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Posts by EF_Team5
Joined: Apr 22, 2008
Last Post: Nov 27, 2008
Threads: -
Posts: 1583  
From: USA

Displayed posts: 1583 / page 33 of 40
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EF_Team5   
Jul 27, 2008
Writing Feedback / Speech- should the use of uniform be discarded? [4]

You're welcome!

Test anxiety is tough to beat, but if you are well prepared before hand, breathe deep when you're taking the test, and try to stay focused, you'll do magnificently!
EF_Team5   
Jul 26, 2008
Writing Feedback / Speech- should the use of uniform be discarded? [4]

I realize this is a speech and you probably won't be turning in your notes, but it's a good idea to use correct punctuation whenever you are writing. Therefore, I went ahead and corrected a few mechanical mistakes along the way.

Just a couple word choice corrections and structural corrections. Otherwise, it looks great. Your tone is respectful, yet you are effective in conveying your viewpoint. Good work!
EF_Team5   
Jul 26, 2008
Letters / 'your holiday been so far' - Informal letter to Sarah [2]

Good morning.

Your tone is appropriately friendly; you are warm enough to let her know you still feel close enough to her and descriptive enough to not assume she knows all the details (since it seems you haven't seen each other in awhile).

A couple of things:

There is no need to put ao dai in quotation marks, so remove them.

Anytime you are talking about yourself and others, just as if you were to be introducing someone, always put yourself last. "...a picture of me and Leila..." should be "...a picture of Leila and me...".

"...I will help Leila get dressed and put on her makeup , before..."

Nice work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Jul 26, 2008
Letters / Formal recommendation letter re: the vacation job [4]

Good morning.

I think the tone is appropriate. You are gracious yet professional, and you let your reader know that you are interested in her offering and why. Go ahead and remove the "Re: The Vacation Job" as this is usually reserved for memo writing. Also, don't forget your comma after your reader's name and after the closing.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Jul 26, 2008
Undergraduate / UCF quality to better the campus - admission essay [2]

Don't be so hard on yourself. Nobody's perfect at anything :) Good job! You show a good example of how you have changed the landscape of your previous campus, and that you intend on making another positive change on the new one. You could spend a little more time talking about the club and what you did in it, or share an interesting story about it, if your word limit allows. You did answer the prompt adequately, with a very good example of your past and your future intent. Nice work!
EF_Team5   
Jul 26, 2008
Undergraduate / "Before he cheats essay - obstacle essay [2]

OK, let's see what we've got here:

"People say after hard times you learn and you mature from it, that times in life will not always be picture perfect. I have learned this first hand.

I will never forget sitting in the back seat of my friend's mother's car with my best friend screaming the words to "Before he C heats" on the radio. It was a picture perfect scene, until I got a phone call that would forever change our lives. Our good friend ____ was crying hysterically, yelling, and screeching "H e died, he's dead!" That moment my world stopped. Tears streamed down my face like a waterfall , my body went numb, and an unexplained chill ran through the car. Denial filled my head. I had an awesome life with no obstacles until then . Things like this did not happen, except in movies.

I immediately called his cell phone, left a voice mail that was never returned. ___ my friend, one of the nicest, most outgoing, and caring people I had ever met, was to never be seen again. Memories of him raced through my mind.

Going through the stages of grief, denial, and depression has to have been the biggest obstacle I have overcome. Death is not easy, life is not easy, and eventually everyone learns this from a personal experience. This tragedy has taught me a lot; I am now a stronger and more mature person. I have experienced something some people never will.(You just finished saying how everyone has to go through something like this in life, but here you state that you've experienced something individual; this is very conflicting. I suggest changing this statement to something such as, "I have experienced something profound, and it has effected me deeply.) I have realized bad things happen to good people and that life is not always fair, b ut most importantly to live everyday as if it were my last."

Watch your use of casual contractions such as "won't" and "can't" in formal academic writing. Otherwise, you've got a good essay. You tell your story well and explain briefly how it has changed you. Good work.
EF_Team5   
Jul 25, 2008
Book Reports / Real courage- To kill a Mockingbird essay [4]

You have good examples, just watch your citations. What reference style are you to be using?
Also, watch your punctuation and quotation marks. You do have good organization and it flows well.
EF_Team5   
Jul 25, 2008
Undergraduate / Describe the proposed field to study in Australia - Help me, revise it [2]

