Writing Feedback / (control / opportunities /compliance) important qualities of a good supervisor (boss) [2]

Try to use those corrections when you type the essay again. Type it again just to practice the correct grammar. Your English is already very good with just a few small errors.

When they do not behave well, they must tell exactly what reasons they have for it.

However, he is badly very severe on those who commit illegally inexcusable acts, and his heart does not go out to them.

For example, Mr Choo immediately sacks personnel in charge of accounting, who intentionally write a wrong figure in the revenue report, and he does not care for whatever what professional backgrounds they have.

If he has With these qualities, like hard-work, generosity and adherence to the firm's rules, the company will ...

:-)

Undergraduate / (Love for drawing, passion for art) - Transfer Essay to Cornell Visual Art Program [5]

No, not too flowery at all. Great job.

You can maintain that present verb tense intensity here:
Did Do you feel what I felt feel? Then you know what...

Here is a grammar correction that probably is not even necessary because people don't usually know about it:
My parents had always dreamed of me my becoming a lawyer, and since ...----And actually, it might not even be wrong.. I think your way is fine.

This part might be too flowery: In going to Cornell, it is my prerogative to reach an artistic Nirvana while making ...---prerogative indicates something slightly different, slightly out of place here.

Anyway, it is great! Not much room to criticize.

Undergraduate / "parent's childhood environment" - Rutgers Essay: A Vibrant Community [3]

Hi, I hope you have a lot of success with it, and I'm sorry you only got one response in time!

I never wondered what my parent's parents' childhood environment was like until I became ...

...was far from the medium ?? Do you mean far from the "mean" (i.e. average); my surrounding area being extremely diverse both racially and culturally.

My mother responded that the first time she saw ...

I like your ideas, but you did not really give any specific examples of how you would benefit and contribute. In this kind of essay, they want to see if you have goals and plans.

Also, if possible, next time you should try to break it up into a few paragraphs.

:-)

Undergraduate / Would the theme of my personal statement(sometime in the future) be inappropriate? [4]

This is a great question, and you did not violate any rules. Thanks for being here. The answer comes from an examination of the purpose you are trying to achieve. You want the reader to be able to justify selecting you. You want the reader to feel good about choosing you rather than some other applicant. It is a bit of a competition! But of course, that is okay...

The goal is to make the reader aware of your plan, and demonstrate the clarity of your thinking through the clarity of your explanation of your plan, with its short term goals. And discuss what you have been reading. Now, how does this relate to your experience of depression? It's tough... you cannot explain depression in words. It needs a poem. And even then, the reader will not understand it the way you do.

You have to use it to express the truth that will make the reader feel like you are trying to make a great splash in this world, and that you have a plan.

:-)

Writing Feedback / young people's decision have no influence on the future of the nation [3]

to be much difficult. ---To be very difficult.

Well...

You work very hard here, so... there is no reason you cannot succeed. However, this questions is difficult. It is possible to interpret this question in a few different ways. You should make an interpretation, be clear about it, and stick to it.

What nation are we talking about, anyway?

Young people's decisions have very little influence on the future of the nation, because the nation is owned by big financial interest groups.

When you write, just make sure the paragraphs begin with good PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCES. I cannot emphasize that enough. Google about it. That is the way to write well. :-)

Writing Feedback / Groups or Organizations are an important part of people's lives. Are they important? [5]

Keep it plural:
...new norms and values for a living and apply all of them to the whole community.

Joining Groups or Organizations do not capitalize unnecessarily---> groups or organizations will shape show you how to survive in a dynamic society.

Do it like this:
To sum up, groups and organizations are paths toward how to make a proper living in a rapidly-changing society. People can learn new approaches of for leading a happy and normal life, and it is easy to get used to many citizens from different places through means obtained from association in their own groups or organizations.

:-)

Letters / HOUSE KEEPING RESUME [4]

"Youthful man" does not seem to really work.

I don't see any errors, but I think you should try to express an intention. Tell them your real objective. Your objective is not just to be a great employee, but instead there is something that is important to you, some concept that makes you want to do this kind of work. Let the reader know what you are all about.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Some people believe in making large amount of money while others don't care about it [3]

Capitalize when you start a sentence.
Whereas is one word, no two.

