Writing Feedback / Socialization process. Who influences you more? Peers or parents and teachers? [10]

Socialization is already known as a process therefore, to say


is a redundancy. Rather than saying


use the term "youngsters" instead as that term encompasses the under-aged members of society in general. Your paragraph about the teachers is also just one long redundant paragraph. Try to rephrase the topic being discussed in such a manner that you offer more than just the example of teachers as role models. Perhaps explain how they are seen a 2nd parents and advisers by the students, who seek their opinion as a 2nd opinion depending upon what their parents say and do in their observation. Your statement about family culture and tradition is quite short and looks under developed. So you need to beef up that statement. One way of doing that is by using your personal experience as a solid example of the way teachers and parents have positively influenced your life, discussing in a very light manner the kind of positive or negative influence that your peers / friends have upon you as well.

Writing Feedback / What ways do you suggest to make ads effective? What are their good and bad effects on the society? [11]

Rather than saying


, you could instead opt to say "... on society. This paper will look deeper into the issues that make advertising effective in positive and negative manners upon society." That way you can combine the two prompts into one discussion and offer a complete overview of the topics that are to follow without having to be too wordy. Don't forget to clarify your point of view in the introduction. Do you agree or disagree that advertising is good or bad for society?

Never say


. For one thing, you do not have a formal source for the information you previously stated, for another thing, it is not an effective transitory sentence. Instead begin the paragraph with


Your concluding paragraph is not a conclusion. It offers new information and thus, is a stand alone additional paragraph. I never read any portion in the essay that clearly states what you believe in about the prompt either. Clarify that portion. Your voice and opinion need to be clearer in this essay. It is a requirement because the prompt specifically asks you to agree or disagree with the the options provided in the prompt.

Writing Feedback / What ways do you suggest to make ads effective? What are their good and bad effects on the society? [11]

Something like that.The effectiveness of your essay lies in the way that you combine the two separate topics for discussion into one interesting thesis prompt. The topic that you have selected for your IELTS practice test is far more than a regular test topic. It actually requires some research and the use of transition sentences or paragraphs within the essay itself in order to discuss the topic properly. The discussion should be in two parts. The first part will be the discussion about what makes advertisements effective, then, towards the concluding paragraph, you can begin to discuss how this effectiveness has brought good and bad effects upon our society, closing the discussion with a statement that while ads do have good and bad effects, it is something that our society cannot do without for specific reasons.

Graduate / The sparks of innovation all start with the way we experience and perceive the world surround us. [4]

You have a very strong academic background regarding Digital Media. It seems that the strength of your application lies in your theoretical approach to the work to be done. These are excellent factors that strengthen the perception that you fully understand what the course of study demands and should result in upon completion. However, not all of the theoretical background that you have can enhance your application in the best possible way. An admissions officer will look into your professional background in order to get a better understanding of the actual and practical knowledge that you possess regarding the use of Digital Media. I do not see any professional experience, or even internships mentioned that could give the admissions officer an insight into that area of your expertise. The practical side, the seminars you attended, and the career path that you have set out for yourself in terms of advancement are all integral factors that must be found in your essay. These details carry far more weight in the consideration of your application than the previous college learning that you have completed. As a masters degree candidate, you need to show that you are able to handle work and study, merge theoretical with practical, and develop a new concept regarding the use of Digital Media in the future. You need to show a definite future career path, possibly explaining your own concept of how to use better use Digital Media in the future in order to stir interest in your application. Right now, your application is only full of theoretical knowledge and assumptions. You need solid plans, ideas, and career paths to define the reason, purpose, goal, and final objective of your desire to attend higher studies.

Scholarship / Flashing lights. Tangled bodies. Room shaking. Bass blaring. Sweet intoxication. [7]

The tone of voice that your future plans essay must have is one of self-confidence and a conviction that your goals and future plans will not fail. We are talking about your dream career and life in this essay. You need to come across as self-assured and unwavering in your beliefs in order to pull off this kind of essay. There is no room for Plan B because the essay specifically asks you to describe your future career goals and plans. All of which require a Plan A type of setting. That is why there is a limitation on the word count. As a college student, you are going after your great dreams for your personal and career success. Nothing should deter you from that. That is the sole focus of the essay. Don't let your self doubt allow the admissions officer to question if you have what it takes to complete the course. Determination is the key factor that should be the driving force behind your essay. Right now, your current version embodies all of these requirements. Save for some grammatical and sentence structure issues that need to be corrected, the overall essay is ready for use in my opinion.

