Book Reports / Book recommendation for Novel Analysis Thesis [13]

Hmm... Again I find myself wanting more information before recommending a topic. Why do you want to write on this subject? Do you read books in this genre? Which have been your favorites? Why?

It is, of course, always possible to choose two books in the same genre, read them, and then compare their themes, characters, etc. So, you could just do that.

Undergraduate / "My time with her count." - CommonApp essay - Evaluate a significant experience [7]

You're on the right track in describing the experience. You do so vividly, although you will need to do some pruning (metaphor chosen in deference to your agricultural experience) in order to now do what the prompt asks you to do, not just tell but evaluate a significant experience.


Hmmm... How did you know this? Could you, perhaps, demonstrate your capacity for empathy by imagining all of the different thoughts or feelings this girl might have had for you and all of the different things she might have been feeling while driving away from an experience that, for her, was much bigger than just her time with you? Is it possible that she was simply saying goodbye or that, sensing your sorrow, was trying to tell you that everything was going to be okay?

Speaking of the thumbs up gesture, this might be an opening for you to show some retrospective awareness of your cultural lack of knowledge. That gesture is not universal. In China, it means "one" as an upraised index finger would mean to you. In Iran, the gesture is vulgar, as an upraised middle finger would be here.

What else about the experience was significant for you? Did you only care about playing with the children or did you learn something of value from the agricultural work? These are just some of the questions you might ask yourself in order to turn this lovely descriptive essay into a thoughtful reflection on a significant experience.

Undergraduate / This year's cross-county varsity - common app significant experience essay. [14]

Yes, the topic is good and your writing is vivid.

Book Reports / Book recommendation for Novel Analysis Thesis [13]

One novel that would be good for that is Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit by Jeanette Winterson. Or you could go old-school and write about Rubyfruit Jungle by Rita Mae Brown.

Research Papers / Comparing pre and post Gold Rushes of the 1850s in Australia. [14]


This provokes Borgian images for me.

Essays / CBEST exam topic ideas? [12]

I just placed the same warning on another thread. Possibly you are doing this in good faith, just trying to ask different members the same question. Whatever your motivation, though, just stop.

Undergraduate / Satisfactions from activities as a physician - Columbia University Secondary [35]

Hip hop is a very broad genre of music. Of course I've much antipathy for the misogyny and consumerism present in much commercial hip hop. But I've got no quarrel with rappers like Michael Franti and Wyclef Jean, just to name a couple of my favorites.


Well, then you are for language change, as "aks" came first!

Writing Feedback / Not eveything that is learned is contained in the books [20]

Yes, Orlando, don't put yourself down so much! You simply misread the question, something that it is very easy to do in a language that is not your first. Also, it's in English that this age-old debate between formal education and practical experience is phrased as "book learning" versus life experience. The constructors of the test ought to have understood that the phrase would not have the same associations for learners of English as it would have for a native English speaker.

Undergraduate / Family influence - violence essay [14]

I'm glad you took out the reference to violence, as it was confusing and irrelevant to the essay. But now I see that "violence essay" is the title of this posting. Were you supposed to write about violence? If so, you're on the wrong track altogether.

My brother was identified as being gifted in kindergarten; I was not.

I believe the foundation I have established as a person growing up will serve me well as a student at the University of Central Florida and life in general .

Writing Feedback / CBEST Essay - Why I enter education field? [4]

"Then came an opportunity to volunteer at a daycare program for children with autism. I grabbed both opportunities, working as a volunteer worker in the afternoon and a student in the evening. As time passed by, I wanted more passionately to be with the children."

Watch out for your verb tenses. Using the wrong verb tense is a major error that will cost you points on the essay.


You have got to stop asking that question in every thread. Look at the answers we have already provided numerous times. I will delete the next comment in which you ask this question.

Undergraduate / This year's cross-county varsity - common app significant experience essay. [14]

You posted your reply as I was revising my suggestion. Look at my amended suggestion.