Do not capitalize "money"
Some people think that money is the ...

most crucial part of human life, and tha t without it no one can would be able to think about life. For example, they think that without money life would be an ocean without water. ---nice metaphor!

Stop using i.e. It is not good to use in formal writing. Well, it can be good, but at least put it in parentheses. Don't just put it in the middle of a sentence.

I see a sentence here that does not begin with a capital letter:
... the support of society. we are seeing ...

Use "whereas in the middle of a sentence, like this:
One person can make all the society to dance on their tune , just because of money, whereas there are still few people who are satisfied by earning a small amount of money because they believe in simple living.

Food, shelter and clothes are the ...

:-)

Essays / (Active / Contributed / Art) outline your contribution and extracurricular activities [6]

The thing to do is look at what you have done, look at what you have been reading, look at what you are planning.

Come up with a theme that is ALL YOURS. Do you know what I mean? What is the word or phrase that really captures what you are all about?

You should explain your activities in a way that shows what you are all about. Make an impression.

The way to make an impression is by using a theme. :-)

Undergraduate / "Learning is how we grow." - transfer to UT Austin [3]


Declare something. You are right. This is tough without an interest. If you were running for president but had no plan, people would not vote for you. If you have no interests, but other students do, they are more deserving.

One hobby I spend a majority of my time doing, and probably way too much, is research. I can research hours and hours on end. Ever since I learned how to use a computer, I look up whatever sparks my curiosity. I research things from all aspects of my life, be it product reviews, homework help, or how to learn something n ew.---Ah! I really like your writing style and way of thinking... and I am convinced that you have MORE interests than the average student. But you have this idea that you are undecided. Let me give you a great new way to think: You have many interests, and you absolutely have to be decisive if you want any chance of achieving your many goals. So... focus not on what you are unsure of, but instead on what you a certain that you are interested in.

A good idea might be to read a few articles about recent advancements in your fields of interest, and let them put you in a great state of mind for completing the final draft of this.

:-)

Undergraduate / About accomplishments in the past year (My time in the Marine Corps) [4]

Here, you can be more efficient:
Sometimes it seemed as if it was not worth it to continue my education in the Marine Corps seemed futile, but then I would remember the places I'd been and the people I'd met.

Not just in defending this country, but also with my education. ---This is not a complete sentence. Also, it is not a very meaningful sentence. Fill it with meaning, and make it distinct. Make it so that every one of your sentences is distinct.

I look at the Marine Corps as a stepping stone in getting my degree in engineering. Obviously... everything is a stepping stone. Do not tell the reader that. Tell the reader about your plan. You can only inspire the reader if you have a good plan.

:-)

Writing Feedback / toelf essay- Should going to class at school be optional or required? [4]

Wow, you really got me thinking about this interesting question. It would be kind of interesting to let the students attend only when they want to. That way, only the most motivated students would get opportunities. But no, actually, we really need to make it compulsory, because if we don't parents and children will be neglectful in ways that are unfair to the children... the children are not old enough to know what is best for them!

So, I think you are right.

Okay, but we are talking about college/university, aren't we... I see.

Okay, I will tell you two things to improve your writing:
Use "the" with first, second and third:
The first thing is...
The second thing is...

Also, capitalize the first letter of each sentence! You have to always remember to capitalize the first letter.

:-)

Undergraduate / "my goal is to become an Esthetician" - Educational and Career Goals Essay [4]

It is my life-long goal to become an Esthetician. ----Hmmm... I think you can do better. Lifelong means something different, usually... like, for a whole lifetime. I don't really like it when an essay starts with, "I have always been.." etc.

Since very early in my life, I have been attracted to the beauty industry. Becoming someone capable of helping individuals in ways that is not possible with other careers would bring me so much joy and honor. ---- I like this part, even though it says, "Since early in my life..."

I would love to attain a career that allows me to share and express my passion and artistic abilities with the public. ---nic, it gets better and better.

