Undergraduate / UMich short response, describe a community. "I am the boat." [2]

Quin, you can actually delete more than 8 words by better presenting your second paragraph. There are many redundancies that can be removed by rephrasing the sentence or combining sentences into one. Let me revise the paragraph for your below:

Our unparalleled team spirit grew as we ergged, ran, and swam in the river together. Regardless of the weather, we pushed each other to perfection, with me acting as the lead cheerleader, pushing my boat-mates to their fullest potential. As we moved from sixth to third boat...

You are using too many technical terms in this essay that makes it difficult for the reader to understand. Not everyone is familiar with the sport of rowing or boating (?). Try to simplify your explanations for the lay person. Make sure that anybody who reads your essay, with or without the required background in the sport, will understand what you are trying to say so that he can understand by you "are the boat".

Scholarship / "I am a low-income student." - Statement of need for financial assistance [4]

Lin, are you implying in this statement that you are planning to stop working in your part time job so you can focus solely on your studies? Is that the reason why you are applying for this scholarship? Please keep in mind that your application will be more impressive if you reassure the committee that you will continue to work as many hours as possible while studying. The scholarship should only act as a support in order to fill in the financial gap that will be created by your cut back hours due to your concentration on your studies. Scholarship committees like to hear about students who work their way through college. Even as you have student loans to pay off and scholarships to help you, the fact that you are going to continue working in some capacity shows them that you are a self starter who will accept help from others but prefers to support himself whenever possible.

I noticed that you did not indicate your parents income in this statement. Are you already supplying their income forms as part of your application documents? If you are, then there is no need to become specific about their source of income in this essay. However, if you are not submitting their documents, then you need to further expand on the explanation as to why their income is not enough to help support you even as you work part time to help offset your educational costs.

Graduate / SOP for Data Science admission; 'to be a successful data scientist with my passion and aspiration' [2]

Fei, you need to better focus the content of your SOP in order to create a more chronological discussion for the reviewer. If you can map out your purpose in a logical order, the reviewer will tend to better connect your information and quite possibly, allow him to remember more important and highlight points of your statement.

Make sure that you state the purpose of your desire for higher study immediately. In your current version, this does not come in until almost the end of your essay. That is never the place where the the purpose should be positioned. That is always mentioned as early as possible within the essay. The first paragraph will be the best place to explain this.

In paragraph 2 you must explain what your current work position is and how it relates to your plans for your career future. This is the point where you should explain how you see big data becoming an integral part of future business and other fields. Segue this statement into a transition for your college background in the third paragraph.

The third paragraph should summarize your college education and any accolades or awards that you received during this time. All the information, including the awards should relate to your current career. If possible, transition into any additional training that you have received, including your most recent. Remember, explain how these are all relevant to your interest in big data and why it will help you become a better MS student in the field of Data Science.

Your fourth paragraph should give an overview of your immediate short term plans. Covering 5 years. Don't go too far into the long term because that will require even more additional study on your part which may no longer be included in the coverage of your MS course.

Finally, make sure to drive home the point as to why you have chosen this particular university and why no other university can help you achieve your course objectives. It may help if you have a clear path towards a potential research question regarding big data that you can pursue as a student at the university. If you can exemplify how you will utilize the university facilities or work with their professors to help you develop the response to your question, the university might consider your application more seriously than they would have without it. This advice only applies if you are enrolling in a thesis based masters degree. It is not required for non-thesis programs.

Undergraduate / Admission Essay - 250 Words, Describe More About An Activity You Do [6]

Hi Christopher. Let's get something clear, your essay is good. It is pretty solid in presenting information and does not hold back when it comes to sharing the excitement that you had when you were learning how to swim. Everything that you shared fits the requirements except for the portion about your goals. Your goal in taking on this training was not to become an active leader and student. The goal should be related to your professional life as an EMT and an employee of St. John Ambulance.

Basically, the need to learn to swim should have related to, perhaps, the rescue missions that you were called upon to do. For example, helping to save a drowning victim, or simply drown proofing yourself in the event that you would need to perform a rescue mission in a flooded city or state. Those are the goals that relate to your professional side. So what role did you play in this instance? You played the role of a student who is increasing his water scenario rescue abilities by learning how to swim under various scenarios. What did you learn? You learned how to execute various swimming movements in reference to either leisurely swimming or rescue swimming scenarios.

Letters / Counselor's Letter of Recommendation for MIT [8]

Hi Luis. This letter most certainly works to the benefit of your student. There are just a few more points for you to improve upon though. Here is a list of the portions that require your attention.

Par. 1 : Mention the full name of Antonio and his year level in your school at the start of the letter. This will formally reintroduce Antonio to the reviewer based upon his position and considerations as a student at your school.

Par. 2: When you say that Antonio is attending one of the most demanding high schools in your state, make sure to mention the high school name before you say "most demanding high school..." That is because the reviewer may not remember where Antonio is attending at the moment and he might want to double check his attendance there.