You've got good content here. You tell why you want into the program and your previous experience in the field that qualifies you for entry. Watch the mechanics; you randomly capitalize letters throughout the essay, and had some punctuation errors. Also make sure you write in one tense throughout the text and that your words are complete. Keep up the good work.
EF_Team5   
Jul 25, 2008
Undergraduate / "Your intended major" - UC Admissions Essay Prompt #1 [2]

You have not answered their first question: what is your intended major? Once you state what major you are interested in, draw parallels between your work experiences and the aspects of that major that are attractive to you. For instance, if your intended major is international business, and you handle international accounts at the bank, what real life scenarios have you encountered at work that can benefit you at school?
EF_Team5   
Jul 25, 2008
Writing Feedback / Increase physical education requirement in high school [2]

Nice work! You've got excellent organization and structure. The flow is fluid and you use examples to support your assertions. Watch the inappropriate and incorrect use of commas, and figure out what you want to do about that hanging statement at the end. Good job!
EF_Team5   
Jul 25, 2008
Graduate / My potential for the legal field ; Law School Personal Statement [2]

You support your claims very clearly with your experience. You could spend more time on what it is exactly that you want to study in law school. You do mention the Americans with Disabilities Act; is that the area of law you want to specialize in? What exactly is it that you want to do with your degree once you earn it?

Are there any guidelines to the statement? For instance, is there a prompt they wish you to answer or a word limitation? If so, those requirements can help you narrow your statement and make it distinct.
EF_Team5   
Jul 24, 2008
Writing Feedback / HAVE YOUR EATING HABITS CHANGED SINCE YOU'VE BEEN IN COLLEGE? [4]

Well kudos to you anyway! You still did a great job!

The more you practice and write essays the more familiar with the process you will become, and thus you can't help but become a better writer. It won't take as long as you probably think, so as long as you keep working on it you can't go anywhere but up! Feel free to post here anytime you need any kind of writing help!
EF_Team5   
Jul 24, 2008
Writing Feedback / Traditional Costumes - Reflective essay [4]

I think it could go either way. You could write a personal recount in present tense, and a reflection in past tense, but I don't think there's a large significant difference in this case.
EF_Team5   
Jul 24, 2008
Undergraduate / Descriptive essay on my backyard [6]

Good morning.

If you know what your teacher wants, it helps me to help you if you tell me. I only know what you tell me about the assignment.

What place are you going to write about?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Jul 24, 2008
Undergraduate / How far should I describe my experience for MFA Broadcast design? [8]

Good morning!

Well, it's not like you write these everyday! :)

I'm the same way, and it's easy to overwhelm people with our enthusiasm, especially when it's something we really care about. You'll get your chance. :)

Keep up the good work!
EF_Team5   
Jul 24, 2008
Writing Feedback / "Interview Essay" - My life has been filled with people who have taught me many valuable lessons [2]

Good morning.

You are very welcome. In regards to the first phrase, it looks good the way you have it here. In regards to the second phrase, how about this:

"She is my best friend's mother and her name is Mrs. Santhi Duraisamy. She is the Director of Sakthi Masala Pvt Ltd in India. She is the founder, director, administrator, and jack of all tades in her company, even though she studied only to the 6th grade. She is from Erode, Tamil Nadu, South India."

For the third phrase, how about this:

"Her enthusiastic participation and perseverance led to transforming her and her husband's trade into a brand and turning her into the owner of the most popular cooking curry powder Where? In India? Her product is a blend of many herbs and spices."

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Jul 23, 2008
Writing Feedback / Engineers and engineering - argumentative essay [2]

Watch your tenses; stay in one tense or the other throughout the essay. You switch back from the past to the present tense intermittantly in this essay, and it is distracting. Also watch the inappropriate and incorrect use of punctuation. There are some places where you need to be more specific, because vagueness in an essay confuses your reader and eventually you will lose them.

You make a good moral stand, but make sure your supporting information is enough to back it up. Specify what "responsibilities" should be taken and make sure that you are speaking for yourself and not for others, as you cannot tell how someone else should live or how/what they think.
EF_Team5   
Jul 23, 2008
Essays / Going to college will be my last step in reaching my goal; My grades are just barely good enough [6]

Good morning.

What is it about this particular school that interests you the most? What area do you wish to study? Why is that? What is it that you dreamed about exactly, all through your high school years? Why do you feel you are prepared to make this step?

These are the things admissions want to see in these essays; they probably have many applicants, and those who have a plan for the future and what they are going to use their education for have a better chance of getting in.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Jul 23, 2008
Undergraduate / How far should I describe my experience for MFA Broadcast design? [8]

Good morning.

