Undergraduate / All roads lead to Rome. Share about a person who greatly influenced your life and why? [4]

Bert, your essay was going swimmingly before you made a grammatical error that totally destroyed the whole essay. I am going to discuss it below.


The highlighted portion is the part that made your essay fall apart. All the while you were telling us that your mother supported you and transferred you to another school to help you. She did not use corporal punishment nor did she force you to conform with the educational system. Yet in this paragraph you are telling us that she taught you the value of conformity? Do you see the problem here? You need to revise this paragraph in order to save the whole essay.

Writing Feedback / "Hey my son Military writ came for you" - should national service be mandatory for young adults? [4]

Khusel, you need to revise the start of your essay. Although you presented a very strong sentiment right from the start, you neglected to inform the reader about the topic to be discussed through the restated prompt, the point of views that will be considered in the body of the essay, and finally, your statement or opinion on the matter. That said, I hope that you will write a new introduction while I work on editing the content of your essay for you. It has quite a number of grammatical problems so I will be rewording the essay to show you the proper sentence structure for your paragraphs. These can be used as examples for your future essays.


- Mandatory military service is not a requirement in all countries. However, my country requires all young men to enter military service at the age of 17. Now some parents argue that the government should not have the power to draft their young men into military service because the country is not at war. Other parents though, support this mandatory draft even in peace time because they believe that it builds the character and physical strength of young men.( Insert your point of view here)


- Serving in the military builds responsible young men and allows them to discover their strengths and correct their weaknesses. At the age of 17, which is when the draft happens in my country, most young men are on the verge of being influenced by negative social habits such as drugs and alcohol. By entering military service, they are given a chance to correct their lives if they are already starting down the wrong path, or never start on the wrong path if they have not tried any negative vices yet.


- If this is your point of view, you should present this as part of your introduction. Then use this paragraph to build upon your reasons for supporting the military draft.


- We can actually work on strengthening this conclusion once you have adjusted the body of your essay. Your sentiment is good, you just need to learn how to word it properly :-)

Undergraduate / "I come from a world that has a dance floor" - UC Personal Statement Prompt 1 [3]

Teddy, this is a very good example of an abstract world that you turned into a reality for the reader. You took us into the unique world of a dancer and showed us how it helped shaped you as a person along with your dreams and ambitions. Let me help you out with certain issues your paper has though. You can find my suggestions for polished paragraphs below.


- I come from the world of dance. With its sleekly polished wooden floors and crystal clear mirrors, the science of fluid body movement captured my interest as a high school freshman. I can still remember watching the dance crew at the Annual Arts and Wine Festival and thinking that I would like to give living in their world a try. Upon joining a dance team as the most inexperienced member, I quickly realized that dance was not as simple nor as easy at it looked. I was so bad at dancing at first that a 12 year old girl who had just recently joined the dance team was doing pirouettes around me. Yet I refused to let the fact that I was the worst dancer on the team deter me from immersing myself in the world that I knew I wanted to belong in. Regardless of the bad judgement calls that were thrown my way, I refused to be discouraged and eventually, I was able to gain mastery of my dance moves and convince the others that I truly belonged with them.


- The dance world is unforgiving of those who make mistakes. Injuries abound and intense practice sessions were a part of daily life. It is a world that commands you to never surrender on your dreams because in the end, you will be rewarded not only with accolades from the audience, but a sense of self satisfaction that no other activity can provide. My passion for dance intensified with every performance, it was not long before dance became the only world I could live in. It did not take long before I began to wonder if I could do this professionally. I wasn't doing this just for fun anymore, I had been elevated to another level of the dance world and I needed to see where it would lead me.. My dream of becoming a professional dancer had now taken hold of me and I was not about to try to get out of it.

Consider my suggested paragraphs an example of how to enhance your original work. Feel free to ask any questions. I will advise you as best as I can :-)

Writing Feedback / Eeating food in home has many advantages for family relationship [5]

Jen, I'll be offering some examples of how to better say your paragraphs below. That will be in a separate comment line from my analysis of your paragraphs :-)


- Jen, do me a favor here ok? Try to clean up your introduction by adding the necessary components. This includes the restated prompt and method of discussion prior to your opinion. Don't get me wrong, your introduction is good. It can just be better :-)

- People always enjoy eating in luxurious surroundings. That is why restaurants are designed to make the dining experience look and feel good. As far as I am concerned though, nothing beats eating at home for a number of reasons.


- Food preparation at home is always a bonding experience for most families. Marketing for the food and preparing it creates a bonding moment between family members that normally extends to the dining table, where the pleasant conversation is continued as the deliciously prepared meal is shared by the family members. At least that is how my family shares food every Sunday. We cook the food and then shared the meal in the dining room or garden.


