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Posts by vangiespen
Name: Louisa, EssayForum Contributor
Joined: Aug 22, 2014
Last Post: Feb 17, 2016
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vangiespen   
Dec 3, 2014
Undergraduate / Rewards of my continued efforts [5]

Adeyemi, that addition definitely helps clarify the paragraph more. What you need to do now is male sure that the full essay works with the addition of that new sentence. Put the essay all together and then review it for proper content and decide if you are satisfied with the v content and message of your paper. If you feel satisfied with what you have then it is ready to use. I'll just do a final check and review for you in that case.
vangiespen   
Dec 3, 2014
Research Papers / American Made Sweets - analysis paper [18]

Brianna, here's my suggestion for a thesis statement:

Every 4th of July Americans show their patriotism through food. Cooking and baking up a storm to honor our forefathers is their way of remembering our struggle against the British, they choose to symbolize this freedom through the insignia that best represents our freedom, the American flag. Over the years though various recipes have been developed for the baking of this holiday staple. The busy lifestyle of today though, has demanded that shortcuts be taken in the baking of the cake. Ready name mixes are now used in place of batter made from scratch. This analysis essay shall compare my family recipe , which uses a cake mix against another day mix recipe for the American Flag Cake. Analyzing the difference in content and flavor before deciding upon whose version is best.

I think this thesis will help you with the day mix problem. Use it as the basis of your revised essay ;-)
vangiespen   
Dec 3, 2014
Letters / In this portfolio I have included all of my work over the course of the semester [10]

I can't answer for the heading format because that depends upon the format your professor requires. As far as I can tell, it has all the required elements for a cover letter. I hope my suggested revisions really helped you out. Don't worry if you fall asleep or get busy with other stuff, we can always pick up where we left off :-) When you revise this paper, keep the objectives in mind and you should be fine :-) We can continue to revise as you see fit.
vangiespen   
Dec 3, 2014
Graduate / Personal Statement assistance for admission into graduate school for Speech Pathology [2]

The requirements that you presented for this essay does not fall under a personal statement. Rather, it is a statement of purpose for enrollment in graduate school. Considering the basic requirements for such an application essay, I can already tell that your essay provides too much information for it. You have quite a number of unnecessary information in this version that you have to get rid of. You can already see how much shorter the essay will be if you simply answer the required portions of the essay. Here is a simpler version of the information that you need to include in this essay:

1. Your current work experience and how long you have worked in this field.
2. Your reasons for applying to graduate school (job promotion, change of career, etc.)
3. Your relevant work and training experience.
4. A short presentation of your college background. Concentrate on presenting your current training and seminars attended in relation to your current position and masters degree intentions.

5. How completing the masters program will help you attain your short and long term career goals.

Your current essay sounds more like a personal statement for enrollment in a college major instead of a statement for a masters degree application. A quick rewrite should fix that :-)
vangiespen   
Dec 3, 2014
Undergraduate / It's not easy repeating your name several times over when someone asks you for it. [6]

I have a different take on your central ID essay. Have you given any thought to writing the essay about being different based upon the foundation of your unique name? The difficulty in pronouncing your name can be the basis of your central identity. How you identify as being different in a special way. Then relate your experiences about those times in your life when a person who could not pronounce your name ended up admiring you, not because of your name, but because of what you were able to accomplish differently than the others? That would be a unique take on this type of essay and play in directly with what you said ;

not many people are named "Srikanth".

I guess my name symbolizes a trait. Being different.

I really see that as the hook that is sure to catch the attention of the reader and make them want to learn more about the person with a name that is very difficult to pronounce.
vangiespen   
Dec 3, 2014
Letters / In this portfolio I have included all of my work over the course of the semester [10]

Brianna, try this on for size. I revised the wording in the essay to make it more direct to the point and allow you to sound more confident.

In this portfolio I have included all of my work over the course of the semester. I have arranged my work in order of which styles of writing I am most familiar with to what I am least familiar with. I feel as though my range of writing has broadened significantly because I now know how to write in certain styles that, before this class, I'd never even heard of.
I am most familiar with the literacy narrative style of writing because it resembles a typical narrative, in which I am fairly good at. Incorporating the literacy aspect was a little challenging; however, I found a way to incorporate how I learned to love to write while still being able to tell a story. I talk a lot, so when prompted with a narrative assignment, I jump for joy! I encountered a bit of trouble with length as well. After taking some time to overlook my narrative and consider different aspects of the story, I learned how to elaborate more in depth and get my paper to the required length and then some.

- This portfolio contains all of the written work covered this semester arranged from what I feel are my strongest papers to my weakest papers. The essays will show that I have broadened my writing range significantly over the past months due to my newfound familiarity with various writing styles of which I was previousy unfamiliar with.

I am most familiar with the literacy narrative style of writing because it resembles a typical narrative, in which I am fairly good at. Incorporating the literacy aspect was a little challenging; however, I found a way to incorporate how I learned to love to write while still being able to tell a story. I talk a lot, so when prompted with a narrative assignment, I jump for joy! I encountered a bit of trouble with length as well. After taking some time to overlook my narrative and consider different aspects of the story, I learned how to elaborate more in depth and get my paper to the required length and then some.

- Being most comfortable and familiar with the literacy narrative style of writing due to its similarities with the typical narrative, which is my most proficient writing style. It took some adjustment on my part before I got a good handle of how to write in this narrative style, eventually finding the balance that still allowed me to tell a story within a given length. In developing this writing style, I learned how to consider my narrative in relation to the required length of words.