Undergraduate / This year's cross-county varsity - common app significant experience essay. [14]

It was then that I first noticed my leg muscles taking shape and extrapolated that if I wished to run more, I would have to work on them simultaneously. I began cycling after running to strengthen my legs so that they do not hamper me from running long .

Go through your essay carefully, looking for such phrases that can be easily cut without sacrificing content. At the same time, keep a sharp eye out for your verb tenses. You sometimes slip out of past tense when writing of the past.

Undergraduate / "Significant Experience" essay - need advice on the content of this essay [22]


I'm guessing, Sean, that you're not part of what is now generally called the LGBT movement. In fact, there is considerable prejudice against intersexed individuals and we have learned that far more people than was previously believed are intersexed to some degree. In recent years, the lesbian and gay rights movement has welcomed the concerns of both transgendered and intersexed individuals, understanding that -- as evidenced by the frequency with which gay people are denigrated by the term hermaphrodite in various cultures -- the same underlying social dynamic oppresses the groups. This is, to put it shortly, the inaccurate view that all people are clearly male or female, that masculinity and femininity map naturally onto those sexes, and that the only natural match is between a male and a female.

Undergraduate / Obstacles in the road - Need assistance with UCF Prompt [6]


"Consequences" is plural; "it" is singular. Replace "it" with "they."

"...in order to undo the damage..."

Be sure to proofread carefully to find homonym errors that spell checkers won't catch.

Undergraduate / "Panic. Chaos. Insanity." - Stanford Roommate Essay [17]


I think you mean "tumultuous." That's a good word.

Undergraduate / Need Help with application essay about my personal characteristics [11]

I look forward to seeing your draft. Meanwhile, I've been thinking about the objects I touch every day and what they say about me. So far, I've got: (1) bundle of pencils (different colors) rubber-banded together plus old-school composition book (they function as a set); (2) faded dog leash; (3) ??? (can't decide.)

Undergraduate / I will forever be nostalgic for the summer of 09 - PENN STATE essay [4]


Say this directly, albeit without the profanity. It expresses what you are trying to say much more directly than the metaphor about "hunger and thirst." You know, much more so than most incoming college students, just how important a college degree will be. Consequently, you are not likely to waste the opportunity, if only they will give you the chance.

Undergraduate / 'Most people love Christmas' - University of Florida essay ("my life change"), suggestions? [21]


This is a comma splice: You've spliced together two complete sentences with a comma rather than separating them with a period or joining them with a semi-colon. It's never a good idea to start an essay with a grammatical error.

Essays / Pro Con Analysis (Immigrants to Learn English) [19]

"This raises the questions at what point does a person lose these rights and who decides when to end a person's life?"

Here is my suggestion: Follow your teacher's outline. Exactly. Start with "describe the problem" and do each step in turn, drawing on what you have written here to do so. Allot one paragraph to each section. Then write your introduction. Do not go astray. Do not worry about trying to say everything that could be said about this question. Be concise and direct. If your instructor gave you that outline, then that is what s/he wants to see.

Essays / "The Curious incident of the dog......."-Christopher's change & lessons learned [26]


I'm sorry to hear that. I have more hope than you on that account. I think you perhaps became lost in the long discussions of related issues and are not able to see that it would be possible for you to write a simple essay at your own level, expressing your views about the themes of the book as you see them. The book is easily understood and, indeed, you have understood it. You have something to say about it. I'd encourage you not to give up on that one.

Let's stay with what you think this time. What did Christopher learn? How did he change over the course of the book? Tell us your ideas and we will help you organize them into an essay that expresses your views.

Letters / I want to attend construction managment [5]

That's a very good idea.

Undergraduate / "Significant Experience" essay - need advice on the content of this essay [22]

Right. I believe that gay men are often denigrated by being called hermaphrodites. So, what you might have seen was a gay bashing rather than an assault on intersexed individuals. In that case, the reference to the "gay law," whatever it is called (you should specify) is valid.