Par. 3: When you say he made the project a reality, you should clarify that the lab was built thanks to Antonio's leadership. Then expand upon the idea that Antonio is a born leader who knows how to delegate tasks responsibly in order to complete a project.

In your closing signature, you must sign your complete name and contact phone numbers or email address aside from your position at the school. This is because you are allowing the reviewer to contact you for further information, but you are not giving him any contact points in case he wishes to do that. The information is normally placed under your name and position in any formal recommendation letter.

Graduate / Machine learning SOP for graduate admission - field change from VLSI [7]

It isn't necessary to duplicate information that you have already provided in the previous essays Raghunath. It gets tedious for the reviewer when you constantly repeat information in your essay without offering new information in relation to it. Normally, the publication is used to strengthen your claims of being at the professional level of someone who can benefit from graduate school studies. You might wish to consider strengthening your essay by mentioning the publication information in this essay instead of the in the other essay that you wrote. Only you can judge where the information can be best used so I will let you go with your gut feeling with this one.

Double check your essays for repeated information. Make sure that the reviewer will not end up with reader fatigue due to repeated information. It won't be good for your application to have duplicated information in the final consideration stage. Always try to present additional new information with each prompt you respond to.

Undergraduate / Essay for Undergraduate Admission Application: "A Break Up to Remember" [6]

James, I am unclear about how your relationship with your girlfriend works with the rest of the story. It seemed like such an integral part of your narration at the start, but then fell to the wayside as the essay progressed. I am not sure about how the breakup thoughts led to an epiphany that you should take charge of your life. Was this because you wished to show your girlfriend that you could do more? Did she expect something from you in the relationship that you did not deliver but could deliver if only you pursued these avenues long before she decided to break up with you? The point is this. If the break-up is the focal point of the essay, then it should serve a purpose in the succeeding paragraphs of the essay. It should be that reason in the back of your mind that had you saying "I have to prove this to her." or something like that. Without it, there is no reason for you to mention the break up as you could have come to that conclusion regarding needing to perform in your life using some other manner.

Undergraduate / Northwestern's global presence and its inner niches... What aspects of Northwestern appeal most to m [5]

Angeli, have you already given some information regarding how you will receive a well rounded education at Northwestern using the academic and social offerings of the university? I feel like there is a lack of balance in your discussion because it is more than 90% concentrated on your academic interests. The other side of your studies, your social development seems to have been neglected in terms of representation of your non academic interests and goals. A well balanced education seeks to develop a well rounded personality in the student. This means, that while you may be focused on getting into NEURON, you also know when to step back and relax. Give your brain a rest and allow yourself to just let lose and enjoy your time as a college student.

In my opinion, your social interests also relate to some goals that you have because the way you socialize helps you network for your future career. So you should also have a goal when thinking of your social life and the kinds of organizations, clubs, or volunteer activities that you will be participating in. My advice is this, try to create a 50-50 balance between academic and social representation in this response essay. Show the reviewer that you know how to balance education and social freedoms for the betterment of your future career.

Graduate / Machine learning SOP for graduate admission - field change from VLSI [7]

Raghunath, your essay displays more of the motivation behind your desire to take masters classes. It does not represent the purpose you have for higher learning. Do not confuse your motivation with your purpose. These terms are often confused for one another and thus, create a motivation essay instead of a purpose essay.

In order to better reflect your purpose, you must go one step further with your opening statement. Declare the purpose for your higher studies based upon the motivation that you have discovered. That means, you have to tell the reviewer clearly, that you are changing career paths because of a number of reasons. Thus, you create a motivation, a purpose, and a reason for all of the 3 to exist as the foundation for your desire to change careers.

Try to summarize your undergraduate studies because the focus of the reviewer will be less on your academic and more on the practical / work experience aspect of your interests. Speaking of which, you are claiming to be a published author in notable journals. The reviewer will require the name of the journal, the topic of your article, and the publication date. He will definitely want to read that information for himself because it might help him in considering your application data more seriously than the others. You can skip over the activities that you participated in if it is part of your undergraduate experience. The focus of your experience and leadership or other activities needs to be on more professional accomplishments.

You don't really need to present the extra curricular activities at this moment in your essay. It is not relevant to the reason why you wish to switch careers so it just removes the attention from the fact that you need to prove that you have a future in this new career that you have chosen for yourself.