By attending, it will allow me to pursue my dream of having the power of being able to transform and improve a person's appearance and self-confidence. Don't say "By attending," and ... I like the idea of improving people's confidence! Very cool...

You know, you should continue the theme of building people's confidence. You should develop the idea, and incorporate other interests. For example, you will be kind of like a counselor for people, and probably you will be good at listening and giving advice. Get more specific with your vision of the future. :-)

Research Papers / Data analyzing essay, out of idea, how to reach the word required? [6]


Yes, it's a noun. But it is countable. It is singular because sale is a singular noun.
For example, if I am a bad salesman I might make only one sale, but if I am a good salesman I might make many sales.

So, it is countable, but you used it correctly.

The sales vary.
In general, the sales for each of the items vary from one month to the next."

You could also say the number of sales varies.

The sales vary.
In general, the sales of books, stationary and toys vary from one month to the next."

The number of sales varies.
The sales vary.

You know what? You are great already. Even highly educated people who speak only English do not usually have error-free writing. So, you are already very, very good!

Oh! I just figured out what you mean. Yes, you can use sale as an uncountable noun.
In general, the sale of books, stationary and toys varies from one month to the next."

Here is how I would do it:
In general, the number of sales for books, stationary and toys varies from one month to the next."

Writing Feedback / Investing on public transportation is preferable! [8]


I have good news for you...

Writing is art, and there are no rules. Also, communication is art. Do you know how Yoda talks on Star Wars? It is not grammatically correct, but it is powerful.

I want to tell you something from my perspective as someone who only knows English:
People from all over the world are changing the English language. Some people do not like the internationalization of the English language, but I think it is beautiful. I especially like Chinglish. Language is always changing. If you are someone whose English is not perfect, you can still be the best communicator in your company. Communication is not about grammar. Communication is about psychology, timing, and the ability to share a positive state of mind.

:-)

Undergraduate / "The accelerated five year BS MSN nursing program" - transfer essay [3]

Use a hyphen:
The accelerated, five-year BS MSN nursing program is ...

the reason why I want to transfer to Simmons College. A non-accelerated BS MSN nursing program usually lasts for six years, and not all of them provide internships. However, Simmons College's BS MSN nursing program provides internship for...--------Hmmmm...not a very inspirational reason! It is cool that you are a pragmatist, but you do have the option to highlight a more persuasive reason.. for example, perhaps some of the content on the website or some article written by one of the professors really resonates with you.

My favorite part:
My I wasn't sure what type of nurse I wanted to be. Now, after attending a year and a half of nursing program at Massachusetts College of Pharmacy and Health Science, I knew I wanted to be a pediatric Nurse Practitioner. ----This is the only part that expresses something interesting.

The rest of it just explains things that the reader already knows: However, in order to become a Nurse Practitioner, I would have to get my bachelor degree in nursing and ... See, this is not a good thing to include.

Establish a THEME for your essay, and let it be the theme that seems to be central to your interests. Let the reader have some word or phrase to associate with you.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I've Been Known to Take the Scenic Route" - UT Transfer Essay Topic A [2]


I'm sure it was not a complete waste! Maybe it is time now, though, to come experience a different culture... perhaps up in New England!

In what seemed like an instant, two years have passed since I have after I returned to school, and the time came for me to make a decision about where I will would transfer.---I don't know how to explain why these changes are necessary, but they are! :-)

No commas necessary here:
...elders and my own youthful confusion.

So... great job! I like the ending a lot. I guess I just think it is important to give some more discussion of what you would like to do, what your goals are. Good luck, and congratulations!

Undergraduate / "Art was integrated into my life unintentionally" - Statement of Intent/Personal [3]

Let's eliminate a "the"----> ...of the complexity and the challenge that creating a piece of artwork presented; it was an unfamiliar process to me. -----------Without that semi-colon, it would be a run on sentence.

No need for a comma here:
I am entertained by the fact that art serves as a leeway for emotions to be released and felt by other people. ---This is a little tough, because it sounds like the other people are doing the releasing. Maybe you can say it a different way?

