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Posts by EF_Sean
Name: Writer
Joined: Dec 9, 2008
Last Post: Oct 30, 2009
Threads: 6
Posts: 3460  
From: Canada

Displayed posts: 3466 / page 62 of 87
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EF_Sean   
Mar 21, 2009
Writing Feedback / Pygmalion Paragraph for brochure [3]

Pygmalion takes its name from a Greek myth about love and perfection presented by Bernard Shaw in this play. Where a sculptor who creates a statue of a woman so perfect that he falls in love with it and prays to his gods to make it come to life. The sculptor in this play is a man named Higgins, who believes he can mold aThis is the idea about the play where a poor flower girl from the gutter called Eliza Doolittle, who is very dirty and has no manners, and her dream is to be a better person and become a more decent, gentle girl. Then an opportunity comes to her were she hears two gentlemen called "Higgins" and "Pickering" talking about Eliza and Higgins say's that he can change her ininto a duchess. Should she grabs the opportunity or not, so she decides to grab it and goes to the two gentlemen, So Pickering challenges him claiming that Higgins can't do it and Higgins accepts the bet and the excitement begins. But the question is Can Higgins succeedreally transfer her to a duchess?or will he fail and never change her, and Will he fall in love with her or not like the myth . Go to see it in theaters now and you will find out.

You need to add another rhetorical question or two near the end, in order to build more excitement, but the above changes should get you started on your second draft.
EF_Sean   
Mar 21, 2009
Research Papers / Roman Empire: Cultural and Political Changes [4]

"cultural and political changes and continuities of the Roman Empire." If only there was some way you could track down this information online for yourself, by entering this phrase into some sort of specialized search page . . . Oh well, I guess the situation is hopeless.
EF_Sean   
Mar 21, 2009
Essays / Term paper based on "Brave New World, Nineteen Eighty-Four, and our World" [3]

You might also want to focus more on the main difference between the two novels, which is that the utopia in Brave New World is essentially benevolent and functional. It seems horrible to us, because we haven't been socialized to it, but everyone living in it is perfectly happy and content, except for Bernard. Whereas, in 1984, everyone is miserable and terrified, and realizes that they are oppressed. Also, the goals of the government in BNW are essentially "good," in that they consist of social stability and universal happiness. The goals of the government in 1984 are essentially "evil" in that they center around control and power for their own sake. You mention this, but then go on to focus mostly on the similarities between them, though, given the fundamental differences, these similarities are really only incidental. If you were to play up the differences, then, when you talk about our world today, you could say whether you think it is closer to Huxley's world or Orwell's. This approach would give you a more interesting and thoughtful essay that merely trying to say all three world's mentioned in your title are similar.
EF_Sean   
Mar 20, 2009
Essays / writing about gay couples, need ideas [4]

You might want to decide which aspect of the topic you want to write about. You could argue that it is a good/bad idea, of course, or you could simply write about how prevalent (or not) it is, what it's implications for society are, how it affects children who are taken in by gay couples, etc. That might give you a more interesting and thoughtful essay that one that merely argues that gay couples should/should not be allowed to adopt.
EF_Sean   
Mar 20, 2009
Writing Feedback / Goals: Dancer, Hairdresser, Musician [5]

Why are you writing this essay? Is it a school assignment, an admissions essay, or just for practice? Was the prompt about career goals, or just goals in general? Some more background on the assignment would be useful. As it is, I would say you should try to find some way to connect your points except for the fact that they all were jobs you wanted to investigate at some point in your life. What do these jobs have in common? What personality traits did they appeal to?
EF_Sean   
Mar 20, 2009
Undergraduate / "three unique factors" - Is my short answer response too weak? [7]

These all seem like strong factors to me. And literature is definitely a good one -- nothing shapes a person quite the way being an avid reader does. Reading opens the mind, teaches critical though, and cultivates the imagination, points you might want to mention when you are discussing it.
EF_Sean   
Mar 20, 2009
Writing Feedback / Summary and Personal Response "Hills Like White Elephants" grammar check [4]

At some point you might want to think about the two main meanings of the phrase "white elephant." It generally means "a possession unwanted by the owner but difficult to dispose of," but it comes from the idea that Indian kings would give their enemies white elephants as gifts. These animals could not be killed, for the white elephant was sacred, and their upkeep was very expensive, so it was a potentially ruinous gift. So, the original meaning of white elephant would have been something like "sacred creature."