OK, let's see what we've got here:

"Art and design have always been my core passions (Two items, more than one passion) . Blessed with the natural inclination to identify artistic value, my life has been filled with art and design activities since I was able to hold a crayon and make a beautiful mark on my parent's wall, which of course alerted them of my self-evident talent. I'd say blessed because I am loving every part of being in the industry of my choice.

I t was not until during my first year in art college that I became fascinated with moving images. I decided to expand my interest by marrying my initial passions of drawing and 2D graphics with motion. I enrolled myself in an a nimation course. My motion graphics and broadcast design experience barely(Unnecessary word) existed before I landed my first job as motion graphic designer. From then, I never looked back. Soon my works were seen in various local television channels as well as national television.

With regards to my formal educational background, I studied v isual c ommunication d esign my first year at the University of Pelita Harapan, Jakarta, Indonesia, where I focused on the foundations of graphic design such as typography, composition, layout, and art history. At the end of my first year, I was awarded a tuition grant by the government of Singapore in ties with Lasalle-SIA College of the Arts to pursue a degree of my chosen path. Since I had a graphic design background, initially I was going to apply for the course. However my attention was diverted when I took the animation class during my first year. I was so interested in it I(Remove comma) worked hard and earned myself a High Distinction. I enrolled myself in Animation (Media Arts). It is a 4-year course that resembled British tertiary education and was comprised of 3 years in Diploma, equivalent to the first 3 years of a degree and the final year is the Bachelor of Arts (Hons). I was taught the technical aspects of animation production, such as drawing lessons, character design, software knowledge in 2D and 3D and scriptwriting, as well as art theory and art history. In fact I took these theoretical lessons seriously. D uring my final year paper I investigated the underlying message behind the elements of animation through the study of psychoanalysis, and I scored a first class grade. I graduated with a BA (Hons) Upper Second Class from Lasalle-SIA, Singapore and wasw v alidated by the Open University in the UK.

I was employed as a designer at a local production house where(Remove unnecessary comma) I learned in-depth of a fter e ffects and produced my first show packaging for national channel including(Remove unnecessary comma) the logo animation, show opener, lower third, menu page, and end page. T he company was driving towards more trendy and youth-driven graphics and I created promos for their annual beach party, among other projects . I saw the need to be versatile so I accepted a position as a designer in an international branding broadcast company which focuses on re-branding and launching new channels . My responsibilities included developing the channel logo, creating boards for the idents, the opener, lower third, and other items in the package. It was the period during which I sharpened my 3D software knowedge.

I have been working as motion graphic/broadcast designer for 2 years. Currently I am working for a broadcast design company that serves national television and other well-known broadcast stations. W hile enjoying the benefit of hands-on experience in the local and regional media industry I am inspired by what is happening in the international creative scene, which mainly happens in other parts of the world. The i nternet is vastly significant in showcasing the talents and marvelous works throughout the world.

I believe in expanding myself, balancing both creative thinking and technical knowledge. Having read the curriculum for this course, I am confident that I would have a better understanding of the endless possibilities this industry has to offer. Since I acquired my expertise practically by working, having a proper academic backgroundwill give me a well-rounded, comprehensive work persona. It is part of my agenda to eventually take part of the regeneration of talents through education in my home of Singapore. The government has been very supportive in promoting media industry through various scholarships and other funds , hence I foresee a great future ahead locally and internationally. This new installment of advancing my study will pave the way to attain my dream of becoming a prolific player in the industry and supporter of new talent."

OK, I went ahead and trimmed it down, you're right at your 750 word limit. You can trim it further down if you'd like, but you've got so much experience it's hard to decide what is more important than another. Mainly I took out alot of your descriptions and emotions; they want the bare bones facts in this essay. Your personality will come through during the interview, which is what it is for. This is not the place for that, hence the limitiations. Good job!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Jul 23, 2008
Student Talk / Suggestions for getting recorded interviews transcribed [6]

Good morning.

I suggest you look in your local area for transcriptionists. Depending on your location, you may be able to look in the yellow pages of your phone book. Also check your local courthouse; in the states each courtroom is required to have a court reporter and he/she generally works with a freelance transcriptionist. You can contact that individual and he/she should be able to assist you.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Jul 22, 2008
Undergraduate / Descriptive essay on my backyard [6]

Good morning.

