / U of Minnesota - My Dream, My Will [4]

Hence, I wanted to become an engineer.

The theories about dynamics, differential equations, and others which I learned from these subjects, would definitely turn out useful when I needed to apply them in the real working field.

I also took humanities subjects like Introduction to Moral Education and Ethics. These subjects helped build my characteristics .

I set my goal to become a mechanical engineer, as I feel the need to contribute. I believe that knowledge shines the most when it is used for the sake of other people .

The University of Minnesota will help me to achieve my goals.

With my passion driving me, I anticipate becoming a leader, a thinker, and an outstanding individual.

This is a great essay, good luck in school.

:)

Essays / An argumentative essay on Louis Riel: hero or villain? [11]

Sorry, there is no edit button after 20 minutes from the posting time! Please check out the TOS to learn about your options.

:)

Undergraduate / Common App Essay - about me (special cakes) [3]

And In the 16 years I've lived in Beijing I have seen changes of a magnitude that one would expect over 50 years.

Wow, this is one of the best essays I've read. Good luck in school, though I'm sure you won't need it!

:)

Undergraduate / Critical moment essay; Memory....is the diary that we all carry about with us [6]

Through memories, good or bad, one may build on them to grow and bloom into a unique individual.

The aftermath of September 11, 2001 not only saw the end to thousands of innocent lives but also saw an awakening and change for millions.

These tragic events had a profound and diverse effect of shaping one into a unique individual.

Parent's unconditional love for their kids could not shield them from the cruel, harsh circumstances of what occurred on September 11, 2001.

As a 5th grader, I smiled as I left school ignorant as to what I would later witness on television.

When Arriving home, my eyes were struck with fear as I witnessed the collapsing of the World Trade Centers.

Though I regret and sympathize for the loss of many lives, I am no longer ignorant of my surroundings and as a result bloomed into a unique individual.

I think the word "bloomed" would be better as "blossomed". What do you think?

This is a cool essay with a unique perspective.

:)

Undergraduate / Short essay for Summer Program (infallible set of skills) [8]

Curiosity is an emotion that I have been familiar with since early childhood, and eventually developed into the drive to learn new things, something my parents have always encouraged.

I am looking forward to repeating that experience on a whole new level, by participating in the Summer Undergraduate Research Focus and interacting with people from various parts of the globe, learning from their cultures and sharing mine.

This program will expose me to the world of genetics research, prepare me for the world of graduate education and take me many steps closer to reaching my goal of continuing on to receive a Ph.D. in Human Genetics.

This is much better now.

Good luck in school!

:)