Writing Feedback / Students who take a break between the high school and universities are at disadvantage [4]

I hope that my suggestions will be useful to you. I have added some more suggestions that will help you as you continue to develop your writing skills.

3rd paragraph: You can use less specific terms. You can use "some" in place of almost all. You can change this sentence to: "seeking for a candidate who has... This next sentence is good, but you need to explain it better. Ex:

"So when students work before they obtain higher education, it might ease their job hunting process." (If you don't explain this by using students, your essay is not as strong as it could be.)

Please make sure to place commas after transition words such as: On the other hand and Moreover. Also, the word after the transition word in this paragraph should be lowercase (i.e. working).

Jobs should be lowercase. Change the last sentence from experience in to "experience on a students resume,".

I really like the way you end this sentence, but I am going to make a suggestion. You could say references instead of contacts because it is common for other employers to ask for employer references. You also need to replace you and your, with "students".

4th paragraph: Summary and students should not be capitalized. This is a run on sentence at the end. There are only grammar changes that need work.

"... compared with student who have only theoretical knowledge."

Begin the next sentence with, "These additional..."

I think you forgot to add in your summary about the social skills they gain from traveling.

Writing Feedback / Students who take a break between the high school and universities are at disadvantage [4]

I can help you to improve your writing skills. Sometimes you need to have more consistent word choice. Your organization seems pretty good. However, I noticed a run-on sentence because you were trying to say too much. I have suggested changes by paragraph and sentence.

1st paragraph: When you begin your essay, start with the word, "In". I think you should choose the word higher education or degree, not both. For example, if you choose higher education, this would mean that an individual could go to college but may not obtain a degree. On the other hand, if you choose the word degree, your whole essay would refer to those who have studied, achieved their goal, but still face hardships.

Soft-skills should be written as soft skills. I would change this sentence and start with, "Years". Also, you should change the word stunning to great or exciting job opportunity.

Having said that I agree that students who a break between the high school and universities are at disadvantage compared to student travel and work after their high school and before universities.

This last sentence was confusing. Is this statement going to be your opinion in this essay,
Therefore, I agree that students who have a break after completing high school are at a disadvantage compared to students who travel and work before attending a university.

2nd paragraph: Watch you tense! Place a comma after Firstly (or First). Believed is in the past tense and should be changed to believe. This is a run-on sentence. There is too much information. You can end this sentence with the word "life". I would suggest revising this sentence by using students.

Ex: First, I believe that when students travel to another country they are able to explore different historic landmarks, be exposed to local culture, and engage in activities that are outside their normal routine.

I want you to read this example above, so you can see how using the word students, helps you to form a student that is more clear to the reader. You explain this really well. Keep the details in your sentence and you can use my sentence as your guide.

I am going to help you with the rest. Please look for my next post.

Graduate / SOP for studying master in telecommunication and electronics in Germany [2]

I'm sorry it took quite some time to help assist you. I did some research on SOP writing. I hope this helps you and I answered your questions. There are some grammar changes and other information I have included for you to review.

3rd paragraph: I don't understand if your critical project is a future project because you say it belongs to future. Please explain this better. Also, I don't think you need to describe it as a critical project. You can just state it was a project. There should be a hyphen in Wifi. Type it this way: Wi-fi. I think there is too much information when you describe the Wi-fi. Let me try to explain what you are trying to express:

You work included modifying the Wi-Fi protocol to operate similar to the DSRC protocol to be used on vehicles. However, there were no adapters available to run the protocol, so you chose a wireless adapter to assist you in your project. Since you weren't familiar with the C programming language the adapter used, you learned and became proficient in the C programming language to assist with the project.*

*If your information is too brief, it maybe difficult to understand. You don't have to use my example, I just wanted to clarify if this is what you wanted to convey to the reader.

4th paragraph: Besides college academics, I was actively involved in extra-curricular activities. What was your driving force? You could begin this sentence stating how your aim was to be actively involved and help others have a good quality of life.

In the 4th sentence, you can state you organized many events. However, you end this sentence with innovate, which leads the reader to wonder about this innovation. Was it a new product? What did they create?

I think it is amazing that you have a concern about cancer because it is a global concern. However, I think you should focus on your extracurricular activities that involve your field of study. If there is a connection, please explain this to the reader.

5th-7th paragraph:
Take out this information as it pertains to Germany:
-Cost of living
-living in the middle of Europe
-wide range of destinations
-experience a different culture and language
-go for weekend trips
-green grass for studying
-skiing in the winter

I decided not to take every sentence and copy it verbatim from your essay. However, I wanted you to see how this information does not pertain to the program. I have never visited Europe and all of this seems interesting, but please stay focused on the more important details. There are some details that I feel you could include. Some details about Germany may work, after you do some editing. Keep in mind what I mentioned above, and you can keep the rest of the sentences if you feel you want to include them later.

8th paragraph:
You should end with a summary of your skills. For example, someone may say: My innovation, project designs, and work ethic will be invaluable to the university. You need a short summary to make you stand out that summarizes what you have stated.