Undergraduate / I survived a storm (CommonApp Essay about self transformation - prompt #5) [5]

I'd be glad to help you with the editing once the final content of the paper is done. Please refer to the suggestions I made regarding the way the paper was written and how it can be improved. Apply the necessary changes and then post the new version here so that we can edit it. What I would like to do is strengthen the paper and clarify some points that seem weak in the essay before the editing of the grammatical and sentence structure errors are done. I basically asked you to strengthen the lessons that you learned from the death of your mother and explain how the loss of your mother helped you develop a more mature mindset and realize that you needed to take more responsibility for yourself and your family. By doing so, the transition discussion in the essay will be completed. Applying the changes will strengthen the paper and make it ready for final editing.

Writing Feedback / What ways do you suggest to make ads effective? What are their good and bad effects on the society? [11]

Since the essay is asked to discuss two related topics, it would have been in the best interest of your paper to have use transition paragraphs instead of trying to cover both topics for discussion in the introductory statement. While the rule of thumb is that we need to rephrase the prompts at the very start, this essay should have been treated more as a research paper rather than a common essay discussion. Starting off with one topic, perhaps the


would have made an excellent jumping off point that would have allowed you to show a glimpse into the final part of the paper regarding the good and bad effects of advertising. That way when you finally get into the second part of the discussion, you could have presented the paper in a more developed and analytical manner. Like I said, this paper needed to be handled in two parts as one essay rather than having mini-discussions about each topic in order to have given a more effective and sound paper.

Undergraduate / A prestigious education is at the heart of all goals I would like to pursue in life. USC Application [2]

I was able to edit your essay down to 166 words. I hope this version works for you. I removed the wordiness and redundancies that were in the original version :-)

A prestigious education is at the heart of all goals I would like to pursue in life. Starting with a pre-pharmaceutical undergraduate degree I will be able to enhance my aspirations in the health field.Through this college, my first choice major would be Biological Sciences followed by Chemistry. By engaging in the Trojan Admission Pre-Pharmacy Program, I will draw myself to a community of scholars who have the same goals and aspirations and will provide me with the motivation to further pursue my dreams. At USC, I hope to familiarize myself with medical knowledge, so in the future I can help solve issues in health care. USC offers one of the most diverse and largest student bodies in the country. I cannot imagine a better combination to prepare me for pre-pharmaceutical studies and subsequently acceptance to pharmacy school, and being exposed to such a diversified study body that represent the world population is an immense advantage that makes a person one step closer to changing it.

Undergraduate / I survived a storm (CommonApp Essay about self transformation - prompt #5) [5]

While the essay needs to be edited fro grammar, redundancy, and tightened for content, I can safely tell you that the paper you developed safely falls under the "transition from child to adulthood". It shows a life altering event that definitely would force you to take on more responsibility for yourself and your family, and learn how to handle serious situations that children should not have to face at such a tender age. I feel that you need to highlight the sense of responsibility that you developed over time because of the household and school duties that you had to be responsible for, since there was no mother to help you out. Highlight the lessons that you learned as you faced failures and difficulties in order to give more supporting details to your claim towards the end that these experiences not only helped you learn about responsibility, but also helped you to become the better person that you are today.

Undergraduate / USC Supplements. From skinny boy to Badminton Varsity Team [4]

You first have to consider if you enjoyed being the treasurer of the Badminton club. If you did, then surely there are activities that you did as the treasurer that left an impression on you and helped you discover a different side to your personality or sense of responsibility. Why not discuss it along those lines? Explain how your responsibility as the treasurer helped you discover who you are and hence, you learned that being financially responsible is important to you. Maybe there was a tournament that you had to raise funds for in order to participate, or you had to balance the finances in order to purchase some important equipment for the team? Those are some situations that can actually play into the expectations of the prompt. You need to show how being a treasurer made you highly involved in the club activities and that you learned many life lessons in the performance of your duties.

