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Posts by yang
Joined: Nov 29, 2009		 Last Post: Feb 25, 2014
Threads: 2
Posts: 278  
From: United States of America

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yang   
Dec 7, 2009
Undergraduate / "She was a 7lb 11oz bundle of joy" - UT admission essay number 1 [22]

hmm, i guess i never really thought i was that good.

haha, i'm not simply praising you for the sake of it. i just really enjoy your very special way of talking about a very common topic (family member essays are very hard to write, since so many do their essays on that), but you pulled off the start really well.
yang   
Dec 7, 2009
Undergraduate / My first essay! Cornell Art and Science!! [22]

I'm not so sure if I'm good enough to become a contributor, but thanks a bunch. I will consider that.

haha it's not about being good, it's about being willing lol, it's really a great way to improve your own writing

experts

i meant it as an adjective, still confusing?

without much interest

I kinda meant it as though I didn't have much expectations, i can't really say that i didn't have interest since i don't even know the class. does that make sense?

Best to remove the 'history' bit.

yea, that's what i decided to do, just haven't the chance to repost yet.

also experienced sounds better than saw

but i did "see" the teacher writing on the board

Social studies course

mmm... not sure about this. my counselor told me that only specific courses need capital letters, but thx for pointing this out, i'll get it checked.

Besides this the third paragraph is completely unconnected to the ones that went before.

well i kinda need my third paragraph to cover the interest part of the prompt...and to explain why i had this epiphany about econ.

I guess I was being a bit more reasonable

wait, so the social studies and history and us gov still trouble you?

One option I thought about was "tying" your third paragraph with the words of your econ teacher

sorry, not sure to understand what you mean

I'm not too sure if it was due to this one remark of his that you realized how all your different interests were relevant to the field of economics

well, it was more like a discovery of economics. his statement clarified the misconception that i had about economics. wasn't in itself a revelation, but through the statement, I realized what economics actually was (not like all the other social studies class) and that it incorporates many elements i discussed in paragraph 3. does this still bother you?

sound somewhat contradictory to the remarks you made in the first paragraph.

yes, but i did mention how i disliked the classes, but not the subjects themselves, and i want to fully show it here cuz it's unrealistic that i'd like economics if i really hate history itself.

thanks guys! moonshadow, i definitely eagerly await your further comments, and logical fella, thx for your perspective! and btw, you definitely are qualified.
yang   
Dec 7, 2009
Undergraduate / "She was a 7lb 11oz bundle of joy" - UT admission essay number 1 [22]

Just out of curiosity though, what do you think I should go for?

nono, that's not what i meant. with my poor knowledge of literature, i can honestly NOT tell your character from your essay, so i definitely can't make some arrogant claim on what to do with your future.

what i meant is whether UT is your top choice. from your style, i can tell that you are not a common applicant. it's not just the writing, but also the way you capture the reader, which is definitely a lost art. so i kinda assumed that you are aiming for a higher college, not major or anything.

ps, i kinda wanted to do psychology so that i can read minds (yea, it was a couple of years ago...) but then dad told me that it's hard to get a job and most likely low-paid, so i chose something opposite: CEO hahaha
yang   
Dec 7, 2009
Undergraduate / My first essay! Cornell Art and Science!! [22]

I'm afraid I don't quite get what you mean by "flipping the question,"

sry, i meant flipping the order of the question: starting with the evolution, then answer the interests part.

Your way of answering question is the best possible way I could think of to address prompts like this. You answer every one of the aspects mentioned in the prompt, and I don't see any problem with that honestly.

thanks, you way overstate my essay...but i appreciate that :D

If that's the case, the adcom will hopefully understand what you mean by "assimilation of three cultures" and how it shaped your interests.

yea, my common app essay was the diversity essay, in which i talked about my immigrations

OK. That's pretty much it. I feel like most of the things I've said you already knew. :(

haha, definitely not. You helped TREMENDOUSLY. thanks a lot. (btw if you have time, you should definitely become a contributor. We think much alike, and i'm sure that you will be a great help to others)

