Undergraduate / I was born into a global and diverse life - What can NYU offer you? [3]

We don't need to learn about your biographical background in this statement. Just stick to the topic provided and deliver the best response that you can. Your essay currently wastes a lot of word count in describing the circumstances of your birth, which is not at all necessary in this discussion. Better develop the reasons why you chose to study at NYU. Don't confuse the city with the university. Talk about the university and its offerings. The city, is a backdrop and is irrelevant to the offerings of the university and how the university can help you academically and socially. You also need to clarify what you, as a person and as a student can bring to the university that will help enliven its academic and social landscape.

Undergraduate / "I would found an institution where any person can find instruction in any study." Cornell's College [5]

Try to divide your topics into paragraphs to make the essay easier to read and offer the reader a pause between topics. That is necessary so that the information you provide can be better analyzed and understood by the human brain. You have written very creative sentences which, I am sure, once divided into paragraphs will prove to be under developed. Make sure to fully develop each field of interest and clearly explain why the intellectual interest excites you. Right now, I read snippets of the information necessary to develop that per field. Try to write at least 5 sentences for each topic so that you can better explain your interest in the field. It is important that you transfer your excitement to the reader in order to make it more effective an applicable to the prompt requirements.

Graduate / Working in an Autism Day Treatment room with preschoolers has given me further experience [2]

Kim, your personal statement tends to rehash information that the admissions officer can get from reading the other documents and common app essays that you will be submitting along with this paper for their consideration. I believe that your personal statement would benefit from a revision by discussing an aspect of your desire to become a highly educated speech pathologist that is not covered by other common app prompts and documents. You need to provide only relevant information in a personal statement that highlights the following:

1. The personal reasons that you chose to pursue this career and the reasons behind your choice of masters studies.
2. Your reasons for choosing to pursue these studies at this particular institution.
3. Your personal interests in the field and specific research your wish to participate in.
4. Proof of your ability to excel in this field based upon previous leadership success or skills displayed. You can retain the story about Autism Day, just make it shorter and direct to the point. An additional touch that will make this portion more personal is an anecdote about a child who particularly touched you and motivated you during Autism Day.

5. What you hope to personally achieve in terms of self fulfillment once you complete the course.

Everything about the essay needs to resonate with your personal goals, motivations, or objectives in life. By creating a personal connection between yourself and the field of study, you will be able to strengthen your personal statement.

Graduate / I am fully committed to a career in automotive sector. Masters Automotive Engineering Letter [3]

Your letter lacks a paragraph that explains your current professional experience, length of that experience and how that experience has motivated you to pursue higher studies in the field of Automotive Engineering. Limit the reference to your ranking in exams Your accomplishments during college will not impress the admissions officers reading this paper because a masters degree relies mostly on the professional experience that you have gained over the past year and a half or so of your career. The motivation for higher studies stems from wanting to improve upon this experience and open yourself up to new opportunities that come with it. The concentration of your letter should be on highlighting those factors and should rely less on your college experience. In particular, I would like you mention any relevant seminars that you have recently attended. While you should keep the mention of the college seminars you attended, adding some current training sessions you have undergone will add weight to your application.

The letter you wrote is quite informative and relevant towards the purpose of your letter. I am confident that once you apply the suggestions I made above, the letter will be ready for submission along with your other pertinent documents.

Graduate / I belong to an educated family related to medicine field. Applying for Master's of Computer Science [2]

Jorden, a motivation letter need not be formatted as a formal letter so you can dispense with the formalities in your opening and closing statement. Also your letter reads more like a resume listing everything about your academic life. That is not really necessary in a motivation letter. Instead, tell the reader more about what you are like outside of your academic pursuits. This becomes very long to read at this point, try to be direct to the point instead. Your letter really needs to be revised in order to make it more effective. Let me offer you some insight as to how you can effectively write a more effective motivational letter.

1. Talk about yourself in the letter. Try to discuss more than just your academic side by relating what you do outside of school. These interests and hobbies will show the kind of personality you have and the kind of student that you will be.

2. What is your motivation for pursuing this course of study? Why this particular course? What attracted you to pursue this line of education?