I've listed the profile second in my portfolio because I've written papers similar to this style of writing. While I've never specifically interviewed someone, I've done a lot of writing on specific people and their lives. I feel as though this style of writing broadened the, formerly narrow, technique that I've learned. I interviewed my friend for this paper and I found it somewhat difficult to gather the correct information I needed because I was not sure what questions to ask her. After I figured these out, however, I was able to interview my friend with ease. The interview went very smoothly because we know each other very well. I was able to predict most of her answers, although, there was a lot I learned about her that I was surprised I didn't already know. I really appreciated this assignment because it gave me a chance to view my friend from a different perspective.

- My second developed writing skills covers the profile style of writing. This paper, which is similar to an autobiographical paper allowed me to gain a different kind of learning experience by interviewing a person in relation to a given topic. I learned how to gather necessary information through interviews and follow up questions that would help to shed more light and information about given assumptions. For this essay, I interviewed my friend and discovered that while I knew a lot of things about the person, there was more to be learned about her on a personal level. Thus allowing me to view my friend from a different perspective afterwards. Profile writing helped me learn that we cannot trust everything that we think we know about a person because there will always be more to learn about him once you take the time to actually talk to the person.

The next paper in my portfolio is my position paper. I have never done a paper like this before, believe it or not. However, I had a lot of fun writing it. I learned a lot about the different preferences people have towards box and scratch cake mixes. I also learned a lot about certain things inside of box mixes that I never even considered. I, again, had a bit of trouble figuring out how to lengthen it, but I was soon able to come up with some other aspects of the debate that I'd only briefly discussed. I found it fairly simple to argue my opinion because I am a very opinionated person. I have been told by my dad that I should be a lawyer because I am very good at arguing, so this paper gave me no trouble in that department.

- The position paper, which is third in my list was the most fun paper that I had to write this semester because it allowed me the freedom to discuss something I am highly familiar with, baking. I compared the various cake mixes as opposed to cakes backed from scratch and debated upon its efficiency in delivering the final product. I was given a chance to argue my personal opinion and being highly opinionated, I took the chance to present my point of view on paper.

I've placed my analysis paper last because, not only have I never written one, but I did not quite grasp the concept of writing it. I am most disappointed in this paper as well because I feel like I have the God-given potential to write a well-written piece, I just wasn't familiar with the concept of an analysis. I found it relatively easy to talk about baking because I love to bake. Unfortunately, it was difficult for me to find sources for my paper and for me to write in a style that I don't completely understand. I've learned that I really need to become more familiar with the style of writing I am attempting before I attempt it. I hope I will gain more experience in this style of writing so that I can broaden my writing skills even further.

- Finally, I present you with my analysis paper not because it is my weakest point, but because, having never written one, I was not quite sure if I was able to grasp the concept of this writing style. It was easy to discuss baking because i love to bake, but since I did not really understand the requirements of the written work, I was unable to develop the paper properly. Therefore I have decided that I will keep practicing this writing style until I get it right. I will do that in the hopes of continuing to broaden my writing talents and horizons.

As you can see wordiness does not equate to confidence. This cover letter is actually the final part of your writing lesson. That is why it had to evoke a higher sense of learning, understanding, and presentation when compared to the other papers you have already written. I hope you approve my suggested changes :-)
vangiespen   
Dec 2, 2014
Letters / In this portfolio I have included all of my work over the course of the semester [10]

Brianna, the rules are one topic per thread so I do not really know if the MOD will allow the letter to stay on this thread. I will give it a few minutes before I try to advise you about the letter because if they choose to delete the thread, my response might be deleted as well. If you can tell me what your cover letter must contain, I should be able to review it in the proper manner. Sorry about that but cover letters are a bit tricky and unless I know what the letter is for, I won't really know what to do with it or how to review it :-)

In the meantime, try to think yourself as a judge on Chopped. See how they taste the food and then give a critique of what is good or bad about the dish? That is exactly how your analytical essay about this cake or sweets is supposed to go. I am glad we have that in common. I think it will be easier for me to explain what you need to do now :-)
vangiespen   
Dec 2, 2014
Graduate / "A programmer? No way!" - That was my response up until I met my programmer teacher in high school [7]

Nick, what computer programming activities were you involved in prior to your enrollment in college? Did you win any prizes or participate in any competitions and seminars that further fueled your desire to become a programmer? Please discuss those points in order to strengthen you foundation in computers. More importantly, you need to connect your academic interests with your chosen major and the course curriculum of the school. You need to mention which computer education programs of the school appeal directly to your interests and why. Remember, you are trying to convince them that there is no other school that can help you achieve your dreams and ambitions in the field. So you have to help them visualize how their academic program applies to your own goals and ambitions.

The essay has improved, but it is still too long and wordy. Offering information that can be compressed or deleted. Try to revise the essay using my advice above. Concentrate on the most important aspects of the essay response and everything should work out fine :-)
vangiespen   
Dec 2, 2014
Undergraduate / Enjoying the summer in my Gramma's house [5]

Adrea, I agree that you wrote a very good essay that unfortunately, does not address the prompt in the proper manner. You spend a great deal of the essay describing the activities that you enjoy rather than describing the place where you feel most content and why. From what I gather, the place that you feel most content is at your grandmother's house. Skip the introduction about the coffee percolating, etc. Skip directly to a description of your grandmother's house and the activities that you do there. Your statement about the way the family comes together at the house is a nice touch and plays directly into the essay prompt. Just revise the introduction. The rest of the essay works perfectly well with the prompt :-)
vangiespen   
Dec 2, 2014
Letters / In this portfolio I have included all of my work over the course of the semester [10]

