Undergraduate / Common Application Essay- Free Response [5]

I really like the general gist of this one -- too few people these days can argue both sides of an issue, much less attempt to synthesis points from each. To improve stylistically, I'd eliminate repetition and other verbiage to make your writing more concise. For instance:

"I love to debate myself. Yes, it sounds strange but it is something that I love to do." could easily be rewritten "Though it sounds strange, I love to debate my self." Note that the latter is eight words shorter than the former.

Likewise,

"I like to take a topic, usually one that is talked about in the media, and juxtapose both sides of the issue in my mind." could easily become "I enjoy taking controversial topics, especially those covered in the media, and juxtaposing the arguments from both sides," a savings of seven words.

Anyway, you get the idea. Go through the entire draft and revise with a view to expressing yourself as succinctly as possible, and you will end up with a much stronger essay.

Undergraduate / 'Middle School Cross Country / Sisters bed / 2-D art' - 3 essays [6]

I'd go with either the first or the third one. Don't forget that this is supposed to be a page out of a much longer work. This means that you will probably won't want to write it like a regular narrative essay, with a clear beginning and end, as if it were a work complete in itself.

Writing Feedback / Need revision with Humanity Paper on "is humanity good/evil" [2]

You might want to consider taking issue with the question here. Good and evil are moral concepts that presuppose free will. If we are inherently evil or inherently good, that would imply that we lacked free will, since we would have been born either good or evil, and so would have no choice in the matter, and so would not really be either good or evil. In other words, the very capacity to be either good or evil relies on us having a sort of inherent neutrality, at least to start with.

In any event, you can cut down dramatically on the word count by eliminating every reference to "I" and "my belief." It's your essay -- we therefore assume that the beliefs expressed in it are yours. Also, you could eliminate most (all?) of the Biblical quotes without seriously harming the gist of your essay, especially if the Bible wasn't one of the texts that you covered in your class. Really, with the possible exception of the first one, none of them have much to do with whether or not man is good or evil.

Graduate / MFA graduate statement of purpose (graphic design at SCAD) [2]

Go through and reduce the word count by 10%. This is an old editing rule that writers are supposed to apply to all of their drafts. I think would really help you -- it forces you to tighten up the writing and express yourself more clearly and concisely.

Writing Feedback / Naturalism v Modernism - comparison essay [2]

You might want to consider picking three or four of the main characteristics of each movement and comparing each characteristic in its own paragraph, rather than having one paragraph dedicated entirely to naturalism and another to modernism. Also, you need to rewrite your introduction, which doesn't really say anything worthwhile at all until the last sentence, and is lacking anything resembling a thesis. You might consider doing this after you have written the new body paragraphs, so that you have a basis upon which to craft a solid thesis.

Writing Feedback / Duality of good and evil essay [5]

I like the quotes from Heroes -- that's a great show. As for the essay proper, you might want to delve into a bit more detail about what actually constitutes good and evil. The following are some questions that might guide you in that, though of course you are free to ignore any or all of them:

You imply at some points that good = selflessness and evil = self-interest. You might want to give some thought as to why an action meant to benefit others should be considered better than an action meant to benefit yourself. Is it bad if I kill a person to inherit their money, but good if I kill the same person so that my friend can inherit? After all, the first act is selfish, whereas the second is selfless. Or is there some reason why killing is inherently wrong, regardless of who benefits from it?

You mention empathy fairly early on in your essay. What exactly is the relationship between empathy and good and evil? Does it give rise to the concepts, or does it merely cause us to define good and evil differently than we would if we had no empathy? What might good and evil look like for a people who all lacked empathy?

"everyone must make a choice at some point that goes against what they believe in." Why? This is true only if you believe that

A) everyone believes that killing is always wrong, and
B) everyone would choose to kill one person to save a thousand.

Put another way, what would stop someone from always acting in accordance with what they believe in? Could it be that people often act against what they believe in because they have not really thought through what they believe?

Hope some of this helps.

Undergraduate / 'Football player with good grades' - Common App short answer- extracurricular [6]

The second half of your last sentence doesn't really make sense. You could just stop after "goal." Alternatively, you could replace "bear" with "maintain."

Undergraduate / Common Application Personal Essay - Influence of my mother [4]

The style of the essay is greatly improved. I like the quote from Lincoln near the end, too. You can tighten up the introduction a bit, though. The third and fourth sentences seem to repeat each other. Also, you manage to use the word "influence" five times in the first paragraph and the first sentence of your second paragraph. Try replacing some instances of the word with synonyms.

