Undergraduate / I completely failed, just as I had predicted; UC -OVERCOMING FAILURE [2]

One of the important factors that need to be represented in this essay is the method by which the event that you related helped define the kind of person you are, there is no clear development regarding how your managed to turn this success into a failure. What other people told you to make you feel better about losing the election is not the same as the self-realization that you may have had after which may have then caused a change in your personality. I am looking for the direct connection between the event and the person who you are. You need to set up the foundation for your story by telling the admissions officer the kind of person you are when it comes to dealing with failure. That way when you tell him or her about the lesson you learned and the change in your personality, we will know the reasons behind the significance of the loss. Build up to the change in your mindset about failure and how it has helped you become a better person today. I believe that is what is lacking in your essay.

Undergraduate / COMMON APP ESSAY about three things to take from a burning house. [2]

When you ask us to help you trim down your essay, we need to know what your minimum and maximum word count is. That is the basis for the way we will be editing the content of your essay and will help us decide which paragraphs and sentences can be merged for this purpose. At the moment, you have too many background stories attached to every item. I realize that you believe all the stories you share show the significance and importance of each item to you. In reality, you need only pick the most important memory you have of each item in order to drive that point home. Too many anecdotes about one item tends to make the essay tedious and repetitive to read. Try to focus on the most important reasons, be it a memory or an actual purpose that these items reach out to you so that the reader can sense its importance to you.

The essay certainly gets a number of things across about you as a person. The way you value these things shows the way that you view your life and the events that have already transpired in it. There is a clear character development in the way you wrote the stories. However, these stories, as I mentioned earlier, need to be cut down in the best interest of the reader. Having reviewed your essay a number of times before offering this advice, I can safely tell you that lessening the stories will not affect the message you want to get across so I suggest you try an edited, shorter version of your essay before you decide whether to submit this long version or not.

Graduate / 'theoretical and practical knowledge' - Statement of Purpose for Economic Admission [2]

Don't write this statement of purpose the way you would a formal letter. Most applicants tend to make that mistake when first starting their drafts. The format for this statement is still that of an ordinary essay. Remember, this essay is not going to be addressed to a particular person, but a body of people who will analyze the merits of your application. So the formality of a letter is set aside in favor of a more relaxed yet formal, academic essay.

The first paragraph must relate your purpose for masters studies with your current work/profession. This means that the two topics are directly related and show a definite career progression for you once you complete your masters studies. I am certain that I did not see any sort of career progression to this effect within the essay. Your certainty of what economics will demand of you in the future serves as an insight into your possible career plans, but does not connect your current position with the future. You see, one of the main purposes for masters studies is future promotions or career enhancement opportunities. You need to ensure that one or both are reflected accurately in your statement.

Do not spend a tremendous amount of the essay discussing your tertiary education achievements. What will actually interest the admissions officer at this point is, aside from the number of years you have for your work experience, is your consistent participation in seminars or training programs that show your passion for your profession and dedication to the job. It is that drive to continuously stay ahead of the game that will make the admissions officer realize that you are not going to have a problem giving your best in both your academic and professional undertaking, even if you have to do both at the same time.

Definitely avoid the cliche at the end of your concluding paragraph. It lessened the overall impact of your statement and did not really relate to anything that you had to say after it in the conclusion. In such instances, it is always better to just keep the conclusion hopeful and simple by offering a vision of your short and long term career goals upon graduation.

Undergraduate / Diversity: Be Grateful For It - Common Application Essay for Boston University [2]

Your essay is quite theoretical and academic in nature. While the prompt does allow you some room for personal insight on the subject of diversity, it also requires you to present a personal experience based upon the same that would allow the admissions officer to get an idea as to how your addition to the Boston University student community will help to enliven and add color to the diversity of the campus. While these logical discussions of diversity are important for your essay, you need to represent a personal experience with diversity that will help solidify your explanation. Give it a personal basis and definition which tells the reader that you are looking forward to the diversity of the university and are excited to add your personal touch to the mix. Without the personal experience, the essay just comes across as flat and boring. Informative, but in a technical manner, which is not what the prompt requires. Delve into your personal background and think back to a moment in time when you experienced diversity and then discuss the topic from that memory.

Undergraduate / Boarding school essay--Choate. Tell us how this trait or value came to be or has been developed [2]

While this is a highly developed essay, it lacks one main feature. There is no paragraph that refers the reader to the reasons as to why you finally came to realize that you needed to strive for excellence instead of perfection. What was the catalyst that led to this realization? Why did you feel that it was finally time to make the much needed change in your personality? Does the seed of perfectionism still rear its ugly head once in a while even today? Do you consider that part of your life, when you were striving for perfection to be a negative time? What factors do you think college will offer you that will continue to develop your sense of excellence over perfection? Was there a sense of emotional freedom on your part when you let go of the perfectionist mindset? The Chinese proverb is really misplaced in the middle of the essay the way it is now. Either place it at the beginning as a part of your introductory hook or just delete it. It becomes irrelevant in its current placement and just deviates from the winding down process of the essay.

