Scholarship / Worked at 4 different countries, 7+ years of experience in the supply chain field; Chevening scholar [3]

Hi Mohamed, let me give you some more focused advice for the improvement of your essay aside from the advice that I gave Amanda that she took the liberty of sharing with you here. There are actually more specifics that need to be addressed with your essay aside from the focus that she mentioned to you.

Your essay provides a general sense of your academic and professional background. However, there was a failure on your part to connect those with your desire to attend these specific 3 courses. That is where the difficulty of revising your essay lies. While you know what university you want to attend and what specific masters degree course you wish to pursue, you need to know or decide upon how you will be presenting those choices in the essay. Will you present the courses and universities in priority form? Or will you just present them in no particular order because you have not decided upon certain specifics relating to your work experience that can tell you which schools you have more of a potential to be accepted in?

That means, you will need to conduct intricate research into the course curriculum of each university, discuss the relevant classes that you will be taking in relation to your previous academic and work experience, and then connect it with your future goals. Whatever you do, do not just offer a description of the course as you understood it from the website or brochure. That is useless information. What you have to do is connect the essay with a personal goal on your part.

It is this personal goal that will resonate with the scholarship reviewer and show him/her how focused and determined you are to complete the masters course. So don't discuss the study plan in such a simple manner. Don't provide an overview of your academic and professional experience either. Each experience or academic course needs to directly connect with your future study plans otherwise, you will not be able to provide the kind of information the reviewer requires. If that happens, then your application will fall short of the prompt requirements and be ill effective in influencing your application.

Undergraduate / Why do I want pursue a career in nursing? 'They are nice and give lollipops.' [2]

Yasmin, I think we need to consider a different direction for your essay. At this point, the factors that you mention as being your inspiration for being a nurse, specifically your experience with caring for your grandmother and the changing of diapers that you witnessed at the place where you volunteer, those are not inspirations for nursing. I say that because the actions that you speak of are more in line with someone who ambitions to be a caregiver instead.

Caregiving does carry some similarities with the duties of a nurse so we need to clarify or redirect the reasons you want to be a nurse. Make sure there is no confusion between the two professions as there is a difference between the two. The nurse works directly with the doctors and administers medication.A nurse keeps track of vital medical information of a patient and adjusts the medical care in cooperation with the doctor whenever necessary. They do not change diapers. Caregivers assist the nurses, change diapers, help administer medication, and listen to the stories that the elderly have to tell. I can understand why you might have confused the two during your stint at the hospital because the caregivers also assist the nurses. However, they are more in tune with the spiritual and social needs of the patient, as your interests also show.

Don't interchange the job descriptions of the two. That often happens because of some similarities in the job. description, most of which are reflected in your essay. The biggest difference is that the nurse works hand in hand with the doctor in the treatment of a patient. From the recording of patient vital signs, observations of patient progress, reporting of vital information to the doctor, talking to patient's relatives, and putting the doctors orders into action, all of these fall under the duties of a nurse. A caregiver, does everything else that you describe above.

That said, I believe you should conduct more research regarding the actual duties and responsibilities of a nurse and adjust the content and direction of your current essay accordingly.

Undergraduate / VEX Robotics tournament - I gained better programming and design skills, engineering interest [2]

The essay can use a little clarification in terms of content and there are some references that can be removed. These adjustments will bring down the word count and also tighten the message of the essay. I know that the word count says it has a 150 maximum count but you do not really have to use the total word count. The reviewer just wants you deliver a focused and well developed short answer. Even if it is shorter than 150 words. I'll revise your statement to show you an example of how to edit it to become more prompt compliant.

My team's first ever VEX Robotics tournament consisted of ogling at the complicated robots that many teams had built, wondering why we didn't have NASA sponsoring us and ranking in the bottom 10 teams I WONDERED IF NASA WAS NOT SPONSORING US BECAUSE OUR TEAM WAS IN THE BOTTOM 10. . Four years later, as I look back upon our robotics career, I realize that we have grown immensely. While my team did not have the expensive materials that other teams had, we were able to learn from our mistakes IMPROVE every year and were soon able to reach the stage where we could compete against these teams in the finals of the tournaments TOURNAMENT FINALS. While robotics may not be the extracurricular that I succeeded the most in (violin) , it has helped me better my programming skills, taught me valuable AND design skills and sparked , SPARKING an interest in an engineering career. I am proud of how much my team and I have learned and improved since that very first tournament.

As you can see, the removal of certain content and revision of certain sentences made the essay more focused and interesting for the reviewer to read. That is the aim of all short statement responses and that is what you are expected to deliver. You an either adjust the response using my samples or use my samples to modify your essay. Either way, I hope that what I showed you can help you improve your work :-)

Scholarship / "The Period Company" CAREER and returning home PLANNING [3]

I really admire the work you want to do in your home country regarding women's issues Farzana. These are very noble undertakings that I am sure will have a long term positive effect on the lives of women in your country. The career plans that you have are very well threshed out so we just need to make a few adjustments regarding the time frame and content. The scholarship reviewer normally wants to see how driven you are to succeed by your use of specific numbers to signify the amount of time / years that you plan on doing things until you reach the ultimate goal. So normally, you give the ultimate goal statement at the beginning, then go back to your short term goal and discuss the progression of the career from there.

For example, how long to do you think it will take you to expand the Period Company to the point where you will be finally satisfied with the work that the company is doing? Let's call this your ultimate career goal covering a period of 20 years. This should be the embodiment of all of the training and knowledge that you will gather over the years. So save the long paragraph discussion related to the company for the very last part.

In the meantime, try to develop your immediate short range discussion covering a period of 5 -7 years.You can decide best which part of the essay fits this time frame. Just adjust the content to display the specific number of years for each project that you will be implementing. From what I have read, your first implementation should be enough to cover that time frame.

The 7-10 year plan should be indicated to cover the changes in female health and hygiene facilities. Since this requires research and a socio-political initiative, it just might take you that long to implement such a project. Call this a part of your mid range plans in the essay. Remember, we are looking at a 20 year plan for your career.

Your 20 year plan should cover the last paragraph of the essay. Explain that after 20 years, you hope to have the Period Company become a self-sustaining international NGO with affiliates worldwide. Modify the contents of your final paragraph to help support this idea. When presented this way, your career plans upon returning home will certainly be an impressive plan of action.

Undergraduate / 'interact with people from different walks of life' - Terps bring differences to a community; essay [2]

Martina, one of the paragraphs that I think you can add to the beginning of this essay will be an example of how you interacted with your immediate community as a diverse individual. As a Haitian, you are immediately part of a diverse community. So think about how you were treated by your friends and neighbors as they represent the other parts of a melting pot group of people. How did you view and treat them as well? Then you can transition that ending with a sentence similar to,

"It was easy for me to treat them that way, after all, I was confident of who I was in terms of my heritage. Little did I know that what I knew and was so confident of about myself at that point was about to change all because my mother felt a need to get to know more about our family history."

That will then immediately be followed by your current opening statement. Please note the following highly important transition sentence in that paragraph:

I always thought that I was Marlina the Haitian, not Marlina the Haitian, Puerto Rican, and French.

This is what you should concentrate on in your third paragraph. Don't bother telling the reviewer who belonged to what heritage in your family. That is of no interest to him. Instead, you should reveal how learning about your mixed heritage changed your outlook in life. Don't define diversity based upon the textbook / dictionary definition. Give him the meaning of diversity as you have come to understand it yourself through the discovery of your family background. From being confident that you were 100 % Haitian, was that confidence shaken when you learned you had other blood mixes running through your veins? Would you consider the discovery something that affected you positively or negatively? Such a discussion will create a more fluid transition to your interest and work in Bridges which is the next paragraph of your essay.