Undergraduate / Career aspiration essay - the pharmacist. [10]


Your aspiration is to be a pharmacist. Probably, you have some more specific ideas about that, such as whether you hope to work in a hospital or own your own pharmacy. Perhaps there is some particular work within the field that especially interests you. Perhaps, too, you believe that you will make a contribution to some community by being a pharmacist.

Undergraduate / Suggestions for personal statement for Top university (Chinese in Canada) [11]


I think that "you" is acceptable in this context, as a deviced to draw the reader into the essay, and actually makes more sense than "one."

Book Reports / Argumentative essay on 1984 - Outline [40]

Actually, in recent years, a number of highly-placed people in the United States have argued that both torture and manipulative control of information are defensible. Former Vice President Cheney continues to maintain that torture is defensible and that vital information may rightly be withheld from the public. Discussing 1984 in that context might be very fruitful.

Undergraduate / "We the People" - Undergrad Admissions Essay for Ivies? Critique =) [29]

I second that emotion.

Undergraduate / The Most Influential Person in my Life essay (my husband) [6]

I'd like this to get to the point more quickly. I think we all know that children are influenced by parents and teachers and etc. The heart of what you are saying is that adults also are influenced by the people in their lives. Lead with that.

Undergraduate / UCF Admissions essay - family history environment / culture - suggestions / proofread? [21]

"it's" = it is

Whenever you catch yourself writing "it's" rather than "its," ask yourself: Do I mean "it is"? If not, omit the apostrophe.

Your grammar is good, but I'd like you to be less wordy and to quit relying on trite phrases:

"The concept of considering family to be number one is exceedingly important" should be something like "We place family above all else."

"It is no secret that the world is made up of a myriad of lifestyles across the world" is nothing but a string of trite phrases.

Undergraduate / AP biology - University of Florida Admissions Essay [4]

It's okay that you include AP Biology, band, and JROTC, because they all were part of the same process of finding your niche. Mentioning all three helps to establish you as a well-rounded student, which is what admissions officers want to see. You just need to tighten up the organization of the essay, so that it is clear that those three things are all examples of the same process of finding your niche, a process you hope to repeat at the university.

Undergraduate / "My Name" - Common Application short answer essay [8]

I'll just weigh in on the question of the opening line. I think it is very strong and engages the reader's attention. It was clear to me, from the text that follows, that this is how members of the Model UN introduce themselves.

Frankly, the way that this answer begins is the cleverest thing about it. I'd certainly not cut that!

Undergraduate / FSU Essay - "Going to FSU will only make me stronger" [5]


I'm not sure what you mean by this. Isn't every culture unique? In talking about this, it would be good to not only talk about Dominican culture, which shares characteristics with other Hispanic cultures but also has its own features, but also show that you are eager to meet and learn from the people of other cultures who you will encounter in college.

Overall, the essay is strong in that you touch on all of the values, giving a good example for each. I'd like to see a stronger conclusion.

Undergraduate / influential person my father [4]

1. Begin with what is now your second paragraph.

2. Write more about your father's characteristics as these are demonstrated in his behavior. Make sure that the reader gets a clear image of your father as a unique individual.

3. Say how you have been influenced by having such a man as your father.

Undergraduate / "my inner characteristics to shine" - UCF prompt Contribute to UCF community [7]

After revising what you've already written, per Liebe's suggestions, be sure to add new material directly addressing the question: What will you contribute to the UCF community. What you've got now lays the groundwork, establishing who you are and what your experience has been. But you have yet to say specifically how you will contribute to the UCF community. Look at the student groups and community service projects that are active on that campus now. Will you join one or more of those? Will you start a new organization or project? What, exactly, will you do to contribute to the UCF community?