Undergraduate / A Business Venture; With an industrious nature, I have been met with great success - USC Writing [7]

The essay is alright if you are planning to use it for a different common app prompt. Perhaps one relating to a personal statement or what inspired you to pursue this line of study, maybe even explaining how you developed an interest in it. For this particular prompt though, it is not going to work. Try to come up with a totally new essay. One that actually has an extra curricular activity that could apply to the prompt expectations. Remember, if your first few sentences tells the admission officer that the essay is not aligned with the prompt, he is not going to finish reading it.

Undergraduate / A Business Venture; With an industrious nature, I have been met with great success - USC Writing [7]

Your response does not really answer the prompt. While it is nice to get an insight into your idealistic point of view, the prompt is asking you to share an extra curricular activity that has helped you learn about the world, made you interested in a undertaking, or perhaps, helped you develop a character trait that you did not have before. Participating in online forums does not really provide that kind of insight into your personality or learning influences. Try to come up with something more solid. An activity that taught you a skill, helped you develop a mindset, or developed a trait within you will work best in response to this prompt. Volunteer activities, sports, and even part time jobs could help you better respond to this prompt.

Undergraduate / Helping others is as my second nature - UT Austin Upper Division Nursing Class Application Essay [3]

I would have opened the essay with "Nursing is my life" in order to create a hook for the admissions officer. It will get him to think about why you would make such a statement and encourage further reading of your essay. Your current opening statement is too bland and does not really offer an insight into nursing as a career for you. Rather it shows a humanitarian side which, although a part of the call for a nurse, does not really translate into a compelling reason for pursuing this career. Your essay will best pick up from the point where you stated what happened when you were 14 years old as it shows the early foundation of your nursing career and directly ties in with your humanitarian side in relation to your desire to pursue nursing as a career. While your essay is highly informative, it is so filled with words that it becomes hard to read and truthfully, become boring after a time. You need to compress your paragraphs and shorten the content to reflect straightforward answers to the prompt requirements. Rather than presenting your future goals per paragraph, just write one collective paragraph that will deal with it. After all, your ambition for one, applies to all aspects of your nursing career.

Undergraduate / To me, Lafayette is an "oddly sentimental" college, sensitive enough to know what I am looking for. [4]

You are writing essay drafts at this point so you should not consider the word limit yet. It is always in the best interest of your essay to have you write the longest possible version for it as your first draft. In that version, say everything that you need to. Don't miss out on the important parts. Then set it aside for a few hours or a day. Come back and read it. Decide which parts may be redundant or unnecessary to the essay. Mark those portions and revise the essay accordingly. Set it aside again. Give it another few hours then read it again. Decide which portions you can compress into the same paragraphs and combine them in the next version. The essay should be closer to the 200 word limit by this time. Finally, set it aside one more time and review it. Do the same process. Delete or combine as you go along and you will end up with a well written and informative 200 word essay :-)

Undergraduate / To me, Lafayette is an "oddly sentimental" college, sensitive enough to know what I am looking for. [4]

What is the word limit on your essay? Your paragraphs are too short and under developed. It does not really help paint a clear idea as to why you chose to apply to Lafayette. You should consider 3 aspects when discussing your choice of university:

1. The major you chose to enroll in and why Lafayette is the only university that can properly address your ideas for the proper education that one should have when striving to complete this major;

2. The possible support programs, internships, mentor programs, etc. that the university offers that can help you better equip yourself for a future in this field;

3. The student community and the diversity that exists. This is of particular importance for foreign students such as yourself who may need some help in adjusting to the new culture and academic lifestyle.

Develop these ideas for your essay and you will come to realize that you actually came up with some pretty good, or near perfect answers to the question "Why Lafayette?" :-)

Undergraduate / USC Supplements. From skinny boy to Badminton Varsity Team [4]

The essay prompt is requesting that you discuss the character traits and other aspects of your personality that have been enhanced by your participation in particular extra curricular activities. In your case, the essay should concentrate not only on the physical development of your personality, but also the other aspects of a badminton player that the activity helped developed. If you feel that it helped you develop your management skills, sense of team work and cooperation (when playing doubles), and the like, then go ahead and discuss those as well. Just make sure to make connections between the physical, mental, and social aspects that developed for you as a participant. You need to show that this particular activity helped you become an active and involved member of the community. If you had to do some charity work, volunteer activities, etc. as a member of the team, highlight those activities as well.