Brianna, don't worry about the timezone. I will stay up with you for as long as need be. I have to warn you though that I might have to step away from the computer for a bit but I will be in touch via tablet. I'll be happy to review your letter for you if you can point me towards the link in your signature card on the forum. Remember, analyze the recipes. That means the ingredients and baking style. The difference in flavor and texture can be done last. Perhaps you can visualize the difference in the taste of the two products based on the recipe? Imagine yourself a contestant on the Food Network show Chopped. How do you think those different ingredients would taste when mixed together? Use that as part of your analysis since you don't have the time to bake the other recipe at this point :-)
vangiespen   
Dec 2, 2014
Research Papers / American Made Sweets - analysis paper [18]

Brianna, rather than hypothesizing about what the essay should contain, write something down either in outline or draft essay form so that we will have something more solid to discuss and compare. If you used mixes then say so. The difference between the recipes will depend and be reflected in the way you analyze the method by which the cake was made and how it could quite possible taste. We can spin our wheels all night discussing possible content but unless you create something solid for review, I don't see how else I can help you develop, revise, and analyze this essay.
vangiespen   
Dec 2, 2014
Research Papers / American Made Sweets - analysis paper [18]

Brianna, you can definitely use baking as the basis of your analysis. Look up American Flag cake recipes on the internet and analyze one of those recipes in comparison to yours. Compare the baking styles and discuss how the difference in baking results in different cake textures, flavors, etc. Focus on an analysis of the difference in ingredients and procedure. That usually results in different cake batters and finished product textures. Analyze the way the would differ in flavor and texture because of the differing ingredients and baking style. Don't fret, don't confuse yourself. Focus on the requirements of an analysis essay and find a way to connect it to your chosen topic. I already gave you a few pointers regarding how to do that. I am sure you can find other aspects that I would not be familiar with since I would rather buy a cake than bake a cake :-) I'll be here to back you up and calm you down whenever you need it.
vangiespen   
Dec 2, 2014
Undergraduate / "Duality". The 'Why Columbia?' Supplement Essay Tips? [13]

Tecjoon, my apologies for thinking that you are an exchange student. To clarify the third instruction, I noticed that you mentioned the city where the university is located offers a host of learning opportunities for people such as yourself. That is why I suggested that you discuss the city as a part of the non-academic (out of school) educational process that can help you further develop a well rounded education. By doing so you will be able to present all the facets of Columbia University, the campus community, and its adjoining town or city communities as integral parts of your education. This makes the reasons for choosing Columbia clearer and logical to the reader.

By the way, you can call me Louisa and the best of luck to you :-)
vangiespen   
Dec 2, 2014
Research Papers / American Made Sweets - analysis paper [18]

On the contrary, you ended you ended up writing a process essay instead. In this case, you should make a clear claim regarding American made sweets. Perhaps something along the lines of "American Made Sweets Taste Better when Home Made". Under such a claim / thesis, you can analyze the way the sweets commercially made and home made differ in procedure when creating the product. Compare the two, offering your own opinion of what makes one process better than the other. Thus effectively placing an analysis within the essay and using your own home made recipe and personal stories for the essay as well. That will offer a solid and informed discussion to the reader.
vangiespen   
Dec 2, 2014
Research Papers / American Made Sweets - analysis paper [18]

Your teacher is right Brianna. Your essay is nowhere near an analysis essay. It is more of a mix between a creative and process essay. I put together a quick instruction manual for you about how to write an analytical essay. Follow this simple format and your essay should at least fall within the requirements of an analytical essay. The content of the essay though, is all up to you :-)

1. Ask yourself what the objective of your analytical essay is. It should either delve into discussing an issue or present an opinion. You can also analyze a film , novel, or speech. These are some basic topics that can be covered in analytical essay. Support your discussion through research and/or personal opinions.

2 When you already know what you want to write about, develop your thesis statement. This will be the basis of your analytical essay discussion.

3. Find evidence to support your claims and then discuss each supporting claim as an individual paragraph. Use quotes or paraphrasing whenever necessary.

4. Conclude your essay and remember to proofread for grammatical errors and sentence structure problems.
vangiespen   
Dec 2, 2014
Undergraduate / Enjoying the summer in my Gramma's house [5]

Andrea, the essay has a problem with tenses as you keep on using present tense for past events. You also have some grammatical errors in an otherwise interesting essay. These two observations that I made are only the start of the problem with your essay. The main problem of your essay is that without the essay prompt / instructions, I am unable to review the essay for content and relevance. You must always provide the essay prompt and instructions at the top of the page when you submit an essay for review so that we can have some guidelines regarding the expectations from your essay response. Kindly provide those instructions as soon as you can so that I can offer you a solid, relevant, and usable review of your essay. Thanks !
vangiespen   
Dec 2, 2014
Undergraduate / 'joyous heart' - A Student's Plea of Character - Common App extra info [4]

Nocholas, the main problem with your essay is that the message is not clear. It is almost as if you took a thesaurus and let it explode all over the page. The essay is tremendously wordy and uses numerous big words that do not really help to clarify or present the idea you wish to put across. Here is a tip that I always give my students: use simple words. There is no need to impress the academic officer with the use of confusing vocabulary words which you may or may not be using properly. Since the issue you wish to discuss in this matter is your grade in relation with your love for learning, then do just that. If your grades are low even though you are studious, then explain why that is so. You need to clearly state the case you are presenting in this essay and why. Right now, it sounds like you are trying to write the great English novel without any clear concept. Keep it simple. Don't try to pass yourself off as a high brow intellectual. Your grades and other documents submitted with your application should be able to prove that. Revise the overall essay and present yourself as a student with a deep interest and love for learning. No more, no less.
vangiespen   
Dec 2, 2014
Writing Feedback / Dream, the only harmless drug in the world - gap year explanation [14]

