Scholarship / Coordinating people, communicating, sharing ideas and motivating to achieve the desired goal [3]

Nice work Reem. However, you still need to provide additional details regarding your leadership and employment skills in order to give the reviewer a better idea of the qualities and traits that you embody as a leader. While you are right that leadership is not a mere title nor position held, as an applicant being asked to demonstrate your leadership skills and influence, you are required to go into greater detail regarding your participation in the activities that you mentioned. So that means that;

1. In paragraph 2, when you discuss your time at Balance General Trading, you need to describe the reasons you got hired for the job in the first place. Give the reviewer an idea as to why the company may have decided to eventually give you full time employment. From the point of full time employment, you need to deliver examples of your leadership and influencing skills, or at least the foundation for it since these skills develop over time.

2. A review of paragraph 2 and 3 in your essay has shown that the two paragraphs should actually be combined into one paragraph. The information you are relaying pertains to the same work position and therefore, should be discussed as a single experience. As you discuss your responsibilities as a leader towards the customers, try to recount a moment when you had to intervene in a situation that could have escalated between management and the customer had you not intervened. That will be your influencing example. As a leader, try to add some information about how you increased the overall performance and profit of the company through your leadership. I know that I keep asking you for examples and justifications but in these sorts of essay, it is demanded that you do so in order to help the reviewer analyze your true potential as a future leader and influential person.

3. You have two stand alone thoughts at the end of your essay. Just combine those lines into a solid closing paragraph. You can't have paragraphs shorter than 3 sentences. From all points, it seems like these lines complement each other so just link them up into one comprehensive thought.

Scholarship / "Follow excellence and the success will chase you" - my Swiss scholarship motivation letter [10]

Basma, you may add a reference to any seminar or conference you attended outside of the masters degree course. You don't need to list the classes / seminars that you attended under the direction of the course. Make sure that you include information about the topics covered and what you learned from the seminar / conference. Explain how you see yourself applying these lessons in your future employment as well.

You say that you just graduated a month ago from your masters course? Congratulations then. You have accomplished the first part of your task. Was there any chance that you managed to attend some sort of hands on training or maybe you participated in some sort of internship program during this time? Those events can take the place of and are quite acceptable as "work experience" in relation to your masters degree. It is important that you depict some sort of real world application for what you have learned so that you can justify the need for your PhD course.

Normally, it takes a few years after completing the masters degree course before a professional goes for his PhD. Since you are jump-starting your career then we need to find creative ways of delivering the demands of this course in terms of requirements and experience. Tell me about your work related activities in line with your masters that you have done over the past month. I am sure there are at least one or two that we can spin into the work experience or additional training requirements that you need. How about the research aspect? Do you think you have any ideas for a research project that we can develop together? These are all ideas that I am offering to you in an effort to try and improve the content of your paper :-) I hope these ideas will be useful to you.

Undergraduate / Honor Game -- "we are unique no matter what" life motto (Personal Essay) [4]

Aya, I am sorry to have to tell you this but you totally missed the mark when it comes to writing a personal statement. The statement is supposed to be written in essay / narrative format. It has nothing to do with writing a letter. Did you already apply to colleges and universities or are you simply trying to write a statement on your own without any prompt? Maybe I can help get you on to the right track with regards to writing one. Let me give it a try.

When you write a personal statement, try to write about a topic that you find highly interesting and significant to you. A really effective personal statement is always based upon your self reflection. The topic is open and therefore, can cover any topic that you want to discuss. If you wish to discuss the importance of honor to you, the go ahead and do so. Just make sure that you can connect the topic of honor with your background. The purpose of this essay is to introduce yourself to the reviewer. Therefore, you need to make sure that you introduce your strongest traits or beliefs in the essay.

That is why I thought that it might be advantageous for your essay to discuss the gender issue in relation to honor. However, that should not be the focus of the essay. Instead, your honor discussion should center upon your background in relation to your belief in the honor system. Revise the essay to use your first person pronouns instead. Rather than "you", say "I" or "me" where applicable. Discuss the world of honor that you grew up in. Then relate that world to the person you have become today and how you see yourself applying your personal honor code while a student at the university.

Keep in mind though, that some universities include a common essay prompt regarding their "honor code". Should you come across a university that does that, you won't be able to use this essay. So maybe you would like to discuss something else instead? Just in case. You can discuss anything that will help the reviewer get to know you. Topics such as how you developed an interest in this particular college major or who influenced you to pursue a particular career path are some common topics for personal statements. Try to come up with a unique topic that will ensure that the reviewer will remember your personal statement when the time comes.

It may also turn out easier for you if you just wait for the application packets from the universities and then you can just choose and respond to the common prompts that you will be provided with. With any luck, a specific prompt will be provided for your personal statement essay. That will make it easier for you to write.

Undergraduate / Honor Game -- "we are unique no matter what" life motto (Personal Essay) [4]

Aya, listen, I am not sure about how to review your essay. I have some questions about it such as, why is it written in letter format? If it is supposed to be a personal essay, what are the instructions you were given for writing it? I need the instructions to help me determine the quality of your essay. How soon can you post your teacher's instructions here? It is really necessary that you do that. Otherwise, the essay you will receive may not be as applicable as it should be.

When you say honor seeking community, who or what exactly are you addressing? Is there a main issue to be addressed in this essay? You seem to have a number of topics related to honor going on simultaneously. However, the most important one, you seem to have placed towards the end of the essay. The issue about gender identity should be up on the page. I think you can even skip the discussion about your aunt and uncle because that type of honor is something totally different from the gender identity honor discussion. By the way, good job on discussing that part. It was an enlightening discussion.

I believe that this essay is running a bit longer than it should be. However, I am not sure as to how to edit it so that we can focus the content in the hopes of shortening the essay. That is something I can only do after I have received the complete instructions from you. The grammar errors that exist are minimal and can easily be corrected once the final version of the essay has been created. Was this just an exercise in writing class for you? If it was, I have to say, you have the potential to be a great writer in the future :-)

Scholarship / My former supervisor at Tanzania Cigarette Company had the best leadership and influencing skills [12]

Msonga, don't use linkedin as one of your networking examples. Use only physical interaction networking examples in this instance. The reason you have to do that is because the internet network connections that one makes, unless it is first based upon a real time meeting or experience, can be questionable in nature. You never know what kind of person you are networking with. So any internet based network that you have should not be mentioned. While the internet is an excellent place to create networks, it is also the most dangerous place to do so. It is best to avoid an internet based network in this instance.

Try to explain more about how you developed your network in college, through sports, and at your office. The overview that you offer does not really portray your networking abilities so it does not really strengthen the essay. Please consider using better examples to prove your networking skills. For example, you can explain that your office sent you to an out of town conference where you met with various market players and stock brokers. Explain how you networked with them. What activities did you participate in that helped you create this network? Did you ever make the first move with regards to creating a network. For example, did you ever introduce yourself to an important person without looking for a contact first? How did that go for you? Was it successful? Did the time ever come when you needed to ask that person for a favor? How did it go? That will be a clear example of how you use your networking skills.

Try to present a separate paragraph that explains the kind of network you wish to build for your profession in the future. Then elaborate upon how you see this network helping to advance your career goals or objectives in the future. That is one part of the essay prompt that you were not able to completely address in your current essay.

Undergraduate / Just overnight, the family I was familiar with has disappeared, leaving only me and my father... [14]

Fengrui, the background story that you came up with really portrays your development as a person. It shows a depth of intellectual, emotional, and physical maturity that could only have come from the type of life experience that you had. The fact that you managed to recover from the death of your mother and create a better relationship with your father speaks volumes about the strength of character that you have within you. In my opinion, this is a very usable and concrete background statement. It fits the prompt perfectly. It just needs to be adjusted at certain points.