I do have to say though, "My first essay! Cornell Art and Science!!" did make me chuckle a little bit.:)

haha, i know, how immature, i was really excited tho, to see how many people would try killing my essays after i critiqued harshly theirs...but now i FINALLY understood why there are so many colorful titles if you don't have to have any when you actually apply...a bit too late haha
yang   
Dec 6, 2009
Undergraduate / Why UChicago (diabetes changed my life and goals)? [7]

Would it be too much to talk about how getting diabetes changed my life and directed my goals...?

or, since uchicago is a HARDCORE creative (at least they're trying to promote themselves that way) school, you could talk about how you are the disease and you caught "yourself" but "you" overcame you... imagine the rest!

so what major? I applied early action economics, nervous of getting back the results in a week.
yang   
Dec 6, 2009
Undergraduate / "She was a 7lb 11oz bundle of joy" - UT admission essay number 1 [22]

yea, last friday.

but my scores kinda helped. ut was my backup (it's not showing off, just giving you a realistic portrait) - i kinda blew off that particular essay. my other ones were a lot better

compared to mine, yours is definitely a lot more defining and strong

so what major are you applying to? i did mccombs and plan II
yang   
Dec 6, 2009
Undergraduate / "an entirely different world" - Lafayette College supplement question [4]

an entirely different world than PGC MD, Lafayette U offers a diverse campus that allow me to...

I know I won't be the only stranger maybe? one's too broad

Lafayette's renowned Liberal Arts program

what program?

honing

nice word!

Most importantly Lafayette's academic outreach service and low student-faculty ratio means I'll easyly have access to help when needed.

say what they are.
what outreach service
low s-f ratio of ? grant me easy access to help...

just get in more detail about the specific programs, and combine some sentences. the ideas are good, but you need to get this edited by an english teacher.
yang   
Dec 6, 2009
Undergraduate / My first essay! Cornell Art and Science!! [22]

I now see that you are explaining mainly the "evolution" part of your intellectual interests in the third paragraph and how economics encompasses all those different interests.

wow, you totally hit the point. my counselor told me that this way works as well, so...

Now, however, I think you meant that just as in these other social studies classes in which you felt overwhelmed by other kids' "common American knowlege," you expected pretty much the same to happen in the econ class.

exactly. From the past social studies classes i took, i had a prejudice of economics

I find this sentence confusing because I wasn't sure whether you were expecting an actual history lecture in an econ class

so, should it be: "instead of a typical lecture,"

I think it'd be better to begin with just "Through my assimilation..."

yea, my first draft started with that.
do you think there would be a gap tho? like suddenly jumping from economics to my past/interests? if so, what would be a better transition?

how's this?

...I gained a diverse set of intellectual interests ranging from mathematics to languages. I enjoyed solving algebraic equations as much as reading a novel in French; I even relished watching historical movies and analyzing the significance of the fall of the French domination over Quebec despite my struggle in social studies.

Having read your essay over for the second time, I realized I was maybe being overly-critical.

by second time, do you mean that it was confusing to read? what were your initial criticism? while my counselor said it was ok to flip the question, is it more tiresome to read?

thanks a lot man, hope to interact you further on this essay!
yang   
Dec 6, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Short Essay: A counselor's experience [12]

They tell you to briefly elaborate on a work experience...so that's what I decided to do.

yes, but they don't want to know what you did, unless that changes something in your mind.

for example: i go to the library. do they care about how i arrange the books? no, what they care about is how the experience made me more patient, or careful, or helpful or a bookworm, or SOMETHING internal.

I learned work should never simply be work for a paycheck.

as i prob mentioned, this is...trivial. making this your main theme seems like you're trying to show the admin how you've finally caught up with the idea of working for what you like, and not money.

what i'm trying to say that it's not personal enough. you've got a great job, but that's all you learned? I can work at a lemonade stand and come to the exact same conclusion as this. therefore, it's really not unique enough

Again, not really sure what you expect me to talk about

Rather, work should be something you enjoy and look forward to every single day.

i guess i had a prob here. It's great that you see work as something you can enjoy, but that's IT? that's all you've got? your focus for this essay shouldn't be that job is fun, cuz this conclusion tells nothing about you, except that you enjoy work? instead of focusing on how fun you thought the experience is, it might be worthwhile to talk about it's impact on you, except the monetary side

Not a whole lot I can do in 150 words.

i understand your plight, and I'm not trying to discourage you or something, so no need to get defensive.

