Undergraduate / Personal Statement for Tulane! I'm struggling with coming up with something engaging! [3]

- became a much more bigger part of my life.

- but still tillto this day these
- feelings thr ough art helped

- Currently, I am now pushing myself to do
- workspieces that consist of
- I enjoy drawing works with basic ordinary( "basic" and "ordinary" are synonymous) things

I'm not an expert on Tulane standards when it comes to their admissions process, however, aside from the remarks above, I believe that your essay, depicts your eagerness ta take art to a different level, being able to know what your strength in art and where it lies whether abstract, nature or people, you have a definite subject and it doesn't restrict you from making other inspirational pieces. This is a very good characteristic of an artist, just like a writer, you have your strong subjects, where you can write a full book in a week of writing, on the other hand you are able to write different topics too.

I wish you all the best with Tulane and I hope I was able to help.

Undergraduate / My Dinosaur Bone Essay for Caltech - I don't think I am expressing myself well enough (help!) [3]

Marcelo, as I read through your essay, I felt your interest in things that can bring a lot of interpretations to people. Well, I must say that 200 word count to be maximum is not sufficient for you to justify your worth for Caltech but hey, they will not do such word count if they think it will not be enough. So far your essay, left a lot of what if's to someone who will read and come across it.

What if he get's into Caltech, What i he doesn't, what is he will do good and a lot more questions that will draw the interest of the admissions officer.

This characteristic is what the science field needs, people who cannot get contented on things that they see in the surroundings, there should be something else and it sparks when a demand arise, this is the traits that they go for. People who are hungry to discover what could become an invaluable asset to the field and to the community as a whole.

Now, your essay is written well, a few more amp and you should be good to go, never loose the framework of your essay, it's already in a very good path.

The thrill and the questions, what can this kid do to our society and to the science field is still standing so never let it fall.

Undergraduate / Eternal Happiness. A choice from the activities section of a Common Application [4]

Alaina, with the restrictions of the word count, I suggest that you go straight to the point of what is asked in the prompt and take it from there.

Reading along, I don't see any relevance of your essay to the prompt. The prompt simply asked for any activity, not Faith because faith is devotion to your religion or lifestyle. The prompt is asking you to write on some activity that you would consider doing again and keep doing while you can.

As much as you can be religious and devoted to your religion, I don't think that you consider this just an activity, because for me it's a lifetime commitment.

Also, the prompt is asking for you to choose amongst the list of activities that you have given from the previous prompt.
I suggest re-writing your essay and review your answers from the previous prompt, choose one activity that you think you will do and continue doing when you can.

It should be something that you like doing and not because you need to do it.

I hope to see you essay as an answer to the prompt here on EF so we can help you further.

Undergraduate / Proclaiming Myself as a Red Fox (Marist Supplement Essay) [3]

- I find that Marist is highly invested
- in their students'( an apostrophe is not needed in the word "student" )

- Marist has so much to offer, and is even a Division One school.

Rachel, as wonderful as your essay is, I must say that it didn't have that power to supplement your purpose in choosing Marist as you school let alone be your home. I understand that the environment is a big factor in choosing one but more so is the academic side of the school, your goals and how will the school help you in achieving these goals. The essay focused more on the landscape of the institution and not on the important feature which is academic excellence, this should be the information on your essay. Now, I suggest you tweak your essay and make the second paragraph your first, how about that?,. Then, add your appreciation on the landmarks, the landscaping and the vibrant atmosphere of the environment in Marist.

I hope to see a revised essay here on EF so we can help you further.

Speeches / MICHAEL OHER - a homeless person and example of an extraordinary professional sport career. [2]

- professional sports career
- even if you don't have not even homea house to live?
- His name is Michael Oher and that's it's his family.