Undergraduate / Need help on Bump in road Essay (my best friend's death) [23]

I'm so sorry for your loss but so glad that you are writing about it. I know that it may be hard to do so, but you can make this essay even stronger (and perhaps more helpful to you) by giving more details about how you felt and what you thought in the immediate aftermath of your friend's death. Right now, you skip over that part, jumping from his death to your attitude now. I think you will find it to be fruitful to reflect more closely on exactly how that experience changed you.

Dissertations / Need to decide topic of dissertation Mtech Computer Science [11]

The topic of your dissertation will determine what your life is going to look like for the next months and years, so you must choose wisely. Here are some questions I have for you:

In which of these areas have you already done research?
In which of these areas are you especially well-read already?
In which of these areas are you most interested?
In which of these areas do you hope to work or teach in the future?
What are the requirements of your program concerning the dissertation?
Is there an ongoing research project at your institution that you could join in order to obtain data in exchange for your labor on the collective project?

What is the area of expertise of your faculty adviser?

Essays / CBEST exam topic ideas? [12]

I'm not clear what you are asking. Are you wondering what the topics might be? Or, are you looking for sample topics to use in writing practice essays? Have you visited the CBEST website?

Essays / How do female characters fit into the modernist milieu? [4]

Well, this is a very interesting question. You are looking at female characters created by two male modernist writers who are known for their misogyny and asking how they compare to the actual voices of women of the modernist milieu as exemplified by St. Vincent Millay and Marianne Moore.

Right away, I think about how Marianne Moore's voice is so complex and quirky, coming at the reader from so many odd angles and so vividly expressing a unique and often variegated worldview. In contrast, Chandler and O'Neill's female characters tend to be types, serving primarily as foils for their male protagonists.

Writing Feedback / "A government's role" - academic writing test IELTS to be correct [8]

First, let's talk about structure. You want to state your thesis -- the opinion that you will be arguing in the essay -- in your introduction. You also want to include a conclusion that restates the thesis and summarizes the arguments you have made.

One way to make sure that you do that is to make some notes for yourself before writing, listing the arguments you will make in the essay. This way, you will know what you are going to be saying in the rest of the essay when you write your introduction.

Also, watch your time and be sure, when the time begins to run out, to at least quickly write a concluding paragraph that, at minimum, reiterates your thesis.

Now, let's look at grammar:


Here, your problem is that the sentences is sort of backwards. Instead, you could have said, "In this essay, I will discuss..." or "This essay will discuss..." That would then provide the opportunity, in the next sentence, to state your thesis, "I will argue that..."

In general, try to write simple sentences that begin with the subject and verb rather than placing the verb late in the sentence or leaving the subject unstated.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Observing or studying animals teaches us a lot about human nature [4]

The structure of your essay is good, although it will be better if you can put three (rather than just two) examples or arguments between your introduction and conclusion.

In writing, take more care to say precisely what you mean. For example, your closing statement is not quite right.


If what you mean is that there is a close relationship (in the sense of similarity) between humans and other animals -- as evidenced by the fact that we share 98% of our DNA with chimpanzees -- that's relevant to your essay. But, the way that you have phrased it, it sounds like you are recommending close relationships (in the sense of mutually beneficial interactions) between human and nonhuman animals, and this runs contrary to your essay, which relies for one of its examples on terribly hurtful research perpetrated on monkeys by the psychologist Harry Harlow, who deliberately took baby monkeys from their mothers in order to demonstrate something we easily could have learned (and, indeed, already had learned) by observing human orphans in institutions.

If you are trying to say both of these things -- that humans and animals are similar and that they should have good relations -- then you would have to rephrase the sentence. For example, you could say, "Humans and animals share many characteristics. We can learn much about ourselves by observing them. However, because they are so similar to us, we must take care to treat them humanely and not deliberately inflict psychological harm on them."

Essays / Similarities between myself and any vegetable [17]

This thread is fun! I think we should all say what vegetables we are like and why. I've got to think on that one...