Conclusion:
Also, I think you should end the letter: Thank you for considering my application and I hope to receive a favorable reply. Also, capitalize you name after sincerely and remember to include your last name before your submission. (You can wait to include your last name, until after you have used this forum. This is just a reminder!)

Graduate / 'I decided to study in Germany' - Motivation Letter for Master Aeronautical [15]

I am hoping you will be happy with these suggestions.

1st paragraph:
Don't capitalize internship throughout this letter. There are some spacing issues. Include the first 5 sentences as one paragraph. These sentences talk about your goal to get an internship.

Here is a suggestion to end this paragraph:
"...pursue my internship in a country that has well-established companies who provide good internships in my field of study."

2nd paragraph:
The next 4 sentences need to be one paragraph. Start the sentence this way:
However, I want to explain the reasons why I am applying for acceptance to your company. I would change part of the next sentence to: ..."earn me an internship at your company." The next sentence, change the last few words to: ..."right candidate for this internship". Delete the word "and" after manufacturer in the next sentence. Also, place a comma after manufacturer. You can end this paragraph after you discuss exchanging ideas with different disciplines and backgrounds.

3rd paragraph: When you discuss the impressive career you want in the aeronautical field, I think this should start a new paragraph. You can end it when you describe exploring the possibilities.

4th paragraph: When you begin this next paragraph, place a period at the end of the sentence. I would like to suggest a change in word choice. Would you like to say filled with gratitude and excitement instead of proud and happy?

Is the company within the britches aeronautical field? If this is related to this internship, then you can keep it in the letter. I didn't study engineering in school. Therefore, I want to make sure you have everything in your letter that will help you to gain an internship.

Letters / Appeal letter to my dream university (SMU School of Business) [5]

I am going to give you a few changes on how you can improve. There are minimal changes. Please remember to proofread before you decide to submit this letter. Also, do you know how long this appeal should be?

1st paragraph:
"I knew I had to display my innate capabilities to SMU, so I decided to take the extremely competitive SAT. When I took the SAT on May 22, 2015, I achieved a perfect score of 2400. I emerged in the top 99th..."

You don't have to capitalize universities.

2nd paragraph:
"...savings of $5,000, and 4 months since its inception it has made $4,000 in profits." Place a comma in the same location as I did with 4,000 for "12000".

3rd paragraph:
"...give them the same answer". "Economics of Globalization" that . Delete the last portion of this paragraph that discusses the clash of beliefs. If you end it discussing new found experiences, I believe this will be sufficient.

4th paragraph: Startups should be lowercase. Also, when I looked up this word, a hyphen wasn't added between the word. I would end the last sentence stating, ..."I believe I have a competitive edge." I believe all of your experiences and academics show you have a drive to succeed so you don't have to make this comparison.

5th paragraph: Don't capitalize universities.

Closing: Delete the comma after mind. Change to "enrollment opportunities to be fully content that I have tried my best to be accepted". I think you should change this sentence to: "I truly believe that everything will work out for the best." You are anticipating a good outcome, it hasn't occurred yet.

Graduate / SOP for graduate program in Cancer Biology. Help me with improvements. [5]

It seems like you have a good balance. You should't exceed one page. If the paper becomes to long, you should decide whether your recent project experience(3rd paragraph) or use of recent technologies(4th paragraph) is going to give them a better understanding of what you want to accomplish in graduate school.

The information I gave you and the corrections, were suggestions I found through research on SOP papers. It is quite common for some to write that they are applying to a Master's program. Here is some information that you covered which meets SOP writing style:

1) You opened with why you want to major in cancer biology. It was a personal story.
2) You talked about your background in the field
3) There could possibly be a journal that is interested in your research
4) You talk about why you want to attend the university. (Thanks for taking my advice!)

If you want to look at a checklist, you can see it through a college website. I googled "how to write a sop for graduate school" and the search result took me to the University of Northern Iowa. Its heading is, "How to write a Great statement of Purpose". There is a checklist if you scroll down to the bottom of the page. As you read your paper, you can check to see if you have included as much as possible to make a good SOP. However, if you are unable to do this, I have already looked at the site and have checked to see if you have written a good statement.

Speeches / College and university entrance exam should be abolished [3]

There are a number of ways that you can discuss it. Power point can be difficult if there is too much or too little information. Keep this mind when doing a power point presentation. If you think about the font size and visuals, you will have a great start. For example, when you do your research if you find the number of college students who fail an entrance exam represented with a chart, this would be great to include. Here are some examples of how you can get started:

1) Your first slide could include a statistic or any other information to open your presentation.
2) Don't focus on too much information, because it is similar to when you prepare a speech. As a speaker you will be telling your audience about the information that you have learned.

3) You should try to simplify the information. If you feel you might get too nervous, you can add more so you can be able to refer to it if you forget what you will say.

Here are some more tips on content and how you can organize information by slides:
1) Discuss some broad points in the beginning and then become more specific
2) You could discuss your position. Do you think college entrance exams should be abolished?
3) Have they stopped some applicants from attending their preferred school?
4) Does this effect enrollment rates in some universities?

If you have given a speech before, that is what a power point presentation is similar to. It is a tool that helps the audience to see a visual representation of what you will discuss. You can find information on Bates college website. On the search tab, type in "Power Point" and it will give you some information about power points and basic slideshows.

