Graduate / SOP review for Ph.D in Biomedical Engineering [2]

This is an excellent essay, and all I can say is that the school will be lucky to have you.
You have a great background and have listed specific aspects of the school which attract you. Now, I always look for a central truth in each essay, to see what main idea or message it conveys. Here, I would say it is your intelligence that stands out as the ost memorable aspect of the essay, and that is good. This essay strongly conveys your seriousness and aptitude, and I saw no errors.

You can possibly improve it by throwing in one unexpected idea -- in a phrase or sentence.

Good luck in school!!

:)

Undergraduate / Metallism: a real unorthodox commonapp essay [8]

Wow, I actually like the approach you take, asserting the spiritual experience that can come from music. What I think should change is the assumption that the reader has not had the spiritual experience:

I certainly was . It's because, despite having been told that He is all around me, I still had never noticed him. I know why. There is a medium, a state of mind that one needs to be in before interaction with Him is possible. And that medium, for me, is metal. That is to say, the musical genre known as "metal." I assure you of my sanity.

If you do it that way, it is humble instead of presumptuous. About finding God in metal, I say go for it! If these people are so closed-minded that they cannot appreciate this truth to which you refer, you don't want to go to their uptight school anyway.

That said, it is also true that people often associate metal with adolescent anger, which makes them prejudiced against you. Sean is right that this is a risky approach, but sometimes you have to take the risky approach to be true to yourself. The strongest way to make sure it is right is to write 2 more essays, with different themes, and see which one seems strongest to you. Do you have the discipline to write another essay or 2 to compare with this??!! :)

:)

Undergraduate / "Decorum Delegates! Decorum!" - UPenn pg. 217 from 300pg. autobiography [8]

The room slowly became completely silent . "The committee proceeds with the Nuclear Non Proliferation Treaty.

This is very interesting and easy to follow. You are a very good writer! The ending was strong and the whole essay was set up nicely.

Good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / Common application-A topic of importance: GREED [5]

All my life I was taught that greed was a grave sin -- one of the seven "deadly" sins. I see it around me and within me, as we become self-centered, wasteful, and unappreciative . What intrigued me was that after pondering on the idea of greed is that I realized it is important to society. Greed can lead to three good qualities for society:which is ambition, innovation, and cooperation.

This is great, because it has a clear thesis sentence, and you follow through and explain your reasons for this argument. The only way to iprov it would be to address some counter-arguments and refute them. Good job!!

Undergraduate / The greatest impact on my life had my father [11]

...and in turn I receive the most important advice of my life.

OOps, I was editing Shine lee's contribution instead of your original essay!

For your essay, you are doing great! You just wrote a great paragraph about how supportive, and it demonstrates how wise he is. Now you need a good concluding paragraph to wrap it up and drive home the point of the essay.

One day, he discovered that I was smoking when he smelled it on my clothes ; however, all he said was, "Mena, you know what you did; don't worry I won't tell your mother about it, but promise me this is going to be the last time," and I did.

Writing Feedback / A Separate Peace Essay during World War II in 1943 [6]

Is this the thesis statement? World War II definitely is a major factor in the characters' actions, interactions, and characteristics in the novel and is a major aspect of the novel.

If so, I think we need to replace "definitely" and write something a bit more specific about the portrayal of WWII in the story.

World War II is a major factor in the character's actions in the novel, because the distant war affects the characters' choices and decisions. We can see the effect of the war on the characters' actions when the boys have to do work to replace the workers that have gone off to the war. It is seen when Gene says "Brinker Hadley could compose his "Shortest War Poem Ever Written" if he wanted to, but all of us had to take stronger action than that" (92). This is referring to how Brinker believes that the war is boring but the students have to do work and chores because of the lack of workers due to the war.

New pararaph:

The war's affect on the characters ...

Oh, now I understand the thesis statement better. I think you can remove the word "definitely," and write:

World War II played a major role in the plot, because it significantly influenced the characters' actions, interactions, and characteristics.

That makes it sound more specific.

Undergraduate / Essay on art education [7]

The morning teacher, Miss Jennylynn, smiled at me.

You can actually just leave her name out; the more unnecessary stuff you include, the weaker the essay:

The morning teacher, Miss Jennylynn, smiled at me."Paul just moved here from Korea," she said, "He doesn't speak a word of English, and

Paul was not the only student interested in art - I quickly noticed that all my three-year-old students displayed an enormous passion for creating art.

