Scholarship / I have a strange, maybe negative feature.. SELF INTRODUCTION for KGSP [9]

Since you graduated in 2016, have you not been able to work at a bank or apply your studies as an economist in any professional capacity? Please review the discussion requirements of the KGSP self introduction. You will notice that you are being asked to detail your professional experience up to the present. Why haven't you mentioned anything in relation to that? Are you applying right after graduation? Is there no chance that you will be working before you have to submit your application? You have to understand that if you do not have any professional references, your application will not be in a good position for consideration. All of the other applicants will have work qualifications to speak of in relation to their chosen masters degree. You have not represented that at all in your essay. You still need to edit the content of your college experience because it is too long and does not focus on the correct content. Just concentrate on presenting your internship experience in relation to your college studies. Do not present any questions as you have done so now. Those questions are irrelevant to the application. The reference to the dean, is not required either. The saying about college, not needed. There are just too many unnecessary references in that paragraph that it would be best if you wrote a totally new one instead, that focuses on the requirements of the college experience in relation to your professional transition from economy student to economy professional / economist.

Letters / FILLED SCHOLARSHIP APPLICATION - academic study/training related awards, prizes or publications [5]

Exactly 4 accomplishments with the backstory included. That is exactly what the prompt required and that is what you delivered. These are the precise answers that can best show off your accomplishments as a student. With regards to the format, you will need to divide the first paragraph into 2. The discussion doesn't appear as balanced on the screen so you should try to bring a topic separator into the first paragraph in order to balance the discussion. As for the second paragraph, you will need to clarify the accomplishment in this sector. After you submitted your article, say your paper "was published by" the journal that you named. If possible, tell the reviewer what the results of the two published works were on your end in order to create an air of importance about your published articles.

Writing Feedback / Choosing other jobs, changing occupations frequently - IELTS TASK 2 [4]

Ke, it appears to me that you have a thorough understanding of the prompt requirements. Your discussions reflect some pretty acceptable reasons for the discussion and you were able to add a simple point of view coming from your analysis of the situation. These are all good traits in the essay. However, there are still a few shortcomings that should have been addressed.

First of all, you never offer an opinion or a point of view in the summary statement. Aside from the paraphrasing, you should only offer an outline of the discussion to follow, without any additional information yet. The reason you should not include information in the first paragraph is the same reason why you are not allowed to introduce new information in the conclusion, you will be unable to properly develop the reason at that point so it is best to give it a stand alone, explanatory paragraph within the essay instead.

The essay would also have been better presented and have more of an authoritative slant if you had presented only one advantage and disadvantage to discuss in separate paragraphs. It is not the number of supporting facts that you present to the examiner that matters but the quality of the supporting facts. If it shows a clear ability to analyze a statement and defend it in English, then your grammar accuracy and task accuracy will be scored higher.

That said, you also failed to develop a proper concluding statement for the essay. Please refer to the reasons I cited for the opening statement for the explanation of the mistake in your concluding statement.

Due to these reasons, it will be most likely that you would not score higher than a 5.

Scholarship / I have a strange, maybe negative feature.. SELF INTRODUCTION for KGSP [9]

Utkirbek, you almost presented a proper KGSP self introduction letter. The first part, about your course of life is right on the mark. You accurately represented your background and the influence of your parents in your life, both academic and personal. However, that is all you got right with the self introduction.

There is an unnecessarily long focus on your full academic background. It contains a number of irrelevant information, including that of your principal. the academic background should only be discussing your college background in relation to your interest to accounting. So that academic discussion should only present the university where you attended (watch out for those tricky capital letters), what your major was, what accomplishments you had during this time and how it prepared to become an accountant. What is liceum? Is that your university name? Or is that the equivalent of college in your country? You need to better explain that to the reviewer because it seems that the educational qualifications in your country is different from the rest of the world.

Right now, you are missing the all too important professional background which is supposed to explain to reviewer how your current career has prepared you to take this masters course in particular. Without the professional experience, it will be difficult for the reviewer to assess he relevance of your college degree to your occupation, the position you have in your current occupation and how it relates to your masters degree course interests, and how the masters degree course can help you become a better accountant. What are the motivating factors behind this masters degree interest?

You also lack a clear representation of the reasons why you want to study in Korea. It seems that you are interested in Linguistics. However, for the purpose of this self introduction, you should concentrate on what interests you about Korean culture, academics, and Hangeul in particular. Don't discuss other languages that are irrelevant to the self introduction purpose.

The information I listed for removal and revision, as well as the parts that I require you to add are all necessary in order to create a more appropriate self introduction letter. I hope that you listen to me and try to follow as much of the advice that I have given you as you can. It will make a better letter for you in the end.