I hope this helps you. Since I don't have any information besides the topic, I have tried to give you general suggestions.

Graduate / SOP for graduate program in Cancer Biology. Help me with improvements. [5]

I think you have a great start. I just want to help you with clarity in your writing since this is for a graduate program. My focus was on meaning and what you could consider to improve. Here are the remaining parts of your essay:

3rd paragraph

I would mention that it made you more precise in using those techniques (i.e. molecular, cellular, etc.). However, it is unclear how you use them. For example: A student may describe that they are getting better at geometry techniques. However, this statement is very vague. Therefore, a student might state that he or she is becoming more efficient at using a protractor and a triangle ruler to measure angles and draw triangles. Thus, drawing triangles and measuring angles becomes easier for the student using these tools.

You can use my example just as a guide to help you to think about whether you are helping the reader to understand your skill in using imaging techniques.

The next sentence explains it better; however, you don't state your role. Did the imaging help you in solving your scientific queries? If it has had an impact on your research, you should discuss this.

4th paragraph:

The last paragraph, you state all of your interests. There is nothing wrong with discussing your interests. However, there is minimal discussion relating to how the university will help you. Why are you choosing this program at this university? Does it have a better program? Can they provide you with the best internships? What about other factors such as independent research, better facilities, etc. What makes this university stand out as your first choice? The key is to intertwine your interests with how the university will help assist you. Thus, this will prove that this is the best university for you to attend.

If you have any questions, I can help you.

Graduate / SOP for graduate program in Cancer Biology. Help me with improvements. [5]

I can help assist you with your rough draft. I would be more than happy to give you comments.

1st paragraph:

Do you mean it helps us to make improvements in healthcare and disease biology?

"During my Masters education, I have decided to study cancer biology, in order to pursue a career in cancer research."

I would change the tense to: who came for treatments and follow-ups

I know you are in the stages of the rough draft. However, if you decide to keep the last sentence in the first paragraph, I would use commas instead of and.

Ex:
"to fight for them, against the disease, and made me more passionate", or make a new sentence: They made me more passionate to pursue research...

2nd paragraph:

The first sentence is a run-on sentence. There is too much information. You want to make this into two sentences. The beginning of the sentence, which discusses your dissertation in cervical cancer, can be one sentence. I just want to remind you to state, "prognosis of cervical cancer" to end the next sentence. I would end this last sentence in the paragraph with "broader perspective and developed team spirit in me".

*I am going to help you with more suggestions later.

Letters / Appeal letter to my dream university (SMU School of Business) [5]

In doing research, I found that along with a positive approach, you should also ensure that you include information that is new to admissions. This is important, because maybe they missed something in writing the first letter that could get their attention in the second letter. When you mention that you were in the 99th percentile of SAT takers, that is fantastic! However, I hope that this was not included in the previous letter.

Here are some more changes to help assist you. They are in order by the paragraphs that are written.
When you discuss the university you are trying to attend, I would suggest you discuss how important the School of Business will be to your endeavors in the future. You mention the business competition early on, but not how the business program will enhance your learning.

I would change zealous itinerant to zealous world traveler. I would also change Toronto in Canada to Toronto, Canada. Delete the hyphen in start-up. It should read like this:startups. I would use present rather than relay to discuss how you presented business ideas to investors. I would write three month rather than explain it with a number. I would not use Singaporeans. I think you should state, "natives of Singapore" or "those from Singapore".

You should change utmost best to "do my best..." You can shorten this next sentence by stating "one of only three chosen students".

I truly believe that everything will work out for the best.Thank you for taking the time in reviewing my application.

Essays / Event that changes life - need ideas for following topics [6]

I am unsure of what you want to write about. However, sometimes failed classes maybe due to a number of reasons such as not studying, not preparing well, having self-doubt or lack of confidence. Sometimes a person can decide that they are already going to fail, so why try to study. At other times, taking advantage of tutoring services or getting extra help like you are doing right now, could prove to be beneficial.

If you decide to choose this topic, think about one subject that you could have done well in. What steps could you have taken to do better? Ex: Could you have spent extra time reading or trying to understand the subject better? Could you have talked to your teacher to get extra assistance from him or her? Was there a person in class who could have helped or a tutor who could have assisted you in understand your assignments or homework? What could you have done better that could have helped you improve your grade? Maybe you didn't fail the class. What if you received a C and your goal was to receive a B or A. What could you have done to improve your grade?

Speeches / *unrolls 2m long piece of paper* - Speech for nomination for Valedictorian [2]

I have an idea, but you don't have to use it. You can use a quote if you want to open up your speech:

All my life I wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific-Jane Wagner (BrainyQuotes)

If you use this quote, it means you specifically want to be valedictorian.

There cannot be a crisis next week, my schedule is already full.-Henry A. Kissinger (BrainyQuotes)
This may not be the best quote, but you may relate to how something goes wrong and you can't fit it in your schedule. You don't have to use this example. I was just brainstorming on a way for you to open up your essay. Word of caution: If you use a quote, make sure it is not offensive or crude.