- Eating in, as some people prefer to call it, also serves an economic purpose for the person or family as the food budget can be stretched to cover a whole day of meals rather than just one dining experience in the restaurant. Thus freeing up the finances for other more important needs such as paying bills or saving for a new home item.

- Jen, you can still expand upon this reason. It just takes a little research :-) This is a very good reason that can use a second example to make the point more reasonable.


- Good conclusion. You perfectly summed up the prompt, summary of facts, and your opinion in a mere 2 sentences. Add another one to make it 3 sentences which is the minimum number of sentences per paragraph in an essay :-)

Undergraduate / I want to be unique and special; I never wanted to be conventional like others - Application essay [6]

Sa1na, I'm a her :-) More editing coming your way :-)



- ... that cannot be found anywhere else in the world .


- Why are you shouting at the admissions officer? Do not use all caps when writing essays unless specified in the instructions. All caps is only acceptable when it serves as an acronym.

- Explain how each of these places (?) / courses located within the university will help you advance academically. Give the reader a reason to believe that these are truly courses or programs that will help you during your studies at the university.


- I am particularly excited by the opportunity to participate in the annual computer science competitions under the able tutelage of revered computer science professors JOsh McCoy and Mohammad Owrang Ojaboni. I would consider it the greatest honor to have them validate my early work in the scientific field of computing.

Sa1na, see if this version works for you. Don't forget the revision I explained above. Chose just one program to describe. It does not have to be a whole list. We just need to illustrate how you would use the program to your advantage :-) We can cut it down to 250 when everything has been set in place.

Undergraduate / Child Labor NGO community - non-academic pursuit [10]


- Sa1na, your essay has vastly improved. However, there is a problem with your conclusion that you need to fix before I can jump in and help you polish the essay. Under proper academic writing rules, you cannot conclude your essay with a question, let alone 2 questions. So you need to go back to your conclusion and revise it. Change the questions to statements and you should be alright.

In a conclusion, one is not allowed to introduce new ideas. By ending your essay with questions, you are posing new ideas for discussion. Which is not done within the paper itself. So it leaves the essay hanging instead. You can however, present questions that you can also present answers to earlier on in the paper. You can choose which paragraphs to add questions to. You just can't do it in the conclusion.

Writing Feedback / "better things that are learned are contained in experiences" - experience vs books knowledge [2]

Your essay has a number of flaws that I will be addressing below. Please consider other ways of presenting the information I am suggesting :-)

- Since this is a compare and contrast essay, you should have immediately applied a comparison and contrast of the two point of views in the introduction prior to serving up your opinion. Something along the lines of "Knowledge can be gained from both experience and books. Which method serves up the better lesson is an issue left up to debate. So it is best to compare and contrast a few beliefs about acquiring knowledge from experience and from books to help settle the issue. In my opinion though, experience is the best teacher and thus, provides more important knowledge to people."


- ... books are the most popular... source of knowledge .
- The weakness of this discussion lies in your use of urban beliefs and sayings. You did not provide any actual evidence to prove that books are the best source of knowledge. School is not a good example either as school offers knowledge from all avenues of learning; books, experience, discussions, etc. Try to develop a strong stand point in support of books and provide acceptable evidence for the claim.

- You have too many examples in this paragraph that do not really help to prove the validity of the common argument in support of experience. Use a more worthwhile example of gaining knowledge. Something everyone can identify with. A simple example will be a child who has been warned not to touch the fire because he will get hurt. He doesn't listen. He touches the fire. He feels pain and hurt. He never touches the fire again. He has learned from experience. Your explanatory sample need not be so complex nor cover so many situations. Just pick one and make sure to strengthen its defense.


- Your voice is missing from this discussion. You were also supposed to provide your opinion on the matter. So you cannot close with the above statement just yet. Offer the insight into your opinion in support of one side. Then you can develop a new concluding statement :-)

Undergraduate / Northwestern Supplemental Essay Personal Statement, unique qualities of NU-Chemical Engineering [11]

Middya, knowing now what happened during your visit, I am going to suggest revising a particular paragraph in order to better reflect the unique qualities of Northwestern.


- The portion that I did not strike out is the portion that I want you to expand upon as quickly but efficiently as you can. What impression did the academic community make on you during those 3 weeks? Do you believe the student social experience would benefit your academic studies there? It would be unique indeed if you could explain how the school and the social community can combine to create a very enticing educational experience for you at the university :-)

I promise, if we go over the word count, I will make sure to help you cut it down to 300 :-)

Undergraduate / Describe when and where you were able to work towards the betterment of your community [9]

Abby, I'll be making notes, comments, and suggestions for your essay as I scan the paragraphs :-)


- ... communityinvolvement evolved steadily ...
- So you learned that these events raised money for scholarships. How did that knowledge affect the way you viewed community service? Was it an eye opener for you? How did community service open your mind to the needs of others?


- ... inner city youth were... unidos proved ...



