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Posts by Hiddengrace
Name: Katheryn M
Joined: Jan 13, 2016
Last Post: Aug 15, 2017
Threads: 6
Posts: 118  
From: United States

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Hiddengrace   
Feb 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / The development of people's perception of living in society results in the changes of managing money [10]

Yes, I agree that can be tough. I mean, the best reasons you have are what you have experienced, so that seems strange to me. It's common practice for people to use their experience as evidence to support their opinion. And right now adding those things will strengthen your essay. Personal experience doesn't always translate to others, true, because not everyone has the same experiences. I think, however, that if you can articulate these experiences clearly and concisely, it shouldn't matter as long as the reader can understand your point.

I'm not a teacher, but if you show me something that you wrote using your experience, I can let you know my opinion on it. It doesn't have to be the whole essay, but maybe a few sentences or something.
Hiddengrace   
Feb 17, 2016
Undergraduate / Transfer admission essay for Georgia Tech. I need help forming an excellent essay which I lack of. [19]

Hi Juan! I see that you have gotten a lot of support here and I'd like to give you my opinions as well.

I don't see anything in your essay about GT in specific, nor do I see anything about GT's program in specific. This is what they are looking for, I believe. Yes, your underlying motivations are important, and it's great that you've added your interests and goals here. Personally I think it might be helpful for you to include why this program is a good fit for you, or what interests you specifically about this program. Currently, your essay could apply to any number of schools. In previous drafts of this essay, you had included that information (at least somewhat), but in this draft it's no longer there. I would suggest thinking about what it is about GT's AE program that interests you and including that. What do they have that no other school has? How can GT's AE program help you succeed? I see Aiko mentioned this previously, and I agree with that comment. Actually, I agree will Aiko's entire post. :)

As far as grammar is concerned, you've got a lot of run on sentences happening in your latest draft. You're trying to say a lot in one sentence which makes it very confusing.

Looking closely at the successes of NASA, SpaceX, Virgin Galactic, and other top leading Aerospace companies, motivated me to pursue a career in AE because.....

Look how long that one sentence is! Breaking it down into multiple parts will surely create a more structured, concise, and more easily understandable essay. For example:

Looking closely at the successes of top aerospace companies such as NASA, SpaceX and Virgin Galactic has motivated me to pursue a career in Aerospace Engineering. Innovations these companies are a part of, such as the Orion spacecraft and James Webb telescope have inspired my goals to develop and apply these skills to create safer technology.

You don't need to list so many companies and projects/. innovations. One or two will do. From what I've written you can then go into more detail about these goals, such as discussing propulsion, aerodynamics, etc... Try to keep your sentences more compact. They don't have to be childlike in simplicity but being more concise will pack a larger punch.
Hiddengrace   
Feb 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / The development of people's perception of living in society results in the changes of managing money [10]

I think using simple sentences can be detrimental only if they are really simple, like something a child would write. When your sentences are so complex that the meaning is hard to understand, that is even more detrimental. It's best to aim for somewhere in the middle. The sentences themselves don't have to be so simple, but they should be clear and easy to understand. Its less about the sentence and more about the words themselves. You can write a long, complex sentence where the meaning is easily understood because the words are simple. For example, I'm not using extremely simple sentences here; however, all of the words are understandable, concise, and the meaning comes across easily.

Here is an example of a possible thesis statement.
Children should not be taught to manage money at a young age because they are unaware of the importance of money, there are too many temptations, and they should not be burdened with that responsibility yet.

Yes, it is long, but it is explaing your three reasons in a way that anyone can easily understand. It is more about the language being simple than the sentence being short.

I think, in your case, you shouldn't focus on having more complex sentences to meet the word requirement. That will just make your writing harder to understand. Instead, focus on writing more simple sentences. Use more detail and explanation. This will help you have a stronger essay because you are backing up your opinions with stronger examples and reasons. Backing up your opinions with examples is what they are looking for in an essay where you have to choose a side and explain why you have chosen it. Right now, you could make your thesis statement clearer. It seems like your three reasons can be merged into one reason, and so you should make each point clearer and have more detail.

Not once in your essay do I see you have written why you feel that these three things are true. You have explained them, but not given any reasons behind why you believe them. To amp up your essay, try giving examples from your life or things you have seen/ heard about. Why do you believe it is hard for them to resist temptations? When you were a child, did you spend your allowance on candy or toys? Write about that! What makes you feel like it will be too much pressure for children to learn about money early on? Why do you think they shouldn't be burdened or pressured to manage money? Include that as well. Why do you believe children are too irresponsible or unaware of the importance of money? The more you back up your three reasons, the stronger your essay will be.
Hiddengrace   
Feb 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / The development of people's perception of living in society results in the changes of managing money [10]

Hi Menglu! You seem to have a pretty good command over the English language. Your essay is a bit verbose, especially your first sentence. It even took me, a native English speaker, a few reads of that sentence to figure out what you meant. Is there a way you can simplify it a bit more? I'm not even sure what you mean by premature worldview, even after reading the paragraph that supposedly explains it. I assumed you meant an immature world view- being to young to understand the meaning of managing money, but I'm not even sure that's what you mean after reading your essay. Do you mean they will be taking on serious responsibilities too soon?

Also, I'm not sure irreasonability is the right word there; in fact, I'm not even sure that's a word at all! Maybe you mean irresponsibility? Irresponsibility means not showing maturity, good judgement, or being trusted to make the right decisions. Irreasonability sounds like it might mean the inability to reason? I'm not sure what you are going for there.

As far as the questions you've asked:
1. I've never heard "in the society" unless you are saying a specific society. Like, "in the aboriginal society," etc... If you mean the general society, you can say simply "in society".

2. When and while are interchangeable in general speech, at least in my experience. While generally expresses duration. So if it's something that happens over a long period of time, you would use while. If it's something that has a short time period, when is used. But that's not a hard and fast rule. Perhaps an internet search to look at various opinions might be helpful?

3. "By contrast" is okay, but it's awkward. What is generally used, in my experience, is "in contrast." This does not have to relate to color. Take this quote, for example "In contrast to logic or reason, a story is about emotion that gets staged over a sequence of dramatic moments, so you empathize with the characters without really thinking about it too much." You could also say conversely or contrarily, which mean the same thing. But "in contrast" is perfectly fine. :)

4. I'd say "That" is generally more appropriate than "because" in that instance. But it's also okay to say "xx happened because of yy." In that case, it's perfectly okay to use "because" as it's linked to the verb "happened."

5. I've never heard of "at young age" being correct. I'd say it's "at a young age". But with a google search, it looks like "at young age" might be correct as well.