I wan't sure if these are your paragraphs, because there are no indentations. However, I have made some suggestions as I read the speech:

1st paragraph: Also, I do have a sense of humor but I don't know if your friend is popular or the funny person in the class. That is why I am unsure if you should address your friend in this speech. Do you think your class will laugh if this person is mentioned? I would say, "I would like to tell you some interesting facts about myself". I don't think you should mention phoenix blood.

2nd paragraph: I am going to make minimal grammar changes. "Well, first, I work hard..." You should begin the next sentence with, "For example, everyday at 10 am..." The humor in this is unexpected, but it also shows you are bright. Very clever!

3rd paragraph: When you state it is a fire you are starting to spit out, I'm unsure if you are trying to be funny.I would be careful about using Winston Churchill's quote, because others may be active in school activities.

You have worked hard in school, but playing video games may not make kids laugh. You may want to draw attention to yourself. Maybe your call of duty is being that valedictorian who gets the job done. This is a different call of duty.

Change the first sentence to: "want to be on the winning side". Also change the last sentence to: I would like to refer to a quote. It is risky to quote Mr. Jackson and use the term "haters". You need a call to action statement to end it. Have you seen commercials where they ask you to do something like visit my website, or act now to get a great price on this product? You need to end it by telling them to choose you.

I hope this helps! I didn't want to be critical. I just want to assist you. Writing a speech isn't easy. Know your audience, relax, and hopefully you will do well.

Writing Feedback / Best change in my hometown? Establishing companies to make a lot of job vacancies and employ people. [4]

I would be more than happy to. My first concern is if you are following the prompt or question that is being given. Have companies been established in your hometown or is this something you foresee happening in your town's future?

I am unclear from the onset or beginning or your essay regarding this opening paragraph.
Remember to write more than one sentence to make a paragraph. I am going to ask you to aim for 5-6 sentences. Try at least 4-5 to develop your topic. Now, I am going to give you some help with grammar. This will be according to paragraph and sentence.

1st paragraph: First, this is a run-on sentence. Your ideas start to become confusing when you don't add punctuation or simplify your sentence so the reader can understand. Try to work on run-on sentences. Change to, "If I had the power to change...I would try to establish companies that create jobs to employ unemployed and underprivileged people". Underprivileged is a way to describe those who are in a lower income bracket.

2nd paragraph: I don't have a particular problem with vacancies. However, I think you could work on word choice. When I read the first sentence, I think you can simply begin the first sentence this way: "If companies created more jobs, poor people could get a job." I'm not sure what you mean by vendors. I think you could explain it as: If legitimate companies posted jobs, other illegitimate companies would be discouraged from posting or advertising illegal jobs. These companies try to lure people who are struggling financially. I have written these statements in bold so you can understand that word choice is important. Also, stating an example to prove that companies will try to lure others would be fantastic.

Ex: What about some online job postings, companies that ask you to pay a fee, or companies that tell you to pay for their program to create a business opportunity? Would this be considered legitimate?

3rd paragraph: This is a phenomenal example. Some have experienced this situation, which is truly sad. However, I would change the first sentence. You should state how these companies will help those graduates by creating jobs. Then discuss how a lot of college graduates have obtained jobs unrelated to their skills. Change to: They have spent years at a university... Also, make sure you use an apostrophe when using contractions. Please change cant to "can't".

4th paragraph: Capitalize "I" in your first sentence. You should avoid saying "thing here". Delete this, because I'm unsure about the conclusion of your essay. Also, I don't feel it responds to the question because the hometown has made the change. If you say you did it, then the whole essay would described what you did. You have to conclude with the best change in your hometown. It seems like it would be companies creating more jobs for people.

Please look back at the question to ensure you typed it correctly. I want to make sure I have given you the best advice. I'm hoping this will help, but I would like to tell you to make sure you read the question and your essay twice if you can. Sometimes when you are taking exams, you can think that you are answering a question correctly, but could be incorrect in your answer. This is not uncommon. Take your time, read the question, and read your essay to make sure you have answered the question. Hopefully you will have time to do this. I hope you do well!

Essays / Event that changes life - need ideas for following topics [6]

When you discuss an event that changes your view of life:
1) This can include a number of events including loss of a job, loved one, sickness, etc.
2) Thinking about world events, what impact did a certain event have on your life?

If you decide to discuss an event that changed your life a lot:
1) Did you ever move and your life changed?
2) The events listed above can fit in this category too (loss of a job, loved one, etc).
3) Having someone who mentored you
4) Receiving an honor or award such as a job promotion

Looking back, I recognize that it was a stupid mistake:

I will give you a personal example and some more examples for this topic:
1) Personal experience: Trying to be a friend of a bully made me the target of the bully.
2) Have you ever failed some classes because you decided not to study? Later, you realized that you need to study and prepare yourself so that you can accomplish your goals.

3) Have you ever wanted to apply to a certain school or program but did not have the confidence to fill out the application?
4) Did you switch majors?
5) Did something hold you back in life, and now you are fulfilling a lifelong dream?

