Undergraduate / 'international student and academic atmosphere' - Boston University Essay [4]

Greetings!

I think you have a good essay here. It just needs a little smoothing in places.

"What attracts me to Boston University is its atmosphere; both academically and environmentally." - the semicolon should be a comma. I'm not sure "environmentally" is a very descriptive term here; I'm not really sure what you mean by it. Also, I think this sentence belongs in the next paragraph. It really doesn't fit with the sentence that follows. You could start with "I first came across Boston University ..."

first choice prospective university - since you're using it as an adjective, say "first-choice"; same with "newly dug-out" although to me, that's a little awkward. What about just saying "the pamphlets I'd brought home"?

"Boston University has one of the largest international undergraduate populations; not only will it offer me the multi-cultural education that I've been used to all my life, but at the same time, it will 'broaden my horizons'." This should be two sentences. Make the semicolon a period. And "largest international undergraduate populations" where? In the U.S.?

"survive in a new environment, without the aid of parents and old friends is important." - put a comma after "friends."

"With 400 student organizations promoting diversity, the essentiality of fitting in will become automatic and instinctive." This sentence is not very well-constructed. You could say,"With 400 student organizations promoting diversity, Boston University encourages a student like me to both fit in and embrace new experiences."

I agree that "strong interaction" is not the best word choice. What about "ongoing interaction" or "important" or "vital" interaction?

"But, to me," is an acceptable way to start that paragraph, but I think it's unnecessary. You could just begin with "Going to university ..." By the way, using "university" without an article is a more British form of expression (we Americans might say "Attending a university"), as is spelling "programs" as "programmes." I doubt that that makes any difference, but thought I'd mention it. I don't see how your not being an American citizen could be a disadvantage when applying for admission to a school with "one of the largest international undergraduate populations." It sounds as if they encouage foreign enrollment.

Best of luck to you -- and try to relax!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Keeping cool - Essay revise [2]

Greetings!

I like the way you begin with your own personal reaction to the heat. Your description in the opening is very good! However, you don't really keep this tone going throughout the essay. When you say "With blackened and bleeding lips, they suffer agonizing thirst" this is an intense description that really paints a picture for the reader. But your next sentence sounds like a passage from a medical textbook: "On reaching home, they immediately take a bath and cool themselves down and maintain the homeostatic control of the body." Try using the same type of descriptive prose, like this: "On reaching home, they hurry to plunge into the inviting coolness of a soothing bath, letting the water splash away the memory of unrelenting heat." Do you see the difference? :-)

Because you are creating a descriptive picture of the heat's effect, I'd wait until the end to talk about the ways people cool themselves down. For instance, in your second paragraph, you bring in the air conditioners and beverages. Consider keeping things like this until the end, then injecting a bit of hope into the heat-scourged landscape: "The people do what little they can to relieve the suffocating demon that is summer in [name of where this takes place]. With sighs of relief they install air conditioners that keep the monster outside their homes and offices; they pour iced beverages down their scorched throats, and slip into clothing that is as thin as modesty will allow. When possible, they escape to the mountains, where cooling breezes provide relief, if only for a week or two."

You can use your own words, of course, but what I'm trying to get across is that you have created a very effective atmosphere in your opening lines, and I think you should carry that tone through the entire essay, to make it have greater impact.

A couple of other suggestions:

Something that new writers commonly struggle with is tense. Your essay flips back and forth between present tense and past tense. For example: "Afternoons are lonely and quite [you mean "quiet"]." That's present tense. "Nothing stirred." That's past tense. Pick one tense or the other and stick with it.

"As I stood at the bus stop rays of sunlight bathed my face." - put a comma after "stop."

"Everywhere there laid a dismal picture because of the intense heat." This is a bit awkward. How about, "The intense heat covered the city in a dismal blanket of oppression" or something like that.

"god had pressed the mute button" - Say "God."

I'm not sure how to give you marks; your teacher will have his or her own method for that. But I think if you can incorporate some of these suggestions, your overall marks will improve. :-))

I hope this is helpful to you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Other ways to incorporate a quote? [10]

Greetings!

This is a good question! Your writing will be better if you switch things up a bit. You could say, "[Author] had a unique perspective on this question: "[insert quote]." Or, "As [author] noted, "[insert quote]."

Sometimes you can use the reason you are incorporating the quote to help you. For example, let's say you are drawing a contrast between one viewpoint and another: "The Puritans thought life should consist of hard work, but Butler had a different perspective: "...the principle business of life is to enjoy it." Keeping in mind why you are quoting the author can help you introduce the quote more smoothly.

If you'd like specific suggestions on an essay you've written, I'd be glad to help!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / MAJOR HELP REQUIRED [Perception Vs. Perspective] [6]

Greetings!

I think you have a good start here, and I like your title (but make the "v" in "vs." a small one).

Your first sentence is a little confusing; I agree that you could probably find a better analogy. How about something like "Human perception is as unique to each individual as the DNA from which he or she is made."

When you give an example like the courtroom one, be as specific as you can so that the reader gets a real picture of what you are describing. For instance, "an experiment that was done regarding the court" is too vague. An experiment done by whom? What court? If you don't know and can't find out the specifics, say something like "One experiment, conducted in a courtroom, revealed just how differently the same event can be viewed by a group of people."

If you talk about how this shows "how different we all are in perception and perspective" you need to define what the difference is between the two terms, particularly since your title indicates that you are drawing a contrast between them. If your paper is not about how perception differs from perspective, you might need to re-think your title.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / A a system to think without system; Opinions on an unorthodox approach essay? [2]

Greetings!

You appear to have the mind of a philosopher! I think this is a very creative essay, although a little difficult to comprehend in places. As to whether or not it is acceptable--that depends on its purpose. It is, indeed, an unorthodox approach to an essay, but I happen to find that refreshing. Whether your instructor will feel the same way depends on the directions you were given.

Your use of language is quite elegant in several instances. For example, I love the phrase "crystallizing his painting before it hits the canvas"--it perfectly expresses the idea of an artistic concept that is killed before birth because of outside criticism and self-doubt.

On the other hand, there is the sentence "That concludes why my every tampering abates for a battle of mind over mind." This one I don't get. By "concludes" do you mean "explains"? And does the word "for" really belong in the sentence?

Back to expressions I love: "I crave this paradox: a system to think without system." An excellent example of the creative philosopher's dilemma.

But then there's this one: "It is a rabbit hole of the mind that can never be concurred." "Concur" means "agree" or "cooperate"; I'm not sure how that illuminates your meaning (which is important, since it's your last sentence). I do, however, like the phrase "rabbit hole of the mind"; it's very evocative.

I think you've done a nice job with your essay, and you seem to have an excellent grasp of language and creative abilities in using it. Again, I can't say whether this work matches your instructor's criteria, but I can tell you I hope that you keep on writing; you have talent!

Good luck and best wishes,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / Themes in Macbeth: Consequences of Corruption [11]

Greetings!

It appears to me that you did a thorough job of explaining the role of corruption in MacBeth. I wouldn't begin to try to read your teacher's mind; grading is a very subjective thing. Would it be possible for you to ask your teacher for feedback? That would be of the most help when you write your next essay.

As to what I see in this paper: there are a few minor problems with punctuation, but nothing outstanding. I think some of the paragraphs are a little long, and could probably be pared down while retaining the same amount of information. The information itself, however (that is, your thinking and reasoning processes) are quite good. Your writing style, too, is good, especially for someone in the 10th grade who is just beginning to learn to write in an analytical manner.

I encourage you to see if you can find out what the teacher found objectionable about the essay. Frankly, I'm stumped as to why you got the grade you did.

