Undergraduate / Lost in Translation: joajacky's thread: Describe the world you come from [3]

I was editing this essay, for UC prompt #2, they deleted the thread Dx
there goes one hr of time. hehe, here's your edit. anyone else comment if you like.

To JoaJacky, if you didn't get your edited 1st prompt, I'm posting again. Sry mods if I'm breaking a rule >_<

NOTE: THIS IS JOAJACKY's ESSAY NOT MINE.

Prompt # 1- Describe the world you come from- for example, your family, community or school- and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Born in the state of New York from hardworking Chinese descent of Dominican citizen parents, and a life living in a Caribbean island of Puerto Rico. My father owns a Chinese restaurant in Puerto Rico working up to thirteen hours a day, and my mother works along side with him. Both who came from China of Dominican citizen, was unable to properly understand English. Consequently, I had to grow up dealing with situation on my own. This has motivated me to become strong, and open-minded individual upon entering to study in the U.S. [try restructuring this paragraph. It has most of the necessary topics for your essay, I assume, but try to shorten some. note: I got confused by the whole descent thing at first.]

As a child,There were manyat times when I needed assistance with homework or explanation on school information, butwhich my parents had difficulty withgiving me that help . Despite my parent'sbeing unableinability to help me inwith learning English andor school work, they still wanted me to learn. They provided me with great advice, and encouraged me to treasure my studies and be generous. They worked more than 70 hours a week without rest [sounds like they were awake 70hrs straight. not what you meant yes?] and my father meditated after work every night. The time and interaction spent with my parent made me reliant on them, which made me studying in the U.S., a difficult path. [good paragraph, but maybe cut down on your father's work. If you want to include it, place if before because you jump from: they can't help, they give me assistance, they're busy, it's hard. make it more like: they're busy, they can't help, it's hard, BUT they still give me support ]

When I first studied in the U.S., I w as a nervous student but I knew that I had to grow up and start beingbe more independent. To overcome this obstacle, I began to interact with other students in the school more often. As a result I met new people and gained skills that have and will continue to help me in the future. In addition, I read more English books that are in English to challenge myself. [really need a transition here] To my surprise, I took on more responsibility than I could imaginethought possible . I joined a Chinese yo-yo competition, which is a competition to represent my school. This was a good decision because I was able to gain new talents to teach others who havehad difficulties with it . I began tosoon noticed many opportunities to represent my school and in further growthgrow more as an individual. I also participated in other cultural performances to bring positive attitude [this is a weird statement. do you mean school spirit?] to my school. Also joinedJoining the martial art class that was offered in the school tomy school offered helped me improve physically and mentally. I was fortunate to be offered all these skills and talents to learn from its motivation, communication, teamwork, and generosity. [LOTS of information, try making it organized a bit more. It's okay right now, but try to make it flow more.]

I sometimes considered my parent's inability [haha, nice you used the word here already.] to help me with homework, as a disappointment., [connect the first and second sentence. It has a strong negative connotation] Bb ut I realized that their challenges hadhave made me stronger. As I reflectedon these past experiences, I realize that my parents have shaped [use a different word. looks better] my dream and aspiration. My dream to show my success allowingto otherevery adolescents.I hope to inspire them to overcome their personal problems by inspiring themknowingto realize that they can study in the United States of America withand find many great successes and achievements .

Comments: Good essay overall, I get the idea that you overcame house difficulties and found ways to support your school and community through "yo-yo" ^^. About your dream, I presented it in a similar way- at the end, which I think is okay, but others disagree on.

Need to work on some more transitioning, and look at other comments

note: my comments are in brackets [], edits in red, deletions with strikes

NOTE: THIS IS JOAJACKY's ESSAY NOT MINE.

Prompt # 2- Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Among all of my qualities and talents, the most interesting one to me is my ability to learn a new language very quickly. [Of my many qualities and talents, I find most interesting my ability to learn new languages very quickly.] AboutS even years ago, I was first time transferred to a new comer school in the United States of America . I did not speakspoke n either English or Mandarin when I arrived there.; I spoke only Spanish, and understood some Chinese dialects. My parents were not able to help in learning me with English or Mandarin and so I had to learned what I could at school and on my own during my personal time . Right now,Now I can understand both English and Mandarin fairly well and my parents encourages me to keep practicing and get better.

Because of my talent with languages, I am also very good at drawing because of this talent . [A stretch..show how this is true? maybe" ...I am also very good at drawing because I am able to cross so many cultures. ^^ sounds better] There are [slang] tons of thingcountless pictures that I drew out from my imagination and; as I kept drawing, itI only gets more excitinged . During my sophomore year, I was assigned to decorate a poster for my group project. It took me four hours to finish decorating the poster andbut I loved every minute of it,as I drew thedrawing background, animals, and puttingadded the right colorings toon the entire poster.