3. What made you choose this particular university to study at? Was it the city the school is located in? The university curriculum? The student life? These are the kinds of information that tell the reader you are really interested in becoming a part of their community. Remember to present an international point of view in this aspect and how it relates to your future plans.

4. Just like other university applications, tell us what you have to offer the university in terms of your academic and social skills. It is important to let the reader know how you will enliven the student and academic community.

5. Finally, tell the reader the kind of knowledge that you have about the major you are applying to, without going too in-depth or serious in the discussion. Just keep it informal but informative. It is important to create a balance between your academic and social motivations for higher course learning as it will affect the way that you are perceived by your peers and professors alike.

You don't have to write the letter in this particular order. Write it in a sense that is comfortable for you to discuss. These are mere guidelines for you to help you better draft a motivation letter :-)

Writing Feedback / Anti-radiation scarf and poncho stanford intellectual vitality [2]

Well, this is a very interesting take on radiation and how it can affect the mindset of people. This is a very creative essay that depicts a serious event that led to your interest in your major. I would have liked to have read about the reasons behind the presence of the radiation expert at your school though. It is important to know the factors behind his presence there because that is an important part or influence upon your intellectual development. A simple introductory paragraph relating to his presence there should make the essay ready for immediate use :-)

Undergraduate / I've always had a vision of the life I saw for myself - FIT FMM Admissions essay. [3]

I read the whole essay and, while you presented a type of work experience explanation within it, the whole essay does not really tell me why you are a perfect candidate for FIT. You tell us of your dreams and aspirations, even your hardships in life, but there is no development towards the reasons as to why FIT would benefit from having you as a student. What successes do you have in the fashion industry or those related to your chosen major that will make you stand out as a potential student candidate? Did you win any awards? Receive any recognitions? Watching Project Runway and dreaming of attending FIT, or even dreaming of being the next Chanel or Audrey Hepburn does not explain why FIT should consider your application seriously. How does the 2 courses you took at Disney relate to you FIT ambitions? You tried to get a job at H&M but obviously did not get it? The whole essay just not work as an application essay to FIT. It does not contain any information that shows your strengths in the fashion world, or potential to succeed. It is my belief that you need to revise the whole essay by indicating your successes or interests in life that directly relate to FIT as your potential school and depicts reasons that the admissions officers should consider you as a potential student next year. Right now, the essay is too weak and irrelevant to the prompt provided.

Undergraduate / LEGO - The urge to create is equally strong in all children. It's imagination that counts, not skill [3]

Not bad Philipe. The essay clearly responds to the prompt and offers full insight into the development of your interest in the field and how AAP, along with Cornell, will be able to help you harness your already existing skills in order to help you achieve your goals and ambitions. That said, I would like to point out some grammar corrections that are necessary for the perfection of your essay.I will also tighten the essay by deleting some parts which will make the essay more interesting and faster to read. Let me point those out for you below.


- Those Lego instructions have resonated strongly with me throughout my life. That is why when I was 7 years old... It was in the 9th grade when I finally realize that my Lego activities were the foundation for my passion in architecture.


- ... interest in how things fit...



- are on

Undergraduate / "Krista, look through this performance list and see if its alright" - "Choir? Kermesse? Both?" [4]

Krista, I am not really sure if this activity falls within the parameters of the prompt because the transition from child to adult is not as clear as you think it is. The lesson that you learned was not as life altering as it should be to depict a change in your point of view about life and your responsibilities you have as an adult within your given community. While you did display a sense of responsibility for your decisions and actions, I am really confident that the events depicted will be strong enough to convince the admissions officers reading this paper that an important coming of age event actually took place within the context of the story. The story is lightweight when considered overall and does not really contain any factors that show the acknowledgement of those older than you of your actions that can prove that you became an equal in their eyes. The other adults present in the story need to show their acknowledgement of your coming of age either by acknowledging the success of your actions or indicating that they would have made the same decisions as you did.

As for the word I, you need to use the word often because this is a first person point of view essay. Don't worry about. Worry instead about developing the depiction of yourself in transformation into adulthood. The critical mass event that would force such a transition on your part in this essay is really weak and needs to be looked into further.

