Undergraduate / Born and bred in Nepal, I am familiar to myriad diseases people fall prey to all year round [23]

Suvekcha, you have written a pretty solid essay that really provides a relevant experience. There are just some grammar issues that need to be corrected so let me help you with that now :-)


- Born and bred in Nepal, which is a small and economically poor country, I grew up highly familiar with the illnesses and myriad diseases that affect people all year round. Nepal is severely affected by poor health, poverty and illiteracy. It saddens me that I am not able to help my fellow Nepalese in a way that can change their lives. I always ask myself "What can I do for them?" It is one thing for me to feel pity for them and their plight, it is another thing for me to commit myself to helping them. I knew that eventually, I would find a way to help my people, and my chance came a few month ago.


- I joined a youth organization in Nepal known as SAATH, which, in my language means togetherness. We have been working together with other trainees, volunteers, and support groups to aid children affected b HIV AIDS and I have to say that working with them has been the best 5 months of my life so far. The organization helped me do something for the Nepalese people whom I wanted to help. I developed a sense of responsibility as a part of this group because the children looked up to my leadership and they in turn, inspired and motivated me to help them learn and grow, even though their future was uncertain.


- This does not help the essay because in the next paragraph you go back to discussing SAATH, which should be the main concentration of this essay.


- I hope to engage the help of Rutger University in achieving my objective of continuing to help the Nepalese people. Through my experience with SAATH, I know that I can bring the plight of the Nepalese to light in the United States. Through my participation in the student community, I know that help can be sent back to them. Being exposed to the worst kind of human conditions has helped me prepare for a career in the healthcare field, specifically public health. My work with the organization has helped me develop a deeper insight into healthcare that I believe has prepared me well for my future studies as a Rutger student.

I hope that my suggestions can further help you enhance your essay. Please don't hesitate to ask questions if you need to. We are here to help you perfect your essay :-)

Writing Feedback / Do we need a teacher to learn English? [5]

Chloie, you present solid reasons in support of the discussion that teachers are necessary in order for students to learn English. I am pleased to know that you took an English verbal class some time back as well. It shows in the way that you write. However, you still need to practice your written English skills because some of your sentences really need work. Let me help you by showing some of those corrections now.


- Our society mostly relies on written text for the transfer of knowledge and skills. When it comes to the transfer of language learning, it is important to learn both from the written text and verbal practices of the language. Therefore, it is vital that an instructor or teacher be present to assist the student in this learning process. Through this essay, I plan to discuss some effective language teaching methods that can be applied only through the help of teachers. Thus proving that teachers are necessary in order to learn a foreign language such as English.


- English students are normally asked to translate the written word from their native tongue to the English language as a part of their English comprehension skills development. Through the help of a teacher, they can familiarize themselves with the language and ask clarification questions regarding any translations they are unsure of. I still remember when I was a student preparing for an English internship interview a few years ago. My teacher allowed me to write specific questions that might come up during the interview so I could prepare my answers in English beforehand with her help. I still remember how she corrected me and I still use the lessons that she taught me about the English spoken language to this very day.


- Chloe, you need to strengthen this particular argument. It is not strong enough because it does not have any factual data to support the line of reasoning the English as a medium of instruction is more effective in teaching students. Neither do you present facts that prove that students learn to speak and understand English better when taught in this manner.

Your conclusion also needs work because it continues to present even more ideas and concepts about the teaching of the English language. So you need to discuss those in separate paragraphs before actually writing your concluding statement. I hope you decide to revise your essay. I hope to assist you in perfecting this particular essay :-)

Undergraduate / I felt rejuvenated when researching about issues completely unknown - MIT Short essays [5]

Melati, the first thing that I catch about you in these essays is that you enjoy academics so much that you can't stop doing things related to it even when you are relaxing. That is what was reflected in your answer to the first essay about how you spend your time relaxing. Your comment about building the debate team and nurturing it tells us that you have strong leadership skills that can be nurtured to the benefit of the student community of your potential new university.