One of the things that you should do to make the essay stronger, is to focus less on the responsibilities that you took on after your mother's death. Kevin was right when it said that theme belongs more in the transition prompt. Instead, you can talk about the background of your relationship with your father and how it improved after your mother died. From what I gather, he was an absentee father for most of the time that your mother was alive. Am I right? In which case, you can make the background story about how you and he repaired your relationship as father and son.

Use that as the theme for your background story with the goal of presenting yourself as a son who thought he was alone in the world after his mother died, only to realize that your father was actually there all along for you. I see you picking up and developing this new theme for your essay from the following point after you discuss your mother's death:

"My father and I were both quiet men, so we did not have many deep conversations as my mother and I used to have. Both of us were trying our best to be a family. However, both of us were struggling. It was just not the same without mother."

The part of the current essay about the triathlon that you participated in and the fact that your father supported you shows that the dynamic of your relationship with your father is different. Just like your mother, he too is supportive of you. Just not in the same way. I was specially impressed by your discussion of how you came to realize that your family was dynamic in a way. Just skip the part about the way you had to take on more adult responsibilities and instead, talk about how you now support each other in a way that will make your mother proud.

This type of essay asks you to do one thing, define who you have become after having lived all this time. In this case, the death of your mother helped you realize that you needed to fix your relationship with your father. So her death influenced your life in a way.

How would you define yourself and what influences in your life led you down your current path? You said so yourself;

We might not meet the traditional definition of a perfect family, but we found ways to care for and support each other.

So talk about this new, non traditional family that you and your father have created. Shed light on how your personal relationship has grown and how your father has now come to influence your life in the same way your mother did. That is still part of your background story. This is an open topic essay, so you don't have to worry about delivering the correct response to the prompt. Any narrative that you choose to tell will be the correct response. This is a very flexible essay topic in terms of prompt requirements. So use it to your benefit. You just need to make sure you choose the right topic from the choices provided. I really believe you have a background story to tell here.

Graduate / Economics Ph.D. SOP - need advice for expunging redundant information [7]

Hi Yingchin :-) I understand why you might get confused while writing your SOP. If you were not required to write one for your masters course in your country, then trying to write one for foreign school acceptance could really mix you up. It isn't that hard to write this type of essay though and with the proper help and guidance, you should be able to do this :-) Don't worry, I'll help you as best as I can.

While all the websites that you refer to online will tell you that the limit of the SOP should be 1000 words, I always tell the kids writing these essays that you are not supposed to, nor obligated to write 1000 words if the result will be that your essay will be too long, verbose, and contain confusing information about you. As far as I am concerned the rule of thumb is this; when writing your sop write no less than 500 words but no more than 700. That is the perfect middle count for an SOP. 700 is a number that allows you to write an SOP that will contain information relevant to your course. It is also the number that is most likely to keep the reviewer reading your essay to the very end.

It is important to keep your essay as short, but informative as possible because the reviewer has to read anywhere from 500 to 1000 of these essays per day. Normally, the longer the essay is, the less inclined he is to read everything that you have to say. That is why it is very important to place all the pertinent information related to your purpose within the first 2 paragraphs of your essay. The tendency will be to lose the interest of the reviewer as the essay begins to go on and on, racing towards 1000 words.

Would you mind if I don't edit this essay as you have it written now? I would like to try something with you instead which hopefully, will help you focus and shorten the length of your essay. I'll give you some guide questions and instructions to help you revise the essay in the proper manner. The guide goes this way:

1. What is your current profession? When did you finish your masters degree? In what course? How did that help you advance your career?
2. What is your PhD concentration? Why does this seem like the logical next step from your masters degree? What relevant work experience do you have that will benefit from this additional study?

3. Do you plan on doing any specific research while pursuing your PhD? What will its concentration be? Of what use will this research be to the future of your career? At this point, you should mention if you have any previous research experience and with whom. We will be trying to establish your accomplishments and skills as a researcher.

4. Is there a professor at the university who is currently performing his own research in relation to your own possible research? Talk about who it is and mention that you hope to work as his assistant should you become a student at the university.

5. Wrap up the essay by explaining how you see the university assisting you directly in the pursuit of your PhD and the completion of your research work.

Following this guide should help you shorten the content of your essay while retaining the important factors that need to be represented in it. I hope that you will find this useful as you revise your essay :-) We might still need to revise some content of your revised essay, but at least you will be closer to delivering the actual requirements of a PhD SOP than you are at this moment.

Undergraduate / Race, Time, Competition - the common app main essay topic 1 2015 [4]

Bowen, this type of essay asks you to either pick one of the topics or all of the topics to discuss in your essay. If you happen to have an opportunity to connect all 3 in your essay then you should go ahead and do so. Otherwise, it doesn't really matter if you skip one or two characteristics in your essay. Sometimes, just concentrating on one works very well for the essay. For others, 2 topics helps build a better picture of who they are. In your case, I think you wrote the perfect essay based upon your background and identity that is quite vital to your development as a person.

Maybe your brother would have approached this essay differently. That is why he felt like you needed to develop the skill aspect a bit more. you have to understand that your idea regarding how to write this essay is different from your brothers. That is why there is a difference in opinion between the two of you. Just because he thinks you should have written the essay a particular way, doesn't mean that you did not do well in your essay. It just means that he has a different idea regarding how to best answer this essay when compared to yours.

The only person who can really assess if you have any shortcoming in the way this essay has been written is the person who originally wrote it. That means you. If you are satisfied with what you have written and you know that you have done your best to satisfy the prompt requirements then rest assured that the essay you wrote is the best that it can be. You of all people should know if the essay represents what the prompt requires. So if you are confident in your work, then the opinion of others really doesn't matter.

Scholarship / Community leadership involvement initative; voluntary attachment with a community information center [7]

Emmanuel, I have come up with an 86 word sample for your use in revising your statement. I am not sure if you were part of the batch that was supposed to take the test or not so I worded it in such a way that your participation could have gone either way, as a test taker or as a person who already took the test before. You have enough word allowance left to make the necessary clarifications. if you opt not to use this version and come up with something totally new for yourself.

About a month before the 2014 Basic Education Certificate Examination, the teachers went on strike. The senior and junior classes were in the middle of exam preparations when this happened. I took it upon myself to reach out to the graduated senior students in the hopes that we could band together and help these students review for the test. The graduated seniors really made a positive impact on the lives of the students as their labor of love resulted in the 2014 batch passing the test.

Again, you don't always have to use the maximum word count. Just use enough words to prove that you can coherently express yourself in English. Make sure that your response is in accordance with the expectations of the instruction and use simple words to create your statement if need be. All that matters is that you get your response across in a manner that can be understood by anyone reading it.

Scholarship / Community leadership involvement initative; voluntary attachment with a community information center [7]

My version comes in at under 100 words. I have 98 words in my version of your statement. I hope that you will use this as an example of how to write these sorts of statements in the future. Here is my version, based upon your original work:

I had dreams of becoming a journalist straight out of high school. That is why I volunteered my services at the community information center. I concentrated on bringing our broken down footbridge, the link between our town and the next, to the attention of the local government. My work finally landed on the desk of the District Chief Executive. Impressed by my tenacity, he donated 20 bags of cement and other construction materials for the repair of our bridge. He asked that I be placed in charge of the materials to make sure that the work got done.

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When you write statements like these, remember that the goal is to be as clear as possible using less than the maximum word count. This is a test that is supposed to prove your ability to express yourself in an understandable manner using the English language. So make sure to apply yourself and concentrate on what you want to say. Write several short versions until you get one that is under the word limit but understandable to most readers. You may need to have other people read your work in this case to make sure that the clarity of your story or response is there.