Speeches / Success and happiness - do what you want to do and love what you love; Speach [2]

Jame, you have used the definition of success and happiness by two different people in this essay. However, you have not given your personal definition for the two words. The lack of personal definition on your part creates a detachment with the reader and makes this a textbook speech instead. The hook does not exist at the very beginning because you present the topic of your speech in an academic manner. Almost like a professor beginning a class. Lose that type of academic formality and opt for a personal encounter type of opening statement. For example, you could open with a story or anecdote about a successful person. That way you can give a definition for the two terms without actually giving a lecture. Instead, you will allow your listeners to discover the meaning of the words for themselves. There is a definite need to expand upon the final portion where you define the meaning of success and happiness for yourself. It is too short and does not allow for any type of audience connection on your part. Create the connection in order to make a more effective speech. Inspire people with the definition of the two words from 3 sources. Don't just give a lecture or textbook definition and then call it a speech.

Undergraduate / "I Made It" The feeling when crossing the finish line after a race sends me into complete bliss. NYU [2]

Your third paragraph is just a shorter redundancy of your second paragraph. Either delete it or reword it to include a secondary reason for wanting to transfer to NYU. The first and second paragraphs have actually given a complete analogy of the reasons as to why you seriously consider this academic transfer something that will be highly beneficial to you. I suggest that you just retain these two paragraphs and then work on developing your concluding paragraph. Strengthen the overall essay by clearly explaining how you feel that completing the transfer will offer you the chance to build a better foundation for your future and that in as much as you are thankful to your previous school, you are cognizant of the fact that smaller universities have limitations for people with big dreams and ambitions. You can swiftly discuss how your career in nursing will be better serviced by your studies at NYU when compared to the smaller university by mentioning some programs and internships that NYU offers their nursing students that smaller universities do not and thus, makes NYU the logical choice for someone pursuing a serious nursing career.

Graduate / Advance analytics - Master Business Analytics Personal Statement [2]

When you skim over your collegiate achievements, there is no need to mention that you play basketball and that your team won a competition. It is unnecessary as it is not required information for a statement of purpose. Delete that part in order to keep the focus of the essay on the required parts. When it comes to your professional credentials, you need to mention how long you have been working in this profession already and then indicate the length of time you have served in your current capacity in particular. That is necessary information that will help the admissions officer judge as to whether you have the professional service experience to merit the need for higher studies. Place that vision of yourself as a 40 year old at the end of the essay. Make it serve as your closing paragraph as placing it at the beginning does not really provide the immediate information required which is the purpose for your masters degree application.

Undergraduate / Building homes/ comprehensive learning; WHY NJIT? [2]

Pedro, it is really hard to judge your written work at this point because you did not provide the prompt for us to use as the basis for the review. Are you writing a personal statement or responding to a common app prompt? Whatever it is, you need to provide us with a copy so that we can better review your essay. Why NJIT just does not seem like a complete prompt. Right now, the direction of your essay is confusing because at the start, you discuss the internet superhighway then midstream, change to architecture. While I can understand that the world wide web has a technological architecture to speak of, I sincerely doubt that is what you are referring to in your essay since the two topics cannot blend. In fact, your essay lacks focus and direction because of the opposite ended topics that you are discussing. Try to base your desire to attend NJIT on only one solid reason. Either it is the architecture of the internet, or architecture in its traditional form. Don't forget to provide the actual prompt to us as soon as possible so that we can add to the review of your current essay.

Undergraduate / Extracurricular Elaboration And Such -- Science Bowl Oh My God It's Growing Tentacle [2]

Casey, it is hard to determine what the actual essay prompt is for this piece of work because you did not provide it. It would be best if you gave us the prompt so that we can accurately judge your response to the essay. At this point, I believe that you are trying to portray an extra curricular activity that you participate in. Not really knowing the parameters of the essay requirements, I will go out on a limb here and tell you that the response that you gave seems more academic in nature than extra curricular. The reason I say this is because you discuss an academic competition in the essay, which does not really translate into an extra curricular activity in the sense of the word. Perhaps my opinion will change when I find out what the actual prompt you are responding to is, but at this moment, I believe you need to revise your essay to make it sound more extra curricular rather than academic in nature.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Television advertising directed toward children under the age of five should not be allowed. [6]

Choose one side to discuss in the essay and completely build upon the idea. Either you talk about the inefficiency of advertising to a 5 year old or you discuss how advertising targeting children under the age of 5 affects their ability to perform academically. Those are two non-related topics for discussion and therefore should not be discussed in a single essay. Remember, you only have 30 minutes to develop a well written essay for the prompt so opting to completely develop and discuss one side rather than two will always work to your benefit. Right now, your essay gets muddled because of the way you are trying to relate two different discussions for one topic. You also need to better develop your introduction to include a more interesting hook to make the reader interested in hearing what you have to say about the issue. The conclusion is also weak because it does not properly summarize the facts in the essay. It only offers a summary of the academic effect of advertising on children, which is not what the essay is all about. Don't forget to restate the prompt in your conclusion. The essay will also be better helped if you have some sort of personal opinion on the matter that you can amply discuss towards the concluding portion of the essay.