More importantly, I noticed that while most of their vocabularies did not include more than 500 words, their ability to express themselves through art was immeasurable.

Empowered by my education at Oakland, I hope to explore the benefits of art education while developing my own artistic voice.

Can you tell some specific advantages of going to this school instead of another school? What qualities make this school perfect for you, and what specific things do you want to accomplish with the specific resources they provide? Right now, you assert that Oakland is right for you, but you do not tell why.

:)

Essays / Reality TV essay - ideas to begin writing [35]

What do you mean? I have read about how COPS and WILDEST POLICE VIDEOS glorify controversial practices such as racial profiling, etc., promoting public approval for inappropriate practices by over-dramatizing everything.

Ha ha, have you seen the show called Celebrity Rehab? That is crazy...

Anyway, you can indeed mention such controversies, as long as you back up your claims by citing articles and evidence...

Essays / "Confessions of a Student" [25]

It would be good to write about cause and effect. Your thesis statement could be an assertion that certain rules are intended to avoid folly, and that nonconformist tendencies among students can get them in trouble when they fail to embrace the rules created by those who learned "the hard way" during previous generations.

Writing Feedback / 'People use some drugs, always' - essay about drugs. [8]

This form of collaboration is good for that sort of thing!

Undergraduate / Villanova University Supp. "Thai boy Chart" [12]

Yes, I totally hear you! For that sentence, I would use semi-colons I think, because it does make your point. Also, it just plain makes more sense to use that last comma! I agree that it is a good rule, but here is my concern: SO many people are unaware of that rule that it might actually make you look foolish when you use the rule!! Some people would look at that comma and think it was a minor error on your part!!

Here is another situation when the reader's potential lack of knowledge can make you look wrong when you are actually right: the word "apposed." I think it is proper to use the word "appose," as apposed to "opposed" in sentences like this one here. Everybody seems to think that the common expression is, "[such and such] as opposed to [such and such],"

But the word "appose" means to compare side by side! So the right way is: "[such and such] as apposed to [such and such]."

Now, if you use "appose" and the reader does not know the word "appose," s/he will think you are a goof ball who cannot spell the word "oppose."

Wow, I have never actually put that gripe into words, ha ha. Does this conversation mean we are nerds?

Undergraduate / USC Essay- ("Newton's First Law of Motion") [6]

Being constantly pressured by my cousins, I grew up strictly following the imposed standards that modeled the "ideal" Chinese child: a top ranking student, a fluent Taiwanese and Chinese speaker, and an embodiment of Taiwanese culture and heritage.

My parents however, rarely impose standards on me, rather they gave me freedom to follow my own dreams, but still required me to embrace and understand my traditional Taiwanese roots.

Growing up with contradictory views, I often felt limited in cultural views, for I felt as though I had walked in a thousand footprints but none my own.

I desperately struggled to create an identity for myself that would allow me to mirror all the ideals and expectations my family had for me, but unfortunately I could not.

For the first time in ages, adrenaline rapidly rushed as my body shivered ; the cold sweat slowly fell as my heart rapidly beat .

Without looking back in "common sense" or direction, I kept running, past the homogeneous streets, through the same typical houses which normally entrapped me to a one cultured society.

Enervated, and drained, I finally allowed myself to stop- at a dimly lit park .

Your essay did cover the topic nicely. I like your ending, but maybe you could tell more about Mr Sanjojo.

good essay:)

Undergraduate / "Chase my love to secret of nature and philosophy" - Intellectual Goal [5]

I think it is important to focus on how your interests relate to your goals.

You do not talk very much about your specific interests and goals. Can you focus more on them? What you wrote about the lessons you learned from Harry's story is very meaningful, so you should keep it, but you should also tell how it relates to specific goals that you would like to accomplish.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 - If you were an admission counselor, what would you think? [19]

I wanted to tel you that this essay still makes your dad seem negligent. You MUST have some opportunities to talk. Even with the busiest work schedule, a father has time to talk meaningfully with you. So, you might want to cut out this sentence:

We live under the same roof and enjoy the same television and couch, but we never get a chance to talk.

Here is an error: He shows me every day that giving up should never be an option; that even when situations seem hopeless, I should still give my best effort.

Undergraduate / 'opportunity to have a technical-management background' - Columbia Univ. short essay response [3]

Great ending, boring beginning. Can you revise to tell something interesting that has come to be a passion in your life... which relates to your aptitude for math and science?