Undergraduate / Athletic Training and sport medicine aspects and personal expierence [2]

Let's concentrate on the first part of the essay. Your introduction at this point needs to be edited for clarity. I really sense that you were confused about what course you wanted to take in college prior to the Athletic Training course you took. Let us try to create a more focused persona for you in the eyes of the admissions officer by making it sound like you have always wanted to go into Athletic Training and Sports Medicine as a career. An admissions officer is always impressed once he reads and essay and early on establishes that the applicant has a definite career path set out for him or herself from the get-go. I would like to see that in your essay as well.

About the Ms. Bunch person, establish her character early on in the essay as positive influence who further persuaded you that you are on the right career path. That way her entrance and the subsequent encounters that you had with her in the narrative does not come across as abrupt. You have a number of experiences related to the major that you wish to pursue. I suggest that you limit it to the singular, most important experience that could serve as the basis for convincing you that you will be a success in this career. That would have more impact than 4 stories of experiences at various levels of participation. What we are looking for here is your moment of epiphany.

Overall, the essay just needs tweaking and some editing but it is a pretty solid piece of writing and can actually work well with regards to enhancing your application.

Undergraduate / UNIVERSITY OF WA PUBLIC HEALTH/HEALTH STUDIES TRANSFER PERSONAL STATEMENT-ADULT RETURNED TO COLLEGE [4]

The keyword here is personal history and educational history / goals. What you should be thinking about are two parts. The first being how your personal history played a part in your dropping out of high school and then for the second part, the role it played in getting you back to school. We are all just average students. What makes each of us special is the culture and tradition on our family part that makes our educational goals and ambitions worth the trek. Talk about family members who may have inspired you to go back to school and get your GED when you had already thought your life was over after dropping out. Look for the important people who can serve as an inspiring part of your cultural background. Once you realize what it is about your personal background that has helped you get to this point in your personal and educational life, you will have developed an essay that is uniquely all about you :-)

Undergraduate / VT reasons to be a Hokie [4]

Definitely write another essay for the UT Prosim prompt. That is a common app for VT that is of huge importance to the application process. Which is the main reason that is was given a separate essay. You need to thoroughly address the way that you understand the motto and how you embody it rather than making it a mere mention in an essay that begs for other reasons as to why you wish to become a Hokie. Remember, you need to write about 5 specific reasons that you look forward to joining VT. These reasons could be based upon academics, extra curricular activities, the student community, study programs, etc. Make sure that you clearly state the reasons so that 5 reasons will and can actually be counted when your essay is reviewed and read.

Undergraduate / "Don't Forget The Lyrics" (A Cheesy Common App Essay About A Bad Audition - Prompt #2) [5]

The first essay has some grammatical errors and transitory sentence problems but can still be considered a better start to the previous version. While I still feel that you should explain why you have been going on auditions, I feel that the essay at least offers a better glimpse into your mindset at the time. That part however, still needs to be developed in its succeeding paragraphs. Don't use this essay for the current prompt. Save it perhaps for a central identity or free topic prompt. It is a topic that seems to explain who you are and how you became that person rather than a lesson learned.

Your second essay holds more potential towards properly answering the prompt at this point. It contains the back story, the catalyst for the event, and a glimpse into a lesson that can be learned from what happened. You need to develop it further and allow your character development to show. Make sure that there truly is a lesson to be learned from this failure though and that you present it in a manner that will prove to be character building more than anything else.

Good luck with both essays. I am looking forward to reading both versions when you are finally done with them. By the way, don't forget to post them as separate threads. That way the MOD's won't have to delete the second essay in the thread that you started :-)

Scholarship / Flashing lights. Tangled bodies. Room shaking. Bass blaring. Sweet intoxication. [7]

Once you try to discuss more than one topic pertaining to the central theme of the paper, expect the paper to not only get confusing, but also deviate from the prompt. Your current essay is right on the mark in terms of discussing your career / ultimate goal. Don't muddle the issue by offering information that is not necessary to the further development of the essay. That said, I really believe that the essay will lose further focus if you introduce your studying abroad. With regards to your personal and educational goals however, it just might work to tie in with your career goal. I guess I will have to read how you plan to approach integrating that topic into your essay before I can accurately judge whether its addition will help or damage your essay. Try to write that into your next version of the essay and I will review it for you. I'll give you an honest opinion about how it blended with the essay.