Scholarship / "I can speak five languages" - this short statement became my biggest motivation for learning more [8]

Can you show me the original version of this essay? The long version that includes all the parts that you deleted? We might be able to work on it to come down to the proper word count while presenting as much relevant information as possible for your application. Sometimes, when you strive to keep within the word count before you have even tried to present all of the necessary information, you end up having an essay that becomes difficult to edit. By starting out long and working your way down, you give yourself a chance to edit the essay while keeping the bits and pieces of information that you feel are highly important and can enhance your chances of acceptance. That is what I would like to try to do with you now. As for your financial aid application, please post what you have written up till this moment in a separate thread so that we can review it for you and offer relevant advice for you to consider.

Writing Feedback / It is important that children should study hard at school. But playing sport is also necessary. [3]

Don't forget to always include the original prompt with your essay posting so that we will know what to review and what answers to look for within your essay. At this point, I will be guessing about what the actual prompt is and try to analyze whether you are anywhere near the correct discussion or not. To begin, your introductory paragraph was alright but lacked an overview of the discussion and your opinion of the matter which, as we all know, are commonly expected information at the very start of any essay. If you are trying to argue that children need to spend more time on academics because of the demands of an international standard of education, don't muddle the issue by suddenly presenting a discussion about how students could use the extra time to just relax and use the free time unwisely. Stick to only one major topic per paragraph. Don't discuss two reasons in one paragraph. Each paragraph must be a stand alone paragraph that clearly responds to or presents a claim. You also cannot present your opinion as a part of the closing paragraph of the essay. Keep in mind that conclusions are not allowed to contain new information because it has to contain only the summary of the discussion, restated prompt, and a repeat of your opinion, which had been discussed in a previous paragraph. A revision of your concluding paragraph is definitely in order because it does not reflect the correct information.

Undergraduate / "The healthiest competition occurs when average people win by putting above average effort" [4]

Your last paragraph is actually the most compelling and effective argument that you have for your stand on the essay prompt. I would suggest that you reconsider the position of that paragraph, placing it at the beginning of the essay instead in order to catch the reader's attention immediately. The examples that you used in the essay, specifically the one about your cousin is a wee bit under developed as you did not complete the story, did he eventually succeed in the highly competitive world of retail after he had his awakening? The story is incomplete and therefore, cannot truly support the claims you are making in your statement. The friendly competition between you and your friend regarding your exams works well though. I just wished it had been further developed in order to reflect the way that this competition has driven you to continuously succeed. Don't go talking about the aim of competition in this essay because the prompt is directing you to only talk about whether a person needs to be highly competitive in order to succeed. When you talk of competition taking your mind off your main goal, you end up deviating from the prompt requirement. You need to steer the essay back on track, to focus solely on the question of whether being competitive results in the success of a person.

Graduate / In work he was very methodical and meticulous about details and it has impressed me - recommendation [5]

Regardless. You are not the one who should be speaking in the recommendation letter. It does not matter if you have already mention your work experience of 4 and a half years in your SOP. The recommendation letter is supposed to be written by the people you have worked for. This letter is a validation of the information you have claimed in your SOP, PS, and other essay apps that you have submitted. Repeat the information. It is necessary in order to give validity to your SOP claims. Remember, you are not the person speaking in this letter. Therefore, repeated information is acceptable and is actually necessary. You are not even supposed to be the one writing the draft of this letter because you are not supposed to know what information is being relayed about you in the letter of recommendation. Don't fall into the mindset of a person referring himself for a job. That is not the purpose of a recommendation letter from an employer. This letter must be written from the point of view of an employer and should contain information that you should find redundant since you wrote similar information in your SOP. How do you expect the admissions officer to verify the claims you make in your SOP if you do not have someone else talk about it for validation? That is what the recommendation letter is for.

Scholarship / MoMA is often recognized as the utmost significant museum of modern art in the world [3]

You should have only one purpose in mind for pursuing this internship and that is working in a museum in the future as its curator. While your background and interest in the arts helps depict your abilities and skills that would make you a notable intern, the essay prompt is not asking you to tell them about your background. They can find that out from the documents that you will submit along with your internship application. What they need to know are your future plans and how an internship at their museum will fit into your future goals and ambitions. Don't forget that as an intern, you will be given unprecedented access to possible future museum connections. That is one of the reasons that students pursue internships. Possible future employment or business connections are made at this particular ground floor level. So in order to strengthen your internship application, look forward instead of past. Let the reader know about your future career goals and plans. Prove that this internship is vital to the establishment of your future career and that you will not waste the opportunity should you be awarded the position. In fact, you can delete the whole first portion of your essay and start it from the point where you talk about your interest in Curatorial Affairs instead as this plays directly into the main reason for your desire for an internship.