I edited it down to 580 words for you. I hope you like this version :-)

Dreams, the only harmless drug in the world. I grew up a dreamer. A dreamer, who was surrounded by images of slum girls who were not as lucky as I was in life. While I grew up with the opportunity to afford the best education, these girls did not. After I graduated, I suffered from an "academic burnout" just like the other high school graduates. Thus, I took a gap year to recharge my batteries and follow my dreams. While others taking a gap year took off for foreign adventures, I went to the slums to fulfill the dreams of my addiction, that of helping to educate the slum girls. I allowed myself to be hooked on that drug, a drug that harmlessly taught me about social disparity and the need for more quality education in my country.

My gap year started by teaching slum girls at a local school. This wasn't a smooth task. Their parents were devoid of hope and reluctant to let their daughters study rather than work as maids or marry in their early teens. With twelve teachers and even more volunteers I marched off to slum areas, encouraging the girls to consider education. We made various posters and recited stories of inspiring world leaders for our fifteen minute conversation at each area. After three days of awareness campaign, I expected around twenty to thirty students; I was overjoyed watching fifty eight turning up at the school. They were not only girls, but women in their thirty's and forty's, all with different faith and religion, though with the same motto- Education.

At first, they couldn't even hold a pencil. Girls, who once worked as maids, now had aspirations of becoming doctors, engineers, and even social workers. This valuable experience has made me more responsible towards our society. I realized how gifted I am to have the power of education.The experience infused me with leadership qualities and patience. Working with people of different ages has developed my compatibility and maturity. Dealing with kids was one of the difficult and fragile aspects, and it was a no exception in my case. Teaching them, especially in their own quirky ways has made me adapt quickly to various methods and situations. I became aware of their psychology and the caring attitudes that one needs to adopt for not only kids but people of all ages.

These girls, unknowingly, took us into their own carefree world and transmitted positive energy to all of our team. At the end of my term, few girls came and told how they have enrolled in a local school with our support and guidance, and gifted a handmade card with caption- "Thank You Teacher". For a moment, I felt like an angel who fulfilled a wish of a child; a feeling every teacher experiences. However, I knew that these girls were the real teachers during those days. I envisage them in white shirts and blue skirts writing their own future someday. Watching these girls with several aspirations, with my education I wish to eradicate illiteracy and create an educational base for every child possible.

Now, I feel completely ready for all the obstacles and challenges in my upcoming college life. This year has rejuvenated me and added confidence to conquer my goals. I wouldn't have gained diverse knowledge, if I would have ignored this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Surely, the rest of my gap year has a lot lessons in store, guiding to the next step- my college life.

vangiespen   
Dec 2, 2014
Undergraduate / My Chinese name - Yueqiao, brings my weapons to make me grow and my bridges across the world! [6]

Amanda, I definitely misunderstood some parts of your essay. Thanks for clarifying those parts for me. That said, you are asking if your essay is effective in a more simple manner or if your wordiness using Chinese poetry is more effective. The answer is yes and no to both. You need to balance it out better by going direct to the point. Admissions officers do not have the time to spend wading through your flowery words. They have more more essays waiting to be analyzed on their plate along with yours. Try to revise the essay to be more direct to the point. Here is what I suggest you do, keep the meaning of your name and the closing description. Clarify the middle points. Are you living n France now? How exactly did English help you bridge this gap? the essay is now actually quite confusing since I already know what you are trying to convey as your main message. The essay does not work in the way that you expected it to but it can be revised towards doing what you want it to :-)
vangiespen   
Dec 2, 2014
Graduate / MASTERS SOP: Entomology/Ecology! [4]

Erin, while your essay presents you as a viable candidate for graduate school, it is actually providing too much unnecessary information at this point. Please refer below for the basic information that is normally expected to be presented in a statement of purpose for graduate school. The information will include:

1. Your current work position and how long you have been connected with your current company;
2. The field of interest that you are interested in mastering in relation to your current work;
4. Your goals and ambitions related to your desire to complete higher studies. (How a masters degree will help you in your current career.);
5. Your short and long term career goals that will be benefited by your completion of masters studies and how you plan to use your studies in the future.

All of this information should cover the 1000 word maximum count covering 2 pages in single space. Try to have your essay represent only these interests. Your past childhood memories / experience and anything during your college life are not really relevant to the essay. In fact, your college education should only be mention in the form of your university and the major you graduated from. A statement of purpose is all about your future career plans in relation to your current work experience, seminars, training, and other work related activities you have recently attended. This is not supposed to be a blast from the past essay. Look forward, not backward when writing this and you will definitely make a good impression on the admissions officer.
vangiespen   
Dec 2, 2014
Undergraduate / My working experience in New York - FIT Fashion Merchandising, from The Netherlands. [11]

Name dropping will work only if you think these people will actually remember who you are in case FIT decides to call these people to verify the claims in your essay. If you are confident that these people will back your application up, then go ahead. You also need to inform these people beforehand that you used them as a reference in your essay just in case they are contacted. In such cases, I strongly advise that you double check the information you placed regarding your work relationship with these people and magazines and ensure that you are telling only the 100% absolute truth because any false claims (and I am not saying you are making any) in your paper will not only be detrimental, but anathema to your application. False information in a college application will be an outright denial and blacklisting of your name as a future re-applicant. I am not privy as to whether FIT double checks the information you present to them when name dropping specific people and magazines but I really believe you should be cautious about using these names and magazines in case your work with them was not as memorable as you believed it to be. Also, be more respectful of these professional designers and photographers, address them as Ms. (last name) and not so casually by their first name.