Undergraduate / HKU Personal Statement: If I could have one superpower, I would want to read other people's minds [2]

Angel, I like the slant that you have about "reading people's minds". It is something that resonates with people because there are really instances when we keep our thoughts to ourselves because of certain fears or apprehensions. As far as you essay is concerned though, I believe that you should concentrate the discussion solely upon how you, as a future psychologist will manage to read the minds of your patients and help them find happiness. Keep in mind that psychiatrists generally concentrate on mental disorders while psychologists help patients analyze their feelings and deal with stress factors in their lives. So as a psychologist, you actually have the opportunity to read people's minds. You will also have the clear opportunity to work with those special people like the ones at Sunshine homes because you could end up working for schools and other related facilities.

Psychiatrists actually deal with a different area of mental needs so bringing it up in your essay in the manner that you did shows a clear misunderstanding of the definition of the two career paths. My advice to you is to drop the reference to psychiatry in your essay and instead, concentrate on psychology and the ability it provides you to "read people's minds" because, if you do more research about this particular career, you will find that the bottom line of this practice is to help people find their happiness in their lives. Which is exactly what you want to do :-) Seriously, you need to learn about the difference between the two and adjust the essay to discuss the more relevant and appropriate career choice in relation to "reading people's minds." Right now, it is obvious that you do not really know the background of your career choice. Which is why you sound so confused and undecided throughout the essay.

Before I launch into the grammar corrections for your essay, I would like you to first revise the essay content based upon the pointers I gave you. Conduct deeper research into psychology so that you can create a better discussion about how this is the career path that will help you assist others in finding their happiness. Then, use that information to refocus your essay. Ensure that you keep the story about the school because that could be the basis for your career path.

We need to make sure that you discuss only your actual career choice in the essay. Don't confuse the reviewer by saying you chose one path then changed your mind and decided upon another. That will just tell the reviewer that you are indecisive and could potentially be a student who cannot decide upon her major so you won't be an asset to the student community. Most specially, do not place the references to that confusion at the all too important top of the essay. Once a reviewer reads that he will definitely be enticed to simply set aside your essay instead of reading it through to the end.

Scholarship / "Follow excellence and the success will chase you" - my Swiss scholarship motivation letter [10]

Hi Basma, I have to say, you really have an impressive veterinary background. Your letter is complete to a great degree and states all of your plans for your future career. This is a highly impressive draft letter of motivation. I call it a draft because it has to be shortened in length and edited for content. We need to make sure that only the truly relevant information, and not information that can be found in the additional documents that you will be submitting to the reviewer will be included. At this point, we need to avoid a repetition of information since information regarding your undergraduate studies and masters degree course are part of the documents that your reviewer will be considering and verifying for validity and accuracy. So, which paragraphs should we remove from the essay? In my opinion, we can delete paragraph 1-2.

Remember that you have already completed your masters degree and have advanced your career skills and profession to a far greater degree than you did during your undergraduate studies. Therefore, the undergrad reference is now irrelevant to your application. As a PhD applicant, the pertinent information you should include must cover your further training received or seminars attended after you completed your masters degree. These are the career related information on your end that will have an impact on your possible PhD enrollment. The idea is that you need to prove that you have reached a point in your career where you are now not just a regular employee, but a person who has the ability to lead and improve the field of expertise you participate in.

What I would like you to do instead, is highlight your accomplishments after you completed your masters degree. I believe that is a discussion that you presented in Paragraph 3. So that will now become paragraph 1. Paragraph 2, should now reflect the particular PhD research that you plan to undertake. Don't describe your plan for research as you did in your current paragraph. Instead, come up with an interesting title for it, then describe the goal of the research. That is a move that is aimed at showing the reviewer how you plan to spend your time as a PhD student and how the university can expect you to perform as a student there. Remember, these universities have study grants that you can use to help you begin and continue your research. Provided you can sell them on your research idea and you can find a specific professor whose study aligns with yours and thus, can serve as your mentor.

I don't have any problem with the information that you present in the latter part of your letter. It is helpful in the sense that it outlines your plans for your career after graduation. Reviewers always like to see those future plans because it means that you are serious about these studies and you will most likely complete the course. So, research plan + future career plans = interesting motivational letter.

Here's hoping that my advice can help you further improve your motivation letter. I hope I can read its revision in the future :-)

Undergraduate / The Scary 11ft Swimming Test PERSONAL NARRATIVE [11]

Connie, do you have a 250 word limit on this personal narrative? The story that you have to tell is quite interesting but it seems that it comes to a sudden end. Right after you present what should be the highlight of the essay, it ends. What happened after your mother asked if you could still take the swimming test? Why did she think of that? More importantly, What is the connection of the day of swimming with your question "Have you ever been so scared about trying or doing something new?" ?

This is a very strong introduction to your personal narrative. I just wish you had room to share more information with your reader. You have a talent for developing interesting hooks to get the reader interested in what you have to say. I hope that you will be allowed to develop this narrative further in class. It seems like such a waste of your potential talent to just have you write a paragraph and then not follow through on its development.

Here are my suggestions for improving this current narrative:

Well, I have been . - Just tell the reader that you have already faced this situation before. No need to add "been". it is implied already.

My mom, Winnie (my little sister), and I decided we would go to a swimming pool at a pool

for 2 hours of swimming - you keep repeating the word swimming, it is redundant / repetitious already.

my mom asked if I wasn't end was interested to take in taking the swim test.

Writing Feedback / Essay on "Whether tobacco should be prohibited or not" for review [9]

Hi Rohit, in answer to your question, my belief / opinion is that you should have chosen a clear side to defend in the essay. In case you did not notice, the essay prompt never asked you for agreement or disagreement to a certain extent. If the prompt had done so, then you would have been right to take only partial sides on the issue and then allowed the reader to decide for himself based upon the evidence you presented.

You have to remember that in these essays, the method of discussion is always made clear by the prompt. It tells you if you have room to allow for an undecided opinion, partial opinions, or strong support of a single opinion. There are actually some keywords that you can look out for which will clue you in on how to discuss the issue. Some the keywords are:

To what extent... ( partial sides may be taken)

Do you agree or disagree... ( one side must be supported with relevant evidence from personal experience or common knowledge)

Discuss both sides (allows you to either pick a side or leave the final decision up to the reader)

Explain why you believe (means to pick one side and support it)

Do you believe (means you need to discuss only your belief on the matter and use evidence to support it)

Those are some of the keywords that I can remember at the moment. I am sure there are more but those escape me right now :-)

Scholarship / Dietitian-nutritionist work. Chevening: why you have selected your chosen three university courses? [2]

Carol, a quick heads up with regards to the way you discussed the courses in the essay. You should have taken a paragraph each for every course, mentioned the course by title, the university offering it, and then the reasons why you believe that the course would be beneficial to you. By collectively mentioning the course titles and universities at the very beginning then never mentioning it again in the flow of the discussion, the reviewer will have successfully forgotten your course titles and universities already. So he won't really know what you are talking about per paragraph. It is always best to be detailed in your essay discussion, specially when multiple topics are involved.

Now, for some other issues that need to be addressed:

Par. 1:
Comment - in the part where you mention advising people to make lifestyle changes, which can have a negative impact in their health etc. you need to come to a pause or period after the change in lifestyle part. Clarify that the changes will have a positive impact on their health because of their current negative healthy lifestyle. Right now, it sounds like the change in lifestyle will have a negative impact on their lives and I am sure that is not what you meant at all :-)

Par. 2:
Comment- Remember to mention the course title and university within your next discussions. Refer to my explanation above for clarification.

Overall grammar revisions will be applied to the essay after you have adjusted the content :-)

Graduate / Computer databases - review my SOP for Masters in CS [3]

Aviya, it would help your opening statement if you do not only talk about enriching your skills related to computers, but also offer an actual career path for yourself that includes the title of the position you currently have and where you see this career taking you in the near and distant future. While the opening statement is strong, it weakens when it gets to the part about your professional need for advanced education and career advancement. The lack of that representation leaves the reviewer wondering as to the relevance of your interest in higher studies.

