Graduate / It's a world that we have designed to suit our needs; SoP for M.Sc. product design [6]

Hey Lee Dee,
Glad my "pointed" question helped you improve your essay. I sensed that there was a bigger reason for you to opt out of architecture, go into comm design/ media and now your decision to go (back) into product design. This added perspective helps make "you" more coherent.

Scholarship / Scholarship question: How has performing arts effected my life? (493 words used) [6]

Why not start your first sentence with a positive statement? (not negative i.e. never been..., fail a quiz) "Performing arts has given me confidence to always be myself , concentration skills for anything I do and a community of support." This is good! It succinctly answers the prompt. I was engaged reading about your initial drama class experience up to the year-end performance.


This is a good closing paragraph. Link it back with what you said in the beginning (how performing arts affected your life: sharing your opinion and participating in drama was not only fun, but provided an outlet for expression which empowered you.)

Student Talk / How can I contribute to this awesome website? [40]

You can write a WORD document and copy and paste onto a new thread.
(Don't forget to give a distinctive non-generic title!!)

Writing Feedback / Pie charts, comparing the sales of books [5]



This does not compute. Simplify by comparing gardening and fantasy books to parenting books (each had only half of parenting sales.) Maybe worthwhile deducing that this indicates parenting is the most consumer relevant subject.


Shouldn't if be just one group that dominated the market? How can both parts of the total universe (M/F) dominate the market?


What do you mean by equal shares of 14% = equal to men??
Not sure what you are comparing herel: the men of same age groups were 2% lower and 5% lower than women respectively/separately : LOWER THAN WHAT SEGMENT OF women? Cannot make a meaningful observation based on these stats.

"In conclusion" or "To sum up" are both fine.

Undergraduate / "The end depends on the beginning" - short & long term career goals [9]

This is an admissions essay. You don't need to spend a paragraph on the importance (and your need) of a university education. Instead, answer why do you want a business education at this particular institution. Is there a specific area of business specialization you have identified that you want to pursue? Then you can introduce some "whys" (short and long-term goals.)

"Finis origine pendet," but it helps to begin with the end in mind.

Writing Feedback / Do changes that make our lives easier not neccessarily make them better? [4]


You first need to establish that the CHANGES you choose to write about technological ones. It will also help focus your 25 minutes worth of writing effort to narrow down what exactly you mean by technological change eg. developments/progress in mobile phone technology which cause people to text or e-mail versus speak over the phone (as you place importance on verbal communication.) Mention of more gadgets (calculators and computer) just shows human dependency on machines.


Caution: Be careful of broad generalities - excelling in verbal interaction does not necessarily qualify as excelling in overall communication.

Student Talk / How can I contribute to this awesome website? [40]

Correcting mistakes is the least important benefit of EF...does not yield "more than the sum of its component parts."
"All you need to do is tell them what thoughts came into your mind while reading the essay." (in the best way possible given the limitations of the written word...) "giving with no thought of reward." It is a meaningful thing. Yay Kevin - thank you!!!

Essays / What is the more important natural or nurture [7]

First, start getting some ideas on both by looking up what each means (dictionary or google.) Write down what strikes you as interesting in what you research, which can either contrast or compare the words' meanings. You will soon develop your own views, opinions, beliefs about each of them. Some interesting patterns and formations should appear, which then will (I hope) emerge as an outline for your essay.

These are very interesting words. I am surprised that they would be asked on an admissions essay. Post your outline and I'd be glad to give more feedback!!

Undergraduate / Relate your interest in studying at Georgetown to your goals -my Georgetown Essay! [3]

These are your goals:


which can be met by or at any university. The prompt is asking "why Georgetown U.?" Don't confuse GU with Washington D.C. or with U.S. History. The latter two are broad generalizations and GU is a very specific institution with very specific offerings. The Adcoms want to see how well you know the school.

Scholarship / Diploma in Graphic Design - scholarship personal statement [4]

I had completed my Diploma in Graphic Design. In in three years duration of studies I havegained more knowledge and experience in design. Moreover, nowand am now able to transform my idea into computer which really amazed me when I have to use different types of software to create an interesting design. At the meantime, I have always worked hard in every semester No matter what grade Ihave achieve,d in the end. I am always I have a positive mindset: which is getting an A does not mean you produce the best work but is to getting everyone that the grader agrees with your confident confidence and the definition of your work. Aside from that, I have to constantly worked on part time during college time to earned some extra to support my project's material fees.