I've also never heard of "suppose to." I would have said "supposed to" is perfectly correct. But I guess that's what happens when you have different people from all over the world, each having learned different grammar rules. I'm just trying to give my opinion on what is correct. :) Take care!
Hiddengrace   
Feb 16, 2016
Graduate / 'I was never a computer savvy' - SOP TO GET ADMISSION in A MASTERS' of DATA SCIENCES PROGRAM [3]

Hi Franklin. I see that you are getting some good feedback here and I thought I'd give you my input as well. It feels to me like you've thought a lot in detail about what led you to be interested in this subject/ program. That's okay, but you're missing an opportunity here to showcase yourself in a positive light. I hate to say it, but admissions committees don't care that much about how/ why you became interested, but rather what you've done with that interest. Your first two paragraphs do give a little background information about you, but it feels unimportant to me- they're not really saying anything about you that shows the admissions people what a successful student you'll be. It's completely extraneous and unnecessary. In fact, saying you aren't computer savvy ( no "a" needed there) and weren't sure about your interest will hurt you more than it will help you.

You mention your public policy scholarship so briefly! Those are the kinds of accolades and achievements you should be highlighting. Even if the achievement wasn't in data science you can still connect them. Think about how being successful in public policy will help you to be successful in data science. Or how that influenced your interests/ goals regarding data science.

I wanted to study development economics

I think this makes a good starting point for your revised SOP. Most of what comes before that is irrelevant. It connects both public policy and data science, and expresses your passion and goals for data science. What you have after this paragraph is okay, but I think you need to discuss your goals more when it comes to data science and utilizing that within the realm of public policy. Discuss some concrete things. You discuss the slow development of your country- think about how this education will give you the tools to change that.

Right now you're just kind of listing reasons why you're interested in this program, but you need to portray more than interests. You're saying, I want this degree in X so that I can be good a Y. I'm not sure that will be looked on very positively by the admissions committee. You need to show passion and your goals for data science all on its own.

Some things to think about:
Why this specific program at this specific school?
Why are you a good fit for it?
How have your previous experiences prepared you for this education?
What skills, talents, characteristics, etc... have prepared you to succeed in this program? How will they do this?
What are your plans? What are you going to do with this education?
What kinds of problems do you aim to solve with this education?
Hiddengrace   
Feb 15, 2016
Scholarship / Short 250 word Scholarship essay on challenging circumstance [3]

Hi there, AJ! I think you've got a good rough draft here. I do see a fair amount of grammar and wording errors. You have some run on sentences. It's more important, however, to talk about how this essay portrays you to the admissions committee. I don't think this essay is positive enough. You thoroughly explain your situation and the challenges it brought, but nowhere did I read about how you persevered and overcame this in a positive way. You say you realize how valuable this help was. Explain more about that. What did you learn? How does what you learn help you today? Does what you learned help you to be more successful in some way? Did you learn good traits or strengths?

My family came to America when I was just nine years old and it was a rough transition for me because my parents couldn't speak English ...

These could be shortened into multiple sentences which make more of an impact on the reader over two really long sentences.
My family came to America when I was just nine years old. This was a rough transition for me because my parents couldn't speak English, which meant I had to serve as the translator for me family. I suddenly became responsible for managing the household for my parents, including translating their everyday interactions and understanding legal documents.
Hiddengrace   
Feb 15, 2016
Undergraduate / Expectations And Criterias; "How can you benefit from the education at AUC?" [2]

Hi Rana! It seems to me like you are writing more about why you have chosen AUC than anything else. That's not what the instructions ask. You're basically giving them a very flattering but meaningless essay about how you found put about AUC and why you like the school.

Your first two paragraphs are unnecessary. They are obvious to the people reading this essay. The point of the essay is to think about your goals- they already know this. You are wasting valuable space with this kind of information. Your last four paragraphs talk about how you found out about the school and why you've chosen it. again, this is not what the instructions are asking of you. It doesn't say anything about you other than a detailed list of what you look for in a university.

They want to know what your plans and goals are in this field, and how AUC can help you achieve them.This is what you should be writing about. I don't even know what your chosen field is or why you are interested in that field. What is your career goal? What is your plan of study? How will AUC help you succeed more than any other college? What do they offer that other schools don't? Think in terms of programs, opportunities, internships, professors, etc... not in terms of how organized they are or what their reputation is.

If you revise your essay I'd be happy to edit it for grammar, punctuation, etc... mistakes. Right now, however, I think you need to focus on ensuring that you are answering the prompt correctly and showing them that you have researched and thought about how AUC will benefit you.
Hiddengrace   
Feb 15, 2016
Graduate / Statement of purpose for Texas A&M to specialise in analog and mixed signal [5]

Hi Andrew! Welcome to EF. Was there a prompt or instructions for what to include in this essay? It would be very helpful to see that so that I know what the admissions committee is looking for from your essay.

I'm not sure about your introductory paragraph. I don't think it adds anything to your statement because it's not about you. It has a very academic feel to it and for me, someone who isn't passionate or interested in this subject, it's pretty boring. Maybe instead you can discuss how you became interested in this field- how you became interested in improving computer technology, its shift, or how you started tinkering with electronics. I think that's stronger and more focused on you, which is what a statement of purpose should be.

I think overall, you're trying to present a comprehensive view or yourself, but by doing that, you're glossing over each of these events, activities, and projects. You're losing the opportunity to really discuss them in detail by trying to include too much. I think it's fine to include a lot of experiences- I know in my SOP for grad school I talked about at least 4 experiences I had, but I was able to discuss each one in detail. In my opinion, discussing fewer projects in more detail gives the reader more insight into who you are when you can discuss what you did, how you contributed, and how it affected you/ what you learned. Just briefly touching on each project makes your essay read more like a resume.

Personally, I would choose less of the projects/ experiences and use that space to be much more detailed. You want them to really see your qualities, and saying you did these things is great, but it doesn't show them your strengths. Which of these had the largest impact on you? Which one did you learn the most from? Which one really affirmed your interest in this field? That is what you should be writing about, and maybe thinking about those questions can help you narrow it down.

It's fine to say that you worked on all of these projects; however, the way you have done so does not give the opportunity for the admissions committee to see who you are as a person. What are your skills? What are your strengths? What are your plans? You mention smart sensors. Discuss more about that if that's a serious goal of yours. How do you want to make the world more connected? Describe that!

Your grammar and punctuation look pretty great to me- can't spot anything that needs editing there. I mostly focused on the content and getting the right message across, though, so it's possible I missed something.
Hiddengrace   
Feb 15, 2016
Book Reports / Lady Macbeth character analysis - how does she change? [2]

I want to reply because I see that this has been unanswered for a few days now, but I don't know too much about this other than what I could google. My best advice for this essay would be to use more quotes and concrete examples from the text to explain your answers, especially in your fourth paragraph. That monologue of hers is famous. so I think it would help more to explain it with more than one sentence. Your grammar and punctuation look good here. I wish you all the best.
Hiddengrace   
Feb 14, 2016
Scholarship / One brush at a time. KGSP Introductory letter. [7]

From your introduction to this essay, the impression that I get is that you care more about competing in academics- getting good grades, high gpa, awards, etc... I don't think that's the message that you want to send. It reads like you care more about getting accomplishments rather than learning, growing, making contributions to society or your school, etc... And that's definitely nit a view that you want a school to have of you. Yes, they'll understand that you'll work hard, but it's not for the right reasons. I would talk more about your passions as they relate to learning, and contributing to society.