When you apply for admission for masters studies, try to show the reviewer that your interest in the field stems more from your current work demands, seminars attended, or even job requirements. Spending all of paragraphs 2-3 recounting your undergraduate information is not of interest to the reviewer. He will refer to your transcript of records for that information. What he wants to know about in your statement of purpose is just that, the professional reasons you feel you need to receive higher training in this field. The best part of your essay, which should become your second paragraph is the part where you mention that you are working as Jr. Database administrator. Mention the organization you are working for and create that solid connection between work demands and more skilled training in the field.

This is a pretty solid essay that only needs a little adjustment in order to become even better. Your focus on the beneficial outcome of the advanced studies in terms of your career is accurately represented in your last few paragraphs. The reasons why you chose the university in relation to your academic desires really works very well in the essay.

Letters / Investigation of the corrosion inhibitive behavior of some quinoxaline derivatives; Chemistry letter [3]

Zineb, is there any way that you can come up with a research interest on your part that directly relates to the current research being undertaken by Dr. Baik? Normally, these professors / scientists prioritize the applicants whose current or previous research work (both published and ongoing) have some direct or indirect relationship with their current research work. In a meeting of minds and need for analytical inputs, understanding the research work and demands of Dr. Baik's experiments and research calls for people with similar backgrounds in order to produce his expected or unexpected results.

While your own accomplishments in the field of research will be noted during your application, it won't really be one of his top choices because you do not even show any interest in his current field of research. The aim of your letter should be to get the position in the laboratory by convincing him that your abilities and related learning in the field is something that he cannot afford to pass up.

So the aim of your letter should be two-fold. First, it should sell you as a candidate who shares his interests and has some ideas of your own that you believe will be able to help him further enhance his own research. Second, to share your remarkable credentials with him for his consideration as a candidate for the post. The first objective should be your main focus and should take up most of the letter as much as possible.

The rest of your letter only needs a few more grammar adjustments. Those can wait until after the letter has been strengthened by revising the content though. I hope my advice helps :-)

Undergraduate / I was born in Guangzhou, China and I moved to the United States when I was three years old. UC essay [5]

Laurie, you seem to have at least 6 ongoing topics or themes within your personal statement. From a reviewer's point of view, this means that the essay is going on for longer than it should. It is also possible that because of the number of topics involved, you were not able to accurately develop the thoughts that you wanted to share in those sentences. I believe that you should look at the actual prompt again and try to narrow down the focus of your essay to the one or two most relevant responses that you can give. If possible, please share the original prompt with us so that we can assist you in assessing your current essay for the strongest points that you can use in revising the prompt.

At this point, I would not advise that you look at how to end the essay. What it really needs right now is restructuring because of the lack of focus and central theme in your essay. If the focus of the essay should be on the difficulties or obstacles that you faced having grown up an Asian-American, then you should be looking for a way to tell a story of overcoming those problems in your life. However, you need to choose the one definitive story from your past that will be the strongest representation of that obstacle you had to overcome.

Don't fool yourself into believing that if you put all of your information in your essay, you will have a very strong essay. On the contrary, an over informative essay could work in the opposite for you. The reviewer is always looking for a hook or response that can help him create a self-explanatory point of view about you. It should be an essay that, halfway through the written work, tells the reviewer that there is more to you than the essay will allow you to share. Develop the essay in a manner that will entice him to get to know you far beyond the essay prompt if possible. That can only be done through revising the essay and giving it more of a direction when it comes to sharing information about you. An over informative essay could just create a jumble of information about you in his mind, thus failing to make you stand out among the sea of applicants.

Scholarship / Community leadership involvement initative; voluntary attachment with a community information center [7]

Hey Nana, your response is quite good. However, it is also quite short. What is your word limit? Are you expected to only deliver a single paragraph statement and not a complete essay in response to the prompt? While your answers are informative, it doesn't really detail the movements and skills that were entailed in accomplishing your task.

If you are allowed to have at least 250 words in this essay, please consider further detailing your efforts at information dissemination and the eventual results of your actions. I am eager to find out what channels you had to go through in order to get the district officer to pay attention to the problem and, I'd like to know why you were chosen to take charge of the construction supplies. The outcome of your actions can't really be considered a complete statement at this point. You need to add information that will conclude the project.

For now, let me show you a more comprehensive way of presenting your information:

Aspiring to join the world of journalism after my high school graduation, I volunteered to become part of the staff of our community information center. It was here where I began to write articles related to a broken down bridge in my community that was meant to connect us with the next town. After I had written a number of articles about it, the news finally came to the attention of the District Chief Executive who decided to donate 20 bag of cement along with other building materials for the construction of the bridge. As a show of respect to me as the person who called his attention to the problem, he placed the care and administration of the supplies in my care.

There are still a number of information holes in this statement. I hope we will have the word count to be able to plug it in later on.

Graduate / Accomplishments and experience I gained - SOP for Masters in MIS from WPI [13]

Hi Shalini, I believe that we just need to apply some grammar corrections to this version of your SOP so that it can finally be ready for you to use. Here are my suggested corrections:

Par. 1:
Four hours, was the amount of time I invested in decoding
I will would be better prepared to take up challenges efficiently
is thus ideal for an my overall development;

Par. 2:
in the Business Intelligence (BI) unit.

Par. 3:
requires a great understanding on of how technology will affect
I was a critical resource in deploying this project which went live a month prior its schedule.
* Because?
I have been was awarded
recognition given to the top 2% of the employees
to build upon my academic career from at your university, reflects on my determination

Par. 4:
business analytic techniques such as a "Data Scientist".

Par. 5:
A master's in IS from your university

Scholarship / Scholarships and the Financial Aid letter - Graduate Institute for Masters in Development Studies [10]

Hargun, this letter needs to be edited for some content that is either irrelevant or too presumptuous on your part as a scholarship applicant. Remember, you are trying to get a sponsorship for your studies abroad. So you need to walk a thin line between self-entitlement and pity. It is a very difficult border to decipher so I will try to help you do that. Before we edit anything else in this essay, I want to make sure that we have the final content ready for editing. Otherwise, we will constantly be editing your content. Here are my observations:

Par. 1:
Just merge this paragraph with paragraph 2. Erase the portion that says; " I have applied at the Graduate Institute for Masters in Development Studies because of several reasons one of them being the scholarship given by the Institute to dedicated and hardworking students especially coming from the developing countries.". That is irrelevant to your application. It does not really explain anything in relation to your desire to earn a scholarship. In fact, it is confusing because it offers no information whatsoever about the scholarship merits.

Par.2:
It is not nice of you to say you "want" a scholarship for several reasons. Instead, say you wish to "earn the privilege" of a scholarship for a number of reasons.

Your financial description of your family members should have stopped with your government employee father and housewife mother. Your flight attendant sister does not factor into this equation because she is not directly responsible for your school expenses.

Par. 3 &4:
Again, merging the two paragraphs will make for a more convincing argument regarding your family's inability to support your studies and your limited movement as a student in a foreign land that will prevent you from working in order to help support your studies.

Par. 5:
Contrary to what you may believe, you do not deserve a scholarship or financial aid for your masters. A scholarship is a privilege and not a right. So you should rephrase those first few sentences in this paragraph. It comes across as assuming, arrogant, privileged, and self-entitled. You do not want to make any declarations that may be perceived negatively by the reviewers. Just say you are hardworking, etc.

------

If you opt to apply these corrections to your work now, we will be able to create a final version of it for you to use soon after.

Undergraduate / I AM NOT AN OUTSIDER. I'm not a typical Egyptian. Common app essay [5]

Kayan, you may be on to something there. Like I said in my previous post, my comments were based upon the existing information in your essay and my assumption of the prompt. Now that you have delivered the actual prompt, I can see that your answer may be considered a very good look into your background as a mixed race Egyptian. The thing is, I am not sure if you should be retaining the activities that you did in Egypt during the uprising. It does not seem to fit into the background requirement. I also still believe that you should talk about how you are an insider regardless of how you look.