Essays / What are the "do's and dont's" of an introduction of an essay? [8]

I HATE that rule about not saying, "In this essay I am going to ..." I mean, I think it is really nice to have the thesis highighted by a sentence, like that. Sometimes, I write, "This paper is intended to show that blah blah blah...

I like the directness, and I challenge any teacher to give me a good reason why a student should not state the thesis outright. Why be subtle about the thesis? I never understood that rule...

Undergraduate / Miracle. The birth of a new child. International Baccalaureate Admission paper. [2]

There we lived for a year or so. Then , we moved to Singapore.

I suggest that you begin and end with a meaningful idea about why you want to do the International Baccalaureate program and "what you believe you could contribute." That is an important part of the prompt, and you do not respond very much to it. Can you answer that question at the beginning, and then refer back to it at the end?

Undergraduate / "From Bolivia" - American University Essay [10]

Just cut out the unnecessary stuff, like this:

Smack! my headboard resonated as I arose violently after I had a horrible realization. It was three in the morning; I had school in four hours, but I could not go back to sleep. The idea that all my hard work in school was quickly becoming a reality in my mind. All the effort that I had put into my studies for the last three years could go down the drain, all because of my immigration status. All the sacrifices I had made by continuously choosing my studies over parties, sports, and even girls, would all mean nothing. I would end up at the local community college just like all my other friends, who were not quite as virtuous as I was towards their studies. As I thought about it even more, I realized that there were tons of other kids, just like me, who were also being denied their opportunity to reach their full potential in a collegiate setting.

Undergraduate / Democracy itself guarantees the right to express; ISSUE OF IMPORTANCE [4]

Good, I think you have a lot of potential with the concept of democracy involving the arguments through which truth is born. Can you refer to that a few more times in the essay?

Also, I think the past tense of "to cast" is just "cast," not "casted."

Undergraduate / Short Answer Response, two stories. Which one to chose? [18]

My most important advice for you is that you should leave out some of the details about what you have done in the stock market, and leave some room to tell how this relates to your intended major at this school to which you are applying. right now, all you write about how you will apply this knowledge is: It would be my pleasure to practice what I have learnt at Ohio State University. Revise that to say something specific and meaningful.

:)

Writing Feedback / 'Liberalisation of aviation' - Airline deregulation essay [2]

The airline industry currently occupies a very important place in the Irish market, due to both the major changes that have taken place over time as a result of new legislation, and the increase in competition, especially following the advent of low cost airlines. Right here, you can write: This essay is intended to explain the benefits associated with the Liberalisation of aviation... (this will be th thesis sentence)

Paragraph 2:

The process of economic liberalization that

Changes of the air travel sector have had overwhelming positive results. Air travel has increased

At the end, reflect back on that thesis sentence that captures the central meaning of the essay.

Undergraduate / Villanova University Supp. "Thai boy Chart" [12]

Oh, man! I was just talking about that with someone the other day! You know, MLA says you need that comma, but Strunk and White say that you do not.

Sea is right, because your academic writing should conform to MLA, but wow, that rule is broken all the time!!

After the second to last item in lists, I sometimes I either use a comma or not depending on what I am writing.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose / Admission Essay for U of Maryland ME Grad Program [2]

This essay is excellent! You cannot help but write an impressive essay, because you truly are a serious student. Everyone has to SEEM like a serious student but you are the real thing. So, congratulations. I think you can improve the essay by trying to eliminate one unnecessary phrase or sentence from each paragraph. Try to say it all in fewer words.

You also might want to look for a certain THEME that the essay conveys, and mention that theme in the 1st and last paragraphs.

Undergraduate / 'Golfing activity' - common app short answer [9]

I don't think you need to tell why you stopped playing... the important thing is that, through reading what you write, the reader can see that you have a dynamic personality and great aptitude.

So, keep revising to show that you can write well. Entrance the reader with rhythmic prose.

Undergraduate / 'Tupac's changes' - NYU short response [4]

Wow, awesome! You can strengthen it with reference to some OLD literature .. the history that led to this day. A quote from The Fire Next Time, by Baldwin... a quote by M.L. King... talk about the meaning of the song within the framework of the history of the civil rights movement.

Undergraduate / COMMON APP ESSAY: FREE TOPIC. "Ingredients" [3]

I like it a lot! I hope it goes well with them, because if it does not it means that they do not understand it! When you are aware of the innate value of every person or event, just because of their sheer realness, then you can appreciate life.