- he became a homelessness .
- He attended 11 schools during his first 9 years ofas a student,

- Finally he got to playing for a private

- and doesn't havehadn't enough academic
- A white family, which hadthat has two children

- where he got the best average of the team, and was also an athlete in the discus.( I don't get this part, kindly explain)

- In the last year, Michael improved
- investigation because he maybe hadn'tmight not have the required marks,
- and could have been under pressure to choicechoose that team.

-as All-American, the best athlete, twice,

Well, Juan as you can see there a lot of room for improvement in this essay, I must say that it looks more of an argumentative essay than an oral presentation.

The thing with your writing is that, you always try to push the words into the sentence or you're using words because you think it fits but it doesn't, you also have to watch out for your grammar as there's quiet a few errors there.

Overall, it's a good piece or writing but not for it's purpose.

Undergraduate / Sleep Paralysis - Essay on having a meaningful 'thing' which completes you as a person [6]

HI, Josh, I'd like to help you with your essay and focus on the much needed enhancement, we will be doing this a few paragraphs at a time so we will be able to thoroughly proof read your essay.

First three paragraphs

- can I liberate yourmy self from the

- enemy night after night quickly becomesbecame exhausting,

- AndA s I hopped from ( avoid using the word "and" at the beginning of your sentence )

Josh, so far, I can see that your essay is written pretty well. You are very descriptive, the failure, the process of sleep paralysis is deliberately written in full detail.

I will get back to you for the last two paragraphs of the essay, right now, I still don't see the relation of the prompt to your essay or of the essay to your prompt but as I said, so far it has been a good read for the better part of your essay.

As promised, I'll get back to you to finish the remarks.

Undergraduate / "Shortcomings in Mental Healthcare" UW Madison Application [3]

1st paragraph
- attention to the media circus

3rd paragraph
- Around 25% of ourthe homeless community suffer

final paragraph
- ButHowever it is significant,

This are my remarks, indeed there are a few students who answered the the same prompt and I believe that you did a good job just like most of the students here on EF, who try it on their own first, face criticism, objective remarks and revise the essay to be modified and ready for submission.

Two things for your future writing reference;
- use linking verbs
- avoid using the word "but" at the beginning of your sentence

That's it for now and I hope it helped.

Writing Feedback / I agree that young people prefer not spending time to help their communities. [3]

- at a young
- age wantwho want to rush

- by works and various
- Life in the city is tantamount
- Most of the timep eople most of the times
- should run to get to their works on time.
- Inevitably, they would arrive at home exhausted.

- ...someone who ishas not graduated
- needs to be

- and have the specialtiescapacity to help
- due to the congestion ofin the cities

I believe you were able to direct what the prompt is asking, therefore, the remarks I did should be able to modify the essay and you should be able to submit it.

Also, please refrain from using direct translation on your sentences because this can affect the grammar and your entire essay as a whole, mind your linking verbs too and make sure that you use words that will be conversational enough to comprehend.

Scholarship / At home Spanglish, outside English language / continuation of fashion studies [3]

Miriam, we will slice up your essay per prompt so that we will be able to see where the needed enhancement is.

- I have hada lotmany
- opportunities exercising the language even
- being back in Mexico,
- opportunity of beingto be a personal translator
- I've also gotten the opportunity
- I've even had the opportunity to practice
- my very badbeginner - level Japanese
- G oing to Korea, I hope
- to continue practicing and makingmake use
- of my english skills, but most of all I truly hope to master hangul and Korean pronunciation.

- in the many occasions I've moved and I learned
- states I had the had the chance
- for example,Just like Spanish, you don't just
- get one style of Spanishit either ,

Miriam, I want you to follow through for the next two paragraphs of your essay, reason being, I'm confused at your answer to the prompt. The prompt simply says, what is your study plan in order to learn a second language, I simply put this as, what is your plan of action in order for you to learn a second or any foreign language, I must say, though, that what I get in your essay is that you're mother tongue is Spanish, you lived in the US and from time to time, visits Mexico, this way you both practice, Spanish and English, you consider English your first language because it's what the community is speaking and what your using everyday. Now, all you talk about in your essay is about English and your exercising Spanish in more ways than one, however, this is not what the prompt is asking, you have to write your plans on going and studying in Korea with the hope of mastering the language and putting it into practice. Now you have my thoughts, let us know what yours are by revising this first prompt.