You can then close the essay by choosing a particular organization at the university where you can help other people discover what makes them diverse and help them embrace that diversity. Maybe explain that if such a club does not exist, you would be happy to start one up since you already have experience with looking into a person's family tree. Or something along those lines. It should be a separate stand alone paragraph. That way you get to write the 2 additional paragraphs that you are looking to add to the response.

Undergraduate / Full Sail Ahead - venturing into auspicious tomorrows. Personal essay on interest. [4]

Annie, what I get from your essay is that you are trying to explain how you are an amalgam of all the places that you spent time growing up in. You are the embodiment of the differences and similarities that may exist between these warring cultures. Therefore, you are neither totally one or the other in terms of identifying yourself as a part of a single culture. I get all of that. What I don't get, is why you titled this essay "Full Sail Ahead" when there is no reference to sailing or boats in the essay. Unless I am missing something here? Since you had to fly home to China, I would have expected the essay title to reflect something along those lines. The sea of uncertainty reference doesn't seem to make much sense in the essay. You seem to be quite sure of who you are and have a unique way of presenting yourself to the reader.

My opinion is that you have provided enough information about how Chinese you are in the essay using more effective examples other than the yo-yo thing. That activity seems like overkill already and can be skipped in the final version of the essay. I realize that this is your idea of embracing a culture through a descriptive activity but in truth, you don't need to do that. The essay already contains enough information about that particular aspect of your character.

In place of that paragraph, perhaps you can instead portray something about the confusion that you had growing up and how you tried to bring yourself to come to terms when it came to you highly mixed and interesting heritage. Actually, I feel like the essay is a bit too long because of the repetitive information in it. Perhaps you would like to consider editing the essay for content, keeping only the most relevant and informative data that you are sure will catch the reviewer's eye during the screening process.

Undergraduate / "And is in our DNA" - I am applying Weinberg College of Arts and Sciences; Northwestern as my home [5]

Beryl, just a few grammar corrections to go and the essay will be all set for you to use. Let me post the revisions below:

While exploring Northwestern I was captivated by its clever yet meaningful motto, "And is in our DNA". As an aspiring young scholar, my focus has never lingered on one path, and accordingly, I see Northwestern as my home. What makes Northwestern appealing to me

sitting in on a seminar led by professor Gary Galbreath and , listening in on his evolutionary use of genetics to study animal migration, . and a A few hours later I'LL receive my dose of economics from visiting notable lecturers, such as Nobel prize winning economist Jean Tirole.

In addition, NU's top research facilities will serve as a THE catalyst to focus my interest in Cell Biology,

Another quality that made Northwestern all the more seducing SEDUCTIVE TO ME ARE was its efforts in building TO BUILD a richer community through its Diversity and Inclusion programs.

I found this as a great opportunity to be immersed in a community where members are challenged to engage EMBRACE differences as strengths in order to improve campus culture.

These programs would also serve as a great way FOR ME to share my experience as an African immigrant while exploring the viewpoints and issues of peoples with both similar and different backgrounds.

Undergraduate / Problem I have solved--fighting my own demon. Essay on how I dealt with an obstacle in my life. [7]

Grace, I think that we can use those sentences to enhance the first paragraph. If you will allow me, I will show you an example of how we can do that. Use it as a template for your own version or use the one I created, I won't mind :-)

Here is how I would write your opening paragraph:

Each night, I longed to retire to a past in my childhood when my life was perfect. My parents would read me a bedtime story then tuck me into bed with assurances of how much they loved me. Instead, I retired to this pitch black bedroom every night wondering what I could have done to save their marriage. Maybe if I were a more behaved child they would not have fought so much because they would be busy taking care of me. Maybe it was my fault they divorced. Maybe they regretted having me for a child, that is why they always argued. Maybe they did not love me. Maybe... I should keep blaming myself for what happened.

Do you see how I combined the thoughts into a new sentence that delivered a clearer thought from your 3 year old self? That is the way that you should edit a paragraph when you want to add information that does not seem to fit at the beginning, middle, or the end of the paragraph. You have to revise the whole thing and make it work with the new and old sentiments. I hope my suggestion helps :-)

Undergraduate / Problem I have solved--fighting my own demon. Essay on how I dealt with an obstacle in my life. [7]

Grace, the key to shortening your essay lies in rethinking how to present the information in your paragraphs. Think of how you can say the same thing in a shorter sentence. That is how you practice bringing down your word count. Let me show a sample of how to do that with this essay:

I slept alone in a pitch-black bedroom every night. I dreamt of my mother sitting by my bed and telling me the story of "Guess How Much I Love You". I dreamt of my parents kissing my forehead and telling me how much they loved me before I closed my eyes. I dreamt of my parents holding my hands and telling me how much they love me. But dreams are only dreams. Each morning, reality slapped me in the face.

- Make sure that the essence of the paragraph remains even after you reword it.

I would hide underneath my blanket crying, to not let anyone worry about me. Immature and stubborn , I could not accept that my parents were divorced. I was jealous of children happily holding their parent's hands. I kno Ew that no matter whom my father married,

If I behave better, my parent will have more time to spend with each other; they will not argue over taking care of me during weekends. I often wonder do they regret to give birth to me?

- This last sentence belongs in the first paragraph. Placed at the end of the paragraph, it will immediately establish the sense of blame that the 3 year old placed on herself. Since your parents are already divorced, the statement makes no sense in this paragraph.

My life was a tragedy until the day after ONE DAY, I had a huge fight with my father.
I called my mom and begged HER to explain my life to me. I asked TOLD her; "I feel I am a thorn between two families.

HerS voice was the voice of reason that I sought and the source of love that I felt was missing from my life.
After HE received the letter, my father never judged my mother again
but I suddenly felt THAT I belonged in both families.

Life changes. However, my parent's caring and love lasts DOESN'T. I don't need to worry about being abandoned.
my parents don't love each other anymore that SO they decided to divorceD.
I need to forgive myself and understand that it's not my fault that

Do let me know if the deletions and adjustments I made in your essay was enough to bring down the word count to the correct level. If not, let me know and I'll look it over for more edits. Or maybe you will want to try do to it yourself? Whatever you decide, I'm here to lend an assist :-)

Graduate / 1) why do you want to study further? 2) why the university? 3) why should we select you? - M. letter [10]

I have chosen this university because of the world's best partnership projects, its industrial relations, access to energetic student life with state-of-the-art facilities and prestigious academic environment.

- That is nice to know, but why did you choose to attend that university? What are your personal reasons for your choice? Explain how you plan to utilize specific university classes, research grants, or programs that can help you advance your career goal. In all the versions of this essay, that is the one missing component that was never addressed.

my experienceS include energy management

As a team leader...
- This should be occupying a separate paragraph as you are talking about a different topic in this sentence. One topic per paragraph, with the topic sentence always at the beginning of the paragraph discussion.

Masters at KTH will make me gain expertise and create international networks which will construct a strong career in research for energy crisis
- Be more specific when you include this line in your first paragraph. Talk about the interesting aspects of the academic curriculum that will allow you to gain an international network and expertise. Don't just mention it. Always expand upon such discussions.

Undergraduate / Problem I have solved--fighting my own demon. Essay on how I dealt with an obstacle in my life. [7]

Grace, the moving emotions in your essay ends up being affected by the way you use the wrong words to describe certain situations. This is a fault that you repeat many times in this essay, causing confusion for the reader and making him or her wonder as to what you are really trying to say. It is not good for your essay if the reader has to read the wrong description, stop to think about what you have just said, then have to apply to corrections to your mistakes. That does not only show a badly written essay, it also shows that you are incapable of properly expressing yourself in the English language. I believe that is the last thing that you want to do so let me help you fix the existing mistakes in your essay.

