Writing Feedback / Several different ways in which colleges fail to prepare students for life. [7]

Well, one trait that is common to all good writing is that it creates some feeling of tension... like from the conflict in a novel. In your essay, you can create tension by saying something in the introduction that is definitely refutable. For example, you can claim that college actually teaches only a very small percentage of one's total necessary life knowledge. You can write an interesting essay if you make a good argument about a point that some people might disagree with.

Try to get inspired! And then remember: Every paragraph is a single thought explained very well. Your essay will actually consist only of a few major thoughts. You explain them and reflect on them.

Writing Feedback / A Letter from Birmingham Jail (loaded words effectiveness) [5]

You can say: ...relate to his audience in his "Letter from Birmingham Jail"...

Hey, this is not so bad! you said you are not good at writing papers, but you seem to know how to introduce the topic and support it with examples... then you will reflect on it at the end, but I see that this is not finished yet. (If it is finished, it ends abruptly!). For your sentences, though, you can make them less awkward:

Martin Luther King Jr. was able to connect emotionally as well as to relate to his audience in a "Letter from Birmingham Jail" through the use of loaded words.

Among the many forms of emotional and logical persuasion used throughout the letter, "loaded words" are interesting topics for study.

Book Reports / Simple one page summary on The Westing Game [4]

Great advice from Henry!

This essay is only a paragraph, and it needs to be much longer. Your grammar is generally correct, but the presentation is lifeless. Give a sentence about this book that is rhythmic like the start of a long drum solo. Or, better yet, say something that other people might not agree with -- something controversial involving a theme of the book.

Use this formula for each paragraph:

Topic sentence must be captivating, inspiring curiosity. Body sentences must explain the interesting topic sentence. The conclusion sentence must reflect on the that truth, the thought you expressed in the topic sentence.

This way, every paragraph is like one thought beautifully explained. You can write a brilliant, rhythmic essay about this book.

Undergraduate / "I am among those who think that science has great beauty"; PERSONAL STATEMENT (Pharmacy ) [11]

This is just an idea, not necessary if you don't like it:

I will continue to study pharmacy, and graduation won't be the end of my education; it will be the beginning of my road to being a success as a pharmacist -- which is what my grandfather wanted.

Good job on this! I think it's great.

Book Reports / Amusing its readers - Grammar Check for Macbeth Essay [7]

The author's primary purpose in writing "The Macbeth Murder Mystery" was to amuse his readers. By using satire and conceit, the author is jokingly relating the classic tragedy of Macbeth to modern-day mysteries. Give a little intro to warn the reader before breaking into a quotation! "At first I suspected Banquo. And then, of course, he was the second person killed. The person you suspect of the first murder should always be the second victim" -- here is an example of how the American woman is using common mysteries as a template of how the events in Macbeth should play out. Again, tell the reader that so-and-so shows certain traits by explaining, "They fled after the first murder. That looks suspicious. Too suspicious. When they flee, they're never guilty. You can count on that." This shows how cocky and overconfident the woman is. She assumes that no matter what the scenario is, certain events in literature are simply mandatory; they are practically unquestioned principles to her. ...

You just have to introduce quotes with some sort of introductory phrase. In academic writing, if you break right into a quote without introducing it, it is called a "dropped quotation." That is a bad habit, so it is better to lead the reader along with an intro phrase for each quote.

Graduate / Personal Essay - MFA Film school [9]

The rule is like this: Say it, explain it, and then say it again. The whole essay should be powerful, as if it is a beautiful explanation of a single profound thought. Can you inspire the reader with an insight into film that makes it, perhaps, the most meaningful pursuit possible!? After all, it is the most technologically sophisticated form of modern art -- and it really does include all the arts, from writing to music to storytelling and more. Can you take this as an opportunity to express an important idea of yours, without interruption? Tell the main idea in the first paragraph, lead the reader through a summary of your experience in a few paragraphs, and restate the main idea in the closing paragraph. The body of the essay, with your info and accomplishments, must be presented in a way that supports your main idea -- which may be a philosophical point about film.

I hope that helps you get started!!