I don't know why you put working hard in quotes. Expand upon this part also. You talk briefly about working long hot days, etc... but you don't talk about how you learned the value of hard work. What impact did this discovery of hard work have on you? I'd also talk more about the admin area of that job. What did you do once you realized that people's good work was going unnoticed? How did that realization help you or change you?

You can easily and quickly mention that it took you a long time to find a job but you never gave up or stopped working hard to find it. I would also discuss way more about this job. Don't gloss over the big things. How did you introduce this model? What effects did it have on you, your job, or the company itself?

Keep thinking about this, keep digging, keep editing and rewriting. You'll get there.
Hiddengrace   
Feb 14, 2016
Undergraduate / Activity or employment opportunity / Queen's Commerce contribution / decision to persevere & to quit [6]

For what you've added for the third essay, I would describe your duties at the nursing home, and why you ultimately chose to quit that vs quitting the mentoring program or life guarding. What were the benefits of the two that you kept? Was mentoring and life guarding more worthwhile for some reason? Was the work at the nursing home more stressful? Explain that! I would also explain more about what happened after you quit the nursing home.You say you believed you be more successful- talk more about that! How were you more successful. Did your grades go up? Were you able to dedicate yourself more to the mentoring program, etc...?

For the second essay, I think you're trying to think too hard about all the different types of contributions, which makes your essay confusing. I would stick to one or two areas and describe them in detail. For example, working/ volunteering in the language center to tutor French. That's a contribution! Or starting a French club and having french activities- that's something else you can describe under the French aspect. If you want to talk about fashion, describe that in detail. How would you pass that knowledge on? How would you network? If you want to talk about QMAC, research how speakers are chosen. How do you get into the position to help with that? Discuss your plan and goals for being that person. Is it an election?

I'd pick one or two of these things and then really think about it in detail.
Hiddengrace   
Feb 13, 2016
Undergraduate / Activity or employment opportunity / Queen's Commerce contribution / decision to persevere & to quit [6]

As far as your second essay goes, I'm not really sure what you've written is an appropriate answer for the prompt. It seems like you're discussing this conference as something you'd like to take part in and as something that will help you grow and succeed. That's all fine and good, but it's not asking you which programs at QC will help you. It's asking how you will contribute to the school. So if this conference is something that you wish to take part in, how will you contribute to it? How will your role improve this conference? You mention that very briefly, in one sentence. So I think that is something you should expand upon. you can introduce the topic and how you'd like to get involved in a few sentences. Then spend the majority of the essay discussing the role you will play in improving the conference. Why will your ideas make it better? Explain them! What are your plans to make these ideas a reality? Think about how you will interact with your peers, teachers, and the general community of the school.

For your last essay, is that the whole thing? I don't see anything about a time you decided to quit there. The prompt is asking for both a time you persevered and a time you quit, and how each experience affected you.

For the one that you have, where you persevered, I don't think you've answered it as fully as you can. Explain more about the parent. How were they checking in with you? What were their actions that showed them being unreasonably concerned? Explain more about yourself as well. How did you learn these things you mentioned learning? How has learning those things changed you?
Hiddengrace   
Feb 13, 2016
Undergraduate / Activity or employment opportunity / Queen's Commerce contribution / decision to persevere & to quit [6]

Hi Malika. Welcome to EF!

Essay 1
I think you have chosen a good experience to share with the admissions committee for this one. Without a lot of space to explain, you have done well sharing both the experience and the impact it's had on you. My only issue with this essay is the order and flow. I think it might be better if you could rearrange the order in which you tell the story. If you start off describing the experience by first talking about the students, how they didn't have books, etc... Then discuss the skills you utilized, how you helped them, and what you learned. Then relate those skills to the program you're applying for. It makes your whole essay flow in a much more natural way. I think just a simple rearranging of some sentences with minor rewrites will create a great essay for you!

I have to go now, unfortunately. I thought I had an event 5 hours away but it turns out it's an hour away. I'll come back and discuss your second two essays when I get a chance.
Hiddengrace   
Feb 12, 2016
Undergraduate / An experience that taught you about yourself or the world... UBC Personal Profile (Computer Science) [3]

Hi Kingsley! Welcome to EF! Definitely agreeing with Louisa once again. This essay isn't really centered around the prompt- your overall growth and how your view of the world has changed.

I would say that this experience had [...] for the benefit of people around me.

This sentence, while so long, is both indiscernible and meaningless to me. It influenced the way you see social development? How? Why? How is that important to who you are as a person? How has this made a profound change in the way you see the world? You say you rediscovered your passion- but what is that passion? How has that passion affected your life, goals, and view of the world? Saying you want to make a positive change is meaningless if you don't say what that change is, what your goals/ plans are to make that change, and how you will put those plans into action. How will you benefit those around you? Who are those people? Are they impoverished? Oppressed? Discriminated against? Why is it important for you to make their lives better?

You're saying a lot of words that don't say anything specific of meaningful about who you are and how you have changed as a person. Louisa gives good pointers on how to brainstorm the right lesson and experience to discuss in this essay. I think if you chose something, even if it was small, and discussed it in really concrete details, it would be better than making very general broad statements.
Hiddengrace   
Feb 11, 2016
Scholarship / What challenge will you face when transitioning to college. What steps will you take to address it? [3]

Hi Ariel. Hmm... do you mind if I ask what this essay is for? Is it for a scholarship? I'm just not sure about what you've chosen to discuss as your challenge. I think that this is a very generic challenge faced by so many people (nearly everyone) and both your reasons for being stressed and ways to address it are not distinctive in any way. I'm not sure if what you've written will help you stand out. Think about challenges that are not only academic, but there are challenges that relate to adjusting to college life, social challenges, challenges of being more responsible/ independent, time management, finances, relationships, home and family, etc... These are some types of challenges you can think about. When choosing your challenge, you want the reader to see that you that thoroughly thought about the challenge- both in the how it will challenge you and how you can overcome it.

If you choose to stick to this topic, then I think you need to get more personal with it. How has stress affected you in the past? How have you coped with it in ways that will show the reader you've succeeded in stressful situations before? How can you show them you will do this again now? How will this challenge affect you now, transitioning to college? You should try to discuss this in a way that relates uniquely to you, not in a way that every other student identifies with. You mention that stress will lower your GPA. Yes, that's an important aspect, but how else can that kind of stress be harmful - what about your health, socialization, well being, etc...? How are you going to avoid procrastination? Saying you will do that is meaningless if you don't put a plan in action. What specific steps will you take? How will you manage both school and fun/ relaxation/ meditation/ exercise? I know you have a limited word count here but right now this essay isn't helping you to make a positive impression or stand out.

Also, where you end and begin a new paragraph looks off. I think the flow would be better if you start your second paragraph discussing your steps/ action plan. I think the first sentence of your second paragraph should become the last sentence of your first paragraph instead.
Hiddengrace   
Feb 10, 2016
Scholarship / Receiving this scholarship would bring me one step closer to making my biggest dream a reality. [3]

Hi Summer. I think you've got a good start with this draft. 250 words is not a lot of space to convey as many things as you've mentioned in this essay/ letter. Instead of trying to include everything you have here, it will make a lasting impression if you choose one or two things and expound on them in more detail.