Good luck, and keep writing! You do it quite well!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Student Talk / What grade will i get in my exams? [6]

Greetings!

Yes, you have a good command of English. I realize you are still learning, so I hope the feedback I give you helps.

As for grading your essays--my opinion would undoubtedly be different from that of your teacher. Also, I'm not seeing the final version, so it wouldn't be fair to grade you on what is really just a draft. In other words, it would be best to let your teacher give a grade to the final product. I'm just here to help you along the way! :-))

Best of luck to you, Aysha!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / THE 12th CENTURY RENAISSANCE; history class essay [5]

Greetings, again!

You're right--this is a nice, long essay, but I can at least help you get started!

"According to the Oxford Advanced Learner's Dictinory "renaissance" means a situation when there is new interest in a particular subject, form of art after a period when it was not very popular."

I think this was probably a typo, but "Dictionary" is spelled wrong. My first suggestion would be to run the spell-check on the essay in your computer. ;-) Also, something seems to be missing from the sentence; should it be ". . . subject or form of art . . . "? The comma seems to be out of place in that phrase.

"The other meaning of "renaissance" in the same dictionary stands for the Italian renaissance."

Capitalize "Renaissance" in the "Italian Renaissance" reference, since you are naming a particular epoch.

"However, there is an other period which is called "The Twelfth Century Renaissance" which played a significant role in Europe's history."

It might sound a little smoother to say, "However, another period also played a significant role in Europe's history. It was called "The Twelfth Century Renaissance."

"Afterwards, about 7th and 8th centuries, Muslims attacked the Mediterranean and the trade and communication between East Europe and West Europe ceased."

Insert "the" in front of "7th", then delete "the" before "trade." How about "Eastern and Western Europe"?

"These two significant events culminated in a rural society, quite different from the Roman Empire which was an urban civilization."

How about: ". . . quite different from the urban civilization of the Roman Empire."

"With the changes, a new economic system was founded, feudalism."

You could say ". . . a new economic system called feudalism was founded" or "feudalism became the new economic system throughout Europe." Or something like that.

"Within the lord's castle and land, there was a perish church, which systemized the life."

You mean "parish" rather than "perish." (Look up the meaning of "perish", as applied in this sentence; I think you'll be amused.) :-))

"Until the revival of trade, during feudalism, people lived in a small world which was the castle."

". . . the small world of the castle" would be better.

"Many members of the feudalic society were illiterate and they knew nothing but work."

It should be "feudal" rather than "feudalic."

"For example, by declaring, "People who suffer in this world will find happiness in the presence of God", the Church made the poor peasants feel better and work within the feudalism."

Delete "the" before "feudalism." Also, the comma should go inside the quotation marks.

"However, feudalism like many other economic systems came to an end with the revival of trade."

Insert a comma after "feudalism" and "systems."

"Christianity, while leading the social and economic life in many aspects, directed the lords, chivalries, and other eager feudal warriors to the lands of Muslim."

Either say "the lands of the Muslims" or "Muslim lands."

"By this way, the Church was planning to expand the christianity to muslims and also to capture the Holy lands."

Say either "In this way" or "By this method." Delete "the" before "Christianity," which you need to capitalize, along with "Muslims."

"Crusaders were on the scene of the Medieval Age."

"Crusaders played a prominent role in the Medieval Age" would sound more scholarly. :-)

"Crusades took place from the beginning of the 11th century."

"The" should be the first word in the sentence. I would also advise giving an ending date, or range of dates.

"The raids of the Crusades did not reach the targets of the Church, while it played an important role in the revival of the trade."

I think "did not accomplish the goals" would be more clear than "did not reach the targets." Also, I would change "while it" to "although they." And delete "the" in front of "trade."

"Furthermore, the Crusades provided an advantegeous position in the Mediterranean Sea for Christians against the Muslims, weakened the papacy, and lastly, the aristocrats, in other words, the land lords lost power because of the Crusades."

"Advantegeous" should be "advantageous." I would change "and lastly, the aristocrats, in other words, the land lords lost power because of the Crusades" to "and weakened the power of the aristocracy throughout Europe." I'm pretty sure the reader will be aware of the definition of "aristocracy." Also, it isn't necessary to mention the Crusades again; once is enough.

"Trade transformed the feudal society which is rural, into an urban civilization like the Roman Empire."

I would say "the rural feudal society." I try to avoid using "which is" as much as possible when I write.

"The new markets, and the new inventions such as plow increased the agricultural production."

Delete the comma. Insert "the" in front of "plow" and delete it from in front of "agricultural."

"The peasants searched for new lands, at the end, forests and also marshes transformed into agricultural lands."

How about: "In a search for new land, the peasants transformed even forests and marshes into agricultural properties."

"The peasants were in better conditions by the help of the trade and the urban life; consequentl, the population increased during this period."

I suggest: "Trade and urban life improved conditions for the peasants, and as a consequence, population increased during this period."

"Aristocrats freed their peasants, rent hem lands in order to gain money, because money was important again, and the lords were eager to take part in this new life style."

I'm not sure if my idea is historically accurate, but if it is, I would suggest: "Money, rather than barter, was now the coin of the realm. The lords were eager to participate in this new prosperity; they freed their peasants and rented them land for monetary payments."

"In line with these changes in the feudal life style, a new group of people appeared in the scene of Europe, merchants."

I would move the merchants to the middle of the sentence: ". . . a new group of people--merchants--became important on the European economic scene."

"The revival of trade and the revival of cities made the capital important, the importance of land decreased."

Begin the sentence: "As the revival . . .

"The changes during the 11th century, changed the structure of Europe."

Delete the comma. Also, I suggest not using "change" twice; maybe you could substitute "innovations" for the first one.

"If it these changes had not taken place, Europe probably would be a different society, maybe a society which is based on agriculture."

Again, I suggest deleting "which is." You don't need it in this case.

Your essay shows that you've done some in-depth research and have a good grasp of your subject. My time is up for now, but I would be glad to take a look at the rest of it tomorrow.

Meanwhile, best wishes to you!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / "Nobody gave me a chance! [2]

Greetings!

I'll be glad to help with proofreading your essay. Let's take a look:

"I had seen her for along time."

Do you mean that you had not seen your friend for a long time? (Notice that "a long" is two words.)

"This was the not he friend which I used to know."

You need a "t" in "the" (it was a typo, right?). :-)

"She let out deep sigh. I could see tears almost welling up in her eyes but she was determined not to give it to the sobs that flared in her throat. She spoke her min d to me."

Another couple of typos: insert "a" before "deep sigh" and take out the space in "mind." Also, you need a comma after "eyes."

"Although her mother was a very strict woman with a stern face she kept the hose in pink ok perfection but she never tried to understand her children."

I think you mean "house" rather than "hose" and "the pink of perfection" (that's a nice use of idiom, by the way). Insert a comma after perfection.

"The same problem was aleena my best friend."

Captitalize Aleena's name (this applies throughout the essay). I don't think the meaning is clear in this sentence. Maybe you could say, "She certainly didn't understand Aleena, my best friend" or something like that.

"Her mother wanted aleena to marry as soon as possible so tat she gets riddance from her responsibility."

Insert the "h" in "that." ". . . so that she would be rid of the responsibility of raising her daughter" would be a more idiomatic way of finishing the sentence.

"She never thought what allena's will was and married her to a man who was her father's age."

"Considered" might be a more exact word than "thought."

"Aleena did not like him either and had no intentions to marry him."

A more idiomatic phrase would be ". . . and had no intention of marrying him." I suggest deleting "either."