Writing Feedback / A large explosion at a COMAH site in a heavily populated area - detailed plan of the action [3]

Sorry about the delay! I hope this information helps. I tried to organize suggestions in the order the paper was written.

This is a suggestion on how you can organize your paper. However, feel free to organize it the way you choose. I feel that if it is organized better and written in paragraph form, it will be easier to understand.

I would start this discussion with my statement to the media. Then you can define ethyl as you did in the beginning of the essay. Next, discuss the risk assessments that are needed. When you discuss the assessment, you can present information regarding how taking immediate steps will improve the situation and if it is prolonged the situation will get worse. When you present the information, it should be organized in a way that the reader can understand all of the information according to the topic that is being presented.

When you discuss the breakdown of ethyl benzene, you should start the sentence as: "When ethyl benzene is exposed to air."

If ethyl benzene enters into the air and soil, what would need to happen so that humans don't experience this contamination? I think you should discuss what preventative measures can be taken to eradicate it so humans can be safe.

Here is some assistance with your press release:
Correction: ethyl benzene produced a release of toxic gas into the atmosphere. You should either state you are going to cover important information that is related to this explosion or just state you are going to release pertinent information regarding the explosion. You don't have to state, "Attention everyone", because you have already addressed your audience. Start by stating Please note or "There has been a fire that occurred at the COMAH site". Also, change the word uptake to intake. When you describe this intake into the body, you don't have to list this as if it were an outline. Place a colon after ways and list: skin, mouth, and breathing the gas directly.

I would ask an instructor if it okay for you to list your "immediate response". Also, I would encourage you to cite your sources. You have done well in the portions I have read thus far. However, I think when you make this list, there was no source cited.

These next few paragraphs regarding ethyl benzene spreading in the environment seem to fit with what you were stating in the beginning regarding air and soil. Right now, I am trying to find where everything fits in this essay. However, there is some great information from various sources.

When you discuss "Environmental Canada", you should change this from by cons to "in contrast". Look at your source again, to ensure you are quoting correctly. Overall, it seems like you are answering the questions. However, if you want to make it longer, you can focus on important facts that pertain to the whole essay and create a summary in the end.

Ex: In summary, ethyl benzene is toxic and can have short and long term effects. You can discuss the implications it has for the environment and how this can impact humans.

You did a lot of research. Good Job!

Writing Feedback / A large explosion at a COMAH site in a heavily populated area - detailed plan of the action [3]

To reduce these losses, knowledge of and on such events and circumstances under which they occur is essential. (Is this sentence quoted? I think it needs to be corrected. Check your source again. Also, I'm unclear why you are including information about a diagram. In order for it to be relevant, the reader has to see the diagram. You would have to copy the diagram and include it in your paper. I would check with your instructor or someone who has assigned you this task.

Instead of beginning this sentence with at the onset, I would begin this sentence with, "First". I am confused by how you are directly quoting. It reminds me of an outline form. I would try to stay consistent and stay in paragraph form. I am going to come back to help you with the rest of this paper. I apologize for not working on it previously.

Also, I am going to try to see if you are answering the question. This is very important throughout this entire essay.

Writing Feedback / Kids should be guided to find well balance between electronic entertainment and outdoor activities [6]

I hope you are starting to make changes. Here are some more suggestions to help you further:

2nd paragraph continued.. This sentence you want to end with, "now and help them have a better future. This next sentence you want to express that if children don't engage in physical activities they may have a higher risk of obesity...

3rd paragraph: I forgot to mention that devises is spelled devices. Change this throughout your paper if it was misspelled. I would start this next sentence as, "At a very young age". I think you have to change this sentence to reflect that they are addicted to electronic games. You should take this out: but some games are very intelligent . In the next sentence, I would simply state, "cause them health issues". Starting a sentence with because can be tricky, especially if there is not enough information to make it a complete sentence. I would avoid discussing entertainment as being a time killer. You should delete this sentence. You only want to discuss how playing computer or electronic games for an extended period of time or a long time can cause visual problems. Now you need to discuss how this happens. Do they strain their eyes? What happens to cause this problem? The last sentence, I feel you are telling the reader that the problem exists because kids don't take breaks from electronic games because they want to win. Is this correct?

4th paragraph: The first sentence you need to have a word before computers. You can state: "shows that computers". I would end this sentence with, "has had tremendous growth in society". You can start a new sentence using, "While". However, I am unsure what you mean by proposal. Please explain. This last sentence could change your whole essay. Do you feel that children need a balance in playing with electronics and engaging in outdoor activities? You can use my question as a guide to help you write your last sentence. However, don't forget to mention that this has health benefits. In the last sentence of your essay, you want everything to make sense. Overall, the last paragraph is for you to restate your main points.

I hope this will help you.

Writing Feedback / Kids should be guided to find well balance between electronic entertainment and outdoor activities [6]

I first want to suggest that you place a comma after transition words. These words are: Furthermore, On the other hand, Further, For instance, and Therefore.