You mention having goals and a dream, but how is this scholarship going to help you achieve them? Juan makes an excellent point about this. Saying you have this huge generic goal isn't going to impact your essay the way you want it to. You need to include your specific, realistic goals and how this scholarship sets you on the path to achieving them.

I would choose one specific goal that relates to schools/ programs you're applying for and one example of hard work and explain them in detail. You discuss your work ethic almost as an afterthought. This and your goals should be at the forefront of your essay rather than the information about your parents and financial situation.
Hiddengrace   
Feb 10, 2016
Faq, Help / Some questions about likes here on EF. [4]

I just don't understand this, so maybe someone can help explain this to me. It's not remotely a pressing issue; I'm just curious and wondering why the like system works the way it does. I know that we're not here to be rewarded with likes, but rather to support and help others. However, it is nice to see that your comments are appreciated, helpful and supportive. These questions have come to mind and I thought I'd post them. Hopefully a more seasoned contributor or member of the admin team can clarify these questions for me.

Why can't we like other people's responses/ posts/ critiques/ edits/ etc... if we think they are relevant and helpful? Sometimes I just want to like up someone else's comments when I think they have made excellent edits, covered everything I had thought of, and I don't see anything else to add. It seems strange to me that only the OP and admin/ EF team are allowed to make likes. As volunteers/ editors/ what have you, I think we can be responsible with likes and support the help given by our fellow contributors/ editors. So maybe there is something I haven't thought of as to why this is not allowed?

If we post multiple comments in one thread and work with someone on their essay over time, why can't we earn likes for all of the posts that we make if they continue to be relevant and helpful? I see many people working over time to help people revise the same essay. It seems to me that if someone is continuing to help edit an essay through multiple drafts, and is continually making meaningful comments, they should be able to earn multiple likes as a "reward" for their diligence and support here on EF. I can see how this could be abused- people breaking down responses into multiple shorter posts just to earn likes, and having to remove likes given to abusers makes more work for the admin team. But it just seems odd to me. So again, maybe some clarity on this question would be helpful.

I've loved editing essays in the short time I've been here, and I really admire the supportive community here. Thanks so much in advance for your answers.
Hiddengrace   
Feb 10, 2016
Scholarship / One brush at a time. KGSP Introductory letter. [7]

Well, I think a personal experience can be great if you can connect it to the reason behind going into your chosen field, choosing this specific school, or if it has otherwise shaped you on your path to becoming a ??? ( since I don't know what program you are applying for here). If you want to connect it to persistence and diligence then you should explain how those skills were relevant in that experience, how you've grown those skills over the years and how they are relevant to your success in this program now. Right now it's not connected at all and it doesn't mean anything to the reader if you don't discuss how this event influenced you.

The same thing with your parents being highly competitive academically. It's not related. Discussing your sister and your parents' occupations doesn't help you in anyway unless, again, you connect what you learned from them to how you will succeed in this program. To be honest, I don't think it's really relevant at all, but it is your letter after all, so the ultimate decision lies with you. :) If you want to talk about the strength to overcome adversity, you should do so, but I'm not reading that from your essay right now. I think it's more important to focus on what is asked of you in the instructions and discuss your motivations for choosing this program.

I assume that there will be plenty of space to highlight your achievements in the other part of the application process/ essay that you mentioned; however, why not start of with a bang and highlight your accomplishments? Even if you just pick the most relevant experience, and discuss it in more detail, I think that will leave a more positive and lasting impression (but, as always, it's just my personal opinion). You want them to finish this letter eagerly waiting to read more about you and your other experiences and accomplishments. And for me, this essay doesn't quite do that yet.

I look forward to reading your revised essay!
Hiddengrace   
Feb 10, 2016
Scholarship / One brush at a time. KGSP Introductory letter. [7]

Hi Joshua. Welcome to EF! Before giving you any edits relating to grammar, punctuation, and word choice, let's just talk about the focus of your essay.

I'm kind of confused by what you have chosen to include and share in this introductory letter. I don't really think this letter is answering what the instructions have asked. Your third paragraph is really where all the important information lies- your work history, volunteer experience, accolades and successes, etc... These should be highlighted, not jumbled up into one paragraph.You gloss over your own education and experience as a psychologist. Why did you chose to study this? What did you learn in this field and how has it shaped you? That is pertinent information! you need to include more details here.

No where do I see what program you're applying for, why you want to be in this specific program, and specifically why Korea is the next step on your journey. This is the kind of information that the application committee is looking for.

Your first two paragraphs provide a lot of information, but is it relevant? I don't think so. I don't think they say very much to the reader or help them discover who you are as a person. I would cut them down, merge them into one paragraph, or delete them entirely. They're not serving you in this instance and doing this leaves you with more room to answer what is asked of you in more detail.

I'd be happy to edit this and critique it as written, but right now it's best of you re-think what you have and how it represents you while answering what is asked.
Hiddengrace   
Feb 9, 2016
Undergraduate / Aetas people. Transfer Essay Common App Prompt: provide a statement that addresses your reasons..." [4]

Hi Daisy! I think you have a good start here. I'm not going to give you grammar, wording and punctuation edits but rather talk about the scope and focus of your essay.

I'm not sure what purpose you intended for discussing the indigenous tribe. I'm not sure that adds to your essay. If you want to keep that, connect that more to how those people influenced your career path and goals. Your essay needs to focus on you, and 3 paragraphs about this tribe aren't telling the admissions committee about you- you are essentially filling the page with meaningless words. If you want to keep this, it needs to be about how this experience affected you. Not a metaphor for your decision to transfer, because that's meaningless. How did observing these people affect and influence your goals, and major/ school/ career choices? If you can relate it to yourself, it might be worth keeping in your essay. If not, I say limit it down to one paragprah or get rid of it altogether. Your essay needs to be about you, your goals, and how GWU can help you achieve those goals.

Speaking of goals, I think you need to focus on them much more. I was still kind of confused after reading your essay. You mention wanting to be a social entrepreneur, but I don't know what that means. . What does it mean to be a social entrepreneur? What kinds of change do you want to make in this field?What are your goals? Not just dreams, but realistic goals.

Also, you very briefly touch on GWU's entrepreneur program, but only to say that it is recognized. You need to explain more about why this school fits your goals and needs and why you are a good candidate for your program. What are your accomplishments and accolades? What makes you stand out?

I also don't understand why you want to transfer. The only reason you give is that you "love the aura" and it will help you "push even further." How will it do that? Why GW over other schools? What is it about the program, other than recognition, that makes it attractive to you? Touching what I've said above, how will GW help you to meet your goals more than any other school would?
Hiddengrace   
Feb 9, 2016
Letters / Arts management field, Letter of recommendation; Master Program. Light, sound control, house manager [3]

Hi Chi-wei.I think you have a good start here, but there are definitely a lot of awkwardly written phrases in here. Also, I think it might be helpful to focus more on what makes you a good candidate for the school/ program. You discuss your work in detail, but you should also discuss why you/ your employer thinks that you'll succeed in this program. Maybe talking to your employer about what he or she thinks might be helpful. Also, I would recommend changing your opening greeting. And example is: To the XXX School of Arts Management Application Committee:

Serving at the ______ Auditorium, he was responsible for the light control and ...