However, I've had to do an essay on "something you do for pleasure" in 100 words...so i know how you feel. You really don't need 150 words to talk about how you've been changed by a job, if you do it the right way. Don't waste sentences on talking generically about how fun it is, but tell the admin things they might not know. You've got an unique experience here, so tell it in an unique fashion and about the unique stuff you've done.
yang   
Dec 6, 2009
Writing Feedback / Dead Poets Society movie vs. my classroom [3]

contrast to

contrast with? i don't think contrast to is the right usage.
--yea, i checked and it's in contrast to (adverbial phrase). contrast (verb) to

to that of

correct me if i'm wrong, but shouldn't that be those since it refer to qualities?

successfully highlights

highlight, your subject's still qualities

real life example of Heart of Darkness

haha dunno what you're talking about YET, but it's still funny

The activity portrayed the novel's idea that imperialistic ideas are blind and apathetic to the cultures and traditions of the victimized country, and the obstacles representing emotional contemplations and physical difficulties that drag Marlow behind demonstrates that to attempt to incorporate a new culture or practice is impossible to accomplish without the acknowledge of and the respect for the differences in culture

this is hell of a long sentence. Maybe cut it with ; or .

for a school paper, this is not half bad. but one thing i'd like clarification upon. In our class we also talked about this movie, briefly. Isn't this where the character suicides because of the teacher's teaching that you have to live the world like there's no tomorrow? (if i'm off track, don't mind the rest)

our teacher argued that Keating is the irresponsible teacher for not giving the consequences to fully living. It's not because that you might die tomorrow that you can do whatever you want today. Life has rules and consequences, and if you lead a careless life since everybody's gonna die anyway, then you might just end up killing yourself when the consequences catch you.

If I'm not completely wrong, then you should prob mention that only the first part of prof's philosophy's actually right, since without worrying about the consequences of your actions is just a stupid and irresponsible teaching.
yang   
Dec 6, 2009
Undergraduate / "The war on terror is not fought on distant shores" - international concern [4]

be careful about this topic. you really don't wanna put too many radical statements cuz it's politics.

and I had nothing else to do,

and I had free time? nothing to do makes you sound like a really boring person

they are created and if they are created by society, we, as part of society have a role in their creation.

you mentioned the same thing in your second paragraph, but what proof do you half? It's really dangerous to just spur out these big theories if you don't have any backup. remember, this in itself is very controversial, and the admin might just discard it for its dangerous pessimism.

again, how did this impact you? I can talk about poverty all i want (that's the topic i chose for this), and how poverty isn't just money, but also deals mental stuff, but SO? it's great that the reader gets that you have insights on terrorism, but the reader learns nothing about you except that you excuse the twisted minds of terrorists with the fact that the society is evil

I began to think of his transformation from innocence to brutality

Do you know his life? If not, then how can you say that? I can simply be a crazy maniac and kill people for NO reason, yet wasn't I born an "innocent baby"?

the prose is good, but the idea is very very controversial and should be avoided or else you are going to offend the admin. I have particular trouble with:

The problem is not the terrorists; it is "us", the society that breeds these villains.

even it might sound logical to you, without explanation or solution, you are purely criticizing the society and say that it's the people's fault that they get bombed by some crazy maniac.
yang   
Dec 6, 2009
Undergraduate / Why Columbia and My Upbringing - The Columbia Short Answer and Essay [20]

I'm not totally sure why the essay made you so angry,

nono, i'm not angry at all, it's just that if i say state the same thing, without the same emotion, then you won't get the same meaning out of it.

i learned this trick when my english teacher pretty much did the same thing to me and left me in shock, but that transformed my way of thinking, so...sorry to be brutal tho, i just thought that it might help you the most.