Graduate / In work he was very methodical and meticulous about details and it has impressed me - recommendation [5]

Your recommendation letter should concentrate mostly on the professional ability of of the person you recommending. Highlight his leadership abilities and skills that allow him to learn on the job. Talk about how he handles stressful job situations and depict how he organizes his work activities. You should provide information that will prove he is an organized person who will be able to successfully merge his work and academic responsibilities. Meaning, you are confident that he has the ability to take on two highly important tasks and deliver 100 percent of his skills in both arenas. There is no need to mention the companies that he has dealt with in the past. What you do need to mention are the various work positions he has held in the company and describe how fast he has managed to climb the management ladder, thus supporting his statement of purpose claims regarding his need or desire to pursue higher studies in this field.

Writing Feedback / Staying well-informed in this time and age is simple, but which information is true and which is not [7]

While I did catch a number of grammatical errors in your paper, I am happy to say that you have managed to improve the content of the essay to the point where the revisions can concentrate on the grammatical and sentence structure problems of the essay already. You have provided an excellent voice and used strong examples to drive home the point that people need to stay well informed using various news sources. Now, let me point out the portions that require editing:


- This section requires proofreading on your part. Note the capitalization issues as well. Please note the corrections below:
- ... perspectives overflowing from books, magazines, the internet , and television...


- ... who has not been out for a decade will praise a smart phone... with the latest technology will simply scoff...


- ... is the key to staying well informed.


- a park ranger may write an article...


- Add a sentence that refers to the importance of making informed decisions using various news information as sources for the decision making process.


- ... to recognize a fraud...


- This is an unnecessary sentence.

The above revisions will help fix the structural problem of your sentences and clarify certain points that may be unclear due to your grammar mistakes.

Writing Feedback / Staying well-informed in this time and age is simple, but which information is true and which is not [7]

Kim, your essay needs to paint a clear idea of your personal opinion at the start of the essay, the introductory part, rather than at the very end of the written piece. You have also limited the scope of information in your essay to only the internet when, historically, there are other more trustworthy sources of news and information such as published newspapers, library books and magazines, etc., all of which are considered to be valid and truthful news sources. The essay asks for your opinion as to whether people should get their information from various sources in order to stay informed. It is not asking for your opinion as to whether that opinion needs to be trustworthy or not so you should not be referring to such things in the essay. Instead, you should merely be offering your personal opinion as to whether using various news sources will help people stay well informed. The simple answer to that question is yes.

Do not offer an opinion as to whether certain news sources are reliable or not. That is not the issue here. Instead, you should be referring to how people must read as many news sources as possible in order to make an informed decision about various topics. Therefore, staying well-informed through various sources is vital for people who wish to make informed decisions. It is not your place to decide what people should be reading, just that they read about topics of interest to them.

Out of a score of 10, I would give this essay a score of 4 because of the way that it deviated from the prompt, made unsubstantiated assumptions about various news sources on a collective basis, and offered opinions regarding matters that are not being asked nor required by the prompt.

Graduate / I grew up on a promised land with rich petroleum, which excites my curiosity about petroleum [2]

There are aspects of this essay that already answer the most important and required portions of a properly written statement of purpose. However, the rest of the essay does not really fall under the expected information that will highlight the purpose of your desire to attend master studies in Petroleum Engineering. Make sure that your statement of purpose addresses the following information accurately and completely:

1. What is your current profession and how long have you been working there?
2. How does your current profession relate to your desire for higher studies? For example, will be you be studying for a chance at job promotions? Or maybe you want to try out for a related career field?

3. Have you recently attended any seminars or advanced training that are relevant to your desire for higher studies? Do you feel that you lack some extra training or theoretical knowledge in order to fully utilize the information you have previously received?

4. Tell the admissions officers more about your future short and long term goals. Concentrate upon the ways and means that the university you are applying to can help you achieve that goal.

It would also help your application if you have a definite research project that you plan on pursuing during your time at the university, allowing you to better explain how the university can help you become the best you can be through the use of their facilities, research programs, research centers, mentor programs. and the like.

Writing Feedback / Should the government spend money on outer space projects? [6]

Just relax and keep your head above you. I will assist you as best as I can over the coming months through this forum. Right now, I want you to concentrate on reading more current events and casual reading materials. Then write essays based upon what you understood of the reading material. Develop your own prompts if you have to and answer them. Be casual about your practice tests. Don't stick to the IELTS review material if it will stress you out. Write about things that you know you can write. You already have an idea of the IELTS type of essay prompts you will be expected to write about.Try to base your personal practice prompts upon those. What is important is that you practice your English reading and comprehension skills in order to help you develop your essay writing prowess :-)

Writing Feedback / Should the government spend money on outer space projects? [6]

I sense the stress that you were under while revising this essay. It is quite evident in the way that your thoughts and method of expressing yourself ends up getting confused and lost in your paragraphs. Tell you what. Just so you won't have to fret so much about this paper, I'd like to offer you my take on this essay. Let me show you an example of how it can be written in a better manner and then you can use that as a example for your next revision.