My parents remarried DIVORCED when I was three.
- Remarried means your parents reconciled and got married to each other again. Since you talk of step parents in the next sentence, you meant to say they divorced when you were 3.

their parents' 'S hands

I know that no matter whom my stepmother FATHER married
- You are no longer related to your stepmother if she marries someone who is not your father. So you mean that whoever your father marries.

Anda After exhausting myself on all those tedious chores, I finally started studying at 11 AT NIGHT, despite having to wake up at 5 IN THE MORNING. Throwing up at night with tears streaming down my face became a daily routine. I lived like a prisoner, blaming myself for my parents' 'S divorce.

-Can you explain a bit about why you felt like you were to blame for their divorce? The reader needs to know the source of your pain and analogy of the situation.

I hated IT when my father talked about my mother

I called my mom and asked BEGGED TO EXPLAIN MY LIFE TO ME. I ASKED her; "I am always the one left out.

"Go to bed right now." Her words instilled a sense of calmness, bringing peace to my turbulent life. HER VOICE WAS THE VOICE OF REASON THAT I SOUGHT AND THE SOURCE OF LOVE THAT I FELT WAS MISSING FROM MY LIFE.

The next day, I saw an email MY MOTHER WROTE, directed to my father

provide my daughter WITH a happy life
- Resolve this issue at this point. Did you go live with your mother? Did your father treat your differently after he read the email? How did the email affect your life and relationship with him?

my parents' 'S caring and love lasts.

it's not my fault to THAT I live in a divorced family.

Creating a study group and catching up with school works, I found my own social circle. At first, we were only students who wanted to study and discuss. Upon talking to them, I found my true passion in art and design. After couple years of changing, I am not putting on the facade of a daughter anymore. My childhood was special. I was forced to face reality while others were hugging teddy bears. Experiencing this debilitating event early in my childhood, I realized that throwing pity parties could not change anything; everyone has to face their demons. Stepping out from my comfort zone, I, an independent girl, have taken control my own life.

- At this point, you don't need to suddenly try to connect your story with your chosen major. It does not fit in the narrative so drop it. Keep the narrative personal until the conclusion. Just stick to everything that relates to the story you already told and the essay will be fine :-)

Scholarship / I will learn from the best and use those skills to influence my country - Chevening essay [2]

Sarah, this is definitely not an essay that you should even consider submitting to the Chevening committee. The formatting is horrible (refer to the problem you have with using capital letters), the overall language used is more in terms of undergraduate rather than masters level writing, and the content, is best used for common app college application essays. In other words, and I am really hurt to have to say this but, your essay is a total mess that needs a lot of work before it can even become a proper draft for a Chevening application. Please don't be mad, you need to hear the truth so that I can help you fix the essay :-)

First of all, you need to realize that a leadership essay is always at its most effective when the applicant can portray real world applications for his leadership. That means, you need to have been in full charge of the situation, of which the results had some real time application either in your workplace or in a relevant socio-civic undertaking on your part. The example of leadership that you presented is really far too academic in nature and does not allow you to present yourself as a community or workplace leader whose influence helped to improve a situation.

Second, your work as a secretary is really irrelevant in this instance. Specially since you only offered a summary of your job description, which did not include any potential for leadership and influence on your part. So that information only weakened the content of your essay.

Finally, please try to remember that you are writing an academic paper and making it sound like you are just answering a Tweet or updating your Facebook status gives a very bad impression of you to the reviewer. Try your best to use an academic tone and deliver relevant information in the essay. Concentrate on work related leadership and influence whenever you can or use proper extra curricular activities that relate to the two as examples of your leadership skills.

So in answer to your question, no, the essay is not clear and yes, there are numerous grammar errors that need to be dealt with. However, the grammar problems can wait to be corrected because the first thing you need to accomplish is clarifying the important leadership and influence skills you have in the statement.

Graduate / Ryerson will give me the opportunity to show up in Bangladesh. SOP for Master of Communication [2]

Mahmud, a word of advice regarding mentioning the university you are submitting this SOP to, don't do that. Don't mention any university names in your statement of purpose so that you can use the same purpose statement, with a little revisions to avoid self-plagiarism, when you apply for admission to other universities. That mere act will cut your essay writing time by more than half in the future. I would really consider it helpful towards your application if you remove all references to Ryerson in your essay. It will do your application well :-)

Now, I'll be correcting your paragraphs and offering comments on various parts of your essay below. It should help make the essay shorter and more focused with a clearer meaning for the reviewer to read.

If one were to ask me that time what are my feelings ARE towardS my job,

At the very out ONset,

I had difficult time to understandING the complex media industry of Bangladesh and to communicate COMMUNICATING that complexity with my clients among which WHOM most of them were giant multinationals of the world.

Therefore THAT IS WHY I realized THAT I need a masterS DEGREE IN of professional communication at Ryerson University which can help me to take my career where I want to see myself in nearest future.

I came from a family that ...
... and understanding different cultures of the world.
-You are not writing a personal statement nor a background college essay. Personal information like the one above does not have any direct connection with your purpose for higher study and should therefore, not be mentioned in a statement of purpose essay.

During my undergraduate studies over last ...
... event like Ad Maker and Battle of Mind.
- The most important aspect of your education in relation to your purpose was already excellently established in the first paragraph. This information is already superfluous in nature.

I had two undergraduate courses named" Advertising" and "Business Communication" which are related to my job helped me a lot.
- Do not dwell so much on your undergraduate studies. The most important factor in your experience now is proving that you have the professional , not academic background to qualify as a masters student. Prove the importance of the masters degree in your current and future profession. That should be part of the focus of your essay.

I certainly belie[sf]/s]ve its interdisciplinary perspective can make me an expert and principled communication practitioners IN THE FUTURE.

I hope Ryerson will give me the opportunity to become a resource in Communication sector and if I get the opportunity to study at Ryerson when I will come back in Bangladesh after achieving my communication degree I am confident I can be more valuable resources which is my long term goal.

- The prior sentence is the best point at which to end your statement. It is a very strong commitment to make to your future and your profession. Don't mix Ryerson up in this. As I previously said, keeping the university name unknown can only help your essay.

At this point, I want you to further review your essay after applying the corrections I suggested. Look for other parts that can be deleted without affecting the purpose of the essay. You need to bring your word count down and make the essay more engaging and interesting in order to keep the reviewer interested in what you have to say. Right now, the essay is too wordy for comfort.

Undergraduate / "And is in our DNA" - I am applying Weinberg College of Arts and Sciences; Northwestern as my home [5]

Beryl, please bear with me as I point out some adjustments with explanations, as well as comments meant to help improve the content of your essay :-)

and a few hours later receive my dose of economics from visiting notable lecturers, such as Nobel prize winning economist Jean Tirole, competing for the Erwin Plein Nemmers prize in Econ.

- You just need to mention the most recent accolade of the professor. Save your word count for more important additions. There is no need to mention the next competition or recognition the economist is up for.

NU will satisfy my thirst for experience through its numerous research and internship opportunities
- At this point, it would be interesting for you to point out a field of research that you have in mind. Describe how you can utilize the university facilities to help advance or at least lay out the solid foundation for your research. It will tie in well with the other sentences in the paragraph.

The overall content of the essay does not want in terms of prompt adherence. Your response is quite interesting and proves to the reviewer that you did your homework with regards to the background of the university. There is no generic feel to your response which will translate into an image of you having a rich understanding of what Northwestern is all about.