-... byaiding in free...


- ... I played the tooth...


Save for these revisions, the overall essay content is excellent and right on target with the prompt. You should be proud of yourself for writing such an engaging and interesting paper :-)

Undergraduate / I want to be unique and special; I never wanted to be conventional like others - Application essay [6]

Sa1na,you totally missed the point of the essay prompt. It is not asking you to discuss the non-existence of your ambition in life. It is not asking you how you will persevere in order to learn at the university either. The only answer that you gave which was close to answering the prompt was the line that says


That simple line is the backbone of the essay. Have you done research into the classes offered by the university? Do you have an idea of what classes you want to take and why? Does it relate to your interest in the aforementioned fields of study? If the answer to those questions turns out to be yes, then you have found the answers that will satisfy the prompt. Talk about the classes that you are looking forward to attending and why. Mention any notable professors whose classes you look forward to taking. If you are interested in any internship programs that the university offers, talk about it. Those are the answers that will answer the prompt:


All those answers will completely satisfy the provided prompt :-)

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Cheap flights should not be discouraged [4]

- zjxhz, that is exactly what I was pointing out to you. You must always present a clear point of view in the introduction because it tells the reader what to expect in the discussion. When you use ambiguous terms and references, the meaning can and will get lost in the mind of the reader. Always say what you mean and constantly reiterate it if necessary within the various parts of the essay. Right now, it seems like you had one opinion at the start of the essay and then changed your mind about it after the discussion was completed. That is not a good trait in a writer.

Undergraduate / Describe when and where you were able to work towards the betterment of your community [9]


- Yes, that definitely works. It is a good transition sentence. Don't worry about your lack of essay writing skills at this point. Just keep writing. We will guide you with your essay writing to the point where you will eventually feel comfortable writing because you finally developed your own writing style :-) Don't be afraid to ask questions about how to improve your essay and remember, practice makes perfect :-)


- It is better. However, I can say that with finality until I see how it merges with the other parts of the essay. So once you complete the revision, you should post it here so that we can review the essay again :-)

Undergraduate / Personal Narrative, Background story; Undergraduate Admissions [4]

Tempestx, you should really start a new thread for that particular prompt so that we can concentrate solely on helping you improve that essay also. Mixing it with this thread will confuse not only you, but the advisers as well. I will offer you some guide questions to base your essay upon here though, only because you are planning to write that essay already. So here it goes:


- You should definitely write about what incidents in your life helped you become the person you are today. If it means writing about your weight loss journey and how you learned to let your cooking speak for you then so be it. Write a draft and then post it in a separate thread. Remember to concentrate on the issues that led to your weight gain and then the problems it posed. Then talk about your journey towards weight loss and the lessons you learned from both incidents. That is all I can think of for now. I am sure that we can help you further once you post your prompt and draft in a new thread.

Undergraduate / "A dreamer" - Personal essay about directions for the future [11]

Community, let me see if I can help you bring the essay in under the word count. While the maximum word count helps you to end the essay at a particular point, Not all essays need to take up the maximum words. More can actually be said using less words. I will try to show you how that is done :-) I'll also pay particular attention to your ending and help you to strengthen it.



- ... edgeof the cliff ,...


- I pleaded for help from the ...
- Try to avoid any religious references in order to not offend any religious minded people who might be reading your essay.


- I no longer hesitate to stand up for myself in a logical manner. Using my gift of analysis and logic to open the minds of the bullies each time they tried to force me to answer "Where are you really from?". Where I came from no longer matter. I realized that they would not understand that the answer to that question was simply "I come from the earth. Just like you." I was now the wise defender of the meek and bullied. I grew stronger the day I decided to stand up to bullying and began to defend the others being bullied in school.


- I survived bullying by learning to turn it into my friend. I know that there are others out there suffering in the same way that I did. Now that I know how to defeat this unseen enemy, I have decided to turn the end of bullying into a personal crusade. I will be the bullied person's best friend and teach him to find his voice so he too can stand up for himself and become stronger in the future.

Does this work for you? How did we do on the word count? I know we were able to bring it down :-)

Scholarship / Assisting others and working in the school environment is a passion of mine. Harvard app. [5]

Violetar, while I agree that your essay is generic in feel and content, I believe that it can be used as the foundation of your Harvard app. What we need to know right now is what the essay app prompt is so that we can help you design the prompt answer that could be considered Harvard material. It is the question being asked that will help us advise you regarding what particular traits Harvard is looking for in a student. The essay is your preliminary interview. So you need to strengthen your essay by offering the specific details that you are being asked to present. In an ivy league essay, it is best to never offer information that is not being asked.

What I am trying to tell you is this, the prompt creates the foundation for your Harvard app. It is the guideline by which your answer will fall into the unspoken criteria for admissions consideration. There is no secret to getting admitted to an ivy league school. You never really know what it is about your essay that will catch the attention of the admissions officer or admissions committee during final consideration. So just write the best essay that you can and let the admissions officer do his job.

