Undergraduate / My desire for success made a significant impact to my grade [4]

You have presented two under developed ideas in your essay. Neither of which truly poses a significant challenge to you personally but can be spun in such a manner. You can do this by concentrating on only one instead of two situations. I would like to suggest that you concentrate on your problem with English instead of the choice of universities and not really having a college major in mind yet. The reason I suggest the English scenario is because you spent most of the essay discussing how it affected you, the way you overcame it, and how you learned lessons from the challenge. Those are the key points that you needed to answer in the essay and you successfully provided those in the English challenge scenario. All you have to do now is revise the first part to instead reflect the development of the challenge that English posed before you in school.

As for the second essay prompt, some theme ideas you can consider include racial discrimination, religious questions, bullying, gender issues, racial profiling, and the like. Try to discuss something for that essay in a separate thread so we can let you know if you are on the right track with it :-) Maybe we can offer better ideas for your theme after that as well.

Scholarship / "I can speak five languages" - this short statement became my biggest motivation for learning more [8]

This is an excellent revision, but it can still use some work. I hope you won't mind some additional advice coming from me. I feel that since you are looking at a future in International Law, your essay should present some information about the ultimate goal of most international lawyers. That is, to work for the international Court of Justice. Working at those hallowed halls of justice truly calls upon a need to speak at least 4 languages fluently. I know this might sound cheesy but you can refer to Amal Alamoudin Clooney's biography as a lawyer as inspiration for your personal statement. Keep in mind that you already have Chinese and English as part of your language arsenal. Look into the countries that have the most represented cases in the court of justice and use those as a part of your statement. Explain that you have a desire to be a lawyer who connects on an emotional level with your foreign language client and the only way to achieve that is by speaking their language. Present situations wherein the needs for multilingual support in the IOJ will be not only handy, but required when prosecuting or defending your cases. Create a personal connection between your desire to learn new languages and its connection with your career objectives.

Undergraduate / Man's tears. From earliest childhood, I had always tried not to show tears in front of people. [6]

Read the essay prompt again, The key phrase in it is


. The connotation being that it is an activity or trait that comes normally to you for some reasons but is something that others may not immediately notice. For example, you may find it natural to be very charitable to the elderly members of your community because they remind you of your grandparents. Now, that is something that is not normally done by most people so while you are doing it without thinking twice, others in the community have noticed what you are doing and have often wondered why you would be doing such things. That is what the essay is asking you to write about. Something that you do not notice you are doing, hence should also be unnoticed by other people. Yet, as it turns out, they actually notice. You think others do not notice it but they actually do. So tell us why it is important to you. It may be second nature to you but not to others so tell them why it is of importance to you to be participating in such activities or displaying such traits. Do people really notice that you cry alone in your room? Have they asked you about it? If they do, then your essay response is on the right track. If not, then you need to consider revising your response. Whatever your decision is best. After all, this is your essay :-) I am just here to present an outsider's opinion and give advice where I think it is needed.

Research Papers / Research paper on any event or invention that has happened outside of the United States; Atomic Bomb [2]

What is the writing format for your research paper? Will it be in MLA, APA, Chicago, Turabian, or Harvard (to name but a few research formats) ? You will have to follow specific paper format, outline, heading, and citation formats depending upon the research type you will be using. Your professor should provide you with the format and then you can scour the web for the numerous examples that you can follow. Just type in the paper format you need to use for your own paper into Google and find the example that best suits the requirements you have been given.

As for your thesis statement, that will depend upon whether you have read the research material you have collated or not. You see, as you read the material you have on hand, there will be some questions about the event that will come to your mind. One of which will eventually stand out the most for you, and will be the one you will want to find an answer to the most. That is the one question that you will then develop into a thesis statement for yourself. Now, this is of the utmost importance, make sure that you have enough research material to present a thoroughly developed response to the prompt you will be providing. In other words, make sure you can at least deliver a personal opinion / hypothetical response to your own question. Once you get your format, sources, topic outline, and thesis finalized, you will be well on your way towards developing your research paper :-)

Writing Feedback / In my view staying with the family for a longer time is better. [6]