The second question though, I am not sure if you were able to answer the prompt properly because in my understanding, your response should have mentioned the reasons why you are attracted to specific departments of study at MIT. But instead you posed questions about things you did not understand and the hope that the university departments will be able to help you uncover the answers to your questions. I think you might need to analyze the question on a deeper basis, just to make sure that you are answering it properly :-)

Undergraduate / The word "Ethiopian" over the years have been manipulated to mean so many things nowadays [6]

Mismak, this is a better essay but it is still too long. Can you tell me what prompt you are trying to answer with this essay so that I can help you decide which portions to shorten, revise, or delete? Those are some of the steps that we can take to help tighten the essay and make it more relevant towards displaying the information that the admissions officer expects to read in the essay. Right now, I am still not sure what message you should be trying to convey. Is it a story about your central identity? Is it an obstacle in life that you had to overcome? Or is it simply a general statement about who you are? Once I am sure of the question we are trying to answer, we can begin to edit the essay towards its solid form. It will still require some editing on your part but at least you have done half the work already, the essay is already too long so we will definitely need to shorten it :-)

Undergraduate / Half of a Whole (death of twin brother) Personal Statement [3]

Mireya, this is a very good topic for your Central ID essay. However, I feel that there is in imbalance in the sense that you spent a lot of time dwelling on the fact that you are a twin rather than just presenting the fact that you were born as a twin, your twin died. That is the end of that. The build up for the essay should be after the death of your twin. Just skim over the way you felt incomplete during highlight events of your life because of the lack of a twin to celebrate with. Then immediately jump to how you eventually realized that you needed to use the death of your twin as a positive and inspiring force in your life. That will make the essay more interesting and relevant to the central topic of the development of your identity.

Undergraduate / "vegetarian manner of living would most beneficially influence the lot of mankind" Ignorance = Bliss [3]

Rebecca, this is not an essay that answers the prompt. You are being asked to address an issue that affects you or mankind directly. Instead of sounding like you are challenging the idea that eating meat is bad when compared to vegetarianism, you instead come across looking like you are preaching and trying to convert the reader instead. There is no real issue here that you are addressing which is of valuable impact to the world or yourself. Instead, you offer information about the evils of meat eating and how it affects human health. There is nothing in the essay that shows that you are trying to help spread the positive word about vegetarianism. Instead, you sound like you wrote an argument essay instead. Not once did you mention how you are helping to change the misconception people have about vegetarians. Instead, you tell us that you hold steadfast to your belief about vegetarianism. One thing is clear though, you will make the same decision should be be given a chance to live your life again. So the problem with the essay is that you are arguing instead of presenting your stance.

By the way, it is important that you write two essays for the two schools since one has a word limit and the other one does not. That way you can tailor your answers to best suit the prompt provided. So you need to tell us which essay you want to perfect first, the word limited one or the unlimited one. It is quite obvious that this one is for the unlimited version. Which is why it is too long and arguable in stance rather than informative. Try not to argue with the admissions officer, just present your ideas in a way that does not offend the meat eaters if possible. Remember, you need to be politically correct in application essays more than you need to insist that your stance is the right one. Just a word of caution there :-)

Undergraduate / 'I spent plenty of time watching television' - your major and your school; why did you choose it? [3]


- Danyal, for this portion of the essay, you would do well to mention a specific program or movie that inspired you to become an Engineer. It is not uncommon for your dreams for a career to be inspired by films and television. So showing us what influenced you would definitely add points towards understanding the basis of your dream :-)


- Why did the idea of becoming an engineer become more intriguing. Don't tell us about college fairs and job fairs. Tell us why you want to be an Engineer. Keep the part about talking to your father as that is important in the development of your interest in the field. Don't use the word interrogate because it connotes something negative.


- Try to reformat the paragraph. In its current form it sounds more like you settled for Northwestern because you did not have any other choice or it was closest to what you were looking for. Instead, you need to sound like you had NU in mind all along and you never thought of attending other universities.You should never let the admissions officer feel like his university is a second choice for you.

By the way, your essay needs to be divided into paragraph format in order to qualify as a properly written essay. You currently have it all bunched together as one long paragraph which makes it very long and confusing to read. You should divide it into topics to make the discussion clear to the reader :-)

Undergraduate / Fixing connectedness - UM Pre-Essay [2]

M. Riley, your first essay is quite good. However, the idea of teaching at Sunday school depicts an image of you teaching a group of kids about religion more than anything else. So perhaps you should expand upon what kind of activities you teach the kids about in Sunday school just to show how your Sunday school teaches more than just bible stories and the like. From the way you present the story, it seems that bible school is not a part of Sunday school so you need to be sure that the reader understands exactly how you participate in Sunday school so that we can understand why you would want to do that for the rest of your life.

Both essays present a strong look at your personality and do not need to be revised in any way as far as I am concerned. Your band membership story takes us deep into the back story of the band, introducing is the "Music Librarian" position that is not well known to most people. Thus creating an interesting essay for the admissions officer to read. The way you related it to the unified band movement also shows us the way you function in the band community and how important you are to them and vice versa. Good work!