Activities and accomplishments as required in this essay include only academic and hands-on or internship experience. That does not include sightseeing in New York and how you set up your apartment. That is not relevant to your application unless you are an interior design school applicant which you are not. So skip any reference to such topics in your essay.

Writing it as a story is okay provided you provide all the required answers to their questions. I am trying to help you do just that :-) You still have room in your word count to only add relevant information and expand upon it, but also to delete unnecessary information for the betterment of your essay.
vangiespen   
Dec 2, 2014
Graduate / "Economics is a study of mankind in the ordinary business of life." M.A accounting change major. [4]

Reza, are you trying to write a statement of purpose for a masters in accounting? Would you kindly clarify if you need to present your purpose for higher learning or if you are wanting to change college majors? I believe that specifying the required prompt in this case will definitely helps us assess your quite wordy essay for clarity and required information. You do not really to delve all the way to the day you were born when writing essays.

The information it contains depends upon the prompt or question coming from the university. I believe you have written a general essay that has tried to cover too much information and in the process, will end up less than effective in responding to the prompt and strengthening your chances of getting into the university or change of major of your choice. I really see quite a number of portions where the essay can be edited and revised for content, and also clean up the grammar a bit. Before I can launch into helping you with those obvious problems in the essay, I need to know what direction to head in first. So please, provide the prompt and clarify whether it is a statement of purpose or a simple change of major for college. Thanks :-)
vangiespen   
Dec 2, 2014
Undergraduate / Syracuse University - I knew that this school was everything and more than what I dreamt of. [6]

John, your statement is good but in my opinion, very generic in content. The influence that you should have discussed in this case, since you chose the school itself, should have been more specific. A discussion of the academic aspect of the school in relation to your major would have been in order. Discussing how you are familiar with the course syllabus for your course and look forward to attending classes by specific mentors at the university would have been a nice touch. Then of course, a more specific presentation of how the student community and its activities influenced you during your visit to the university would have been better than the simple interest that you show now. Talk about some of the student activities that caught your interest and how the well balanced academic and social activities of the school will help you ensure that you excel in both fields as you develop your professional traits.

Try to address this essay as seriously as possible even though it is only an additional essay in your app package. Remember, every essay you fill out, if written properly and with the serious intention of getting admitted, helps with your consideration as a candidate.
vangiespen   
Dec 2, 2014
Essays / A "unique" person that can bring something new to the school, and get accepted. Is it me? [3]

You definitely do not want to write this paper in letter form. No college application papers should be written in letter form unless specified. For an introductory essay, you must, as the prompt specifies, choose 3 of your best qualities and discuss these in the paper. The first quality you should discuss is your being an honor student and how that has affected your ability to have a balanced academic and social life. Are you a member of the school choir? Remember, you do not "play" a baritone, you "sing" the part in the choir or as a soloist. Play up the successful activities that you participated in as a member of the choir. Lastly, discuss your leadership abilities as most universities look for those traits in students. You may not be a school jock but you can still be a leader through any volunteer activities you might have or even simply as an older sibling in your family. How do you positively influence your siblings?

The format should be as follows:

1. Introduction - give an overview of your personality, who you are, where you are from, and the kind of family that you come from.

2. Body 1 - Discuss your honor student qualities and how it helps you achieve in life.

3. Body 2 - Singing the baritone part and what your experience in the choir has taught you about life, team building, team work, etc.

4. Body 3 - Leadership qualities as explained above.

5. Conclusion - Sum up your qualities into the most positive requirement that a student at this university should have. Align it with the core values of the school if they have any.

Use the outline above to draft your first version and we can work on improving it into its final form.
vangiespen   
Dec 2, 2014
Undergraduate / Discovery of my potential. Luckily my practice hits perfection, after the third term I was promoted. [12]

Adeyemi, this is not really an effective answer to the prompt. Think of the response to this as something similar to the "when have you challenged an idea and why?" prompt. There was really nothing in the essay that showed any idea or point of view that changed on your part after your failure in science class. In fact, the story is incomplete and incoherent because those details were not clearly presented by merely implied. Think of another topic to answer this essay with. Perhaps a topic relating to how your opinion of a person changed, or how your perspective on a certain national issue changed. There are a number of interesting topics that you can discuss in relation to this prompt. You just have to find one that you feel comfortable discussing :-)
vangiespen   
Dec 2, 2014
Undergraduate / My Chinese name - Yueqiao, brings my weapons to make me grow and my bridges across the world! [6]

Thank you for clarifying those details Amanda. Don't worry about your essay then. It works well as a personal statement / essay because you offer the reader an inside look at your emotions, thoughts, and actions. It offers a look at a side of you that the other common app prompts will definitely not touch upon. So now all I need to do is help you clean up the grammatical errors in the essay. Let's get started :-)

- My Chinese name is Wu Yue-qiao. The combination of Chinese characters in my name basically means to "a weapon to surpass bridges". My parents raised me with the meaning of my name in mind. Thus, they have always encouraged me to be a brave warrior who is capable of defending herself while walking the path towards happiness with dignity and pride.

-Sometimes more can be said when you properly combine sentences in order to create a coherent thought process :-)

My parents chose English as my first weapon. Living in a small city in China, I was simply so excited to talk with people with blond hair and blue eyes. I jumped at my English study.