A career in visual arts would be ideal for me. I think this sentence is too obvious at this point in the essay.

... is a universal language, that it speaks to a part of you that is usually unattainable makes me want to be involved and create it myself. ----Why, because you have something important to say? Why should the reader care what you have to say? I am just challenging you a little... how can you appeal to the reader's interests?

...not exactly sure of what aspect of visual arts I want to be involved in, I know that going to a creative school will help me find out. ----I think you do know. I think you have several. There is no need to reduce it or feel uncertain. Who is your favorite artist right now? What kind of art is it? That is your kind of art right now. Follow your inspiration.

Someday, I hope to be a creator of building buildings, a magazine page, or a billboard advertisement that someone looks at and wonders what it took to make this piece of art, just like I am today.----Hmmm... seems like underdeveloped interests. You should get specific... read a few art reviews for inspiration... and write something that highlights what you ARE certain about.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Investing on public transportation is preferable! [8]

Okay, maybe those corrections are hard to understand. Thanks, Sabrina! I wonder, though, if Mahrou has some questions about those corrections.

Nowadays with the increasing the population in the entire world, need of people to transporting people's need for transportation also increases. I believe that despite the i mportance of improving roads and highways , developing the buses, trains or subways is more critical, that and governments should spend more money on these. it . My basic reasons for this idea are listed below.

Moreover, many of people cannot afford to buy a car; the poor people that live in cities or countries and consist comprise most of the community need to use transportation systems that are inexpensive. have low expense. I chose to make a small improvement, here, but really, this is a very good sentence!

:-)

Writing Feedback / "Technologies not only influence but actually determine social customs and ethics"? [2]

Use "ing"...while overlooking other contributing factors in determining the social customs and ethics, which may play equally, if not more, important roles.---- Good argument!

It is evident that different climates and geographical positions has have played the vital role in the differences of the western and oriental customs and ethics.

To sum up, I agree with the speaker's assertion insofar as the technologies exert significant influences on some social customs and ethics. However, with thorough analysis, the assertion is problematic in two respects: It neglects influences of other important factors in social customs, and it neglects the fact that some ethics unchangeable by the technology. ---Notice the changes I made here.

The period at the end is missing:
The judgment fails both in its necessity and sufficiency

I am very impressed with your argument! I think you get ALMOST a perfect score. You had just a few small grammar errors. But really, you deserve a perfect score, I think.

Undergraduate / Introduction for a statement of purpose (MSc Economics for Development) [2]


Hmmm... you write well, clearly... but I feel that this little observation could be made more skillfully. Like, you say some was generated within, and the rest without, but that same thing could be said about the trouble of all nations... I think you can mediate a while about it and come up with a better sentence.


You don't have to tell the reader this. Don't waste a sentence telling the reader what she already knows. You have such a great writing style that I hesitate to criticize anything about it, but... I want this intro to only VERY BRIEFLY refer to current events in Egypt, etc., and focus more directly on your purpose, your plan.

So... just a tiny mention of the revolutions in the Middle East will be enough to make the reader know what you mean. After that, talk about your goals.

Do not write the last sentence of this intro until after you have written the rest of the essay ;-)

Undergraduate / Stanford provides meaningful relationships and expressing yourself through a dorm [2]

with things (It's always better to use a noun more specific than things. ... with artifacts ranging from the typical high school photo collage, to napkins I found at the dining hall with scribbles of an inspirational quote, to a sMRI scan of my brain. To be honest, these three things items do give a good insight into me; I treasure my high school friendships, love spontaneous art, and am fascinated by the human brain.----Wow, this is a well-structured sentence.

This first essay is great! I do always recommend, though, that you should be so excited about your career interests that you cannot stop talking about them... so I suggest talking some more about your goals and plans.

... more than just about their research interests; one was had been recently married, one had just returned from a vacation in Peru, and one was an avid biker.

(i will elaborate more on the opportunities of stanford, is this a good beginning?)----Telling them what they already know about the opportunities is not the point. The point is to show that YOU have done a hell of a lot of reading about your interests and that your interests are so developed that you know exactly what you want in a school. Put the pressure on them by showing that you really have put a lot of thought into YOUR specific interests...