Scholarship / ESSAY - The universities I selected are intrinsically connected to my past experiences [4]

Mayara, the format of your essay is really very good. It is clear and offers you enough space to develop the thought process and line of reasoning that you wish to present regarding each university. Your writing has shown great improvement since you first started posting at this forum. However, there are still some spots in your essays that can be improved upon in order to strengthen the course choices.

One of the main problems that your work faces is that the information it contains sounds more like it came from the results of your research of the university instead of personal reflection. I would advice you to consider the information about the courses that you gathered from each university and then really think about how your past work and academic influences relate to it. Create a clear path of progression between the two and then write a paragraph that will reflect that. Don't just rely on the common known information that you have right now. Make sure to create a personal connection because without it, you can't really prove that you will be passionate about your course choices and devote yourself to your academic training. This problem is particularly evident in your discussion of the first university choice.

The concluding paragraph should not simple end by saying that these courses will be an asset to you upon your return to Brazil. The paragraph comes across as too short and lacking in information. Try to develop it to give an overview of how these three courses will help you develop the kind of professional character that you know will be of tremendous help not only to you, but to Brazil in the future.

Graduate / 1) why do you want to study further? 2) why the university? 3) why should we select you? - M. letter [10]

I have decided to peruse PURSUE masters program in Electrical power engineering which prioritizes on real world problems.
- Pursue would be the better term to use in this case because you have already studied and examined all of your possible chances and methods of helping to solve the power crisis in your country.

reducing transmission losses and improving grid stability for heavily populated countries by enthusiasm and hard work. SUCH AS MY HOME COUNTRY IN ORDER TO OVERCOME THE ENERGY SITUATION THAT CRIPPLES ITS ECONOMY.

Accompanied by the huge potential KTH offers my pursuit towards developing techniques will be carried with confidence.
- This is not really a necessary line. You have already implied the information in this line throughout the essay. Since this line sounds confusing to the reader, it would be best to just remove it an allow the rest of the paragraphs to explain what you mean and intend to do.

I haven't had any chance for working with national grids ,although MY experience include energy management by SCADA,

I have volunteered for Polio vaccine distribution and conducting society welfare programs as a Scout member.
- This is a totally unnecessary line. Stick to only academic and professional discussions. There is no room for extra curricular single line discussions in this case. You should instead conclude the essay with an expression of how you see the university helping you to achieve your purpose and goals for higher studies.

Undergraduate / Living place / chosen community - University of Brown Application - Supplement Writing Questions [4]

Eric, for the first prompt, just focus on the places where you have actually lived. Don't confuse the issue with the places where your parents lived before you were born. The prompt clearly asks you to discuss the places where you have spent periods of your life, if you moved around a bit when you were younger. Otherwise, just concentrate on discussing your life in Miami. It was an interesting touch to include the exact information about where you were born. Although, it borders a bit on too much information. You could have just said that you have lived in Miami since you were born 17 years ago and that you have not lived anywhere else. Then maybe include a short paragraph about growing up in Miami. It isn't necessary to discuss where your parents lived because you were not directly involved in their lives at that point.

With regards to the second prompt, perhaps you could revise the last portion that states "I know that these are the people who have bright futures and are going to do something meaningful with their lives." ? I think that you need to show a sense of community with these classmates of yours by perhaps indicating a kind of friendship or relationship that you have been able to foster with them over time. Thus creating a solid idea of the community that you belong to.

Both statements respond quite well to the prompts provided. A little bit of adjustment is all that is needed in order to further strengthen the statement.

Undergraduate / What motivates me? I love CHOCOLATES!!-- Common App prompt 1 [3]

Well Sarah, this is certainly one interesting piece of narrative parallelism. In fact, it was so good that you made me both hungry for chocolate and crave a movie to watch at the same time :-) Associating chocolate to your love for film is something that would not normally become a part of a response to this type of prompt. I am glad you thought of it. It was a refreshing take on what could have been a standard narrative answer. That said, if we can just address the grammar aspect to further polish the essay, this should be ready to use in no time :-)

the chocolate I tried to make lackED personality

first successful the short film.

Then, I addED sprinkles

FROM THEN ON, when I watchED a movie,

I made sure my skills are WERE adequate

Trying to analyze THE human psychology behind every intention,

Instead OF ENJOYING THE FLAVOR for my own indulgence

This is truly an inspired piece of writing :-)

Scholarship / I have organized a mega sport event. Will this fact help me to convince on my leadership skills? [3]

The essay that I just read is a perfect example of using an extra curricular activity as the basis of a leadership narrative. All of the elements of leadership development were represented, even if it was in a bit of a controlled environment since it happened at your school. However, the problems that you faced were real, the solutions you had to develop were applied, and you served as a guiding light or source of positive influence when the group was ready to fall apart. You definitely displayed leadership material throughout the process. That said, we now just need to polish the essay language to make it ready for submission :-)

Par. 1:
Some say L leadership is AN instinctive trait of one's personality , but s Some say leaders can be made by choice. I personally believe that leadership is A concoction of innate characteristics and influence of the enviourment ENVIRONMENT of a person in which he/she lives.

It was my dream to organize a mega sports event in AT my under graduation GRADUATE school. There was no sports committee at that time in our school extracurricular activity system AT THE TIME.

I made A realistic proposal and presented it to our school concerning authorities.
granted me the permission to organize the event upon a THE condition that

Par. 2:
Now, this was the absolute test of my assurance INFLUENCING SKILLS because few female students were found to participate INTERESTED IN PARTICIPATING in the sports activities because in our society , females are reluctant to express themselves openly. In order to achieve my task, I made FOUNDED a sports society which consistED of AN amalgam of juniors, AND seniors from my school whom I found passionate for the organization of sports eventS. It was tenacious to develop coordination, harmony and consistency among such A diverse group of peers. It was arduous DIFFICULT to make them believe in my vision and its practical implementation. In my struggling period DURING MY PERIOD OF STRUGGLE I used to interact with every single member of my team, listen to their queries, AND reservationsSO I COULD provided them with the practical solution of TO their problem. I streamlined the things and we started moving in positive direction. In order to provide every single member of my team with the opportunity to utilize all his/her efforts at best, I divided my team into two vast groups REPRESENTING THE indoor and outdoor sports society, within each group there were a lot many other small subgroups that dealt with different sports activities.

Par. 3:
It's obvious that when such diverse group of peers worked together, I WOULD faced conflicts among THE different subgroups. To address this problem, I devised a solution that is, . I used to callED A meeting thrice in a week in which WHERE we all discussed THE hurdles faced by each of us, . t That meeting brought A sense of tolerance, AND respect among the different members of group.

I was vigilantly looking OBSERVING each and every subgroup, AND HELPED TO facilitate them THEIR NEEDS.
I must quote MENTION that as the deadlines of indoor sport activities were approaching APPROACHED, there was AN overwhelming response IN THE FORM OF REGISTRATION of FROM the participants were witnessed ; we had assigned more team members for THE accomplishment of this task.

Par. 4:
We got more than 50% participation of the female students in every activity, everything went placidly PEACEFULLY, my OUR dean admired our efforts, it was the biggest achievement of that event for me and my team. The event went as gravy train. That event was Eldorado in my career as it provides THE ACTIVITY GAVE me with the opportunity to practice and refine my skills of leadership AND INFLUENCING. It taught me that if you have a clear vision and have courage THE to execute it,IF YOU have ability to organize a team that have SHARES THE same goal, IF THE LEADER CAN remain consistent, passionate, workING hard, AND CAN make your THE team believe in youR LEADERSHIP and your goal throughout your journey , you will achieve your desired goal.