This is awkwardly written and and a run on sentence. It should be rephrased to make your duties more clear. Try breaking it down a bit more into two or more sentences. This also allows you to add more detail as well. Maybe something like: I also don't know what "according to the cases to shift when ordering tasks means." Do mean the ability to prioritize tasks as needed depending on the event?

he was responsible for controlling light and sound from the control room. He also worked as a house manager where he was able to prioritize responsibilities and tasks for each individual event.

Arts Center provided many different fields of missions, including speeches, film ...

"fields of missions" is also awkwardly written and confusing. Also, unless the name of the auditorium is arts center, that doesn't need capitalization. The arts center provides a venue for a variety of performances, including speeches, film screenings, live bands, dramas, dances, and concerts. He was very familiar with the requirements and responsibilities for each performance.

______ could manage each condition very well during the time he worked for ...

The word condition here is awkward. Simply saying performance or event would make it more clear. You also don't have to say "during the time he worked at the auditorium" as it's implied. Also, when you discuss organization and communication, your words are a little verbose and could be cleaned up a bit.

managed each event very well. He proved to have excellent organizational and communication skills, always keeping both staff and performers connected and up to date. You could say something else at the end there, but I think detailing your skills a little more would be beneficial. How did you communicate with staff and performers? Include that!

... performers was unparalleled, with keen and modest, he held his work to a high achievement.

another confusing run on sentence here. With keen and modest what? You're missing a word there I think. It might be best to again break this down into at least 2 sentences. The services proved by him were unparalleled, both for the audiences and performers. With keenness and modesty, he held his work to the highest standards.

performance arts,

performing arts

I still remembered his prominent appearance of Beijing Opera show, from ...

I'm not quite sure what you're saying here. It seems like you're saying that in this appearance in the opera, you performed as someone who started as an apprentice and became a man standing on the stage. It doesn't sound like you are the one who started out as an apprentice and then stood on the stage. So I would definitely clarify that. Also "man standing on a stage" is really vague. I mean, a janitor mopping the floor gets to stand on the stage. Were you in the show? Or was it the prominent appearance of the show that is notable? So I would say what you were doing there if you were a performer. . Acting, singing, etc? "From apprentice to operatic performer" is much better to me and more specific as well.

____ may have started out as an apprentice, but with his training and hard work, over one semester, he became an operatic performer.

His ambition for what he can engage [...] and communication in arts field.

His ambition and dedication to engaging in a wide variety of opportunities in this field is what makes him such an exceptional student. He has taken all of the opportunities we have offered and used them, as well as his excellent communication and administrative skills, to grow in this field and achieve his goals.
Hiddengrace   
Feb 5, 2016
Graduate / Essay for Kellogg MS in Management Studies Program [3]

Hi there Tianyu! I think the content of your essay is solid. You explain all of your experiences really well, and you included how they have helped you grow as a person. I really like that you explain the qualities you have learned in detail, and then at the end you sum them up. My only critique would be that at the end you sum up those skills, and it seems a bit rushed, or like something is missing. You're not really saying anything new there and for me it doesn't flow with the rest of the paragraph, which is more about the school than yourself. One quick sentence about how learning these skills will help you to achieve your goals or succeed at the school would really make for an excellent conclusion and merge your discussion of yourself and the school

From my perspective, an excellent business leader should acquire strong problem-solving skills and seek for tiny opportunities to make a breakthrough.

In addition, I strengthened my communication skills and team execution from different projects.

In these sections, you do really well telling the reader the qualities you have and then explaining how you have acquired and/or used those skills.

Your punctuation looks pretty good overall. I do see a lot of places where your writing could be cleaner, more effective and where your grammar and word choice can be streamlined. I'll post that in another message below.
Hiddengrace   
Feb 2, 2016
Undergraduate / "best careers for INFJ's" - Common App Transfer Essay: Personal Statement [6]

Bleh, that's what I get for being slow. Well, it's always good to include things like goals and plans. Maybe include the type of population you'd like to work with and talk about professional aspirations. What age group, working at a school, having a private practice, etc... Also more about why you and the school are a good match (over similar schools, etc...) and what you hope to get out of your education. It might help to talk about why you feel like the culture of your school wasn't a good fit and why this one is (which you did talk about a little bit).

Good luck!
Hiddengrace   
Feb 2, 2016
Undergraduate / "best careers for INFJ's" - Common App Transfer Essay: Personal Statement [6]

Sorry, I pressed enter by mistake and I posted an incomplete message.

Despite my reason for transferring being almost entirely academic, I'm excited to be on a new campus, that's inclusive and effervescent with comradery and school pride while meeting new people

I'm choosing to transfer for almost entirely academic reasons; however, transferring to xyz college excites me socially as well. I'm eagerly anticipating transferring as I find it an inclusive environment, effervescent with camaraderie and school pride, where I'll be able to meet like minded people.

Good luck!
Hiddengrace   
Feb 2, 2016
Undergraduate / "best careers for INFJ's" - Common App Transfer Essay: Personal Statement [6]

Hi Haley! You introduce yourself, your goals, and reasons behind transferring really well.Overall I think this is shaping up to be a great essay. I just have some minor edits for you.

For an entire day, I was lucky enough to observe ten sessions as the pathologist taught students how to shape their lips and position their tongues in ways that would enhance articulation, She also implemented creative educational activities that kept the students both focused and excited about the lesson.
Hiddengrace   
Feb 2, 2016
Scholarship / Letter of Self-Introduction for KGSP Scholarship Program [3]

Hey there Vania. I think you have a really great start, and I can see your passion and excitement for this program. Just some notes and ideas before I go in to edit, though. I think it might be more beneficial for you to talk about what other experiences you've had that led you to this field. Right now you talk about your school and working a fast food job; have you had any other experiences, internships, jobs, etc.. that might have helped you on your path? What kinds of things did you leanr at your fast food job? Even if it was thing like patience, or dealing with people, those are still positiv things even if they're nto directly related. I think it might also be helpful to talk more about your goals. You say you want to learn about Korean culture and tv shows. What do you plan to do with that knowledge? What kinds of changes would you like to make in the way Korea is perceived? How are you going to use this education to make a difference?
Hiddengrace   
Feb 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / There is no community spirit in high rise apartment blocks? Task 2 [2]

I just want to make a quick comment on this essay. After reading, I'm sort of confused on which position you argue in this essay. It may be typos, but it seems like you are trying to agree with both sides of the argument, which I'm not sure is the best way to go about it. Your first paragraph argues that living in apartments is lonely, but your second two paragraphs support the facts that it is a social environment. You're contradicting yourself throughout the entire thing.

Personally, I think it would be best to pick one side and only argue that side instead of arguing both. It doesn't seem like a strong essay when you are arguing for both sides in such a small essay- i.e. you're not really developing both arguments properly. If you only argued for one side, you'd be able to create a stronger, more detailed essay.

Whilst I believe that living in flats is a lonely experience, I firmly believe that it has the sense of social group and has great experience.