:-)

Book Reports / Thesis statement for analytical essay on Pastoral Motif and its changing depiction [3]

Hi Leah,

When you use 2 or more adjectives in a row, use a comma:
The deep, dark woods in ...

the winter evening provided Robert Frost an experience that caused him no danger yet tempted him to remain in the woods, eventually letting him leave as a changed man. The Mississippi river took Huckleberry Finn and Jim away from their world and put them back after enriching them with various experiences that changed them forever. However, the Mississippi river put them into and saved them from danger many a times.

You know, my honest advice is that you should create some body paragraphs for the essay by making some comparisons of the two works, and only after writing several body paragraphs should you try to write a thesis.

When you START by writing the thesis, it is hard, because you are trying to express the main idea of an essay that does not yet exist.

What is the moral of the first story? What is the moral of the second story? Give a thesis statement that tells what they have in common, what is different, and what is the significance of the juxtaposition you are making?

I hope that helps!! It will be easier after you find a few points on which you can base a comparison of these two works, and write a few paragraphs of comparison/contrast.

:-) Good luck, I'm glad you joined EF!

Undergraduate / Science and mathematics: applying for science honors program at Columbia University [2]

Sometimes I ask myself that where I got this interest from and I, most of the time I come up with the same answer, which is my father.

I have seen my father studying science from my birth, and the answer is easy this has been the case because he is a doctor.

My dad used to tell me and my sister how different parts of the body work, how certain medicine medicines work, or even how he got diabetes, which is scary for both me and my sister since it is genetically transmitted disease!

Excellent, very impressive! Now, the next step is to include some mention of what goals you plan to achieve this year in order to get closer to actualizing your vision of the future.

You do have a vision of your desired future, don't you?

;-)

Scholarship / (major in criminology) asking to write about educational goals [3]


I don't really know what you mean here. You should give a sentence that explains why this is your passion, and not some other pursuit.

I have researched schools that have the courses that I need and desire in order to attain my goal of majoring in criminology. unnecessary

There were various colleges that have the courses I needed, but I decided to apply online to Cerritos College. ---any particular reason?

I'm excited and very committed to participate participating in everything that will help further my career.

They want to know about your goals, so that means you have to do some reading about the various specializations you can have, the various jobs you can have, and even the research that is being done by people getting advanced degrees in your field. When you read some recent books and articles, you will develop opinions about the best kinds of specializations, and you will have some goals.

Why criminal justice instead of medicine, education, business, etc? What are you all about?

Writing Feedback / Analytical writing: "Education will be truly effective only if individually..." [2]


Well, this is not really about emphasis on quality, is it? It is about specialization. The intro paragraph should end with a sentence that tells whether you think tailoring an education to specific interests is necessary for quality.

It makes me think, "What about the need to introduce a lot of subjects so that the kid can DEVELOP the interests?"

But I'll continue to read and see if you answer the prompt...

Watch out for the verb tense changing:
If there was the ability to narrow down subject matters according to each student's strengths and interests, the student will would be at such an advantage exiting their high school career.

Okay, so... you are calling for methods that narrow the scope of education according to a child's interests, but the interests only develop as the result of exposure to multiple subjects.

Well, I think you are not focusing directly on the question. Make yourself answer the prompt in a single sentence, and put that sentence at the end of the first paragraph. Keep all body paragraphs focused on that answer. This is a hard question, but you can do a better job of analyzing the appropriateness of tailoring education to students' existing interests.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Chinas one child policy and the group that is most affected [3]

Use an apostrophe:
...losing her parents' last name and legacy.---I also took out a comma.

Families have gone to drastic measures to have a boy, even if it means that they have to neglect, or mistreat their little baby girls.

These young girls would often die allowing for couples to attempt to have another child in hopes of having a boy.--That is horrifying.

Capitalize: about China, stopped for lunch.

He witnessed an awful scene: "we We saw her

You wrote a great essay!!