I hope the above corrections are consistent with what you intended to communicate. The next paragraph is about your scholarship application (to relieve your parents' financial burden.) This is all you need to say. Then you conclude with why MMU - add some mention of the specific classes you want to take there (or profs you want to study with) to show that you have done some homework about MMU's offerings. Some corrections:

Research Papers / Research Paper on Workplace Gossip - Considering Research Goal [4]

What subject is this for (psychology, communication, sociology?) This should help provide the perspective you are required to take (i.e. state of existing research, literature.) Have you worked before and what kind of gossip did you experience in your workplace?


No - this is VERY relevant. For instance, you can cover both perspectives and write about how to deal with - as an employee versus an employer. That should make for a meaty, interesting research topic.

As for the second question, your paper would not be complete without your definition of what gossip in general means or represents (to you.)
Look forward to reading it!!

Undergraduate / "To Be Continued" - personal info considered as part of admission application [5]

I really liked your "dead cow" metaphor (or analogy?)
I read your long essay in one sweep (that means it effectively engaged me!) It was personal, melodramatic and long, but NOT boring. Yes, you have a lot to say and you do this (in writing) well.

Kevin talks about trimming the branches but without an "m" tri- means to sort out or put in order (in french.) I feel this may also help to tighten/strengthen your the form of essay: for instance (try out for size and comfort,) the intro two paragraphs could be combined, followed by one major one on your difficult childhood and your determination to overcome the odds, which ends with the big climax which further derailed you (life doubled your dead cow load) and how you overcame that. Then finish with a final paragraph with how you plan to tackle the near future.

The last three paragraphs seem out of order somehow - the third before last feels like a "close" but then the following paragraph reflects and philosophizes some more. Should this para precede the former? Feels like a wrap-up because we get the dead cow analogy. Then there is one more wrap-up with the TV show theme. (Hard to tie the two together unless there's a show that features dead cows? ) Could all this be put into one paragraph?

This sentence really stood out, not like the voice in the rest of your essay:


BTW: perserverence = perseverance

Graduate / Statement Of Purpose in Msc Accounting and Finance Management [3]

I suggest that you emphasize your reasons for wanting to shift into the field of finance (or financial management) having already studied accounting and worked as an accountant. Your long-term goal of being a controller only appears in the fifth paragraph.

Except for this key sentence which indicates that you want to go beyond accounting, the first half of your essay is about your past accounting experience:


Rewritten: As part of my desire to expand my knowledge from accounting to business management, I wrote my final-year dissertation on "How far proper management (can) lead your business to success."

What was the most significant conclusion of your thesis? What specifically do you mean by "proper" management??

Graduate / Master of Global Logistics: Application Essays; Career Goals, Skills and Talents [4]

Here's one way to start your first essay:
With a long-term objective of getting a Doctorate in Global Supply Chain Management, (WHY? DO YOU WANT TO TEACH OR DO RESEARCH??) my immediate career goal is to obtain a Customs Brokers License, to be a global transportation manager with an Industry leader such as C.H Robinson for which I need to increase my knowledge and experience in Intermodal and Transmodal Operations. Graduate studies at CSU, Long Beach will help me achieve these goals.

For the second essay, you will need to recap your skills and talents. How will you contribute (as a student) to the Program? As an air cargo coordinator, an import/export coordinator, an Organic Distributor in sales and procurement, what were your strengths and weaknesses? Recount your most significant good and bad experiences as examples of both.

Graduate / It's a world that we have designed to suit our needs; SoP for M.Sc. product design [6]

Coherent and well-substantiated; one little Q: Why did you mention (but not explain why you didn't) not pursuing architecture as an undergrad?

Your last paragraph seems out of place to me. Could it not be integrated into the third para? This would help reduce duplication in the various parts on what UWIC will help you achieve (eg.

"My study at UWIC would teach me the technical skills and train my spatial thought process.")