I suggest you write about a place that is very comfortable or familiar to you. This will make it easier to describe all facets of the location. You could choose your home, a park nearby, your favorite store, club, grocery store, or other familiar setting. Remember to use all five of your senses when writing a descriptive passage. Not only will it be more interesting for your reader, it will be more productive for you as you write it.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Jul 22, 2008
Essays / Help me in this essay about smoking! [11]

OK, so now you know what you want to write about. An introduction is a preview of your essay. It should have just enough information in it to get your readers interested, without going into so much detail that it is boring for them. You may want to start it out with an astonishing fact or an interesting story or amazing fact about your topic; these sometimes work well for these kinds of essays.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Jul 21, 2008
Essays / Where you like to spend you leisure time in - an descriptive essay!! [4]

OK, well you can focus on one specific thing. What is your favorite part of your house? Depending on the length requirements of the essay, you could do the things you like the most, and then maybe the things you'd like to improve on.
EF_Team5   
Jul 21, 2008
Writing Feedback / 'Choosing the career for my future' - why I want to be a nurse [3]

You've got a pretty good rough draft here. Stay away from using casual contractions such as "can't" and "won't" in academic writing; they are not formal enough and are inappropriate. Also, be careful of the over use and inappropriate use of commas.
EF_Team5   
Jul 21, 2008
Writing Feedback / A Beautiful Sunday Morning -- my descriptive writing. [2]

Great job! Very descriptive! You have done a good job using all of your senses in a very effective manner. Your paragraphs are well structured, the flow is smooth, you have a very interesting opening, and a great closing.

Watch your subject/verb agreement. If both of you turn your heads , then "head" needs to be plural. If only one of you turn your "head", then you need to specify who moves and keep it singular. Keep up the good work!
EF_Team5   
Jul 21, 2008
Essays / Where you like to spend you leisure time in - an descriptive essay!! [4]

Good morning.

Well, you could focus on what it is about your home that makes you want to spend your sprare time in it. For instance, do you like to do home improvements or garden? Do you have other hobbies you like doing in your home? You can write about why you like to do this in your home as well as describing your house. What kind of neighborhood do you live in? Do you have any interesting neighbors? Entire books and movies have been written or filmed just about neighborhoods and its inhabitants.
EF_Team5   
Jul 20, 2008
Essays / Help me in this essay about smoking! [11]

You probably aren't going to find one website with everything you need on it, and that is one of the reasons for referencing your sources.

I suggest working on an outline first, before creating an opening. How are you going to write an opening for a paper that you haven't written yet? For the outline, list each of the prompts your teacher requested. Under each of them, list one example and/or fact about the prompt. Do this for each of the points your teacher requires you to discuss in the paper. For your paper, it looks like you should have twelve sections in all: one main point, supporting detail, and fact or example for each of the four prompts from your instructor.

Once you have your outline created, go back and decide what your introduction should say. An introduction is a trailer to what you will be talking about in your paper. It should have just enough information in it to get them interested, without going into so much detail that it is boring for them. You may want to start it out with an astonishing fact or an interesting story about your topic; these sometimes work well for these kinds of essays.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Jul 20, 2008
Essays / Antigone: law and literature, can a survey be used in an essay? [2]

Good afternoon.

I suggest checking with your instructor as to whether or not this is an acceptable form of research. It might be, it might not be, depending on how scientific and accurate the research is, and how long you have to conduct it in. It's better to be safe than sorry though, and checking with your teacher first will make sure you don't waste time on something he or she won't accept.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Jul 20, 2008
Essays / Help me in this essay about smoking! [11]

Good afternoon.

Referencing styles are different ways to cite information in academic writing. Your instructor may require you to use MLA, Harvard, or APA citation styles for example; however there are others. You will need to check with your teacher about this, because if it is a formal essay for an exam I'm sure you will need to cite your sources.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Jul 20, 2008
Essays / Help me in this essay about smoking! [11]

Good morning.

It sounds like your teacher wants you to write either a formal or informal essay to inform your readers about smoking. Your instructor has given you the four things he/she wants you to include in the essay, so you need to fill in the content.

It looks as if you will have to do some research for these prompts. Do you need to cite your sources? If so, you will be doing a formal essay, and you need to know the rules of your referencing style. If not, then you will be doing an informal essay, and general statements will probably be acceptable. I suggest you begin your research doing keyword searches on the internet. Use your prompts as search criteria; "What are the harmful effects of smoking?", "Why is smoking so popular in (blank) country?". These types of searches will help you find the research you need to acurately explain these prompts.

Once you have your research ready, I can help you create an outline, which you can then create a rough draft from.
Good luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Jul 19, 2008
Grammar, Usage / Conveying the fact - "Odd Question...." [2]

Good evening.