Undergraduate / American bubble - great education, continuous electricity, expansive neighborhoods, and poverty free [4]

Ilesh, the essay properly answers the prompt and depicts the strong reasons behind your desire to pursue this particular degree. The fact that you have both your long and short term career goals clearly thought out and developed tells the admissions officer that you are a student who does not mean to just have fun in college, you totally plan on preparing for your future as an innovator and contributor to the betterment of society on a world wide basis.If there is something lacking in your essay, it is the development of the portion about the child defecating in the street. I would like you to explain how that particular scene burned into your mind and how seeing that child reminded you of the research about converting feces to energy. It is a connecting paragraph that lays the foundation for your desire to enroll in this field and conduct research relevant to the development of that technology. It is the driving force behind your ambition and goals and must be completely developed to make it highly relevant to the essay. Doing so will better prepare the essay for use in your application :-)

Undergraduate / Acrophobia. The irrational or extreme fear of heights - which prompt fits best? How to continue? [6]

Since I asked you to delete certain portions of your essay dealing with the definition of certain words at the start, you now need to write a more interesting hook with which to reel in the admissions officers. You want them to be interested in learning about this place where you feel content and why. So start the essay by explaining something such as why you feel discontent in certain instances, slowly introducing the fact that you feel most content at the top of the mountain because of the isolation and sense of inner peace that it offers you.

Undergraduate / Journalism is not an easy career in Vietnam - E.W SCRIPPS SCHOOL OF JOURNALISM/OHIO UNIVERSITY [11]

Good work. You have managed to deliver an essay that totally responds to the prompt at this point and paints a clear picture of the direction that you wish to take your journalism career into once you return to Vietnam. I would like you to clarify one point though, in reference to BBC Vietnam. Clarify that they present a bias point of view when reporting about Vietnam itself and that is what you want to change when you become a journalist in your country. Point out that your main goal is to change not only the way journalism is conducted in Vietnam, but also how the world perceives Vietnam in the 21st century since most people still have a view of Vietnam as being filled with rice paddies and a closed economy policy. Which is far from how the country functions at the moment. After adding that note, your essay will be good to go :-)

Undergraduate / You are not here fundamentally for the purpose of completing degree requirements - Why Penn College? [17]

This is definitely an improved version of the essay that can be used for your application. You have successfully painted your goals as a student and future professional in such a way that can resonate with the course offerings of the school and the ability of the university to assist you in developing your professional persona over the next four years. Don't forget to officially delete the portion that you struck out in the above post. You need to officially delete that part in order for the essay to work properly. Overall, the essay is ready for use. It is still a bit longer than the usual response to this prompt but it definitely works in the long form :-)

Undergraduate / "How I spent $1000 making a fire starter" Common APP essay [7]

This essay should be all about the time when you met with failure and learned a lesson. Instead, you wrote an essay that recounts an event in your past that led to your interest in computers. That is not the correct response to this essay. You need a more serious anecdote to tell. One that had a profound effect on your life that caused you to change your way of thinking or the method by which you conduct your life at present. Remember, there needs to be a lesson learned. That lesson, if you did learn if from building your first computer and failing to get it started, is not very clear in this version of the essay. It is unimaginable that failing to get a computer started because you built it from scratch would cause your academics to fail. This is not a year long event that you were involved in. The story is basically shallow, has a lot of loopholes, and is basically, not convincing enough as a response to the prompt.

Undergraduate / Acrophobia. The irrational or extreme fear of heights - which prompt fits best? How to continue? [6]

The essay will work best if you remove the definition to acrophobia and monophobia. Those definitions do not really help the essay along and only creates an uninteresting opening paragraph and secondary paragraph for your response essay. By eliminating those definitions, your essay will become tighter, more relevant, and immediately interesting to the reader. Try to use the freed up characters to create more interest and a sense of contentment in the essay. The elements that will make the essay very compelling are already within the current work. It just needs to be developed further :-)

Undergraduate / "Do something today that your future self will appreciate" - My Captivation [4]

J, we don''t really need the anecdote in this kind of statement response. You need to be as direct to the point as possible and just answer the questions being asked. Don't offer answers to questions that are not posed. It will not help your essay in any way. The latter part of the essay works very well in answering the prompt so I suggest that you delete the portion below to shorten you word count and give you more room to add direct answers to the prompt if you feel you can do that.