Letters / FILLED SCHOLARSHIP APPLICATION - academic study/training related awards, prizes or publications [5]

Diga, you are being asked to present at least 4 accomplishments in line with their requirements. I only counted 3 that qualified under the directions you were given. So you need to come up with another award that you got. The academic awards accomplishments, related rewards, prizes or publications need to be specific. You do not need to explain your other academic activities and that you tried. Just relate the 4 accomplishments with more detailed explanations of the background of the reward, publication topic, and a look at the academic article that won you the government award. If you can better explain the background of your accomplishments, the essay will be stronger and show a better sense of the achievements you have and why these are notable to you.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1 - INFORMATION ABOUT DIARRHEA CASES IN MASHHAD FROM 1983 TO 1992 [4]

Ainun, regardless of the minor problems that exist in your essay, those do not erase the fact that you still wrote an essay that can quite possibly, garner you a score of 6 in an actual test. So what did you do right which garnered you that score? Though your paraphrasing was simple enough to sound similar to the original, you had still changed enough of it to create the impression that you understood the topic for discussion. You need not provide a long winded paraphrased prompt if the grammar development is not proper. In this instance, your grammar score was helped by the fact that you kept your discussion simple enough to be understood and at least show that you had more than a mechanical understanding of the prompt. While your discussion could have used a more serious and creative explanation, the fact that you wrote this under time constraint and that you were still able to accurately represent all of the data in the essay, helped to boost your possible score. With that said, there was a slight error in your representation as the years of 84 and 85 had a very slight change, with a small increase in 85 that you failed to notice. Those are the minute data comparisons that you were expected to spot in the line graph but you failed to present in your summary. It happens, but it is better for your score if you train yourself to spot the small differences in order to increase your task accuracy and grammar range score.

Scholarship / Korean games. My self-introduction for KGSP it will make my dream into reality [14]

Are you willing to listen to professional advice or are you telling me that you will not accept any advice regarding the corrections to your content because you are set in the idea that these information you presented are the only way to get into the scholarship? If you will not accept professional advice, then tell me so that I will not waste my time advising you when you do not feel that you require any changes to your content. I have had enough students here asking for advice and yet disregard it, as you did, once it is given to them. If it's not what you want to hear, then its bad advice. You have to fully understand the self introduction required information before you can even begin to draft a proper KGSP essay. This essay does not contain the proper elements for a KGSP self introduction letter. It is not useful to your application.

Scholarship / Nothing is impossible. Follow-On Service Project for Study Abroad Scholarship [2]

Bryan, you are missing out on an extreme opportunity to promote the scholarship program while you are a student abroad. Since you will already be vlogging your adventures, why not promote the Gilman scholarship there as well? You can explain the promotion as some sort of advertising at the end of your Vlog like the shows do at the end or beginning of their programs. For example, you can say that at the start and end of every Vlog you post on Youtube, you will place a reference that says "Today's adventures are sponsored by the Gilman Foundation" with the inclusion of the url for the foundation. Then at the end, you can post another similar shot that says "Thanks to the Gilman Foundation for this life enriching opportunity" again with the link to the website. That way, you do not have to wait until you get back to your home country before you start promoting the scholarship. You could even give a special shout out to the foundation within your Vlog from time to time.

The rest of your promotional plans are good and the target audience and how you plan to reach out is exemplary. However, there is a missed opportunity when it comes to promoting the scholarship and I hope you take my advice under consideration.

Writing Feedback / The percentage of four different type of films distributed in Australia and Britain in 2001 [9]

Please ask your tutor to teach you more about developing transition phrases and paragraphs. That is an integral part of writing whether in a creative, academic, or casual setting. A transition sentence is used to connect two ideas together. That is done either with a transition sentence such as "While other people think this is true, there are those who think the opposite." With the discussion of the second idea presented in the next paragraph. The transition sentence will show that the topic of discussion is still related to the original topic and that the information to be presented next will help to improve the overall discussion in the essay. In this instance, you could have used either a transition sentence at the end of the paragraph, or created a transition paragraph for a more extended discussion that could have helped to improve your task accuracy and grammar range score.

Scholarship / Third approach. I'm ready this time. THIS IS MY LETTER OF INTRODUCTION FOR KGSP [3]

Yelina, this is not an essay that will help your application because it shows a sense of weariness in your words, even as you state a conviction that you will not stop applying for the program until you get accepted. The letter you have written actually does not follow the required format and information for the essay. Maybe it is because you expect the scholarship to have kept a record of your applications and you are expecting them to just refer to that record for your application. Don't do that. Always treat your application with the respect and consideration that a first time applicant essay deserves. That is how you will show your growth as an applicant.

Try to review your past essays and determine the possible weak points of your essays and improve upon those perceived points. You seem to have an idea of where the shortcoming in your previous applications were. So address those mistakes by improving upon that presentation now.

For starters, you should do your best to represent your family background in relation to your current life. Your point of view about life cannot just be based upon the current status of your professional life. It has everything to do with your personal life as well. So if there has been a change in your personal / family life, you should make an effort to represent it here. Make sure to still present your point of view about life, based upon the events in your personal life, along with your hopes and wishes ok? Those are still required elements even if you have already applied to the program previously.

Try to complete your academic presentation. Discuss the college degree yet again. This time though, include information about any seminars and training that you have attended in relation to your profession because that is considered continuous academic training and could count towards the consideration of your application.