Now, if you can tie the idea of hills into the notion of pregnancy, perhaps the title will take on a deeper meaning . . .
EF_Sean   
Mar 20, 2009
Poetry / I have to write a senses poem for my assignment ("feeling doubt") [17]

The key to writing successful metaphors is to explain the points of comparison. If you say "doubt is like spicy food" it doesn't make sense. But, if you say, "doubt burns like a spicy meal, upsetting the system and preventing all rest" it makes more sense, because you have explained how doubt is like spicy food. So, the more detail you go into, the stronger your comparisons will be.
EF_Sean   
Mar 20, 2009
Research Papers / Need some help with research "Comics in Education" [3]

Comics are all about archetypes and invented mythologies, so that gives you a couple of subjects they could be very useful in teaching. If you wanted to look at how they would be useful in teaching English, I'm not sure what you could write. I mean, they do teach new words, and may even have some vocabulary that students wouldn't have encountered before, but probably not as much as an actual novel. But maybe that's an advantage -- they're easier to interpret if English isn't your first language?
EF_Sean   
Mar 20, 2009
Essays / An essay about a movie with strong ideology [8]

An ideology is a coherent system of ideas. Objectivism, Marxism, Fascism, Feminism, etc. are all ideologies. Notice that all of these words end in "ism," which is a fairly common suffix handy for identifying ideologies. Most movies reflect the beliefs and ideas of the people who make them, so finding ideologies in movies shouldn't be that hard.
EF_Sean   
Mar 19, 2009
Essays / writing about gay couples, need ideas [4]

Consult the almighty Overmind, known in the common tongue as the INTERNET, via its holy agent, which is called Google, and your prayers shall be answered.

Or, if you are feeling really ambitious, you could go to the library, and get actual, hard copy books on the subject, and quote from them.
EF_Sean   
Mar 19, 2009
Writing Feedback / A short story draft - dirty job, "Dear Diary" comment [7]

Excellent story. But what, I wonder, is God's only death angle? Is it a right angle, or a acute one? Apart from that tiny little spelling error, though, your story is really well developed. Keep up the good work.
EF_Sean   
Mar 19, 2009
Essays / "My bad school experience" - academic paragraph [7]

Think of the ways "bad" could be defined. The experience could have been something embarrassing, physically painful, angering, or even just plain boring. The topic wasn't to write about your worst school experience, after all, so anything unpleasant that you can make interesting will do. It doesn't even have to be something bad that happened to you. It might have been something you witnessed happening to someone else that hurt you. Good luck coming up with a topic.
EF_Sean   
Mar 19, 2009
Essays / Essay on: "I am very happy to meet my mother for the first time" [6]

Is this suppose to be a realistic story, one that really could have happened to you? Or can it be any sort of story? If it can be any genre, you can have some real fun. What if its the year 3000 and you were born in a lab, so your "mother" is the technician that mixed your DNA?
EF_Sean   
Mar 19, 2009
Essays / Meaning of "Memo & Articles of association are the constitution of a limited company" [4]

Well, you need to start by researching what a constitution is and how it works. Then look at what the memo and articles of association are and how they work. Then, you can draw comparisons between the two. I'm afraid I can't really help out with the legislation question, but that's what the Internet is for.
EF_Sean   
Mar 19, 2009
Essays / Characteristics of a Dramic Script [3]

I'd say the use of "narrative" in the instructions is a mistake. You are right, it doesn't make sense, so just ignore it and follow the rest of the instructions. If you if have the time, though, check with your teacher to make sure.
EF_Sean   
Mar 18, 2009
Essays / An essay about a movie with strong ideology [8]

V for Vendetta
X-Men
The Watchmen

In fact, virtually all movies probably have a certain amount of ideological underpinnings, but those three should be fairly easy to analyze.
EF_Sean   
Mar 18, 2009
Book Reports / Hamlet Theme Essay Introduction Help [7]

It helps if you think of them as the three bears from Golidlocks -- Hamlet is too tame, Laertes too fierce, and Fortinbras just right.
EF_Sean   
Mar 18, 2009
Book Reports / Hamlet Theme Essay Introduction Help [7]

Hamlet, Laertes, and Fortinbras each fulfill the role of avenger in a different way.

