Writing Feedback / Free Art; positive artistic activities should always be encouraged [6]


Since aesthetic values are not defined, how can they have a bottom line? Who decides? If art is limited, is it still art? Isn't the purpose of art to blur the lines, to shift the boundaries of our thinking? Shouldn't art make us uncomfortable?

These are some questions you are going to have to think about to answer this topic question honestly.

Writing Feedback / in which ways, computer is a hindrance [3]


Are you supposed to be thinking about this? Your first paragraphs do, but you spent much more space and time speaking of the advantages. I'm not really sure you stuck to the topic here.

Undergraduate / Are titles for admissions essays completely necessary? [2]

Vires, Artes, Mores

One small thing--you didn't really discuss all three. Maybe you should.

Another thing--'juxtapose' is for ideas, not people. I understood your meaning, but the word doesn't really fit the sense. 'Contradict' might be better. The sentence is just awkward as it is.

Undergraduate / 'Silence in the house' - common app: Topic of choice [19]

It isn't dull. And unless you have a length requirement, I think it's ok. I personally never worried about length requirements unless they were stated. I just talked about whatever the essay was until I had finished.

Having said that, though, there is still the matter of conciseness. You neveer want to be wordy just to try to impress or to fill up length. everything you say should relate to the topic. I think you've done that fairly well overall.

Undergraduate / 'Silence in the house' - common app: Topic of choice [19]

Well, Ms. Jeannie, since 'butterflies in the stomach' is figurative and not literal, and refers to feeling rather than to the butterflies, of course it is ok to use. But since viscera was used, it seems that the feeling was stronger than just butterflies. More like thunder in the stomach.

EfSean is right, too, (Jeannie too) about the adverbs. There must be a verb to modify. And since English verbs are quite precise, there is really seldom much need to modify them. So use them sparingly, as I just did.

Nice comments, Jeannie.

Undergraduate / "Parents will be parents" - MSU essay! - To me success is a relative term [3]

The essay stays on topic just fine, no problems there.

I think that the first paragraph needs to be less a long string of clauses and phrases and more broken up into sentences. That will help with the flow.

The vocab is appropriate, too. Nicely done. but I would like to see a revision of the first part.

Grammar, Usage / whats the difference between somones and someone's ? [17]

Someone's is correct. It is a possessive case. also. It is always singular in form, even though it may refert to a group of individuals.

As to the spelling, it is a kind of compound word, so the 'e' stays as it would if the words were separated, like some one's.

Is that any more clear?

Essays / "Who helped make me, me" - how to start an intro and conclusion? [5]

Sometimes it's better to save the intro to last. That way, you already have the info in your paper

Sxm has some great points too. Make notes. Decide where you are going with this. The conclusion, if the paper is done well, will just flow from everything you've said.

Undergraduate / Progress has different definitions; Is progress always good? [4]

Progress, for me, is not one directional. I think that there is such a thing as backwards progress, when we've been going the wrong way. Whatever gets us to a more enlightened place as human is progress.


Planning to do anything with this? Poor sentence is hanging out there all by itself. It needs some company.

Undergraduate / 'As I stood in the murky spotlight...' college application essay - over the word count limit [7]

Adjectives are great and they have a purpose, but you can do sooooo much more with verbs. Mark
Twain was of the opinion that all adjectives ought to be killed outright, on the spot. So, read through and delete about half of them, and change the verbs to reflect the difference. That ought to get you close.

Undergraduate / I never really thought about college; Why you choose to attend UCF [6]

Parenthetical statements have a purpose, but if there are more than a few of them, they can be quite distracting. First, make sure they are necessary. If not, remove them, no matter how tempting it is to leave them in. Second, if you do leave them, make sure that there are only one or two.

Undergraduate / Common App essay for UVA, criticism appreciated! [4]

I've said this on other threads too. It's always a good idea to keep in mind and remember who is reading your paper. You never want to offend, or even risk it, even innocently. In these cases, the people reading control your future.

But you control everything you say. That's where your power is. So use it to your advantage.

Writing Feedback / Food has become easier to prepare now , do you agree or not? [13]

We normally 'advance to' a higher position.

There are many errors in grammar. This slows the reading. Try to fix these.