Prompt: Many people think that the government should spend money to explore life in the outer space, while others think that it's a waste of public money. Discuss both views and include your own opinion and examples.

When the United States and Russia first began the space race, it was in an effort to gain the prestige of being the first country to travel in space, conquer the moon, and see the earth from above. After that, the two countries somehow managed to work together to create an international space station where even China now has their own astronauts floating about in space with his other country counterparts, all engaged in the study of space. The problem is that as the technology and new discoveries are made to further conquer outer space, the projects are also getting more and more expensive to fund. Which is one reason why the Obama administration has cut back on the NASA budget and has piggbacked rides on Chinese rockets to get their necessary equipment to the space station instead. Obviously the president of the United States thinks the same as other people, that money spent on space projects is a waste of tax money. I am of the same opinion as the others when it comes to this case. However, this essay is not just about my opinion. So, let's take a balanced look at all sides of the issue which will hopefully help the reader come to his own educated conclusion on the matter.

The government that spends on a space project does so using a limited budget, taken from the tax payer money. That means that this funding could have been allocated to more important citizen supporting projects had it not been allocated for space research. That is one reason that the public tends to frown upon the use of the tax funds on space projects. While the space research helps us learn more about the universe we live in, we don't really benefit directly from this new found information. If given an opportunity to have a bigger budget, maybe the government space projects could eventually benefit the public. However, that is and will never be the case as the government needs to spend and maintain more public responsible projects.

Private entities such as Virgin Space which is owned by Sir Richard Branson of England and and South African born - Canadian billionaire Elon Musk's Spacex are two of the major players in the private space exploration field that has proven to develop a more usable business plan for space exploration. Branson has developed space tourism using his own space ships, while Musk has developed business ideas for private space exploration and mining for business use. Both men have invested billions of dollars into this field of space exploration and research that individual country governments simply cannot compete with.

Just looking at the way that these two men, business leaders and founding fathers of 21st century space exploration in their own ways, are spending billions of dollars hand over fist, it is sufficient to say that no government agency will be able to compete with them. While we will forever be thankful to government space projects for laying the successful foundation for space research and projects, the reality of the situation is that the government cannot finance space exploration the way it needs to be founded in modern times. As such, we must admit that they should pull back on funding research projects. Pull back, but not stop spending.

The only way to ensure that private space entities do not abuse the opportunity offered to them by their ability to undertake private space exploration, is to make sure that the government can at least continue to partner with them on a limited basis. This will ensure that no abuse of outer space discovered minerals or technological developments will be abused in the name of private interests. Limited government spending on space projects is vital to the continued development of government supervised space projects until such a time that these private companies can be trusted to not abuse their ability to create a better universe for the benefit of the earth residents.

In conclusion, it is sufficient to say that government spending should be scaled back on space projects, private entities need to be supervised in their exploration activities by government agencies through financed partnerships, and I believe that we will all benefit from the mutual partnership and interests of the government and private space development groups.

I wrote the above from the top of my head. I hope it helps you out :-)

Undergraduate / Academia is a major connection point between people. USC college essay 250 word short essay. [4]

Your academic interests are not really clear in this statement. You need to be more specific by mentioning the classes related to your first and /or second course majors. The essay is asking to you show the academic line of study that you plan on utilizing during your time as a student at USC. Mention specific classes that you look forward to attending, making sure that it is connected to your current academic interests in order to show the basis or foundation of your interest in your course major. The response that you wrote would actually have been more effective if they had been incorporated into the mention of specific courses and classes, or programs that you will be looking forward to attending at USC. I realize that you only have 250 words to work with but that should not be a problem if you revise and edit the content of your essay in the proper manner. You can opt to delete the first paragraph of your current essay and instead write a new one based upon my suggestions. Keeping the second or final part of the essay intact in order to present a more relaxed ending to the discussion.

Undergraduate / 'wisely and dynamic environment', 'my intelligence as a student and thinker' - Transfer essay [3]

Your response to the prompt is not only curt, but also lacking in reasons and idea development. You need to present better personal reasons that would make the admissions officer believe that you do not have any other academic option at this point aside from being admitted to UW. The reasons that you presented in your statement is better suited towards a prompt referring to what the university has to offer you as a student. The way you approached the essay is quite lighthearted when you are being asked to present serious considerations for attending the school. Your reasons must be either personal or academic in nature. For personal reasons, you could refer to perhaps having family relations that have attended the school, thus making it a legacy school for you and create a compelling reason to want to attend UW. An academic reason could be an interest in a specific course major that only UW offers, or something along those lines. Having offered you some examples that you can use as the basis for your revision, I hope that you can revise the essay to better suit your needs in relation to the prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / As I study anthropology, my perspective on the human condition shifts. UNCW admission essay [2]

The whole essay is really quite insightful and strong. You have managed to portray your well rounded interest in anthropology and explained how UNCW will be able to help you achieve your academic goals and ambitions in the future. I have just one problem with your essay though. The part about your interest in film and visual arts needs some work. It is really not very well developed at this point and seems to be a sore thumb sticking out in what is otherwise a highly compelling essay. Now, the way I see it, you have two choices. Either you delete the part about the way you look forward to learning more about film and visual development along with your anthropology major, or you develop the paragraph better by pointing out the ways and means that you plan on creating a partnership between the two in the project that you will be undertaking while a student at the university. Whichever method you decide to go with will definitely be the best choice for improving your essay.