Lengthen your professional discussion to represent your current position at your company and what your future looks like in terms of climbing the corporate ladder as a masters degree graduate. Explain that this is the prime motivation for your application.

Your reasons for studying in Korea should have an academic reference to balance out the more common social discussion that you have presented. The current discussion of that part is really weak. It doesn't show a more serious interest in wanting to come to Korea for studies. Perhaps indicate a clear relationship between your line of work and the achievements of Korea in your field of interest? That should balance out the essay in response to the "reasons" criteria.

Scholarship / The contribution of your study to your future career [3]

Bagu, can you provide the complete prompt statement so that I can have a better idea of the required elements of the essay? I want to make sure that you are properly reflecting the response requirements and that there is a clear understanding of the target discussion of the provided instructions. In the meantime, let me analyze this essay for you.

Depending upon the prompt instructions, I believe that you do not need to provide such a separated discussion pertaining to the contribution of your studies to your future career. This seems like a discussion that can be merged into one simple discussion, that of how the studies you will have shall help you achieve a managerial position in the government agency. Whether or not you have to discuss the promotion hierarchy in your office is another matter.

Right now, the essay provides a related response, but needs to be compressed into a more relevant discussion, depending upon the full instructions of the scholarship program. I hope you can provide the full prompt soon so we can get started on the proper editing of your paper.

Scholarship / Korean games. My self-introduction for KGSP it will make my dream into reality [14]

Wong, this is just a personal statement that is qualified for a college application. I believe that you have not accurately represented the required information for the KGSP self introduction letter because of a very flawed opening statement and improper focus of your content. Therefore, you will need to write a totally new essay to address the problems.

The new essay must, as Patience pointed out, show a reference to your personal background and how that relates to the person you have become. What life experiences have you had that influenced your point of view about life? How does your love for gaming translate into your hopes, wishes, and ambitions for your future and the future of your country?

Shorten your academic representation to only the college relevant information in relation to your professional life. So that means, you don't have to represent your history of love for gaming. Nor do you have to explain your high school accomplishments in such detail. You can simply say that you were a runner up during the (name of contest) competition in high school, which led to your desire to specialize in the AR field as a college student.

Your internship is not impressive because you have presented it in a very amateur manner. Try to develop a more professional presentation of the work that you did by first, naming the company you interned with, detail your actual responsibilities, and try to avoid statements like "which I can did it well". You need not explain your understanding of your abilities. Simply state your abilities with conviction. Convince the reviewer that you are actually one of the best in this field. The KGSP takes only the best students in their field of expertise to attend the program. Any sense of doubt or shortcomings in abilities will not help your application. Either you can do the job or not. There is no need to inform the reviewer about how well you think you can do something. That defeats the purpose of your application.

Work on these revisions for now and I will assess how well it blends in with the other sections of your essay. We have a long way to go with editing and revising your work. So be prepared to do this multiple times until you get it right.

Scholarship / Commonwealth Scholarships in the United Kingdom - Benefits to home country essay [7]

When you discuss the cancer program of your government, rather than indicating the questions that crossed your mind, you should focus on presenting the areas of concern that the program has, what kind of solutions your government has enacted in order to address the cancer problem in your society. Your motivation for studying this program must align with the requirements of the government policy and reflect the same throughout your essay. You have presented too many goals for your line of study in relation to the requirements of your government. It would be best if you focus on only one area of concern in oncology instead. That way you can fully focus on presenting the possible benefits that your masters degree can bring to your country. For example, indicate that you will concentrate on creating a non-invasive and affordable method of biopsy which your government can subsidize for the potential cancer patients. Indicate that you will study the best way to prevent the spread of cancer through the early detection procedure. The measure of success for your program is logical and carries information that can easily be considered as achievable by the reviewer so that paragraph works just fine. It is the earlier discussion of your essay that still needs some adjustment.

Scholarship / My love for motion pictures started from a tender age. SOP FOR THE KGSP [9]

Tshireletso, the statement of purpose for the KGSP falls under the requirement of the Goal of Study & Study plan along with the Future Plan After Study. These are two separate essays written on a single page each. In this instance, you should present your goal of study first. That said, you have mentioned some information in this essay that you can use in the development of your study goal. The information you can use is as follows:

- The media industry in Botswana is at an infant stage so I plan to utilise my academic experience to expand my knowledge and the marketability of the industry in Botswana.

- I plan to be part of production team as a volunteer to get first hand experience and get a glimpse of the production
- Upon returning to my motherland , I will use the skills acquired to better the economy of my country.

Expand upon the above information to create your study goals. The purpose of your study is located in the first line of information. The method of your improvement is in the second line. Expand on that discussion to include the focus of the training that you hope to achieve. Finally, explain how this training will help you to improve the film making industry in your country.

Finish the study goal first. Write a full page. We will work on the post study plan next. For now, focus on the study goals. Don't confuse yourself by trying to answer the two prompts in one essay.