For example, here you are saying you do believe it is a lonely experience and you also believe that it has "the sense of social group".

The aforementioned evidence shows that although living in apartment can cause a lonely life, but it enhances sense of community. Hence, do not worried to stay in flats because it can also increase sense of social group.

Also, here you are saying that apartment living is lonely, but that it (what is the it? being lonely? or apartment life?) creates socialization.
Hiddengrace   
Jan 31, 2016
Undergraduate / I learned my strength is smiling as it can help me conquer challenges -UBC personal Profile [4]

As a competitive swimmer, I was offered [...] developed patience and benevolent over time.

I was given the opportunity to volunteer as an assistant swimming coach outside of competitive swimming practice. I saw this as a learning opportunity and eagerly agreed. Each lesson I guide students to help them become better swimmers and discover their individual strengths. In this position, I've developed patience and benevolence. Not sure if benevolence is the right word. Maybe compassion or something else might sound better? You also say patience at the end so maybe it's better to just have it one one place instead of two- that will lower your word count a bit.

The first day, I was expecting to be trained. [...] tots throughout their swimming programs.

On my first day, I was expecting to be trained; instead, I was asked to assist a coach with lessons for elementary school children. Upon first entering the water, children quickly climbed on my back and pulled my arms. I was inexperienced, but I still smiled through the lesson. The coach ensured they behaved. As the lesson started, I observed the coach's teaching methods so I could apply them in the future. It was a struggle because the children were very playful, but I never lost the smile on my face. I quickly became their favorite coach, earning their respect, and we were even able to have fun during out free time. I began to love these children and it became my goal to be with them through their entire swimming program.

The time passes so quickly, a year of [...] accomplishment and achievement I can have.

Time passed quickly, and all of the students passed each level in the program. My students even wrote me a thank you card about how happy they were. Through this experience, I learned my role as an assistant coach was to set an example and be a role model. I developed patience and learned that my strength is smiling through my challenges. The biggest achievement has been to help students who never swam before pass the program.

I've gotten it down a bit- maybe someone else can help get it down more. I think it's about 260 now. Good luck!
Hiddengrace   
Jan 31, 2016
Undergraduate / I learned my strength is smiling as it can help me conquer challenges -UBC personal Profile [4]

2013 summer, Volunteering at Oak Tree [...] singing out loud and sharing stories.

In the summer of 2013, I looked forward to volunteering at Oak Tree Senior Home each Saturday. My classmate and I prepared home-made cookies and muffins. We'd spend our time playing bingo, singling, and sharing stories with grandmas and grandpas. 40 Words. Looks like you duplicated 2 of your sentences in this paragraph.

I volunteer at Spa Versante every [...] accomplishment and achievement I can have

For over a year now, I've been volunteering at Spa Visante every Monday as an assistant swimming coach. In this position, I've straightened my patience. My best accomplishment is to help students who have never swum before pass level ten. 40 words

I apply myself to First Express [...] to work again the next summer.

During a teachers' strike, I worked full time as an accounting assistant at First Express Travel Center. I learned how to use their computer system, enter invoices, answer phone calls, and write a monthly income report. Because of my diligence, I was invited to return the next summer. 48 words

School's open house is very important, [...] perfectly were my duties every year. (54 words)

Every year, I volunteer at my school's open house. I consider this very important because it demonstrates our commitment to learning to new students. My duties include working with a teacher to create new ideas, helping to set up, and ensuring that the school is operating perfectly. 47

Swimming has been my favorite sport [...] develop me mentally, and physically. (50 words)

Since I was a child, swimming has been my favorite sport. Throughout high school, I swam twice a week and five days a week in the summer. I've attended many swim meets. Through my years of practice, swimming has helped me to develop mentally and physically. 46
Hiddengrace   
Jan 31, 2016
Undergraduate / I am constantly improving and learning, and that is all that matters! UBC Personal Profile [3]

Hi Ethan. I like your story and how you describe your hard work and perseverance. While I understand that this is experience was challenging for you, something is missing. Either your response doesn't fit the prompt or you have left something out of your essay (or I misunderstood something), because I don't see anything in your essay thst describes the intellectual challenges involved with swimming. Swimming is a physical challenge, not an intellectual one. An intellectual challenge might be something in school that you struggled with that was hard for you but you overcame.

You do have some grammar and punctuation errors, but I think it might be best for you to think more about the prompt and your experiences before I make any edits.
Hiddengrace   
Jan 31, 2016
Undergraduate / Emerson Transfer Essay! If you were to write a story of your life, what would you title it and why? [5]

It's super late for me now, but I just wanted to say I like your revision much better. It seems much more positive and passionate than your first draft, and more focused on the future rather than the past. I wonder if it might be helpful to include a sentence or two discussing how Emerson will help you to become the person you want to be?

Is "Nobody Knew Who I Was, and Neither Did I!" the title of your essay? I think it works as a title but not as well as your opening sentence. I like your opening (after the title), but I think the order might need to be reworked to make it more effective. Here are some options:

Since I was old enough to understand the simple phrase "just be yourself." I've been trying to answer the question; well who am I?

Who am I? Since I've been old enough to understand the simple phrase, "just be yourself," that's a question I've tried to answer.

Since I've been old enough to understand the simple phrase, "just be yourself," I've questioned who I am and what being myself meant.

Also, you don't need the comma after "for years."
Hiddengrace   
Jan 30, 2016
Undergraduate / University of Toronto , One idea application [2]

Hmm. I'm just not sure what you're going for with this essay/ personal statement. It definitely is different and lacks the traditional elements of an SOP/ PS. I'm not quite sure how effective it is. Can you paste the prompt so that we can help you better?
Hiddengrace   
Jan 30, 2016
Undergraduate / Emerson Transfer Essay! If you were to write a story of your life, what would you title it and why? [5]

I like your story, especially the part about middle school. But I don't think that saying you don't know who you are will help your chances of acceptance in any way.

Instead of talking about how you don't know who you are, think about this quote by Shaw: "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." You don't have to explain your entire existence in one phrase, but maybe talking about how you are still a work in progress might be better than saying you don't know who you are. Don't try to figure out who you are. Create yourself in the image of the person you want to be. Maybe talking about how you're trying to become your best self might be a better way of approaching this essay.

I'd be more than happy to edit/ proofread/ rewrite if you decide you want to stick with this version or go a different route.

Good luck!
Hiddengrace   
Jan 30, 2016
Graduate / Current social issue, relevant to social work practice VS interest in the social work profession [2]

Hi again EF! I'm just finishing up my last SOP, and it's due Monday. I need a help, edits, and suggestions on how to make certain parts of it sound less academic. From the prompt and instructions, I get the idea that it's supposed to sound academic because it says to make sure you use proper APA formatting for your references and sources (though others I know that are applying said they didn't take it that way). . But it kind of feels too much like a paper and less like an SOP, especially the first 2 paragraphs in this except as compared with the latter two. I'm only including the sections that I need help with and not the entire essay, so keep in mind this isn't the way the SOP starts or ends; this is in the middle. This is also a totally different SOP than the other one I posted, but some paragraphs are the same.