Are you writing this essay for a TOEFL practice test? If you are, then you need to follow the correct writing format that dictates that a restated prompt, overview of the discussion, and your personal opinion be stated completely in the introductory paragraph. Your line of reasoning in the essay is also shallow and weak. The best way to have approached this kind of essay is by writing it in a compare and contrast method. Using that particular style of writing would have added strength to your personal point of view and give you a position of leverage when presenting the positive aspect of your opinion. Your conclusion does not follow the correct format for the essay either. There is no restate prompt, summary of facts, and reiteration of your opinion. Try to refrain from starting your sentence with "Because" since that is a violation of sentence structure and grammar rules. Your essay leaves a lot to be desired in terms of properly addressing the prompt. My opinion is that you should revise it in a manner that will make it smoother to read and contain a stronger conviction to help convince the reader that your opinion is the right one.

Undergraduate / Man's tears. From earliest childhood, I had always tried not to show tears in front of people. [6]

Crying in your room, alone, without the benefit of other people seeing it does not classify as a proper answer for this essay. You should be writing about something that is at the very least, virtuous in the observation of other people. Normally, it is an activity that you participate in that is charitable or socio-civic in nature that you do on a regular basis. It is a selfless act that you take for granted but over time, came to realize that people actually did notice this trait of yours without understanding why you do it. That is the theme of this essay prompt. Find something you do that other people seem to disregard about you, but eventually, it comes to their attention. Then explain to the reader / admissions officer why they finally notice this about you. In this clarification, you can explain why this activity or trait is of importance to you and how other people perceive you after you have explained to them why you have an urge to do such things.

Writing Feedback / I believe that there is no job or major or expert which is regarded as the best in society [2]

You have an incomplete introductory statement. Remember, you need to present the topic thesis, possible opinions, and your opinion at the very end. The structure of your first paragraph is therefore incomplete as not all of these elements exist in it. You are being asked to immediately show your agreement or disagreement in the statement by presenting your opinion as part of the introductory statement. Revise the first paragraph to reflect this.

Quite a number of grammatical errors exist in your essay that can and will be corrected as you revise the content. You have not really presented a balanced discussion in your essay. If this is for the TOEFL test then you should practice writing an essay in a 4-5 paragraph format with a minimum of 250 words comprised of 3-5 sentences minimum per paragraph. Your paragraphs should be broken down into the following sections:

1. Introduction - thesis statement, overview of discussion, your opinion
2. Body 1 - Supporting opinion
3. Body 2 - Opposing opinion
4. Body 3 - Your point of view
5. Conclusion - Restated prompt, summary of discussion, repetition of your point of view

Fix the format and content of your essay first. Finalize what you want to say and then we can work on revising the grammatical and sentence structure problems.

Writing Feedback / What ways do you suggest to make ads effective? What are their good and bad effects on the society? [11]

In advertising, the term "effective ad" means both improved marketing and consumer reception. The better they market the product, the more well received the advertisement will be. As such, the advertisement will either have a highly positive or highly negative influence upon society. Google examples of negatively received advertisements and you should come up with some pretty good examples as to how advertising can have a negative impact upon society.

It is precisely because of the vast field covered by the essay prompt that I told you that this essay sounds more like a research paper than an IELTS test. I would even go so far as to say that I would have expected this type of question to come up in a GRE practice test. That is why you should expect this essay to instead be researched and developed from an academic, rather than a personal point of view. It is simply impossible to justify the opinions presented in the essay without at least a simple Google search being performed about the prompts.

Writing Feedback / Socialization process. Who influences you more? Peers or parents and teachers? [10]

I'd score you an 8 in this essay. Mostly because of the existence of redundancies and yes, even if sociologists use the term socialization process, you as the writer, must learn to read and realize when a redundancy will and does exist in the sentence / paragraph and be able to correct it in order to make the essay readable in a grammatical sense. That is a part of the skill that one develops in advanced English writing. If you want to use the sociologist term and still avoid redundancies then pull out a synonym list, look up process and use an equivalent word such as "method" in place of "process". That way you eliminate the possibility that the reader will develop what is known as "reader fatigue" from the use of repeated terms. Your lexical sources should include a dictionary for the meaning of the word and a synonym and antonym book / website in order to help you learn more English words, its proper usage, and expand your English vocabulary as well.