well, kevin pretty much covered my main point, but he didn't say that you really need to ADD something. Your life can't be perfect, and both you (and the admin) know it. so you need to add some of the struggles you had and show how the good things in your life helped you through.

your essay right now is kinda like the high gpa/scores a person have. unless you tie something significant in that shows their value, then they'll just be numbers, in this case words
yang   
Dec 6, 2009
Undergraduate / "Tony taught me the most important lesson in my life" - admission essay [9]

lack of colorful words in some places

well, i'm not critiquing the lack of colorful words, cuz i myself don't write that many colorful words. What I'm saying is that generic sentences without outstanding vocab is even worse than really well written generic sentences

kevin, you mind editing my essay? pllz help me out.
yang   
Dec 6, 2009
Undergraduate / My first essay! Cornell Art and Science!! [22]

history, geography,

that's just part of the social studies, i had to mention them for the sake of my first sentence.

politics

reference to US gov.

still not clear?

It definitely does help, thanks Logical_Fella_C!
yang   
Dec 6, 2009
Undergraduate / "Tony taught me the most important lesson in my life" - admission essay [9]

Kevin, dunno if you'll read this, but is it irony? cuz i read these two sentences as generic statement that are simply word filing transitions, compared to some other ones: "I stammered" nice use of word! and the complete thing, powerful

and idk if you notice, but this essay has wayyyyy too many tony taught, he taught. it might be parallel structure, but... 1 or 2 is PLENTY. especially when "he taught" isn't particularly fancy.
yang   
Dec 6, 2009
Undergraduate / "transforming their bodies into pendulums" - Stanford short answer [4]

To have enough momentum for the first flip, I needed to collect force from my partner's hand, shoulder, and the floor simultaneously. I worked out how fast to swing my legs and when to curl up to have enough torque.

No idea what you are talking about, and i'm sure that the admin don't, and will not spend time picturing this in his/her head

why don't you go briefly over the details, and instead talk more about your psychology? why did you find it intellectually engaging, you covered HOW with physics and stuff, but not WHY (except when saying that you are the co-pres of dancing club, which suggests that it's a responsibility that you create new dance moves?)

And yet, it was my curious, exploratory nature that fueled my adventurous dancing spirit.

ok, in your conclusion, you cover the why part, but it's a bit too late don't you think?

you kinda get too much into explaining your passion and not why, which is actually the prompt. your conclusion pretty much has 2 parts: physics+dance. but where's the physics in the intro? remember, to captivate your reader, you NEED to say everything in intro, and conclude while referring back to your intro. WE SHOULD LEARN NOTHING NEW IN YOUR INTRO that you haven't covered. MANY MANY students forget this, including me.
yang   
Dec 6, 2009
Undergraduate / My heart is for FASION; FIT-Fashion Merchandising/ Perfect candidate [5]

You just say you love fashion and you are dedicated to fashion.But you don't say why are you interested in it.

good point, you only mention that BRIEFLY in the intro

which college you are transferring from

actually, since she talks about the awards (which is great btw, just enough, not too much), she needs the name of the college. Plus that makes it more personal than to say: the college i'm transferring from

The first two sentences are quite irrelevant to the rest

true, you never really come back to the moving part. was it immigration? or just a move? one way or the other, irrelevant.

I think you essay doesn't really answer the questions asked in the topic.

now, she did address to 2/3 of the prompt with her outline

Additionally, will you also find it intimidating to attend college

good point. talk about how you overcame the challenge, or the admin's gonna wonder: should i get a student that has fear in change?

You should move the last two paragraphs above the currently second paragraph.

actually, you should considering taking out your second paragraph and instead create a conclusion that answers: why choosing FIT? talk about the specific programs. do some research.
yang   
Dec 6, 2009
Undergraduate / U of Michigan - book essay [4]

english...wow, no wonder you write so well!

from your writing, i'm 80% sure that you'll get in (unless you bombed classes)...so good luck and don't worry!
yang   
Dec 6, 2009
Undergraduate / My first essay! Cornell Art and Science!! [22]

Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study. (500 words)

"No, not another social studies class!" was the first thought that came into my mind as I found out last year that I had to take not only US Government but also Economics. It's not that I dislike history or geography, but as an immigrant, I always found myself at a disadvantage in those classes since many things I learned for the first time were already part of the common American knowledge. Thus, having spent a semester being overwhelmed by my peers who all seemed expert in politics, I waited for the economics teacher to enter the classroom without much eagerness.