[what is the main point of this paragraph? If it's just to state another talent that you have, you may consider taking it out, it detracts from the other part of languages.]

During tT his summer, I went to volunteered for an event in a district ofthe city of San Francisco. The event is located at a district where there are many non-English speakers, but mainlymost people are Spanish speakers. Most of the volunteers are not Spanish speakerscould not speak Spanish , and while a translator card was plannedsupposed to be passed to every volunteers during the event, but it did not happened. While I was volunteering, I came upon speaking to many people in the district in Spanish, explaining about the event and its purpose. I was totally satisfied and made the event go smoothly. [bit vain. haha ^^ but I guess they want something you're "proud" about. maybe try: I was able to assist our volunteer group translate the purpose of the event to the people. I was very satisfied that I could help make the event go smoothly. what's the event btw?] I am very proud to do my part by volunteering and see how it helped many people in the district to understand what iswas going on.

[good example. ideas are there, just need ediitng. THIS IS THE EVENT. talk more about it, focus your essay around it. show what happened, what you did, etc. Briefly mention this in an Intro. Note: you don't have one. mention in the intro, ability to translate, ability to learn languages fast, ability to help others.]

Being able to learn language quickly has made me the local translator around . Whenever my family or friends had problems with English, the first one they called would mainly be me. Most of the time, I helped them translate or gave them details. My parents too, they asked me to helped them anything that requires translation for English. [reduntant. I hope family includes parents yes?] For me, a solution can be as simple as speaking your language, but it seemedis highly difficult to them. Even though it does getWhile it is sometimes bothersome because ofto translate so many requests, but I always feltfeel both joyful and thankfulwhen beingthat I am able to use my qualitytalent to help others, and I am thankful that I have the ability to do so.

Comments: Overall, strong, keep the focus on one accomplishment, one "personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience"
I'm still confused about the drawing paragraph.

Hope you can read over my essay:

Good luck with your app!

Student Talk / For college students who use this service - have you gotten into the colleges? [21]

How many people have used EssayForum and gotten into the colleges they applied to?
And what colleges? Have you ever heard of college admission officers looking through the site?

Thanks

Undergraduate / personal essay. uc. a move changed everything or almost. [15]

prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

In elementary school, my parents encouraged me to work through math books. I thought arithmetic was a game, enjoyed it, and pushed myself to understand the concepts better. What else could be easier than working out math problems? Nothing, so I thought. Growing up in North Hills, in a community with attentive parents and strong academic programs, my education took a charitable path. It was not a breeze, but my family, teachers, and peers motivated me to study hard; over the years, they showed me the value of new technology.

Although I did not realize the importance of taking an HGM entrance exam in second grade, looking back, I know that this opportunity greatly affected my life. That test allowed me to enter the Highly Gifted Magnet programs offered at Portola Middle School and North Hollywood High School. While family friends said that continuing the HGM program at North Hollywood was too difficult and stressful, I chose to go not only because the challenge was so intriguing, but also because it built a strong student community. Through this program, I also strengthened my interest in mathematics, and developed my fascination in the sciences.

With the rich academic experience I had at North Hollywood, it was with much frustration that I moved to another school for tenth grade. This was a challenge; I could not and had no idea how to deal with the anger of moving away from my friends and school. Moreover, the atmosphere was extremely different; I followed along, kept pace with my teachers, and watched how others worked around me. I realized that if I wanted to keep ahead, I had to study more on my own.

School activities helped me cope with the transition, and I began to think seriously about what I would do with my life. I diligently kept up with my schoolwork, and made new friends through clubs, youth groups, and sports. Using the Internet and a mobile phone, I solidified relationships with my friends, many of whom I could not see on a weekly basis. I learned to balance my time more efficiently, but I still spent several sleepless nights pondering over a new dilemma. I wanted to use my smarts to help other people; I wanted to become an engineer and use my hands profitably, but I was never sure what field to pursue.

Junior year proved much better. I entered classes that I enjoyed, I liked my new teachers, and I even had the time to take an additional programming class at the local college besides my normal classes. Taking that class, as well as another one in the summer, showed me that I had a real knack for computer science. Building Java applications was like solving math puzzles-pieces had to fit; otherwise, programs would not run and solutions would not appear. When the script ran smoothly, the possibilities became endless.

In the course of these events, I discovered my passion to study both computer science and computer engineering. I plan to delve deeper into these fields and find greater insight in their application. Just as I had been able to utilize technology to share thousands of ideas with other people over the years, I now want to allow many more to discover the immense possibilities of these tools. Combining my strength in mathematics and a desire for accuracy, I know I will have a meaningful life creating avenues towards this end.

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essay so far. a bit long. im working on cutting down and maybe revising the end. thanks for any advise.