Undergraduate / How a trillion cells function every day, every minute, every second to keep me alive? NUS essay [4]

Okay, you need to go back to the drawing board for this essay. It is confusing and lacks direction. There is no real personal experience, talent, or involvement in an activity that is relevant to the course major you are hoping to attend at the university. I suggest that you concentrate on one topic and build your interest in science upon that. The story about your getting Chicken Pox feels like an excellent hook for your revised essay as it spells out the foundation for your interest in medical science. I assume that you are enrolling in biology, nursing, or pre-med due to the slant of your essay. So find a personal experience or activity that will build up the foundation of that interest. Concentrate on telling a story that is relevant to the foundation of your interest in your chosen major. That is what the prompt is asking you to write about and what you should provide. Right now, your essay is just throwing around possible ideas that you can opt to discuss in your essay. None of which can actually be usable unless you concentrate on properly developing it to adhere to the essay prompt.

Writing Feedback / Socialization process. Who influences you more? Peers or parents and teachers? [10]

Socialization is already known as a process therefore, to say


is a redundancy. Rather than saying


use the term "youngsters" instead as that term encompasses the under-aged members of society in general. Your paragraph about the teachers is also just one long redundant paragraph. Try to rephrase the topic being discussed in such a manner that you offer more than just the example of teachers as role models. Perhaps explain how they are seen a 2nd parents and advisers by the students, who seek their opinion as a 2nd opinion depending upon what their parents say and do in their observation. Your statement about family culture and tradition is quite short and looks under developed. So you need to beef up that statement. One way of doing that is by using your personal experience as a solid example of the way teachers and parents have positively influenced your life, discussing in a very light manner the kind of positive or negative influence that your peers / friends have upon you as well.

Writing Feedback / What ways do you suggest to make ads effective? What are their good and bad effects on the society? [11]

Rather than saying


, you could instead opt to say "... on society. This paper will look deeper into the issues that make advertising effective in positive and negative manners upon society." That way you can combine the two prompts into one discussion and offer a complete overview of the topics that are to follow without having to be too wordy. Don't forget to clarify your point of view in the introduction. Do you agree or disagree that advertising is good or bad for society?

Never say


. For one thing, you do not have a formal source for the information you previously stated, for another thing, it is not an effective transitory sentence. Instead begin the paragraph with


Your concluding paragraph is not a conclusion. It offers new information and thus, is a stand alone additional paragraph. I never read any portion in the essay that clearly states what you believe in about the prompt either. Clarify that portion. Your voice and opinion need to be clearer in this essay. It is a requirement because the prompt specifically asks you to agree or disagree with the the options provided in the prompt.

Writing Feedback / What ways do you suggest to make ads effective? What are their good and bad effects on the society? [11]

Something like that.The effectiveness of your essay lies in the way that you combine the two separate topics for discussion into one interesting thesis prompt. The topic that you have selected for your IELTS practice test is far more than a regular test topic. It actually requires some research and the use of transition sentences or paragraphs within the essay itself in order to discuss the topic properly. The discussion should be in two parts. The first part will be the discussion about what makes advertisements effective, then, towards the concluding paragraph, you can begin to discuss how this effectiveness has brought good and bad effects upon our society, closing the discussion with a statement that while ads do have good and bad effects, it is something that our society cannot do without for specific reasons.

Graduate / The sparks of innovation all start with the way we experience and perceive the world surround us. [4]

You have a very strong academic background regarding Digital Media. It seems that the strength of your application lies in your theoretical approach to the work to be done. These are excellent factors that strengthen the perception that you fully understand what the course of study demands and should result in upon completion. However, not all of the theoretical background that you have can enhance your application in the best possible way. An admissions officer will look into your professional background in order to get a better understanding of the actual and practical knowledge that you possess regarding the use of Digital Media. I do not see any professional experience, or even internships mentioned that could give the admissions officer an insight into that area of your expertise. The practical side, the seminars you attended, and the career path that you have set out for yourself in terms of advancement are all integral factors that must be found in your essay. These details carry far more weight in the consideration of your application than the previous college learning that you have completed. As a masters degree candidate, you need to show that you are able to handle work and study, merge theoretical with practical, and develop a new concept regarding the use of Digital Media in the future. You need to show a definite future career path, possibly explaining your own concept of how to use better use Digital Media in the future in order to stir interest in your application. Right now, your application is only full of theoretical knowledge and assumptions. You need solid plans, ideas, and career paths to define the reason, purpose, goal, and final objective of your desire to attend higher studies.