Writing Feedback / The percentage of four different type of films distributed in Australia and Britain in 2001 [9]

To, you have shown marked progress in the way that you approach the development of your information presentation in task 1. the data is accurate and well presented. What is lacking though, is a transition paragraph between the first and second paragraphs which would have prepared the reader and introduced the next topic for presentation in a proper manner. The transition paragraph is necessary in order to show an ability to be able to introduce related topics in a single essay. That is accomplished through the presentation of a transition paragraph. A transition paragraph would also increase your score because you will show a greater skill in the grammar accuracy portion of the test.

Your discussion in paragraph 2 could use some work in terms of presenting related information. That means you have to learn how to group the years presented for discussion, along with their related data. The collective presentation of that information (e.g. figures from 1980 to 1988 indicate a fluctuating trend...) proves a deeper understanding of the information provided which negates the possibility of a mechanical presentation of the data you have been asked to analyze.

Due to the improved work on your part and your ability to better present the information provided, I believe that you can achieve a score of at least 6. This is a far better score than you used to get. So I am sure that this is the start of your improvement in writing these task practice tests. I look forward to reading your next essays.

Please make sure that you always upload the image with the essay and double check that the image can be enlarged so that I can better review your practice test the first time that you upload the essay. Once again, good work. You are getting better at this.

Scholarship / STUDY PLAN KGSP - ANTI AGING RESEARCH PROJECT [7]

Your academic goal was already described in the motivating factor section of your letter of self introduction. There is no need to repeat that information in the study plan. That said, I really must insist that you remove the first paragraph of your essay. Focus directly on your study goal as the purpose of this essay. You need to focus on the goal itself. The goal here is to develop a product using this particular natural ingredient. That is why you are proposing an in-depth research of the plant in relation to your expected outcome.

While the rest of the essay will fall into place with the removal of the first paragraph, it is important that you also edit the final paragraph of your essay to remove the portion that you added in bold letters at the moment. The next phase of the study should be presented as a PhD proposal, which does not come until much later in your academic life.

The edits that I am proposing will help you to better finalize the content of your essay. It brings the whole research into direct focus and brings attention to the importance of your research. Once edited, the essay should enter its final form already.

Scholarship / Applying for a Ph.D. in International relations leading to diplomacy or an expatriate; KGSP SOP [4]

Nope. Remove the future study plan and I will advice you on the first essay posted. The post study plan is a separate essay topic and, as you can see from all the other KGSP scholarship study plan essays here, is posted as a separate thread. It is a separate essay because it requires a full page presentation, just like the other 2 essays that you have to develop before this one. So remove that thread or close this thread, and post a single essay with a single title for the study plan, Then advice a few students and proceed to post the post study essay after that. That is the proper procedure for posting essays here. I strongly suggest you close this thread first because you cannot edit the content anymore at this point. I'll wait for your proper posting and advice you as soon as it goes live.

Scholarship / Putting academic knowledge in practice is essential. Future plan for 2017 KGSP [6]

You are allowed to post multiple threads for different essays. You are not allowed to post more than one essay in one thread. So in this instance, you cannot post an additional essay for advice in this thread. This is dedicated solely to your post study plan. Your goal of study should be posted as a separate essay. Just remember that before you can post a new essay, you have to first help the other students here. Advice on at least 2 other essays. Make sure the advice you give is valid and helpful. Otherwise the moderators will flag your account, suspend it and close the new threads that you have created. The rules to follow here are relatively simple. I hope you can follow them so that we can continue to have a vibrant community of English learners here. Everyone appreciates any and all the advice that they can get so don't worry about it. Just make sure it is a helpful comment and you will be fine.

Scholarship / Growing up amazed by the diverse culture difference - Study plan for KGSP 2017 [11]

Yiyin, have you ever written a college thesis proposal? Do you remember the steps that you had to take in order to create your proposal? Those are the very same steps that you should take in creating this study plan. There is no difference between your college thesis proposal and a masters degree proposal. Usually they are connected research topics. In case it isn't, then don't worry you can still present a different research plan for the masters thesis.

The first think you have to think of is what your motivation for studying in Korea is. What is the focal point of your studies? What problem do you wish to resolve in your home country? What experience would you like to gain or further develop during your course of study? Create a research plan based upon the type of career you see yourself entering after you graduate. Think of the following:

1. What problem do you wish to resolve in your home country?
2. How do you plan to resolve that problem?
3. What kind of research do you have to do in order to prepare for this solution?
4. You have only 2 years to complete this research. How will you use each year to progress your research?
4. What method of research can help you develop a workable proposal for the solution to the problem?
5. How will the results of the research help you to polish your plans?
6. What results do you expect to have upon the completion of your research?

These are some of the guide questions that you can use to help you develop a proper goal of study or study plan. What you have right now is just a general essay that does not accurately present any study interests, research styles, or results consideration. It is just a personal statement, not a study goal.

Scholarship / Putting academic knowledge in practice is essential. Future plan for 2017 KGSP [6]

If you are working on both plans simultaneously, that might not be a good idea. You might wish to continue getting advice regarding the improvements for this essay. However, since I am suggesting an addition to the plan, which would change the whole presentation, then you could very well close this thread and open a new one with the additional information. It will be considered a new essay because a majority of the content will have changed. I really suggest that you work on your study plan first because the results of that study can be applied to your post study or future plans. Specially in relation to your father's business. It might serve your purpose to close this essay thread first. The decision is actually yours to make. Either way, I will help you with the development of your study plan.