"She awaited her Akbar on her wedding day and had planned to run away with him but unfortunately her mother knew the plan."

Insert a comma before "but unfortunately." It would also be a good idea to introduce Akbar before this point; he appears rather suddenly. Could you perhaps say that Aleena was in love with him at a previous point in the story?

"She called a question to aleena's character and made her forcibly marry that old man."

"She called Aleena's character into question" is more idiomatically correct.

"That was true for her because money cannot buy everything not even happiness."

Insert a comma after "everything."

"She spoke under her breath, "No body gave me a chance!"

"Nobody" is one word.

"A single tear emerged and from my eye and trickled down my cheek."

Delete "and."

"I felt that I could hibernate from this world but what could I do?"

I think you meant "I felt that I had been hibernating while all this was going on, but what could I do now?"

"With my head in my hands I fell into deep thoughts."

"Thought" would be better than "thoughts" in this case. Also, you need a comma after "hands."

What a sad story! You told it very effectively, with a lot of emotion. It just needs a few minor changes to make it even better.

Good luck to you!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / PUBLIC UNIVERSITY OR A PRIVATE ONE? [3]

Greetings!

I'll be glad to help with your essay. I think you've done a good job of outlining the advantages and disadvantages of private vs. public universities. Now for the proofreading:

"Private universities fascinate students with the opportunities they offer: various social activities, physical facilities, and renowned academic stuff."

"Stuff" is a very informal word. I would choose something more formal, since this is an academic essay. Maybe "courses" or "offerings" would work for you.

"First obvious difference, between private and public univerties is the physical facilities they offer."

Add "The" before "first" and delete the comma.

"The libraries, classrooms, cafeterias, sports centers of private universities are more modern than the ones in public universities."

Insert "and" before "sports centers."

"Because of the fees they acquire from the students, private universities have enough sources to provide such facilities which cover the needs of the students."

Change "sources" to "resources" and "which" to "to."

"In addition, the government support for public universities is quite inadequate; they even don't have the source to buy new books or magazines for their libraries."

Again, change "source" to "resources." The difference between the words is subtle. In this case, a "source" means something that supplies information, while a "resource" is a supply of available money (a "financial resource").

"In private universities, social activities such as: students clubs, seminars, trips, workshops are organized with the support of the universities financial sources."

You don't need the colon. It's true that the colon is often used before a list of things, but not when you continue the sentence after the list. Also, insert "and" before "workshops" and add an apostrophe to "universities'."

"In spite of the dissimilarities about physical facilities and social activities of private and public universities, they share some important similarities: both have renowned and prestigious academic stuff and they are eager for academic researches."

Change "about" to "between" and "researches" to "researchers" or "research" (this applies to the next paragraphs as well). Again, I would advise using a different word than "stuff."

"Many public universities spare an important part of their budget for academic research, instead of sparing the scarce financial sources for social activities."

"Utilize" or "allocate" might work better than "spare." "Spare" implies that they are making a sacrifice when they decide how to allocate their funds; actually, they are making a business decision. :-)

"In conclusion, public and private universities are dissimilar in some aspects; however, they are alike in two significant issues, they both have adequate academic stuff, and they both support academic research."

Replace the comma after "issues" with a colon. It works best in this case. There's that pesky word "stuff" again! How about using "offerings" instead?

"Although the mentioned differences between them may seem important for some people, the education system of the universities is the most important issue."

I suggest deleting "mentioned." It's already implied, since you are summarizing everything you said before.

I am VERY impressed! You have an excellent command of English. I have seen essays written by native English speakers that are not nearly as well-written as yours. Congratulations!

I hope these suggestions help. It's sometimes difficult to explain to a student learning English just why a certain rule does or doesn't apply to their work. English is a very difficult language to learn; it's full of tricks and exceptions to the rules (as I'm sure you know!).

Best of luck with all your studies!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / oral history project essay / gender theme [20]

You can only include the things you can find. :-)

I hope this will go well for you. You've certainly put a lot of effort into it!

I'm retiring for the evening, but I wanted to wish you the best before I went. Take care!

Sarah

Writing Feedback / oral history project essay / gender theme [20]

Well, the usual way to write a concluding paragraph is to restate your thesis, then sum up the points you have made in the body text, along with any solutions you may be able to offer, or suggestions for further research into the topic.

In this case, I believe your thesis was that educational training methods have changed considerably since Mrs. X's day, is that correct? You could then say something about how the situation is better now for women, and why; you could also mention how the strict schooling she received has been replaced by _______ (I'm not sure what, but I'll bet you know, since you're going through it!).

I don't know that this type of essay requires solutions or suggestions for further research, but you might say something about the general state of teacher education in Ireland ("Teachers today are fortunate that Irish teacher education has progressed in attitude and policy", or something like that).

Sarah

Writing Feedback / oral history project essay / gender theme [20]

I think you've got it pretty well covered, although I'm certainly no expert on Irish educational policy history. :-) But yes, it does make sense, and I think this is probably exactly the kind of thing they are looking for in your essay. The part about the pensions is another good example of gender preferances.

I'd advise you to change "teaching on marriage" in the second sentence to "teaching when they got married." Otherwise, it sounds like they were banned from teaching the subject of marriage.

Be sure to read the whole essay out loud when you finish it, paying close attention to what you hear. That way you can catch any small errors that you overlooked when reading it, or any sentences that aren't quite as clear as you'd like them to be.

Hope this helps!

Sarah

Book Reports / ROLE OF THE MYSTIC UTTERANCE "OM"; Herman Hesse's Siddhartha [2]

Greetings!

Boy, does this take me back! I read Siddhartha about a gazillion years ago. I think you did a fine job of describing the role that Om plays in Siddhartha's journey. I like your writing style very much; having said that, I also think you've either had a few cut-and-paste accidents, or started a revision here and there without quite finishing it. That can happen when you're trying to get something from your computer into a post!

Let me give you an example:

"Near the unknowingly end of Siddhartha's quest, after many years of frustration, Siddhartha listens strongly to the flowing river of which has has lived with for many years."

I'm pretty sure that's not what you meant to write. I would question what you mean by "unknowingly end" and "the flowing river of which [he] has lived with for many years."

I'll give you the same advice I give to all articulate, native-English speakers like yourself: read your essay out loud, listening very carefully to what you are saying. The goofy stuff will jump out at you! I use that method myself, and I never fail to find something on the page that's way different from what I meant to say.

You show a lot of insight in what you wrote; just look for the spots that don't make sense when you hear them, and you'll do well. Oh--and in the last sentence, use a semi-colon instead of a comma after "relationship." :-)

Best of luck, and enjoy your winter break!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / oral history project essay / gender theme [20]

I wish we'd learned dancing when I was in school! I got stuck with Methods of Teaching Physical Education. :-(

Adding the additional details gives your paper more immediacy, in my opinion. I feel for Mrs. X; I wouldn't want to have been a student in her school!

Good luck with the essay. I wish I could give you more ideas on the context portion, but I'm pretty much tapped out. Take care!

Sarah

Writing Feedback / oral history project essay / gender theme [20]

Yeah, I thought music might still be part of the curriculum (I took a class called Methods of Teaching Music when I was getting my degree), but I kind of doubted they still teach the tango. ;-)

It's a very interesting view of how times have changed!

Sarah

Writing Feedback / oral history project essay / gender theme [20]

Hullo--

Well then, maybe you can use her training experiences as a contrast to training today. You'd certainly find some differences! And you could use the all-girl school in the gender theme. If she said anything at all about how she ran her classroom, I would include that.