Scholarship / Flashing lights. Tangled bodies. Room shaking. Bass blaring. Sweet intoxication. [7]

The tone of voice that your future plans essay must have is one of self-confidence and a conviction that your goals and future plans will not fail. We are talking about your dream career and life in this essay. You need to come across as self-assured and unwavering in your beliefs in order to pull off this kind of essay. There is no room for Plan B because the essay specifically asks you to describe your future career goals and plans. All of which require a Plan A type of setting. That is why there is a limitation on the word count. As a college student, you are going after your great dreams for your personal and career success. Nothing should deter you from that. That is the sole focus of the essay. Don't let your self doubt allow the admissions officer to question if you have what it takes to complete the course. Determination is the key factor that should be the driving force behind your essay. Right now, your current version embodies all of these requirements. Save for some grammatical and sentence structure issues that need to be corrected, the overall essay is ready for use in my opinion.

Undergraduate / I survived a storm (CommonApp Essay about self transformation - prompt #5) [5]

I'd be glad to help you with the editing once the final content of the paper is done. Please refer to the suggestions I made regarding the way the paper was written and how it can be improved. Apply the necessary changes and then post the new version here so that we can edit it. What I would like to do is strengthen the paper and clarify some points that seem weak in the essay before the editing of the grammatical and sentence structure errors are done. I basically asked you to strengthen the lessons that you learned from the death of your mother and explain how the loss of your mother helped you develop a more mature mindset and realize that you needed to take more responsibility for yourself and your family. By doing so, the transition discussion in the essay will be completed. Applying the changes will strengthen the paper and make it ready for final editing.

Writing Feedback / What ways do you suggest to make ads effective? What are their good and bad effects on the society? [11]

Since the essay is asked to discuss two related topics, it would have been in the best interest of your paper to have use transition paragraphs instead of trying to cover both topics for discussion in the introductory statement. While the rule of thumb is that we need to rephrase the prompts at the very start, this essay should have been treated more as a research paper rather than a common essay discussion. Starting off with one topic, perhaps the


would have made an excellent jumping off point that would have allowed you to show a glimpse into the final part of the paper regarding the good and bad effects of advertising. That way when you finally get into the second part of the discussion, you could have presented the paper in a more developed and analytical manner. Like I said, this paper needed to be handled in two parts as one essay rather than having mini-discussions about each topic in order to have given a more effective and sound paper.

Undergraduate / A prestigious education is at the heart of all goals I would like to pursue in life. USC Application [2]

I was able to edit your essay down to 166 words. I hope this version works for you. I removed the wordiness and redundancies that were in the original version :-)

A prestigious education is at the heart of all goals I would like to pursue in life. Starting with a pre-pharmaceutical undergraduate degree I will be able to enhance my aspirations in the health field.Through this college, my first choice major would be Biological Sciences followed by Chemistry. By engaging in the Trojan Admission Pre-Pharmacy Program, I will draw myself to a community of scholars who have the same goals and aspirations and will provide me with the motivation to further pursue my dreams. At USC, I hope to familiarize myself with medical knowledge, so in the future I can help solve issues in health care. USC offers one of the most diverse and largest student bodies in the country. I cannot imagine a better combination to prepare me for pre-pharmaceutical studies and subsequently acceptance to pharmacy school, and being exposed to such a diversified study body that represent the world population is an immense advantage that makes a person one step closer to changing it.

Undergraduate / I survived a storm (CommonApp Essay about self transformation - prompt #5) [5]

While the essay needs to be edited fro grammar, redundancy, and tightened for content, I can safely tell you that the paper you developed safely falls under the "transition from child to adulthood". It shows a life altering event that definitely would force you to take on more responsibility for yourself and your family, and learn how to handle serious situations that children should not have to face at such a tender age. I feel that you need to highlight the sense of responsibility that you developed over time because of the household and school duties that you had to be responsible for, since there was no mother to help you out. Highlight the lessons that you learned as you faced failures and difficulties in order to give more supporting details to your claim towards the end that these experiences not only helped you learn about responsibility, but also helped you to become the better person that you are today.