Instead of the typical lecture that I expected, the first economics class turned into a discussion under the guidance of Mr. Smith, our teacher. Although I lacked knowledge of American history and didn't contribute much to the group conversation, I became intrigued by this unusual way of teaching a social studies course. It was with much curiosity that I attended the second class...and saw something that completely blew my mind: Mr. Smith was writing math equations on the board. What happened to the economics class I had imagined in which the word "integral" would be a profanity? Hopelessly confused, I was struck by Mr. Smith's enlightenment: "...a big part of economics is the study of demand and supply, which can be visualized through graphs and analyzed using past data. Eventually, the economist can make accurate predictions through history and propose plans that will benefit the society in accordance..." That moment was the beginning of an infatuation.

Actually, Mr. Smith's speech was simply the spark that set the fuse; my love for economics laid its foundation in my cultural background. Through my immigration to three countries, each with a different educational system, I gained a wide set of intellectual interests ranging from mathematics to languages. I enjoyed solving algebraic equations and analyzing graphs as much as reading a novel in French or watching documentaries on ancient Chinese dynasties. Unfortunately, this diverse array of academic interests also harbored unsolved discords...until I discovered economics. Not only a fascinating topic, this intricate course also merges my seemingly conflicting likings and takes full advantage of my understanding of different languages and cultures since macroeconomics deals with foreign affairs. I realized that with my unique past experiences, my potential in economics is limitless. I could even aim for the international!

My discovery of the economics programs in Cornell was yet another "love at first sight". Its Independent Study program will allow me to conduct research as an undergraduate student and provide me with experience before I apply for the Honors Program research opportunity my senior year. Also, I really look forward to interacting with other passionate students through the Cornell Economics Society and to read its publication of "The Visible Hand" journal, which incorporates insightful updates on the current economy and job status. Finally, with math being one of my favorite subjects and an inherent part of economics, I plan to double major in mathematics.

-------------
extra info:
* i talked about this a lot in my main app essay which entitles diversity :)
same routine, be as gentle as you can :D jkjk, an arrogant challenge: kill the essay if you can!
yang   
Dec 6, 2009
Undergraduate / My heart is for FASION; FIT-Fashion Merchandising/ Perfect candidate [5]

Although as a high school senior I can really no give much thought about your topic, but from a purely literary point of view, this essay is good, but lacks the personal information that the college seeks.

If the transfer process is the same as the new freshman app, then you need to talk more about your passion for fashion, and tell WHY fashion is special to you.

I had always had a special place in my heart for fashion. This class introduced me to the many fields within the fashion industry.

why was the class special?

At first I was very interested in the design, but when I realized I did not have the artistic skills needed I decided to take on the business aspect of fashion.

so fashion is just your "second choice" or backup after failing in design?

This experience allowed me to understand how important it is to know your customer.

how?

I loved the rush of having to change the models and send them back out on the runway.

why?

This experience sparked my interest in styling and trend forecasting.

be more precise?

the outline seems good, but you need to explain EVERY SINGLE STATEMENT ABOUT YOUR PSYCHOLOGY. you're happy, why? you're excited, why? you fear, why? you stop fearing, why? if the reader doubts, then he/she will start imagining things that might not be who you are. see where i'm going at?

hope that i helped despite my limited knowledge of the transfer process
yang   
Dec 6, 2009
Undergraduate / U of Michigan - book essay [4]

no good. I was

transition? After a few pages maybe?

wham!

putting those interjections make your essay sound baby-like. they don't really convey effect much anyway...o i take that back, you talk a lot about baby steps. nice thinking

highly effective

tone down a bit? when you praise yourself too highly, the reader has tendency to disregard your accomplishments

overall, not bad. It reflects on your personality, your struggles, and your logical approach to problems. i think this is ready for submission!

what major are you applying for? I applied there as Early notification economics major.
yang   
Dec 6, 2009
Undergraduate / why individuality is important to me and how it affected me today college essay! [18]

obviously she looked for the word tomboy AFTER her personality developed

yup, agreed. but either way, if she actually chose a word that reflects perfectly her personality (very unlikely anyway, since each human being is so different), then chronologically it doesn't matter does it?