I'm guessing that they want you to compare the modern day methods of instruction to those of the past. What is life like for education students today, compared to Mrs. X's experiences? The lifting of the marriage ban is one big difference for women (which also addresses the gender issue). Are more men getting into the profession nowadays? Are there salary differences between the sexes? Is teacher training more professional? Are practices like the criticism lectures encouraged or discouraged? Are music and dancing still taught?

Since your information is almost exclusively about teacher training, that's what I'd focus on.

Good luck!

Sarah

I realized as I was writing this that all the sewing and dancing--the girl stuff--might have occurred in Mrs. X's school days before she received teacher training. Or did she receive special teaching instruction at all? It may be that this will be clear to an Irish reader, but since I'm not familiar with the educational system there (especially in Mrs. X's day), I'm a little confused.

Writing Feedback / oral history project essay / gender theme [20]

Greetings--I'm back!

OK, let's finish:

"They had a choice of doing a 3yr course In Trinity college in Dublin City but Mrs. X went to Mary Immaculate College in Limerick City and boarded there."

I would specify who "they" are; "Education students", perhaps? "In" doesn't need to be capitalized, but "College" does. Also, spell out "three-year" and insert a comma after "Dublin City."

"Most pupils didnt go to Trinity as it was too expensive. Had to pay fees of 64 pounds a year and extras."

I see three problems here: you need an apostrophe in "didn't", you need to insert a comma after "Trinity," and your third sentence is incomplete. How about: " . . . expensive; students had to pay . . . "

"The I.N.T.O was complaining about the preparatory schools as they felt it was unfair that pupils who went to these schools had a unfair advantage over pupils who completed their Leaving Certificate and who were trying to gain access to the teaching colleges.

All nuns lecturing and they would inspect the cleaning"

First, you need a period after the "O" in "I.N.T.O." As to the rest: the first sentence is too long, and the second is incomplete and unclear. Let's see . . . how about: "The I.N.T.O. complained that the graduates of preparatory school had an unfair advantage over pupils . . . " I'm not sure what the nuns have to do with this. Oh, I think I see--you're describing life in the prep schools, is that correct?

If that's the case, then you need to introduce that topic. Maybe, "Life in the preparatory schools was strict and regimented." Or something like that. You can tie that in with Mrs. X's upbringing, since you said her father was strict.

Back to the nuns: "The nuns inspected the pupil's dormitories [or classrooms--whatever Mrs. X told you] for cleanliness, and gave stern lectures if conditions didn't meet their expectations." Is that close to what you meant? Going on:

"Sewing was every evening for half an hour and they had a Easter Oral Sewing Exam which included hemming, cross stitching, Running, Back Stitch, Blanket stitch, French seam, Fell seam, hedgetear, Woolen patch, Darn, Knit heel of a sock."

How about: "Every evening, the pupils received sewing instruction; an oral sewing exam every Easter included . . . " In the list, you only need to capitalize "French." Also, insert "and" before the last item.

"Lot of music =piano, choral work, voice training, Ballroom dancing, Tango"

Sounds like this came straight from your notes. :-)) Try: "There was extensive musical instruction in piano, chorus, and vocal training, as well as lessons in ballroom dancing and the tango."

"All letters were opened, in and out. They were given at 8.30 in the evening when they were doing sewing."

How about: "Pupils received their mail at 8.20 in the evening, during sewing instruction. All correspondence, incoming and outgoing, was inspected by the nuns."

"Silence was emphasised in the corridors and there were penalties if caught talking which was a week without being allowed to talk."

How about: "Silence was required in the corridors; students caught talking would be penalized by a week of enforced silence."

"Nuns watched at top and bottom of stairs to enforce the rules."

Insert "the" in front of "top," "bottom" and "stairs."

"They were allowed a visit one Sunday a month."

You need to specify that the students were allowed the visits. Otherwise, it sounds like the nuns were.

"Had criticism lessons or demonstrations in the main hall on a Friday afternoon every week or every two weeks."

You can insert "They" at the beginning of the sentence, since you just (I assume) changed the above sentence and mentioned the students. :-)

"The student who was doing the lesson stood in centre and a primary class was brought in for the lesson to be practiced on."

Insert "the" before "centre" and a comma after "lesson."

"When the children left, the lecturers then proceeded to tell you what you had done wrong."

It's not a good idea to switch point of view here to "you." Keep it in the third person and say, " . . . proceeded to tell the critic what she had done wrong." (I'm assuming this was an all-girl school.)

"This was a negative approach though it helped in some way and was done in every subject."

I would say, "Although this was a negative approach, it helped in some ways and . . . "

"The directions had to be given in Irish and communicate to class in Irish."

I'm not sure about this; are the giving of directions and the communicating to the class two different things? If so, I would finish the sentence: " . . . and communication to the class was in Irish, too."

"They had a Cert for Christian Doctrine (Like Dip. Religion now)"

"Like" doesn't need to be capitalized. I think you should spell out "Diploma" (if that's what "Dip." stands for). And you need a period at the end of the sentence.

"As Mrs. X was in the Teacher traingin college from 1958 till 1960, the marraige ban that had come into effect in 1932 didnt restarin her as this decision was removed from the code in June 30 1958 by Minister Mr.Lynch and had been operative since July 1, 1958."

Oops--you've got some typos. Check your spelling on "training," "marriage," and "restrain." You also need an apostrophe in "didn't," a comma after "her," commas on either side of the first "1958," and a space between "Mr." and "Lynch." I would end the sentence after this gentleman's name, since the rest restates what you just said.

I'm guessing that you wrote this last part in a hurry, is that right? :-) I understand, believe me!

As for your question about context: I'm not much more clear about what they want than you are, but I would assume that you're supposed to tie Mrs. X's current teaching practices to her educational background. For instance, does she run a strict classroom because of her strict training, or does she go in the opposite direction? How much Irish does she speak to her pupils? Does she include Irish stories and/or history? Are the sewing lessons still a part of the modern curricula (I hope not!), and if so, how does she feel about that? Does she think pupils today are too loud, compared with the relative silence of her schooling? I suggest taking each element that you have written about and asking yourself how Mrs. X is incorporating it (or rejecting it) in her classroom today.

I hope this has been helpful. Good luck, and best wishes!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / oral history project essay / gender theme [20]

Hello again!

I'll need to look at your essay in two different posts, so please bear with me!

"On the 3rd of December at 1.00 p.m. I called to Mrs. X to conduct the interview and we sat in the lounge and I started by asking her questions about her primary school experience."

How about changing this to two sentences: "On the 3rd of December at 1.00 p.m., I called on Mrs. X to conduct the interview. We sat in the lounge, and I started by asking her questions about her primary school experience."

"I asked open ended questions so I would not be soliciting any bias answers and also allowed her to elaborate if she wanted to."

Insert a hypen in "open-ended." "Bias" needs to be "biased". I would end this sentence there, then continue: "This method also allowed her . . . "

"'A second conception of the interview is that of a transaction which inevitable has bias, which is to be recognised and controlled'. (Cohen)"

You might want to check your quotation; it probably says "inevitably" rather than "inevitable." Also, the period needs to be moved to after the citation. If you are citing in MLA format, you need to add the page number of your quotation (don't use a comma between the author's name and the page number). If you are using APA or some other format, you can let me know and I'll look up the rule.

"As well as this listening to her response and preparing the next question."

Hmm . . . I'm not sure of your meaning. Are you trying to say that you would listen to her response and then choose the next question based on what the response had been?

"After a brief few minutes The individual started to feel at ease and more relaxed as Ken Howarth in The Oral History Handbook calls the 'Warming up period'."