Undergraduate / Question regarding Uni of Virginia supplement essay [9]

The essay fits the first prompt, the one you wrote it for. As for the second one, Kevin is right, you have a lot of work to do if you want to use the same idea for it. As it stands, you start by talking about a specific work of art, rather than about an idea or theory. You then briefly discuss a couple of theories concerning optical illusions, whereas you would presumably want to discuss only one. For instance, you might talk about the most recent theory about optical illusions, which is that they are a result of the fact that what we see isn't the way the world is. Instead, what we see is our brain's best guess as to what the world will look like in 1/10th of a second, the time it takes our brain to translate visual signals into an image. Many optical illusions have lines positioned in a way that indicates movement. So, when we see them, our brain shows us what the images would look like in 1/10th of a second, if the movement that was indicated actually occurred. Of course, the images are static, so the movement that is indicated never happens, so that there is a discrepancy between what we see and what the image really looks like.

Undergraduate / 'Cape Cod Sea Camps' - Summer Camp Essay [7]

Overall a very strong essay. The second half isn't quite as compelling as the first half, though, mostly because you stop showing and start telling, which isn't anywhere near as interesting to read. If word count isn't an issue, you might consider adding another anecdote or two for balance. Otherwise, perhaps you could combine the last three paragraphs into one, cutting out anything that isn't strictly necessary.

Essays / Question on "additional infomation" on essay application [12]

A humorous essay, if done well, would be appropriate. A narrative essay that tells the reviewers something personal about you would work too. I'd avoid the conversational tone you mention though, as that tends to be wordy, something you can ill afford in most application essays, which usually have limited word counts.

Undergraduate / Common Application Personal Essay - Influence of my mother [4]

All of your sentences are roughly the same length and use roughly the same structure, especially in the body paragraphs. This makes the essay sound more simplistic than it actually is. So, I'd suggest you revise this draft to eliminate that problem, mostly by combining some of the sentences, then post the revised draft for review. If you do that, don't forget that your goal is to have varied sentence lengths and structures -- don't simply combine every set of two sentences so that you have all long ones.

Book Reports / "Women like us." - Thousand Splendid Suns essays.. [3]

An introduction should contain a thesis statement. What is yours? The closest you seem to get is "Every thing that happens in her life is interpreted by this quote that her mother Nana, tells her." But that doesn't have anything to do with Laila, which is what you spend the rest of the introduction talking about. You mention that the two characters have similarities and differences, and you preview them, which is good, but you don't have a strong reason for doing so (in the context of the essay, I mean. The fact that the prompt asks you to do it is a good reason for including the material otherwise). I'd try to come up with a statement that clearly expresses how Mariam and Laila's relationship connects to the idea of women enduring, then revise your introduction so that everything ties back in some way to that statement.

Writing Feedback / "A Heart's Ruin" - Romeo and Juliet Essay [3]

A lot of the introduction seems unnecessary. Do you really need to talk about how Romeo and Juliet is world famous, or much-loved, for instance.

"out-thinking mind" Who or what are you out-thinking, exactly?

It seems a bit unfair to criticize Romeo for both trying to stop a fight and for fighting himself. Surely one or the other was the right course of action. Perhaps his mistake lay in switching so rapidly from one position to the other without reflection.

"It is not saying that Romeo drops one love for another" Yes, it is. And why not? That is exactly what Romeo does, after all.

You mention, in both the second and fourth paragraphs, that Tybalt is related to Romeo through marriage. You might want to mention at some point that Tybalt does not know this, because Romeo and Juliet keep their marriage a secret. This is a large part of the reason that Tybalt remains an enemy -- while Romeo has every reason to hold Tybalt as a kinsman, Tybalt has no reason not to view Romeo as just another pesky Montague. One of Romeo's major flaws is that he doesn't really seem to be aware of this. He knows superficially that Tybalt doesn't know why Romeo should like him -- Romeo says as much -- but it never seems to occur to him that Tybalt's feelings towards him will remain the same. In fact, throughout the play, he is so self-absorbed that he is oblivious to everything else that is going on around him.

In general, you might want to tie Romeo's flaws together. Can his weakness for love be seen as reason for his poor decision-making, or vice versa. Do either of these influence his choice of timing .

Undergraduate / Blindsided- "Syracuse University essay" admission essay question. [4]

I'd combine the first two sentences into one.