Undergraduate / My achievements - I currently maintain a hydroponics lab at a local PAL. [2]

You don't need to talk about your achievements in this essay. When you are asked "What can you offer NYU?" the main consideration for your response must be academic and social setting of the university. Take your cue for the response from the fact that the prompt describes NYU as


Your response should reflect a similar answer. Highlighting the best character traits you have as a person and a student. Your achievements can be saved for a different and more relevant essay prompt. Right now, concentrate your answer on portraying the best traits you have that relate to the way you can enhance the NYU student community. By the way, about what NYC has to offer you, try to be more specific. Right now, you are talking in general terms instead of showing the kind of interest that a potential NYU student may have in the academic and social community of the school. Talk about some groups you look forward to joining and some projects that you feel you could spearhead at the university in order to enhance the academic and social experience of the students over the next four years.

Undergraduate / When I was three years old, my parents left me and my sister to our grandparents and came to the USA [3]

Nope. You did not properly answer the prompt. The first half of the essay actually portrayed the world that you came from but did not continue into the second part of the prompt. Your response deviated from the provided question at that point and did not really explain how the world that you came from shaped the person you have become today. How did this separation from your family help shape your dreams and aspirations? What lessons did you learn about family, survival, or traits that you developed because of the way you were separated from your parents and only had your grandparents to relate to during your formative years. At this point the essay should not deal with how you came to find the major that wish to apply to at the moment. Rather, it should relate only with the way that your world was transformed by the disappearance of your parents so early in your life.

Writing Feedback / Spend money on computers or teachers' wages? discuss both viewpoints [6]

You are thinking of teachers in a normal sense of the word again. Remember, I told you that you have to think outside of the box when writing certain essays. Don't think of the obvious. Look at the people that you described in those videos. What do they all have in common? They are TEACH-ing you how to do something. Hence, these people are are all TEACHERS. Regardless of whether they are graduates of education degrees or the like, they are teaching you something and therefore, must be called a teacher, or if you prefer, tutor. Whatever you address them as, it does not change the fact that the computer technology will be useless without them and their TEACH-ings. Always think deeper. Don't always assume the obvious reasons, meaning, definitions, etc. of the words or prompts. Analyze the meaning, look into the possible interpretations. Then write a draft essay. Even a mother teaching a child to count is a teacher. That is why our parents are called our first TEACHERS. They don't always have to have an education degree to be paid to teach. A car mechanic can teach a maintenance class and he was never taught the rudiments of education or how to teach. It is a natural ability. The car mechanic is a TEACHER because he IMPARTS KNOWLEDGE. As such, he is viewed as a teacher and should be given ample remuneration for sharing his knowledge about his craft. I look forward to reading your next version :-) Think outside of the box. Analyze. Heighten your sense of logic :-) Don't confine yourself to the obvious options.

Undergraduate / Readmission Essay; 'I have identified and learned from the mistakes I made' [2]

You can't really use this essay at this point because it does not properly respond to the prompt provided. I do understand that you want to show the admissions officer that there are definite reasons that he should consider you application for readmission using this prompt. So let me offer you some advice as to how you can properly do that without deviating from the prompt requirements.

What you will need to do is let the admissions officer know from the very start that you are applying for readmission. Now, I assume that you will have continued to do things during the gap term that can be considered continued education on your part, in relation to the major you are hoping to complete studies in. Talk seriously about the achievement or ability that you enhanced during this time away. Make sure that you do not deviate from that. It is imperative that you stay on track as you try to convince the admissions officer of your worthiness for readmission. The way you write that part of the essay will be the proof that you need to convince the person that there is a distinct possibility that you can succeed this time around and maybe, just maybe, he might decide to take a chance on your application and recommend you to the other reviewers for possible readmission.

Don't present information that the prompt does not require. This essay prompt does not accommodate the information you currently have provided. As such, the admissions officer could opt to not read your application or not finish reading it because it does not provide the information he needs to judge your ability as a readmitted student.