Now about your concern. I know that proving your diversity will show your ability to thrive in a diverse college community. However, your background is more interesting than that. You are a unique Egyptian who looks different from others but has a strong love for your mother country. I really think that you should play that up as part of your background story. In my point of view, as a reviewer, I would tend to remember a person who has a unique background in terms of her looks but has a strong love for her countrymen, regardless of how they view that person.

I do not believe that it would cancel out the diverse idea. Instead, I think it would help to further enhance it based upon your various life experiences. Then again, I can only offer comments and advice. The final content of the essay is really going to be based upon what you finally want the essay to contain :-)

I look forward to reading your revised essay when you can get it ready for posting here :-)

Scholarship / LEADERSHIP THROUGH DISASTER. - CHEVENING LEADERSHIP QUESTION [14]

Farzana, I definitely want this essay to play up your leadership and influencing skills in separate paragraphs. Bear in mind that an effective leader does not necessarily have the ability to be an influential leader at the same time. Throughout history, there have been effective leaders who only know how to command the troops, but they carry very little influence in the group once the leadership role is over with. Now, a person who knows how to influence other people tend to make for better leaders because even though they do not have the official title of a leader, they are able to get others to follow their cue and accomplish tasks. It is because of that line of thinking that I am asking you to present specific instances for each Chevening Scholarship qualification.

Start with the moment when, as a leader, you had to make a difficult decision. Discuss the background of that situation. What choices were you faced with? Why did you opt to lead the group or mission in a particular direction? What was the final outcome of your actions? Be it positive or negative, tell the reviewer about the story. It is still a situation that called upon you to be a leader, how effective you were in that situation was really up to you.

As for the influence part, I think I would like to hear more about how you convinced "Doctors for You" to allow you to participate in that mission. Did they have any apprehensions about allowing you to join the mission? What factors did you have to overcome in order to convince them, or influence them, to take that chance on you?

The Chevening Scholarship is really quite competitive. So you need to always try your best to outshine your competitors via the leadership and influence essay. Best of luck to you. I hope I can help you with the revision of your next version :-)

Scholarship / LEADERSHIP THROUGH DISASTER. - CHEVENING LEADERSHIP QUESTION [14]

Wow! This is one of the truly impressive leadership essays that I have read here so far. Your leadership experience is truly of note and begs the reader to admit that you are truly a leader of the present and of the future. If your experience and abilities as discussed in this essay are to be taken seriously be the reviewer, then you stand a pretty good chance of getting a scholarship slot.

The only problem I have with your essay is that the narrative is not divided into topic paragraphs, which makes the whole essay hard to read. In an essay of this magnitude, or one that has so many sub-topics contained within, it is always best to divvy up the essay to make it easier to read. Let me try to give you a guide towards properly dividing the essay. I'll use number points to signify the paragraph number and ellipses to designate the end sentences of the paragraph.

1. I was a twenty two year old, fresh medical graduate still getting used to the 'doctor' label bursting with the excitement of soon working towards my dream to abolish inequity in the health care sector when I dealt with my first real world experience with leadership... agreed to join them in a week's time and began working.

2. The relief project was a collaborative effort between 'Doctors for you' and 'Save the children', India... involved the villagers themselves in crowd control measures and communicated to the officials all necessities and inadequacies experienced.

3. I held a meeting everyday with my teammates wherein each of our concerns and observations were addressed, suggestions for improvement were communicated and the plan for the following day was confirmed... I also made an analysis report of the health and environmental conditions in the villages we worked in citing my observations and possible solution strategies for the organization.

Now that we have the essay divided into paragraphs Farzana, I would like you to take the time to fully develop each paragraph. Make sure that you include a clear incident when you leadership or influence was successfully utilized in order to meet the demands of the project. It is important that you deliver a clear representation of your abilities because you seem to have been involved in many activities during this period. While all of the activities are important, what the reviewer needs to be drawn to are the specific moments of leadership and influence use that you were involved in.

I also noticed that the paragraph that is currently labeled as number 3 is an incomplete paragraph. It needs to have either additional information or a transition paragraph into your closing statement. You really need the closing statement to tie up the loose ends of the essay and present a complete picture of your leadership skills.

Writing Feedback / Essay on "Whether tobacco should be prohibited or not" for review [9]

Hi Rohit :-) Listen, when an essay prompt wants to do discuss the advantage and disadvantage of a topic, it will say so clearly in the essay prompt. After that, the prompt will ask you if you agree or disagree with the statement and to what extent. In this particular essay, you were asked if you thought the government had the power to legislate anti tobacco laws or if the individual should be allowed to make that decision. As you can see, you were not asked if you agreed or disagreed with the statement. You were just asked to pick a side and discuss it.

You could actually have just turned the essay around as you wrote it and placed your agreement that the government should legislate the laws at the beginning of the essay. If you did that first, you could have then justified your reasons using some or most of the information you provided in support of the tobacco ban. Any opposition you have to the government legislation side could have been presented as the "other side" of the issue that you don't really believe in, but need to consider because of other people's opinions.

Sometimes the effectiveness of a discussion relies more on the way you format the essay, rather than whether or not the side you pick is the right one. There is no right side in discussions such as these, only your personal opinions. That is what this essay expected to hear and that is what you partially delivered to the reader :-)

Letters / Opportunity to study with the Graduate Institute of International and Development Studies [3]

Hargun, try to not use so much word filler in your narrative. The person reading your letter does not have the time to sort through all of your pretenses before getting to your point. If you cannot catch the attention of the reviewer within the first minute or so of your opening statement, your chances that he will actually read the whole essay is next to null. In which case, you have lost your chance to have your application considered because you wasted the time of the reviewer with useless information. Right after the opening salutation, jump into the reason you are motivated to apply for admission to this particular university. State your academic goal and professional purpose as soon as you can in the most interesting manner that you can muster.

You need to jump over the part of the essay that mentions your diplomat idols. The only sentence you can actually use from that paragraph is the one stating that you wish to become a diplomat. That is the main purpose for your graduate studies and it should be the focal point of the letter from the very beginning. Discuss your current employment that is aligned with this desire of yours and how you feel that becoming a diplomat is the expected next step for you in this career. Omit the paragraph telling the reviewer how you learned about the Graduate Institute. That is not relevant to your motivation and does not offer any additional insight into your abilities as a graduate student. Therefore, it is not an important part of the essay. Always focus on yourself and your career goals / motivations. Never deviate from the purpose of the letter.

Don't ever, ever tell a graduate school reviewer that you decided to study a masters degree course because "I really like the curriculum." That does not sound professional at all and should not be part of a masters degree essay or letter. You are expected to be able to better express yourself at this point using a higher level of vocabulary. You need to impress the reviewer with your intellect. Remember that. Instead, why don't you present a line of research related to Gender that you feel will be a perfect vehicle for your dissertation or something while you are wrapping up your masters course? Mentioning a desire to complete a particular type of research with the cooperation of the university and the use of its facilities or mentoring of their professors often catches the interest of the reviewer.

Do not mention the name of the highly esteemed alumnae of the institute in your letter. Do not resort to name dropping or sucking up just to achieve your goal of admission. You just might find yourself trying to emulate someone far beyond your actual capacity as a student and/or diplomat. Don't set yourself up to deliver high expectations that you may not be able to deliver. Sell your own abilities and beliefs as your motivation. Don't use the accomplishments of other people to try and do that for yourself.

You also have a line in your letter that puzzles me a lot. What did you mean by:
also one thing that attracted me was the financial aid provided by the institute, as I would be able to study by my own. I believe that being a student I would not only empower my career development, I would be a position to utilize my full potentials as well.

- Financial aid should be discussed as a separate paragraph and thoroughly discussed. I do not believe that it should be placed in a motivation letter because the thought of receiving financial aid should not be one of the motivations for your desire for higher studies.