Undergraduate / UF Admissions essay prompt 2015 - Why I am the Villain, not a movie hero? [2]

This is a very good analogy of the roles you were presented with Nicholas. Your reasons for opting to be a villain makes me think that maybe, the villains in movies are the true heroes of the story. After all, don't we encourage people to be different and follow their dreams until it becomes a reality? Yet society never really gives us a guideline as to how to achieve this. So why do we judge someone like the villain, whose only goal is to achieve his purpose in life? You really got me to thinking there.

However, I believe that you should have created a backstory for the script. What was the story that unfolded in it that caused you to pick the villain? Create a short synopsis of the story just to give the hero and the villain a background that will help the reviewer understand the factors that affected your decision to opt to become the villain of the story.

In the latter part of your essay, you explain that the villain will "fabricate a strategy to improve what dismal outcome we might be faced with. ". What if the dismal outcome is a fate worse than death? Would you still consider being the villain? Keep in mind that the villain often fails to achieve his goals in the movies and he meets a life altering destiny in the end. Considering the possible ending in the script, do you really think that being a villain is worth it? The reason I am asking you to ponder this question is because you are championing a cause that society frowns upon immensely. So, you have to consider the outcome of the villain's actions. Is it imprisonment? Is it death? Do you think that the punishment will be worth the crime committed? If so, defend it as part of your choice to play the villain.

Aside from that question that I am asking you to consider representing in the essay, I believe that once the grammar problems are addressed, this essay will be good to go :-) At this moment though, I am not opting to correct the errors, just in case you decide to revise the essay. At least you will just have to revise the essay once or twice instead of twice :-)

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Mater of Accounting [2]

Wenli, I really enjoyed reading your statement. It is really informative and covers all of the bases for your interest in accounting. However, what you wrote is not a statement of purpose. Rather, you developed a highly interesting personal statement that generally discusses your interest and goals with regards to accounting. It is really unfortunate that a reviewer will not consider this essay a personal statement. So you will need to write a totally new essay that will you to showcase the information required for an effective statement of purpose. Instead of harping on what you did wrong in the essay, let me inform you about what you did right.

To start off, you informed the reviewer about a relevant internship that you participated in. That is considered a part of "professional" work experience so discussing it in the essay was the right thing to do. However, you could have discussed it better by indicating the kind of work that you did and the lessons that you learned during these stints that helped you realize that you wanted to pursue more advanced studies in accounting. Make sure to fully develop the two paragraphs relating to the internships that you participated in.

If you have any other seminars or relevant programs that you attended or participated in recently, please make sure to draw the attention of the reviewer to the information. The statement of purpose has to build up your image as an accountant and establish that you have been actively pursuing additional training prior to your interest in a masters degree course. Just make sure that you did this as part of the advancement opportunities you sought while already working as a certified accountant.

What you have to better establish in the essay, as that is the most under developed aspect of it, will be the purpose for your interest in the advanced studies. Clarify what your career goals are. Explain how the masters program of this university relates to your goal in terms of course curriculum and other training programs the university offers in relation to your future career plans.

Another positive aspect of your essay, is that you mentioned a definite career plan in terms of long and short term goals. This helps to increase your image as a student who is ready to put in the time and effort that a masters class requires. So we just need to clean up that part a bit in order to make it more effective within the context of the essay.

Since I am suggesting major changes to your SOP, I will not correct the grammar mistakes in the essay at this point. The information is sure to change so I will not waste your time with irrelevant corrections to the essay. I look forward to reading the revised statement soon :-)

Undergraduate / 'failure to audition for drum major'. Common App - "The Major Goal" [3]

This is a very heart warming story Harrison. The fact that you learned so much from one event in your life just shows the kind of upstanding and open minded individual you have become over the years. I could really sense your pain when the invitation to audition was withdrawn so abruptly. That was really careless on the part of your marching band coach.

However, I would have liked to have read more about your reaction at this point. This is the part of the essay where you should have developed the response to how it affected you. That single line in reference to how you reacted just isn't enough. You need to take the reviewer into the turmoil. sadness, or anger that existed within you. What was your true reaction to the situation? I know that it could not have been as simple as that. Don't skim over it. Otherwise, the lessons that you learned from the experience will tend to lose its impact upon the reader. You need to make sure that you can emotionally connect with the reviewer and the only way to do that is to strengthen your reaction to the situation.

I think that you should revise the last paragraph that deals with your last 2 years with the band. Rather than using it to segue into your future college experience, take the reader with you into these final years of band practice and participation. How did you evolve as a band member after your request to audition was rejected? Did it change the band experience for you? Do you still enjoy band participation at this point? Close the essay with a reference to the growth that experience gave you as a person. Looking forward to joining the college band is not really necessary at this point. Only the lessons that you learned and your development as a person should be the focal point of the essay.

Scholarship / I hope to expand my social and professional network and meet more people in Chevening [3]

Julia, please remove all references to your joining networks on linkedIn and Facebook. Those cannot be considered actual networks because they are online based and do not have a physical presence that allows you to participate in their activities. However, if these online organizations have a physical presence that allows you to participate in their activities and thus, allows you to create a network base, then refer to the actual organization instead of the online presence. In relation to this, please remove the references to social networking. Keep in mind that the networking that you have to present as examples here have to actual and factual.

In so many words, your essay is weak in terms of foundation and topic development. Do you have any actual networking experience that can be based on actual professional activities or socio-civic involvements? All of the experience that you have mentioned are far too old to make any impact upon the reviewer. It also does not give the reviewer a clear idea of how you use networking to improve your career or duties, including your proving that you are a responsible employee who knows how to use networking for the benefit of his career advancement.

The very format of the essay is hard on the eyes. Topic paragraphs are of the utmost importance when developing any essay. Learn to practice that so that the paragraph topics of your essay will be better developed and easier to read.

Your responses to the prompt need to be improved. I do not see any usable reference to you networking skills in relation to how you hope to use it in the future in relation to your profession. The essay sounds quite amateur at this point. There is no professional sounding experience or relevant information shared with the reviewer. So your maturity as a professional comes into question.

Focus the revised essay on your professional development. How did your interaction with other people in relation to your work or socio-civic activities help you become a good professional with excellent networking skills? Try to come up with understandable and complete scenarios that will better explain how networking has become an integral part of your professional career. That is the aim of this prompt and that is the kind of response that you should deliver.

Undergraduate / 'A girl with depression, anxiety and without any self-confidence' My experience in helping others [3]

Daniel, the essay is truly reflective of the personal importance part of the prompt. However, I feel that the discussion reflecting upon the bullying that you experienced and the depression of your girlfriend were presented in an unequal balance. Most of the story centered around her story instead of combining with your own. As a reviewer, I would have wanted to see a true relationship between your being bullied and how you helped her get through her darkest night.

You need to create a paragraph that reflects exactly how you used those years of observation to help her. It can't be as simple as putting her first and always being there for her. How did you teach her to love herself? More importantly, how did you learn to love yourself first? You can't have taught her how to do that without first having experienced it yourself. Do you see what I am driving at here?

There is a need to create a parallel story here. Your bullying experience comes first, then a comparison with her depression and how you helped her deal with it should come next. By creating the side by side comparison, the importance of the situation and the steps you took to resolve it become more highlighted and emotionally connected to you. The final resolution should also mirror your final solution to your own problems in dealing with the mental abuse you experienced. Overall, you should reflect that you both learned some lessons from each other based on each others experience. When you achieve that, then the essay will already be a perfect response to the prompt.