Undergraduate / "Collin, you look like a monk" Culture in my life - Princeton Supplement! [2]

Your fourth paragraph in my opinion, should reflect upon the value of this culture of acceptance became a valuable part of your life. As part of your culture, why did this trait become an invaluable asset to you? How has it shaped the person you have become? Your outlook in life? Your desire to live your life in the future? It is kind of difficult to expand upon your essay as you are not discussing something related to the culture and tradition of your family roots. Rather, this is a culture that developed within your family from the environment you were raised in. Try to reflect that emergence in your explanation in order to give the admissions officer a better idea of how and why you would come to value this "culture" when it would only be seen as a common part of life for most people. You also need to expand upon the closing paragraph. Try to bat for at least 5 sentences in closing in order to make it look balanced with the rest of the essay paragraphs.

Undergraduate / Miral School and smile - Williams College Supplement [2]

Lilly, you almost had the prompt excellently answered with the first part. Then you went flash forward by 2 years and lost the essence of the prompt all at once. You need to work solely on the basis of the scenario you sent up with your reticent angel, Your- Soo. You are asking yourself a question as you stand there. "Why am I here?" That is what the prompt wants to learn about. Why were you there and what made your presence important in the lives of these children, specially Young-Soo's? Take us deeper into that day. How did it play out? Did you eventually learn why that day was important to you? Explain how it developed and let the reader know that you still carry the lessons that you learned from the events of that day. Don't use any aspect of the flash forward part. It does not even hold a clue as to why you would consider that day important. Just stick to the one that has the best possibility of responding properly to the prompt. Remember, you only need reflect upon only one day. Seeing yourself as an outsider looking in. You see your actions and what is unfolding before your eyes. Explain the scene and its importance to you. Help us feel what is happening. We need to be able to imagine it along with you. That is all you have to do :-)

Undergraduate / Bless them!; Transfer Grinnell College(Place, People, Culture) [2]

First things first. You need to mention the nationality of your parents. Where did your family originally come from? I think you are Vietnamese? You need to state that because it ties in directly with the question about


Seriously, I would like you to start off your essay with what is now you last paragraph because it has the hook that is very much interesting and compelling to read. There are many lost cultures and traditions in the U.S. these days so your saying that you want to get to know the roots of your parents is quite interesting to discover. Not all children of other nationality parents are interested in getting to know their roots as they see themselves more American than anything else. So your response is quite refreshing. Now, for the scenario that you set up with your mother praying before Buddha, try to tie that into one of the reasons that you want to understand your mother culture when your parents would rather not. Perhaps mentioning that getting to know the roots of your parents will help enhance your relationship with them will better improve your relationship with them and help you understand their eccentricities and difference from you. These are just some ideas that I have running in my head at the moment that I hope can help you complete and improve your current essay :-)

Undergraduate / Unrequited; NYU PS; Significant experience/achievement [2]

Okay, you have used some very flowery words and created a highly imaginative piece of writing. However, it is not compelling enough for an admissions officer to consider it an effective and significant personal experience, achievement, risk, or ethical dilemma. It reads more like a book of the month romance novel instead. Try to use a personal experience that is truly character building in the sense that it made you step up and mature in terms of your outlook in life, sense of responsibility, or even ethical considerations. This story does not inspire the reader to believe that you faced anything except unrequited love and heartache once that love moved away. Where is the dilemma? Where is the personal growth? The lessons learned are sorely missing from this essay. I would caution you against using this essay for a university application to a school as prestigious as NYU. It will not be truly memorable nor inspire confidence in the kind of student you might be should you be accepted in the coming term. Whatever message it is that you were trying to get across by using such a flowery essay did not come across. Believe me, this essay will not help your application at all. Change the whole slant. That is the only way to create the correct essay for this prompt.

Letters / Remember the time you finally could not stand on other's mispronunciation of your name? Self letter [2]

Wow! You said a lot about the you from long ago in this letter. Unfortunately, the Jingle that you became after 5 years was not described in this very long throwback letter. Tell you what, write about who you became after 5 years as well. Give 5 years ago Jingle something to look forward to. Inspire her to achieve more because you know who you became after 5 years and that you have the potential to achieve more. Warn her of the pitfalls of the past 5 years, but encourage her to see them as mere blips on the road to your success. Don't dwell so much on the past Jingle, she already feels bad enough or uninspired because of the way her parents don't support her, her name is hard to pronounce, and the like. Give her something to root for in 5 years. Show Jingle how perseverance now will result in her future success. That is what this letter is all about. Inspiring your current self to move forward to become somebody you know you can be in 5 years. Let the inspiration and support from your future self soar. Be the inspiring voice that tells Jingle to not give up because her dreams actually come true in 5 years :-)

Graduate / Electrical and Computer Engineering at university of Ottawa; Letter of intent [2]

Vincent, there is no need to remind the admissions officer that this is a letter of intent. He already knows that it is a necessary part of your application essays. So don't talk down to him by stating the obvious in your first line. Just keep the essay, which is not to be written in a letter format, formal and respectful. Don't make this an autobiography either that states so much about your academic background and work related activities. Save those for other common prompts such as your statement of purpose. A letter of intent is simply meant to explain your intentions for wishing to apply for higher studies. Describe your interest in the field and the future projects you intend on undertaking in order to help bring changes and innovations about in your field of expertise. These are the kinds of information expected in this essay, not the personal opinions that it currently contains. Most of the content of your essay at the moment truly seem better suited for a personal statement rather than a letter of intent. Revising the essay to reflect the reasons behind your intentions to enroll, on a professional, rather than personal level, will best suit the prompt. Remember, do not confuse the letter of intent with a personal statement nor a statement of purpose. Those are two different essays altogether.