I like the repetition you used with "Every Saturday . . ."

I don't know that I'd bring God (or his absence) into it at the end, given that this is an university application essay, though there is nothing objectively wrong with it.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay - General Feedback "My first intuition with this essay..." [3]

Overall, this is a very strong narrative essay. A couple of things stand out as areas for possible improvement though:

"My first intention . . . I was going to focus on . . ." This seems unnecessary, as it implies that the essay will be on another topic, but in fact the essay does actually focus on the mother and her impact on the author's life.

"The mess, the chaos and confusion which began February of 2007 when my mother found herself a new man, never a good thing as her constant poor taste and decisions, effected mostly the men who she chose to be with, all of whom harbored an untold volatile rage, a hate, often exploding in mere seconds, spewing venomous words at me, or swinging their fists around hoping to catch one of my brothers." Lots of gritty, realistic detail in this collection of words. I say collection of words, because it is not actually a complete sentence. It is not even the sort of sentence fragment one might use for dramatic effect. It's just . . . a collection of words. There are several ways you might rewrite this, depending upon your stylistic preferences. For instance, you might try "This mess, the chaos and confusion, had begun on February of 2007 when my mother found herself a new man, never a good thing given her track-record of poor taste and bad decisions, a track record evidenced mostly by the fact that all of her boyfriends seemed to harbor an untold volatile rage, a hate that often exploded within seconds of their entering the house, as they spewed venomous words at me, or started swinging their fists around hoping to catch one of my brothers." You can probably revise it further to make it even better, but this gives you a grammatically correct sentence to work with.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: If you could invent sth new, what product would you develop? [3]

You have chosen an interesting and imaginative invention to use as the focus of your essay. However, you need to clarity your explanation a bit for the essay to be truly effective. You should also revise throughout for diction.

For instance, you wrote: "Many companies nowadys poster million dollar rewards for alternative effective energy sources. however i will resist the temptation because mine device in the long term will dissolve this issue." First, the correct word here is "resolve" rather than "dissolve." Second, nothing in your essay supports the conclusion that your invention will resolve the need for alternative fuel sources. In fact, you don't mention alternative fuel sources again in the entire essay.

"find refuge to" should be "find refuge in."

"imaginary." That's the wrong word here. The person will presumably seek actual revenge for imaginary wrongs. Specifically, he or she will presumably seek revenge for wrongs that are rooted in the gap between the way things are and the way the person incorrectly imagines them to be.

"afford" isn't the right word here. You can either go with "we can't afford to be unconscious" or "it doesn't benefit us to be unconscious."

After this point, your essay consists of a very general description of what your device will do. I would rewrite the second half to consist of more specific examples of how it would work. So, instead of talking about emotions, talk about anger, hate, love, or some specific emotion. Instead of talking only about external or internal stimuli, give examples of specific stimuli, and so on.

Undergraduate / 'Football player with good grades' - Common App short answer- extracurricular [6]

Try combining sentences to get a smoother style. Also, try reworking some of the sentences so that they don't all begin with either "I" or "My."

For example, you could start out by rewriting the first part of your essay thusly: I participate in many extracurricular activities, but the one I enjoy the most is football. I am a four year starter at Saint Francis Preparatory School as a running back. As a student-athlete, I often had to set my own goals .

The phrase "four year starter" is confusing. Do you mean that you played as the starting running back for four years, or that you are currently in fourth year, and are a running back? Revise for clarity.

"My school year consists of hard work all year and minimum amounts of free time" What does this have to do with football, or your participation in it? Did you become a football player to avoid having free time? Do you resent the fact that you were in so many activities that you had so little free time? Did you consider football as something fun that you did in time that you considered free? This is a problem with the rest of the essay too; your ideas are only loosely connected. The others are at least clearly related to the topic, but the transitions from one idea to the next are rough. Try smoothing them out in the next draft.

Undergraduate / Columbia short answers; most appealing thing/ why the study of engineering [4]

Here are some quick thoughts on how you could improve the essay:

Change all instances of "the" to "its" in the first sentence.

Revise "I am a person who is a researcher, scrutinizer and prolific." The phrase "a person" is unnecessary, and the list violates rules of parallel structure. Consider "I am a prolific researcher" instead.

"figured" sounds a bit informal. Replace with "believe" or some such.