Writing Feedback / A large portion of country's budget should be diverted to health and preventive measures. [2]

Alleb, when you write an introductory statement, make sure to present the prompt in the first sentence by rephrasing it. An effective introduction offers a complete overview of the topic to be discussed, the supporting and opposing arguments, and finally, your personal opinion on the matter that will be discussed in the essay.

Your arguments are riddled with grammatical problems that render the sentences difficult to read and lessens the impact of your comments. Your reasoning is also weak and too common sense in approach. You need to present deeper reasons on the pro and con sides which you can develop within a paragraph each. Discussing the essay that way will make it balanced and allow you to better develop your discussion ideas. Right now, it sounds like you are just throwing around your ideas without really considering the best method of presenting the information you wish to share with the reader.

When it comes to your personal opinion, It is almost non-existent. You cannot present a personal opinion at the end of the essay as that is against formal writing rules. You need to make sure that your personal opinion is placed as the 3rd paragraph of your essay. Doing so will ensure that the conclusion will contain a summary of the discussion and facts, a restatement of the prompt, and finally, your reworded personal opinion as a reiteration of your stance.

Undergraduate / Being a native born Salvadorian has automatically injected diversity into my being [2]

Monica, my opinion is that you should go withe the second essay. The one that discusses diversity and offers a glimpse into your world of two traditions, one family. It shows the extent of the influence that diversity has had on your development as a person. As such, it much more strongly responds to the prompt than the first one that you developed as an answer for a different prompt. I would like to advice you though to add another touch to your diversity profile by showing the admissions officer exactly how your diverse culture has helped you socially. Making you a very interesting person to interact with. Show the ways and means by which you manage to influence your friends through your diverse background and how you have unknowingly helped to not only spread diversity, but also understanding among people of highly different cultures. The addition of that information should further strengthen your essay and drive the point home about diversity and its influence upon you.

Graduate / 'Microsoft's Xwatch'; What are your career goals, why an MBA and why Georgia Tech? MBA essay [2]

While your essay is presented in an interesting manner, it kind of needs work when it comes to the professional experience. Don't you have any actual work experience to fall back on to refer to in the essay? While your academic MUN experience is notable, it would be in your best interest to present some sort of professional experience to back up your application. Remember that a statement of purpose is supposed to present your work experience in a more notable manner than your academic experience. A masters course after all, asks that you have some professional experience to call upon while working on your classes. Without the professional experience that connects to your masters course, it may be difficult for the admissions officer to truly judge if you have the capacity to handle the demands and complete the masters study. I realize that you are trying to present yourself in the most impressive light, it is only dimmed by the lack of professional experience on your part. Try to mention something, even an actual internship that might be able to provide an insight into how successful you may actually be in the real world workplace. That is the only part of the prompt that you have failed to respond to properly.

Undergraduate / Unforgeteful Driving Experience - similar with an episode of spongebob squarepants [2]

The essay lacks a proper reflection upon the way the driving tests affected you. There is a disconnection in the way that the essay is written in the sense that there is no portion that proves the importance of this test to you and highlights the disappointment that you felt and why you would feel that way. Perhaps it is because of the tremendous number of grammatical errors in the narrative that caused this lack of emotional connection. Even the lesson that you learned is portrayed in a light mannered manner. Almost as if it did not matter if you failed the test twice or not. There is no clear explanation as to how that adage from your parents applied to your situation. You also need to clarify that you eventually passed the test thanks to the lessons that you learned from your previous failure. Basically, what your essay lacks it a character or trait build up that stems from the double failure. You need to show your growth as a person and the development of a logical side to you that did not exist before and probably would not have existed had you not experienced this failure.

Speeches / English language status in your country and note making for students good academics performance [2]

In your first response, open with the fact that English is the adopted language of your country and as such, has made it the default language of the business community. An explanation of the history of the English language in your country, a brief explanation, would also help establish the historical reasons as to why English is a popular language in your country. Close the statement by reiterating that English is the global business language so it is only follows that your country would push for the same in their own business community. That will close the deal regarding the popularity of English in your country. The second response, has a number of grammatical errors that need to be corrected but works because the reasons that you gave for the importance of note taking by students truly holds water. So work on improving your second statement response. Revising the method by which you present your answer should help you clean up the grammar problems that currently exist. The first one works well already.