Writing Feedback / Spend money on computers or teachers' wages? discuss both viewpoints [6]

Okay. the topic you are dealing with is truly controversial and highly analytical in discussion. While both sides of the argument do carry merit, I believe that you need to concentrate on the aspect that dictates giving teachers higher wages rather than spending money on more computers. Consider the following; all of the examples that you gave about internet tutorials and the like still have one common denominator, there are people, teachers to be specific, on the other end of the video who are teaching the viewer exactly what to do in order to accomplish a task. Even in the online research materials, there are still human beings who are putting together the facts and figures that allow the computers to become highly enhanced and informative tools of education. If you look at the wider picture, the computer, internet, and the overall technology, will still be useless without teachers to make them useful to others who want to learn.

Ahmad, if you want to improve your writing skills and bring it up to a higher level, you need to learn to become more analytical in the way that you view the prompts posed before you. There is always the common and obvious answer to every prompt, behind which are deeper reasoning and lines of logic that are the true driving force for the essay. Never go for the obvious discussion. Always ask yourself. What is the better answer? What are the other reasons I can discuss for this topic other than the obvious? You need to go beyond obvious logic and aim for deeper knowledge and understanding paired with logic. I hope what I said made sense to you :-)

Writing Feedback / Should we wait for destiny to pave way for us or is it better to work hard instead? [2]

The comparison here is between destiny and working hard playing a role in the future or a person. There are some people who believe that your destiny is set from birth and cannot be changed and there are those who believe that destiny can be changed by working hard. Or that working hard results in the fulfillment of your destiny. That is the point of discussion for your essay that can be developed. Some people are said to be destined for greatness from an early age. Those people whose talents just come naturally and help elevate them to the highest pinnacles of success such as presidents, religious leaders, and generational business owners. Then there are those, such as Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Elon Musk, and others, who work hard in order to achieve success and greatness. Their destiny was not pre-determined for them, nor was it obvious at an early age. So you can compare those two aspects of success as part of this essay discussion. The strength of your argument though, will lie in the way that you present your decision about how you will achieve your success in the future. Will you wait for destiny to play a hand or will you work hard at it? Explain why. Doing so will give you the opportunity to present the strongest argument that you can regarding your stance on the topic presented.

Undergraduate / My desire for success made a significant impact to my grade [4]

Yes. Remove all discussion and reference to not knowing where you would be attending college and the like. Concentrate instead on developing the story about the challenge you faced in terms of grades. That is a big challenge for you because you felt pressure to maintain a certain grade point average in order to even consider attending college. Develop the introduction to your essay by explaining the challenge to keep up your grades and how you felt like you failed to do that when you got your English grades, since this was the lowest grade on your report card. Draw us into the turmoil you felt and the process that helped you recover from the failure instead of wallowing in it. Create the scenario that allows us to join you on this adventure of learning and discovery that led you to this vastly improved version of yourself as a student and person.

Writing Feedback / Socialization process. Who influences you more? Peers or parents and teachers? [10]

Okay, in your introductory paragraph, you mean to say "parents and schools", not parents or schools. Notice that throughout the rest of the essay, you present evidence of how these two groups influence the social perspective of a child. So you need to clarify your introductory paragraph in that respect. Your line of reasoning has vastly improved and shows that you now have a better understanding and analysis of the issues contained within the prompt. I believe however that the essay lacks the representation of peers as a social influence of children. You must present a discussion of how friends influence those closest to them in their age group as well. Consider the cases of bullying and the social ramifications of these relationships as part of the discussion in order to balance the discussion. Remember that your essay will best be served by addressing all the aspects presented in the prompt prior to your conclusion which, should reiterate your stance on the matter. As a simple essay discussion of the topic, this is well written although a bit lacking in development of ideas, I would give a grade of 6 to.

Writing Feedback / Should the government spend money on outer space projects? [6]

I don't think that the Wright Brothers are the correct reference for your opening statement. You should perhaps look into the government point of view regarding space exploration at the moment and open with a line that explains the reasons why the Obama government has cut back on space development spending. Remember, the Wright Brothers created the airplane, but the U.S. government won the space race against Russia. Your essay should look into the economic aspect of supporting space exploration and the fact that there are people such as Sir Richard Branson and Elon Musk who have recently started the trend of private space exploration, space tourism, and the like. Private space exploration companies have begun to take up the cudgels for future space related activities so in that sense, would it still be logical for the government to continue spending on space projects? Try to write the essay from that point of view in order to properly align it with the prompt requirements.