Undergraduate / I make "to do" lists (I love organization) - UVA essay on Quirks [4]

Anne, this is a very interesting quirk. The stories you related about how it helps you keep your life organized and ensures that you finish all your tasks on schedule is admirable. However, I believe that you could have used this quirk to also explain how the post it notes will help you become a successful college student as well. Remember, post its seem to be the best friends of students, it is sticking out of their books and notebooks all the time. So if you can somehow relate the quirk to that, I think that the quirk will prove to be the most important aspect of your personality and student life as well, thus making the essay more effective and memorable for the reader.

Undergraduate / "Across the Bridge" Prompt 1 Central ID Story - Common APP essay [2]

Jesus, this is admirable essay. However, I believe that you need to develop the voices that you hear in your head as you pedal your way to school. Use one voice for every part of the journey over the uphill bridge. Present the stereotype and show us how you overcame it. Towards the end, as you get over the final obstacle, explain how you plan to use college as your stepping stone away from poverty and the life that society seems to want to doom you to. By doing so, you will be able to successfully present your identity and how you plan to continue to develop it as a person while you attend college. If you can try to write the essay from this point of view, I may be able to help you polish it to better fit and align with the prompt. I hope you consider it. It is not overly dramatic in form and will allow you to present various facets of your struggle to find your own identity in the process.

Undergraduate / 'sitting on the steps of the Low Memorial Library' - Columbia University essay [6]

- John, are you planning to major in architecture? If you are, then you are on the right track with this paragraph. I would suggest that you further enhance it by using the architecture of the school to explain how you will be further inspired to learn about more than just the academic side of your course. Explain that it entices you to learn more about history as well.

Another word of advice that I can offer you is to have you discuss the social atmosphere of the university and how the student community and activities appeals to you. Remember that your world will be mostly the university campus and not New York City. So you need to be able to identify with the student campus and its social style more than anything else :-)

Undergraduate / I cannot wait to proudly call myself a member of the Ram family. VCU Admission Essay [2]

Kobina, I have some notes for you to consider regarding your essay. These are important so please take note of them :-)


- You cannot say that your childhood experiences are what inspired you to enter into nursing. A child will not have any medical experiences. You need to change this sentence to show that this dream developed as you matured over time. Also, you were not aspired, but inspired by these experiences to open a clinic in the future. Aspire means to ambition to achieve, inspire means to have a reason to do something good.


- I will strive to use the diverse VCU community to develop intimate relationships and a network that will help me achieve my goal through the solid foundation of the Nursing and Business programs offered by the university.


- Having taken accounting and economic classes in the past, along with my shadowing of several LPN and RN's at the Sunrise Senior Living at Inova Hospital, I know that I have taken the proper steps to jump start my career goals.


- My careful time management and organizational skills will help me stay on the road...


- Don't confuse the issue about your majors. Stick to Nursing and Business since those two can somehow relate. Drop the graphic design reference as that is irrelevant to your original career choices.

These are the comments I have so far. These may change or be added to depending upon the kind of revision you make :-)

Undergraduate / ITT Entrance Essay - "What subjects inspire you?" [2]

Danyal, the essay is asking you to discuss an academic area that inspires you. In this case, the academic area you want to specifically mention and discuss us computer programming. You ended up discussing the activity of computer programming instead of the field. So you need to revise the essay. The essence of your interest in the field is there, you just stated it in the wrong manner. So you just need to make a few revisions that will allow you to mention that you are inspired by the field of computer programming and why. That is when you can make specific mention of the activity that you described in your current essay. Doing so will help you align the prompt and use the original work that you wrote as well.

Undergraduate / Design an academic course Emory Prompt 1 essay [7]

MIsmak, I am of the opinion that this is the better developed version of the essay. You were able to clearly show the importance of the course you would develop for Emory and how different it would be from their current course offering which was created by the university along the same lines as yours. There is a successful defense of the difference between the two courses and a clear idea as to why and how the students would benefit from enrolling in both courses. This is an interesting take on what should have been a redundant course offering. If you feel that there is something else that you can add to the essay to make it better, please do so and post it here so that we can further review it in terms of proper paragraph placement and the like. My belief however, is that this essay is ready for submission as it is :-)

Writing Feedback / Nature vs industry - it is a must for our country to get the most out of our free space [2]

- Your overview is somewhat incomplete. You could have presented a summary of the reasons why you believe that the country should get more out of the use of the free space. This would lend credibility to your opinion towards the end of the essay.