Undergraduate / Admission Essay - 250 Words, Describe More About An Activity You Do [6]

Christopher, when you discuss swimming in terms of what you learned in the process, please do not forget to represent how swimming relates to your chosen career. That is, if you feel that this activity is relevant to your chosen major or, if it will highlight a skill or talent that will help you excel in your chosen field. I would not refer to YouTube as part of the learning that emanated from your participation in the sport. Keep it solely experience related. After all, YT does not qualify as part of the learning process since it did not have you swimming in physical form to learn those lessons. Don't say you expected to lead. Instead, say you led, in reference to the First Aid scenarios. These are already activities that you have completed so using the past tense is pivotal to your discussion. You should also qualify why learning how to swim is crucial to the learning process that you have in store for you in relation to your chosen major. That will help make the activity more relevant to the prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / 'the program uniqueness and location of UBC'. Your Opinion on my UBC Admissions Question Response [6]

Christopher, it would be nice if you could offer a simple explanation regarding your learning style in line with the teaching method of the university. This will help to better align your academic interests with the academic styling of the university. I would opt to read more of that explanation than the reference to St. John Ambulance. The reason that I say this is because the ambulance service is part of the community service that you look forward to participating in while a student at UBC. It doesn't really help to explain why you want to study this particular course at this university. Concentrate on UBC and the academic connection you can make with the university. Don't muddle the discussion by presenting non-related topics. The current version of the essay is almost totally acceptable. You just need to make a few adjustments in order to make it ready to use.

Undergraduate / 7 Prime ministers changed after the end of monarchy on 23rd December 2007. [13]

Go ahead and attach the paragraph draft that you posted to the ones that I developed for you. That was actually my intention for you. Sorry if I did not make that clear enough when I posted the paragraphs I created for you. As for the last paragraph that you have, since it deals mostly with student involvement in an organization, that qualifies more as a socio-civic aspect of your interests in the university. Since the essay wishes to have you focus only on the intellectual side, there is no need to discuss that information in this essay. Save it for a more relevant prompt requirement. I am sure you will find one as you proceed with your application to Cornell. You can however, close the essay using the statement that you wrote regarding how you envision your future as a political economist graduate from Cornell. It sounds like a strong closing statement to me. Consider closing on that note instead of the current paragraph that you have.

Undergraduate / Transition to Childhood: Encouraging Pat: "That was a really excellent presentation" [3]

Tara, you are writing a transition to adulthood essay. What you wrote doesn't really qualify for this essay prompt because there is no clear evidence of the transition in a manner that is accepted either by your cultural or family traditions. You have actually just skimmed over the idea without really presenting the necessary information to help support your claims. The essay only qualifies as a transition essay when you show that you have taken responsibility for yourself, done something that showed the development of a mature mindset on your part, or simply had your parents or other elders acknowledge that you were now capable of making adult decisions. There is absolutely nothing in this essay that would qualify as such. Therefore, this essay cannot be used for this prompt. I suggest that you look at similarly themed essays in this forum and follow their example when it comes to presenting information regarding this prompt to the reviewer. You cannot just gloss over the information and hope the reviewer believes that you have actually transitioned to adulthood. You have to actually show the reviewer how that happened. You can't just tell him it happened. He needs factual evidence to prove that claim.

Scholarship / "Hard work and God will never betray you" has been my personal values since I was a child. NTU essay [16]

Piper, first up, in the quoted version of your personal mantra, please make sure to write it as "Do your best" in quotations. You don't have to capitalize every letter. You are not writing an acronym nor writing something that qualifies as a proper noun. So only the first letter should be capitalized in this case since you are only emphasizing a point in the paragraph.

Next, please don't use exclamation points in the essay. This is an academic paper so shouting in print is not allowed. Just explain what happened or narrate it. No need to over emphasize. The reviewer will already feel your excitement from the way you worded the sentence.

In the last sentence of this essay, please just acknowledge that God has a plan for you. No need to use the term "His" as this forms a redundancy in the final sentence of the essay. After these changes are done, I believe the essay will be ready to submit.

Essays / Essay: how to answer the following question? According to Ronald Reagan / Martin Luther King Jr. [2]

Omar, before you can begin to answer even one of these essays, you have to examine the question in relation to what you have to offer the UGrad program. Of the two prompts, which one do you identify with best? Do you see yourself as a leader with a capacity to enact change in your community? Or are you more of a civic leader who has already shown some sort of leadership skills?

In the sense of the Ronald Reagan prompt, you should portray yourself as an idealist who was able to inspire some sort of change in your community, by inspiring others to become leaders and movers themselves. While Martin Luther King Jr. asks you to be the leader that will be followed in the community. Which leadership persona do you embody more? Are you the inspiring leader or the leader who leads through action?

Unfortunately, nobody here can tell you which essay to respond to. Neither can we tell you how to begin answering either of the questions. The choice of question to answer depends upon how you view your leadership skills. Either you identify with Pres. Ronald Reagan, or you identify with civic leader Martin Luther King Jr. Examine your abilities and decide whom your skills best represent and then work on drafting your essay based upon your perceived skills. That will be the best way to start responding to either question. We will be here to assist you in developing your response when you need us.

Undergraduate / What do you and XYZ university have in common?(250-350 words) [4]

Sushant, here is the thing, you should be writing a straightforward comparison essay of the commonalities between you and the university that you have chosen to apply to. This is an introspective essay. It asks you to examine your own thoughts and feelings in relation to the mission, vision, and objectives of the university that you are applying to. The commonalities between the two will come from the way that you share some ideologies with the school.