Undergraduate / Marines mean Business - it provides wealth of unique experiences and leadership opportunities [19]

Right now it seems incomplete and rushed. here are some ideas:

Throughout scorching summers in Afghanistan and frozen winters in South Korea, I'd lie awake at night, reflecting on the past and envisioning life after The Corps. Right here, add a sentence about how your experience was creating in you a desire to make a difference as an international businessperson. Say something eaningful and memorable. Values the Marines instilled in me such as leadership, sacrifice, perseverance, integrity, commitment, and loyalty had me feeling like I could accomplish anything. Write a sentence about how you would like to apply these values as a businessperson. The invaluable experiences of working with people from different cultures to achieve common goals would spur my interest in international business.

Undergraduate / "My name is Sonia Weitz, & I'm a Holocaust survivor"; Person - significant influence [7]

This is very nice! I suggest combining the last two paragraphs, but more importantly, I suggest adding a sentence to the end of the first paragraph. This last sentence you add will be like a thesis statement -- and it will be the most important sentence in the essay. Meditate on it for a while and write a sentence at the end of the first paragraph that perfectly captures the way that she influenced you.. what changed in you and why. Sum up the essay in this important sentence at the end of the first paragraph.

Graduate / Business Aspirations -- Katz Admission essay, Pitt [6]

It was after three days of cold showers , when my landlord finally came the last time to replace my hot water heater, and after 3 days of cold showers, that I knew I was ready to own my own home.

Great beginning!!

I confidently signed all of my closing papers, confident that I was going to be better off for this decision, and I was right.

I have a longing to expand the knowledge and training provided by my undergraduate education and previous work experience.

You write in a very entertaining and lively way. I think you'll do great is business. However, it is tough to make the connection between the purchase of a home and the application to business school. You should combine the first 2 paragraphs so that you do not make such a big deal out of the anecdote about recently becoming a homeowner. Also:

...to be better off for this decision, and I was right. Although not every experience in my house has been a success, I have learned a great deal along the way, and now have a great sense of pride as a home owner. After voting at my new polling location and attending a town meeting I felt like I was a part of the community. I again seek to become a member of a community, but this time as a member of Katz Graduate School of Business community.

Now, continue the explanation:

Like the experience of purchasing a home, my application to your fine institution...

In the closing paragraph, refer to the example about recently becoming a homeowner again. Because it is not entirely relevant to the application, you have to either omit it or make it into a meaningful example. I think you are close to success in showing a connection between that purchase and your business aspirations.

Undergraduate / FSU ESSAY ("what I would attempt") [5]

Towards the end of my eighth -grade year...

I also suggest you deal with these three concepts a little more. The point of the essay is to show your understanding of the virtues... Can you take Sean's advice and apply it to each of the three? It's good that you have plenty of room left. Try writing a paragraph for each virtue, telling how you have demonstrated each.

Essays / Ryerson undergraduate admission essay writing. (reasons, details) [14]

I was spellbound by the business world ever since I was a teenager. On my way to school every morning, I noticed numerous staff members working in RMG industries rushing to their place. Subsequently My grandpa explained that those industries are owned by businessmen and that many people will not find a job if businessmen would not take initiative in setting up such enormous organizations. Hearing this, I was ...

In addition to studies, I am engaged in a couple of activities to broaden my horizon and gaining a competitive edge in my business career. Firstly I registered in Acid Survivors Foundation to participate in voluntary activities.

Undergraduate / My Father as a source of inspiration and enlightenment to me [13]

You can cut out this:

Now, right after this you start talking about soccer without starting a new paragraph. I suggest you either cut the part about soccer or move it further down in the essay. It would be great to see it like this:

I am a product of my father's teachings and support. He is a source of inspiration and enlightenment to me. Since the softness of my skin, my father has taught to never give up and to hold on to what I believe in, and to thank God no matter what state I might be in. The reason I am sitting here writing this essay is that...

I also think that you can explain the thing about the laptop and the funera in one concise sentence to make the essay more trim and powerful.

Graduate / Need help of self making recommendation letter (Rashuna University) [7]

I first met Mr. Gray when he asked me to become his adviser in developing a small simulation system in the GSM laboratory, a project which he has now completed with exceptional skill. I teach only master program subjects, so most of my students are graduates, and Mr. Gray is one of the few undergraduate student who decided to do a research under me.