Undergraduate / USC Supplements. From skinny boy to Badminton Varsity Team [4]

You first have to consider if you enjoyed being the treasurer of the Badminton club. If you did, then surely there are activities that you did as the treasurer that left an impression on you and helped you discover a different side to your personality or sense of responsibility. Why not discuss it along those lines? Explain how your responsibility as the treasurer helped you discover who you are and hence, you learned that being financially responsible is important to you. Maybe there was a tournament that you had to raise funds for in order to participate, or you had to balance the finances in order to purchase some important equipment for the team? Those are some situations that can actually play into the expectations of the prompt. You need to show how being a treasurer made you highly involved in the club activities and that you learned many life lessons in the performance of your duties.

Undergraduate / A Business Venture; With an industrious nature, I have been met with great success - USC Writing [7]

The essay is alright if you are planning to use it for a different common app prompt. Perhaps one relating to a personal statement or what inspired you to pursue this line of study, maybe even explaining how you developed an interest in it. For this particular prompt though, it is not going to work. Try to come up with a totally new essay. One that actually has an extra curricular activity that could apply to the prompt expectations. Remember, if your first few sentences tells the admission officer that the essay is not aligned with the prompt, he is not going to finish reading it.

Undergraduate / A Business Venture; With an industrious nature, I have been met with great success - USC Writing [7]

Your response does not really answer the prompt. While it is nice to get an insight into your idealistic point of view, the prompt is asking you to share an extra curricular activity that has helped you learn about the world, made you interested in a undertaking, or perhaps, helped you develop a character trait that you did not have before. Participating in online forums does not really provide that kind of insight into your personality or learning influences. Try to come up with something more solid. An activity that taught you a skill, helped you develop a mindset, or developed a trait within you will work best in response to this prompt. Volunteer activities, sports, and even part time jobs could help you better respond to this prompt.

Undergraduate / Helping others is as my second nature - UT Austin Upper Division Nursing Class Application Essay [3]

I would have opened the essay with "Nursing is my life" in order to create a hook for the admissions officer. It will get him to think about why you would make such a statement and encourage further reading of your essay. Your current opening statement is too bland and does not really offer an insight into nursing as a career for you. Rather it shows a humanitarian side which, although a part of the call for a nurse, does not really translate into a compelling reason for pursuing this career. Your essay will best pick up from the point where you stated what happened when you were 14 years old as it shows the early foundation of your nursing career and directly ties in with your humanitarian side in relation to your desire to pursue nursing as a career. While your essay is highly informative, it is so filled with words that it becomes hard to read and truthfully, become boring after a time. You need to compress your paragraphs and shorten the content to reflect straightforward answers to the prompt requirements. Rather than presenting your future goals per paragraph, just write one collective paragraph that will deal with it. After all, your ambition for one, applies to all aspects of your nursing career.

Undergraduate / To me, Lafayette is an "oddly sentimental" college, sensitive enough to know what I am looking for. [4]

You are writing essay drafts at this point so you should not consider the word limit yet. It is always in the best interest of your essay to have you write the longest possible version for it as your first draft. In that version, say everything that you need to. Don't miss out on the important parts. Then set it aside for a few hours or a day. Come back and read it. Decide which parts may be redundant or unnecessary to the essay. Mark those portions and revise the essay accordingly. Set it aside again. Give it another few hours then read it again. Decide which portions you can compress into the same paragraphs and combine them in the next version. The essay should be closer to the 200 word limit by this time. Finally, set it aside one more time and review it. Do the same process. Delete or combine as you go along and you will end up with a well written and informative 200 word essay :-)

Undergraduate / To me, Lafayette is an "oddly sentimental" college, sensitive enough to know what I am looking for. [4]

What is the word limit on your essay? Your paragraphs are too short and under developed. It does not really help paint a clear idea as to why you chose to apply to Lafayette. You should consider 3 aspects when discussing your choice of university:

1. The major you chose to enroll in and why Lafayette is the only university that can properly address your ideas for the proper education that one should have when striving to complete this major;

2. The possible support programs, internships, mentor programs, etc. that the university offers that can help you better equip yourself for a future in this field;

3. The student community and the diversity that exists. This is of particular importance for foreign students such as yourself who may need some help in adjusting to the new culture and academic lifestyle.