Start with the above sentence, then go on to explain in detail how it is true.
EF_Sean   
Mar 18, 2009
Writing Feedback / "Lithuania Environmental problems" essay - correct my mistakes [3]

Pick a thesis statement, a clear, specific statement of what you want to argue. Do you want to argue that Lithuania has fewer problems than other countries? Or do you want to focus more on the severity of the problems it does have? Maybe you could pick a single problem, and research it in detail? At the moment, the essay jumps about from idea to idea without much to connect them.
EF_Sean   
Mar 18, 2009
Essays / Writing an essay about anything we feel dear (graphic design) [3]

Well, why don't you research the history of the development of your religion's designs? Or look at how contemporary graphic designers are incorporating them into their work? Once you've read up on the subject, you will hopefully have a good idea for a thesis statement for your, well, thesis. Or, if you already know what you want to write on specifically, start outlining the points you want to make to support you position.
EF_Sean   
Mar 18, 2009
Essays / rhetorical analysis of Martin Luther king letter from the Birimingham Jail [6]

Look at the way he uses language to generate strong emotional effects. So, in one part, he strings together several clauses each beginning with "when you" in order to show the magnitude of the injustices faced by the Black community. There are a ton of other things like this that you can find and talk about in the letter.
EF_Sean   
Mar 18, 2009
Undergraduate / Using personal pronouns and personal examples and opinions in an essay [5]

You can use "I" when talking about things that happened to you, things you did, and so on, but try to avoid redundant phrases such as "I believe," "in my opinion," etc. It is your essay, after all, so we assume that what you say in it is your opinion.
EF_Sean   
Mar 18, 2009
Essays / psychological phenomena in shrek 2 - essay question [4]

I haven't seen the movie, but I'm guessing the characters all have personalities tied to experiences in their lives that would make good material for this sort of essay. As for the cultural variables, do any of the characters have certain characteristics that would identify them with a certain cultural group?
EF_Sean   
Mar 17, 2009
Undergraduate / Unique Factors That Have Most Shaped Who You Are [6]

If you can, choose factors that can be described in the form of a tightly-written narrative anecdote. That will make writing the essay much easier. Also, try to pick three factors that demonstrate positive qualities you possess that you haven't covered in any other essay for this application.
EF_Sean   
Mar 17, 2009
Graduate / From Bioinformatics MSc In Finance [3]

If there is no obvious tie-in between the two, focus on making your reasons for changing as thoughtful and profound as possible. You might want to focus too on how your prior educational experience will give you a unique perspective on issues of finance. Good luck.
EF_Sean   
Mar 17, 2009
Scholarship / I hopefully graduate suma cum laude in Cinematography [5]

"I am a movie aficionado. The idea of presenting a story through a screen has always really intrigued me. I enjoy the two hours or so of entering into a place I never thought I could end up in. I have seen the slums of Mumbai, heard the wisdom from Benjamin Button, fought the battles with Rocky, and saw true love in Titanic. All these films were presented in such a way that influenced my life. I saw the soul in these characters and felt like I was present, and like I could achieve greatness just as they did. I believe every great movie touches people and they get a glimpse of unknown perspective." You could probably condense all of this into a single sentence and merge it with the following paragraph, if you still need to cut down on the word count.
EF_Sean   
Mar 17, 2009
Writing Feedback / Essay for TOEFL: "establishing a new university in your community" [3]