- This is a weak reason. Instead, you should be discussing the available space and how it can be properly harnessed by the government for foreigner investors to bring in money to the country and in the process, provide more jobs and business opportunities for the Cambodians.


- You need to restate this interesting paragraph in another way. Explain how there is a need to upgrade the homes and dwellings of the Cambodians in order to provide them with a better self image which will show the world that Cambodia is a the next big country where changes can take place. Relate that to the need to develop the land area and you will have a pretty solid essay.

Writing Feedback / Numerous people have a tendency to play at least 1 hour a day - Technologies [4]

Shon, I feel that your argument in this case is flaewed because you tried to relate the use of computers to only the most common purposes that people use it for. The government uses computers for far more complicated and important aspects of governance, which in turn helps make life easier for the people. This is the reason why the government should be spending more on developing and purchasing computer technologies. It has nothing to do with helping people relax by playing video games. That is something that the private sector should be developing, not the government.

Keep in mind that the government is tasked with providing the people with their basic and advanced needs based upon the taxation method. As such, the government should make sure that they are able to provide these timely necessities by utilizing technology that will help them do that. Hence the need for a better computer infrastructure within the government. Also, the government is expected to make sure that people, students in public schools in particular, have access to the most modern and fastest information systems they are able to provide. That is one reason why the government must purchase and develop computer technology as well. That is in fact, a very important reason.

I have offered you some points that you can use to further improve this essay. I hope that you will take it into consideration as you proceed with the revision of this paper :-)

Undergraduate / "Do what you love"; "what do I love to do though?" -- my family [7]

Jay, this is the best revision you have made for this essay. I can't find anything else to advise you upon regarding its content and grammar. It seems to me that the paper is as polished and ready as it can be. You can submit this anytime you want to. That is, if you feel the same way I do about the content of the paper. Remember, what is important here is that you feel comfortable with the final outcome of the paper. If you are not comfortable with it or you want to play around with the content some more, then feel free to do so. I will be here to lend you an assist :-) The decision about whether this paper is ready for submission rests with you. Don't take my word for it :-) Congratulations on a job well done.

Undergraduate / Nigerian - I have always felt like an outcast - Wisconsin Unnoticed essay [4]

- Adedapo, I strongly feel that you should revise the essay to make this statement in particular your introductory paragraph. When combined with the contents of the following paragraph;


, you will be able to create the important and interesting hook that your essay needs to keep the admission officer interested in your application.

After having successfully explained why you used to take something for granted, you can now go back to your past to explain the basis of this confusion and sense of outcast that you used to feel. Start with;


and then follow it up with this conclusion;


The portion about how you came to end up in the Netherlands because of your father's work is a bit redundant is often presented in a similar manner by other students in their essays. In order to stand out, you need to make your essay more informative without being dramatic. I feel that by structuring the essay this way, you will be able to immediately catch the attention of the admissions officer and offer a clear understanding of how you felt and why. So you should just quickly mention that you moved to The Netherlands for your father's work and that is where your experience of confusion as an outcast began.

Undergraduate / "Tell me what happened" - VCU Struggle Essay [5]

Lauren I revised the content to help you bring down the word count.


- It was 10 p.m. when I got an unexpected phone call from my best friend whom I normally just text with.


- All I could hear from the other end were her faint whimpers, regardless of how often I called out her name , "Taylor" in an effort to calm her down.




- ... because watching her physically deteriorate would have just been too painful for me.


I hope my suggestions help you out :-)

Graduate / Write about experience - Description about my Internship [13]

Nurba, did you intern at only one office during your time as an intern? If you have more than one internship or training experience, you should be sure to mention the most important ones in your essay. That way you can offer a summary of the non-professional work experience you had in relation to your degree rather than waiting for the admissions officer to read about it in your other submitted documents. This way, he will look for additional information within your submitted papers.

Try to cut down on the wordiness of your essay. You can do this by discussing only the important activities that you participated in which you are sure will be impressive to the reviewer. Also, since you did not give a daily account of your activities, you should not start your paragraph by saying, "On my first day..." Just discuss the important activity immediately. The reader already knows that you had a first day as an intern.

Rather than constantly describing what you did during your essay, you should save the later portion of it to explain what you truly learned, on a personal basis, during the time of your internship. If you learned important job related information that was not taught in school, discuss it and explain why you feel that is important to the development of your career and how that information can help you in the future.

This is basically a good essay, but it has room to become better, at least my opinion :-) The grammatical errors can be corrected once the information within the essay is solid and will no longer be revised.