Maybe some shared objectives in terms of education and learning processes also exist for you and the department you have applied to. You could even consider some socio-civic interests as represented by the campus clubs, organizations, training programs, or internships that inspire you to build upon your past or current experiences that stem from your current interests, both academic and social.

You don't need the aesthetic approach if you can find the more basic or unique commonalities between you and the university. The only extra work you have to do in order to complete this essay is to look more into the background of the school. Go beyond the flash and pageantry of the website to get to the core principles, values, and objectives of the university. That is where you should look for the commonalities between the two of you.

Undergraduate / 7 Prime ministers changed after the end of monarchy on 23rd December 2007. [13]

See if you like these first 3 paragraphs that I developed for you to use (if you wish to) in your essay. I believe that this presentation best suits the intellectual interests portion of the essay. You can continue the discussion from the end of what I wrote by presenting the portion where you studied Economics in high school. The merging of politics and economics in that paragraph will strengthen this essay of yours.

Imagine growing in Nepal, knowing nothing but daily "bandhas" (worker strikes) and political riots. Wondering why there was a constant battle for a "chair" that 7 prime ministers since December 23, 2007 could not seem to remain seated on. That was the Nepalese world full of turmoil and political discord that I grew up in. The older I got, the more I came to understand that all of the problems of Nepal stemmed from something called politics. A world where authority over the people was the ultimate prize. The more I learned ...

Writing Feedback / The alteration of an island; new vehicle track and footpath to connect the western and eastern areas [6]

Nina, while you are certainly over the minimum word count of 150 words, you are under the required paragraph count of at least 3. More importantly, your summarized opening statement does not follow the required sentence format either. The main problem with your essay is that you decided to compress all of the illustrated information within the second paragraph when you should have divided the information evenly into 3 paragraphs at least for this essay. There was no lack of material for you to accomplish that task. I guess you just forgot that you had to write this essay that way.

Another missing element from your summary is the description of the original island. This should have been presented in better detail in the second paragraph of the essay in order to explain the changes that occurred later on within the premises. The lack of the original description of the island means that you failed to totally understand the illustrations and, you were not really paying attention to the way that the summary should have actually been written.

Undergraduate / My desire for a liberal arts education with a perfect academic and social environment balance. [3]

Prajuli, you must consider the "open curriculum of Hamilton as an opportunity to better direct your career in Economics. Your current explanation of why Hamilton fits your profile of a unique and enriching learning center for yourself is not really informative nor exciting. The general interest that you have tells the reviewer that you are not focused on creating your own curriculum based upon the class offerings at the university.

In the short answer, concentrate on the classes that you can take in relation to Economics and your classes in Political science. Explain how you Hamilton is a perfect fit for you because the university will allow you to create your own curriculum based upon your differing interests, while still graduating with a focus on a particular major. Examples of classes that seem unrelated in the immediate, but are actually related in your long term educational goals will be best mentioned at this point.

You will need to look deeper into the way that the "open curriculum" works for the existing students read up on the blogs and other sources of alumna information and try to figure out how they best utilized their time at Hamilton. Then try to develop your own line of academic interests along those lines in order to create the "perfect fit" response for yourself.

Undergraduate / 7 Prime ministers changed after the end of monarchy on 23rd December 2007. [13]

Parajuli, please separate the discussions pertaining to Political Science and Economics in your essay. Since you are allowed to discuss two or 3 subjects in the essay, the first paragraph should introduce the basis of your interest in these subjects. Therefore, mentioning the two intellectual interests on your part together in that section is acceptable. However, the discussion of the development of your interest in political science must be separated from the mention of Economics. So it would be best if you just gave an overview of the development of your interest in these two fields, rather than having it immediately represent the growth of your interest in both topics.

You have a proper reference to the development of your intellectual interest in Economics in the second paragraph. What is missing is the proper development of your interest in Political Science. If you want to use your current first paragraph for that purpose, you will need to develop more information to accompany the stand alone sentence referring to the changes in Prime Ministers of your country until 2007. Right now, that sentence really doesn't have any relevance so there is room to develop it as the basis of the foundation of your interest in the two topics.

Maybe there will also be room to further improve the reference to Cornell later in your essay. It will all depend upon how the essay further develops with the addition of information as I am suggesting to you. I look forward to reading your revised essay soon.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: How heat is lost and energy wasted since the air circulation in a house [3]

Your paragraphs are too short to be considered an actual summary of the diagram that you were provided with. I do not see how you expect to present a proper summary overview with only 2 sentences used to give a short version of the process involved in air circulation and heat loss. The standard requirement falls under a minimum of 3 sentences so it would be to your benefit to always present the minimum number of sentences per required paragraph.

This is a fault that is consistent throughout your essay so you should make sure to correct that problem with your succeeding essays. It isn't hard to do. Just keep reminding yourself that each paragraph needs to show 3 sentences. Sometimes, simply dividing the statement of a single long sentence is enough to meet this requirement.