First paragraph: Open this essay with the word, "The" instead. When you begin the next sentence you should only discuss technology. Ex: As a result, technology has gown since the last two decades. When you begin a sentence with such and don't add very many details it is an incomplete sentence. Delete this from your paper. Such as communication , technology etc . You should combine these next two sentences. Advancement in technology all over the world has produced many electronic devises such as smart phones, tablets, MP3 players, etc. I don't understand your position in this paragraph. Do you believe that excessive use of electronic devices causes children to miss out on outdoor activities?

2nd paragraph: I think this first sentence needs to be simple also add it to the next sentence. Remember what was stated in the previous paragraph about beginning with the word such. Here is how I suggest you combine the sentence: A majority of people think that outdoor activities help children to develop interpersonal skills such as competition, teamwork, decision making, leadership skills, etc... When you add too many words, the meaning can become harder to understand. I think there are minimal changes in the next sentence. Place a comma between Further and physical. You should state, "help them to be mentally", because you are still discussing children. The word and should be replaced with a comma and physical changed to physically.

I have some more corrections to suggest. I will continue to help you with this a little later.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : The design for a wind turbine and its location [3]

I gave you a really short suggestion on how you can improve upon your writing. I hope these changes help you.

1st paragraph: I think you are referring to the different locations and looks of a wind turbine. In the second sentence, place a comma between picture and all. I would use "However", to begin the next sentence. You also need to add "a" before computer.

2nd paragraph: In the second sentence, you have misspelled turbine. Change this to "turbine is built on a hillside". The wind turbine would be on a rooftop. You want to express that it can have an output of 100 kilowatts. You have made a common mistake. See and sea both are pronounced the same, but this diagram shows it is by the sea.

3rd paragraph: I would change your transition from "Following this" to Nevertheless. Make the word shape plural by adding -s to the end. There is too much information in the first sentence. "The blades of the tall tower are made from fiberglass or word." Start a new sentence stating, "It has wind sensors". The end of this sentence needs to read: "which are controlled by the computer."

Suggestion:
By computer: Sometimes you need a word before computer. Sometimes, it was "a" or "the".

Writing Feedback / The percentage of teacher recruitments in Ontario [2]

I don't see the line graph. I will have to help you with grammar instead. Please look at your line graph to ensure you are explaining this well.

1st paragraph: It seems as if French teachers experienced a higher recruitment rate than English teachers over the time frame. I would change the last sentence so the reader is able to understand this comparison.

2nd paragraph: The first sentence, I would delete, "in job". I think the sentence is easily understood when I read it as, "people recruited as English teacher". I would change the word whilst to while.

3rd paragraph: People should be lowercase. I'm having a hard time understanding this paragraph because it mentions recruited English teacher and then English language teachers. I think the line graph will help me to better understand these facts. I'm sorry I was unable to assist you more.

Undergraduate / What is the distinctness between a traditional Vietnamese family and a modern one? [3]

Paragraphs normally range from 8-10 sentences. This paragraph is good in terms of not having too much or too little information. You have good transition words such as: First, Second, Moreover. I think some of the errors you have involve meaning. For example, you said: "First, I would like to mention the size which is smaller today." I would phrase it this way: First, the average family size in my home country is much smaller today.

You could also start this sentence with, "For example". The sentence I made helps the reader to understand that I am discussing family size.

Let's try another example. The next sentence you strive to explain everything. It is too much. You could simply state that this generation is having less children which decreases their family size in comparison with past generations. When you try to explain every generation, I am more focused on trying to understand what generation you are referring to rather than the meaning.

Here is a third example to help you in your quest to write better. Another issue is word choice. If you are writing in English, I think you should use other words rather than, "join hands". This could mean a parent or child relationship, husband or wife, or anyone. People could join hands for a number of reasons. If you state that they work together or work harmoniously, this means that the husband and wife help each other to earn money, take care of the kids, and do housework.

Finally, I think this last point will help you too. In the last few sentences of the paragraph, you mention that families are changing in a good way. I wasn't aware of that in the beginning. I was unsure if you were happy or sad about the change. This could change everything about your paragraph. For example, you say you are optimistic about families changing. Therefore, I begin to wonder as a reader if the sentences in the beginning of the paragraph are a change that you appreciated as well. If you state that you are happy with how your home country has changed, I will understand that everything you are writing about is a good change.

I hope this helps in some way. Remember these points:
1) State what you mean in the beginning. Build your sentences around your view.
1) Continue to make good transitions. You are doing a good job with this!
2) Explain clearly
3) Word choice is important in English. (Don't be afraid to use a dictionary or thesaurus. That's how you learn to be a good writer and continue to write well.)

Speeches / The statement speech about why the early phase in a person life is the most happy and memorable [3]

You have to decide if you want to agree or disagree with this statement. If you want to agree here are some ideas on how you can start:

1) When you are a child, you don't have the financial responsibilities of an adult.
2) As a child, you can play outside and have more free time. However, an adult may be responsible for child rearing and even taking care of aging relatives.

3) When you are a child, there are many benefits. Remember when you were able to enjoy free admission to the zoo or a museum. Do you remember receiving a discount on a meal because you were a child. There are many attractions that children can enjoy.