I mean, would you say: smart, logical, nerdy, a geek? or would you say Geek, smart, logical, and nerdy? I guess it depends on your own "voice" and preference.
yang   
Dec 6, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Short Essay: A counselor's experience [12]

the pay almost nonexistent

still is awkward

but I wouldn't trade my camp experiences for anything else

sounds magnanimous: Oh, even though I'm not paid, the experience was SOOOOOOOO great that I wouldn't do ANYTHING else for money.

still not personal enough. It's not about what happened to you, but how you THINK. everything you talked about are FACTS. the admin can care less about facts, unless they determine how you think.

it changed the way I viewed work.

so, HOW DO YOU VIEW WORK?

Rather, work should be something you enjoy and look forward to every single day.

great, you understand work. so why should the admin accept you? i mean, work comes later and you never tied it to college or your personality.
yang   
Dec 6, 2009
Undergraduate / why individuality is important to me and how it affected me today college essay! [18]

where you seek out the word tomboy to describe an extant personality

yea, but then the word will sound like it's been added... for some reason

the whole point of putting a word is to catch the reader's eye, so if you put it later, it kinda loses the whole purpose. i mean the prompt isn't find a word that describes you.
yang   
Dec 6, 2009
Undergraduate / Help with Harvard essays "a person who has affected me" and promptless essay [10]

Essay 1 sounds like a pseudo-slugfest with someone who has been jamming your head in the toilet forever

i pictured a little white boy with big glasses like in the Peter Pan movie, you know the youngest? except 10 times as nerdy and... the type who's really easily intimidated. ah, me and my fantasies.
yang   
Dec 5, 2009
Undergraduate / Help with Harvard essays "a person who has affected me" and promptless essay [10]

Plus no greencard, so international.

how unlucky...

What kinds of awards have you guys gotten?

haha, as long as it's not IMO or international junior nobel prize, harvard'll just skim at it with squeaky eyes and disapproval hahaha

i mean with harvard, the only thing you can do is cross your fingers and pray.
yang   
Dec 5, 2009
Undergraduate / why individuality is important to me and how it affected me today college essay! [18]

Hair: short, brown, unkempt. Favorite childhood pastime: searching for rolly pollies in novel places. Social circle: , Interests:

eye catching, yes, but no social OR interest? what kind of maniac are you or trying to tell the admin? i mean, what you ARE is reflected in what you WRITE. So tone down a bit in this. you really don't want a NEGATIVE eye catch. after all, the admin remembers you by your first sentence.

this said, I agree with this strategy, just not this EXACT first sentence.
yang   
Dec 5, 2009
Grammar, Usage / A Question about "Voice" - inspired by some helpful feedback from Mayada [25]

on a literary level, i believe that voice is style and tone, but more style.

does that person write crazy thoreau-like sentences with a bunch of sat words? or more down to earth and direct? or very elevated with a bunch of metaphor?

personally, I can't write like natives, so I have to use ideas to compensate my lack of mastery of writing. My voice would more down the line of normal, direct, and fast pace.

but i might just completely misunderstand voice. I mean, it's not a well defined literary term.
yang   
Dec 5, 2009
Undergraduate / why individuality is important to me and how it affected me today college essay! [18]

("Hair: short, brown, unkempt. Favorite childhood pastime: searching for rolly pollies in novel places. Social circle: , Interests: " etc)

beware, don't make you sound like an antisocial maniac.

your reflection on being yourself and the problem with the term 'tomboy.'

well, you don't want to focus on the word, but who you are, which isn't exactly the word from your description.

my suggestion, again, is to use an event.

your reflection on being yourself

is good, but how do you change that without something happening to you? How do you go from shy to not shy? something MUST happen.

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