This essay already seems to be in good shape, after Tyler and Kevin's excellent advice. One thing I would add is that "However, they come together with some disadvantages such as social problems." sounds a bit odd. I mean, inasmuch as you are talking about disadvantages to the community, "disadvantages" is pretty much synonymous with "social problems." Perhaps you could substitute something more specific for "social problems?"
EF_Sean   
Mar 17, 2009
Essays / "Why do you slay the righteous?"/ Narrative Essay - Story or Narration? [13]

The use of a minor character to tell the story is always interesting. It's main advantage is that it allows you to maintain some suspense -- a story told in the first person by the main character lets us know that the main character survives and does well enough to be able to take time to write down his story. A story written in the first person by someone other than the protagonist doesn't have this problem. You also have the opportunity to play with the way the reader perceives the protagonist. A friend might approve of the protagonist's actions, for instance, even when the reader normally wouldn't, forcing the reader to reevaluate their moral assumptions.
EF_Sean   
Mar 17, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Focusing to get some sleep' - Upenn, 300-page autobiography [4]

Page 217 in an autobiography does seem like it would cover material that happens well after the age of an average student applying for an undergrad. A fictional anecdote from your future is a great idea. Just make sure it says something really positive about you as both a person and a potential student at whatever university you are applying to.
EF_Sean   
Mar 17, 2009
Undergraduate / essay on the topic "who i am"? [7]

Start with whatever you believe your most fundamental characteristics are. Maybe you believe very strongly in Objectivism, or consider yourself very compassionate. Would you be fundamentally different if you did not believe in Objectivism, or if you were not compassionate at all. By the same token, you may like heavy metal music. But, if you didn't like heavy metal music, would you be a substantially different person? More importantly, would you be different in the same way as you would be if you weren't compassionate? Once you've decide which attributes of your personality and beliefs really define you, then you can talk about your likes, dislikes, and abilities as outgrowths of those attributes and beliefs.
EF_Sean   
Mar 17, 2009
Essays / Law & Society - Essay Proposal [3]

Perhaps you might ask yourself what social harm, if any, would come from letting everyone, male and female, wander around naked if they so chose. Would there in fact be any social harm in this, or is it our insistence on viewing the human body as shameful and ugly that causes social harm? Or is there some moral reason why public nudity should be forbidden? Depending upon your answer to this, you might then look at how responses to the idea of female toplessness are either congruent with or divergent from the larger issue.

Also, you might point out that the only parts of our bodies that it is illegal to reveal in public tend to be those associated with reproduction. Presumably, then, the laws against public nudity, including female toplessness, are meant to prevent people from being exposed to sights that might inflame sexual desire. What about sexual desire, if anything, is sordid? Do these sorts of laws merely reflect an outdated, Puritanical view of sex, or did that view evolve in the first place for very good social reasons?

I don't know if this helps much, but good luck.
EF_Sean   
Mar 16, 2009
Writing Feedback / "The Right To Have an Abortion" - my argumentative paper [20]

For the introduction to any essay, start by giving any general background information on the subject you think your reader needs to know. Then, define any key terms you are going to be using. Then, present you specific thesis. Finally, summarize your key points in defense of that thesis.

The thesis itself should be specific enough for you to be able to discuss it fairly fully in your body given the length limitations you face while still being general enough to be debatable.

For the body paragraphs, start with a topic sentence, provide examples and evidence in support of that topic sentence, then end with a concluding sentence that ties your point back to your overall thesis.
EF_Sean   
Mar 16, 2009
Writing Feedback / What do you think composition is? (this is the essay title we were given) [5]

You might want to give some context in your essay. By composition, do you mean composition in general? in the visual arts? In painting specifically? The word's meaning changes somewhat depending upon what field you are applying it to. You seem to be focusing mostly on the visual arts, but you should say that explicitly in your introduction. Also, which sense of composition are you meant to discuss? You focus on the meaning "the make-up of a work of art," but it could also be taken to mean "the act of composing," in which case, you would also have to talk about what principles an artist uses to choose which elements to include, and to decide among alternatives for each one.