This essay shows certain wisdom, the kind of wisdom that comes with being an artist.

So, the only comment for improvement comes from my "formal" analysis of your essay here. The form of the essay is like a stream (i.e. stream of consciousness). You start off by advising the reader, telling him or her that he or she is like a painting. Then, you tell about the nature and value of art... and then, you conclude by telling something about how you view the world... I wonder if you could direct every paragraph to that person you were talking to at the beginning. For example, at the beginning you can write:

He is five feet, nine inches tall. He has ragged hair. He has a parrot nose. She has a ruddy face and tired eyes along with repugnant stubble. His garb consists of tattered apparel. He is a masterpiece.

You are a painting; and all paintings, in their own right, are masterpieces.

And at the end you can write:

When he looks at life-people, places or things- as a painting, he even finds beauty in tragedy.

Just an idea...

Writing Feedback / 'People use some drugs, always' - essay about drugs. [8]

Yes, you can narrow the topic by saying something specific. For example, you write:

"So do not take drugs and your life will be better." This is a good sentence. You can argue that life is better for people who do not use illegal drugs. That is a specific argument, and you gave lots of reasons to back it up. You should make that argument at the beginning of the essay.

Then, you can write a paragraph about the counter-argument. You should write about what people say when they argue that drugs improve your life. Then, you can tell why they are wrong and you are right.

Then, you can review all the ideas and conclude.

I hope that helps!!!

Undergraduate / 'a developed and a developing economy' - U of T essay ( issue of importance) [7]

At the beginning, you refer to the word "education." So, put it in " " marks.

"Education." A simple word which encompasses

You might need a semi-colon here:

In a world where corruption, terrorism prevails; education can be that factor which helps eliminate such evils.

At the end, can you say something more specific than this: As a student who wants to take up a future in business I know its imperative for me to be highly educated. That sentence makes me think that you are getting your OWN education mixed in with "education" as a global issue. It is better to focus on the point you are making about education being a crucial issue because it is our only hope for eliminating injustice, suffering, poverty, terrorism, and so forth.

Stay focused on how "education" is the ISSUE that underlies all other issues.

However, at the end, you WILL have to say something about how you want to receive your education at the U of T. SO, describe how your educational and career goals relate to this process of improving the world by promoting education.

Undergraduate / I just realized that it is my grandfather's influence that has molded me into what I am today [7]

Yes, the rule for powerful communication is: Say it, explain it, and then say it again. That way, the reader will have his or her attention aligned with your intended theme, rather than just letting the attention be led through a series of sentences with no discernible theme.

So, it helps to introduce the theme in the beginning.

However, the MOST important thing is for you to write according to YOUR vision for the essay. So, it is good for you to only make changes that feel right!

:)

Undergraduate / Villanova University Supp. "Thai boy Chart" [12]

Air conditioning, comfy bed, clean clothes, tasty food and my loving family -- I had always taken all these wonderful things for granted until I traveled to Thailand for my sophomore year oversea interim program at my high school, HKIS.

how about a dash for that first sentence?

This one-day service trip pushed me...

Book Reports / What is a book that has inspired you? (Pourquoi) [7]

Whatever you add at the end has to be very powerful. Usually, adding ore at the end is like watering it down. If you get inspired with a perfect sentence, go for it!

Undergraduate / common app essay: my father [2]

Until I was 15, I thought that I was really lucky to have a father like my daddy.

I'm proud of him so often.

When I went to events with my dad, I always felt like a star.

People would praise me in front of him.

Ohhhh... I see! Your dad's powerful presence left little room for your own presence!

Now, all that is left to do is implement Constance's corrections and then try to take out any unnecessary words or sentences.

Undergraduate / Essay : Issue of importance (about a pessimistic friend?) [16]

Wow, I am so impressed with Wong's advice today! Wong, check out the contributor page! :)

As for whether the effect was negative or positive, it is all a matter of presentation. As Constance said, focusing on the positive is key. That reminds me, I got beat up by six kids when I was 12, and that experience brought out some of the best parts of my personality! So, I think your essay is going to CONTRAST your attitude against a negative point of view.

Some humor would be great in this essay!

Undergraduate / Sharps and Flats - common app essay... [10]

Wow, perfect. So, I guess you realize that writing is music, too. The principles remain the same. Now, would it be possible to somehow mention your career or college aspirations within this powerful essay? If you incorporate mention of your specific ambitions for college, you will have to mention it both at the beginning and at the end. Just an idea.