My dad once told me: .. .

After you delete that portion, you need to beef up these particular lines:


The reason I am asking you to develop those lines is because you definitely make your potential contribution to NYU clear but, the reasons you chose NYU, the question of "What does NYU have to offer to you?" is not fully answered. So you need to work on that part and everything will fall into place in the essay for sure.

Undergraduate / I have searched for schools with programs which reflect some of my personal experiences. I found you [14]

That definitely makes sense Regina. It will bring the essay full circle in terms of responding accurately to the prompt and offers a complete and relevant insight into the way you mind works in determining a future for yourself. I do not believe that it will be conflict with any of the existing paragraphs of the current essay. It will, in my opinion only serve to further strengthen the thoughts and sentiments you present. Go ahead and close with this paragraph. Don't add anything else to the mix. The essay is, in my opinion, as ready as it can be for submission :-)

Undergraduate / "Finding my future in my name" - Common App [5]

Considering that you are writing a draft version of the essay at this point, the word count should not and cannot matter. That is because in order to properly say what you want to say, you need to write a long response. Once you have written the long response, we can then review it and edit it down to combine sentences or paragraphs which will then help you meet the word count. Thinking about constantly staying within the word count is often what makes these essays hard for students to respond to. So I always ask the student to not consider the word count the first time they write. It is easier to edit a long paper to meet the word count than it is to try to express yourself in limited words.

Undergraduate / The "helpee-oriented" conception - activity essay for Vandy [6]

Melati is right, the essay does not answer the prompt in the correct manner because you only refer to an activity that you did once. I do not suggest trying to spin this essay in a manner that makes it appear like you do this activity regularly. You need to be honest in your essays and make sure that you provide only truthful information. So you have two choices in this matter. Either change the activity in the essay to one that you actually do on a regular basis or choose a prompt that will better fit the essay you already wrote. If you choose to stick to the current prompt, then choose an activity that you regularly do which helps you develop an aspect of your personality. It does not have to automatically be about volunteering your time to help others, you can talk about anything that you enjoy doing which helps you learn about yourself and helps you develop a life perspective. Sports activities, a part time job, or even just helping out around the house on a regular basis, if you enjoy doing it, can be spun to fit the essay requirements.

Undergraduate / You are not here fundamentally for the purpose of completing degree requirements - Why Penn College? [17]

The main problem with your introduction is that you have presented a number of ideas such as education is important, it is not the shortcut to a fat salary, etc. Instead of only concentrating on the main purpose for going to college as your goal, to fulfill your life ambitions and help your country. That is the main point of your goal and that is what you should be discussing and developing in the context of the essay. Relate only that part to the ability of the university to help you achieve it and your introduction should be set. Remember, your introduction is practically the whole paper. It gives an overview of who you are, your dreams, and the reason why you were attracted to the university in a concise form. The rest of the essay should only build upon those factors.

Scholarship / As HCl (hydrochloric acid) singes my flesh, a gleam of satisfaction bounces off my face; SCHOLARSHIP [3]

Are these supposed to be two separate essays and hence will be submitted separately ? Or are you just marking the points where the essays become different in an effort to signify a transition? I believe I have already reviewed this essay for you a number of hours ago and I pointed out that it suffers from a transition problem. All you have to do is write a transition paragraph for the two topics to show the seamless change but connection between the two topics based upon the prompt provided. Your concluding paragraph should present a final idea as to how you developed a love for both subjects and how you excelled in these in a combined way. That means your conclusion will concentrate on your character trait as a student that is common to both academic interests which highlights your ability to excel in unrelated fields if deemed necessary to your academic achievement.