Develop these ideas for your essay and you will come to realize that you actually came up with some pretty good, or near perfect answers to the question "Why Lafayette?" :-)

Undergraduate / USC Supplements. From skinny boy to Badminton Varsity Team [4]

The essay prompt is requesting that you discuss the character traits and other aspects of your personality that have been enhanced by your participation in particular extra curricular activities. In your case, the essay should concentrate not only on the physical development of your personality, but also the other aspects of a badminton player that the activity helped developed. If you feel that it helped you develop your management skills, sense of team work and cooperation (when playing doubles), and the like, then go ahead and discuss those as well. Just make sure to make connections between the physical, mental, and social aspects that developed for you as a participant. You need to show that this particular activity helped you become an active and involved member of the community. If you had to do some charity work, volunteer activities, etc. as a member of the team, highlight those activities as well.

Undergraduate / Athletic Training and sport medicine aspects and personal expierence [2]

Let's concentrate on the first part of the essay. Your introduction at this point needs to be edited for clarity. I really sense that you were confused about what course you wanted to take in college prior to the Athletic Training course you took. Let us try to create a more focused persona for you in the eyes of the admissions officer by making it sound like you have always wanted to go into Athletic Training and Sports Medicine as a career. An admissions officer is always impressed once he reads and essay and early on establishes that the applicant has a definite career path set out for him or herself from the get-go. I would like to see that in your essay as well.

About the Ms. Bunch person, establish her character early on in the essay as positive influence who further persuaded you that you are on the right career path. That way her entrance and the subsequent encounters that you had with her in the narrative does not come across as abrupt. You have a number of experiences related to the major that you wish to pursue. I suggest that you limit it to the singular, most important experience that could serve as the basis for convincing you that you will be a success in this career. That would have more impact than 4 stories of experiences at various levels of participation. What we are looking for here is your moment of epiphany.

Overall, the essay just needs tweaking and some editing but it is a pretty solid piece of writing and can actually work well with regards to enhancing your application.

Undergraduate / UNIVERSITY OF WA PUBLIC HEALTH/HEALTH STUDIES TRANSFER PERSONAL STATEMENT-ADULT RETURNED TO COLLEGE [4]

The keyword here is personal history and educational history / goals. What you should be thinking about are two parts. The first being how your personal history played a part in your dropping out of high school and then for the second part, the role it played in getting you back to school. We are all just average students. What makes each of us special is the culture and tradition on our family part that makes our educational goals and ambitions worth the trek. Talk about family members who may have inspired you to go back to school and get your GED when you had already thought your life was over after dropping out. Look for the important people who can serve as an inspiring part of your cultural background. Once you realize what it is about your personal background that has helped you get to this point in your personal and educational life, you will have developed an essay that is uniquely all about you :-)

Undergraduate / VT reasons to be a Hokie [4]

Definitely write another essay for the UT Prosim prompt. That is a common app for VT that is of huge importance to the application process. Which is the main reason that is was given a separate essay. You need to thoroughly address the way that you understand the motto and how you embody it rather than making it a mere mention in an essay that begs for other reasons as to why you wish to become a Hokie. Remember, you need to write about 5 specific reasons that you look forward to joining VT. These reasons could be based upon academics, extra curricular activities, the student community, study programs, etc. Make sure that you clearly state the reasons so that 5 reasons will and can actually be counted when your essay is reviewed and read.

Undergraduate / "Don't Forget The Lyrics" (A Cheesy Common App Essay About A Bad Audition - Prompt #2) [5]

The first essay has some grammatical errors and transitory sentence problems but can still be considered a better start to the previous version. While I still feel that you should explain why you have been going on auditions, I feel that the essay at least offers a better glimpse into your mindset at the time. That part however, still needs to be developed in its succeeding paragraphs. Don't use this essay for the current prompt. Save it perhaps for a central identity or free topic prompt. It is a topic that seems to explain who you are and how you became that person rather than a lesson learned.

Your second essay holds more potential towards properly answering the prompt at this point. It contains the back story, the catalyst for the event, and a glimpse into a lesson that can be learned from what happened. You need to develop it further and allow your character development to show. Make sure that there truly is a lesson to be learned from this failure though and that you present it in a manner that will prove to be character building more than anything else.