Scholarship / STUDY PLAN KGSP - ANTI AGING RESEARCH PROJECT [7]

Paragraphs 3.4.5. and 6 are more than sufficient to represent your goal of study along with your study plan. It carries all of the required elements that can inform the reviewer about the background of your study, the influence of that background, and what your study will be all about. So, in order to fill the page, you have to expand upon the discussions in these paragraphs. I know that you summarized the content of the aforementioned paragraphs because of the 3 paragraphs that I am asking you to remove. Now is your chance to further explain the reasons and motivation behind your research. How do you see this research changing the face of organic cosmetics in the future? Discuss the potential form that this product might take. Perhaps it will be cream? Lotion? Ointment? Shower gel? Creative thinking will play a role here because you are essentially doing a product development for your research. So think about the presentation and inform the reviewer about it.

Essays / Oedipus the king - essay on fate (thesis, so what question, arguments) [2]

Oyumergen, you definitely need to include the title and author in your thesis statement. That is how the professor will be introduced to the topic of your essay. Sometimes, it is best to approach the discussion of this sort of essay by choosing a particular act or scene from the play that you feel best illustrates the point you are trying to make. If you want to really get into a discussion on the topic, you could analyze the Oedipus Complex that was first introduced in this play. Discuss which actions in particular brought the fate upon him. While keeping in mind that his actions were all meant to help him not realize the fate that the gods had set for him. This could be the "so what" question of your essay. Why should I care that he was trying to not fulfill the prophecy? Why should I care that in his gallant efforts to not make his predicated fate a reality, he ran off and did exactly the opposite? The importance of your thesis should lie in how you understood the actions of Oedipus to be reckless when there are those who believe in the opposite. As for the arguments that can support your thesis, you are on your own there buddy. You need to read the complete text and pick the quotes that you think work with your research. The text you pick depends upon the arguments you will be presenting. Since I do not know about the full context of your research and arguments, I can't help you out with the quotes.

Scholarship / Study Plan, From Interior to Industrial design [2]

Anastasiia, in order to properly develop an accurate goal of study and study plan, you first need to have an idea in mind for your project. How do you develop your project idea? First you need to have an issue or problem to resolve. Since you are focusing on the technology of things that can make life easier for the senior citizens, not old age people, and the handicapped, then you should find a common problem between the two groups that you can address via further research or technological development as a graduate student. For example, a common problem is that these people have a problem when it comes to bringing their groceries in from their cars. So your solution will be to develop a machine that uses technology to get the groceries from the car and take the bags into the house. Develop a thesis statement around the problem and propose a solution to it. Explain the method by which you will conduct the research, and how you hope it will help those who need the machine in the future. That will cover the required elements of the study plan / goal of study.

Scholarship / My study with respect to Nigeria's quest to recover from issues threatening it's security. [2]

Chinwendu, in the first paragraph. present the government initiative first, then follow it up with with the reason why you are studying the masters degree in relation to it. All you have to do is flip the positions of the paragraph. Place the last part at the start and the first part at the end. You don't have to revise any content in the paragraph, just change the positions.

Your second paragraph can very well be divided into 2 more paragraphs. Create a new paragraph where you discuss the foundation that you plan in creating. That way you create an easier to read essay that has a better flow of discussion. By the way, you need to indicate some of the government security institutions that you will consider joining upon graduation. That will show that the government program is real and that your skills will have an eventual application.

By the way, you have not represented how you the scholarship committee will be able to accurately measure the success of your programs. That is a required element so create a new paragraph that will detail how you plan to allow the measurement of success of the program after a year or so.

Writing Feedback / The percentage of four different type of films distributed in Australia and Britain in 2001 [9]

To, when you upload the image, please make sure that it can be enlarged by the users of the forum. The image you uploaded is useless because it cannot be enlarged so that it can serve as a guide in considering the information that you wrote. Without the image, an accurate analysis of your work cannot be done. I suggest that you upload a usable version of the image in the next thread. This time, check the image after uploading to make sure that we can actually enlarge it for use.

I will not score your work this time due to the problem with the image. However, I like the way that you have started to come across in the essay. You have shown a clear progression of thought and you no longer sound like you are just repeating the information that you found in the illustration. So you earn points for that in my book, but it may not be enough to increase your score overall. It all depends upon what other information I find in the diagram. So please upload it soon for a more thorough analysis of your essay.

Writing Feedback / Students should take priority to living away from home than sharing place with their parents [7]

Do, since this essay clearly asks you to agree or disagree with the opinion provided, you must clearly indicate that you are in agreement with the proposal by saying "I agree with this belief for a number of reasons which will be discussed shortly." Speaking of which, you are severely under the minimum 250 word count requirement, which will have a severe negative effect on your final score Always try to write the minimum number in order to at least get a decent task accuracy mark. While your discussion is sound and really carries weight, the fact that you are under the word count means that there could have been further development and justification for your belief in the statement. That is why I do not think that this essay can score any more than a 4 in an actual setting.