Scholarship / Executive and co-founder of the Information and Communication Technology Students Association [6]

- The group was created duein response to
- the low-level of number in
- ICT among students in the community,
- students towards attaining in-depth competency in the subject.

These are my thoughts with your revised essay. Aside form the fact that you were straight forward in the informations needed I believe that the revised one is absolutely better than the original one. I'm glad that you take suggestions and critics seriously and you take action at the same time.

I hope I was able to help.

Undergraduate / I dont need force to keep moving - extra-curricular activities [6]

2nd paragraph
- Even today, I taketore apart every pen I can,
- looking for even the minutestof differences between them .

3rd paragraph
- AndS oon enough,
- I was given anthe opportunity to take physics,
- By the end of the year I no longer needed to just memorize..
- I did not have prior to taking this class.
- After taking this class,( no need to state the logic )
- ...knowledge that I strovestrivefor as throughout my life.

Final paragraph
- never a stagnantdormant moment in my life.

There you have it, I hope it helps!

Undergraduate / Why Georgia Tech? - An aspiring entrepreneur and engineer [6]

Well, I quickly run into your essay, first of all, do not abbreviate or shorten the words specially if they are part of the prompt or what your main topic is like, writing "technology" instead of "tech", "with Georgia Tech instead of just putting "with Tech", this maybe minor but it will make a difference in the impression that the admissions office will see in your application.

You did great in keeping the topic to it's main objective and of course in being as detailed as possible with your goals in choosing the institution.

With regard to the last few sentences, I don't see them flat, what I get though is your genuine sense of serving the community you want to be part of and not thinking too much of what they can do to you or your future career, of course this will matter a lot but in life, you don't get anything if you don't give first and it's good to know that you are very driven and did analyze your self first before taking such decision.

I wish you all the best and let us know how it goes!!!

Undergraduate / I thought I could take on Chuck Norris, and I'm the pure reincarnation of Bruce Lee - Common App [3]

3rd paragraph
- back when I was informed that I had failed.

4th paragraph
- ..was facing my fellow peers after exhibiting
- I became more cognizant of my attitude
- to my peers,( "peers" is synonymous to friends so you can choose one but your used "peers" in the prior sentence so "friends" should be fine )

Well, not much to work on, I believe you did a pretty good essay. Life's lessons are always an inspiring and good topic to write about.

Going back to the prompt, I must say you nailed it and you provided what the prompt asked.
Just a few corrections that you can see above and you should be good to go.

Graduate / "Bioinformatics - the science of tomorrow" - applying to a variety of grad programs [7]

Hi Tessa, I hope to help correct grammar enhancements in your essay, here it is;

- was the namefocus of a seminar
- I am applying tofor the program of bioinformatics,
- hoping to receive my masters degree in this field.

- As the biorepository I am employed by grows and expands,
- we look at large data sets of data and information,
- and having a knowledge

- I participated in onea year of research

- Upon graduation, I hope to continue on at my current job,
- In the long termrun ,
- and it is possible to find a position that focuses more heavily
- on the science than the

- that I could use to more easily to perform in my classes.
- candidate forto your program duewithto my academic

There you have it Tessa, I focused heavily o your grammar as this is were I saw the needed enhancement. I hope it helped.

Graduate / Effective points for studying Petroleum Engineering as a EEE engineer [12]

Mohhamed, your previous essay was good as it was for the purpose of funding your own directions for your career, however, this time it's a study plan that could give you a shot for a research together with highly trained and respected professionals, so make it work.

First thing that you have to do and this applies to future writing reference and life in general, research first, know the basic, foundation or the origin of a certain study or subject matter.

Next, learn how to improve the process at every angle.
Do an extensive, research based framework that is realistic and reliable, gather facts and figures and make sure you never alter or shorten such process or procedure.