Writing Feedback / Argument Essay; part of a letter to the editor of a scientific journal [2]


- Arun, you need to make specific mention that first born humans and monkeys exhibit the same tendencies. You accidentally left that part out in this particular evidence.


- This needs to be rephrased in order to become grammatically correct. Refer below:
- Upon closer scrutiny, these explanations seem fallible for a number of reasons which I will be discussing in this paper.


- ...first born monkeys have a higher level of...perceive a situation which results in higher levels...
- The last part of this paragraph about the arrival of strangers needs more explanation coming from you. Making a reference to the importance of familiarity and the pack system of survival in the animal kingdom should help further enhance this paragraph.


- You have a number of sentence structure errors in this paragraph aside from grammatical errors that I will be correcting.
- ... in humans, but this observation...statistics or studies .Moreover,in humans, it would be possible for 2 offspring to show different stimulations for either parent.One might argue...


- Where did you get the information that led you to this possible assumption? When refuting evidence using information from another source, your academic credibility is enhanced by mentioning the source of your new information.

I would give your essay a rating of 6 due to the lack of supporting information on your part and the problems with the grammar and sentence structure of the essay. These are minor points that can easily be corrected for a better grade. However, you should learn to proofread your work, at least for spelling and sentence structure errors before you submit a paper for review or grading. That is the sign of a well developed and seriously considered essay on your part.

Scholarship / This is motivation letter for a scholarship in security and mobile computing. [4]

Ivan, your essay is quite dry and not very informative in terms of how the scholarship can help you. It lacks a sense of passion about your chosen profession that goes far beyond your academic accomplishments, which by the way, you need to elaborate upon. By showing your academic prowess and mentioning any awards or honors that you received as a student, you will be able to inform the scholarship reviewers regarding your potential as a student.

Are you familiar with the background of the scholarship foundation and what their requirements are? You eed to make sure that you mention facts in your scholarship essay about yourself that will adhere to their requirements for scholarship candidates. Sharing the same mission and vision as the scholarship will help your essay improve content-wise and allow you present a positive image that will be impressive to the committee upon further review of your application.

Be sure to discuss how their scholarship program will be able to specifically help you achieve your dreams and goals in life. Relate these goals and dreams to how you plan on repaying the scholarship in kind either by giving time to volunteer for some foundation activities or promoting the scholarship foundation during your time as a student and/or professional. By showing that you are civic minded, you will be able to prove that you are not just after a free ride towards another degree but you have intentions of paying it forward when given the opportunity to do so.

Undergraduate / 'I blamed my father' - Common APP essay "Lose but gain" [4]

Heather, the thing is, you can't be told how to be an adult. The discussion with your father is far too personal in basis for it to be useful in this prompt. There was really nothing in the story that you told that could have shown how you passed through a rite of passage that brought you to adulthood. So you should consider a totally different story for this essay or choose a different prompt to answer (if possible) because you do not have the background with which to properly answer this type of essay prompt. I already mentioned a few examples of the rite of passage that are acceptable for this prompt. If you do not have any experience similar to those then you should not use this prompt.

What we need to hear from you is about your experience doing something that is not expected of you. Something that people would think that you could not do because of your age. Something that would make people say "She accomplished that even though she is just a child!" Think about it, does this essay truly have any part that would make people exclaim that upon reading it? There isn't any part that portrays such a thing. So, this essay simply does not work for this prompt and should therefore, not be used. Wow the admission officer with an accomplishment that indicates a sense of maturity on your part. Perhaps there is something in your volunteer activity that will show this? Did you ever have to take responsibility for an action which people never expected you to be able to accomplish? If you do, then you have to tell us about that. It is that kind of story that will answer the prompt and fulfill all of its requirements regarding a transition from child to adulthood.

Let me know if you have any more questions. I will do my best to guide you in developing this essay :-)

Research Papers / Chinese tradition of eating moon cakes during the Mid Autumn Festival every Fall; playing the cello [7]

Chelsea, this is a much improved version of your previous common app essay. I suggest that you merge the threads so that your post won't get deleted. The essence of this essay about the importance of your identity is clear and befitting the circumstances you found yourself in. However, it tends to become overly long because of the way you are discussing 2 stories in relation to one another instead of concentrating on only one story and developing your essay around that. Why don't you try to just concentrate on the story that you feel is most important so that you can cut down the essay and make it more interesting in the process? Right now, I see 3 stories being told. the mooncake, the cello, and your introduction of dimsum to your friends, alongside the story of your coming to terms with who you are. The complicated story line makes the essay hard to keep track of. Remember, the admissions officer only has a number of minutes to read your essay because he has hundreds more to review that day. So submitting a focused paper that does not ask him or her to process too many stories when he should just be concentrating on your answer to the prompt will help the admissions officer better judge the quality of your answer and consider your potential as a student.