Essays / 1984 Quotes/Thesis for Fear [3]

I think you mean that you need to write a 5 paragraph essay on the novel 1984? The novel is different from the year. The structure of your essay could be in relation to the way that the big Brother syndrome in the novel has become a reality in the 21st century. Do a comparison of the fears that existed there, from the "fake news" released by the government, the fear of the people when it comes to the government and how it can manage to control even the thoughts of the citizens. The theme of fear to love someone is a strong sentiment in the novel as well. You have to read the novel itself in order to gain a better idea of the types of fear represented there that are now a reality. Your 3 thesis points can easily be developed after you read the novel. i already offered you 2 possible thesis points. As for the quotes, you again, have to read the novel and use the quotes that strike you as relevant to the discussion you wish to present. Or, you can do a simple search for the novel and fear related quotes from it.

Scholarship / I come from a home full of love, morals, and education. Self Introduction - KGSP Scholarship [5]

You have focused too much on your parents this time around. See how I indicated that each section should only have one paragraph dedicated to the discussion? Once again, you failed to understand and follow simple instructions. You over discussed all of the elements that I presented in the essay. While Grammarly did a decent job, the problem now lies in the way that you decided to write a creative essay instead of an academic essay. Go back and review the essay based upon the instructions that I gave you. Edit the content to reflect only the most important information as per the indicated requirements. I will not do that for you because the essay is too long and it will require the condensing of most information in multiple paragraphs into a single paragraph. Only you can do that. How will you know if you are anywhere near what you have been instructed to do? When your essay fills a single page, font size 10 at Times New Roman font, there is a very good possibility that you have done exactly that.

Scholarship / A renewable energy - essay for study plan KGSP, department of energy engineering [11]

Handayani, your methodology is very precise and descriptive. The way you have worded it makes me wonder if you have done this experiment before? If you have, will this research be an expansion of that previous research? If so, then you should mention that this will be a continuation of previous research based upon your college thesis. Explain the college thesis and how it progressed into this current research. There is no clear expected outcome for your study plan. You need to explain what your expected outcome is for this experiment before you explain what the significance of this research is. The study plan is gaining a clearer form now. There are still some research points that need to be represented though. Complete the expected outcome part and the essay will be finalized.

Letters / A professor request for recommendation letter email [6]

Ting, you have to consider that the professor who will be writing your recommendation letter needs to have some sort of familiarity with you as a student. This is because the professor needs to have been able to observe you actions as a student, must have been able to create an impression about your academic skills based on your interpretation of class requirements, and also, needs to understand your mindset as a potential masters degree student based upon conversations that you have had with him. That is why the recommendation letters are normally written by either a professor with whom you have a close academic relationship with, or your college thesis adviser. These are the people who are best qualified to write this recommendation letter.

If you believe that the professor does not remember you and has no ability to write a personal observation due to the facts that you stated here (you worked on group projects and studied alone), then this is not the right professor for the job. The letter has to be written by a professor upon whom you have made an impression. Providing him with your personal data and other documents will not help in this instance. Unless you write the recommendation letter yourself and just have the professor sign it. Which sounds like a good idea but once the university reviewer realizes it was not written by the professor, your application will lose credibility.

Rather than asking the professor to write a letter for you based upon the documents you will be sending, ask him to write a recommendation letter for you based upon what he remember about you. Don't provide him with any documents. Ask him to use the documents he has on file or the university has on file about you. That way the content of the letter will not be suspect. Providing him with documents will make it sound like you are trying to influence the letter.

Why are you mentioning a gender rights discussion in your letter? Please remove that. It does not matter at this point because you are not applying for a scholarship or something that asks you about gender rights. You are asking for a letter of recommendation. Therefore, you should only focus on your personal and professional motivation for your masters studies. That is all the professor needs to know. Revise all of the content of your second paragraph to reflect only the clear motivation or reason for your interest in higher studies.

Writing Feedback / Ask a friend for some help regarding a part time job [5]

NIlendra, there are number of problems with this essay. The main problem that it has is that you only wrote the required elements of the letter, without considering the tone and presentation. Content-wise, the essay covers the basics, writing ability wise, you have a long way to go when it comes to writing a "friendly" letter in English.

You need to be conscious of your grammar rules. University names are capitalized when written as that is the proper name of a place. You also need to give more details about your study plan in order to convince your friend that you will really need help once you get to the U.S.

Bear in mind that you are supposed to be writing to a friend. Someone whom you have known for a period of time. Hence, the letter should have a warm and hopeful tone in it. Instead, you order your friend to find you a job. As if it is this person's responsibility to gainfully employ you somehow just because you are coming to her country. That is not how a friend would approach this. It has to be a request, based upon specific information. An example of how to write this letter would be :

Dear Kate,

Remember how we use to kid about me coming to America someday? How you would love to show me around and help me get used to a culture so far and different from mine? We thought that was just a piped dream right? Well, I actually worked on making that dream a reality for us. I am finally coming to America as a college student!