Please thoroughly discuss a current social issue that is relevant to social work practice and fostered or confirmed your interest in the social work profession. You also may mention additional reasons for deciding to pursue graduate social work study at this time. Then, please discuss your career interests and/or objectives and how you plan to take advantage of the resources at Fordham University's Graduate School of Social Service to support you in your goals

Mental health stigma deprives people of valid and deserved opportunities in many aspects of life. Losing opportunities in the workplace, relationships, healthcare and housing all affect the ability to achieve a full life. As a society, we have dedicated time and research to discover the best methods to treat and support people with mental illness, and now it is time to devote the same energy and commitment to combat mental health stigma. Awareness and understanding of what causes mental illnesses like depression are a great start. Unfortunately, the effects mental illnesses have on people in society are often overlooked. Mental health stigma happens because society views mental health illnesses as shameful, abnormal and even dangerous, which leads to classifying people suffering from mental disorders as unwanted and offensive. According to Serani (2011), "stigmatizing beliefs cause a person living with depression to have a diminished sense of self, feel socially disconnected from others, and, as such, have fewer support systems." This leads to a fear of stigma so strong that people with mental illness do not receive the help they truly need.

There isn't one type of stigma; rather, there are multiple types of stigma that are defined by interactions with society. According to Corrigan, Roe, and Tsang (2011), "public stigma is the harmful effect that occurs when the general population endorses prejudice and subsequently discriminates against people with mental illness" (p. 14). Public stigma uses false information to perpetuate society's fear of mental illness. When public stigma is internalized, a negative self-identity is formed. Self-stigma uses the attitudes of society to create feelings of blame, shame, and negative self-beliefs about capabilities or worthiness. Being labeled as a person with a mental illness creates another type of stigma. Instead of being seen as a person who also has a mental health disorder, society sees the disorder as the only important defining factor. As Serani (2011) explains, "the language of a diagnosis can make having a mental illness stigmatizing."

Through my experience both in and out of the classroom, I've observed that society acknowledges mental health in a way that accepts its importance but dismisses its relevance. The lack of knowledge or visual proof creates the illusion that mental health is not legitimate, yet stigma also creates identities for those suffering. Society is quick to judge people with mental disorders, yet we still dance around the subject as if it is something toxic. The harder it becomes for us as a society to talk about it, the harder it is for those who are suffering to get help. The stereotypes that that are built do nothing but confine the mentally ill and make it harder for them to speak up about their disorders. I hope, however, that as a community of social workers we can transform the perception of mental illness from stigma into acceptance.

As someone who suffers from depression and anxiety, this topic is very important to me. Though I suffered from depression from a young age, it wasn't until adulthood where I felt safe and comfortable enough to speak up about my disorder and seek help. I had no awareness of depression or mental health stigma, but even then I knew that speaking about it was shameful. I suffered in many ways due to a lack of awareness and a support system. Even now, I do not share with my friends and family, for fear of being judged, that I see both a therapist and a psychiatrist. I even feared including in this essay as I believed it might be seen as a reason to reject my application. I may suffer from depression and anxiety, but this does not mean that I am any less prepared to succeed in graduate school. I am able to fully focus on my studies and use my experience and education to become a clinical social worker. I have been doing the cognitive work on myself and I feel confident that now I am ready to persevere through both the challenges and opportunities graduate school will bring. My mental disorders may reflect my passions in this field, but they do not reflect my abilities.

Thanks so much in advance for your help!
Hiddengrace   
Jan 30, 2016
Undergraduate / "From Childhood" - Statement of Purpose - SCAD (BFA in Animation) [3]

@Vangiespen- on point as always!

What you have is good, I think, but I don't think it will help your application and project an image of you as a qualified candidate of the program.

Here are some additional things you can discuss:
Your purpose and objectives in undertaking this program. You kind of discuss this in the last paragraph but you can add more detail and greatly improve it.

Your special interests, plans, and goals for the future. What plans and goals set you apart from the average applicant?
Your strengths in the field.
Experiences you've had that have confirmed your interest in animation- whether personal, a job or volunteer experience, internships, etc...
Hiddengrace   
Jan 26, 2016
Letters / Reinstatement Appeal into the College of Letters & Science at University of California [3]

Needless is to say, from dealing with court, [...] prevails and ashamed that I am just now manning in life.

During this time, I was working to resolve these issues by going to court and meeting with Suzanne Perkin to revoke my sanction. At this time I was homeless, couch surfing from home to home, and sleeping in the library. My relationship with my father became strained at this time as well, and I was also working hard to find a job while facing these charges. It was incredibly hard for me to focus on anything other than my court situation. All of these things were largely detrimental to my education and largely reduced my study time. It was not until March where I was able to stand up and attempt to regain control of my life. I relieved my lawyer in court and requested an extension from the judge until I could find a public defender who could resolve my case more efficiently and defend me properly. Doing this helped to resolve these issues because the court results ended in a more positive way, to my satisfaction. I am able to stand up for my actions, and I'm aware that I attempted to resolve the situation in the wrong way at that time. Now I know that I am stronger than ever, though I am ashamed it has taken me this long to feel this way.

I would also add something at the end saying something along the lines of how now that the court case has been resolved and is over, you feel more prepared to succeed in school. I would also say if you were able to get a job or find a place to live, as those were also large factors that you mentioned as to why your grades were low (and understandably so!). This way not only is court over, but you can also talk more about what else you have done to make sure you succeed.

As far as your last essay is concerned, I don't think you need to talk about your love for the school. It's not necessary. I think if you want to keep that, clean it up and limit it to 2 sentences about why you want to be at UCSB. The majority of that paragraph should answer the question, and the question doesn't ask you why you love the school. I would answer the question as completely as possible and if it's short, it's short. You don't need to add any extra info. You can also discuss how you want to manage a better lifestyle and what steps you've taken to do so in the previous question as it fits much better there.

I truly love UCSB; since being here I have seen [...] do whatever it takes to get my degree at university level.

I want to know what it feels like to overcome these incidents and graduate from UCSB. If reinstated, I will put the necessary time and effort into my Global Studies coursework. I am currently maintaining a better lifestyle that will make it easier for me to be successful. I previously met with my advisor in the winter of 2014; however at that time we only discussed the fact that I would not be able to graduate and that I would have to finish my coursework in the summer. I plan to meet with my advisor say when you will meet them to discuss reinstatement and getting my coursework back on schedule. I don't believe that I am a bad student; I was bad at coping with the issues I faced at the time and did not know if I was handling them properly. I have grown tremendously from this experience. I hope to have the opportunity to prove that I am prepared to succeed and obtain my degree from UCSB.
Hiddengrace   
Jan 26, 2016
Letters / Reinstatement Appeal into the College of Letters & Science at University of California [3]

I was just re working your essay and your previous post disappeared!

Hi Dameon. I'll give your essay another look and help you clean it up and make it all around more professional.

I am writing to appeal for reinstatement into the College of Letters ...

Not sure if this is necessary. I think they probably already know you are applying for reinstatement for the university and college.

I knowledge that my grades [...] but please let me explain.