Here are some ideas on how you can disagree:
1) Sometimes being a child can be difficult, especially if one is bullied.
2) Sometimes it is difficult for children to pass different subjects like Math, English, Reading or Science.
3) A child's brain is continuing to develop, especially in terms of judgement. When that child becomes an adult, hopefully he or she will make

better choices in life.

I gave you some ideas to think about. I would suggest thinking about whether you agree or disagree with the statement first. Then listing some reasons why you feel this way. Start writing your rough draft right away after this phase. I hope these ideas help you start the writing process. I'm sure there are more reasons to agree or disagree with this statement.

Writing Feedback / How much the number of older people in Sweden, USA and Japan is growing? Graph. [3]

I'm unsure if you have to mention that the line graph represents those 65 and over. There are a few changes but not too many that could be made.

1st paragraph: I suggest making this change to the last sentence: However, the USA is predicted to have a lower population than the other two countries in 2040.

2nd paragraph: Per cent should be written as percent throughout the essay. I am also going to suggest writing out the numbers. For example, 5 percent should be written as five percent. This will make your analysis more consistent.

Another way to say flattened out is remained stable. However, Japan's number maybe 30 years because it goes past 1980. The next sentence should be written as, "In the 21st century..."

3rd paragraph: You have to put "the" before USA. I would describe what you mean by stood at in this next sentence. You could state that it is the elderly population. Place "the" before 20th century. I would state the two countries are Sweden and Japan so this analysis could be easily understood. I also think this number for Sweden is twenty-five percent. Change this sentence and you will do fine.

Essays / Highlighting the fact that crime among the teenagers is high in some countries [4]

I just wanted to give you further assistance.

1) Gathering information from a few countries could help you write a good essay.
2) Remember to cite your sources
3) Also, you could think about why crime rate is high. Is it related to poverty, exposure to violent crime, association, etc?
4) Are there any common factors that make crime high in some countries and not in others?

These are some further points I wanted to mention to help assist you with writing.

Scholarship / I live in a place called Bentonville, Arkansas. How this neighborhood impacts on me? WOW Essay. [2]

You use the contraction it's but change it to "its" because you are referring to the town. Also, change it's to "its" when you discuss the landscape of the town. I understand what you mean when you mention an urban-suburban area. However, I need you to change this so it can be easily understood. Ex: I had never been to a city in which half of the town seems to be rural or country. In contrast, the other half is urban or suburban. (You don't have to use these words but by separating the two thoughts, hopefully the reader will be able to understand how you describe the town).

You need to start a new paragraph when you discuss that Bentonville has its farmers roots. Also, change it's to its before farmer's roots. I think you can say mutual relationship. Place a semicolon here: In Bald Knob... everyone knows each other; we all go..." I think you have three sentences that you have joined with commas. If you want to make a small change you should at least make this a separate sentence: "Everything was easy and I wasn't excited to go to school." Change this sentence to: "Bentonville High School is a nationally ranked school with a wide..." Start a new paragraph with this sentence.

The last sentence in this essay you should separate into two sentences. Once sentence begins with: I feel like I've grown... The next sentence begins with: I feel prepared for...

Writing Feedback / I saw an adorable girl smiled at me. God.. she was Pimchanok Luevisadpaibul, Nam. Narrative writing. [3]

I hope this is easy for you to make some changes. Everything was changed in the order of the sentences that were written.
-words that said: I do want to meet you, Nam.
-Misspelled word change to: unbelievable
-When you wrote a question, you did not complete it. I don't know if it is from a movie. You have: What did I? There has to be a word or words to complete this question.

- and I grew extremely curious
-most amazing movie (Make a new paragraph after this sentence)
-Did you go to Thailand a week after watching that movie?
-wasted their time
-You can delete the comma after friend.
-one of the off-air
-Say why you wanted your Thai friend to help you. The story is getting confusing because your Thai friend is mentioned, but the reader is unaware of how this fits with the story. Also, explain the deal you made with her.

_"Everything was arranged very well." (Make a new paragraph after this sentence)
-Did you arrive at 11:00 p.m.? Change the order of the sentence to: I finally arrived in Bangkok.
-Change the order of words to: message that said the actress
-I don't understand the sentence about the suitcase and your friend. Please explain.
--adorable girl smiling at me
-Did you say, God? When I looked it up, Nam is her character's name. When you refer to her as an actress you want to say her real name. In this sentence, you can state her name and say: or the character Nam.

-Change exciting to excited
-an idol

Scholarship / "Know Thyself" - these simple words are the central idea of my life; Scholarship Questionaire [3]

I am going to help assist you with meaning. I read the first portion. I think this needs to be changed in the first part of the essay.

When you are writing for a scholarship, you could change the word support to assistance. You could simply state, "that is why I need your assistance". You mention: "invisible staircase which takes me closer to the success"-Do you mean that this will be the opportunity to climb the ladder to success?

You are putting too much information when you discuss what you want to do. Start a new sentence discussing how you also want to contribute to risk management. I also, would change "greater scope to indulge" to the opportunity to enhance my knowledge.When you discuss secondary industries, place a comma between industries and but.

When you discuss paying back your enormous loans, is it your father you are referring to? I was assuming you wanted to help your father so he wouldn't have that burden. Change the sentence if you decide to include it in your essay.