Unlike many other students who are not too sure about their aspirations , Mr. Gray has made a step forward in his decision by deciding to pursue an advanced degree (despite his young age) especially in the same field as his undergraduate background. To this end, he has decided to pursue a higher degree in order to acquire a deeper understanding in his subject . I who have personally experienced a doctorate education in Germany before , and I believe that Mr. Gray would be successful whil e taking his education in this country, which has a good environment for research.

Undergraduate / "The biggest fear is fear itself." - application essay [12]

Oh, that was a bad joke for me to make! I thought I was so funny when I made that correction...don't mind my foul humor.

:)

Undergraduate / "The poor environment in China" - USC short answer [5]

If you find that word count is not an issue and if you really like that first sentence, it might be a god idea to switch the order of the first two sentences... so that it starts with a brief sentence before overwhelming the reader with the long one.

I think you do answer the prompt directly; this is obviously an activity that has been meaningful to you.

Undergraduate / Conditional Admissions Essay for Pharmacy at Pitt !! [3]

The first paragraph leaves me thinking, "Like what?" Can you end the first paragraph with a profound statement about pharmacy? (Something more meaningful that just job security in a struggling economy.)

It's best to set aside some time for this sort of thing, because it makes a big difference! I think you could divide up these paragraphs and present the most important parts in a way that makes you seem very driven in this field. For example, present it as if you got your job at CVS in order to pursue your passionate aspiration Write a whole paragraph about how steadfast you are in your conviction.

Get them to feel excited about having such a dedicated student.

Research Papers / GLOBAL WARMING and natural disasters essay [10]

Global warming leads to extreme weather conditions such as...

Some transition sentences and a clear thesis will help a lot! Prepare the reader for the main point you are going to make by summing up the whole essay in a single sentence at the end of the first paragraph--make your point and then write the rest of the essay to support it. By having a clear, memorable, not-boring main point, it will be easy to slightly change the first sentence of each paragraph to support your original idea. I hope that helps. The thing that makes an essay come to life is a clear, interesting, original point that tells the reader something specific. By making your point at the end of the first paragraph, you'll make it easy to use each paragraph as evidence to support your main point.

Undergraduate / Diversified Health Occupations class essay, need help. [4]

Good advice from Sean.

I signed up for this class because my major is health. (what is?) what I've always wanted to do. I wonder what, specifically, you plan to do in the field of health and wellness.

Hey, go over this a few times like adding coats of paint! It is already looking good. Try to have fun with it, and make it rhythmic. Make it profound by surprising the reader with your most original insight into health as taught in school. What I mean by adding coats of paint is... when you start with an outline like this, it is great to read through it over and over and see what you can add, take away, connect together, etc. Use this as a tool for self-expression!

Undergraduate / "My name is Sonia Weitz, & I'm a Holocaust survivor"; Person - significant influence [7]

I understand what you mean!! Sometimes it just does not feel right. Do you play an instrument? Sometimes it takes a while of playing before you get your groove on. Accordingly, write a draft and then go back to the beginning and shave off the warmup. You'll know when the warmup ended, because there is a sentence that feels right:

November 21, 2008, I remember the day precisely. We unloaded the school bus and walked into the Peabody Library. It was a cold day and I could see my own breath. Once inside, we were seated in a small room in which we waited. After almost 15 minutes, she walked in. Frailty aside, she appeared before us with a smile on her face and a bounce in her step.

Right there is where you start writing with rhythm. Same thing at the end:

There have been many people in my life including family, friends, coaches, and teachers that have helped shape the person I am today. Even though I had only been with her a couple hours, Sonia has been a significant influence on my personality.

Shave of the first sentence and connect it this with the previous paragraph. See, this trick works almost every time you think you use it, because deep down you know you had not got your groove on yet! This last sentence I scratched out... doesn't really say anything meaningful (everyone is influenced by many people) because you were just warming up!

Stephen King says: second draft = first draft minus 10%

You are a great writer!!