Undergraduate / I crave to pop this suburban bubble, leave my familiar environment, and experience change [2]

Okay. The essay does not really offer the answer that prompt requires. Have you given any thought to further expanding the discussion about the experiences and lessons that you learned in Nicaragua in order to help portray the ways that you hope to help enrich the university community? That would have been the most proper response to the essay. Truth be told, the essay lost focus after you mentioned that you looked forward to sharing those experiences with the UCB community. Try to expand upon that statement by offering clear ideas about how you plan to share that experience in a learning way with your peers. The rest of your essay after that Nicaragua prompt just does not fall within the prompt requirements so you can delete those parts and revise the latter portion of the paper totally. That is the only way to best present your response to the prompt based upon the requirements provided.

Undergraduate / This essay is to know you as an individual, independent of test scores and other objective data. [3]

Cristina, I am not really sure what you hope to accomplish with all the name dropping that you are doing within this essay. You need only present an overview of your family culture and history, not provide their autobiography, in relation to their influence in your life. That said, you need to refocus the essay on the influence your family has had on your development as a person instead of offering half of the essay in tribute to their trials and tribulations in life. You also need to revise the part that explains why you chose to attend UCF. Unless your cousin is a noted graduate of the institution, there is really no need for you to mention his name and his completed degree. Doing that makes it sound like you are trying to unduly influence the admissions officer into admitting you into the university. Are you trying to point out that you are a legacy student of the university? I which case, it should be either your mother, father, brother, or sister who attended, and you need not mention them by name because their relation to you will have preceded your essay. Rather than discussing your cousin, discuss instead the academic and social community of the school as the main reasons that you have chosen to seek admission to the university. That will work better rather than using the experience of someone else who graduated from the university as your reason for applying.

Scholarship / Scholarship essay about where I would see myself in future if I had the chance to time travel [2]

Sami, you need to discuss this essay from the point of view of wishing to discover who or what you will be in the next ten years. Don't tell the story from the point of how you achieved the status you hope to have by that time. Instead, discuss it in a manner that shows your career and personal expectations for yourself. At this point, you will not know how you achieved from successes, just that you hope to achieve those things within 10 years from your graduation. Think of writing this essay in a similar manner to the movie "Meet the Robinsons" where the child met his future self and was amazed by how much he had achieved, without really understanding how he achieved those things. This essay is all about your vision of yourself in the future. Just be sure to paint a clear picture of where you see yourself in ten years. Explain, based upon your current understanding and opinion of yourself and your academic capacity, why you view these achievements as something important to you. That is all the essay asks you to explain. You don't need to delve into explaining how you accomplished those things. What matters the most is that in your current mindset, you did achieve those successes in life.

Undergraduate / Assigned homework; My mark was awful! I felt like crying but I held myself. [4]

Ok, I am a thoroughly confused by your essay. If the failure is the fact that you failed your tests, what did your girlfriend have to do with it? Were you in competition with her? How does the failure relate to the relationship? The essay you wrote sounds more like you are trying to finger point and lay blame upon others for your failure to function in school. This is a very weak essay because of the way that you wrote the earlier paragraphs. The best way to approach this essay is by taking the blame for your failure rather than finger pointing and blaming others. Show the admissions officer that you learned a lesson from this failure. Right now, the lesson is quite shallow and does not really resonate as well as it should with the reader. You need to emerge from this failure as a better person who learned something new about himself and applied those changes in order to create an improved version of yourself.

Undergraduate / Villanova - "one outfit completely altered my own esteem like no other" [4]

Xavier, this essay does not really provide a thought provoking lesson that would make an impression on the admissions officers reading it. You have shown that you are taking the theme of the prompt quite lightly and did not really give great thought to the best way that you can answer the essay. The lesson that you learned from that day is shallow and not life changing. There is nothing in your response that shows how this event in your life has taught you something that you believe will help you become an asset to the university community should you become a student there. Try to strive for a deeper story and lesson that will truly make a mark upon the admissions officer and have him going "I should recommend this student, he may be an asset to the community". Unfortunately, a fashion statement story, unless used for applying to a fashion school, is not really the kind of material that can work to your benefit in such a religious university.