Instead you should end with a wrap up of why you are ideal for the UWIC MSc. and incorporate your ideal achievement coming out of school. Any specific area of product design you are most passionate about?

Faq, Help / How do I ask a moderator to read and edit my essay? [11]

Hi Shirin,
Just post your essay with a specific descriptive title and one of the moderators of contributors will respond. BE sure to allow at least a few days!!!

I am not sure what you meant by edit form - did you mean edit forum? This Essay Forum is it!!
If you don't get an answer, post that message too!!
Good luck!

Essays / Personal, Persuasive and Research essays - struggling to write them [4]


OK Shika, here is a skeleton of an outline using the topic of favorite pet:
1) Intro - what it is and why it is your favorite,
2) Background - circumstances behind its origin- how it came into your life, recount your most poignant experience and circumstances forming your close relationship with your fav pet. This could include its importance to your family (is it a member of your family and in which pecking order or hierachy?) how your best friends interact with it.

3) Context - the importance of pets, how they came into being (the domestication of animals.) Maybe include something historical, sociological, cultural (to the breed?) Some animals are indigenous to specific countries or parts of the world and have historical significance/importance.

4) Conclusion - recap your thesis statement and state its personal relevance

Now let's see a first draft!! Good luck and have fun!!

Essays / How to start a SOP Essay for Communication Design Graduate at Pratt? [4]

Maybe start the essay by spelling out the difference between Communication Arts vs. Design and why you want to go into Comm Design for grad work. Develop your thesis statement with specifics i.e. which area of Comm Design do you feel most passionate about and why. Weave in some work experience you have had where you achieved or learned something significant (to you.) Include why Pratt (specific classes, profs) to show you have done your research to personalize your app.

Can I ask a question (hope I am not offending) - why (do you think) did you not get in twice? Hopefully, this learning could help you learn from your mistakes. Was it something in the application (grades? financial aid? timing? letter of recommendation?)

Undergraduate / "The Perfect Girl is no dream, no illusion" - Common Application [8]

You showcase your writing abilities here more than YOUR individuality. What I am missing is to learn more about YOU (versus the "perfect girl" in third person pronouns.) It reads as if you are writing about your definition of the perfect girl. Is that your intention?

For a moment, just put the essay aside and write about how this essay relates to YOU, what is most meaningful in all of it for YOU. Then we can get some context and story to put it in your writing.

Undergraduate / Application Essay (Journalism) [4]

I did not check out AUC (no idea where it is) but here is my reaction reading your essay: you write well; not sure if you want "stealing the whole railroad" to be the central theme but yeah, that could be enough. Is there anything else you want to convey about yourself (aside from your greed to learn?)

Graduate / SOP for MS in Mechanical Engineering: "justify your faith in me" [6]


what is top grass?

Book Reports / Life of Pi and The Yellow Wallpaper/The Metamorphosis Essay [9]


Yes, first compare the stories for the basic themes you listed as your "current thesis." Then apply the Marxist critical perspective to your analysis/interpretation of the combined texts. Don't think it necessarily asks you to create alternate outcomes.

At this point, just write out all the parts that were significant, then go through and select the strongest ones. A pattern of common themes will emerge that should help guide your analysis and interpretation.

For definition of secondary source: princeton.edu/~refdesk/primary2.html
(Spoiler: look these up after you make your basic comparison. They can serve you as an alternative roadmap.)

Undergraduate / Building a Team - Personal Statement [3]

Your personal statement gives a good overall example and hangs together. However... I miss the character-defining moment. I reread and tried to find it but couldn't. The intro is the best place to set up the reader, but I didn't get why you referred to Mr. Kern ("I looked distressingly over to my group advisor, Mr. Kern.")


There is a part missing in your narration. It fast forwards from the first three sentences to assuming the reader knows why you were the self-appointed leader. Were you selected by your team or Mr. Kern? Maybe it would help to clarify that.

Writing Feedback / Happiness for my school leaving examination :) [4]

Great topic - one that's very close to my heart!! So permit me to add my 2 cents worth...