Writing Feedback / Oedipus the Tragic Hero [5]

Before you start telling about the story, give a succinct answer to the question. Why is it important that the tragic hero of drama be this kind of person? I believe the answer has something to do with enabling the audience to IDENTIFY with the protagonist, that tragic hero. The purpose of the assignment is to see if you can understand the statement by Aristotle, I think, and the reason Shakespeare abides by it... and perhaps the reason other writers should abide by it.

The point is not to explain the plot of the story. Do you understand the quote and know the answer to the question? Google the quote by Aristotle in order to find discussions of it. Try putting parts of the quote inside " " marks.

Good luck!!! :)

Writing Feedback / Several different ways in which colleges fail to prepare students for life. [7]

Students are not taught to make sure that the water is tepid, so as not to scald or not to chill an infant.

They are likewise not told how to test the bath water by placing their own elbow into the water to do so . After baby has its bath, a student is not taught how to apply baby powder to the their hand and then apply to baby, so the child doesn't asphyxiate on powder.

Another skill not taught to students is how to change a diaper and how to stifle their gag reflex when it is discovered that baby deposited a nice strange, yellow bowel movement (add "slimy" if Mom is breast feeding).

In addition, if the baby isn't changed often enough Mom or Dad will discover baby's blotchy looking bottom.

Try to make everything you write support the topic sentences. Right now, you give good examples of parenting skills that cannot be taught in school, but be careful not to get sidetracked.

**Like Sean, I wonder why they would want you to write 3 topic sentences for one paragraph... ????

Undergraduate / "What qualities do you feel you would bring to our institution?" [6]

Yes, and here is a new application of the principle "show, don't tell." In writing, it is said that you should give examples to show this or that rather than just telling the reader this and that...but with an essay like this there is another application of that principle: use this opportunity to win the reader over by showing, through the quality of your writing and the appeal of your personality, something that is even more impressive than the topics about which you actually write. Show them what kind of person you are with the way you answer the question.

Undergraduate / University of Texas Transfer Essay A ("cultural understanding") [6]

How about a comma or a dash here:

Working as an intelligence analyst in the most diverse province of Iraq -- I was almost forced to.

You might be able to combine the paragraph on Germany with the one that follows it and present them as milestones in your progress toward realizing your true calling, and the reason for your application to this university. That could tie it all together nicely.

Undergraduate / 'I wanted to become a Veterinarian' - Inspiration at the Kennel [38]

I like it! I think all the work you put into this will pay off, for sure -- not just to get accepted, but also as the sort of accomplishment that you carry with you. Keep doing multiple drafts of the important things in your life!

Undergraduate / An important issue essay (UT), from Korean point of view [7]

But people are learning that teamwork is an even more powerful way of solving problems and getting results.
Generally, it isn't correct to begin a sentence with a conjunction. (and, but, or)

Team members know what Ken Blanchard meant when he said, "None of us is as smart as all of us."

Teamwork can make a seemingly impossible situation possible.

Teamwork is a simple, but very powerful tool for solving problems and getting results.

This is a great essay and the last sentence is awesome!

:)

Undergraduate / "The biggest fear is fear itself." - application essay [12]

...but I think the first time I heard it was on an episode of Star Trek:TNG...

:)

Graduate / 'I started to get antsy'; Statement of Purpose for MFA Design Program [5]

My undergraduate experience at _____ enabled me to realize my own voice within art and design and my ability to be a creator.
This might seem anal, just a pet peeve of mine, but I always correct this when I see it.:)

_____'s program would be a great environment in which to build upon my previous knowledge, take my creativity to the next level, and to hone my ideas and abilities both conceptually and aesthetically.

Good advice from Sean!

:)

Book Reports / Oedipus the King and Metamorphosis Comparative Essay [4]

Great advice here!! Do you understand how they are using the word "reflect" here? If you read the story, you will understand!!

After reading the plan and some explanatory summaries, sum up the significance of the inner conflict to the loss of senses... sum it up in your intro paragraph, and explain it as if you were explaining to a smart person who had not read the play.

Use the body paragraphs to give support (quotes from the play) for your explanation.

Use the conclusion para to restate the thesis and reflect on the implications the meaningfulness of this expression through story, this life lesson by Shakespeare.