Scholarship / My dream is my advanture - Chevening [3]

Deli, I need to point out to you that as a Chevening scholarship applicant, you will be competing with people with far more stellar and relevant leadership and influence skills than you present early in your essay. While I admire that you acknowledge your high school leadership skills, it does not prove to be highly relevant or impressive when compared to other applicants with big name company experienced backing up their leadership evidence. In my opinion, referring to high school experiences are just as useless as referring to your college education in totality when writing your statement of purpose. It refers to material that does not really help show the reviewer your current development as a leader and possible source of influence in your country in the future. So if I were you, I would not mention my high school leadership experience and instead, I would work on developing my professional and real world experiences instead.

You don't need to just focus on your employment as the source of your leadership and influence skills. You can also refer to any social or civic involvement that you have had within your local community or international organizations for this evidence. While having a decent amount of work related leadership experience will be best, the reviewer will also take your extra curricular leadership abilities into account when applicable. The high school leadership information, not so much. Remember, you have competitors who will be broadcasting far more challenging leadership and influencing abilities based upon more intricate workplace and extra-curricular activities. So you need to be able to compete with that kind of presentation.

Don't just say that you are a programmer at an IT company. The company needs a name to go with the work description. Let the reviewer know what kind of obstacles in particular came your way that forced you to assume the leadership role. What problems arose that required you to exercise some sort of influencing skills? How did the entire project turn out because of your desire to lead and influence these people towards doing a good job? There aren't any references to such in the essay. All you have in it at this point is generic information that does not help to prove your skills as a leader. Talk in vivid detail about the managerial aspect of your job because a manager, is a leader.

Your conclusion is not impressive at all. It sounds like a college application essay conclusion. It lacks the impact that a masters degree student could apply to this type of statement. You should be able to circle back to your leadership and influencing abilities in a summary form and relate it to your future career.

Scholarship / [Chevening Essays] Building networks was essential for me to get my first internship [9]

Mayara, this is a very solid essay. You covered all the bases using the proper short and long term goal prospects. Using specific year numbers to indicate your expected career path is always a touch that is viewed upon favorably by the reviewers. This tells them that you are deadly serious about your intentions for your study and that you will not only complete the course, but also follow an applicable career path in the future. There really isn't much to correct in the essay in terms of content. I have one tiny critic of your work though. You don't really need to explain to the reviewer about the career opportunities you are looking for and the reason for your post graduate studies. You already covered those in your letter of intent. Always try to avoid repeating information in order to avoid having reading redundancy set in with the reviewer. The only revisions required pertain to grammar and tense usage. Since these plans are way ahead into the future, it is best that you always use future tense references in the paragraphs that you write. Use it whenever relevant. Let me try to correct those for you below, with some clarification comments whenever necessary.

I am focusing on municipal rather than state secretaries due to the proximity of the 2018 elections for state government when I return. I believe I will have more opportunities of being part of significant projects there than in an environment that is more focused in transition. In 2 years I see myself becoming undersecretary in such municipality and then moving on to the corresponding state secretary after elections.

- Why the reference to the elections? Will you be running for a local position relevant to your masters degree studies? You need to mention such things if that is the case. How can you become an undersecretary in 2 years? Explain how this process could happen for you. That information is all part of your career path.

I see myself becoming a specialist
- What kind? Mention the career position and job responsibilities if you have an idea about it. It will help to strengthen the intentions you indicate in the paragraph.

my desire to pursue a career that allows WILL ALLOW me to work with policy making

whereas WHILE making a positive impact in Brazil.

In eight years I believe it is WILL BE time to go back to the classroom.

academic career in parallel.
- Mention Brazil specifically and explain the importance of doing this to you. What is the personal reason? All you have stated are general reasons.

Once I set my mind up to ON something

relies on the unevaluable INVALUABLE education

Undergraduate / Storytelling and Media Class - COLLEGE ESSAY [7]

Hi Sasha, take your time in revising your essay. As long as your deadline for submission is still far, you should make sure to come up with the best essay possible for the prompt. Rushing it won't do you any good. I know you are a born writer :-) So use that talent that you have to come up with the best version of the essay that you can. Expect to write about 3 or more versions of the essay. I'll be here to lend an assist whenever you need it.

As for having me review the new version of the essay, just make sure that you post the revised version in this thread so that I can get a notification about it. I can review it from here. I'm sorry but we are not allowed to communicate with you in any other form so the public postings will have to suffice. The others here can also chime in with their own suggestions that might also help improve your essay :-)

Remember, just refer to your writing days as quickly as possible, then concentrate on the multimedia aspect of your story telling. Don't waste the reviewer's time with background information. That won't really help keep him interested in your essay. Good luck! I'll be on stand by with an assist for you :-)

Undergraduate / Storytelling and Media Class - COLLEGE ESSAY [7]

Well Sasha, I can understand why you have a confusing essay at this point then :-) However, you should feel good about the fact that you have gotten over the toughest part of writing this essay. You actually have a draft to correct at this point, so revising and finalizing the essay will be much easier for you to accomplish already. Let me see if I can help you out with your problem.

So what we need to do is somehow explain to the reviewer that you are interested in a multimedia career due to your previous interest in writing. Hmm... I think we can somehow spin that with some clarity. Let me have a go at it will you? It'll just be an example for you to base your future revisions on :-) Sometimes, being too close to the prompt prevents you from thinking clearly, so another pair of eyes or another brain working on it can actually help you out. So, here is my take on the opening paragraph:

Have you ever had an idea that you just needed to get out of your head but could not find the most proper way to do so? I often found myself in that position. I had a brain brimming over with stories that needed to be shared with the world. So, it was only logical for me to pick up the pen, so to speak, and let the words flow. Words that I shared on an online platform. However, I was not immune to writer's block. So, I needed to find another avenue to help ease the creativity that occupied my brain. Yes, my writer's block was caused not by a lack of ideas, but by the fact that words were no longer sufficient to tell my story. It was having to face up to my writer's block that led me to video story telling.

From that point, you can start discussing how you learned to edit videos, maybe offer up information about being a Youtube creator or something. You will be able to properly develop the background of your interest and its manifestation in your daily life. I hope my suggestion helps uncork the mental block you have at the moment :-) Otherwise, let me know what I can do to help .

Scholarship / [Chevening Scholarship] From Zero to a Gradual Strive in Education Sector [4]

Sothearak, you mistakenly indicated your statement of purpose in this essay. The content of the essay only mentions the 3 masters degree courses that you want to study,but does not indicated where you plan to study it, and why. All you talk about in this essay is the purpose of your advanced study along with some highly informative, but totally irrelevant research information. Therefore, what you wrote is a statement of purpose and not a "3 courses" essay explanation. You cannot use this. You will have to delete it and write a more proper statement that responds to the prompt in the correct manner.

In order to develop this essay, you need to examine the list of schools, courses, and after graduation plans that you have for yourself. With regards to the choice of school, base that upon the interest that you have for masters studies in that school. If you can successfully explain why you chose that school, by presenting reasons based upon the course curriculum of your chosen masters class, then you will have properly responded to the prompt. You already know what courses you want to study for your potential masters degree course. Just discuss those in greater detail with the accompanying university of your choice for each course.

For the conclusion, you can rehash the reason that you have in your final paragraph. However, you will need to edit it in order to make it more relevant to the prompt. I believe that your plans for the future are covered by this statement: "to be one of an educationist and researcher in this motherland of Cambodia. My goal is be able to find and influence the people who share the same interest of mine and continue to contribute to the needs for education sector in Cambodia, and brought about the prosperous value from England and strengthened the diplomatic communication between the two countries."