All we can do for you here is help you polish the content and ensure, to the best of your and our abilities, that your essay is properly answering the prompt provided. Once you are confident that you have achieved that goal, then the essay is ready for submission.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Make decision by myself or by parents. [3]

Yuu, I have some comments that I hope will help you create a more serious and stronger TOEFL essay.

- Prior to presenting your opinion in the essay, you need to create the foundation for the discussion through the introduction. Just restate the prompt, offer the two sides that you will be considering on the issue, then present your point of view. Those are the guidelines for writing an effective introduction

For your first body, you can explain why some children prefer to seek their parents advice before making a decision. Then ease us into your point of view by introducing some wrong decisions that your parents made for you which will then transition the reader into your stand against allowing your parents to make decisions for you.

- This is a weak reason for not seeking your parents advice when making decisions or allowing them to make decisions for you. Rather than telling a personal story about conflict with your parents, you should talk about character and independence building instead. Those are human responsibility progressions that cannot be built if the parents constantly make decisions for their children.

- Do you really want the reader to see you as a brat? That is how you are coming across with your discussion topics. You are not presenting solid and logical arguments with supporting evidence at this point. This particular statement sounds more like a temper tantrum than a reason to trust that you can properly make decisions for yourself based upon logical reasons. Don't use this paragraph. Change it totally.

Remember to revise the essay under time constraint as well so that you can practice writing and revising in a TOEFL similar environment.

Undergraduate / Passion, determination, and my drive is what takes me forward in providing any type of service; FSU [2]

Jai, is there a word limit to your essay? I am asking because I need to keep track of the word count :-)

- You should find a way to present your strong sense of service to the community from the very first sentence of your essay. Most importantly, you should start the essay with a keyword or two taken from the prompt whenever possible just to set the tone for the discussion. In this case, you should use the word "service" immediately.

- It is not a good idea to present this statement to the admissions officer. You don't want the first impression of you to be that of a selfish brat who only looks out for his benefit and no one else.

- Start your essay body at this point. Give a reason as to why you agreed to volunteered at the hospital. Include a line about being interested in serving the community, etc. so you can represent the requirements of the prompt immediately.

- Don't use complimenting statements towards the university in your essay. Instead, build upon the foundation of your essay by explaining your bigger dreams for community service on a personal basis. The university should not be involved in developing your civic minded activities at this point since it was not specified as a portion of your essay. Do not offer information that is not requested.

Writing Feedback / A job should mean a job for life! [3]


- Vns, what happened to your introduction? This is not the proper introduction format. You need to properly represent the prompt, discussion, and your opinion. This is just a simple statement of fact. There is no room for analysis presented.


- Rather than going into your generalized point of view on the topic, you should first define what a job is. From there, you can move on to a public definition of the same word, before ending with your statement above, which is your definition of a job.


- Money is the most common reason for having a job. You need to stop being so generic in your discussion and go into deeper meaning analysis. The very title of this essay tells us that we should analyze the meaning of a job in relation to our lives. So a good discussion would look into the personal reasons that people get a job. Self - Fulfillment, achieving a lifelong goal, or even a social statement are reasons that people take a lifelong job. This is what is meant by "A job should mean a job for life." Some people dedicate their whole lives to their job, even if the pay is negligible. See if you can discuss this from that point of view.


- Remember the lesson you were taught about conclusions? No new ideas can be presented in that section. So you should just wrap this up. You know how :-)

Fix those portions and we will help you with the grammar errors next :-)

Undergraduate / Describe when and where you were able to work towards the betterment of your community [9]

Abby, some notes for you to consider:


- Abby, this is a flat introduction that does nothing to grab the attention of the reader. Rather than filling the space with this, go directly to your second paragraph. That has the hook that makes it an effective introduction to your essay theme.


- Start off the sentence with the age that you became involved with the Estamos Unidos work. That way your civic minded trait will become evident from the very beginning of your character formation years.


You need a transition sentence in the previous paragraph that will prepare the reader for the new community activity in the next paragraph. Don't just hit the reader with another activity when his mindset is still in the previous mode.Write a transition for every activity paragraph you create.


- It would help your essay immensely if you describe your personal growth throughout these activities. That way we can see how you bettered yourself along with the community. If you built new relationships with the community members through your participation in these activities, then open our eyes to that as well.

Once you have addressed these portions, the grammar and other issues of the paper can be addressed already :-)

Writing Feedback / Sports facilities should be adopted parallel with sports contests and health events [2]


Kyrsten,excellent introduction even though you forgot to present your point of view. As you know the essay asks you to discuss both points of view and then offer your opiion. It is the lack of introduction to your point of view that weakened your introduction. Fix the introduction by including your point of view.