As a point of reference for your future work, I would like you to write the essay first and then refer to other student's work on this forum based on the same topic. Seek out the strongest points of the work of other students and then try to apply their strong points to your own work.

The topics written for the practice test do not change so seeing how those before you wrote their work will probably help you improve your work as well. Specially since the comments regarding the weak points of the original poster will be there for you to reference and correct in your current work, if you and the OP have the same problems with your written work that is. In your case, I believe that this will help you improve your writing tremendously.

Undergraduate / Columbia supplement question- Do I answer the question or is it too vague? [2]

You are asking us to determine if your response to the prompt question is appropriate or vague. I would gladly give your question an answer based upon a review of your essay. The only thing that is holding me back from delivering my response is the fact that you have not provided a copy of the question alongside your essay for our consideration. I am not sure how we can judge the relevance of your essay in this instance. Please provide the guide question so that a proper assessment of your work can be done.

Overall though, the essay delivers an idea as to how you managed to train yourself for your future study difficulties in your field of choice. I am not sure how and why blaming your mother for your failures to accomplish certain things in your life relates to the prompt requirement though. It would seem to me that she was only trying to make sure that you were prepared for any problems that life might throw your way. Maybe the prompt question will hold the response to that. I'll wait for the question then offer a more comprehensive review of the strong and flawed points of your essay.

Writing Feedback / I disagree with the opinion that says always telling the truth in a relationship is important. [4]

Sushant, the first thing you have to do when writing any form of academic essay for a foreign language test, be it IELTS or TOEFL, is that you are required to prove your English comprehension skills in the first paragraph. This is done through the proper paraphrasing of the prompt that you are being asked to discuss. By properly explaining the prompt requirement, with an emphasis on the question and your opinion in the paragraph, the examiner will be able to determine if you have the ability to understand simple English statements and respond to the questions accordingly. Since you did not do anything of the sort in the opening paragraph, you should not expect to get a passing grade in terms of accomplishing the task or task accuracy.

The rest of your essay grade will depend largely on how well you represented the prompt and your decision as to how to discuss it. The terms, "hypothetical" and "robust" are not the correct terms to use when describing your opinion of the topic. That mistake alone will cost you points in terms of the Lexical Resource scoring considerations of your essay.

Pay particular attention to the words that you use. Your grammatical accuracy score will come from properly using words in the context or meaning that you wish to have a sentence deliver. Using big words will not matter in this essay if you are not using the term properly. Big words used with the wrong meaning will adversely affect your score.

Undergraduate / Duke, Pratt College of Engineering Essay: "Why do you want to study at Duke" [3]

Noah, reverse the paragraphs in your essay. The second paragraph immediately offers information as to why you are opting to enroll at Duke over other universities. You just need to further build upon the information already there. Discuss the classes that caught your eye and why you are interested in taking those classes with some other notable name professors. When you say "With such an emphasis..." consider adding information about your future career plans and how Duke will support that ambition of yours. The anecdote, in my opinion, is not really necessary in this statement because it is highly word count sensitive. The word count the anecdote is currently using can be better used in representing the other reasons why you chose Duke.

Bring a balance of academic, and socio-civic interests that you can pursue at Duke in relation to your chosen major. While the anecdote makes the statement light, it doesn't really offer an in-depth reason as to why you are choosing Duke over the other universities. That's why I believe it is not necessary to include this in your essay.

Letters / Counselor's Letter of Recommendation for MIT [8]

Luis, only the first paragraph actually works for the benefit of the student. That is the only part of this essay that is not based on second hand information because it only represents your relevance to the application of Antonio. By the way, it is important that you address Antonio by his full name in the first paragraph. You can address him as Mr. so and so or Antonio in the succeeding parts of the essay. It is just important that you make sure that the reviewer knows who you are talking about in the letter at the beginning.

I am not saying that the information that you have in the current essay cannot be used. What you have to do, to make it useful, is use the first person perspective when discussing Antonio and his accomplishments. Talk about your observations of Antonio as a student. As his school counselor, what kind of interaction did you have with him? What apprehensions might he have had about his academic abilities that you may have helped him overcome? How did he overcome it? How did he react to being directed, guided, or ordered to perform by people in authority?

The aim for your letter, as his vice principal and school counselor is to vouch for the character of Antonio. Was he good student? Did he get into trouble with his classmates? What were his interests that you helped him to pursue? You said he was an appreciative person, so show evidence of this through his interaction with you or your observations of him with his classmates. Those would be better, first hand information that you can share with the reviewer. That information will certainly help the reviewer better consider his application.

Undergraduate / Supportive Family - SOP; undergraduate exchange program (USEFP) [2]

Roonham, this essay is too lighthearted to be an effective statement of purpose. In fact, your purpose for wishing to study in the United States has not been made very clear in this essay. You speak of your family, your desire to study abroad based on merit, and some interests that led to your desire to have a career in Electronic Engineering. However, the true motivation behind the desire to study this course abroad is wanting.