Writing Feedback / Various elderly problems in USA - how to improve the current situation? [7]

Honestly? I still see the same problems that I corrected in my previous response. I am not sure if you could not follow the changes that I made for you in capital letters or if it is not reflecting on your end. You already started correcting the essay using my instructions with the red letter S in your new post. Did you have a problem following the corrections I indicated?

I know what you mean by having a hard time catching the errors when you are the one writing. That is why it is important for you to proofread your work and, whenever possible, use the spellchecker in your word program to help you spot the basic corrections that need to be done. For the more advanced errors, online websites such as grammarly can help you spot and correct the errors.

In the meantime, let me point out the errors to you by line. That should help you spot the corrections better :-)

how they overcomeOVERCAME their hardshipHARDSHIPS and buildBUILT what it is today.
* In this line, your problem is mostly related to tense usage. The terms here should all be in past tense since it already happened to the elderly.

A project will be allocated to each group of students so that they can have a deeper understanding forof their elderly.

prizes will be given to the group whoTHAT has done exceptionally well in their project.

activities will also be carried out in Nn ursing homeHOMES so that studentSTUDENTS can engage

Ab udget will also be set aside to train school teachers so that they CAN have better understanding of the ELDERLY situation in the country.

Writing Feedback / Various elderly problems in USA - how to improve the current situation? [7]

Ka, your sentence structure is not so much of a problem. You just need to familiarize yourself with using the correct word connectors in the sentences so that the grammar structure can be further improved. You also need to pay attention to your use of singular and plural terms. Let me show you examples of how to improve your sentences below. I might also make some additional comments after the correction. I hope you won't mind.

Nowadays, there are many stories in the news about various elderly problems in USA. For example, THE elderly are seen as a burden by many people in today'S society or THEY are treated badly by their loved oneS.

To improve the current situation, I am proposing THAT AN educationAL care program for the elderly to be implemented in school. The main objective of this program is to let HELP school children understand on the ageing THE issues REGARDING THE ELDERLY as early as possible so that they can relate UNDERSTAND their problems and treat their elderly with care and concern.

Writing Feedback / Various elderly problems in USA - how to improve the current situation? [7]

Ka, did your teacher give you any instructions regarding the topic you are supposed to write about in this essay? Somehow, the question that you are supposed to be answering should be reflected in the initial paragraph of the essay. The introduction, as it is known, should have a restated prompt within the minimum of 3 sentences that should comprise the paragraph. I don't really see that reflected in this essay at the moment. So you may want to revise that introduction to make it more effective.

With regards to your second paragraph, you should establish a basis for the education care program that you plan to implement. Aside from presenting the objectives of the program, you should present an idea as to how the program will be funded, who will teach it, and how it should be taught. You only have 2 sentences in that paragraph. Any paragraph composed of 2 sentences is always considered weak and ill effective. Don't keep on summarizing what you have to say. Make it longer. The length of the essay often translates into the depth of understanding that the writer has for the topic he is discussing. Often times, long discussion essays get good grades because the topic is properly developed and discussed in the essay.

I like the content of your third paragraph. It clearly offers an idea of the scope of discussion that your program will cover. It would be best to develop this paragraph in accordance with the requirements that I mentioned in the previous paragraph. The combination will create a balanced and informative discussion of the topic. Please remember though, no paragraph can be composed of a single sentence, so the line about the budget needs to be better developed or integrated into other parts of your essay.

You should have written a concluding paragraph for your essay that portrayed the ideal result of your program. What changes in the treatment of the elderly do you see stemming from the implementation of the program? How confident are you that this will work and at what grade level do you believe this program will be most effective to conduct? Do you see it moving out of the school set up and perhaps turning into a community movement? It would be nice to know that you have expansion plans for your program in the future.

Graduate / "IF YOU CAN DREAM IT, YOU CAN DO IT" and I know I can do it. Applying for Masters in MIS. [5]

Monica, the first thing you have to do with this essay is remove your first 4 paragraphs. It provides information that is not really relevant to your MIS application. The reviewer is looking for information about what kind of career you are looking to pursue in the future, how that relates to your current job, and why you think the university you have chosen will best be able to help you complete those goals. He doesn't need to know the story of your parents or your GPA in college. That is irrelevant because it does not tell him anything about the kind of worker you are today and where you professional passions now lie. The current content of your first paragraph is best saved for a more relevant personal statement prompt. Maybe you will get the chance to use that in another prompt related to your application.

As a masters degree student, you should be offering information up to the reviewer that clearly depicts the reasons why you have chosen to pursue these higher studies. Is the reason something related to a career change? Or perhaps you are looking to get a promotion in your current line of work and this degree will help you achieve that. Whatever your reasons, those all fall under the purpose for your study. The purpose needs to be high on the list of information that the reviewer should know about so make sure you place it somewhere at the top of the page where he can easily access and take note of that information.

Your college information should only be an overview and not as detailed as it is now because you should have submitted a transcript of records with your application which the reviewer will review and consider during the application process. There is no need to repeat such detailed information in the statement of purpose because he has access to more complete records outside of your essay. That is what will give more weight to your application, not your discussion of your college days in this statement.

It will definitely serve your essay well if you can detail your professional experience in such a way that it will show the progression of your career going towards the required masters degree. I really like the way that you did that in the latter part of your essay starting with the line :" I landed a job with TCS, Asia's largest IT service provider." All of those remaining paragraphs contain the pertinent information relevant to your application. It really shows your career progression and possible training avenues that you can pursue in order to gain a better chance at improving your current position at your job. So when you revise your essay, make sure to use that as the second paragraph with the rest as succeeding paragraphs. Just omit the last part that says:

"IF YOU CAN DREAM IT, YOU CAN DO IT "and I know I can do it.
Thanking you and eagerly looking forward for your acceptance.

It is not necessary to leave a quote at the end of your essay, neither is it required that you close it like a letter. Don't sound so overeager to get into the university. Just be calm and subtle. Let them know that you would like to attend their university, period. Explain how you see the university programs helping you to achieve your goals in life.

Graduate / Moment that changed everything [5]

Hi Anita, I think I was able to help you out here. I got creative with your essay to try and build a background for it, no matter how simple. Feel free to use this as your response or as the basis of your revision if you wish :-)

Jenn was the rock that I built my social life upon. We were inseparable best of friends since we first met in high school. She was my adviser in life and the voice of reason when I needed one. . She always seemed emotionally strong and available for her friends and family. That is why I could not bring myself to accept the phone call from Vanessa, our friend, on that fateful day in 2008.

"Jenn killed herself." Vanessa's voice cracked aover the phone line. I in school at the time "She killed herself last week." A sense of nausea came over me. My person was gone. How could I not have noticed that she was reaching out for help?

I couldn't help but think that I could've been a better friend, the kind that could have saved her. I always remembered Jenn as someone that I wanted to be. She saw everything with beauty. She was bold, she never cared about what anyone said, and when she decided on something, there was nothing to change her mind. Not even death.

Rather than condemning her for what she did, I have used the memory of Jenn and her friendship as my inspiration for changing the world. My relationship with her was special and inspirational. She has transformed me into the creative leader I am today. I have come to realize that even though I couldn't save her, she ended up saving me.

Graduate / Moment that changed everything [5]

Anita, we need more of a background regarding your relationship with Jenn. You need to establish a relationship between the two of you that will make the reader care about her death and the impact that it had on you. Right now, the narrative is good, but we don't really care about Jenn. We don't really understand how she is connected to you and why you would think of her as some sort of guiding spirit. Who was Jenn to you ? What kind of person was she? Why do you say that she saved you? These are questions that need to be addressed in your written work because these are questions that arise as one reads the essay.

I think that before you take us into the phone call that you received, you should use one paragraph to deliver the foundation of the relationship and explain to us why we should care that she died. Then, in the part where you ask yourself "How could I have missed this?" the reader is left wondering what the status of your relationship with Jenn was before the two of you parted. Most importantly, why did the two of you part? There is a need to plug in those holes because it affects the overall impact of your essay.