Undergraduate / You are not here fundamentally for the purpose of completing degree requirements - Why Penn College? [17]

Yes, you can keep the reference to wanting to work in high government positions as this addresses the goals requirement of the essay prompt. You will need to develop the idea as to how it connects to your current field of study though. Specifically how Penn college fits into the achievement. Yes, I also believe that you have properly elaborated on the connection between your future career and chosen program. You can still elaborate on it further if you wish to do so. As for the other grammatical or sentence structure errors, let's wait until the overall theme of the essay has been finalized before we address correcting those. With all of the content changes that may be occurring during the editing and revision process, the words used may still change and I want to save you the bother of having to revise the grammar and sentence part more than once :-)

Undergraduate / We were given forty minutes before 12 noon to explore the town in groups. Central to identity prompt [5]

I don't believe that you can use this for a transition essay response because there is nothing cultural or social about the events that transpired. You got lost, you made mistakes, you learned something from those mistakes. Thus, there was a failure on your part to meet the requirements of your trip and guide, all of which led to the life lesson that you learned. Hence making the essay more of a "learning from failure" response than a central identity or transition to adulthood essay. Is the prompt for learning from failure not included as one of your common app topic choices? If it is not, then you should just write a new essay that might better address the new prompt requirement you chose.

Writing Feedback / I've written 3 paragraphs of urban life - an introduction, central paragraph and conclusion [2]

Sahar, these are not 3 paragraphs. A paragraph is composed of 3 sentences minimum with a specific topic discussed in each one. What you have written is more of a statement that has under developed ideas and incomplete set ups. I suggest that you provide us with the essay prompt and that you write the whole essay instead of presenting us with mere introductions to the paragraphs that do not really offer us an insight into what the essay will be all about and how it should come to an end. Is this for a TOEFL or IELTS test? Are you supposed to discuss 2 points of view and then offer your opinion? I am not really sure how to review your essay because of the missing prompt requirement. Clarify the discussion method for this essay so that I can better review your work. Thanks.

Undergraduate / I could never escape the shadow of my older sister. If I was strong, she was even stronger. [3]

I like the essay that you drafted. the problem, is that I like it more as a central identity prompt instead of a transition prompt. Consider the requirements of the essay prompt that you chose. You have to present an event of the formal or informal kind that reflects your transition to adulthood. Joining the track team, your experience there, and how you developed as a person in that scenario does not fulfill the transition to adulthood requirements. My advice is to either change the prompt response to a central identity prompt or, write a new essay that better addresses the transition to adulthood requirements. You can save this essay for another prompt in the future if you wish to. Right now, it just does not respond to a transition essay. The final decision as to what to do with this essay is yours to make :-)

Undergraduate / "Do something today that your future self will appreciate" - My Captivation [4]

J, you should lose the current introduction that you have because it does not help to respond to the prompt and in fact, diverts from the actual response of your essay

The actual essay response come from you in the paragraph after this one. It strongly indicates the reasons you chose NYU and what you have to offer as a potential student. By deleting your introduction, you can make more room to develop the essay in a more prompt adherent manner. Use the freed up word count to showcase the reasons for choosing NYU that may not be noticeable to most people. Remember, talk about the university, not the city. The city is not relevant in your response.

400 words is the maximum word count for the essay but that does not mean that you need to write down 400 words. If you feel that you have properly addressed the prompt with only 200 -300 or 350 words then you can stop. Sometimes, when responding to essay prompts, less words actually say more than an attempt to meet the maximum word count.

Undergraduate / The "helpee-oriented" conception - activity essay for Vandy [6]

Can we have the complete prompt for the essay response please? I feel that as an activity essay, you have written an interesting piece but you are somehow disconnected from the story you are telling. You seem more like a bystander detailing what is going on around you or between people at the facility rather than being actually involved in any activities that depict the way that this extra curricular activity has helped give you a well rounded development as a person. In order to make this essay more effective, we need to see more of your participation at the center with a depiction of a specific event or person, that has helped to make this activity extra special for you. That is how common extra curricular activity prompts are normally discussed. My opinion and review of your essay may still be adjusted once you provide the actual prompt though. I am only giving a more generalized statement at the moment. It will be more specific as soon as I understand the prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / Quashing rumors of women's colleges [7]

I agree that the essay is quite confusing at times. If you are trying to quash rumors about women's colleges, as your title states, you are not doing a very good job at it because your essay does not discuss how any of the prejudice has helped guide you towards Scripps. Where is the real reason that you are enticed to apply at Scripps? How do these unrelated events add up to make Scripps your college of choice? Your entire essay is simply too disconnected in topic and content to be of real use in responding to this prompt. I believe a full rewrite is in order. Try to write the essay from a different point of view or at least develop the quashing rumors aspect of your response in a better and more revealing manner.