Undergraduate / Patience, dedication and motivation are three traits I stand by. [5]


- Chelsea, you can delete this portion because it does not really introduce an important aspect of the essay. You can skip directly to the second paragraph as the introductory because that directly answers the prompt.


- What made you think they did not have healthcare? You need to explain that before you move on to other topics that support this observation.

If you would kindly address the issues I pointed out in my comments above, I will gladly help you polish this essay in time for the November 1 deadline :-) Just relax, don't panic, breath. We have time to work on this. It can be done if you believe we can do it :-)

Research Papers / The 'King Kongs' - Caltech - Honor Code Essay [10]

You make a good point Laan. However, something that happened when you were eleven years old does not really make an impact upon people now. The reason that I advice you to stick to the honor code discussion is because, though it is commonly answered, your answer becomes unique because you have just recently experienced it and it was with a student leader of the campus. Which makes it quite unique in a way. However, if you really want to go with the first story, then that is your decision and I will support it. Let me see how i can help you bring the word count down for that essay a bit further :-)

My version came in at 192 words:

I was eleven when I reached my saturation point with the "King Kongs", as my friends and I called them. They were the bullies of the playground that was meant for children aged 5-12. They lorded it over the area each day until the lady in charge locked the gates at 9. In Hong Kong, a place where land area is very scarce, the playground was a place where the children could freely play, but the KK's were preventing that.

I decided to rally every kind on the block and stand up to them. I stood as the fearless leader, demanding that they give back our playground. Their tyranny had to come to an end and I would make sure of it. While I did not succeed on the playground that day, I managed to get the attention of the parents and complex administration, who did the right thing by having those bullies removed from the playground permanently. I had helped win our playground back and showed the King Kong's that not everyone would allow them to take unfair advantage of us just because we were younger and viewed as less powerful.

Undergraduate / IELTS: satisfying working environment is far more important than the security of a job [4]

Vu, I have some grammatical corrections for you to consider. There are some words that you have chosen to use which are out of context so I am making suggestions as to how to improve your essay :-)


- ... factors that influence employees... must be seriously considered.


- Since the global economy... The increasing number of over educated... The employers are now overwhelmed when looking...
- What is the connection of the morality of the actions of an employee to the essay prompt? You are being asked for your opinion regarding whether job satisfaction or security is more important. How does a discussion of morality fit into this area?


- ... the enjoyment of people during their work time should be considered when looking for a job. People can only show... ... compete equally in the workplace... This can also be related to their satisfaction of working with their team and having an understanding supervisor who makes the work seem like play by inspiring his people to do better. These are all factors related to job satisfaction.


- You cannot state your stand as the conclusion of the essay. It needs to be well developed as a separate paragraph before the conclusion that includes a summary of the prompt, facts, and conclusion you are presenting.

Undergraduate / The sweet succulent aroma of food oozed into my room through the partially opened door [2]

Danyal, this is a very effective essay that explains the conflicting worlds that you came from and how you were affected by the sudden change in surroundings. More importantly, it shows the maturity that comes with understanding ones situation and making do with the facts that he cannot change. You effectively displayed your personality as being that of an analytical and observant individual who sees the world around him in a manner different from others. These are the factors that made this an effective essay that properly answers the prompt. The comparison of the two worlds you come from, different yet still the same in every aspect, made this essay a highly developed and well thought out piece of written work. Congratulations on a job well done :-)

Undergraduate / 'I blamed my father' - Common APP essay "Lose but gain" [4]

Heather, this is definitely not the answer to the prompt being asked. You need to pick out an event in your life when you had to take full responsibility for your actions and its subsequent consequences, whether good or bad. For example, when your father left, did he leave you in charge of the family? What responsibilities were attached to his leaving you in charge? Did you accomplish these responsibilities in the same manner that an adult would? Did an adult vindicate your actions as being that of a mature person? If yes, then go with such a story. If not, try to find something within your past experiences that pushed you to act in a manner far beyond your actual human years.