Now, formulate a study plan, a study plan is the act of processing what you've learned in a certain field of study and formulate a plan to further such research that could result in innovative development. This is what you need. You need to know the process, step by step procedures, more so, the progress of each and every side of the study.

I'm not sure how to start this study plan as I'm not an expert in your field, I suggest that you browse through a few students here on EF who did an SOP on the same field and gather some basic ideas then incorporate it with your world of study. This should work.

I hope to see you study plan here on EF so we can help you further.

Undergraduate / SHOPPING IN THE GROCERY STORE - tortured by choice dillemmas [6]

Suhee, let me help you out in the area you need assistance the most.

1st paragraph
- I have been living in thea corner

3rd paragraph
- I hated it because I spentspend ( since it's an ongoing action it takes the present form of the verb ) all

4th paragraph
- ...about what wasis wrong with me.
- I didn'tdon't know about myself.
- I lostm y identity
- was lost as I avoided...

5th paragraph
- ...became mythe center valueof my existence .
- ...career in thatthis field.
- ...election of theas captain of the WYSE
- ...values that helped me to be independent.

Well, your essay is good and I'm rather surprised that you were able to come up with an essay as this one. There is always a room for improvement, obviously, just like your progress in making decision and being decisive, practice played a big role and it will do the same in your writing skills, so keep writing.

Graduate / Essay for Master in Management Study Northwestern University---Contemporary Managerial Issue [5]

Shiyun, in this sentence you're just missing a link, and it should be done.

To analyze the jump-ship scenarios, I started to consider using a game theory.

It's just too bad that you have to be restricted with the amount of words you can write because you can definitely write additional information that will support your application, however, as I mention, your essay already suffice what is asked in the prompt. You were able to figure out what this managerial position or status meant for you and the challenges it entails.

I believe you should be able to have this essay submitted and let us know what happens.

Undergraduate / A Reflection Across History [5]

Well Kevin, since you decided to incorporate this essay to your other application, bear in mind the following;

- be objective
- know the prompt of your essay and stick to it
- know your subject and just like your prompt, stick to it
- learn or refresh your mind with the language rules
-play with words while keeping in mind the sentence and logical structure of your words or phrases

Most of all, practice writing whenever you can and when you do, post it here on EF so we can help you further.

Undergraduate / UChicago Essay Prompt: "Find X". (Wrote about my passion for computers and patterns) [4]

Mohammad, your essay is such a good read, you were able to mix two worlds together, the "X" as a representation of life's mysteries and the "X" that inspired you to move forward and lead the way to your dreams.

However, as I read the first paragraph, I got confused as to were the essay is leading to, but hey, it was not long that I realize that you are making or gaining representation from the letter "X", it is indeed a crisscross pattern, just like life as a whole it's a pattern of never ending confusion, adventure and rewards.

The fact that you elaborately wrote the experiences you have in life in a very interesting manner, drive a lot of readers to your essay.

When it comes to the justification of the prompt, I believe you have a strong shot with this essay, I just hope that you can eliminate some of the unnecessary information on the essay as it is quiet a long read especially for the admissions officer, don't get me wrong, all the information are important, but there's a difference between important and pertinent information that will back up your essay or application, to that of informations that are add ons to be as detailed as possible.

Overall, it's a well written essay and the best of luck to you.

Undergraduate / My intended major is Informatics and I hope to focus on Human Computer Interaction. UC Irvine essay [4]

Muhammad, as much it is stated in the first sentence of your essay that Informatics id indeed your target major, you still have to elaborate the course.

I know this is just a draft as there's a lot of improvements that needs to be done, I'll make some straight forward remarks on this draft that you can follow through;

- As a young college student who lives inliving in Seattle, WA
- technology is all around me, and it is...
- I was in eighth grade,and I visited the
- the cool perks of free soda and free stuffand freebies
- that the employees ge t wasis mind blowing.
- although I wasmade to the cut in the last round of interviews,
- the internship had madeinspired me want to work
- My path to become a super hero being in the field of technology is coming truewas being paved and
- nothing wascan stopping me.