:)

Undergraduate / UT essay ("a pair of the beautiful earnings") [7]

Great, it is strong as long as there is at least one sentence that powerfully stells the central truth of the essay, and as long as you do not digress too much from that idea. Keep it powerful by keeping it interconnected as you write about various aspects of one central phenomenon, which in this case is the subject of your story.

Great collaboration here!

Undergraduate / U of Washington. Limit for number of word? [13]

GREAT advice, Wong!

Undergraduate / USC essay- "to be a successful Hispanic", let me know what you think [18]

Well, every essay could use work, but with this one I was sort of nitpicking! It is a strong essay.

I was just talking about how to strengthen the intro and conclusion.

It is always good to beef up the intro and conclusion paragraphs; these paragraphs are like the bulging biceps on a superhero.

Good luck!!!!

Writing Feedback / Odyssey essay; 'Sure God created man before woman...' [6]

Well, for a high school or undergraduate essay... really for any essay... quotes can be added in at the end in a way that will seem sufficiently graceful. I think I can give grammar help in a way that leaves you free to add some quotes later on.

Actually, though, I have heard of teachers who sometimes actually challenge students to write an essay about a literary work WITHOUT using any quotes. maybe this is one of those essays...

Greek women, like multitudes of women amongst ancient eras, were considered inferior in contrast to men in civilized society. Of course, it is the fact that men stood unmatched b y women through their natural muscular strength that defined their dominant role in this gender-based relationship. This resulted in the bias of overall dominance in men and in other persona such as bravery, cunning, resourcefulness, etc. With power, men made women subservient and dictated their roles as either a sex-toy or a maiden. It is from here we acknowledge that men gave women little regard for character or personality. However, in the Odyssey, Homer describes one figure whose qualities are not ignored and whose qualities strengthen the image of the ideal woman, or in this case, the ideal wife.

Start a new paragraph here, so that the above sentence becomes your thesis sentence.

Add a topic sentence for this paragraph . Homer does indeed test Odysseus on his physical journey back home, but he also tests his wife Penelope, embarking her on a moral journey through the adversity of maintaining her fidelity, cunning and bravery. Through this, he discovers that women perhaps may be unfit to man in his eyes, but overall, they may in fact be their equals or superiors. Now give a quote or reference to the story in order to back up this assertion.

Continue that way, and you will do great! Keep each paragraph compact and powerful, with evdence to back up your claims about the story.

Undergraduate / Colorado State University Admissions [4]

Oh, I know how this is! The writer can't know how the essay seems to the reader.

It would be great if the essay started with this line:

Now would be a good time to explain how I shattered my lazy, arrogant life style.

Now THAT is interesting. All that other stuff from the beginning, about getting high and getting girls, has got to go. I understand you, but I think many readers would misunderstand. Certain terms and phrases elicit certain emotions, and the reader is like, What?!

Then, continue:

No I'm not going to plaster another boring death story to the reader's to-do list, but a death has had an impact on

Now, this phrase is a little unclear:

So I will make the conclusion of this essay yours, but...

Now, I think you can spend 20 minutes or so, and re-write this so that each paragraph introduces a separate thought. Start with a topci sentence, and then explain it, and then conclude it and move on to the next thought. Experiment with putting these sentences in different orders. However, if it seems like you are sucking the life out of the essay, change it back to the way you had it!

This certainly comes from the heart, and the reader will appreciate that...

Writing Feedback / Peony in love is my favorite book. Take a read of this essay [5]

Jerry, that is some great advice. Actually, the thesis sentence often goes at the end of the first paragraph. You can think of the intro para as a "thesis paragraph," as you mentioned. You are totally right: the thesis sentence is the essence of the whole essay.

About the red font, I think you get that when you become a EF Contributor, but for now you can use bold. See the contributor link at the bottom of the page.

Now, it is true that this needs a thesis sentence. Sum up the relationship between Peony's revelation and your revelation.

"Revolves around" is a weird colloquialism; you should just write that it is centered on a young girl named Peony:

Set in seventeenth century China after the Cataclysm, Peony in Love revolves around a young girl named Peony.

Now, at the end, I am not sure exactly how your Dad's medical trouble relates to what Peony discovered... well, i see that you had a revelation, an heightened perspective, and it resulted from the medical trouble... so, that is like Peony because of something that elevated her perspective? Maybe you can explain it a little better. :)