"These skills will make solving problems easier and force me to use my brain in my life." Again, a bit informal. Try "These skills will make solving problems easier and help me become a more thoughtful individual."

"Through search, I realized that Industrial Engineering is the ideal field for me." Consider "After a long time spent reviewing my options, I realized that Industrial Engineering was my ideal field."

"It involves both manufacturing and supervising and also a prevalent and promising major" The second part of this sentence needs rewriting. Or possibly simply deleting.

Undergraduate / Health Care; UM / Issue of Importance(personal, national, international) [4]

This is an extremely well-written essay that directly address the topic. You might want to use a few less cliches, though. So, get rid of phrases such as money does not grow on trees," and "love in our hearts." The rest of your writing is good enough that you can undoubtedly think of original ways to express those ideas with a bit of effort.

Also, a point of logic: "And how can we pursue happiness realizing that capable, life-saving, healthcare providers are inaccessible to us due to lack of insurance or money in our pockets?" Quite easily, actually. You can pursue happiness under just about any circumstances. Whether or not you can attain happiness is a different matter. For this sort of essay, though, I doubt your audience will care about the distinction.

Writing Feedback / "Scientific Creativolution: Are Evolution and Creation Sciences?" [10]

If you are worried about the length, break it into sections and post each one as a separate message. That way, you can get feedback about each part of your essay.

Undergraduate / "My dream remains" an extra special essay for applyiing to the university [2]

The content and structure of this essay is very good. The diction and grammar are decent, but could use improvement in places. For instance:

Replace "pleasure to see" in the fourth paragraph with "pleasure of seeing"

"Besides possessing qualifications, I am also a perfectionist and a very determinate person." "Determinate" is the wrong word here. Perhaps you mean "determined?" Also, I'd suggest modifying the beginning to "possessing these qualifications" to connect the sentence more clearly to the previous one.

Instead of "I volunteered to help children who suffer this type of deficiency" try "I volunteered to help children who suffer from these sorts of learning disorders."

"I watched myself diving to a new world of information and my enthusiasm for this field has kept me curious." Again, "curious" isn't really quite right in this context. You could try saying that "my enthusiasm for this field has never waned." Or some such construction.

Overall, an excellent and inspirational essay.

Undergraduate / THINK BIG; "Dr. Ben Carson, a world-renowned neurosurgeon " - Character in fiction [3]

Good job overall. A few points of grammar and style:

"Math was not a subject in which I was not the best in because I realized I did not apply myself to it." Eliminate the double negative. Better yet, try revising the sentence to avoid using the word "not" altogether.

"felt the feeling . . ." Well, yes, one normally feels feelings. Try to avoid repeating similar words too close together. Revise to "felt the same sense of accomplishment . . ."

"I had always promised myself that before I graduated I would be on first honors which means a 90 grade point average."

"taking a full demanding course load . . ." Revise to "taking the most demanding course load"

Undergraduate / 'hard work is rewarded' - common app short answer, cross country. [5]

You start a bit abruptly. I would add something of an introduction, maybe expressing how you got into cross country, or something along those lines. You might also want to mention how long you have been doing cross country. Try to set the stage, in general, for the details you currently present.

Undergraduate / Northwestern supplement short answer (atmosphere / location) [2]

You might want to tone down on the obvious hyperbole in your sycophantic praise of Northwestern. Not that you shouldn't engage in sycophantic praise in such essays, but this is a little too over the top:

"Northwestern University is the school of my dreams."
"Northwestern has every attribute of a college that I want to be educated at."
"Northwestern University would be the perfect fit for me"
"Northwestern University is the perfect school for me"
"Northwestern is the school with every aspect that I look for when it comes to education."

Saying that once, as a conclusion emerging from your analysis of all the great qualities Northwestern has, would be okay. Repeating the same sentiment five time in less than 500 words using almost identical wording each time is not.

Apart from that, you seem to have solid reasons for wanting to attend Northwestern. I'd expand on them a bit to replace the above material. You might also want to cut out the bit about your father going to the University of Minnesota, and perhaps even lose the whole football example, as it doesn't really fit well with your other reasons, which tend to be more academic and career oriented.