This is not a story about your father leaving your family to work. Neither is it about the story of the relationship you repaired with him. There is nothing in this essay that even remotely answers the prompt so you need to think of something else that happened in your life that could prove that you have a wisdom beyond your years or the ability to respond appropriately to a given situation. That way, you will be able to properly answer the prompt and also bring the word count down in the process. I look forward to your next try at answering this prompt :-)

Research Papers / The 'King Kongs' - Caltech - Honor Code Essay [10]

Laan, are you asking for advice as to which of the two stories you just presented you should finally develop into the essay prompt? Answer? If that is so, I suggest that you go with the second story dealing with Ryan and homework cheating. That is directly in line with the honor and integrity system of the university you are applying to. By standing your ground and not lending him your homework for copying, you will be able to accurately and completely answer the prompt provided. Having read some of the essay already, I know that you can further develop that story for the prompt provided. You just need to concentrate on the honor and integrity aspect of your explanation in relation to the schoolwork. Remember to detail the consequences for Ryan if he is caught and the eventual outcome of what happened. That should be the closing statement of your essay.

Undergraduate / "Did you make that?" "Yeah, I did." - UIUC Explain your interest in the major you selected. [2]

Jlee, this is an essay that answers the prompt in the most personal manner. It has excellently described who you are as a person and as a student. More importantly, it offers an insight into the world of Engineering and how you view it. You managed to say a lot about yourself in only 300 words. You should be proud of this work. If I were to nitpick though, I would have to say that your discussion of "Did you make this?" could have used a little more analysis. Perhaps asking yourself if you really made the project yourself because other people made the parts the contributed to your final project. However, with only 300 words, I realize that will be asking you to analyze and discuss too much. The essay is fine in this form and the content is excellent as far as I can tell. This is certainly usable and should be considered for submission on your part :-)

Undergraduate / As a child, I made frequent trips to the hospital due to recurring asthma attacks College supplement [3]

Caitlin, let me try to clean this up for you and also bring the word count down a little bit more. Here is my take on your statement :-)

I grew up as an Asthmatic. Hence, I was a familiar fixture at my Pulmonologist's office. This was where i often heard the terms Albuterol, ADVAIR, and Symbicort. Terms which were all familiar and understandable to my pharmacist mother, but left me confused and wondering about how it affected me. This was why I developed an interest in Pharmacology. As I volunteered at A*** Medical Center, I realized that pharmaceutical sciences were important in the treatment and cure of a patient, which further pushed me to learn more about drug interactions. Hoping that the knowledge I gain now can help me become a physician in the future.

It came in at 102 words. I hope this version works for you. I believe that it keeps the essence of your original statement but in a tighter and more comprehensible manner :-)

Undergraduate / Design an academic course Emory Prompt 1 essay [7]

Mismak, you only need to fix the introduction in my opinion. The rest of the essay works well towards answering the requirements of the prompt. If you feel that you should add information or remove certain information from the essay then that is your decision. Whatever you decide to do, we will help you either clean it up and help you understand why it is not necessary or why it does not help the essay move forward towards answering the prompt. You actually answered it quite well in my opinion. all the elements for a strong and relevant answer in your response. I am most specially impressed by how you were able to explain how different the course you developed would be from the course that Emory currently offers. A word of advice though, try to come up with a creative and distinct name for the course so that you can show that you have given a great thought and consideration to the academic course design that you are suggesting. Aside from that, I believe that we just need to clean up the grammatical errors that are in the essay after the repositioning of the paragraphs are completed :-)

Undergraduate / I was five years of old when my whole world collapsed - UF "good life" essay [5]

Vy, when is the deadline? Don't be afraid to go over the word limit if you have to. In fact, it is even better to have the essay go over the word count during the drafting stage because it gives us more room to play around with editing and deleting. We will help you bring the word count to within limits. Go over the word count if you feel you have to. Don't be afraid, we will assist you in fixing it :-)

Your current essay is a great improvement over the previous one because you were able to show how your idea of the good life changed as you moved to a new country. This works because it shows an increased sense of maturity and understanding on your part and also gives the admissions officer an insight into the kind of personality you have. I would work more on the last part though. The way you describe how UF will help you continue to redefine the good life is quite unclear, shallow, and lacking in substance. You need to fix those if you are to continue making a good impression of yourself to the admissions officer :-)

Undergraduate / "Do what you love"; "what do I love to do though?" -- my family [7]


- Since you are not making an reference to a person asking this question, you can skip it. It is not important to the essay and does not help it alone. Simply describing your personality works well with this sort of essay.


- You lost me here. Where is the connection to the good life? Relate this experience to your definition of the good life and you will have answered the prompt completely. Your first few paragraphs were on the right track. This is a slight derailment that I know we can fix :-)


- This is an irrelevant statement. You needed to continue to explain instead how your life experiences have helped you realize what the true meaning of the "good life" is. Only after doing that, could you try to add how you think your chosen university can help you achieve a better version or definition of a "good life".