I hope you are as excited as I am. I will be attending Indiana State University this coming semester as a Journalism freshman. Yes, it is the same university that you are attending at the moment. The idea of attending the same school as you really has me giddy with anticipation for my coming school year. However, my excitement is facing a slight hitch.

Since my parents can only afford to cover my tuition and school related expenses, they won't be sending me an allowance. They only agreed to let me study in the US if I can provide for myself in other aspects. So I was wondering, is there a chance that you can help me find a part time job?

I know that you work at Bob's Burger as a part-timer. Do you think they can hire an extra hand? I'm available to work afternoons since I only have classes in the morning. If they can't, I hope you can help me track down other part time work possibilities? You know that I will greatly appreciate all the help you can give me while I work on assimilating into the American way of life.

I'll email you the details of my arrival as soon as I have my ticket. I am looking forward to arriving before school starts so that we can spend some time together while I look for work. See you soon !

Your friend,

Based on the above example, I hope you can understand why the score of your essay cannot be higher than a 4.

Scholarship / Putting academic knowledge in practice is essential. Future plan for 2017 KGSP [6]

Your essay is just a mere repetition of the information that you used in your motivation letter. Thus, it does not accurately represent a solid post graduate plan. This fixation with Samsung is one of the main problems in your career plan. you should be open to working for any company in Morea that will hire you after you graduate. Do not put all your eggs in one basket. If Samsung decides not to hire you, I feel you will not be able to proceed with an employment plan during your required time of stay in Korea. Your post study plans should focus less on the company and more on developing your practical experience in reference to your theoretical learning as a masters student.

The later part of your essay is confusing as well. You mentioned something about your father starting his own business when he was young. Was he able to grow this business? Does it still exist today? Do your post study plans include a responsibility to help improve the business platform your father started?

This essay should actually be one full page. You still have room for at least 2 more paragraphs on your page. Revise the content of the essay based upon this review. Add information. Reflect on the best type of post study plan for yourself, within this career. Don't rely on your motivational presentation. Try to develop new post study ideas and clarify the point about your father's business. Those changes should tie in to create a more comprehensive post study plan.

Scholarship / Commonwealth Scholarships in the United Kingdom - Benefits to home country essay [7]

Bigie, the requirement of the scholarship is that your field of study for the masters degree must be involved or part of an ongoing national development priority or objective. You have not mentioned any government related project that would back the need for more Oncologists in your country. The reference to Ban Ki Moon at the start of the essay is misplaced and does not relate to the actual prompt requirements. I strongly suggest that you do research in the government health sector that better ties in with your desire to gain a masters degree in Oncology. Without the government relationship, you will not be able to accurately represent how an accurate and progressive measurement of the success of your post study plan can be measured. Find the connection first and then revise the essay based upon your new information. Right now, this essay is good but lacks the solid foundation that a government supported project can bring to the essay.

Scholarship / Applying for a Ph.D. in International relations leading to diplomacy or an expatriate; KGSP SOP [4]

Patience, I will not be able to help you with this essay because you are panicking and in the process, breaking the rules set for the use of this forum. You must only post one essay per thread, not two essays. So close this thread, open a new one, post one essay, then create another thread and post the other essay there. Will you please calm down! This is not the time for you to be panicking! I will be unable to help you if you are so nervous that you cannot even follow instructions at this point! Post the essays in the proper manner then I will help you. Calm down. You will accomplish nothing this way. Do it properly or risk getting suspended. If you are suspended, all the more you will panic because you will be on your own. Work on one essay at a time. Otherwise, you will work yourself into an unnecessary frenzy. You have time to do that, provided that you calm down first.

Scholarship / I come from a home full of love, morals, and education. Self Introduction - KGSP Scholarship [5]

Patience, do me a favor and use a dictionary and thesaurus when you revise this essay. Use only words that are in the English language, do not make them up as you did in some instances in this essay. There is no such word as graduatant. The correct term is "graduate".

Remember when I told you not to use Grammarly because it was changing the essence of your poems? Remember that I said it only works for formal documents? Guess what? You now have your chance to use Grammarly to your heart's content. Write the essay in your native language this time and use Grammarly to translate it. I think the software will be able to help you tremendously this time around.

I need you to focus on specific discussions when you revise this essay. I will give you an outline to discuss specific topics, per paragraph. Follow it. Make sure you deliver the prompt requirements in chronological order. That means, in the order that I will be assigning the discussion to you in the outline.

1. Family background, your parents jobs, their influence on you in relation to your point of view about life and how they inspired your dreams and aspirations for your future.

2. Educational background. Focus on college. Explain how you qualified to study in the UK. Was this on a scholarship? What was your major? How does your work for the football clubs relate to that?

3. Professional experience. Where you worked or are working now. What your position is. What the duties are. How did this experience help you realize that you need additional training by taking a masters course? What circumstances motivated your desire to enroll in the masters course? Please clarify the course title, I can't really figure it out based upon what you have written.

4. Leaving out the discussion about your mandatory military service, what would you say are the reasons that you decided to study in Korea? What did you base this decision upon? Relate the reason to the Korean educational system and culture. Or base it upon the requirements of your masters degree that you feel studying in Korea can best service.