Also, the ideas are ok, but they are not anything anyone doesn't already know. Try a different approach, like both partners sharing the cooking job rather than just one of them doing it every time. This fits in with a 2-earner household and is more common than you might think.

Undergraduate / 'Be a part of our team and family' - ucf- determination [6]

What there is is good. But it doesn't qualify as an essay or anything else except a paragraph.

What it does do is lend itself to a lot of possibilities. This can be extended in so many ways. You could discuss your own determination, or the determination of the community to recover and move on.

Sometimes I try this exercise: take each sentence of the intro and try to make a paragraph out of it. If you can, you k ow how to expand what you have written.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #2: "struggled with obesity" [4]

It's always good to remember your audience. :-)

Writing Feedback / GRE essay on " the way people dress, look and act reveals their attitudes" [6]

You're welcome. :-)

Of course anything you might read would help. Any news magazines would be good, like Time Magazine or Slate (online). Those are good ones to begin with.

Undergraduate / My personal point of view on animal cruelty and abuse [5]

I did finally figure out what the numbers were for. When you write the final version, be sure to use a program that will do superscript numbers or footnotes.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose - PhD application - Mechanical Engineering [5]

I don't think so. It is just a general statement, like any other document that is written for an employment portfolio. Also it is more formal than a letter would be.

Writing Feedback / GRE essay on " the way people dress, look and act reveals their attitudes" [6]


This is really not an idiom. It is more properly a maxim.

Sean is right. Think of it this way. Americans are famous for wearing jeans. Many people think we're cowboys. Americans are famously aggressive. Many people think we are greedy and only think about money. America is famous for Hollywood. Many people think we are obsessed with beauty and celebrity. All of these things contribute to people's beliefs about us.

Undergraduate / 'School bus and sirens' - Meaningful Event/Experience-Does this qualify? [9]

Nice comments and they are accurate.

Undergraduate / Edit my undergraduate essay for Wofford College; opinions for improvements [4]


You can delete this part because it isn't true anyway. Society doesn't dictate that. Certain people have that opinion, but society has nothing to do with it. Besides, that statement interrupts a good flow of positive emotion in your conclusion.

Essays / Journey of a person who went from lack of self confidence to self esteem? [4]

This is such a broad topic it's hard to narrow it down. Think first of a person who has never achieved anything--no awards, no honors. Perfectly mediocre in every way.

But they can sing. Or dance. Or tell stories. At these things they are really good.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay---Technology has made the world a better place to live. [16]

I'm not sure, thinhtv, that your comment is very helpful. I had already addressed the length of the intro, and how it actually needs to be expanded, and then the other sections following with details and contrasts.

tiantian, please try to submit a revised intro only so we can discuss that.

Undergraduate / FAMU NURSING Admission essay! LOOK OVER IT to make it perfect [2]



The wording is awkward here, and in some other places too. First of all, most of us do not 'receive' careers. We work for them. Second, never use the same word in a sentence twice, unless it s a function word. The novelist Flaubert refused to use the same word twice even on the same page. You might find a thesaurus and use a synonym instead.

This needs some work. It feels rushed and breathless, like you were dying to get everything in it as fast as possible. Slow down. Decide what you want to include, and then put it in its proper place. Don't rush this.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #2: "struggled with obesity" [4]

Nice. The writing and the story both.

One thing: 225 pounds is not 'whopping.' Someone on the committee may weigh this. You don't want to offend, even innocently, anyone who has control of your future.

Graduate / Personal statement for a Master program- Need assistance [8]

It's best to begin generally. What are you interested in? What experiences have you had that relate to what you want to do? Give examples.

Then you need to talk about yourself. Who are you? How will I, as a member of the admissions committee, remember you? How will I perceive that you are different from the other applicants?

Undergraduate / How can i make my fsu essay more WOW-ing? [3]

Well, I'm impressed. You've got everything--your intellect shows, you have given personal examples of what you are talking about, and it flows well making the reader believe its truth. The vocabulary fits you, and is simple and direct and clear. These are the things that make a good paper.

Undergraduate / 'too much negativity' - Can someone look over my UT admissions essays? (I know they're cliche) [3]

They are really quite well done. You even used the semicolon correctly.

The only issue, and it is a common one, is that some of the vocabulary is a little high-toned for the subject. Simplify. It's always the better way to write. Your vocabulary has to fit you.