Scholarship / Who do you want to be in the next 10 years? (minimum 50 words, maximum 150 words) [2]

Brian, the essay that you wrote is quite generic in feel. It does not offer any solid information that the reviewer can hold on to and assess as part of your college application process. While others will tell you that being genetic in reference to your statement is a good thing that will allow you to spin the fact that you have not made up your mind about your major yet, I would like to caution you against doing that.

This type of essay prompt requires you to examine your current college major choices. Are you absolutely sure about the major that you have chosen? Are you truly enthusiastic about studies in this field? Then let the reviewer know about the sense of self-assurance that you have by indicating a foretelling of your future. It does not have to be a solid plan, it just has to be a plan. Something that tells the reviewer that you understand the demands of your major and what your potential career will be.

Now, if you do not have a major in mind yet, you can use the statement you wrote above, BUT, it will definitely not be as effective as it can be in trying to make your application memorable to the reviewer. On that note, I'll try to point out some grammar corrections that need to be addressed should you decide to use this essay in its current form.

This quote is absolutely the best answer of me AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED for the question.

who I want to be in my future. In fact, m my answers were different in specific times.

Many years later, I grow GREW up and understand UNDERSTOOD that nobody can predict their future or tell exactly what they will do in the next 10 years because life is a long journey which is full of unexpected twists and turns.

- Please break this up into at least 2 sentences. The idea you are discussing is too long to be expressed in only one sentence.

However, what I can BE sure OF IS that in the next 10 years, I would WILL be a well-educated and successful man. In THE next 10 years,

live in a place that WHERE innovation and creation is valued.

guy that just only knowS about myself.

Scholarship / [Chevening Essays] Building networks was essential for me to get my first internship [9]

Mayara, don't fret. I took one look at your current version of the essay and immediately found a portion that you can cut out from the first paragraph. You can easily delete the first sentence in that section without affecting the overall feel and message of your essay. What you wrote is actually just composed of fluff and doesn't help the essay along. By deleting that line, the immediate sentence after offers a solid response to the prompt. It is the hook that your essay really requires at this point. Deleting the first sentence will free up almost 20 words from the essay. You only need to delete 13 more right? So you are set once you delete that line. It immediately goes under the word limit.

You can also delete the part of the third paragraph that says "During my exchange..." because the important part of the paragraph comes from the second sentence. Start the paragraph instead with the words "It was also through a connection..." Remember, the reviewer already knows that you were an exchange student. There is no need to keep repeating it.

As far as I can tell, deleting the aforementioned parts of the paragraphs will more than help you bring down the word count. It will also polish the essay to the point where you will be able to use what you now have as it will be in its final form already.

Undergraduate / Essay for UIUC: Explain your interest in the major you selected. [7]

Gao, truthfully, there is nothing that we can do about your test scores. You can only hope that the common app essays that you will be submitting will be effective enough to catch the attention of the reviewer. We can aim to present some unique aspect of yourself as a student, however, I am not sure that it will be effective in helping you. Remember, the transcript plays a more pivotal role in considering your qualifications as a student. However, your common app essays will also be considered during the adcom deliberations. Right now, we can just hope that your essay will be polished enough to at least help you earn consideration in the review process.

Don't worry about bothering me for assistance. I am here to help you out. That is what contributors do here :-) So bother away ! With regards to adjusting the word count, you can only do that by revising your paragraphs to become shorter. If you know how to rephrase the paragraphs, you will be able to lessen the word count immensely. It will also help if you would be willing to part with some portions of the essay that may seem irrelevant to the story you are trying to tell upon further review.

If you want to try and have a hand at shortening the essay by yourself, just remember two things :

1. Never lose the essence of the paragraph in the shortened version.
2. Consider removing whole paragraphs if they are either just pleading your case or trying to polish a statement that is not really that important to the essay.

Here's what we can do. I'll let you try to revise the essay to bring the word count down by yourself. I admire your desire to learn how to do this which is why I am willing to take the chance and let you try to do it. If you find that you need help, just sound the alarm and I'll jump in to help :-)

Scholarship / [Chevening Essays] Building networks was essential for me to get my first internship [9]

Mayara, sometimes, simply rephrasing your additional sentences will help you to achieve the maximum word count. Let me try to rephrase your sentences in red. I will make it shorter. Then you can add it to your existing essay and check for word count compliance. You only need to bring it down by 43 words right?

My commitment and desire to learn were essential for them to feel compelled to indicate me to positions they thought I was a fit and to act as a referee when I needed

- My obvious commitment and desire to learn prompted my teachers to assign me to positions where they knew I would be able to help make a change.

In spite of knowing me for a short time, one of my professors thought of me for this position after I demonstrated interest in public policy.

- One of the professors believed in my public policy abilities enough to assign me to this position even though I was new on the job.

in classes, social gatherings, clubs, etc.
- Drop the etc. and instead say, "among others"

To have this strong network was important when I returned to Brazil after my exchange. I kept in contact with my peers while I was away and upon returning they offered me my position back.

- This strong network was a necessary element that convinced my old network of peers to offer me my old job back upon my return.

Let me know if these shortened sentences work well for you :-)

Undergraduate / Carleton first caught my attention, because of its size, location, and beautiful campus [5]

Anna, your statement doesn't respond to the prompt at all. The way that you have it written at the moment tells me that the reviewer is not even going to get past the first sentence before he decides to stop reading this essay. Your focus was not on the prompt at all so you need to write a totally new response.

Here is my advice. Do some research to help you respond to the question. Get to know the university, its campus, the course offerings, class curriculum in relation to your chosen major, and the extra curricular activities that are available there. Take note of the impressive information that you may find or learn about. Make a list of the reasons that you want to attend the university.

After you complete your list, write a draft of the essay. Within the draft, represent the academic interest that you have in the university (classes you want to attend, professors you want to work with, internships, other related programs...) as your opening statement. After that, talk about the community that comprises the student campus. What activities do you look forward to participating in? Maybe there are clubs or organizations that caught your eye during your research, talk about how you would like to join those activities and why. Finally, make sure to create a connection between the university mission and objectives and your own principles in life. These are normally the responses that applicants are expected to present when responding to these prompts. The idea, is to tell the reviewer how familiar you are with the university in order to show that you are not a whimsical applicant.

Undergraduate / Essay for UIUC: Explain your interest in the major you selected. [7]

I'd be more than happy to answer your questions Gao :-) Let me post the question and the answer below.

May I know how the word "irrelevant" is interpreted?
- The basic definition of irrelevant is something that is no longer connected with something. Therefore, in your paragraph, when you learned about computer coding in relation to robotics, the projects that you had as a child with the Lego bricks and chopsticks no longer had a connection with making things move as in the case of a robot. That is why I chose to say that those things were already irrelevant.

Isn't "rather" meaning "a little"? And why "though"?
- In this case, "rather", in your context meant that you indicated a preference. I opted to say "though" because it seemed like you were faced with two options and you had to make a decision. You decided to pay attention to the coding instead of the moving robot. Hence the term usage.

I hope I was able to clarify the questions you have. Please, don't hesitate to ask more questions if you need to. I am here to help :-) Now, let's review the content of your essay in regards to prompt responsiveness shall we?

It was an afternoon when my teacher first taught our class in programming the robot of the club
- We still need to clarify this sentence. It doesn't really make much sense. I would interpret this statement as follows:
"It was on a lazy club activity afternoon when my teacher decided to introduce a robot to us as part of our introduction to programming."

- Was I right to make a club reference? If not, just adjust the content of the sentence to reflect the essence of what I wrote.

I glimpsed AT the screen,

That is why computers are never calculators, because they can have souls.

These are the remaining problems that I found within your essay. I think that correcting them will create a final version of your essay that is ready to use. We can do one final proofread and grammar check after you apply the changes. By the way, what is the maximum word count? I just might be able to help you bring the word use down to an acceptable level.