If you want to say "the individual" rather than "Mrs. X", use a small "t." :-) I would end the sentence at that point, then start a new one: "Ken Howard, in The Oral History Handbook, calls this the 'warming up period.'" Notice that the period needs to go before the quotation mark. (Just as an aside, you may notice that I use the double quotation mark; that's just the difference between British [pardon me, Irish] and American English.) Again, if you are writing in MLA format, you will need to cite the page number of your quotation in parentheses, with the period following.

"Her background was very disciplined, her father was a sergeant and her mother was very musical."

Use a semi-colon rather than a comma.

"There was corporal punishment in the school but she doesn't ever remember being slapped."

Insert a comma after "school."

"In 6th Class she received a scholarship in the Primary Cert to go to St. Anne's secondary school where she received her Intercert."

Insert commas after "6th Class" and "school."

"There was eighteen children in the class there."

Use "were" rather than "was", since "children" is plural.

"She was taught Irish, Mathematics, English, History, Geography, Latin, Domestic Science, physiology and Christian Doctrine."

I think that "Physiology" should be capitalized, since all the rest are.

"The priest would visit to give an oral exam on the Doctrine. All of the subjects were taught through Irish except for History and Geography."

I would say "in Irish" rather than "through Irish"--unless that's the idiomatic way to say it on your side of the pond. :-)

"Husband did all of his subjects through Irish."

Insert "Her" before "husband."

"Honours Irish was a requirement for the teacher training course and needed 2,000 marks to get a good job."

I would say "in order to get a good job."

All right, that takes us about halfway through. I'll be "back in a few," as we say over here. Hang tight!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / oral history project essay / gender theme [20]

Greetings!

Nice to see you back again!

This sounds like an interesting project. Let's take a look at what you have so far:

"Introduction?"

Yes, indeed, the first paragraph is an introduction. No question about it. :-) From there on, you're into the body of your text.

"I could have chosen a few different themes to work with from this interview but I chose the themes teacher training and gender difference."

I recommend inserting a semi-colon after "interview", dropping "but" an inserting "of" after "themes."

"As the individual didn't willingly like to be recorded, I wrote the conversation on paper which can be seen in the appendix."

How about something like: "Since [or, As] this individual was not willing to be recorded, I transcribed the conversation, which can be seen in the appendix."

"The person interviewed will be regarded as Mrs. X in this report and the educational experiences described in the interview will not be named for confidentiality reasons."

Do you mean the location of the educational experiences will not be revealed?

"I contacted Mrs. X by posting her a letter and consent form with a stamped self-addressed envelope for returning, asking would she be willing to contribute to my research project by letting me interview her for one hour, regarding her life in primary school, her teacher training experience and working as a primary school teacher."

This needs to be condensed a little. How about saying ". . . a stamped, self-addressed return envelope. I requested a one-hour interview regarding her teacher training experience and life as a primary school teacher."

"I informed her that I would like to tape the conversation for my own purposes and that the conversation would be confidential I also enclosed a list of questions that I wanted to discuss so in the interview she would be aware of the questions I wanted to ask even though I did inform her I probably wouldn't ask all of the questions."

I think you're missing some punctuation here. You need a period after "confidential", and the second sentence could use tightening up: "I enclosed a list of questions and informed her I would be choosing some of them for discussion in our interview."

"On receiving the consent form, the individual had enclosed her telephone number so we could arrange a time to suit us both. I telephoned her and we arranged to meet on the 3rd of November 2006 at her home."

"The individual" sounds very clinical, which is fine if that is the tone you want to establish. Personally, I would prefer to use "Mrs. X," but that may not be your choice. :-) Actually, on second look, the paragraph needs some clarification: "Mrs. X [or, The individual] returned the consent form along with her telephone number, and we arranged to meet on the 3rd of November at her home."

OK, you're off to a good start! I'll be looking for more posts as you work!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay: From ARPANET to the Internet [4]

You're welcome--I was glad to help!

Isn't the thesaurus a great tool? I love mine! I use the thesaurus feature in Word all the time.

Good luck!

Sarah

Writing Feedback / Essay: From ARPANET to the Internet [4]

Greetings, Michael!

You have written a fine expository essay! I saw only a few places where changes need to be made:

"It has evolved from that feeble and quite slow age computing."

I think you left out "of" in front of "computing."

"The Internet has turned into a device that provides services for almost any age."

Did you mean "any age of consumer"?

"It can be used as the ever so profound communication service, which can include all ranges of communication including those of advertising purposes."

Insert hypens in "ever-so-profound". I would also change "of advertising" to "for advertising."

"However, with such and ease of use and simply enjoyable experience of email, we also must deal with the annoying advertisements commonly referred to as spam or junk."

I think you probably didn't mean to include "and" between "such" and "ease".

"The answer is simple, the Internet is huge."

A colon would be better in this sentence than a comma.

"If the Internet were not available, many of these big companies might not have nearly as many sales as possible because of lack of advertising."

"As possible" isn't necessary in this sentence.

"A company can not reach its full potential if it does not have all the proper tools; such as the Internet and good web design or graphic design.

"Cannot" is one word, and the semi-colon should be a comma.

"The Internet isn't all about making loads of money, there are also many excellent sources for those in need of information."

This time you need a semi-colon instead of a comma.

"This is more of a accessory rather than a necessity for the public."

I think you meant "an accessory."

Good job! You've got a clear introduction with a thesis statement, you explain and expand in the body of the text, and you sum it all up in the concluding paragraph. It's does just what this type of essay is supposed to do.

Best wishes, and good luck in all your endeavors!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Personal Statement (applying for Development studies) [5]

Greetings!

Your essay states your reasons for applying to the program clearly. I understand now what Development Studies are!

I'm happy to help you with the proofreading. I didn't find much that needs to be changed, but there were a few things, starting with your first post:

"The fact that Tajikistan is going through a transition with massive policy and practice reformation challenges ahead, I feel my country needs trained human resources in the domain of development management."

To make this more idiomatically correct, I suggest taking out the comma and replacing it like this: ". . . challenges ahead leads me to feel that my country . . . "

"The very fact that I'm national with an opportunity to study abroad I would be much better placed to advise on development actions by blending modern approaches with those that would work in our context."

You need to insert the article "a" before "national", since you're using it as a noun. I also would also insert "means that" before "I would be" to make the meaning of the sentence more clear.

"The program in Britain, bears special importance for me at this stage of my career."

Take out the comma.

"In that regard, I want to learn, and understand and get more experience of develoment studies/management."

I would begin the sentence like this: "In that regard, I want to learn, understand and get more . . . " Also, "development" seems to have lost its "p." :-)

I hope these suggestions help. I will look at the second paragraph in a separate post.

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / The Things They Carried By Tim O'Brien [12]

Greetings!

I couldn't quite tell from your post just what your questions are. Can you be more specific?

The assignment seems to be designed to get you thinking about the dilemma of being truthful when you are in a war-time situation, and also the difficulty of deciding what is true and what isn't. I haven't read this particular book, but it looks like you need to consider how truthful the main characters are, given their situations, and use some scenes to illustrate your points.

I hope this gives you some idea where to start. If you want to post with an expanded definition of what you need, please do so!

Good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / differences between men and women in a relationship [2]

Greetins, Paola!

Sounds like you'll be doing a "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"-type essay, eh? Let's see, you might introduce your topic with an example of a misunderstanding in a relationship ("Jon gave Clarisse a leaf-blower for her birthday and couldn't understand why she hit him over the head with it. She'd been complaining about the leaves in the yard, after all." That sort of thing.) Then you could use the body of the paper to outline some of the most common types of assumptions about male and female relationship behaviors, and why the other gender finds them incomprehensible. Then conclude with a paragraph that restates your thesis and sums up the points you've made.