Good luck with both essays. I am looking forward to reading both versions when you are finally done with them. By the way, don't forget to post them as separate threads. That way the MOD's won't have to delete the second essay in the thread that you started :-)

Scholarship / Flashing lights. Tangled bodies. Room shaking. Bass blaring. Sweet intoxication. [7]

Once you try to discuss more than one topic pertaining to the central theme of the paper, expect the paper to not only get confusing, but also deviate from the prompt. Your current essay is right on the mark in terms of discussing your career / ultimate goal. Don't muddle the issue by offering information that is not necessary to the further development of the essay. That said, I really believe that the essay will lose further focus if you introduce your studying abroad. With regards to your personal and educational goals however, it just might work to tie in with your career goal. I guess I will have to read how you plan to approach integrating that topic into your essay before I can accurately judge whether its addition will help or damage your essay. Try to write that into your next version of the essay and I will review it for you. I'll give you an honest opinion about how it blended with the essay.

Writing Feedback / A large portion of country's budget should be diverted to health and preventive measures. [2]

Alleb, when you write an introductory statement, make sure to present the prompt in the first sentence by rephrasing it. An effective introduction offers a complete overview of the topic to be discussed, the supporting and opposing arguments, and finally, your personal opinion on the matter that will be discussed in the essay.

Your arguments are riddled with grammatical problems that render the sentences difficult to read and lessens the impact of your comments. Your reasoning is also weak and too common sense in approach. You need to present deeper reasons on the pro and con sides which you can develop within a paragraph each. Discussing the essay that way will make it balanced and allow you to better develop your discussion ideas. Right now, it sounds like you are just throwing around your ideas without really considering the best method of presenting the information you wish to share with the reader.

When it comes to your personal opinion, It is almost non-existent. You cannot present a personal opinion at the end of the essay as that is against formal writing rules. You need to make sure that your personal opinion is placed as the 3rd paragraph of your essay. Doing so will ensure that the conclusion will contain a summary of the discussion and facts, a restatement of the prompt, and finally, your reworded personal opinion as a reiteration of your stance.

Undergraduate / Being a native born Salvadorian has automatically injected diversity into my being [2]

Monica, my opinion is that you should go withe the second essay. The one that discusses diversity and offers a glimpse into your world of two traditions, one family. It shows the extent of the influence that diversity has had on your development as a person. As such, it much more strongly responds to the prompt than the first one that you developed as an answer for a different prompt. I would like to advice you though to add another touch to your diversity profile by showing the admissions officer exactly how your diverse culture has helped you socially. Making you a very interesting person to interact with. Show the ways and means by which you manage to influence your friends through your diverse background and how you have unknowingly helped to not only spread diversity, but also understanding among people of highly different cultures. The addition of that information should further strengthen your essay and drive the point home about diversity and its influence upon you.

Graduate / 'Microsoft's Xwatch'; What are your career goals, why an MBA and why Georgia Tech? MBA essay [2]

While your essay is presented in an interesting manner, it kind of needs work when it comes to the professional experience. Don't you have any actual work experience to fall back on to refer to in the essay? While your academic MUN experience is notable, it would be in your best interest to present some sort of professional experience to back up your application. Remember that a statement of purpose is supposed to present your work experience in a more notable manner than your academic experience. A masters course after all, asks that you have some professional experience to call upon while working on your classes. Without the professional experience that connects to your masters course, it may be difficult for the admissions officer to truly judge if you have the capacity to handle the demands and complete the masters study. I realize that you are trying to present yourself in the most impressive light, it is only dimmed by the lack of professional experience on your part. Try to mention something, even an actual internship that might be able to provide an insight into how successful you may actually be in the real world workplace. That is the only part of the prompt that you have failed to respond to properly.

Undergraduate / Unforgeteful Driving Experience - similar with an episode of spongebob squarepants [2]

The essay lacks a proper reflection upon the way the driving tests affected you. There is a disconnection in the way that the essay is written in the sense that there is no portion that proves the importance of this test to you and highlights the disappointment that you felt and why you would feel that way. Perhaps it is because of the tremendous number of grammatical errors in the narrative that caused this lack of emotional connection. Even the lesson that you learned is portrayed in a light mannered manner. Almost as if it did not matter if you failed the test twice or not. There is no clear explanation as to how that adage from your parents applied to your situation. You also need to clarify that you eventually passed the test thanks to the lessons that you learned from your previous failure. Basically, what your essay lacks it a character or trait build up that stems from the double failure. You need to show your growth as a person and the development of a logical side to you that did not exist before and probably would not have existed had you not experienced this failure.