In order to properly address the purpose of this essay you must (1) have an ambition in mind. For example, your purpose for studying in the U.S. would be to gain the proper foundation and early training in the field from MIT, or some other specific school that you wish to attend. Then (2), explain why you feel that you can only gain the kind of academic training that you desire at that school. How does it relate to your professional plans upon your return to Pakistan? These are the purposes for your desire to study abroad.

The reviewer has a need to understand why you would rather study abroad rather than in your country when you have perfectly acceptable universities that offer this major in Pakistan. So you need to make sure that your reasons for wishing to study abroad are much stronger than the simple reasons that you have presented at the moment. You need at least one strong, compelling reason that will convince the reviewer that you deserve to get this scholarship abroad.

Undergraduate / 'the program uniqueness and location of UBC'. Your Opinion on my UBC Admissions Question Response [6]

Christopher, your statement is just a bunch of disconnected comments at the moment that seem more like you developed while reading the website of the university. There is no real connection between your interests and the offerings of the university in the field of Pharmacy. the mention of the professors name doesn't add to the validity of your explanation as to why you wish to study at UBC. In order to properly address the 100 word prompt, you will need to first, look into the course curriculum of UBC and decide what it is about the academic side of learning there that excites you. After that, look at the social offerings of the university and make a comparison of how you can receive a well balanced education at the university. Each aspect should be represented in no more than 50 words each in order to become an effective response. Make sure to use connecting sentences to move your thoughts within the essay. If the essay feels like you are making an outline instead of a statement, then you are not presenting your thoughts properly.

Writing Feedback / Various ways of communication summary - all contribute to conveying information equally [3]

Ignacy, you neglected to represent what I consider to be the key point of the essay prompt. You failed to deliver a statement that represents the best method of communication via the pre-existing media choices. Without that reference to your personal opinion in the essay, your work is incomplete and doesn't totally deliver the task requirements as provided. Therefore, your task accuracy score will be no higher than a 4. The task accuracy, of the method by which you addressed the prompt requirements in totality represents a large part of your score. In fact, if you fail to score at least a 5 in this portion, getting higher scores in the remaining portions will be next to impossible.

That is because you have already shown a failure in terms of English comprehension skills. With faulty comprehension skills represented in the essay from the start of the paraphrased opening statement, there is absolutely no way you can get high ratings for the remaining scoring criteria of the essay.

While you state in the conclusion that the television is the best way to communicate, you are supposed to present that statement as your personal opinion. It is not part of the conclusion of the essay. Therefore, your task accuracy is tremendously faulty. A proper conclusion should have only summarized the discussion and your opinion at the end. It is not supposed to present your opinion as a final statement.

Scholarship / "Hard work and God will never betray you" has been my personal values since I was a child. NTU essay [16]

Hi Piper. Yes, there are some simple grammatical errors that exist in the essay but I do not want to worry abut those parts just yet. You still have to finalize the content of the essay and the form at this point. So it would be best to not edit the text because you may still want to change some of the words that you use in the response. Don't worry though, the grammatical errors are not so bad that it affects the overall thought you are trying to convey. In fact, there are times when I believe the grammatical errors should remain because it adds to the honesty in the voice of the student. However, since that part concerns you, I will help you to correct those mistakes, once we are agreed upon the final content of your essay. ok? Work on the revision first, who knows, the grammatical errors might be of help to you in the end.

Writing Feedback / English spoken throughout the world essay [2]

Ivan, your paraphrased prompt is incomplete. You were supposed to mention that there are languages that are slowly losing their sense of origin because of the emergence of loanwords from the English language. That is one of the key points for discussion in this essay and should have been properly represented in the paraphrasing. Another problem is that you are arguing a problem in the essay when what you are being asked to do is discuss your "opinion" of the topic. There is a tremendous difference between being asked to discuss the extent of your belief as opposed to "arguing" a problem.

This glaring mistake in your task accuracy automatically shows that you did not understand what the prompt is requiring your do in your essay discussion. As such, there is a clear lack of comprehension of the questions posed and instructions given. Therefore, this essay would not have passed the Task Accuracy section and as such, would have automatically failed all of the given scoring criteria for this test.

Since I already explained to you that there is a difference between the way that you chose to present the paraphrased prompt and your discussion when compared to the original, I will give you an opportunity to correct your mistake so that you can practice writing the correct response for this type of essay. I will not immediately give you a failing score since this is a practice test and as such, should be considered the training ground for your testing skills and abilities. Come back here with a more proper discussion that is relevant to the prompt and then I will score you on it. I want to be fair to you and give you a chance to redeem yourself for a better practice test score.