Writing Feedback / How do you show your appreciation to your family and friends-agree or disagree [4]

When a topic asks you to agree or disagree, you don't have to necessarily choose a specific side, provided you can justify your agreement and disagreement with the topic to a certain extent. It is an essay approach that shows how you have given thought and analysis to the topic provided and offers an insight into the way that you understand and present opinions on the given topic. Like I said, there are no right or wrong ways of responding to this essay. All that matters is that the writer provided an honest opinion about the topic. The topic is not strange at all as it asks you consider the ways that people show appreciation for one another in modern times. The only opinion asked for is whether you agree that aside from physical gifts, there are other methods of presenting appreciation to family and friends. There are similar topics relating to the prompt given by the IELTS taker but I cannot accurately say that he misworded the prompt he provided. I would have to see the original writing in order to judge if the prompt presented was differently put across from what the writer understood. Your response, is alright and the grammar you used is understandable. There is a tendency for redundant words and the like in your essay but that comes with your trying to keep reminding the reader of the topic you are discussing. You should learn to word your essay in such a manner that you can put across your thoughts in a concise manner. That is something that happens with constant practice :-)

Undergraduate / VT reasons to be a Hokie [4]

Monica, the Ut Prosim reference you made is not properly placed in this essay. VT has a separate essay prompt that asks you to discuss their motto so remove that reference in this essay in order to remove the chance of redundancy of content. Try to discuss more relevant reasons for wanting to become a Hokie. Right now, your essay is quite scattered and really unfocused on specific and valid reasons for your wishing to join the VT community. Why don't you try to sit down and list 5 basic reasons that you chose to apply to VT. After you list those reasons, briefly write a sentence or two that explains the reason. I understand that you have a word limit of, I believe 150 words in response to this essay. I am confident that you can meet that word requirement with a well developed statement provided you revise the essay using the suggestions I gave you.

Scholarship / Flashing lights. Tangled bodies. Room shaking. Bass blaring. Sweet intoxication. [7]

Rather than going into such detailed career progression discussion in this essay as part of your career goals, why not just tell the admissions officer what you ultimate goal is and discuss how you plan to achieve that? There is no sense in giving a blow by blow account of your career goals because there is always an ultimate goal that you are targeting. That is what you should discuss because it directly relates to your future plans. Tie in the two within a 2 paragraph discussion which discusses each part individually and then concludes with the story about your dream club. Tell us how your education will have helped you set up this unique club. I don't advice that you discuss a set career path for yourself because you may or may not follow that pattern leading up to your ultimate goal. Don't paint yourself into a corner. Just tell the admissions officer about the ultimate goal and make sure that you fully discuss it as a part of your career plan. Your passion is clear, it just need to be focused and the topic narrowed down for easier reading by the admissions officer.

Undergraduate / The eighth and ninth years of my life were plagued with walkers, canes, and hospital visits. [2]

The story about how your father survived and your family was changed by the accident and the recovery of your father as aided by his occupational therapy is a very good hook to have started off this essay with. I feel though that you have spent too much time discussing that when you could have already moved on to discussing the other reasons that you have for wanting to enter the profession. I strongly suggest removing the parts of the essay that deal with your work experience in the field as it is a non-related essay topic. Is neither asked nor requested for so remove the reference to it. It is an unnecessary deviation from the essay prompt at this time. Your conclusion is specially strong and reiterates the reasons why you wish to pursue this profession. Once you delete the portion that I pointed out, the essay will be more than ready for you to use alongside your other documents for submission.

Undergraduate / UNIVERSITY OF WA PUBLIC HEALTH/HEALTH STUDIES TRANSFER PERSONAL STATEMENT-ADULT RETURNED TO COLLEGE [4]

Of all the reasons that you have given in your essay, there are two compelling reasons that you can use to write this essay properly. Those are your desire to prove that even this late in your life, you have the ability to complete a degree because you wish to create a better future for yourself and your family. The second reason that you can use and must highlight is the fact that you have two children who need to grow up respecting you and knowing that there is no limit to the age of a person when it comes to desiring to improving himself. Expound the most on the second reason by highlighting the fact that you wish to gain the respect of your children and be the encouragement that they need when they feel like they want to give up on college. Talk about how finishing a degree will offer you the self respect that you desire and require to be able to tell your children to stay in school and keep striving for the best that they can achieve in their academic and professional life because you did it. Discuss how that is the compelling reason that you have for wanting to enroll in university classes.