- Good argument. However, you speak of facilities where people pay to use machines. These are not sports facilities but work out facilities. A work out is different from a sports activity. Refer instead to the public swimming pools, free use basketball courts, university track and field, or sports clubs where people pay to participate in sports. That is more in line with your essay prompt.


- Your argument is flawed. Majority of the sports facilities have outdoor settings because of the space required to play the sport. Also, those who participate in the sports activities are usually sports minded people who enjoy the said activity on a regular basis. Engaging in sports costs money so not everyone can engage in it. Re-evaluate your reasoning in this paragraph and improve upon it.


- Instead of suggesting a conference, offer suggestions instead as to how public health can be better improved without creating more sports facilities.


- This is a good opening to your closing statement. Now beef it up by restating the prompt, giving a summary run-down, and repeating your stand.

Undergraduate / Northwestern Supplemental Essay Personal Statement, unique qualities of NU-Chemical Engineering [11]

Before I correct other parts of your essay, I would like to advise you to work on developing the portion where you discuss Lake Michigan and your time spent on the campus. I noticed that it was severely under developed as a paragraph, almost as if you inserted it as an after thought. It would greatly help your essay if you discuss how the student community is unique in your eyes. What makes it special and how do you think your learning process can be enhanced by these areas. You can draw on the experience of your visit for that information. I can help you to find the right place to position that paragraph within the essay. It just feels like the essay is not complete without that information. One that is added, we can further edit the paper. Don't get me wrong, the essay is shaping up quite well, I just want to see if it can be made better with additional information :-)

Undergraduate / "A dreamer" - Personal essay about directions for the future [11]

Further corrections as requested :-)


- ... tryingnot to be... neverlooked back ... myself that the obstacles made me...
- Exactly what was it that they appreciated or revered you for? It would be nice to know that information.


- What made you say that? How did that happen? You need to explain it.


- How do you plan to stop the bullying? An overview would be much appreciated in order to show your maturity and change of character from weak to strong.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: the advertisement aimed at children should be restricted or even banned [3]


- This is a good hook. However, your point of view is a bit confusing to understand. What exactly are you trying to say? Also, the grammar problem bogs it down. Let me work on that for you.

- While an overwhelming... beneficial to human...

- There is a chance that advertising may be truly harmful to children and by extension, us. Since the ads are marketed towards children, they are easily influenced by the advertisements. As such, the children pressure their parents to buy them unnecessary things. Then the children are encouraged to follow certain trends constantly, thus adding to the consumer society problem. Glamorous ads attract consumers from all walks of life, selling a lifestyle and consequently, creating a more materialistic society with each passing day.

- The negative effects of advertising aside, it still seems like there are some reasons that advertising provides more benefits than pitfalls. It is the only way people can be informed of new products that they may need. The advertising industry also employs thousands of people in ad agencies and its umbrella partners in ad creation. Without advertising, the free market will cease to exist.

- You actually present one too many ideas in this paragraph that should be discussed and developed individually. Try doing that then let's see if it will further improve the essay.


- You are concluding the essay so there should not be any new information discussions here.

Abdurasul, why did your discussion center on the effects of advertising on children when the prompt stated that you needed to agree with a point of view regarding


? You need to revise the overall essay to fit directly into the provided prompt There is no mention of children in the prompt so concentrating on them as the center of this essay is misguided. Your essay has totally deviated from the prompt provided. In the real IELTS scenario, you would have already failed this portion of the test.

Undergraduate / 'one-dimensional life'; in search for new ways of defining my success - Penn State Statement [3]

The essay is not asking you to think of whether you will succeed at Penn State or not. It is asking you to tell the admissions officer how you believe you will succeed there using your life lessons as the basis of your answer. The current content of the essay is very weak because it concentrates on your weaknesses as a person. That said, you need not enumerate your failures in life. Rather, you must discuss your successes instead. Choose one of your more notable successes and make that the center of this essay. For eample, recall the time when you first traveled alone to a strange place. Discuss how you were able to adapt and blend in with the members of the new community. Be as detailed as possible and then relate it to the way you view the student community of Penn State. This is one example of showing how you will succeed in immersing yourself into the Penn State social strata. Or consider an academic achievement you had in the past that helped you overcome certain obstacles in your life. Detail that event and then explain how that experience will be the foundation of all your future actions as a successful student at Penn State. There are even more ways to go with this essay prompt. You just need to get creative about answering it :-)

Don't downgrade yourself in the eyes of the admissions officer. That would defeat the purpose of the essay application. Build yourself up as a confident student who will not allow anything to prevent you from succeeding in your academic and/or social life at Penn State.

Writing Feedback / IELTS- Should foreign visitors pay more than local visitors for tourist sites? [2]

Sam, I will revise and review your essay by showing you how the content can be improved. My comments will be in green text.