Undergraduate / MIT EECS - I will be able to become just like the innovators that I look up to. [8]

Due to the current word limit, it is really going to be difficult to spice up the statement. These types of prompts really only require a single paragraph response which does not use too any background references nor creative words. You just have to simply state your reasons in the most informative and direct manner that you can. Hoping that you provide enough of a hook at the beginning through a single sentence, that will keep the admissions officer interested in reading the rest of the statement. It really sounds good enough to use. You have a number of other common app prompt essays to submit along with this one so there is no need to over concentrate on developing this one. This is just one of the many statements and essays that you are responding to as part of your written interview.

Undergraduate / Acrophobia. The irrational or extreme fear of heights - which prompt fits best? How to continue? [6]

My opinion is that the story you have chosen to tell does not answer any of the prompts you listed. It does not refer to a formal event that marks a transition to adulthood. Neither does it present a failure that you learned a lesson from. It is not a story that is central to the development of your identity either. The only prompt that it might answer, if tweaked, adjusted, and revised to that effect, is the place where you feel content.

If you can change the setting to having already climbed up the mountain and we can have you basking in the knowledge that you accomplished a complicated task, with a sense of comfort and contentment being related to the place (mountaintop) then maybe, just maybe, we can add enough personal sentiment and information to make the essay adhere to the prompt requirements. For the conclusion of the essay, my suggestion is not to use any of your pre-written conclusions. Instead, develop a new conclusion that explains how the contentment you feel cannot be replicated and that you carry that feeling with you for a few days after you trek down the mountain, which, is another different story of contentment altogether.

Writing the essay in such a manner should make the essay respond to the prompt in a more adherent manner.

Undergraduate / Why CMU, why? - I'm a person who likes to keep things simple, and life is no exception. [7]

Would you like to work with me on that? Here is what I would like you to do if you want to make sure you present as much beneficial information about your desires as a student in your application. Just write the essay. Include a single spaced additional paragraph related to the research or project plans that you might have. Then post it here. If you won't mind having me tweaking your essay and editing it to a certain degree, you may not have to go over the single page, single space limit. If all goes according to plan, I should be able to help you present everything that you need to within a single page. Do you want to give it a try? I am just offering to do this, you don't necessarily have to do it if you don't want to :-)

Undergraduate / Common App; The word suicide -- as I later found out -- is passed around in hushed voices [13]

I would love to see how you revised the essay to the point where you feel it actually answers the prompt. The way I see it, the story you are telling cannot fulfill the prompt requirements. But I could be wrong and you might be able to spin the essay towards a more relevant response to the prompt. I'll be waiting to read your newest version. I wish you the best of luck. Just in case, I suggest you prepare a back up story or event that you can use in case your new version still does not work for the prompt. It is always best to be prepared :-)

Undergraduate / Why CMU, why? - I'm a person who likes to keep things simple, and life is no exception. [7]

This is a much better introduction that clearly defines the basis of your interest in CMU. I believe that it works well with the rest of the essay. By the way, aren't you going to mention anything about any potential projects or research that you would want to undertake during your time as a CMU student? I just reviewed the prompt requirements again and it encourages you to present some information along those lines. It seems to be optional though but if you do choose to present something, I am sure that it will help the admissions officers seriously consider your aptitude and abilities in terms of completing your CMU studies and what you have to offer the university in exchange for academic learning.

Undergraduate / Why Brown? - I find myself frustrated when confined to a single branch of study. [4]

Your essay and the way you wrote it is fine. It is grammatically correct, although I would advice you not to say "In summation" at the end because it makes the essay sound like a research paper that you will be submitting for a grade. The general reasons that you give for opting to enroll at Brown, if given an opportunity, presents the image that you already know the direction that your studies will be taking and how you plan on executing those plans for academic achievement. Overall, I don't believe that I can fault the essay in terms of content and structure. The only problem that might arise is if you are somehow over the word limit provided for the prompt. I don't think you have that problem though.