- My path to becoming a superhero was just four short years away. ( the same thought of this sentence has been made so we can delete this)

- I wanted to interact with people,
- I job shadowed with a
- friend of mine who is an UX designer
- to working with
- I believe that my path to becoming a superhero is almost complete, but I'm just missing one thing,that my capacity and understanding of the course will lead me to the right path

- and UC Irvine is the key to that one thingis a key player in achieving my goals. .

There you have it Muhammad, I hope my inputs helped.

Scholarship / Chevening Eassy: Leadaship and Influence [7]

@xab, I'd like to add my feedback for your essay.

- ...constantly looked up to me, it became..
- holding congresses and carrying
- democratic leadership throughby playing
- on ain the departmental football team,
- ..beingbecoming a good
- Even thoughAs much as I have gained a lot,

- I personally believe that influence
- ...making them stickrealistic and in a consistent manner ,
- During my withencounter with ( I'm not sure if this is what you mean, but you can still edit this part ) solar

@xab, there are a few students who are aiming for the Chevening scholarship too. It will help you to figure out what should be in your essay and it will also help you see what your competitors have in store to be rewarded with the scholarship. I believe your essay can get a lot better if you will be able to write your achievements in full details. I made a few remarks, though and I hope they help!

Writing Feedback / Pathos, logos, ethos related to the article "A good man in Rwanda" [3]

@Youssri, the article "A good man in Rwanda" is such a good read and it made a huge impact in a lot of people's lives.

Hundreds of thousands of people got killed for no apparent reason, such a very horrific sight, but what do we get out of this events. Does it tell the world a whole new story or something that people have to be warned about. More than anything else, it brought fear and scared the lives of many.

Now going back to your essay, I believe you have digested the article very well and made sure that the level of understanding is at par with your readers.

Your sequential breakdown of the story has made this event understandable and gave it a more detailed understanding.

The in depth research and portrayal of your article criticized and collaborated the events and how it is to be taken by the general public. It does take a lot of courage to be able to right such an article and what you did is very constructionally wise article and it resonates a very positive outcome of a negative and horrific event.

As I proof read though, I saw a few typographical errors on the names of your subject so be sure to correct them before you submit.

Overall, it's a well written essay, KUDOS to you!!

Undergraduate / Why Yale? I am instantly welcomed into what will become my future support system. [4]

Hi @Enn, I hope my feedback below is not too late;

- "( the quotation marks on your essay is not necessary as you are not quoting anyone and merely writing an essay ) Having...
- As an undecided applicant,( this phrase is just full of negative outlook so we'd rather delete it )
- ...seamless academic advisingcriticism .
- ...appeals to me precisely for these reasons precisely .
- I can have the same sense of continuity in my advisingthe academe at the
- startingof my freshman year."

What is missing in your essay is your decisive approach to what you want to be in because for now you just decided which institution you want to be part of but you haven't decided on the course of study that you want to take. However, the prompt is only asking you for your adventures and how life is being an expat and moving from one country to the other, I believe this essay would suffice the prompt.

Let us know if you need further assistance!

Undergraduate / To envision a great space and create an atmosphere to better the overall health and the safety [8]

@carol, with the collaboration of EF contributors and your initial article, I believe you should be able to submit your application to the admissions officer and, hopefully, you should get a good feedback.

Your application has been straightforward and it elaborated your genuine interest to the desired course. The information you have given, although some of them has been deliberately added to show your passion to the craft, most of the information leads to your competency in achieving such course.

It's going to be a big step to be able to send it to the admissions staff, but you have to do it in order to know what comes out of your effort and your eagerness towards learning further exposure to the field.

I wish you the best of luck and do let us know what comes out of your adventure.