Well, let's see: opportunistic means taking advantage of an opportunity. So, in that sense, your first sentence makes the most sense and sounds the best. I think the first one rings best!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Jul 17, 2008
Writing Feedback / Critique on primary source analysis, British Working Class [4]

Kudos to you for looking to improve your writing! Try looking into some grammar/English writing textbooks. Prentice Hall makes some great college textbooks for the college writer; they explain the use of punctuation and structure pretty well. The Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers (7th Edition) is a good one, but any of the editions in this series are great. You can get them on Amazon.com for a pretty good price; the hardcovers are just as good as the paper covers, so unless you've got a "thing" for hardcovers, the paper are just as good and usually cheaper.

The key to these "awkward" sentences does lie in word choice, but it also has to do with punctuation; your use of semi colons, colons, and commas. The chapters in books like the Prentice Hall series explain this clearly and easily.

Your experience and comfort level with the academic discourse you write of will come in time. Interact with other students in your English class as much as you can, as well as advisors and professors. The more you do this the more familiar you will become with their discourse. The only way to get better with this is to experience it. Keep up your dedication and hard work and with time you will improve.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Jul 17, 2008
Writing Feedback / Traditional Costumes - Reflective essay [4]

Great job! Watch the use of your quotation marks. There was no need to use them with the names of the different outfits because those are the actual names of the costumes. If you were being sarcastic or using the name in a context other than its own, you could use the quotes; as you were not, there is no need.

I didn't think it sounded racist at all; on the contrary, you explained your viewpoint in a way that showed your initial confusion, your inevitable understanding, and your current adaptation. Keep up the good work!
EF_Team5   
Jul 16, 2008
Writing Feedback / Is stereotyping a problem in today's society? [2]

I think you've got some good ideas here, but I'm not exactly clear as to what they are. If you can provide a bit more clarification in these areas, I can help you clean them up more.
EF_Team5   
Jul 16, 2008
Writing Feedback / HAVE YOUR EATING HABITS CHANGED SINCE YOU'VE BEEN IN COLLEGE? [4]

Firstly, when I began college in Washington, DC I had generally healthy eating habits, a product of having lived with my parents and eating Pakistani and Canadian foods. Why is this healthier? Give a couple examples: there is less fat, how it is cooked, etc. In my first month of college life, I tried to continue these habits. I dislike American foods such as junk food and burgers because they are too high in calories, and are different than the foods I was used to at home.As the foods I was accustomed to at home were not available at college, I found myself eating chocolate cake and ordering pizza often, neither of which are health foods. By the end of the semester, I realized I gaineed about 15 pounds.

Fortunately since my first year, I have learned that I have to adjust my eating habits to include the right foods. I also take responsibility for my own eating habits. That means my mom will not be able to watch over my shoulder to make sure I have eaten my carrots instead of slipping them to the dog; I will have to do that job for her.

In conclusion, I reckon I did change my eating habits since I began attending college.I have also realized that in order to eat better, I need to watch what I eat and be careful how many calories I usually eat in a day. I also need to make sure that the foods I choose are healthy choices. Because of this experience I feel like I can be more dependable and do better in the future ."

I did do good deal of rewriting here; I think I was able to keep your ideas and meaning intact. If not, let me know and we can work through it again. Your ideas are good, but I am assuming English is not your native language, and as such the order of your words and such kind of get jumbled up. You do a good job of relating your personal experience in the essay; you are able to pinpoint your weaknesses and are able to work on them and turn them into strengths. This is a valuable trait that will serve you well in all areas of your life; you are very fortunate as not many people have this! Keep up your good work!
EF_Team5   
Jul 16, 2008
Essays / Conflict at a personal level essay - Need help for opening para [6]

Good morning.

Do you have the rest of your essay written already? Your introduction should be like a movie trailer; something to hint at what is to come. You don't want to spend too much time explaining what you are going to tell your readers in the introduction. It can be like a thesis statement if that works, or something less technical, depending on the content of your essay. Either way, it's just a teaser to get your audience interested in what you are going to tell them.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Jul 15, 2008
Writing Feedback / Sticker-shocked food prices ; Corn Ethanol- Renewable Energy gone bad [3]

Yes, you could do it that way. You could also do:

According to Wikipedia, if the complete production costs of farming, seed, fertilizer, pesticides, fuel, and ethanol distillation are taken into consideration Ethanol utilizes 30% more energy to produce than it creates.

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