Undergraduate / 'mixing chemicals together' - Personal Statement UCAS [5]

Hi! Well, start by telling the about the course of study you will pursue there, and get specific about what you hope to accomplish (even if you are not yet sure, write about specific goals). You need to appear driven to succeed, and you need to appear as an ideal student for their PARTICULAR school! So, omit the first paragraph and write something meaningful -- original... don't just say you desire to go there, but instead surprise them with great enthusiasm for their program (whatever prgm. you choose).

Condense all the stuff about sports to one good sentence that conveys how your unrelenting resolve was developed during trials and exertion as an athlete.

Make this an essay about how you are INCREDIBLY inspired and driven to succeed at this specific school, and focus on specific resources you would like to take advantage of. You can make it compelling and powerful! Good luck.

Writing Feedback / Great Expectations - Charles Dickens. Tension and suspense. [4]

This needs some good organization. Can you start by telling the reader, in the first paragraph, a few characteristics of Dickens' way of building tension? What is his way? This is what the essay should be about. You have a lot of good info here, so you need to present it now as evidence to support your claims about Dickens.

It's not enough just to tell about what happened in the story. Stay focused on your explanation of how tension builds, and be specific.

Magwich behaves erratically towards Pip, seizing him "by the chin"(put the page number in parentheses), and this builds tension for the reader because...

Try to take all this info and put it between a thesis statement (in the intro paragraph) and a reflective conclusion paragraph, so that it all shows Dickens' way of building tension. :)

Writing Feedback / Tragic Hero in "Antigone" by Sophoceles- essay feedback [7]

The first line is confusing, but you can fix it with a comma:

The world does not contain an ideal individual, for every man is flawed in some aspect.

The imperfection of man and the problems resulting from them are the very basis on which Greek tragedies are written.

Keep the tense consistent (in the present tense):

At the end, Creon attempts to mend ...

Creon fails to heed obvious warnings and fails to see...

Sorry I cannot give it a grade, but I can give these corrections! I think it's great; you stick to your main point throughout the essay. How about adding one more reflective sentence to that last paragraph?

Undergraduate / 'I wanted to become a Veterinarian' - Inspiration at the Kennel [38]

I hope it's not the last question ever!!

Throughout the year, other employees lacked seriousness, sometimes leaving kennels unclean or forgetting to feed the animals.

Both jobs involve caring for animals and optimizing the circumstances of their lives.
You can remove the whole paragraph that details how you got the job, waited for the phone call, and ends with, "What did I get myself into?" That paragraph is not necessary, so you can cut it and focus on the realization that this is your calling.

After having come to understand the challenging-but-fulfilling nature of working with animals during my job working in an animal kennel, I am ready for the challenging process of becoming educated as a veterinarian. Many experiences in my lifetime have shaped who I am as a person today. I plan to major in pre-veterinary medicine for my undergraduate degree and continue on to graduate school in pursuit of my dream.

Like that?

Undergraduate / Columbia Short answer (The Fu Foundation School) [3]

After reading My Life as a Quant by Emanual Derman, which describes Derman's years at Goldman Sachs, I confirmed my choice to study Financial Engineering. What was it about this bok that inspired you? I am a good mathematician interested in using mathematical tools to solve problems in finance.Furthermore Financial engineering is a new study that most Chinese universities do not offer. With rapid development in financial market, China is in great need of people who specialize in using quant methods to solve financial problems. As a Columbia graduate, I will definitely become a leader in Financial Engineering in China.

This is looking good; just tell some specific areas of interest you have, to show how serious you are.

:)

Undergraduate / An important issue essay (UT), from Korean point of view [7]

I would strengthen the opening, like this:

Many individuals have had a big impact on society like Bill Gates and Donald Trump. In modern society, people are learning that Teamwork is aan even more powerful way of solving problems and getting results, and leadership is the process that directs teamwork . Nowadays most organization assigns team projects to each group, instead of to individuals. While working in a team, the members divide the work and cooperate with each other. Good teamwork is fundamental in schools, sports, and all kinds of communities. Like the beautiful harmonies in an orchestra, teamwork ...