Scholarship / "The acting" - Super general prompt ("Describe A Meaningful Experience") essay for national merit! [4]

- The school hadn'thaven't had any real

- performing arts programs since before we were born,

- ...the only two members of our crew, and four months later,

- ...were able to foundfind an oasis

- ...have been isolated socially was savedforby the musical...

- ...effectingimposing change truly isn't that hard.

You see, it's not all about the money.

Little efforts count too, so never stop working on your little efforts, there will never be a big movement without a small one.

Graduate / Trying Out Different Possibilities and Finding My Future Path - Northwestern University essay [3]

1st paragraph
- an unhappiestunhappy experience

2nd paragraph
- I gave up the opportunity of entering thetaking part in a top music school in China
- ...medium-sized firms which havehas a great

3rd paragraph
- I enjoyed competing in sport with my teammates and

4th paragraph
- ...am more confident atwith myself.

This is somehow a well written essay, though there are a few remarks done, this is very minor. It aims to enhance the essay so it will be ready to be submitted.

I believe what is asked in the prompt was met and your essay has all the needed requirements of an essay for Northwestern university.
I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavor.

Scholarship / Chevening Essays: lidership, networking skills, university courses, career plan [6]

This is the final prompt;

- DueWith to my passion
- Thai people are now being underservedundermined ( this is the word that you want to associate with your idea ) from their financial advisor.

- AfterAs soon as I I return to my home,
- my first short-runterm objective

- In conclusion, my plan after graduation is to get into corporate strategy team inI plan to incorporate a strategic team into a large financial institution.

- From that business unit leader,
- I will build my track record to make me a high potential candidate for highobtain a higher level management position.

As this is the final remark that I made, it has been a very long hour for me to go through all of your prompt but anyhow it's rewarding to be able to help out.

I hope you follow through, you maybe excellent in dealing with numbers and you cannot have everything but you can definitely do good in writing and the English language itself, if you practice more and read more.

I wish to see a re- written essay of yours posted here on EF so we can help you further.

Undergraduate / Fixing the US Education System (Entrance essay) [4]

- Starting infrom the equivalent of ninth grade,
- Lower performing

- ...recognized to be a model foron how an educational
- however unlike the US, they typically solely run solelyoff ofby government funds.

WOW, you have a very strong final paragraph in your essay, KUDOS to you!!!
I made very few remarks as you can see. I hope the remarks I made help in enhancing your essay and all you have to do now is to re- write them and post it back here on EF for further enhancement.

I wish you the best of luck!!!

Undergraduate / I'm proud of my accomplishments because I know that I have made a difference in people's lives. [4]

- ...isn't just an organization
- Key Club gavegive ( this is an ongoing action therefore it will take the present form of the verb ) opportunity

- which dedicated a memorial walk for leukemia patients.

- help others and teach them to other membersto learn them .
- I spent countless nights makingcoming up with a fun new cheer.
- ...teach others of my cheer before...
- I was surroundingsurrounded with amazing
- The most significant part tofor me
- Through this experience, my communication skills, leadership and creativity has improved a lot.I improved upon my skill in communication, leadership,and creativity.
- I am proud of my accomplishment...
- ...the world just as key club did to memine .

@missheart, you did a well - written essay, the remarks are very minor, they are basically your linking verbs, the structure of your sentence and some verb tenses. Practice writing and reading a lot will help so make it a habit. It's true that you don't need to be an actor, a big personality or a rich person to be able to change the world because believe me this people can care much about what is happening in the world, our smile, kind words and just a wave of acknowledgement will make a huge difference in a persons day. Keep up the good job.

Scholarship / Chevening Essays: lidership, networking skills, university courses, career plan [6]

@kampa, for this particular prompt, forgive me if I'm wrong but I believe the prompt is asking you to write about the three courses that you have already taken, how did this relate to your academic achievements and how did this lead you or influenced you in taking this masters degree, furthermore how did this affect your plans for the future.

I did further reading and if my understanding to the prompt is correct, there is no way that you will be able to respond to the prompt using the paragraphs.