However, memorizing vocabularies and reciting movie dialogues all by myself were dull and tiring for a five-year-old kid. Schools and homework were usually finished at eight p.m., and I still had hours of music practice every day. I couldn't help slacking. Under strict family supervision, I studied English for two hours every day and grasped all the time when other children were watching cartoons and playing toys.

Yet when the first Native American I encountered in streets firmly insisted that I was raised in the US, I felt happier and prouder than ever. I was ten years old. Somehow, I started to expect my English hours every day.

- Recognizing the need to properly arm me for the educational battle that lay ahead for me, my parents chose to arm me with the best weapon that they knew, the knowledge of the English language. It was their understanding that as a warrior, I would be able to use the language to help me get ahead in life and open up my world to a wider net of learning. I immersed myself in the study of English for 2 hours everyday, memorizing vocabularies and getting lost in the English visual world through cartoons and American educational toys. Keep in mind that I was only five years old at the time and already becoming a foreigner in my motherland. The proof that I was becoming a stranger in China came when an American who spoke to me when I was but a small child insisted that I was raised in the U.S. because I spoke the language so well. Making my parents and I proud of what we accomplished using language. So when I turned 10 my parents decided to move to the United States, I was giddy with excitement and proud that I would finally be able to put what i learned to better use.

- Now living in the United States, I became even more exposed to the Western way of speaking and understanding their culture in relation to it. It was totally different from the way Easterners did things. Slowly, English became the bridge that closed the gap between my two worlds. At the age of 12, I threw myself totally into the study of the English language and then, dived into the study of another language, French hoping to be admitted to L'Alliance Francaise at the age of 14. I was hurt when my application was turned down due to my young age. They could not understand that I simply wanted to widen my horizons and build better bridges with my friends by learning a new language.

- After meeting with the principal of the French school though, I was able to convince them that I had the ability to learn French just as easily as I learned English. Impressed with my almost native English speaking abilities, I was allowed to enroll in French classes, an exception that was made because of my ability to speak in English.That was when I realized that English was truly the weapon of choice for me. Just as my parents had envisioned, the language was bridging gaps and offering me a chance at opportunities that otherwise would not have existed.

- The essay is starting to become redundant. We are only establishing that your ability to speak English has helped you build bridges. You can already skip this part. You have established a tremendous amount of positive information about you already. The secret to an effective essay is always to say what you need to say quickly and with as little words as possible.
vangiespen   
Dec 2, 2014
Undergraduate / Educational goal ; Engineering interests ; Waterloo AIF [2]

Michael, in my opinion, your response to the first essay prompt is not applicable to the question being asked. Your response should have been more along the lines of what you know about Waterloo as an educational institution that is similar to your educational goals. This means that you have to present your academic goals in relation to the values and objectives of Waterloo as a school. Those are the reasons why you chose to enroll or apply for acceptance at Waterloo. It has nothing to do with your grade school and high school experience and development of your interest in Computer Engineering. We need to talk about the reasons why you think Waterloo will best serve the purpose of teaching you how to be the best computer engineer that you can be.

Your response to the second prompt is even more problematic and very weak because you portrayed yourself as a clueless student who is only following the dictates and influences of your best friend, which are very bad reasons for choosing a college major because that means your rate of success will be almost null. Avoid any negative references to yourself and only discuss the development of your interest and exposure to your chosen field. It will not help your case to make the admissions officer think that you are only following in the footsteps of someone else in choosing your degree.
vangiespen   
Dec 1, 2014
Undergraduate / "Of My Own Will"; 'sickening smell of isoform, antiseptics, and the scent of "Get Well" flowers' [2]

If you want to tie this essay into a business major, you should not be discussing such a highly complicated science and medicine related story. At this point, the essay works well on its own and, since it is a common app essay, does not need to tie in directly with your chosen major. In fact, stay away from the discussion of your chosen major totally. That is not required of this essay and is therefore unnecessary content. The essay is coming across as quite wordy at this point and does not really get get to the idea or belief that you challenged until almost the very end. I strongly suggest that you move that idea up to the start of the essay as the "hook" that will help bring the reader into the story that you are trying to tell. You can tell the story as a flashback for more effectiveness. Don't worry about the word count for now. Just completely tell the story and use some, if not all the suggestions that I made so that we can better align it with the prompt and then edit it for the proper word count by combining sentences or paragraphs.
vangiespen   
Dec 1, 2014
Undergraduate / The life of an immigrant that came to the US, but was terrified [9]

Mahnmoud, the main consideration that I have for reviewing your essay, which is far above the questions you want to learn answers to is this, "What is the prompt you are trying to answer?" Given the proper prompt in reference to your questions, I can better analyze the content of the essay and establish the weak and strong points of your work. I can also offer suggestions for further improvement and strengthening of your essay. Your concerns are notable and must be addressed but only after we have established that the essay is actually in line with the prompt requirements. I definitely suggest that you upload the prompt for this essay because at this point I am not sure if we are discussing a personal or central identity essay. Those two essay, though similar in content, have highly different thrusts in terms of their central theme. It often confuses the students so I want to make sure that you are not confused about it :-) Deal with the content first, word count last.
vangiespen   
Dec 1, 2014
Undergraduate / "Duality". The 'Why Columbia?' Supplement Essay Tips? [13]

Tecjoon, just to give you a push in the right direction. Consider writing about the following:

1. The academic capacity of the school to enhance your existing knowledge. Discuss the subjects and professors that excite you the most when you think about studying at Columbia.