I like your continuous focus on teamwork, within organizations and even globally. You should add a sentence to the first paragraph to tell the reader that you will be writing about teamwork as a universal principles -- in an organization, in the Army, and among nations. Great topic!!

Undergraduate / "The biggest fear is fear itself." - application essay [12]

Oh, well good luck to you!! :)

Essays / "It's Only Natural" - effects of the global spread of the English language (argumentative essay) [15]

Throughout time, looking back toSince the earliest civilizations, humans have sought means to commemorate idolized beings.While Other cultures, such as the Egyptians and the Chinese chose to immortalize their deities' by mummifying, or embalming, their bodies.

Should Russians finally bury Lenin so they can deal with their past, or should they keep his body on display for all to admire?

Good opening paragraph :)

Undergraduate / The day when Kolkata faced a severe crisis still remains etched in my memory [3]

The day when Kolkata faced a severe crisis still remains etched in my memory. The bone of contention was the West Bengal government allowing an author asylum in spite of a 'fatwa' being issued in her name. The author had scripted something which was sacrilegious to a religion and the sentiments of that group were hurt, which sparked off an intense brawl. The people of that community had taken the law in their hands and set fire to certain establishments and vehicles.

Unfortunately the dispersal of our school coincided with that of the unrest in the city and I was caught in the epicenter of this strife. My car was surrounded by a number of youths and I appeared to be a hapless victim. I could see my end nearing as the hostile youth were on the verge of scorching my car with torches. Almost being cornered , in walked a messiah, rather an old man, quite strangely belonging to their religion, and spoke to them in a language which was semi-foreign to me. What I could make out vaguely was that, a young school lad is too innocent to be butchered by the selfish interest of a handful of conceited individuals. He came to me as a silver lining and the mob slowly filtered away much to my respite. The old man melted away in the crowd and left behind his footprints on my mind only to feel that divides are man made and it's our perspective that controls our thoughts and views on issues and societal classes.

The last paragraph needs some tightening up, as it sounds as if you might be on the side of the "hostile youth"...Thus I can proudly confess in the light of today that I have the subtlety to follow and perceive the mindset of the people and react according to the call of the hour.

good luck
:)

Undergraduate / Appropriate word limit? - Write a brief statement regarding your educational plans at UW Madison [19]

I believe "need" is the root of change. There is a need to reach out to those who live their lives in hunger, and to reduce the agonies suffered by our brothers and sisters who lead underprivileged lives .

I have entrusted UW-Madison to be the place where itthat could mold me to be a person of impact, as I want to see my studies as a food scientist be put into practice by removing nutrient deficiencies from the list of prominent problems that plague the human population.

Hope this is helpful.
:)

Undergraduate / Those blessed with the curiosity to learn &search are forever Young/ SOP- Tourism [3]

Over the years, I've seen the potential for learning in every situation I've found myself in .

I believe that a PG course will help me to achieve my ultimate goal, which is to develop myself to establish a career as a manager of a big concern or become an entrepreneur.

This sentence (above) needs a makeover, as it is confusing.

To fulfill this goal however, I must develop the knowledge required to pilot major problems in this industry and learn to solve complex issues through an integrated approach.

All these positive efforts have given me great exposure to the core areas of management in terms of all the four major departments - food and beverage, front office, food production and housekeeping .

During my 1st year(you should write "first") I underwent a one month training program at Taj Coramandal - Chennai, in banquets department.

Here are a few grammatical fixes for the first few paragraphs...it seems to only need a once over for small mistakes like these.

Overall, it looks great, is there a word limit?

:)

Undergraduate / 'I wanted to become a Veterinarian' - Inspiration at the Kennel [38]

Good questions! When you use "onto" it is for talking about going onto, like, on top of something, but when you talk about moving on, as in moving on to something, you cannot say, "I was moving onto better things." However, you could say, "I moved onto the platform," or something.

I like this one better: Many experiences in my lifetime have shaped me into the person that I am today.

And about the I's... I fixed the first part to eliminate some of them... and at the end, there, where you say "I" a few times in a row I don't think that it too much anymore! I think it is all looking good, but how about switching the order of the sentences so you can start with: After having come to understand the challenging-but-fulfilling nature of working with animals during my job working in an animal kennel, I am ready to...