I have another question. Are you writing this for a creative writing class or as part of a college application prompt? Regardless of which reason you are writing this essay, knowing the particular instructions that you were given for writing it will help me to offer you a better review of your work. Right now, I am only offering you a general review. I will probably be adding other comments and instructions for the revision of your essay once I know what you are trying to do with this text. Please upload the instructions as soon as possible. Thanks.

Writing Feedback / Essay on "Whether tobacco should be prohibited or not" for review [9]

Rohit, there is a problem with your introduction or first paragraph. Not only is it too short because it does not follow the minimum 3 sentence requirement, but it also does not present the correct restated prompt in it. You had already began to present the correct thesis statement when you said "It is debatable if government should create laws to prohibit smoking". From that point, you should have merely summarized the rest of the original prompt in order to complete the introduction. You should have also taken a stand at the end of the essay as to whether you support that the government legislate the laws about tobacco use or if it should be left up to the individual. The essay is asking you to pick a side and defend it in the essay. It is not asking you to merely provide information that can help the reader make a decision. This is not about what the reader thinks is right, this is about what you believe to be right.

The exercise in this essay is all about developing your line of reasoning and logic. It is asking you to analyze the known facts of an issue and then come to your own conclusion by presenting it in a strong manner to the reader. That is the objective of this essay which you failed to do. It may be a debatable topic but surely you have a strong opinion on the matter that you wish to defend and it should have been stated in the introduction of the essay. That first paragraph is very important in your exam scoring, so make sure that you accomplish all of the expected parameters by the end of it in the proper manner.

Due to the mistaken prompt that you provided, I think you did not clearly understand the prompt requirements, which is why you made that mistake in your discussion, you ended up discussing a totally different topic in your response. Your answer should have only been limited to whether you believe that "...governments have a legitimate role to legislate to protect citizens from the harmful effects of their own decisions to smoke, or are such decisions up to the individual?" If you review your 2 paragraph response, you will see that you did not provide any relevant responses to the questions posed.

There are actually some parts of the essay where you were almost properly responding to the prompt. Instances such as when you said,"such a law is invasion of individual rights. A democratic government gets elected to safeguard the rights of its people and such a law can prove very unpopular., already started you on the right response path to the prompt. I wish you had continued to simply argue this line of reasoning within the essay. Your paragraph before this one really did not apply to the prompt at all and should not have been in the essay.

It was not until the very end of your essay when you finally took a stand and gave a highly simple explanation as to why you believe the government should create laws to ban smoking. Then you fell apart again and stated that you did not agree that the government should not put a blanket ban on tobacco products. That was not even part of the question you were being asked to respond to.

Due to the existing problems with your essay in terms of responding to the prompt, I am sorry to say that there is no way this prompt would have passed in an actual test. There is an obvious lack of comprehension skills on your part when it comes to trying to understand what the question is asking and how it should be responded to. As a practice test, it is a failure. However, I am sure that with continued practice, guidance, and assistance from your teacher, classmates, and the members of this forum, you will improve your scores in no time :-)

Undergraduate / The fate of a nation lies in their diet! - Cornell CALS Supplemental Essay - Needs Help in Reviewing [2]

Jeremy, this essay is quite good. But the introduction is too long and needs to be cut down. The hook that you are using is too wordy when it should not be. It would be nice of you could revise the paragraph to contain less of your commentary about the food manufacturing ills of Indonesia and instead, focus it on a story when you came to realize that you needed to do something about the problem of processed food proliferation in the market. From the very beginning, you already need to establish the fact that you are looking towards a career in natural food production through food biochemistry. Don't place that at the very end. It is best for your essay if the reviewer immediately knows the purpose, reason, and driving factors that have combined to create your career path.

You can actually better introduce yourself and the response to your prompt if you limit the story about the kids buying from your store and immediately follow it up with the paragraph about :

Fortunately, Cornell University's Food Science major provides the option for learning the Food Operations and Management.

Talking about the relationship between your plans and Cornell University will help the reviewer gain a better understanding of how you plan to utilize the university offerings in order to meet your career goals. So rather than projecting that as a minor detail in your essay (since you placed it almost at the very end) you should highlight it as part of your opening statement.

Basically, if you rearrange your essay paragraphs, you will be able to strengthen the way that you present your essay and also bring your word count down to a more acceptable level. From the point of view of a reviewer, I really don't see why you need 631 words to tell me the most important aspects of your response. I see only a few of your paragraphs as being in direct response to the prompt.

Paragraph 2 does not really tell of any strong influence on your part. It just sounds so trivial the way you have the paragraph set up at the moment and the way you spoke of this influence is not as strong as it should be. My belief is that you can just skip that part and bring paragraph 3 up instead to take its place. Doing that will show the direct relationship between your future academic and career plans and your previous academic experiences. By establishing that you are simply taking on the next steps towards achieving your career, you will be able to profile yourself as someone who has devoted his life to the pursuit of your goal, that of providing your countrymen with better food and employment.

So, if you just rearrange the essay for now and address the parts that I mentioned above, I feel that your essay will be able to present your ideas in a stronger manner and also help you to better respond to the prompt. Any grammar corrections can wait until after we have finalized the content of your essay.

Undergraduate / Required 'Lifetime goals and extracirricular activities' essay [2]

Michael, what is the maximum word count for your response? The reason I ask is because you don't really need paragraphs 1 and 2 of your essay, you can simply concentrate on paragraphs 3-4. We can apply some sort of spin on the paragraphs to make it seem like the activity is part and parcel of your current and future academic and extra curricular activity in relation to your lifetime goal.

Let us put a spin on how your second year student passion for computer science turned into your career goal in life. Rather than clearly stating that this all happened when you were a sophomore, just say that your interest in computers led you to become an active member of the UIL Computer Team. There is no need to tell the reviewer that there were only 3 of you. Instead, tell us about the competitions that your group joined and the awards and prizes that you won. Tell the reviewer that you did not even notice that your extra curricular activities were still academics based because you are a person who feels that learning is best done through extra curricular activities. Those are some ideas that I hope can help you direct the paragraph towards creating an extra curricular activity for you.

Let us use only 2 paragraphs to explain your prompt response. Going for more than 2 paragraphs will make it obvious that we are trying to redirect the attention of the reviewer. In the last paragraph, don't tell the reviewer that you won't be participating in other computer science competitions. Instead, inform him that you are also competing in Math related UIL competitions because it seemed like a natural progression of your computer science extra curricular activity. Then you can retain the part about your ambition in computer science not ending there.

Hopefully, these 2 paragraphs, when developed using a particular angle, can help create the necessary requirements of the prompt. I am looking forward to reading your revised essay so that I can help you better polish it for your needs :-)

Scholarship / "It is the art of getting someone to do what you want to do because he wants to do it" Chevening app [4]

Oluyege, you need to come up with a real world application for your leadership skills and not just some class assignment that you led. You have to understand that as a Chevening applicant, you will up against other contenders who have leadership experience stemming from government service, non - government project implementation, private sector enterprises, and business projects. A mere class project cannot stand up to the international leadership experience that your opponents will present. This is a very weak presentation of leadership skills. It is too basic and will not really be considered a serious application by the reviewer. You need to beef this essay up in order to create a true image of being an effective leader for yourself.

This essay is too concentrated on defining what a leader is. That is not the interest of the reviewer. His sole interest is in learning if you you have the leadership skills that they require of their scholarship grantees. Having the opportunity to attend a leadership seminar consecutively and participating in class assignments is not the same as having participated in a project that had you at the helm, making decisions that could either make or break the project. The class project does not really have any real world stakes involved for the leaders of the group. A failing grade is not the same as failing to deliver the needs of a destitute community because the leader made a wrong decision along the way.