Grammar, Usage / Writing terminology [3]

A discourse community is pretty much what the term suggests, namely a community (group of people) who are engaged in discourse (conversation). So, for example, an academic journal on a particular subject (Victorian Literature, let's say) would constitute a discourse community composed of all of the authors who contribute to the journal, as well as the journal's editors and its readers. One of the important things to remember about a discourse community is that such a community exists as a community by virtue of shared rules about who can say what how. So, a journal that only ever publishes, say, articles by people who have PhD's, ensures that only fairly elite voices get to speak in that journal's discourse community. Likewise, a journal might only publish pieces that are written in academic English, or that espouse mainstream theories, or that focus almost entirely on fringe theories. In each case, the rules act as limitations that serve to focus the exchange of information into a true discourse, a conversation rather than a series of voices talking across each other unintelligibly.

Writing Feedback / "Scientific Creativolution: Are Evolution and Creation Sciences?" [10]

Well, if you post the essay so that people can read it, I'll be happy to offer feedback.

Undergraduate / describe educational interest(essay which needs comment) [3]

Overall, the content here is generally good. You might want to cut out most of the first and third paragraphs, though, in order to maintain focus on the math/accounting/finance area that is your main area of interest. The discussion of overseas training and drawing and Pipa breaks what is otherwise a fairly natural flow in an essay that moves between three closely related academic topics.

Undergraduate / Question regarding Uni of Virginia supplement essay [9]

I'd go with which ever approach seems more natural to you. Either topic has potential, so its just a matter of which one you think you can write better.

Undergraduate / 'an expert in the field of finance' - University of Pennsylvania's Short Answer [5]

Overall, a good essay. You respond to the question by giving a glowing appraisal of the professor, which is pretty much what the prompt asks you to do. You might want to add in some details about your own research ideas, and how they would fit in with Allen's research interests, but that's up to you. Apart from that, a couple of suggestions for the opening:

"a very prolific researcher and is very singular in his field as he is an avid researcher." This essentially repeats itself.

". . . economics of information and his current projects involving the comparison of different countries financial systems and the in depth analysis of the current financial crises, a main interest of mine." I'd divide this into two sentences. So ". . . economics of information. Moreover, his current projects involving the comparison of different countries financial systems and the in depth analysis of the current financial crises are a main interest of mine."

Undergraduate / 'milestone in our life' - Babson Supplement, a letter to your first-year roommate [4]

First, the positive -- you have a smooth writing style, and are generally upbeat and coherent.

Now, for the things you can change:

"inside gut" = "gut"

"I may not be president of any clubs or be in the top five percent of my class, but it is no doubt to me or the people who know me that the scholarly pursuit of an education is what I am meant to do." Never draw attention to your weaknesses in an application essay unless specifically asked to do so by the prompt.

"Life will me won't be difficult" I assume you mean "life with me"

"After all, sharing space with a friend or stranger is a new experience for most students. Nonetheless, you will not have to worry about living with me. I am everything that a roommate could ask for. Living with me will be a great adventure, and I promise you that it will be nothing but a fun, supportive, and healthy experience. This will be one of the greatest moments in our lives as we will enter a new chapter at Babson. Over the course of four years, I will always be there for you." Given that this is supposed to be a letter to your new roommate, perhaps you should replace the bubbling optimism of this paragraph with a more realistic assessment based on useful details about yourself. Do you like to stay up late? Do you listen to music? If so what type? Are you uber clean, or do you like to think of your floor as a second closet? How will your answers to those questions, and others like them, determine how well you and your roommate get along?

Undergraduate / 'From India, but lived in America' - admission my college education, experience [3]

This essay lacks focus. You start off talking about how important your friends are to you, move on to your wanting to major in business, then talk about why you want a good education. The three ideas are sort of connected (you say you want to be a business woman to help people, and go to school to get the education to do that) but the connections are too loose for your writing to be effective. Put another way, you don't have a clear thesis. Decide which of these three ideas is most important to your essay, then relate all of the other ideas back to that. So, you might decide that the most important point is that you want to be a business woman to help others. You might then start off with "I want to attend XYZ university in order to become a business woman who can help others." Then, depending upon the wording of the prompt, you would go on to talk in detail about how attending XYZ would allow you to become a business women OR how being a business woman would allow you to help others, OR how your desire to help others led you to want to become a business woman. Whichever approach you choose will dictate how much (or how little) detail for each of the three ideas you include.

Undergraduate / Another Essay: It is now 2013. How has Macaulay Honors College changed you? [6]

The essay sounds a bit repetitive. In part, this is because you actually have three short paragraphs (intro, body, conclusion) in an essay that really isn't long enough to support that format. In part, it is a matter of your relying on a limited vocabulary. For instance, you use the word "experience" five times, and the word "knowledge" four times. I would merge the three paragraphs into one to eliminate some of the repetitive phrasing, and use some synonyms for those words that still crop up several times.