Undergraduate / My great singing performance in the Talent Show of Harvard AUSCR Summit for Young Leaders in China [4]

It is definitely okay and you should develop it further for the presentation. Don't forget, the reviewer will be looking for the humorous side to your stubbornness so make sure to inject some laughs into the narration. This is a very lighthearted essay that should not take itself too seriously, even if the topic you are discussing is as serious as a heart attack. Before I forget, there are some grammatical alterations that need to be done because you are using the wrong term in the essay. These corrections are as follows: o ... when to = went to... , kelp = kept, and WAS not worth for simply adding a number, waited FOR our headmaster. I decided to correct these portions in your current work now because I have a feeling that you will be using those sentences in their original presentations and positions in the paper. We might as well correct those now. I am still looking forward to the revised and enhanced version of this new essay of yours though. From what I can read so far, I am sure this is going to be one funny story by the time you are done with it.

Scholarship / I would like to receive this scholarship to ease the financial burden for my parents [6]

Thanh, this is a highly comprehensive biography combined with your personal statement. I would not know where to begin with regards to editing your work at this point. I know that this is a scholarship application but I am hoping that you were given a series of guide questions / instructions / prompt that can help me in reviewing your information. I am not sure which parts are required and which parts can be removed at this point because of the length of the essay. Please post the instructions as soon as you possibly can so that I can offer you a better review of your work and how to improve it.

It is important that we delete some information from this essay such as the description about your parents and your siblings. Those information do not usually come across as relevant in scholarship application essays. That is, unless it is otherwise required by the scholarship application. The focus of the essay should usually be only on you, as the applicant so I am not quite sure where this paper is headed at this point.

Having indicated one of the most commonly deleted sections of these essays, I have to tell you that I cannot proceed with more relevant advice until I receive further instructions from you regarding the content and focus of the essay discussion. Please post the complete instructions as soon as you can and I will be sure to get back to you with a series of usable instructions as soon as I can.

Scholarship / "Hard work and God will never betray you" has been my personal values since I was a child. NTU essay [16]

This latest version that you wrote is very good and gives an acceptable example for the reviewer to consider with the rest of your application. The only problem that this version has, as far as I can tell, is that the example is in the wrong position within the essay. Proper placement of the example within the overall written work is essential to the impact that it delivers to the reviewer and also, helps to make the essay a better read for the reviewer. So where would I place the example in your essay if I were the one who wrote this work?

Normally, the example is placed immediately after the opening statement. That is usually the spot that has the most impact on the reviewer because he has a tendency to remember the story you are telling. it has to do with the fact that the example is presented early on, before the overload of information in your written work but not too early so that it sounds like your introduction instead.

Therefore, I would place the example immediately after the opening statement. In order to create an effective closing statement with the current 2nd paragraph, all you have to do is remove the word "However" from the start of the paragraph. Open instead with "I trust that..." so that the essay will conclude on a relevant note that reiterates your core value prior to closing the discussion with the reviewer.

Scholarship / I hope to purse a PhD program so as to embrace a teaching career. Statement for PTDF Scholarship [2]

Okoye, the overall essay actually works well towards representing the necessary responses to the prompt guide questions. However, the first part of your essay that deals with the death of your father, your being the first in your family to go on to higher learning, etc. does not really have a place in this essay. It removes the focus from the necessary information and forces the reviewer to deviate from the prompt requirements while reading your essay. It would certainly benefit your paper if you simply omit that unnecessary background and just allow the essay to immediately deliver the necessary responses starting with your current 3rd paragraph.

When an essay offers guide questions to help you focus your response, deviating from the discussion from the very beginning tells the reviewer one thing alone, you are not capable of following the simplest of instructions and yet to aspire to study and complete a masters degree course. He will not have the confidence that you can actually perform well as an MS student if you can't even follow the simplest of essay instructions for your application.

There is a misconception that offering information not required by the prompt, specially at the start of the essay makes it stronger. It does nothing of the sort. It just makes the reviewer decide, early on, that your application is not worth reading. The aim of the essay is to get the reviewer to consider your pertinent information in relation to the prompt requirements. So do not deviate from the prompt. Directness is key in such information intensive essays.

Do not waste the potential of your essay. Your responses are very informative and portrays a real image of a person whose desire to help his mother country is admirable to say the very least. Just remove the unnecessary portion and the essay should be ready to submit.

Essays / Having a huge problem with coming up with chapters, commercial photography essay [4]

Hi Lukas, consider 2 particular topics for discussion in your remaining 2 chapters. The first being that Digital Photography, though more accessible these days, still requires the eye of a photographer in order to properly use the special photography software bundled into cameras and cellphones. The technology may exist but it still takes talent to use it. So professional photographers won't become outdated just because cellphone cameras can now take fantastic pictures. The next chapter, should look into the comparison of talents between the amateur phone camera user and the professional. That comparison should help you explain why professionals will still be needed in the future.

At least, that is assuming that you are supporting that opinion in your research paper. Remember even though this is a research paper, you still have to pick an opinion to present because there is a question that requires answering through the presentation of the pro and con side, concluding with your personal opinion if required to do so.