Do you mean standard of living, quality of life measurement or reason for living? (What is your prompt? Define the concept or the importance of happiness? Can we/you could buy happiness with money?? Also, it will strengthen your essay to state what you personally believe instead of generalities (using the royal "we".)



Is desire or attachment to material possessions the source of happiness or cause of unhappiness?


Watch out with absolutes here - are you sure that these "many rich people' are unhappy just by looking in their faces? Give a specific straightforward (undisputable) example.


I love your examples at the end!!:)

Writing Feedback / "dedication to mom" - people who influenced my values in my life [4]


what price? a price I must be prepared to pay??


Please make this a complete sentence.

Your mom sounds like a great role model (and lovely lady!!)

Undergraduate / Why do I want to become a nurse? essay- school admission. [5]


I only copied the second half of this really long sentence. Why not make it a separate sentence:
I later understood when I experienced the feeling that comes from making a difference in someone's life, feelings of joy, accomplishment and self-worth...when I helped friends...etc. etc


If this essay is for an admissions letter, you might want to tailor the ending to how you will be an asset to the school.

Poetry / Times Square: A description of my haiku? [9]

Maybe reconsider the word "overwhelms" as it can be interpreted negatively as overwhelming. Can you come up with other words that convey "exhilarating?" I also liked the use of "unveil" as that something beyond the lights and stars. If these form the "veil," what would you see beyond the veil?

Undergraduate / "love and passion for learning" - Wait-list letter... [4]

Some small suggestions for you to consider if they work as improvements: (IMHO):



Joined your second phrase to the first full sentence. Please recheck but I think you are missing a few commas in this paragraph!!

Undergraduate / Convincing admissions essay for Cleveland Institute of Art: He [4]

Your "life experience" theme works wonderfully. I was amazed and totally captivated by your story: Discovering your passion for art from being deployed to Iraq!!! (how long were you there?) Are you thinking of concentrating in the fine arts? painting?

Made some corrections, reordered your concluding paragraphs and took out the duplication. The last sentence is a weak ending to your strong essay. Please consider recapping how CIA is perfect because its meets all your needs:

Essays / What's your idea for the climate change crisis? [4]

Lotsa ideas on this site (which gives you an exhaustive list of other sites:): shambles/pages/learning/GeogP/climate/

May I ask a question? What steps are you currently taking? That's a good starting point for the essay. I can share my short list with you: conserve household energy (turn down the thermostat, switch to eco bulbs, use dishwasher only when fully loaded, ditto with washing machine, dry clothes without dryer) take public transportation or walk/bike. I'm afraid these won't have major impact but at least it's an effort.

Will give more thought on out-of-the-norm ideas and keep you posted.

Writing Feedback / Argument essay, Smoking in public [7]

Troy, why don't you post a revised essay and we'll comment. Notoman has given you plenty to work on - he has raised great potential "holes" that you can easily patch up.

(Quantity in feedback does not necessarily bring quality!!)

Research Papers / Vocational research paper on house sparrows - trouble starting paper [5]

What does your research tell you? If you could answer this in one sentence, what would you say? Start with the end in mind (the thesis statement - last sentence in intro paragraph.) For instance (and I know nothing about house sparrows,) the importance of house sparrows to controlling the insect population. Outline your key points supporting this thesis (i.e. the evolution of house sparrows up to current demographics, migration patterns and how this relates with the weather, flora and fauna of whatever geography your research indicates, and the corresponding insect population.) Then recap your conclusion in the final paragraph.

Undergraduate / Career goals: see the side of things you never expected to see [4]

Sorry - I can't find what I just answered you, Marcus. (I hope the EF mods can!!)
Top of mind, I wrote that you should answer the prompt about your career goals, what you want to do in film and specifics about the Art Institute (like what courses, special depts. extracurriculars will enable you to succeed in film.)

Also, that the part about your highschool grades is unnecessary. Doesnt' help your essay.
Good luck!!

Book Reports / To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee, coming of age novel. Essay about theme? [2]

How about starting by writing down how you feel about the theme and the central role of conflict in the lead characters? How do you see their "coming of age?" Based on your personal experience (or opinion) is loss of innocence caused by or inextricably linked to the evil side of human nature? Do you agree with the theme "If a person looks at life with sympathy and understanding, then it's possible to maintain faith in humanity despite it's capacity for evil?

i.e. do you have faith in humanity despite its capacity for evil?