Should you revised this part of your essay, kindly refer to the following guidelines;

- what are these 3 university degrees
- elaborate each of them and be detailed as possible
- how did this hone your desire to take up you masters
- what are the advantage and disadvantages in taking such courses
- are there any other course that could also lead you to your goals of taking your MBA
- how did this affect your decisions
- does this courses have relations to you MBA more so to your goals
- finally, how will you courses help you in passing and getting that MBA

Double check and try to read the prompt again and again, forgive me if I'm wrong , that's just how I understand it.

Scholarship / Chevening Essays: lidership, networking skills, university courses, career plan [6]

This is the second part. I will focus more on your grammar but nonetheless, the overall essay.

- ...industry is a briefsummary of my career so far.
- I have good networking skillsand put it to the good .
- I want to pursue a career
- I tried to reach out to every friend.
- ( who has the potential to refer me to the employer.) This particular statement is not helpful to your application as it depicts a very negative notion, that is, you are using your friends for your own agenda, you have to justify that you are hired because you have the capacity to do the job and not because of the endorsement or the recommendation of any friend )

- I spend my time to tell few highconvince

( well, it seems that friendship is pretty cut out for you in seeking a position, not to doubt your potential but I'm not sure if this elaboration on getting a job through a friend and then convincing an employer of your capabilities will help you in this application)

- I will continue to hone my networking skills
- further but in thea different waymanner .

- skills by being able to use it to get into the finance industry.
- I progress my career through both...
- I plan toaim at extending my network
- to other industryindustries to make...

This is done and the next paragraph will follow through.

Undergraduate / To envision a great space and create an atmosphere to better the overall health and the safety [8]

Further remarks;

4th paragraph

- ToFor me,
-...that possible forin every place.

5th paragraph

- people how the beauty inis merely in all things
- I want to( I believe this is typo error but be careful as it hurts the sentence very hard and will affect your essay big time ) This is something..

There you have it, my final remarks for your essay, I still stand that you use the phrase, " As long as I can remember", instead of "Ever since I could remember", I believe it's structurally sound and more suitable for the sentence. Anyhow, you decide and it's you final piece that matters.

Undergraduate / 'tough road filled with temptations' - UW-Madison Statement one [2]

- ...struggle for myself sometimes( no need to specify the severity of the issue ) .
- I was always was looking for a quick

- ButThen again,

- Then as the beginningat the start of my sophomore...
- no matter what, ( your missing your punctuation marks, you have to put a stress on the phrases and break in reading your essay )
- I have finally realized that there are no long term quick fixes,
- That is why my I feel that by taking this idea, that there
- ...but to UW-Madison community as a whole.

I made a few minor fixes in your essay, the description of the remarks are detailed above.
You have a well written essay and there very minor corrections.
You still have a long way to go for a healthier life and this is true to education too, so keep it up!!!

Scholarship / Chevening Essays: lidership, networking skills, university courses, career plan [6]

@Kampanath, this seemed to be a very long essay, so without further ado, I will help you out, one paragraph at a time so we will be able to thoroughly go through the essay.

- I define the leadership
- and influencingmotivation skill
- I have shown my leadership and
- influencing skillinfluenced people in both...

- First, in my previous job , I worked
- the higher level of management

- Second, in my current jobCurrently , I am in charge
- In the mid of 2014,
- I came toup with the idea
- ...which there is no one inis not existing in Thailand and no one distributes this type of fund.
- I firstly did the due diligencespearheadedon the fund

- ...Thai universities demonstrated my leadership and influencing skills. ( I clear out the words, "leadership and influencing" as they are already been used many times in the essay )

- In addition, thosethis achievements...

This is just the first part of the essay as I mentioned and we will go through them per paragraph and I just remembered that there are a few students here on EF who are going for the Chevening scholarship too, I will go through the lists and I'll let you know so that you can look it up and get a few suggestions too.