You might also want to turn your list into a paragraph composed of full sentences, rather than going with an almost point form outline.
EF_Sean   
Mar 16, 2009
Essays / "Why do you slay the righteous?"/ Narrative Essay - Story or Narration? [13]

If you are writing fiction, you can write from the third person omniscient point of view, which means you are free to switch between the various characters' points of view however you want, or you can write from a limited third person perspective, in which you use the third person but mostly give us only the protagonist's point of view. Or, you can use first person, either writing from the point of view of the protagonist, as in Catcher in the Rye, or from the point of view of a minor character, as in any of the Sherlock Holmes stories. Each approach has its advantages and disadvantages, so you'll have to experiment a bit to decide which one you prefer.

That's if you are writing fiction, of course. A narrative essay, however, is normally a non-fiction, or purportedly non-fiction piece written in the first person, from the essayist's point of view. In other words, you would write about an incident from your own life, describing it and reflecting on what it meant to you. This, unfortunately, means that what you have written so far is pretty much on the wrong track.

Good luck coming up with a new draft, though.
EF_Sean   
Mar 16, 2009
Grammar, Usage / The Importance of Choosing Strong Verbs [2]

One of the keys to good writing is to consistently choose strong verbs. Strong verbs are verbs that call up vivid mental images, that allow the reader to picture clearly what is being described. Sentences with weak verbs don't hold the reader's attention as well. For instance:

The fire was hot. It had many flames. The flames made the marshmallows black.

The verbs in these sentences are all weak - "was" "had" and "made" They are too general to conjure up much in the mind's eye. Now, consider this alternative.

The flames licked at the marshmallows, scorching and blackening them.

This new sentence still uses three verbs, but they are much stronger - "licked," scorching" and "blackening." The first conveys a clear sense of the flames movement, while the last two vividly demonstrate their effect.

This leads to the question of how, exactly, one comes up with strong verbs. Several methods exist. The most obvious is to scan the original sentences for nouns or adjectives that can be turned into verbs. This is the case with "black," for instance, in the example above. Another is to think of standard verbs associated with the main noun. In the case of "fire," the verb "burn" comes to mind fairly quickly. Then look up that verb in a thesaurus. This will give you a long list of potentially useful verbs that you might be able to use, including "scorch." Finally, you can think of ways you may have heard other people describe whatever it is you are describing. For instance, the verb "lick" is used in conjunction with "flames" fairly frequently, as in this news story: independent.co.uk/news/world/australasia/sydney-shrouded-in- smoke-as-bush-fires-drive-60ft-flames-into-suburbs-668080.ht ml

Bear in mind also that English differs from other languages in having many, many more words. This means that there is almost always a more specific verb that can be used in place of the generic one that first springs to mind. So, for example, in English you can run. In many languages, that would be it. If you wanted to spice up the sentence, you'd have to do it by adding adverbs, as in "he ran quickly," he ran slowly," and so on. In English, though, you can employ other verbs, instead. You can say a person sprinted, jogged, loped, dashed, scampered, scuttled, or engaged in any one of a dozen other types of running. Be careful, though. Each of these words might come up in a thesaurus if you looked up the word "run," but they are not all pure synonyms. There is a great deal of difference between the speed of someone who is sprinting and the speed of someone who is loping, and a crab is far more likely to scuttle than to scamper.

Verbs that are less common tend to be stronger, even if there isn't a particularly vivid image associated with them. So,

I took a course in physics.

isn't as good as

I enrolled in a physics course.

The reason for this is that we are so used to certain very common verbs that our minds glide over them. Also, "enrolled" may not conjure up a particularly strong mental image, but it is still more specific that "took," and the specific is always more interesting than the general.

If you want to improve your writing quickly, start by going through the first draft of anything you write, go through it, and highlight all the verbs, then try to eliminate all of the weak ones - "to be," "to have," "to do," "to go," to take," and "to make," are particularly common offenders. It may be difficult to think of replacements, but in most cases you can solve the problem with a bit of ingenuity and a lot of tenacity.

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