Speeches / English language status in your country and note making for students good academics performance [2]

In your first response, open with the fact that English is the adopted language of your country and as such, has made it the default language of the business community. An explanation of the history of the English language in your country, a brief explanation, would also help establish the historical reasons as to why English is a popular language in your country. Close the statement by reiterating that English is the global business language so it is only follows that your country would push for the same in their own business community. That will close the deal regarding the popularity of English in your country. The second response, has a number of grammatical errors that need to be corrected but works because the reasons that you gave for the importance of note taking by students truly holds water. So work on improving your second statement response. Revising the method by which you present your answer should help you clean up the grammar problems that currently exist. The first one works well already.

Undergraduate / I crave to pop this suburban bubble, leave my familiar environment, and experience change [2]

Okay. The essay does not really offer the answer that prompt requires. Have you given any thought to further expanding the discussion about the experiences and lessons that you learned in Nicaragua in order to help portray the ways that you hope to help enrich the university community? That would have been the most proper response to the essay. Truth be told, the essay lost focus after you mentioned that you looked forward to sharing those experiences with the UCB community. Try to expand upon that statement by offering clear ideas about how you plan to share that experience in a learning way with your peers. The rest of your essay after that Nicaragua prompt just does not fall within the prompt requirements so you can delete those parts and revise the latter portion of the paper totally. That is the only way to best present your response to the prompt based upon the requirements provided.

Undergraduate / This essay is to know you as an individual, independent of test scores and other objective data. [3]

Cristina, I am not really sure what you hope to accomplish with all the name dropping that you are doing within this essay. You need only present an overview of your family culture and history, not provide their autobiography, in relation to their influence in your life. That said, you need to refocus the essay on the influence your family has had on your development as a person instead of offering half of the essay in tribute to their trials and tribulations in life. You also need to revise the part that explains why you chose to attend UCF. Unless your cousin is a noted graduate of the institution, there is really no need for you to mention his name and his completed degree. Doing that makes it sound like you are trying to unduly influence the admissions officer into admitting you into the university. Are you trying to point out that you are a legacy student of the university? I which case, it should be either your mother, father, brother, or sister who attended, and you need not mention them by name because their relation to you will have preceded your essay. Rather than discussing your cousin, discuss instead the academic and social community of the school as the main reasons that you have chosen to seek admission to the university. That will work better rather than using the experience of someone else who graduated from the university as your reason for applying.

Scholarship / Scholarship essay about where I would see myself in future if I had the chance to time travel [2]

Sami, you need to discuss this essay from the point of view of wishing to discover who or what you will be in the next ten years. Don't tell the story from the point of how you achieved the status you hope to have by that time. Instead, discuss it in a manner that shows your career and personal expectations for yourself. At this point, you will not know how you achieved from successes, just that you hope to achieve those things within 10 years from your graduation. Think of writing this essay in a similar manner to the movie "Meet the Robinsons" where the child met his future self and was amazed by how much he had achieved, without really understanding how he achieved those things. This essay is all about your vision of yourself in the future. Just be sure to paint a clear picture of where you see yourself in ten years. Explain, based upon your current understanding and opinion of yourself and your academic capacity, why you view these achievements as something important to you. That is all the essay asks you to explain. You don't need to delve into explaining how you accomplished those things. What matters the most is that in your current mindset, you did achieve those successes in life.

Undergraduate / Assigned homework; My mark was awful! I felt like crying but I held myself. [4]

Ok, I am a thoroughly confused by your essay. If the failure is the fact that you failed your tests, what did your girlfriend have to do with it? Were you in competition with her? How does the failure relate to the relationship? The essay you wrote sounds more like you are trying to finger point and lay blame upon others for your failure to function in school. This is a very weak essay because of the way that you wrote the earlier paragraphs. The best way to approach this essay is by taking the blame for your failure rather than finger pointing and blaming others. Show the admissions officer that you learned a lesson from this failure. Right now, the lesson is quite shallow and does not really resonate as well as it should with the reader. You need to emerge from this failure as a better person who learned something new about himself and applied those changes in order to create an improved version of yourself.