Undergraduate / Design an academic course Emory Prompt 1 essay [7]

Mismak, you actually need to reposition your paragraphs in the essay because the best introductory paragraph with the hook that will keep the admissions officer reading was accidentally developed as your second paragraph instead. Please place the following quote in the place of you current first paragraph:


Bring the current introductory paragraph down as your second paragraph. Then read the essay from the very beginning. That is what I did and i noticed a distinct change in the flow of the paper. It became smoother and better connected to one another. I hope you will see the same thing :-) I made my suggestion based upon the repositioned paragraph placement and it worked for me. Let me know if it works the same way for you :-)

Undergraduate / Essay on swimming - it's part of my life - Babson [8]

Philipe, my advice is to skip the part about starting your swimming lessons at an early age. Instead, work your statement to discuss the lessons that you learned from swimming. That way you can discuss the two paths that you learned from your coach and you have a chance to discuss how those choices apply to the everyday decisions that you make in your life. The admissions officer does not really need to know when you started your swimming lessons nor why. What he wants to know about is how swimming has affected your development as a person and how it may continue to help you grow further in your college career. So discussing it from that point of view will be vital to your statement and will reveal many things about you that your other common app essays may not shed light on. Do you think you can give that point of view a try? It is alright if you go over the word limit, we can help you bring it down while keeping the essence of your statement intact :-)

Undergraduate / UVA-Work of literature that has inspired me-Fast Food Nation [3]

Esther, I was able to bring your word count down to 204 just by eliminating the filler introductory statement. Remember, when you are dealing with a word limited statement or essay, you need not use flowery words or over creative introductions as that will make you go over the word count. It is important to answer the prompt from the very start and just get your information out there for the immediate reading and understanding of the admissions officer. Here is the new version of your essay, unretouched except for the deleting introduction. you will find that it is more informative and can be read at a brisker pace in this manner. The rest of the message of your statement was alright which is why I decided not to touch it anymore. It really answered the prompt :-)

Starting from a very young age, kids are bombarded with fast food commercials, more than any other advertisement. Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser opened my eyes to the negative influence that advertisements have on what children eat.The book conjures up disgust towards the fast food industry because with toys and friendly mascots, these companies lead children to consume unhealthy products.

Before reading Fast Food Nation, it never occurred to me how intentional fast food advertisements were because, like many others, I had fallen into the trap. The lure of warm and fatty foods blinded me to why I was drawn to the food in the first place, which was mainly because of the images from catchy commercials.

Fast Food Nation exposed to me the world we live in now, a world where advertisements are unavoidable and businesses prey on children for money. As someone who aspires to be a teacher, I may not have much say in the politics of business and advertising; however, I believe that through educating youth about the persuasive nature of advertisements, the kids will be able to guard themselves from the corrupt world. I am therefore inspired to fight to protect children by starting with the children themselve s.

Undergraduate / My first step out the airport - Personal Statement.. My Wake up call.. [4]

Shahinda, this is a very interesting personal statement to read. However, unless you let us know the exact requirements of the personal essay prompt, we cannot really tell if the essay falls within the essay guidelines and answers the prompt in the correct manner. You see, the content of your essay, the theme upon which it is based, depends upon the question posed and how you are expected to answer it. If you can provide that to us, we can offer a better than superficial review of your essay. We will be able to give you the proper advice about how to further improve it. Believe me, there is room for improvement in the essay, we just need to know which parts to improve and which parts to remove and the prompt will help us decide upon that. Any grammatical problems can be cleared up once we are sure that the content and theme of the paper is properly addressed :-)

Undergraduate / "Tell me what happened" - VCU Struggle Essay [5]

Lauren, you can still use this as the basis of your revision if you wish. Only instead of concentrating so much on Taylor, discuss how you reacted to the situation and how you treated at first. Remember, you need to choose a challenging situation to help this essay concentrate on you. Perhaps you went out with Taylor again after the diagnosis and you did not like what you saw. You wanted to end your friendship with her because being her friend was just too hard. Then explain the decision that you made about your friendship and if you would have changed that decision if you had to make it again. Friendships also face challenging situations, such as the case with you and Taylor, but the essay is not about Taylor. It is about you and how you handled the news of her illness. If you feel that you can present a life changing effect upon you and a profound influence of the situation upon your character, then you should go ahead and use this essay. Otherwise, I agree with Philipe about the need to change the topic and situation.