Do you have any resources to find out what the behaviors are that you'll be talking about? You'll undoubtedly be able to find relationship books in your local library, and the Web should have lots of information, since this is a popular topic. You can use your own experiences, of course, but it's always good to back them up with evidence from people who are experts in the field of relationships.

I hope this advice helps get you started. Just keep your topic in mind as you write each paragraph, and remember that you want to keep your reader interested, so use material that you find interesting. It's a great topic--I wish you the best of luck as you write!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay about the career opportunities [2]

Greetings!

I think your essay does a fine job of meeting the criteria for a "logical division of ideas." You begin with a paragraph that states the main idea, then the body of the text elaborates and give specific examples, and you end with a summary of your thesis. This is exactly what this type of essay is supposed to do.

Your English is excellent. I would, however, advise you to go through it carefully, looking for nouns that are missing an article ("the", "a", "an", etc.). Also, I would advise you to run a spell-check.

Your use of English is almost perfect--congratulations! I think you have a great career ahead of you.

Thanks for sharing your essay. Best of luck to you in all your endeavors!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Dissertations / Thesis - Relations of French and English Canadians [3]

Greetings!

Yes, I think you're right--that's too much information just for a thesis. You've gone from introducing your topic to explaining it in these paragraphs.

"During the 20th century the relations between the French and English Canadians were in tension, therefore it could lead to a separation of two large populations in Canada and create disorder in many aspects of the country. The change in Canadian Politics, Military, Culture and Economics also had an impact on their relations because there were many debates which were not agreed between the two sides."

This is your thesis paragraph. Usually a thesis can be stated in one sentence (unless your instructor has given you other directions). Can you condense this down to one sentence? Maybe something along the lines of: "Debates between French and English Canadians over politics, the military, culture and economics led to increasing tension during the 20th century that threatened separation and disorder throughout the country."

Then you use the body of your paper to elaborate, and conclude by summing up the problem and your arguments (and proposed solutions, if any). Sound good?

Good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Burst of Rainbow. Compare contrast essay: skittles and starbursts [5]

Wow, I'm really surprised! I wonder why she kept lowering the grade?

One thing I've learned as a student is that sometime's it's hard to know just what a teacher is after. The best way to find out why she gave you that grade is to ask for her help in improving your essay. It sounds like whatever she was looking for, she didn't find it in your paper, but she'll have to tell you why not.

Sorry it turned out that way! I hope the next time things are better!

Sarah

Essays / The Changeable Hero In Celtic Culture...The Essay [2]

Greetings!

It's hard to focus when you have a deadline looming. Believe me, I know!

I think the point you're making is that stories about a hero have to change when a culture's circumstances change. If a country is invaded by a seafaring enemy, their heroes have to become expert sailors who can vanquish any attack from the sea.

You say you are focusing on religion, language and mythology. The mythology part is probably the least complicated, since it refers to a fixed set of stories. Do you notice an changes in the stories over time? Do the heroes change in any major ways (acquire new abilities, compromise their morals, develop new strategies for coping with an enemy, etc.)?

Changes in a country's religious beliefs (as when Christianity came to Ireland) would be bound to have an effect on stories about heroes. A hero in the Christian era would probably have an entirely different outlook from earlier, pre-Christian heroes.

As to language, that always changes over time. Is new vocabulary necessary to describe changing circumstances in a culture? Does that affect the way the hero-stories sound? You probably have a much better grasp than I do on the points you want to make about language.

Good luck! Breathe deeply, and listen for the muse whispering in your ear (that's what I always tell myself when I get stuck for an idea!).

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Resource paper on violence and kids [2]

Greetings!

You're off to a good start with your essay! You have stated your case and given one example. Other examples would help reinforce your point (and make your paper longer, of course!). And then you could write a conclusion paragraph to sum it all up.

I'll be glad to help get you started with proofreading. Let's take it line by line:

"Even in their early ages kids see and hear everything between their parents, but kids may not distinguish what's right and what's wrong and think that this is something they should do when grow-up."

It would be a good idea to state what you are referring to when you say "this." Maybe, ". . . think that arguing is something . . . " Also, I would start the sentence with, "Even at an early age, kids see . . . "

"A lot of today's teenagers living in violent families show signs of violence such as starting fights in school, substance abuse, joining gangs, and robberies ."

You need a comma after "violence." I think that extra space before the period is a typo, right? Also, it would be better to say ". . . and commiting robberies" at the end of the sentence.

"But everybody is different; we can't say 100% that kids will become violent."

I would switch this around a little: ". . . we can't say that 100% of these kids will become violent."

"Many traumatized kids seek the help of their friends or specialist."

Insert "a" before "specialist."

"An example of such heartbreaking story is Curtis Jackson or also knows as 50 Cent."

I would insert "one" before "such." I think you meant the last part to be something like, ". . . Jackson, also known as . . . "

"50 Cent lived without his father and was going back and forth from his mother's house to his grandparent's house."

The only problem here is that you're not supposed to start a sentence with a numeral. You could substitute "This popular rap star" (or "musician" or "hip hop artist") for his name. That way you also make it clear to the reader who he is and why his story is important to young people.

"After her death, at age of 13, 50 Cent took over her place."

This would be more clear if you said, "She died when 50 Cent was thirteen, and he took over her place in the family."

"He survived after a year of rehabilitating in the hospital."

"Rehabilitation" might be better than "rehabilitating."

"Now 50 Cent is of the most notorious rap starts in the world (50cent.com)."

I think you meant to say "one of the most" and "stars" rather than "starts."

"This is an example of how parents' behavior could affect the life of a child. In his case no parents were present after his mom died."

I don't think the second sentence is necessary, since you already made that point when you told his story. As for the first sentence, I would replace it with a statement that ties it to your next example: "Too many children experience the kind of childhood that 50 Cent had. Another example is the story of . . . " You may already have heard about other famous people who overcame childhood trauma; if not, you could Google your topic.

I hope this helps you with writing the rest of your essay. Keep up the good work!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Help with my thesis on link between obesity and suicide [4]

Greetings!

That's an interesting topic, and one that may not have been explored much. Who knows--maybe you'll open a door to new research!

The first place I would look is in academic journals. I would start with the field of psychology, and then bariatrics (I think that is the field that studies obesity, right?). I assume you have access to a university library; they should have a database of academic journals available to you. Do a search on your topics, then decide which articles are most relevant. Asking a librarian for help would probably get you started in the right direction.

You can also look for books on the subject while you're in the library (again, the librarian could help you). I would do a search for "obesity" as a subject. When you find a book, check the index for the topic "suicide."

You can also do a search on the Internet for both your topics. This may lead you to the names of books and magazine or newspaper articles.

Good luck! I hope there is lots of information out there that you can use!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Personal Statement (applying for Development studies) [5]

Greetings!

I'm not clear about the meaning of "Development studies," so maybe that's a good place to start!

If I were to ask you to explain this field to me, you would tell me all the things you think are important to know in order for me to understand. This makes you think about the most crucial elements in the field, and the areas you find most interesting. These are the things you want to talk about in your essay.

You don't need to explain developmental studies to the Admissions committee, of course, but you do need to state your goals for study and the things about which you are most enthusiastic. They want to know why they should choose YOU as a student in their program, and you need to provide them with some good reasons.

If you have special accomplishments in this area, let them know. Emphasize the elements of your character that will contribute to the program (maybe you are a very hard worker, or have particular knowledge in some areas, or have exceptional leadership abilities--anything that can be seen as an asset to the program and the school). You want to strike a balance between undue modesty and bragadoccio. If you are too modest, they won't see you as having anything to contribute to the school. If you brag too much, they may not believe you or want to work with you. Be honest, but let them know all your positive qualities.