- More and more people have traveled to other countries over the recent decades for vacation. These tourists visit cultural and historical attractions on the same days that the citizens of a country also visit it. However, both kinds of visitors to these sites pay the same rate. Recently, the public has become divided concerning the entrance fees to these places. It is believed by some that since tourists are the main reason that these destinations are built and maintained, they should pay more than the locals for the privilege of visiting these places. I do not agree with that statement for a number of reasons.

- Your introduction was incomplete. I just showed you how to improve it.


- One cannot justify the reason as to why tourists should pay more than locals for the privilege of visiting a tourist site. Everyone is a tourist in a country, even its own citizens. It is a place where all people gather to learn more about the country and its history. Therefore, the people who go there should shoulder the same expenses, since they enjoy the same privileges anyway. Tourists would definitely shy away from visiting certain attractions if they had to pay more than the locals to get in. It could lead the tourists to think that the country is only after taking their money but not really letting them enjoy the attractions of the country.


- You already presented solid reasons in the previous statement. Now you should present the opposing point of view and show how that argument is weak. By doing so, you further strengthen your personal argument.

Undergraduate / "So are you Canadian or Chinese?" - sense of fractured self comes from this question [4]

Chris, yes, this essay will definitely work for the prompt you described. However, you will need to adjust the essay in order to align better with the requirements of the new application essay. This means that you will not only have to revise and rephrase the essay, but you may need to add or remove certain information, depending upon the needs of the paper.

I really think that you should try to write a fresh version of the essay using the same topic in order to avoid plagiarism problems with your essay applications. It is also very difficult to rely on a generic essay for the fulfillment of all your application needs. So you will need to analyze the new essay prompt and look for differences in requirements within the similarity of the prompts. If you can post the prompt here, we might be able to advise you as to how you can adjust your current essay to make it sound entirely different while still using the same topic as the subject of the essay.

You also have to be willing to do the work because we can only guide you in the revision of the essay. We cannot write it for you :-) So you will need to be patient because we may need to edit the essay a number of times before it totally feels different from the first one that you wrote.

Undergraduate / Short Leadership, academics and creative and performing art essays [4]

I offer you more content corrections than grammar errors at this point because you used a lot of fillers and did not adequately discuss the roles you were presented with.


- Use the prefect leadership role instead. That is more impressive to read about.


- You should be describing your academic performance in school rather than in a competition that you cannot fully explain in this portion.


- This is a very weak presentation. It is not impressive at all. I advice you to change it.

You need to add more activities to your list. You are supposed to discuss 5 activities per field at 50 words per activity.Double check the statement requirements.

Undergraduate / an unexpected event changed the course of my life; UT admission -Describe an obstacle [4]

Kla, you have to write the essay and then post it here with the prompt. We do not write the essay for you. We only review and advice you regarding the content. We help you clean up the essay or fix the grammar and punctuation problems. You have to at least write a draft of the essay and post it here in order to get advice from the forum members. You seem to be mistaken about the kind of assistance we offer here. We are not in a position to write an essay for you because that is something that you have to do based on your knowledge and understanding of the essay prompt.

You can come here after you have done that so that you can post your essay for review and advice. Right now, there is no way we can offer you any assistance because you have not given us anything to work with. Do your work as required by the essay and get back to us. Then we can engage you in a discussion about how you can further improve your paper :-) Good luck with your draft ! We are looking forward to helping you finalize it :-)

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Cheap flights should not be discouraged [4]


- This should be your second paragraph instead of your introduction. You need to restate the prompt, offer the two points of view for discussion, and then present your opinion on the matter. Only after doing that can you launch into offering point of view discussions.

You also need to fix or finalize what your real opinion on the matter is. That is because at the start, you say that people should be free to choose their means of transportation. I quoted that point of view below:


But then at the end of the essay, you conclude by saying that:


- So which is which? Why did you suddenly change your point of view? You need to clarify this point because your essay just failed to get a passing grade.

Undergraduate / I have always wanted to be a little different from others - SOP - SCAD [4]

Xi, your essay really answers the prompt in great detail. The problem is that your answers are not in chronological order. The admissions officer needs to see your talent progression from the very start. So you need to open the essay with a hook about your childhood discovery of art. It is at this portion that you can discuss the influence of your parents in relation to developing your interests in the arts. Then move on to the influence that your school had over the way you developed your artistic talent. Don't forget to mention any special classes you attended, amateur exhibits that you may have participated in, and any accolades that you have received for your work.

From point, you can transition to the development of your modern art work and the influence of the artistic greats on the development of your painting style. Don't be afraid to admit if you borrowed a style and tried to make it your own. This will open up the discussion to you "out of the box" reference in your essay. Transition from there to the reasons you decided to apply for admission to SAIC.