It is really hard to follow the discussion in your essay because you are jumping from one topic to another without relating them. So I need you to focus on representing your discussion using the outline I provided. This will help you fall into the required information presentation for the letter. Write in your vernacular this time and use Grammarly to translate it to English, I would like to see what kind of results the software will deliver and if it will be at the proper academic level of writing. Good luck!

Scholarship / My unforgettable experiences at the private school; letter of self-introduction (KGSP) [13]

Like I said, you need not have asked for my approval for this essay. I already pre-approved it based upon the remaining edits that I advised you to undertake. You applied the changes, it finalized the content of the essay. This is as ready as it can be for use on your end. There is nothing more to be done at this point. It is as good as it can be. The grammar reflects your actual English abilities and mindset, all of which helped to make this essay an interesting read. Your voice and discussions are clear enough to be understood and relate to the prompt. Now is the best time to stop with the revisions of this paper. It is good to go. It's ready to be submitted. Move on to the next two essays that are required as part of your application now.

Scholarship / STUDY PLAN KGSP - ANTI AGING RESEARCH PROJECT [7]

Paragraphs 1, 2, and 7 are not necessary in this essay. The first 2 paragraphs are nothing more than useless word fillers as they do not relate to the actual study goal and plan that you have in mind for your masters thesis The removal of those paragraphs will bring the actual goal discussion up to the top, which is exactly where the reviewer needs that information to be. Your last paragraph which discusses the minor actions that you need to accomplish and undertake before working on the thesis research is unnecessary as well. Just focus on the actual thesis presentation, methodology, and expected outcome. You already have those parts in this essay. So when you delete the unnecessary paragraphs, you will have a presentable study plan to attach to your scholarship application.

Scholarship / Plan to applying for the KGSP for Graduate Degree via Embassy this year [7]

Echa, this sounds more like a personal statement for a college application at this point. It still presents itself too lightly and does not follow the required elements that the essay requires. Your statement are nowhere near what I instructed. The information is still mixed up. Let me see if I can get you to better revise this essay by offering some guidelines regarding your statements of an example of how the discussion should flow.

I was born in Marseilles of Indonesian parents. I moved back to Indonesia as a child where my parents lived their lives while raising the family. My stayed at home to care for us while my father worked as a business consultant. Their life ethic was " Anything can be accomplished through effort and hard work". That belief has been the guiding beacon in my life up to the present. It was my father's influence as a business consultant that opened my eyes to the fascinating world of business management. So it was no wonder that I enrolled in a business management course as a high school student.

I attended college at XXX where I was recognized as a student who excelled in... That is why it did not come as a surprise to anyone when I began working part time as a business consultant.

I worked part time for (company) from my third year of college. The experience I gained there as valuable as I was in charge of... This additional practical training helped to prepare me for better things upon my graduation in (year of graduation).

Upon graduation I worked at ... where I was immersed in...I saw that there was a need for better (indicate business management problem) and decided that I needed to be one of those who should be able to help solve it.

This motivating factor led me to the decision to apply for (course) masters studies in Korea. I find it logical to enroll in a university in Korea because...

My interest in Korea is more than just academic in nature. I am drawn to... Which is why I think I would get a well rounded development as a student and person in Korea.

The above is an example of how to approach the presentation of your essay. Please consider following the information format when you work on your next revision. The format above is more suited towards the prompt expectations of the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / This essay will discuss the main reasons for increase the crime rate [5]

NIlendra, there is a clear misunderstanding of the prompt which has led me to believe that you cannot score higher than a 3 for this essay. The main problem, is that you are not actually discussing the causes of crimes in the general manner that the discussion requires. Instead you focused on cyber crime and firearms misuse. Which generally are the accessories to the crime, not the cause of the crime. The main causes of crime that you should have discussed include, poverty, lack of education, lack of jobs, etc. These are the commonly known reasons for crime which are acceptable and easy to defend in this essay. The method by which these crimes can be dealt with would also be as simple as saying, improving the educational system, keeping people in school, encouraging them to attend vocational school, or having the government pay to train the people for jobs. Your response ran counter to the prompt expectations and did not really deliver an acceptable solution to the proposed problem. You have to first, understand the prompt topic and instructions before you can accurately outline the essay and discuss it. If you feel confused as to the proposed essay discussion, ask someone who has good English comprehension skills to explain it to you.

Scholarship / Diarrhea in Ende. Why choice of the particular program? Supporting statement for AAS [2]

Kornelius, the presentation of the problem in this essay is good. However, you detailed only the problems and the causes of these problems. In order to create a believable statement regarding why you chose this proposed course and institution, the reviewer needs to know that you have recognized a potential solution to the problem. So the reason that you chose this particular university directly relates to the method by which you can research the problem and present a solid solution based upon your current idea. So you will need to revise the overall essay to clearly state the following:

1. History of the problem
2. Your current work position that exposed you the problem.
3. A hypothetical solution to the problem you have created.
4. Explain how the university you chose and the course of study will help you create a working solution to the problem based upon your hypothesis.