Writing Feedback / Essay: The 'O' levels are redundant [4]

First and foremost, the 'O' levels examinations offers offer only a limited assessment proof of a ...

You should be confident! You are very clear...
The topic sentences (the first sentences of the paragraphs) should be so clear and convincing that the reader could understand your argument even if they read only the first sentence of each paragraph. The PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCE is very important.

Also, can you change the last sentence of the first paragraph so that it expresses your main argument AND reason for the argument? It is almost perfect, but maybe it needs a few words added to it so that the reader can catch your point after reading that single sentence.

You did a great job refuting the counter argument: However, isn't this what all examinations do?

Very good!! Sorry you had to wait so long for a response.

:-)

Scholarship / "trust God and be optimistic"- lesson I've obtained During My Scholarship Examination [3]

wasted exerted great effort and perseverance.

...would be the one to fill it up out. There was no certain expectation that, after this, I would be capable of passing the next ...

Afterward of After filling out the form and reviewing the lessons, the most awaited day had finally come, the time to apply my knowledge. ---Great sentence!!

It was my scholarship examination. If I would pass this, I could use it to be a scholar to at my dream institution. ----I really like your writing style. You have some small mistakes, but you absolutely are a master of language and communication.

I never forgot that the time I spen t praying with to God, because not only intellectual is important but, of course, the spiritual lessons as well.

Lunch time. Just like before the distribution of ...---Another brilliant way of writing.

If you set high expectations, frustration will happen just as it would if you had low expectations. expected high, frustration happened just like as you expecting negatively. I prepared myself for whatever would happen. be it was.

I had answered the test questions well and read directions carefully! How really strong I was that time.
Capitalize: ... believed to the motto that, "Nothing is impossible...

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Whether new buildings should be built in traditional style? [6]

Hey, wait a minute! Don't you have it backwards? It is a question of whether traditional buildings should be replaced by modern buildings.

Also...

I'd like to compare new buildings with old buildings before presenting my own opinion. (Add a thesis sentence here to express the main idea of the essay). END OF FIRST PARAGRAPH.

PARAGRAPH 2:
The supporters of modern style claim that it is the sign

General speaking, I personally consider that "traditional versus modern" is not a debate because they are not mutually exclusive. It would be a better choice that both of them work co-operatively cooperatively in order to embellish cities, and it tends to develop...

Wow! I am so impressed. First of all, there is nothing wrong with Chinglish. All languages change with time and develop new dialects. The language is for YOU to use. And many people speak multiple languages... like you. Second of all, this essay is great! Very good grammar.

Undergraduate / "Yes, I am an idiot.." - My Common App Essay ( Fictional Character) [6]


I feel like a sentence is missing here. It is not necessary to have a thesis statement at the end of the first para, but it really helps.

At the end of the second para, you are talking about this common question faced by all kids. I feel like it is not a necessary part of the essay...

In the third para, you continue to talk about how everyone else found some direction, and you did not. Were you not reading any books? Usually when people read a lot they develop a lot of interests and goals. So... do not think I am criticizing you... I just want to share with you this idea: focus on what you have been certain about, not what you have been uncertain about.

Hey, as i continue to read, I see that this gets better and better. I really don't like the first few paragraphs, though!

So... I enjoy it more and more as I progress toward the excellent ending. I just think you should revise the beginning so that it does not focus on the common question of what to be, does not highlight your indecision...

:-)

Undergraduate / "an intuitive child" - UBC academic letter of intent for bachelor of arts degree [2]

I think you are trying to say poverty-stricken, not poverty-driven.
Also, the first line needs to be changed, I think. It is not very powerful to say, "I have always been..." not meaningful, because the reader does not accept your claims at face value.

However, this is some great writing. You should not have let 10 years go by! You are a good communicator.

My mind was a sponge Do not let yourself use any cliches, unless you put your own original twist on them.

Do more paragraph breaks. They make it so that reading the essay is not a convoluted nightmare.

Hey, so if you are out of practice, this is a great start. Use it as a collection of your ideas, but now look at it again and come up with a sentence -- one sentence -- that expresses the main truth of the essay. About 4 or 5 sentences into the essay, type that sentence and end the first paragraph.