Undergraduate / Their cages were so tiny. I knew things needed to change. Extracurricular activities essay [3]

Jackie, don't think about the word count when working on your draft. Keeping track of the word count is what has left your statement hanging without any particular direction nor information about your extra curricular activity. My suggestion is that you write about 150 - 200 words describing your extra curricular activity, post it here, then we can help you whittle it down to 75 words or less. If you try to stay within the word count while drafting the essay, you will be giving yourself and the reviewer a hard time in editing the work. Go overly long if you have to, it can always be edited down :-)

Undergraduate / Why Brown? - I find myself frustrated when confined to a single branch of study. [4]

Ruxandra, I would appreciate being able to read the complete prompt for this essay when you have the time to post it. Just to make sure that the review I will be giving you is accurate. So far though, the essay seems to be more than responding to the prompt. You have provided a clear idea as to what makes Brown the specific choice for your major in a general manner. Which is acceptable at this point since I have yet to consider the essay prompt in the review. As for the flow, it does sound genuine so you need not worry about that. You sound like you have a deep understanding and interest in the inner workings of Brown and its academic capacity. It shows in your work. Now all we have to do is make sure that your response did not miss anything in the prompt requirements, if at all :-)

Undergraduate / Jade Bracelet - "It's not even modern! Why should I ever wear that!" [7]

As a central identity story, the essay needs to develop your character much more. At this point, your mother is the central character of the essay, with her role really developed within the moments after the essay broke. Remember, your mother is not the central point of the essay. This all about you. So you need to develop your central identity much more and much sooner than almost the last paragraph of the essay. Try to revise the part about what happened after the bracelet broke and how your mother reacted to it. Get to the point about family immediately and the significance of the bracelet in the development of your central identity as soon as possible. Downplay your mother's reaction. By the way, what is the connection of the lukewarm shower to the breaking of the bracelet? The essay is a bit unclear about how that relates to the events that followed.

Undergraduate / Jade Bracelet - "It's not even modern! Why should I ever wear that!" [7]

So, what are the rules we are supposed to play by in reviewing your essay? Can you please provide us with the complete instructions for the prompt so that we can spot the problems that you have indicated with it? It's kind of difficult to review the work when we only have your comment about what you think is wrong with the paper to go by. I'd appreciate some guidelines in reviewing the essay which, by the way, is quite creative in approach. I will be able to provide a more solid review once I know what to expect of the written work via the prompt requirements :-)

Undergraduate / Why CMU, why? - I'm a person who likes to keep things simple, and life is no exception. [7]

The transition from one major to the next in paragraph form is quite flawless. It was smooth and did not offer any shock to the reader with regard to the way the topic changed going into the next paragraph. The essay is quite strong and compelling to read. That said, I believe that the introductory paragraph needs a little bit more work. You make it sound like you have been targeting enrollment at CMU ever since you were a child interested in computers. Surely that was not the case for you. I believe that you should clearly define when you came across CMU and what drew you in particular to the computer department of the university. Just as you did with your electrical and computer engineering course. I believe that your essay would also benefit from your relating what particular internship programs they offer that you believe can help you achieve more in your chosen field. Normally, one of the important considerations that a student makes when choosing a university has to do with the ability of the university to provide him or her with ample hands on training via internships and other similar programs. Other common apps ask for something along those lines in their essay so I don't think it will hurt your CMU essay to follow that template.

Undergraduate / We were given forty minutes before 12 noon to explore the town in groups. Central to identity prompt [5]

Nicole, the story that you shared cannot be considered a central identity story as it did not help you come to learn something new about a character or trait that you did not know you had before. I would suggest that you use this essay for a different prompt instead. Perhaps a prompt relating to a transition from child to adulthood or maybe, how you learned a life lesson from a previous failure. I am sure that you will come across a common app prompt that will best fit this essay that you wrote. It just isn't meant for a central identity prompt.