Try to review your essay and decide which portions you can delete without affecting the overall theme of your essay. It is too long at the moment and I am afraid to suggest anything for deletion as it might affect the context of the essay. I will leave that decision up to you.

The essay is really very good. It just needs to focus more and organize the way it is being told. Try to use an outline for the chronological discussion before you write the revised version of the essay. That will help you tighten the content and decide upon which portions to delete.

Undergraduate / "So are you Canadian or Chinese?" - sense of fractured self comes from this question [4]

Wonderful essay! You have presented a highly engaging and relevant background story for yourself that shows us how clearly you understand yourself and what the prompt expected you to talk about. However, it feels a little bit too long so I will try to help you shorten it whenever I can. There are also some grammatical issues that we need to address. I will point those out and correct it for you also. Let's get started :-)

- ...as opposed to a local one. Hence my affinity for British tea. Despite Hong Kong being my home...

- This is an irrelevant part of your essay because it deals more with your parents than you. So it is not really important. It will also tighten the focus of your essay once you delete this part.

- I will not change any part of this paragraph. It perfectly sums up how you dealt with your identity crisis :-)


- Combine these sentences into one paragraph to maximize its effect as a strong conclusion.

Undergraduate / "A dreamer" - Personal essay about directions for the future [11]

What I see from the character of the student is a person who has the gift of patience. You tried to stay away from defending yourself physically until you could stand it no further. So that shows a tremendous amount of self restraint on your part. Which is also a nice trait in a person. However, the problem with the essay is that you titled it "Dreamer" but there was nothing in the essay that referred to your dreams. It could have been the dream of taking down the bullies or overcoming the bad situation you were in. Normally, when you choose a title for your essay, it already describes the content. But in this case, the title did not really make any sense because whatever dream you had was never made clear nor addressed in the narrative. Perhaps you should rethink the title of your essay?

The topic is not cliche. In fact, it is very timely. So you should really develop the bullying portion of your experience and discuss how you overcame the bullying and what lessons you learn about your inner strength, ability to overcome obstacles, and lessons that you learned about dealing with people whose culture and mindset does not offer tolerance for others.

Undergraduate / "A dreamer" - Personal essay about directions for the future [11]

Community, I will clean up the paragraphs for you and make any comments per paragraph :-)


- ...I would also doubt what I was hearing if I were them.It is difficult to believe that a model student, a boy who ... could go through ...


- I came to China at the age of 9 as a dreamer filled with hope. As a foreign third grader who was unfamiliar with the surroundings, I ended up being bullied. Maybe it was because I was a bit obese, perhaps it was because of my high pitched voice, whatever the reason, I was disrespected by my peers. I had no friends, cold stares greeted me wherever I went in school I was physically abused in every way, shape, and form.


- Merge these two paragraphs because these are connected.
- Being the eldest child in my family, I knew that I had to be more responsible for myself. I did not want to make my parents worry so I never told them what was happening to me. I would fake being happy at school for the next 3 years. I did approach my teachers and school authorities though. It was a futile exercise because the bullies had powerful parents so my pleas for help went unheeded. When I finally defended myself, it resulted in public humiliation as I was publicly slapped by my teacher and forced to apologize to the bully. I did what I was told to do because I was a coward and I knew nobody would stand up for me even if they knew the truth.


- The bullying continued even when I changed schools. I did my best to seek the help of the persons in charge at school, hoping they would help me and guide me out of the darkness of my school life. All my efforts were in vain. There were no punishments, no actions taken to protect me. I felt the frustration building within me.Instead of turning rebellious and violent, I chose to use it as determination instead. I was determined to make a change. I was not going to take the bullying anymore. My body was physically tired, I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. I even considered suicide for a time. I knew that if I wanted to stop the bullying. I had to do something to make it happen for myself.


- Your train of thought is not clear in this sentence. You said that you needed to do something to make change happen for myself. Yet you do not tell us what you did to stop the bullying. You need to discuss that because that is the very essence of this paper. You survived bullying. Tell us how you did it. Tell the inspiring story of a student who survived bullying. Change this paragraph. It is a very weak conclusion to your powerful essay.

Consider my suggested paragraph changes for your paper. It should help bring down your word count :-) We will be here to help you polish this paper to the point where you will be comfortable submitting it so don't hesitate to ask questions or seek additional advice regarding writing the essay :-)

Undergraduate / I've learnt about value of education and importance of improving from one generation to the next [2]

Blueeyesw, while the story of your grandfather and father is very touching and hits the right emotional notes, it is a very shallow basis for a background story that would compel an admission officer to consider you for admission to the university you are applying to. The story you told is central to the identity of your family success. It does not illustrate a strong story that tells us how your identity --- who you are, what you have become, came to be. What did YOU pass through in life that brought you to this point? What was the biggest character building scenario that took place in YOUR life. We need to learn more about you, not about the history of your family. So while this narrative is very good, it fails to deliver the expectations of the prompt. It is weak and does not help advance or promote the possibility of your uniqueness as a person which would make you an excellent addition to the university community.