2. Talk about the student community and its extra curricular activities. Discuss how you plan on adding your own unique touch to the student experience.

3. The location of the school is not too important but the town that surrounds the community may be a part of your non-academic education and should be worth at least 3 sentences to mention. After all, that is part of the beauty of being an exchange student.
vangiespen   
Dec 1, 2014
Graduate / "A programmer? No way!" - That was my response up until I met my programmer teacher in high school [7]

Nick, what you wrote was an essay that answers the prompt but not in a complete manner because you concentrated solely on your academic development. The essay wishes to have you discuss the well-rounded development of your interest in computer programming. That means you do not use dialogue in the essay but instead describe how your interest in the field of computer programming grew. Showing the foundation of the interest from say, the day you got your first laptop or your first computer class at school. There is no need to discuss your academic achievements, where you graduated, or anything else relating to your academic background because the admissions officer will definitely refer to your transcript of records for a more accurate analysis of your academic qualifications. The contents of your essay are just a redundancy that will not interest the admissions officer in reading any further into your paper.

What you have to do at this point is revise the essay to adhere more closely to the prompt. That means you tell the reader about your early interest in computers and programming and then what subjects are interested in and how the university you are applying to can help you achieve the kind of success that you envision. You do that by mentioning specific classes you want to take, mentors you look forward to working with, and internships you would like to participate in. Even a social activity reference would help help this particular essay. Care to have another go at the essay? I'm sorry about having you revise the whole paper but that is the only way to make it properly respond to the prompt.
vangiespen   
Dec 1, 2014
Undergraduate / My working experience in New York - FIT Fashion Merchandising, from The Netherlands. [11]

The essay has definitely improved but it still needs a lot of work. There are quite a number of loopholes that need to be plugged before this essay is even ready for final editing. I hope you can stick with me as we clean it up :-)

My parents and I just finished talking, they looked extremely sad and dissapointed.. I remember those faces extremely well, it's my motivation in times I feel like I want to give up.

That day I told them I want to quit high school and attend the fashion design school in a city an hour away. Of course they didn't agree with that because it was my second last year before graduating. I knew that this was the best decision, and 5 years later it definitely was the best decision that I've made.

- This opening paragraph would have been more effective if you had developed a sentence or two referring to your interest in fashion from an early age. Remember, you are supposed to present the foundation of your interest in fashion. That is clearly lacking in your essay.

I absolutely learned a lot about the garment industry

- Such as? Be specific. Mix your academic qualifications with your internships and extra curricular. You need to show how you fit into the FIT educational system.

It was a four year program with an internship every year. I absolutely learned a lot about the garment industry and did some great internships at dutch designers like Marcha Hüskes. When I interned for Marcha Hüskes we went to Paris for Paris Fashion Week and learned a lot about the international buying business since we were there to sell the collection at a trade show.

- What were your duties in relation to the major you are applying to? Double check your paragraph for capitalization errors (dutch instead of Dutch)

In my second year I participated a national fashion design competition called MAFB and with the two collections with each eight outfits I won the second place of this competition which definitely motivated me to push myself to work harder and be better.
The comfort zone is definitely not where I want to be and so I decided to pack my bags and do an eight month internship at Rebecca Minkoff in New York City.

- Clarify the beginning of this paragraph. Who owned the two collections you speak of? Did you photograph it? How did you win the internship in New York? These are all qualifications that can be considered during your screening process.

18 March 2013 was the day I hugged my family goodbye and when my New York adventure started. After a week of exploring the city, getting adjusted in my super small 'shoebox' apartment, I was ready to start my internship at Rebecca Minkoff.

- Let me remind you for the second time not to waste your word count on irrelevant information such as when you arrived in New York and the size of your apartment. The admissions officer has no interest in this. Rephrase the paragraph to include the date you arrived in New York and then go directly to a description of the internship.

I told Christy how I felt about working for Rebecca Minkoff and immediately she called the studio manager to set up the paperwork for me.
Working for Christy was great, I assisted a lot of photoshoots and she teached me a lot about the fashion industry. I worked on photoshoots for Elle Magazine, Lane Bryant, Condé Nast and many more.. The highlight of the Internship was assisting a photoshoot for Vogue with Lena Dunham on the cover and Annie Leibovitz as the photographer.

- What impressed Christy about you so much that she stole you away from your then current internship? This is too vague and only name drops celebrities, which does not impress anybody in this case. You are trying to sell your talents, skills, and leadership abilities, I have yet to see any references to that throughout the essay.

Also I do have strong leadership skill, I am good in communicating and have a great positive mindset which helped me to achieve a lot at a young age. I feel that FIT represents all of that and that's why the FIT will be perfect for me.

- There is no evidence of this leadership skill in relation to your chosen major in this essay. When you make a claim, back it up with evidence. Show a leadership side to you in one of the many paragraphs and activities that you have presented.
vangiespen   
Dec 1, 2014
Undergraduate / I truly embraced service to my community throughout high school and will continue to do so [2]

Marcus, do not offer information that is not being asked for in the essay. You are only allotted 150 words to provide your personal definition of the words progress and service. Don't confuse the issue by discussing your volunteer work and how you hope to continue it int he future at Georgia Tech. Instead, fully discuss your personal understanding of the word. First give the words meaning and then discuss them in terms of action. That is how this kind of essay works more effectively. Don't deviate by discussing the activities you plan to participate in. That is not required and is irrelevant in this essay.
vangiespen   
Dec 1, 2014
Undergraduate / "Curious" was the mostly used adjective in reference to me - personal essay [4]