Undergraduate / 'Silence in the house' - common app: Topic of choice [19]


The essay as a whole is very good. But you must watch for this kind of construction. 'Disorderly' is not an adverb, it is an adjective. You can't modify a verb with it. I think that 'viscera' is a little extreme there, too. We usually use 'viscera' to describe non-functioning guts, not living ones.

Good writing isn't just about using high-sounding vocabulary. It's more about being clear, direct and creative with simpler language. A good rule of thumb is that if you don't use the word in your normal life, don't use it in a paper. Practice with it in your speaking first, then it doesn't sound forced or contrived.

Nice work, though, otherwise.

Research Papers / 1st attempt at writing research paper - A Lit Review [5]

In the intro, you just mainly want to introduce the subject and what you plan to do specifically. The lit review is a separate section. For each of your references, introduce them one at a time with explanatory information following. Then discuss the next one, same way, and so on until you have discussed them all. That gives you credibility and leads the reader to where you want them to be.

Undergraduate / My personal point of view on animal cruelty and abuse [5]

This is very well done. It is a good mix of passion and fact, with references included. That's good.

Now, it might be a good idea to include more positive treatments of animals, too. There is a man (I don't recall the name, though) who flies shelter puppies around the country to people who want them, but do not live in the city or county where these puppies were located. He is talking about establishing a national network for adoptees and these animals. That's good stuff, too.

These kinds of things would make your paper much more balanced and then the cruelties would stand out more by the comparison.

Undergraduate / 'all the trials and tribulations I have experienced' - GWU Transfer Admission Essay [6]

The second one is clearly better.

Watch out for cliches. They always make a writer look lazy. So you "woke up' doesn't really work. try "became aware" or something to do with self-realization there. And hopelessness doesn't "wander." Sometimes it gallops, or creeps, or crashes or envelops.

Read it out loud and see what you think.

Undergraduate / Wearing my favorite Abercrombie shirt/ App: Experience [3]

The topic is fine.

You are writing about contrasts. Make the contrasts more vivid, perhaps with a humorous tale, or an actual experience that tells the reader what that was really like for you. As you proceed, the contrasts become less and less. Ease into that, just as you eased into the life you have now after all that change.

Undergraduate / My Name is Damon and I Can Roll my R's [16]


I'd delete this one. :-)

I agree with EF_Sean. there needs to be some resolution of how what you learned applies to the experience you are about to have. Make the connections that are relevant.

Cultural diversity is a big thing now. Those who can move easily among persons of different cultures are valued. Play that up some more, perhaps with some examples.

Undergraduate / UCF Essay-Why I would like to attend. [7]

Maybe more about the college, and how what they offer mesh with all of your interests.

Also, college choice is way more important than what you may have for lunch. I know why you said that, but make your lunch choice something more dramatic and life-changing, like college, and how you made a successful decision in that case. It draws everything together better, I think.

Undergraduate / 'Passionate professors, rigorous education' - my reasons for applying to Penn [5]

The second one is definitely better.

I think that using the website reasons is a good idea, because it shows that you've researched it to find them. But expand on them, and what they may mean to you personally, maybe with examples. Reword them to fit your own style.

Grammar, Usage / How to avoid contractions in writing? [11]

It's like prepositions at the end of sentences. In more formal writing, contractions should not be used, so you may have to reword things so that you arrive at the correct sense without them. It is difficult, but it can be done. Try saying it out loud to get the sense of the rhythm of it, and it will flow more smoothly with practice.

Research Papers / 1st attempt at writing research paper - A Lit Review [5]

The writing is fine. But that is a lot of referencing in one paragraph. Normally, a lit review takes several paragraphs for each source, and goes on for 8-20 pages or so, depending on the paper and topic.

So you'll have to definitely expand this.

Research Papers / I need help finding a topic for my research paper (Intro to Linguistics class) [6]

Dialect.
Regional variations in speech.
The language instinct (Pinker).
Meaning.
Signs.
Nonverbal communication.
The meaning of silence.
Cultural linguistics.
Race.
Class variants.

Maybe these will help.

Essays / Help on inclass essay (my future career goals) [8]

Like coalerz said, but I think you can include both, since they are related. Begin with a general statement about education and its value to to you, then narrow down to your desire to be involved in education as a professional.