Undergraduate / 'International student body for research' - Help with a Columbia U short answer [6]

A couple of phrases sound a bit . . . well, arrogant is the only word that comes to mind. Specifically "satisfying my every whim and desire" and "dominate both tasks." Perhaps you could cut the former and replace the latter with "excel at both tasks." Apart from that, your response looks good.

Essays / SOP question confusion: explanation of your proposed field of study [3]

I'd say the question is asking you to explain what exactly you plan to study, not just the general subject but the specific subtopic, along with the avenues of research you plan to explore. So, for example, "I am interested in studying the portrayal of criminality in Victorian Literature. I am especially interested in how various authors reconcile the tensions between the social and individual courses of crime . . ." and so on.

Book Reports / how does the representation of childhood and adolescence shape the meaning [2]

Well, the childhood experiences of Cathy and Heathcliff shape the way those characters turn out. Heathcliff's indulgence by his adoptive father, the subsequent neglect/abuse by his step-brother, and the conversation he half overhears between Cathy and the housekeeper all shape who Heathcliff becomes -- a human monster bent on exacting vengeance on the Linton's and Earnshaws. Likewise, in Frankenstein, the creature is intelligent and initially peaceful, but becomes determined to exact vengeance on his creator when it becomes obvious that he (the creature, that is) is so hideous that all inevitably treat him with fear and loathing. There are enough parallels there to base an essay on.

Undergraduate / Brown, business - undergraduate essay supplement [3]

Start by reading the Brown website. See how they are marketing themselves, what qualities they say they have that their competitors don't, etc. Then, when you write the essay, you can talk about how you are interested in business economics for reasons that map on to those qualities. So, for example, the Brown website talks about how the university is based on a model in which teaching is as important to the professors as doing research. This is different from most universities, in which the professors are primarily interested in doing research, and teach because they have to in order to help the university make enough money to pay them for that research. So, you could talk about how you are drawn to business economics because it is a field that combines practical and theoretical elements. This mirrors Brown's own dedication to mixing the practical and theoretical through its "collaborative university-college model." And so on . . .

Undergraduate / Question regarding Uni of Virginia supplement essay [9]

Your essay will be stronger if you focus on one specific illusion for at least part of the essay, especially given that the prompt asks you to do that. You might start by talking about the first one you ever saw, then discuss how that led you to seek out others, for instance. You could then conclude by talking about what your interest in optical illusions has taught you in general.

Writing Feedback / Charlotte Brontë: Jane Eyre Essay [3]

I would expand greatly on the introduction by discussing in detail what Victorian conventions are relevant to your essay. You also might want to include a detailed definition of "feminism" at some point. At the moment, you seem to be using the word to mean either "defying Victorian convention" (which is not in and of itself necessarily feminist) or "refusing to do what men want," which is, at best, with some important qualifiers that you lack, an element of feminism rather than its essence. If you were to rewrite the introduction to include these definitions, you would find it much easier to tighten up your body paragraphs.

Speaking of your body paragraphs, they should contain quotations. Specifically, you should quote extensively from Jane Eyre, as well as from at least one biography of Bronte. The quotations you include should help you prove the points you make in each paragraph. So, for instance, when Jane Eyre decides not to become Rochester's mistress, what reasoning does she give the reader? Rochester himself? What does what Jane says about the issue reveal about her view of how women should act? What does Rochester's view reveal about Victorian conventions? etc.

Writing Feedback / toefl: Why are groups or organizations important to people? [3]

I'd replace the "my reasons are as follows" with a summary of those reasons instead.

I'd also throw some more concrete examples into the second paragraph. So, give an example of a group that helps children learn to socialize. Don't just give the name of the group, either -- explain specifically what the group does that improves social skills.

For the third paragraph, just add more details to your existing example. You mention that you took part in a mass media group, and that allowed you to learn to work with others and to meet famous artists. You might want to explain how, exactly, working with the group did this. I'd leave off the last sentence, since the point of the paragraph has nothing to do with the benefit of group work as resume builders.

In the third paragraph, you start out by talking about how individuals can achieve their goals through participating in charity, but end by talking about how charities can use individuals to promote their agenda. Focus throughout on how working for a charity can allow an individual to do more social good than he/she could do on his/her own.