The specific question asked is WHY you want to be in this course of study. There was obviously something about this program that you found attractive, or else you wouldn't have applied. Tell them what that was. Let them know that they are offering something special and valuable to you, and how you plan to take advantage of this opportunity.

I hope this gives you some idea of how to frame your essay. If you would like to post it after it is written, we'll be happy to look it over for you.

Best of luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Abortion should be allowed but with certain restrictions! [2]

Greetings!

You've written a very good essay that you only need to proofread to catch a few mistakes. I'll be glad to help you with that.

"In certain situations women should be the only one who can decide whether the life of the fetus should continue for the good of both lives."

You need to add an "s" to "one" since you are referring to "women," not just one woman.

"Each person has different perspectives about life and morally values."

I think this is probably a revision that you didn't quite finish; you have "morally" where you meant "moral."

"As we respect how each person is with their culture and their religious believes, we should respect the woman's decision about their pregnancy state."

A more direct way to open the sentence would be: "Just as we respect each person's culture and their religious beliefs, we . . . " Notice that I changed "believes" to "beliefs."

"When the fetus has not developed into an individual, then the moral rights of a woman should overweight the fetus' rights."

You need to change "overweight" to "outweigh."

"The fetus that is becoming a new life into the woman's body should be received in this world with appreciation and motivation to nurture."

You need to switch "into" and "in": "a new life in the woman's body" and "should be received into this world." Also, "the motivation to nurture it" would be a little more clear.

"If a woman rejects her pregnancy due to a rape imagine how she will overreact."

Insert a comma before "imagine."

"The psychological effects of a rape in a woman, causes a immensely degradation of her self-esteem."

You don't need the comma after "woman", "causes" should be "cause" and "immensely" should be "immense."

"In other cases of unplanned pregnancy due to bad relationships or stage of life, could cause an even worst rejection of the baby's and own life."

This sentence needs some restructuring. How about: "Cases of unplanned pregnancy due to bad relationships or stage of life could cause . . . " You don't need the comma. I understand what you mean by an unplanned pregancy that is due to a bad relationship, but I don't understand the "stage of life" part. Can you think of a way to clarify this? Also, I think you meant to say ". . . rejection of the baby's and the woman's own life."

I hope this gives you an idea of things to look for when you are proofreading your work. The best thing you can do is to read the essay out loud and listen carefully to what you are saying. If you hear something that sounds wrong, it probably is. I've caught lots of my own mistakes when I read out loud; try it and see if it doesn't help.

You've stated your point well. Just look for those little errors in punctuation and places where you may have had a cut-and-paste or a revision accident, and your essay will be even better than it already is.

Best of luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / The Importance of Having Lots of friends [3]

Greetings!

I'll be happy to help you get started proofreading your essay. Let's take a look:

"One goody and crazy memory can be told through the following story."

This is probably just a typo, but you've got "goody" where I think you meant to say "goofy."

"We had a crazy idea to scare children."

You need to insert "the" in front of "children."

"Our idea was the ghost came during children were dancing and scared them."

This would sound a little smoother if you said, "Our idea was for the ghost to come while the children were dancing and scare them."

"One of us wore a white cape, and came to the disco."

You don't need the comma.

"All children scared and some girls cried.

Insert "the" in front of "children" and "were" in front of scared.

"That was really crazy idea."

Insert "a" in front of "really."

"They called our parents, our parents took us from the camp, and we all punished."

Insert "were" in front of "all punished."

"For me, I could not go out for one month during summer time."

You don't need to say "For me," since the sentence is already about you. Also, add "the" before "summer time."

You are off to a good start with your essay. It looks like the main thing you need to watch out for is making sure all the necessary articles are included with your nouns ("the", "a", etc.). The very best advice I can give you is to read your essay out loud and really listen to what you are saying. That will help you hear your words the way that your teacher will be reading them, and help you find mistakes. It might also help to read it to a friend to see if they understand what you are trying to say.

You are doing very well with your writing, so keep up the good work and practice those proofreading skills. Good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Burst of Rainbow. Compare contrast essay: skittles and starbursts [5]

Greetings!

Yes, you have definitely made your essay more interesting and colorful. Good job!

I'll be glad to help you get started on proofreading and editing. Let's take a look:

"The main one; happiness."

The rule for using a semi-colon is that the text on either side of it is a complete sentence. What you've got here are two incomplete sentences. The most correct way to say it would be "The main one is happiness," but since you're going for effect, you could say, "The main one: happiness." Using a colon indicates that you are stating something to make your point. It often combines two complete sentences, but not always.

"Following this opening statement is a comparing and contrasting of two candies, fighting for their rightful place in creating happiness in ones mind."

"One's" is the possessive form, so it needs an apostrophe.

"Skittles verses Starbursts; one will stand on top and bring forth the true demeanor of peoples tastes."

Again, "people's" is possessive. As you read through the rest of your essay, you'll find other instances where you need an apostrophe.

"Starbursts create a sensory feeling, much like the predecessor in Skittles, but the difference with Starbursts is that they create their own language with their sweet, slightly sour bodies, manipulating ones mind to agree with their so-called fabricated faux-love."

The phrase "the predecessor in" is unneccessay. ". . . much like Skittles" is less wordy. Also, you need a comma between "so-called" and "fabricated".

One other thing I might mention is use of the word "fruitful." I looked it up in the dictionary, and it means to bear fruit or to produce something. You could certainly use it somewhere in your essay as a clever play on words, but if you want to say the candy is full of fruit-type flavor, the better adjective is "fruity."

I see what your teacher was trying to do with this essay. The assignment seems kind of lame at first glance, but it makes you really think about how to decribe something. You did a very good job of picking out the differences and similiarities in these candies, and I like the addition of more colorful language.

The best advice I can give you for proofing your writing is to read it out loud, really listening to what you are saying. If it doesn't sound right to you, it probably isn't. I also advise checking carefully for things like apostrophes and other punctuation. It's those little things that often trip us up!

It looks like you worked hard on this, and with a little more proofreading, you'll be good to go. Good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Euthanasia Essay Feedback (Ethics class) [2]

Greetings!

Sounds like this is due soon, right? I'll be happy to give you a few pointers. Time doesn't permit me to edit the whole thing, but I'll try to get you started.

"Euthanasia is one of the most complicated issues in the Medical field due to the clash of ethically point of views."

You don't really need to capitalize "medical" since it is a general noun. The correct way to say the last part of the sentence would be "ethical points of view."

"But we still are unable to find cure to all illnesses, and patients hae to go through extremely painful treatments only to have time."

I think if you look closely at this sentence you'll find a few things you didn't mean to do (i.e. you forgot the "a" in front of "cure," the "v" in "have" and "more" in front of "time").

"Due to highly costs treatments, few capability to have total control of their lives and the only option to live a short amount of time with painful treatments: People should have the right, with certain restrictions, to end their lives in the best way possible to stop suffering of an endless pain."

This sentence sounds like you may have had a cut-and-paste accident, or you were revising and got a little lost. :-) It happens! How about: "Due to the high cost of treatment, few have total control of their lives, and the only option is to live a short amount of time with painful treatments." The next phrase is OK, but it should be a new sentence.

"Society should have compassion and respect to the patient's decision whose life becomes unbearable."

You need to change "to" to "for" and "whose" to "when."

"When a person has a terminal disease, all the types of treatments have been practiced, nothing works and the endless pain of the patient still exists:Euthanasia could be an option, depending on the case."