Undergraduate / "If you can't find happiness, then just create your own" - How I built my Happiness [4]

Max, this is a really interesting story of character development on your part. It really offers an insight into the way that you have developed your social skills, talents, and leadership abilities to its fullest. Overall, you made sure to let the reviewer know that you embodied the prompt requirements from Point A to Point B. While I will not fault your essay content wise, I will however, call your attention to some unclear paragraphs and grammar corrections for the betterment of your work. Please note them as follows:

Par. 1:
- Please do your best to shorten the paragraph. This is a very long introduction that does not really present the importance of the event in such a manner that will hold the interest of the reviewer. It would be best if you just combine the flag ceremony with paragraph 2. That way you can simply say that an important, life changing event happened to you during one flag raising ceremony.That will better capture the interest of the reviewer.

Par. 2:
Julian Tan for his excellenTce performance in tennis.

PAR.3:
Ever since that day, I HAD wanted to bring pride to the school. I started assessing my talents. I was raised up like a stereotypical Asian child; I learnt ED the piano and the guitar, attended tennis and football trainings ,

and I believed I could write and speak fluently. - In what language? Be specific.
With these talents of mine, I decided to hone it I DECIDED TO FURTHER HONE MY TALENTS SO THAT I COULD further to bring pride

Par. 4:
consistently winning PLACING IN THE top 3. I represented the school in the State-level Tennis competition, where I won 4th and 2nd place. I AND was coached by Julian Tan,

managing to secure A top 10 SLOT in all the competitionS.
I was contented with my school life then.

Par. 5:
since they HAVE planS to send me to America. I was against their decision at first, but I finally complied ACCEPTED with their decision. I was ticked off with BY one thing-

to send students for TO State-level competitions.
hoped to continue on in this school shattered.

Par.6:
After that day, I ACQUIRED THE SCHOOL PERMISSION TO started hosting a public speaking and debate session in school. I helped the debaters to hone their skills on IN preparation, speaking in public, and how to think fast to interject DEFLECT their adversary's points.

Par. 7:
It was not until I became Student Council President when THAT I could make the magic happen.THROUGH COORDINATION WITH SCHOOL AUTHORITIES, I started the club system with the most generic clubs

and I BECAME a member of the music club. I helped organized several friendly soccer matches
I also started teaching those who needs ED help in their studies.

Par.8:
Indeed, life isn't always going to be an uphill battle. Sometimes, life may give us lemons. We can either choose to be sour, or just make some lemonade with it. If you can't find happiness, then just create your own.

-The uphill battle does not really fit in well with the lemons reference so leave it out.

Graduate / How will you embody this vision as a future physical therapist? Physical therapy graduate school. [8]

There is still too much background information in this essay for it to be considered a "future goals" essay. Rather than saying that you consulted with your brother and Dr. Starret, instead say that you are familiar with their work. Mention some pretty specific accomplishments of the doctor and then work up to saying that you will use her important concepts in the implementation of your future career. Then state some examples as to how you plan to implement it in the future. As for your brother, don't mention him unless he is a notable name in physical therapy treatment. The reviewer could really case less what a rank and file physical therapist thinks. Of course, if you were writing an essay based upon who influenced you to become a physical therapist, you can definitely use your brother as the topic of the essay.

You can really skip your first paragraph and just use the second paragraph instead. The first paragraph just feels like it is unnecessary in the essay. It has a pointless existence to it since it only helps you to open the essay, which can more effectively be done by the second paragraph. That is one reason that your essay still has more of a backstory feel to it rather than a "forward vision".

I am hoping that you will be able to write a closing statement that will provide the reviewer with an image of who and what you hope to be as a physical therapist in the future, based upon the prompt. I don't really get a strong idea of how you plan to "transform(ing) society by optimizing movement to improve the human experience". How do you plan to inspire your patients? How can you move them forward through the painful physical therapy? How can you help improve the treatment plans your chosen field of work by using movement to improve the human experience? Explain what you understand about the human experience in the context of Physical Therapy as you understand it. That should help the essay become further forward thinking in response.

Undergraduate / UNIVERSITY OF WASHINGTON: Tell us a story from your life... (Personal Statement Criticism) [4]

Elizabeth, I am not sure if I was the only one who tended to get confused by the sudden appearance of the question "Are you Korean or American?" I feel like there is a lack of build up to that discussion. Also, I was lost at the start, wondering about who was asking that question. Was is a complete stranger trying to bully you? That is how it came across at the first instance. It took a little while before I was able to connect that it was your mother who was asking you this question. I really believe you should clarify that portion by using a setting and transition instead of just hitting the reader with it.

Other than the confusion at the beginning of your essay, I really don't see anything that needs to be revised with regards to your work. The personal context of the essay is something that a number of natural born Americans struggle with on a daily basis. It is nice to see that you used the "confusion" regarding your identity in a positive manner. Your stance about not allowing yourself to be labeled is really a strong statement to make in this type of essay. I admire your conviction.

One small point I hope you can clarify though. Aside from the confusion with the who stated the question, can you add some explanation as to why you told your mother that you were Korean? Then explain why she did not believe you. I think that doing that will make your conviction at the end to not allow yourself to be labeled much stronger than it already is.

Undergraduate / Essay for UIUC: Explain your interest in the major you selected. [7]

Gao, I never thought I would ever say this but, in order to properly edit your essay, we will first have to fix the grammar problems that exist. We need to do that so the thought process that you are trying to convey will, hopefully, become clearer and thus, allow the reviewer to better understand your response to the prompt. Let me help you out with that below.

Before THE AGE OF ten, I had created IMAGINATIVE ROBOTS AND OTHER MECHANICAL DEPICTIONS USING with LEGO blocks,
But when I firstly encountered computer programming, all of the former creations faded BECAME IRRELEVANT.

It was an afternoon . WHEN M my teacher was teaching the FIRST TAUGHT OUR CLASS OUR first lesson on IN programming the robot at OF the club.

Rather THOUGH captivated BY THE ROBOT, I glimpsed the screen
Under the grammatical PROGRAMMING rules, every part can be altered separately, every connection is acceptable, like SIMILAR TO writing a prose, disciplined but not constrained.

A L long time had passed before
"Is computation the all of THAT a computer CAN DO ? If so, why isn't it a calculator?" I wondered.
I started to build AN elementary optical character recognizing algorithms.
In the process, the computer firstly createS a network consisting of computing nodes
simplistic judgments on the images' IMAGE'S characteristics,
recognize as many characters AS POSSIBLE.
And THAT IS WHY computers are never calculators , because they can have souls.

And e Every revolution in technology brings about a whole world of possibilities, so will the AI ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE.

Kindly apply these changes and then post the essay here again. Then we will work on polishing the content of your essay :-)

Undergraduate / We are a community with quirks... - University of Virginia (UVA) Supplemental Essay [7]

You understood what I meant by the edits perfectly :-) This is the kind of statement response that showcases the way the book had an impact upon you. The fact that it challenged you to stand up for women's rights is exactly the kind of reaction that one would expect of someone whose mind has been opened by this book. That said, there are a few grammar problems that you overlooked during your proofreading process. So let me address those for you below :-)

But once I read "I Am Malala" DURING the summer of last year,

I've always heard about how fortunate I am to have a great education system compared to places COUNTRIES around the world,

a teenage, muslim girl no different than FROM myself really showed

are struggling for an education back in my home COUNTRY.

While i'm I'm here worrying about what college I'll go to,

voice my opinion for women's' 'S rights, and more equal opportunities for girls.