Do you have any real world leadership experience that you can use in this essay? What you need to relate in this essay is some sort of experience that can actually say, "I am the future world leader the Chevening Scholarship is looking for. I can influence the world leaders into making the world a better place for everyone living in it." Right now, all your essay says is "I am a very good student with the potential to become a good leader in the future." Influencing your classmates to wear a uniform does not carry the same weight as an applicant who say, successfully got the town mayor to build a water pump for a water-less community. That takes real influence and leadership to attain.

The weakness of your essay lies on your lack of actual leadership experience. You need to come up with a leadership experience that can rival those of the other applicants. Otherwise, your application will not really stand a chance. Read the other Chevening leadership essays available at this forum, you will come to understand why I fear that your current will not help you at all because of the abilities of the other candidates that you are up against.

Undergraduate / I AM NOT AN OUTSIDER. I'm not a typical Egyptian. Common app essay [5]

Kayan, could you do us a favor and provide us with a copy of the complete prompt response that you are trying to answer? It would just help us to better analyze your essay for content and responsiveness if you could do that. The essay that you present is truly compelling but I have some questions as to its relevance to the prompt.

You talk a lot about staying in Egypt during the uprising and doing your best to keep your neighbors safe. You speak of the volunteer activities that you have had in the past. There are also references to your way of life and physical appearance. Somehow these topics do not seem all connected to me. They seem to be speaking of a different aspect of you as a person at every turn. I guess I would figure out the purpose of this format more if I knew what the prompt requirements are. I hope you can provide it soon.

I think though, that since this is an essay about being an outsider (?) then maybe you should instead be focusing on the reasons that people view you as being an outsider in Egypt. It seems that you do live the life of an outsider in the country because of your background. So perhaps, instead of focusing on your volunteer activities and the fact that your parents chose to stay in Egypt during the turmoil that existed, you should instead shed light on why you are an Egyptian. What are the cultural roots, emotional connections, and other aspects of being an Egyptian, in the true sense of the word that you embody? Regardless of your different physical appearance and family wealth, tell us what makes you an Egyptian, what do you share in common with the typical Egyptian that you feel is special about the people? Discuss that point and then perhaps, you will be able to better establish that you are not an outsider, regardless of how people first view you. I just feel like that is the true target of this essay, finding who you are behind all of the trappings of everyday life.

Undergraduate / 'great programs for pre-medical studies' - My interest to study in Illinois Institute of Technology [4]

Arjun, since the instruction is that you have to provide a statement, not an essay of 250 words or less, I believe that we can actually cut down on the content of your essay in order to focus it in information that will be of true interest to the reviewer. I am looking at requesting you to develop more about this specific part:

I am interested in joining AMSA IIT which would help me to learn more about the different paths of medicine, the tips and tricks of becoming successful in medical school and proper communication with patients and their families. Also, I will make new friends who have the same aspirations as I have

However, I would have you delete the part of the response that explains how joining the organization will help you learn tips and tricks, proper communication, etc. As much as possible try not to present generic information about the organization to the reviewer. Instead, look up the organization online and find something about it that resonates with you as a future student and doctor. Why are you really looking forward to joining that organization which in the process, created your interest and desire to study at the Illinois Institute of Technology?

The sole focus of your essay should be on joining AMSA IIT for very specific reasons. The beginning and end of your essay, don't really offer any information leaned towards that end result so it will need to be revised. Open the statement with an interest in AMSA IIT and then end it with your looking forward to having the opportunity to join the organization.

Remember the essay does not have to be 250 words. That is the maximum count, but you are not really expected to hit that mark. The shorter and more direct to the point your essay is, the better chances you stand of having a response that will easily be remember and stand out for the reviewer.

Undergraduate / Volunteering and tutoring - my contribution to the UIC Honors College community [5]

Arjun, in my opinion, there are a number of points that you can omit from this essay because the type of work that you did does not really apply to student community activities. All of the points related to your volunteer service at the hospital are not really the kinds of activities that can be used as a student helping out his campus community. That portion of your essay was placed there by you in an effort to spotlight your desire to enter medical school. That particular desire is not relevant in this particular statement. You should rework your closing paragraph as well to simply reiterate your desire to help enhance the student community of UIC. There is no portion in this essay that should refer to your "wants" and desires as you proceed on your quest to become a physician. This is all about the spirit of volunteerism. So your demands regarding the kind of education you want to receive, and the hope that this will get you into UIC medical school are all misplaced. Save those sentiments for your personal statement or statement of purpose. That is where these topics can normally be fully discussed for the benefit of the prompt.

Now, with regards to the tutoring aspect. Don't be so high handed as to assume that you will not struggle yourself as a student of many math subjects while attending UIC. Rather than saying you will tutor the students who are poor in math, try to explain that you will instead;

"collaborate with those students who require a helping hand with their math studies by using my current knowledge of math subjects alongside the math enhancement lessons that we will all be receiving at UIC. Though we will both struggle at the start of the semester in our math classes, I know that I can help those who are unfamiliar with the equations and formulas because I have a stronger foundation than they do in that area."

The reason I want you to tone down your manner of speaking in that part of your essay is because you are not really sure that you will not struggle yourself in the higher level of math classes. High school math is a far cry from the math subjects taught in college. I have known high school math wizards who end up struggling in their own math classes when they got to college. So I believe that by having a more collaborative tone in that part of the essay, you will show that you are going to be a cooperative member of the student community.

Try to just tell the story of your work at the Orlando Park Public Library. That sounds like a job that you might be able to enter into as a student in the future at UIC. It is an activity that truly provides a community service in the sense of town and student need. So it is the perfect volunteer activity to discuss in the essay.

At the end of the essay, try to project some other ideas that you see as becoming part of your volunteer activities at UIC. Look into the student volunteer programs they have available and try to discuss one or two of those that you feel you can participate in and make a difference in the most. That would be a nice way to end your essay.

Graduate / The chaos theory - Personal Statement for Master of Finance and Economics in LSE [5]

Zhang, when you present your purpose for higher academic study, be more specific about your career path. There are many careers and positions related to the field of risk management. As such, you need to be more specific about your career goals. Simply enumerating the general understanding or definition of a risk management career is not enough. When you say that this course is a perfect fit for your career goal, delve into specifics. Basically, you should use the first paragraph of your essay more effectively by outlining the rest of the discussion that will be found in the essay. Try to come up with a more interesting hook for the reviewer. If you were to have a reviewer look over your current essay, it will appear to him that there is really nothing of interest to be found in your succeeding paragraphs. Mainly because your first paragraph does not offer information that could excite the reader to find out more about you.

Your second paragraph also needs to be improved. You don't really need to repeat the information about the MSC Finance program from the brochure or wherever you got it from the university because the reviewer is already tired of hearing about will not serve to help your application. Instead of repeating known information, use the paragraph to set up your future career plans instead. Discuss why it is important for you to complete this course. How does it relate to your future career opportunities? What particular classes or training programs at the university might be able to help you propel your career forward sooner rather than later? Establishing that you are looking forward to accomplishing a dissertation or research project is a good idea. Reviewers like to read about the way that the masters degree student hopes to shake up the already established rules of risk management. If you can bring something new to the table with your dissertation, then go for it. It will only help your application :-)

The third paragraph is somewhat of a throw away because you do not really discuss any specific academic achievements or classes that resulted in something of note on your part. Instead of keeping that part, why don't we just concentrate the essay on your academic ability to accurately research, analyze, and resolve financial situations based upon your related activities? That covers a far more important academic aspect of your studies, the actual implementation of the academic theories you learned in school. You can use the part about the research you performed at Anxin Town. Definitely retain the information about the time when the professor asked you to join his project team. When combined with the Anxin Town research that you did, the image of you as a future game changer in the world of risk management becomes clearer.

Please consider skipping the mention of your volunteer activities that do not relate to your interest in Finance. Those aspects of your civic life need to be related in a more appropriate prompt. This prompt is solely for related academic, professional, and future goals discussion. So you can delete the parts about your volunteer activities at Sanmen High School.