I would make these two sentences.

"For example, a person is in coma due to brain stoppage, so his life is meaningless for that person. This human being will not be able to feel or rationalize what is going on."

Oops! You forgot the "a" in front of "coma," and you don't need "for that person" on the end of the sentence.

"In such cases, Euthanasia could be an option for the patient and family members to relieve from agonizing processes."

You don't need to capitalize "euthanasia," but you do need to insert "them" before "from agonizing processes."

I hope that helps you figure out what to look for when you're proof-reading and editing. The very best advice I can give you is to read your paper out loud. You'll be amazed at how much easier it is to catch mistakes when you can hear as well as see your words. Just read carefully and really listen to what you are saying, and the mistakes will jump out at you.

I think you did a very good job of presenting your ideas clearly and in a logical sequence. Your argument is well-presented, and it will be well-stated, too, with a little careful proofreading.

Best of luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Spending money; I realized that i used a lot of money for unnecessary things. [5]

Greetings!

You have written a very honest essay that shows you are willing to learn from your mistakes. I will be glad to help you put it into proper English. Don't be too hard on yourself; you will get better and better as you practice writing and speaking. You are already good enough for me to understand exactly what you are trying to say in your essay!

First, a few words of general advice: When you are typing the final copy, be sure to watch for things like capitalizing "I" every time you use it and putting a space after every period before you start a new sentence.

OK, now let's look at it line-by-line:

"I never thought that spending money was important until i got the college in the USA."

Change "i got the college" to "I got to college."

"Being a college student is the perdect time to start practicing smart spending money because it will prepare me for the real world afterward."

How about: "College is the perfect time . . . " I think that "perdect" was probably a typo.

"For example: four weeks ago i bought two modern styled, fancy shoes instead of BUsiness's reference book."

Use a comma instead of a colon, and change the wording. "For example, four weeks ago I bought a pair of modern, fancy shoes instead of buying the reference book I needed for my business class."

"After the next day, i lied my parents that i bought school supplies."

Change this to: "The next day, I lied to my parents and said that I bought school supplies."

"In fact, Business's reference book is more important for my study than fancy shoes which i can buy later."

You are very close to correct with this sentence, but it would be better as: "In fact, the business reference book is more important to my studies than fancy shoes, which I can buy later."

"Now i understand that i have to decide how to spend my money smartly when my parents are not around me."

"Wisely" would be a better word choice than "smartly," although "smartly" is OK.

"i think that to spend money is easier than to earn it."

This sentence is fine (except for needing a capital "I"), but you should use it to start a new paragraph.

"In this semester, i tutored College algebra to high school student for five days in a week.

This sentence would be better if you said, "This semester, I tutored high school students in college algebra five days a week." You don't need to capitalize "college" unless you are naming a specific one.

"It was a little experience for to know that how it is diffucult to find money."

Try this way: "It was a good experience to learn how difficult it is to earn money." Notice how I spelled "difficult."

"To study in the USA is more experience than in the MOngolia."

I think you meant to say "expensive" rather than "experience." Also, it would sound better as: "Studying in the USA is more expensive than in Mongolia." You usually don't need to put "the" in front of the name of a country, unless you're talking about someplace like The Netherlands.

"For example: i bought my books for six hundred fifty three dollars."

Again, I would use a comma instead of a colon. (Wow! It's amazing how much textbooks cost these days!)

"If i were in Mongolia, i would pay for my one year tuition."

Congratulations on saying "If I were" instead of "if I was"! A lot of native English speakers get confused about that one, but you got it right. However, the rest of the sentence needs to say, "it would pay for one year's tuition."

"My parents are paying for all my college expenses. But i want to earn some money to spend living expenses by myself."

These two sentences can be combined: "My parents are paying for all my college expenses, but I want to earn some money for expenses myself." I changed the wording a little at the end so that "living expenses" didn't need to be repeated.

"That's why i have to control myself when i spend my parent's money right way."

I think you are trying to say, "That's why I have to control myself and spend my parents' money the right way." Notice that the apostrophe goes after the "s" in "parents'"; this is the proper placement when you are doing the possessive form of more than one person or thing. "Parent's" refers to only one person, like saying "my father's money."

"At the end of my all thoughts.Spending money is the most important thing for me."

Since this is your final sentence, summing up what you've said and telling what you've learned, you may want to rewrite it. As it is, it sounds as though spending is still the most important thing to you, and I don't think that's what you meant to say. Maybe something like, "The most important thing I have learned is that spending money wisely pays off in the end." Or something like that.

I really admire your desire to learn to write well in English. That's why I've not only told you what needs changing, but why. Learning to think logically about what you are saying in a foreign language is difficult, but it gets easier over time. And, of course, a lot of it is just learning the idioms, exceptions to the rules, and the unexplainable weird things (of which English has plenty!). Good luck, and keep up the good work!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / reaction paragraph; Protecting low feelings of students [3]

Greetings!

You make some valid points to support your opinion--congratulations! Let's take a look at your paragraph:

"Author suggested, "Protecting the low feelings of a student is more important than celebrating another's high accomplishments."

You need to start with "The author suggested."

"Encouraging the high accomplishment student is right but they should attend to students who have the low grades. Because of that the students who have low grades they start get into the trouble. Also they will not be interest in the school life. "

These three sentences can be combined: "Encouraging the highly accomplished student is right, but they should also attend to students who have low grades, because these are the students that may get into trouble and be disinterested in school life."

"In addition their parents feel irritated to their children."

Just a couple of small changes: add a comma after "addition," and change "to" to "toward."

"School shouldn't separate the students to their honor rolls."

Your meaning might be more clear if you said something like, "Honor rolls separate students, and schools shouldn't use them."

OK, there you go. Best of luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Dissertations / US IMPORT POLICIES; summary paragraph [2]

Greetings!

Yes, it does make sense, and you made your point well! There are a few places that need clearing up, and I'm glad to help with that.

"Its policies; however, strict still let contaminated into our country."

Just need to move the punctuation around and add one word: "Its policies, however strict, still let contaminated goods into our country."

"Our border control has gaps and insufficient inspections, which have our country vulnerable to unwanted outside viruses, bacteria, and pests maybe even terrorism."

I suggest changing "which have our country" to "which leave our country" and changing the end of the sentence to ". . . viruses, bacteria--maybe even terrorism."

"Twenty five percent of the produce consumed by Americans is imported."

"Twenty-five" needs a hyphen.

"If only 2% of produce consumed inspected, 23% of the imported produce is potentially contaminated."

I'm not sure that your meaning is clear in this sentence. Since 2% and 23% don't add up to 100%, an "if-then" sentence doesn't really work. In any case, you need to insert "is" between "consumed" and "inspected."

"Rep .Tom Tancredo has introduced legislation to help protect our borders."

I'm sure this is just a typo, but you need to move the period in "Rep." over.

"The measure would require "a significant increase in the number of border patrol authorized, actually 20000 authorized."

"20,000" needs a comma.

"In addition, "it encourages the president to use the military on the border".

The period needs to be inside the quotation.

"Invasive species and disease from overseas present a largely overlooked risk to our welfare, one that we must vigorously attack on all fronts."

"Diseases" needs an "s" (assuming you mean it to be plural).

And that's all I see that needs a fix!

You've written a very persuasive essay. With a little clean up and clarification, I think you have a winner!

Best of luck,

Sarah,EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / essay episodic content (1447 words) [5]

Hi--

I'm so sorry I haven't been back to finish this yet. Life happened! I'll get back with it tomorrow.

Until then--no, you don't have to spell out money amounts, so you're fine!

Sarah