Undergraduate / My performance in the Talent Show and further competitions - meaningful talent essay [11]

@davidy, the word "suddenly" is fine, it's an addition to your essay and it makes it feel urgent and surprising at the same time. Adding a few words that will spice up your essay is always good.

Though there are still a lot of words to play with, I run through your essay and I believe you are good to go, ready for submission.

Do let us know what comes out of this all - out effort, we would love to hear from you.

In the future, I wish to see more writing pieces from you, it doesn't necessarily have to be an essay, it can be any piece of writing that you can post here on EF, you can be a good writer and this is also because you listen to what is being taught to you and you learn from it.

That's about it for now!

Undergraduate / If you had one do-over in life, what would it be? UNC ESSAY. [2]

- ...her that made me to appear
- to have lack of basic

- As a student body vice president,
- As a result..

- Unfortunately, do-overs ( using the word "do-over" is not so appealing to the readers, I suggest using "replay", it's conversational and it's very reader- friendly )

- ...but they can lead to learningone can definitely learn from them.
-I makemade sure to
- that I so quickly dismantled in a mere

Pizza day, huh...well, we have our own blurbs, at the end of the day, we're humans and not robots.
PT day may sound fu but there's a lot of work t be done in organizing it, because I did one organizing once and it was the most horrible schedule you can ever see, really busy, really hectic, however, very rewarding.

Undergraduate / My junior year - "This is it. Chemistry is going to be my major." But then I changed my mind... [2]

@user23, junior year is one of the crucial years, this is where you have to be very decisive and make every step count as an addition to that specific goal that you want to achieve. Now, to ease a few of your struggles, I'd like to help in critically and objectively gong thru your essay.

- TheO ne thing I know for sure,
- however, is that I would like...
- This approach also showslet's
- that it's important forthe students see the importance in
- toof learning about

-...and the Arts that attractsinterest me is their...

This is my contribution and I hope they help. I believe the only concern I have is just the word input in the places that other words can be used, it's fun to play with words, just make sure that the places are right.

Undergraduate / Fixing the US Education System (Entrance essay) [4]

- ...to an economy run onby knowledge.
- At this point the United States is definitively at this point ,
- being at the forefront of research,

- One of the most commonly cited reasons for thethis failure
- ...lack of interest by thefrom students in their education.
- doing better, and leave the poorer performing students feeling...

So, this is the first two paragraphs of your essay. A little bit of enhancement has been done and I hope you follow through. Try to focus on the structure of your sentences as they matter a lot in the whole essay.

Scholarship / Outline your immediate plans upon returning home and your longer term career goals [6]

- examination in Public Information job family to contribute

- ...under-represented atin the UN.

- members as atof 31 December 2013

- By contrastOn the contrary ,

- ...alongside distinguished intellectualsindividuals of diverse backgrounds,
- to equipequipping me with an indispensable...

- ForHaving said that,...

To seek office in the UN is quiet a challenging task and I commend you in taking a step, a very big one, to conquer this institution. Remember, it's not just the position or the title that you are working for the UN, it's the responsibility, the credibility and the dedication to serve for the greater good of the community.

I wish you the best of luck and we would love to know how it goes.

Undergraduate / To envision a great space and create an atmosphere to better the overall health and the safety [8]

Hi @carol, I'd like to extend some help with your essay.

- Ever since I couldAs long as I can remember,
- apartment every and season every holiday,
- putting every room beautiful, creating...
- ...in, and I was always her helper.
- ...drawing out a design, both inside and outside for a salon spa
- I dreamt of opening one day, inside and out .
- I want to design the interiors of places.

-...to make a space as striking and pleasurable
- to the person in request( you want to address .
- my creativecreativity and practical skills
- I need to get to be and be a successful interior designer,

- ...importance thatof combinations of colors
- ...people and, this is somethingmy passion and I am more..

There you have it, I made sure that the remarks are straight forward and you will be able to see the grammar changes that enhanced the sentences and the essay as a whole.