In that case, write this personal essay without any reference to your chosen major. Any writing supplements relating to that should be able to address your interests in that field. In the case of a personal essay, you should be talking about yourself in terms of your personality and traits. These are your behaviors or points of view that should help you become a successful college student at your chosen university. Expand upon your curiosity if need be and how your constant questioning is what will help you become a successful person in the future. Dig deep into your personality profile and find a part of yourself that you can discuss in this essay. Curiosity works, it just needs to be developed further without leaning on your interest in mechanics to move it along.
vangiespen   
Dec 1, 2014
Graduate / "A programmer? No way!" - That was my response up until I met my programmer teacher in high school [7]

Nick, is there a specific personal essay prompt that you are attempting to answer with this particular personal statement? If you are, please post that prompt here so that we can better review and advice you about the essay. As of now, the personal essay does not seem personal at all. It is almost as if you are trying to answer a common essay prompt about any achievements and accomplishments you have had that relate to your interest in this field of study. You may be repeating information in this case instead of answering the prompt in the correct manner. You need to be sure that you are answering the correct prompt otherwise your essay will fail to become relevant to your application. A personal statement is supposed to talk about you on a more personal level, but not at that the central identity level because that is a different prompt altogether. Please get back to us with the correct prompt you are trying to respond to so that we can make sure that the essay is answering the prompt or direct it more towards the prompt requirements. Thanks :-)
vangiespen   
Dec 1, 2014
Undergraduate / My Chinese name - Yueqiao, brings my weapons to make me grow and my bridges across the world! [6]

Well Amanda, you have certainly presented a unique answer to this essay that will effectively work in your favor. Not everyone will have the ability nor opportunity to discuss the meaning of their name in the highly interesting manner that you do in your essay. This is not only a central identity story but a cultural trip that will help people understand the way Chinese names are picked out for their family members. Your essay's strength lies in the fact that you use languages to build your central identity. I am just wondering if the central identity story that you have chosen to tell is somehow related to your college major? If there is a connection, then all the better for you. There are still grammatical errors that need to be corrected in the essay but it can wait until you are absolutely sure that this is the version of the essay that you want us to review and edit for you. It is not too late for you to add or delete content. We can get started on that after your next post if you feel you want to play around with this version a little bit more.
vangiespen   
Dec 1, 2014
Undergraduate / Business is something I have had a vast attachment and curiosity towards for as long as I remember [2]

Zaheen, aside from needing to divide your essay into paragraphs, your narration has successfully answered the prompt and presented the foundation of your interest in business and economics in a very clear way. I was wondering though if you could expand a bit on the discussion about your discovery of the word "director". How did you react to this word and what events followed it? Did you ask your dad what it was all about? How did that word become the first word that you learned in relation to business. I also think that you should close the essay by coming full circle and mentioning that word again. Maybe say something along the lines of your father's dream for you to become a director is close to becoming a reality because of your college degree?
vangiespen   
Dec 1, 2014
Undergraduate / "Curious" was the mostly used adjective in reference to me - personal essay [4]

Sandro, when you write your personal essay, don't forget that you need to present an original essay about you in a personal sense. That means that you need to review the other essay prompts from the university that you are applying to and then make sure that you are not rehashing the same information your personal essay. This essay that you wrote sounds like you may have already discussed it in the "What influenced your career choice" or "Tell us how your interest in the field developed" themed common apps.

Your personal essay should portray a side of you that is not presented in the common essay apps. There are usually 6 common essay prompts for you to choose from or answer so writing the personal essay can be quite tricky. I suggest that you write about something related to you that is not covered in the common prompts. Don't even dream of using the same personal essay for all your applications. Usually the applications will vary in theme and you will find that your personal essay for one university may turn out to be a common app essay in another. Brace yourself for constant essay writing during your college application process. That is the only way to make sure that you will properly address the essay prompts.

Needless to say, I feel that a revision is in order for your essay because you are trying to guess what essay discussion will be of interest to the admissions officer you will e sending this application to. I advice you to double check the essay prompts from this university in order to make sure that you are not making a mistake with the chosen topic for your personal essay. With any luck, the school will have offered you a prompt to respond to in line with your personal statement.
vangiespen   
Dec 1, 2014
Writing Feedback / Dream, the only harmless drug in the world - gap year explanation [14]

Just to be clear, the conclusion we are talking about here is as follows:

Now, I feel completely ready for all the obstacles and challenges at my upcoming college life. I wouldn't have gained divers knowledge, if I would not have taken up this gap year. Surely, this year has more memories in store for the rest of my gap year until college.

You have to correct the word divers to "diverse". Divers are people who like to dive into pools or go snorkeling or deep sea diving. Diverse means many different experiences. Perhaps you can add more life lessons that you have collectively learned over the past months in order to make it a stronger conclusion and allow more insight into how you spent your gap year. After all, you are supposed to explain about the elements that make up the year you spent away from academics.
vangiespen   
Dec 1, 2014
Undergraduate / 'Look mommy - a scorpion!' - UC Application Essay (my world I came from) [2]

This first paragraph does not help establish anything about the world that you come from and the influences that were present. That discussion does not start for you until after this paragraph. The paragraph that came after this really contained the hook and story progression about the world you come from so you should just delete the first paragraph and jump directly to the second as your opening statement.

- Only respond to the essay prompt. Do you provide any information that is not relevant to the prompt nor being asked for in the essay. This particular paragraph is not relevant and therefore should not be in this essay. This is a response paragraph meant for a different essay prompt such as what you hope to achieve at the University of California. It does not belong in a "Describe the world you come from" essay.

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