Admissions officers always look for the best and most effective reasons that could compel you to enroll in college. Normally the best reasons relate to self improvement, professional advancement, or personal reasons. In your case, you have all 3 reasons present as your compelling reasons. Be sure to fully discuss only those options. You don't need to explain the non related aspects such as your favorite classes, your family background, etc. Those are irrelevant and do not apply as answers to the question posed. Those as responses best saved for the common apps. Let your documents tell the rest of your story. There is no need to present unnecessary information in this particular essay.

Writing Feedback / How do you show your appreciation to your family and friends-agree or disagree [4]

These types of essays are a bit difficult to balance in writing because there are no right or wrong answers when it comes to this topic. In truth, you should have discussed this essay in a balanced manner. Meaning, present the positive side of giving both physical and social presents to people. The physical discussion will offer an insight into the way that physical gifts end up becoming mementos of a relationship, that helps cement a bond between people by reminding them of each other and their friendship as connoted by the gift. Then also discuss the way that emotional support is a gift that, although unseen, carries weight as well with the recipient. It may hold more weight in terms of bonding and friendship because of the emotional (rather than financial) support that it offers during a time of emotional distress. Financial gifts fall under physical, not emotional gifts and thus should not be classified as a non physical present.

Therefore, the proper way to have discussed the essay prompt would have been to offer a paragraph supporting physical presents and a paragraph discussing other manners of showing emotional support and appreciation to your friends and family.Offering another paragraph prior to the concluding one that voices the opinion that both methods of appreciation work to a certain degree depending upon the requirements of the situation.

Graduate / Letter to apply for the Masters in prestigious university like yours for the winter intake 2015 [4]

You made a mistake in the formatting of your essay. You seem to have mistaken a motivation letter for an actual letter which it is not. Rather, a motivation letter is written in essay form. It is not formatted in the same way that you would a letter. Change the overall format of your letter to make sure that it reflects an essay form.

Open the letter immediately with a statement that indicates the course you are applying to and the reason that you are interested in pursuing these studies. It is important to immediately establish your motivation for higher studies rather than presenting a long introductory statement because you need to catch the attention of the admissions officers at the soonest possible time. They need to be enticed to consider you based upon an immediate impression of yourself as a possible student at the soonest possible time. This is always established within the first 2 sentences of your introduction.

Don't give your academic biography in your motivation letter. College accomplishments and other achievements should only be read about in the supporting documents and not in the motivation letter. The motivation letter should only indicate the strongest possible reasons that you have on the academic, professional, or personal side that will indicate an imperative need for you to complete these studies.

Scholarship / "I can speak five languages" - this short statement became my biggest motivation for learning more [8]

That short statement is not really enough motivation for wanting to learn more. It is weak and does not really create a hook that will keep the admissions officer interest in reading your essay. It is not really the kind of opening statement that will immediately pull in the reader because it offers a glimpse of the discussion that is to follow. Instead of simply saying that someone who spoke 5 languages inspired you to study languages, try to connect that desire for more language learning to something more important that is not somewhat self serving / selfish in nature. I suggest that you discuss your interest in languages in relation to your career as an international lawyer. Explaining how being a linguist is vital for your career progression and will assist you in dealing with the multilingual roster of clients that you are sure to have to defend or prosecute in the future. Consider this essay as more than just a run down of your academic background. That does not really offer any explanation as to how this type of study will benefit you in the future. So concentrate on looking forward and the objectives that you hope to achieve career wise once you have completed the course.

Undergraduate / "Earth to Nicole! Are you there?" - My love and appreciation for music [2]

Okay, when the essay asks you to consider something that you perceive goes unnoticed, what that means is that you should choose something about yourself, it could be a character, trait, or habit, that you feel other people do not notice you constantly do or participate in. I do not believe that love and appreciation for music fills in the requirements for the prompt because people around you actually notice this trait of yours and , as you mentioned in the end of your essay, they finger point while looking at you. Unnoticed by definition means "not perceived or observed". In the context of this essay, you should choose a trait or habit or character of yours that you notice or know that you actually always do but that other people do not consider or observe about you. Try to choose a topic different from music appreciation. It could be anything from a hidden habit like biting your nails, or even an activity like volunteering at a soup kitchen. Choose something that other people would take for granted with you because while they know that you participate in it, they do not really know why it is important for you to be doing it.