Graduate / Tell us why you're here...and where you plan to go. Personal Statement for MAC program at UNC [8]

Once you have completed the deletion process, the essay should be ready for use. All it will require is one more read through on your end to make sure that there are no typographical errors, punctuation problems, or grammatical errors. The content of your essay seems to better respond to the prompt requirements at this point so I cannot think of anything else to add to the information that you already have presented.

The only portion that I would have wanted to learn more about is the background of the group that you founded. What is name is, the objective of the group, and its relevance to your future college community participation if any. The way that you have the organization currently presented, it seems that it was integral to the development of your interest in your course of study so it might have some extreme importance or point of consideration for the reviewer to know about. So if you can adjust the essay to shed some more light on that activity, I think you will be able to present a highly important piece of information. It is relevant to the guide question "What leadership experiences demonstrate that you are prepared for this program? " so make sure to highlight that part in whatever way you can.

Graduate / Tell us why you're here...and where you plan to go. Personal Statement for MAC program at UNC [8]

Jiayun, you can start lessening your word count by completely deleting the third paragraph. The reason that you can do this without affecting the rest of the essay is because you are simply detailing the work involved in Risk Management. The reviewer already knows all of this information and does not need the refresher course that the paragraph includes. So, in an effort to lessen your word count, you can cut that paragraph. The essay will then be 628 words in total.

Then proceed to delete paragraph 5. This is a personal statement, not a statement of purpose. Therefore, the 5 year plan should not be included in this discussion. Save that for the statement of purpose instead. Number of words after this deletion? 519. Relevance of your responses? Much improved and more relevant towards the prompt requirements.

Rather than saying you are the co-founder of a rapidly developing group, mention the name of the group. The reviewer will definitely want to fact check your claims regarding the group so be sure to include only accurate and truthful information. Don't hurt your application by presenting non-verifiable or erroneous claims in your statement. You could lose your chance at admission if you do that.

If you remove the last sentence in the last paragraph that mentions Warren Buffet again, your essay will narrow itself down to 484 words. Well within the 500 word maximum. There is no need to keep reminding the reviewer that you wish to become the next Warren Buffet. You need only do that once in order to avoid redundancy. Besides, you are not applying for a job at one of Mr. Buffet's company. So it is best to mention him only once in reference to the inspiration that he provides you to create a career along this path.

Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 1 Process making of bricks for building industry [2]

Sari, where did the term loam, that you keep using throughout most of the essay come from? There is no reference to such a thing in the diagram as I studied it. Please make sure to use accurate lexical references from the diagram alone when describing anything related to the chart, illustration, or diagram that you are discussing in your summary. You will lose points if you make references to words that are not part of the keywords of the actual drawing you are interpreting. What you call a loam is actually called clay in the drawing so you should have used the term clay instead.

Save for that particular question that I have regarding the use of the term 'loam", I do not find your explanation to be in error when compared with the illustration you provided. The method of brick creation is clear and there is an accurate representation of the procedure involved. Therefore, I believe that you would probably score above a 5, probably a 6, in the overall band score for this test. Just be careful of the term usage. Don't use terms not included in the actual copy you are provided.

I did not deduct points for you regarding that this time because this is your first practice test. I will not give you a pass next time. So keep my advice in mind. In an actual test, the use of the term could have had a deduction done on your final lexical resource or grammar accuracy score.

Research Papers / Comparing Foreign Ownership, Return Volatility, Volume, and Risk Among ASEAN Countries [4]

Ahmad, your abstract should include a reference to the model of testing that you will be using in order to produce experimental results for your various foreign ownership hypothesis. Each theory will be tested in a specific manner. Therefore, your summary will not be complete if you do not mention how the research will be conducted and what the expected results are to be. Keep in mind that an abstract is a summarized version of your research paper so it needs to accurately present the thesis, the testing method, and the results in an accurate manner.

You have a pretty good abstract here. Just make sure to add the missing information in order to create a stronger and more informative abstract for your paper. It is not possible for you to speak of research outcomes in the summary if you do not make a reference as to how these outcomes were arrived at. So you need to present the short form of the test or research conducted, with a reference to a more complete presentation within the actual research paper body.

Undergraduate / My great singing performance in the Talent Show of Harvard AUSCR Summit for Young Leaders in China [4]

Jessica, this is your opportunity to show a different side of your personality to the reviewer. Do you really want to use it talking more about singing when you are being encouraged to think outside of your comfort zone and present a side of you that the reviewer may not know about based upon the standard application prompts? Personally, I would strongly encourage you to present something other than singing to the reviewer.

Perhaps you have a quirky character trait like collecting colorful rubber bands. Or a strange interest such as taking care of an ant farm. Maybe you can ride a unicycle. Think of sharing some information about you that will have the reviewer believe that there is still more to you as a person than just being a good singer. Aside from singing, what other activity do you enjoy doing? Try to share that side with the reviewer.

As a supplemental essay, this is your chance to talk about something other than what the reviewer knows you are applying for, so go beyond singing. Find that unique something about you that could help the reviewer decide that you just might have more to you than meets the eye.