You need that as the reference point, the anchor, the established theme.

After that, edit out all sentences that do not support the main theme. The first sentence of each paragraph especially must support the theme.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Essay about the believe of people on child education - feedback [6]


I see a potential flaw with this essay. You are acting as though one cannot educate the child and also let the child work. When you refer to Early Childhood Education, it is about when the child is 5 years old and younger. When children are working, it is when they are a little older than that, I think. So.. even though I agree with you, I think it is necessary to clarify a little more.

:-)

Undergraduate / (the Haitian culture) How your family history, culture or environment influenced you? [5]

Here is a great place to cut a word:
One of the most important qualities of the Haitian culture...

This is very eloquent. It shows that you are serious about your education and your life. But that means you must have some plan for how you will achieve your goals. This essay should tell about some of your goals for the next 6 months, the next 12 months, etc. After all, to explain how you have been influenced you must explain what you are doing.

:-)

Undergraduate / "see me dancing everywhere" - tell us about yourself short essay [4]

Great advice here! Also, I think the essay will be improved if a perfect thesis statement is added to the end of the first paragraph. Add one profound sentence that expresses the main truth of the whole essay.

My dream is to work as an ambassador for UN. ---This is incomplete. To work in that position is not the point. It is something you can accomplish in that position. Show that you are already reading about what the ambassador is doing, and show that you spend your free time pursuing this interest. Cite an article or book.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Some people enjoy changes, and they look forward to new experiences. Others not. [6]


After this sentence, do not end the first paragraph right away. Add one more sentence to express what you mean. It is not clear. Also, the first paragraph is too short. You are smart, and your ideas are worth at least four sentences of introduction. :-)


I like this sentence a lot. I do not entirely agree, but it really is a powerful sentence. Tradition really is a way to honor family. Yet, going one's own direction is a way to honor life in the present moment. I don't know what to think! :-)

Second, they try to maintain ancient norms and value of their parent parents' generation.---To show that the generation belonged to the parents, use an s and an apostrophe: parents' generation.

Writing Feedback / (love, care, family) - should pets be treated as family members [4]

From ancient times , human beings have been living in groups because they are social animals.

Earlier there had been joint families, but due to ...

One thing has. Two or more things have...
Though this industrialization and modern era has have given all ...

the materialistic happiness to humans , it create scarcity of the most important thing for human beings , and that is support -- love, care, affection and emotional support -- whic h a family can give."

:-)

Graduate / "Drill and Blast" - admission in Master of Science in Applied Earth Sciences [5]

Yes, I think you probably will. But I don't know anything about their policies or the number of applicants, etc. So, I really cannot say. But you definitely deserve every opportunity!

:-)

Scholarship / Essay Topic: The Box and Johnny [3]

Sheepishly, Johnny asked his mom if she had ever hear heard of the Andrews brothers.

I think that correction above is just because you had a typo...
In the rest of the essay, you used excellent grammar! This is a great story. How did you come up with it?

So, is it supposed to be a story, or were you allowed to write any kind of essay? You are a great writer...

If possible, you should find a way to create more tension in the beginning, so that some pressing matter needs to be resolved. You already did that to an extent, but the excitement of any story depends on how much tension you can build.

:-)

Writing Feedback / 'money for school tuition'; Teens work while they are still students [4]

In some countries , teenagers have jobs while they are still students.

... obtain from working while studying: learning to apply knowledge to their career, getting money to pay for tuition, and being able to take care of their families. (And the first paragraph here.)

Paragraph 2:
First, teenagers can learn how to apply their ...

Great job! I showed you how to list the main points at the ene of the first paragraph. That will improve the structure of the essay.

At the start of each paragraph, do not do a line break. Just do it like this:
Third, they can take care of their family by themselves
Nowadays, many people mainly from poor background do not have ample money even to care for either themselves or their children. Therefore, it is a responsibility of

Third, they can take care of their family by themselves. Nowadays, many people mainly from poor background do not have ample money even to care for either themselves or their children. Therefore, it is a responsibility of...

:-)