I wouldn't acknowledge that your grades weren't the best to begin with. It seems like you're saying that you know you're not a great student and I don't think that helps your case in any way unless you can explain why that was and how you've improved (from before the dismissal). You also don't need to ask permission to explain what happened. That's the point of this essay.

I acknowledge that my grades plummeted downhill in my last quarter at UCSB. I had an extremely difficult time returning to school in the fall of 2014 and because of this my grades suffered. I was dealing with extreme and unusual circumstances at the time. I understand that I am solely responsible for my grades, and don't blame anyone but myself for my poor classroom performance.

The string of unfortunate events goes as such [...] harder on me when it came down to court.

Were you attacked in this incident? If so, I would say so. It's still pretty vague as to what happened, but from what you've written it seems like 3 people picked a fight against you on your property. If it was you who started the fight, I wouldn't mention it, but if it was them I would include it as you were attacked. I also wouldn't include the race thing. You can simply say that you felt discriminated against and you get the same point across.

In September of 2014, a series of traumatic events began. I was involved in a fight off campus that became a life-threatening situation when I was attacked by 3 other people on my property. Following this incident, I was mandated to court to deal with this situation; however, after injuring a lawyer's son in the incident, I was charged with a felony. I felt that the odds were against me in court. I was discriminated against, and what took place both during and after the incident was unjust. I was forced to fight for my freedom and I was held in jail for a month.

Not only did I start back school totally unprepared, [...] during this quarter that I just couldn't cope with it.

When I started school again, I was unprepared, fatigued, and in utter shock. I was sanctioned by UCSB's Office of Judicial Affairs. In early October, I attempted to obtain my class schedule from my gold account, and I was denied access. I wasn't able to access my schedule (say for how long you were blocked from your schedule) for x weeks/ months. During this time I met with Suzanne Perkin (According to a web search, her last name is Perkin- not Perkins or Perki. ) (the assistant director in the Office of Judicial Affairs) multiple times to discuss unlocking my schedule and my sanction. I met with her from October until the end of January to resolve this issue. Eventually, my sanction was resolved and I received disciplinary probation. At this time I was still trying to overcome my situation with the court, as well as dealing with extreme stress that I had a hard time coping.

Other things that made it pretty difficult [...] find another job, while all in the start up of school.

This was not the only situation that made it extremely difficult for me that fall quarter. After being released from jail, I was told that I couldn't return to Isla Vista until court had been adjourned. My boss at that time also let me go from my on-campus Community Service Organization job, where I had been working for three and a half years prior to this incident. I was forced to find new residency at this time as well (after not being allowed to stay at my off-campus residence) and I had no means of transportation to and from campus besides the bus. Because of this, I was homeless at that time and struggled to find a place to sleep each night, such as the library and friend's houses. I was managing all of this at the same time, along with not being allowed in the area where I previously lived. Every day became a struggle.
Hiddengrace   
Jan 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / The press should report the residents life who have some inspired story, not some celebrities rumors [5]

Hi Riska! I think you did a good job making your argument but some of your word choices seem very awkward to me. I've given it a rewrite to try and clean it up, and have it convey the same thing but sound more professional and fluent.

These days there are too much news ...

These days, there are too many news stories about celebrities, their daily lives and their confrontations with others. However, many people believe that the news should be about ordinary citizens with inspiring stories. I strongly agree that the press should report motivating stories of everyday citizens, rather than celebrity gossip.

There is a clear reason why media always present ...

I see a clear reason why the media always presents news stories and gossip about celebrities; it is because these kinds of stories are entertaining to the public. Every celebrity has numerous fans who care about this information and consider a celebrities favorite things, schedule, and newest appearances of the utmost importance. The companies who provide this news care most about ratings and having high rankings, and these types of news stories (while not really "news") attract the most viewers and readers.

On the other hand, I immensely agree [...] to present the beneficial information.

While I understand why media companies provide this type of news, I strongly believe that audiences should be given more valuable stories. News stories about ordinary citizens who overcome obstacles or inspire others to better their lives should more predominant in our news today. Consumers of the media will benefit by being motivated to create a brighter life for themselves. For example, if an audience sees a story about an ordinary man who started his own business at a young age, it might inspire others to achieve their dreams as well. Therefore, it is more important to present information and news stories that will motivate and inspire others.

In conclusion, even though the [...] not consume celebrities scandals.

Even though news stories about singers, actors, or footballers makes for an entertaining story and achieves high ratings, these are not the types of stories we should be viewing. To me, it is more important to learn about how ordinary people achieve their goals because these types of stories can inspire others to reach for their dreams and live a better life.
Hiddengrace   
Jan 24, 2016
Writing Feedback / A good neighbor must be respectful and thoughtful - TOEFL independent essay [2]

i]I'm not sure if the second one is a good example. I can think of some other ways to be a respectful neighbor, such as letting your neighbors know in advance when you are having a party, making sure you train your pets not to go o the bathroom on their lawn (or picking up after them if they do), parking considerately by not blocking a driveway, being aware of shared walls if you live in an apartment, being sure to calmly negotiate any shared responsibilities, etc... I think you can definitely elaborate on what it means to be a respectful neighbor.[/i]

For example, I remember one of my neighbors who was ,an old man who always watered the plants of his front garden each morning and greeted everyone with a smile. .

One day everyone noticed he was not outside as usual, which was concerning . When they went to ask about him, they found out that he was sick.

I think you can add more here about why you think that was an example to being respectful. It's thoughtful to check up on a neighbor when you always see them and suddenly you don't, but I'm not sure how that fits into the paragraph about respect.

Additionally, a good neighbor mustshould be thoughtful. He cares about his neighbors and ready to help them in the times of need. He also has a sense of responsibility; whenever one of his neighbors has a trouble he rushes to give him a helping hand. Besides that, he remembers his neighbors in the special occasions and celebrations. For instance, the lady who lives next door likes cooking and always sends us dishes and cakes, especially in the religious occasions.

I think you need to rework this paragraph a bit. It sounds like you are saying that is what people in general should do, rather than things a thoughtful neighbor does.

To sum up, a neighbor is not less important than the house. With respectful and thoughtful neighbors, anyone can live in peace and harmony in his neighborhood.

Your closing paragraph is weak. I think you need to sum up your points again and create a stronger conclusion.
Hiddengrace   
Jan 24, 2016
Essays / Question about SOP instructions: "pursuing graduate study at this time" [2]

I know it's silly, and I'm also not sure if this is in the right place.

I've come across this a few times in my grad school apps and I'm just not sure what it's asking. Is it absolutely necessary to differentiate between why I'm pursuing graduate studies and why I'm pursuing it at this specific time (now)? The instructions say that I "may mention additional reasons for deciding to pursue graduate study at this time," and I'd like to do that since there are only 2 other things they ask to discuss. I mean, the real answer is that I want to go into the profession but never had the drive and dedication to do it before due to health and mental health issues (and general laziness/ procrastination)- but I want to stay away from saying that as I feel like it might be a reason to reject me.

I kind of feel like this is my last chance/ opportunity to apply and go to grad school. Is it okay to say that in some way?

Thanks in advance for responding. Please feel free to move this to the appropriate category if needed.

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