You still have time to develop another essay that is centered upon YOU. Not your father, not your grandfather. Their story, although connected to education, does not resonate with the reader. All we learned about you from this essay is that you value education, all college applicants value education, that is why you are applying to college in the first place. We learned that you will be the second in your family to potentially graduate from college. Guess what? Nothing special about that either. The life story of your parents and grandparents compel you to do well in school, it's a pretty common foundation of college application stories from foreign students. What you need is a story that will make you stand out from the crowd of applicants. Find that special story about you and tell it. That will show us the central event in your life that helped build your identity.

Undergraduate / 'sleeping on air mattresses' - CU Boulder Personal Essay for Undergraduate Transfer [2]

You clock in with 496 words. There is room for a portion of the essay that I suggest you develop. Explain how you worked your way back to becoming a whole person. What was that struggle like for you? You mentioned counseling and and using your goals as a motivation. Tell us about those goals and how your past experiences helped you realize what direction you wanted to take your life in. The overall essay is quite touching emotionally and informative. But it can use further development towards the concluding part. Instead of speaking about what you will learn or what you already know in relation to sociology, talk to us about how your past experiences have strengthened you and helped create the strong person you are now. Tell us how you overcame these obstacles in better detail. That will give us an idea of the world you came from and how you developed into this independent yet caring person of today. Remember, you can always cut back on your back story in favor of telling us more about its effect on you. How did the arrest of your mother's boyfriend affect your lives? Where you a better person somehow when he was around? All of these experiences build up to create your personality. So don't just give an overview, take us into that world. The word count can be brought down later on in editing. It is hard to edit a paper that still has a lot more to say because it has said so little at the moment. There is more to your story than you have told. So tell it in a way that you are comfortable with so we can help you polish your application essay :-)

Scholarship / Marine NROTC Scholarship- Discuss your reasons for wanting to become a Marine Officer. [16]

I am just happy that I was able to help you :-) No thanks required. By the way, I found some hugely minor edits. I know it will be okay because we should be way under the word count now.


- As a participant of the Girls State Program ...


- Lose the apostrophe. It is not required for the plural of students.You use the apostrophe if you want to signify ownership in a sentence.

I wish you the best of luck with your application :-)

Scholarship / Marine NROTC Scholarship- Discuss your reasons for wanting to become a Marine Officer. [16]

Cut out the sentence about the appeal of college being that of a person first arriving in the U.S. Then revise the rest of the sentence to reflect an immediate desire to serve the country instead. This sentence:


Then retain only one of the two volunteer works that you did. Keep the more impressive one. Finally, delete the following sentence:


That should bring you in under the word count without affecting the overall paper. I'm here if you need more help :-)

Scholarship / "Perseverance is key" - Questbridge Bio Essay [3]


- ... gazing into the sky... paused and thought deeply ...


- ... usually have a very hard time comprehending lessons...


- ... one year -old brother...


- Why do you keep saying year apart? Say older brother and older sister instead. Saying year apart does not make sense unless your brother and sister are fraternal twins.

- ... my younger sister ...
Moody, I will stop editing your paper here because of the disconnection in the introductory paragraph and the rest of your essay. You made it clear at the start that this essay was going to speak about your learning disability and then stopped. You turned to talking about your family composition, moving around the Middle East because of your parent's work, and then finally coming to the U.S. You barely touched on your education in Saudi. Where exactly does the learning disability that you experienced in the American school fit in? You need to revise the content by deciding on the central topic of your essay and building it up in the manner that the prompt requires. Do you still have time to do that with less than an hour to go?

Scholarship / Marine NROTC Scholarship- Discuss your reasons for wanting to become a Marine Officer. [16]

Okay, I'll just be using strikeouts this time to bring down the character count.




See if my editing brought the word count down to within the acceptable limits of the prompt. Let me know if we need to delete a few more words :-)

Scholarship / Marine NROTC Scholarship- Discuss your reasons for wanting to become a Marine Officer. [16]

Oops! I did not realize we had gone over by so many characters. Would you mind terribly having to post the completed essay in this thread again? I can't really cut down on the character count until I see the completed form. It will help me decide which portions to delete so the character count will go down. Of course you can also decide for yourself which portions you want to keep or delete. My ideas of what will make this essay better will definitely be different from yours so we should work together to make sure that you are happy with the end result :-) So perhaps meeting halfway would be best at this point?

I think you should cut down the words to your satisfaction and I will do the same. We then post both versions so that you can choose which one is the better fit for you to use. We could even combine our versions if you think that will create the best essay for you. Since we are just finalizing the content and word count, the possibilities are almost limitless :-) Let me know how you wish to proceed so we can work along that path ;-)