Accompany your argument with what you feel are the strongest examples in the story. Debate with the characters and play devil's advocate to convince the reader of your position (faith in humanity... or not.) It will help for you to take a position!!

Writing Feedback / Argument essay, Smoking in public [7]

I couldn't find any fallacies in your essay, only need for some organization.
Your thesis statement is smoking should not be allowed in public places for three reasons a) because it harms smokers; b) non-smokers and c) the environment. You can then make topic sentences for each subsequent paragraph to elaborate on each point, followed by your closing sentence:


breaking it up into two sentences for more effect.

Graduate / SOP for photography college -- capturing a moment [3]

It's unique and cool that you have such passion for photography coming from an IT engineering background. This should mean your left and right brain are superbly developed, right. How to get this across in the SOP?


Totally agree with your self-critique. Do you have any compelling examples of how you used photography as a software engineer at T-mobile? This would make the second paragraph work in your favor (it currently doesn't really strengthen the SOP as per your conclusion quoted above.)


Flesh this out with specifics, not generalities. What kind of photographer do you strive to be (portrait, landscape, abstract?) What are the fields you absolutely love? What specific specialized knowledge and skills do you want to acquire in HKU?

Scholarship / Community service: This is an essay for the nordstrom scholarship [3]

The prompt is a bit tricky. Can you check if the essay should be about you devoting one year of service (instead of going to college) or volunteering while you are in college?

If you were to devote one year of service to a volunteer project, what would it be and what would you hope to accomplish?

I am guessing they want to hear the specifics of what you can do OVER ONE YEAR. As such, what your wrote is mostly very general. Can you outline your primary goal (i.e. help raise money to grant 100 wishes?) and a year's worth of projects (or an action plan) to achieve this?

BTW - out of your entire essay, only these three sentences answer the Q:

Dissertations / PhD Topic Help on Database Management Systems [5]

How about this?
1) Try googling the syllabus (course description) of the top unis in this field (HYPS, MIT, Caltech.)
2) Isn't there a specialized research publication in this field (like Nature for Science?)
3) If not, just search for articles in NYT etc.
I'm sure this should give you some basis for great hot topics.

Good luck!!

Scholarship / "finding advanced technologies that work on safe energy"-Statement of Objectives [4]

Hey - nice field for grad work. Do you have to work for this company in order to get the scholarship? If yes, you will have to be more specific about the company and what you can contribute after graduating. If not, don't mention it so much. Here is an example of how to reduce repetition and strengthen what you are saying. You have awesome qualifications so be sure to let them shine through!! (not by talking about them, but showing what you did.)

Letters / My CV for undergraduate admission (economics, experience, leadership, activity) [4]

General overall (personal) reactions:
Firstly, the CV needs dates and specifics. Secondly, I am not sure starting off with Economics experience and Leadership works in your favor. Thirdly, the bullet points format makes the CV way too long for the reader to get a focussed impression of what I am sure are your impressive experiences. And I think your Leadership experiences belong under Extracurricular as they are in school. Finally, pick out your top 3 MOST meaningful significant experience and elaborate on them. Hopefully, there will be a common theme that stands out and demonstrates your area of interest or excellence.

Some examples of where you need to be more specific:
# Researched information of latest economic condition IT WOULD HELP TO SAY WHAT ECON CONDITION YOU RESEARCHED
# Obtained general knowledge of economic structure and financial system THIS IS VAGUE AND REPEATS THE EARLIER POINT
# Focused on Sino-US and China-Euro relations WHAT ASPECT OF SINO-EURO AND SINO-US RELATIONS?

OK, now that I've given you feedback on the formal aspects of the CV, here is what I found most interesting about the info you provided on yourself:

You learned basic Japanese and participated in some activity (specifics??) that "Deepened perception of Sino-Japanese relations and Japanese cultures"
Now that is pretty unique for a chinese highschool graduate and more intrigueing than your research on Sino US or Sino European relations... I would like to learn more about WHY you did and what you learnt from it.