I will come back late to help you with the rest of your essay.

Writing Feedback / We lived in a world with hundreds of countries with different languages. Some of these can disappear [2]

I didn't focus on grammar issues. Here are some suggestions to help you improve:

1st paragraph: In the opening sentence, you may want to change part of this sentence to:where many languages are spoken in different countries. Revise the third sentence to make it more clear to the reader. You want the reader to understand that change is good for some people because they feel that life will be easier if fewer languages existed in the world. That fewer languages will exist and life will be easier Delete this sentence because it is repeating that life will be easier. I'm unsure what is trying to be expressed by stating there will be better communication and development.

Do you feel that when there are fewer languages spoken, better communication exists between people?

2nd paragraph:This last sentence needs to be simply stated. There is too much information that is trying to be expressed. I think you are trying to say, when languages die out; it takes a toll on society. However, this whole paragraph is in support of you feeling that other languages should exist.

3rd paragraph: Here is what I think you were trying to express in the last paragraph: The internet has facilitated better communication between people. Therefore, when people speak a widely spoken language, they are able to communicate better across many mediums.

If your opinion agrees with the question, just focus on agreeing rather than disagreeing. I hope this helps!

Essays / Highlighting the fact that crime among the teenagers is high in some countries [4]

Hi, I would like to assist you in some way. Did you need help with your thesis statement?

In recent times, most countries are facing the problem of increasing crime rates amongst teenagers. This essay will be highlighting those facts.

I corrected some grammar issues. However, if you need any more assistance after writing it I can help you.

Speeches / What Matters Most to Me and Why?------The will to survive [4]

I understand what you mean by shut myself in. If you are referring to being isolated, you can say, "I became isolated''.

Speeches / What Matters Most to Me and Why?------The will to survive [4]

Here are some changes I will suggest to help make your speech a little easier to understand. There were very few changes you needed to make.

1st paragraph
1st sentence: Place a comma between the word speech and is.
2nd sentence: I would suggest opening this 2nd sentence with, "With this second chance" rather than, Granted this precious chance.

3rd sentence: Spell 3 rather than represent it by a number. Also, I'm just going to suggest changing part of the sentence to "lost my life in an unsuccessful suicide attempt".

4th sentence: suffered from

5th sentence: reach out to those

6th sentence: Comma between attention and nor

7th sentence: things were getting worse and

8th sentence: even began contemplating death or even began ruminating about death (You can choose if you want to use contemplating or ruminating)

10th sentence: jump off into the waters below. (I only asked you to clarify it for your reader or audience. If you feel uncomfortable, you don't have to add waters below.)

2nd paragraph:

1st sentence: Phoenix is misspelled.

2nd sentence: going through a pain I never experienced before (I'm unsure if this is what you mean.)

There is a sentence towards the end that I need help understanding. I'm only confused by this sentence because I don't know if you feel forced to give up on things that are impossible but you truly desire.

The last sentence, I want you to place a comma between understatement and because. I'm unsure if you want to end with a better world ahead.

You are very brave for telling your story. I hope these changes help you.

Undergraduate / I discovered the core of strength within myself that survived all hurt. My childhood. [4]

I had to rearrange you paragraphs again, because adding the other information about the neighborhood should not be placed towards the end of the essay. I tried to add everything in the essay. Here are some more changes:

After the sentence where you discuss being an example to your younger brother, you could begin a new sentence describing how you were raised. Here is an example: Initially, I had two parents who raised me. Yet, I lost my father at a very young age. [Add sentence about the drunk driver here].

Thus, my mother became a single parent raising three children. You can see that all of your sentences are there, they are just rearranged and there is an additional sentence in the beginning. The last sentence clarifies your story. Read this paragraph to see how you like it.

The next sentence I feel you could open by saying, "Unfortunately, my mother had to raise us..." , rather than opening with, "I grew up in" a very poverty stricken neighborhood. This gives your story a better explanation. [add the sentence that discusses how you witnessed fellow youth getting into trouble here]. [The sentence about your mother's main objective goes here]. The rest of the sentences stay the same, except change partake in a game night.

Your last sentence will read: I grew up being taught to cherish the small things.

I hope I have all of the details of your story correct. I'm sorry to make so many changes again. I feel that if it is important to you to add certain details, I wanted to not change the essence of you work. I'm hoping you will be happy with this final draft. This was well written. No worries!

Essays / What is the difference between skills and knowledge? [5]

I feel that I should give you some examples of professions.

1) A surgeon may study to become a doctor, however, he or she has to perform a surgery to get experience.
2) Someone can study to be a teacher and even minor in another subject area. However, when a student teacher gains valuable experience, it enables him or her to put knowledge into practice to become a teacher. Therefore, someone who studies acquires knowledge, but someone who puts knowledge into practice acquires understanding and skills.

Let me further explain by using the example of a teacher:
Skills: tutored elementary students in a Montessori school, student teaching in a 1st and 2nd grade classroom, 1st year teacher
Knowledge: reading endorsement, master's degree in elementary education, teacher's workshops, minor in spanish

Outline what a teacher may write
1) State what you studied in school (Ex:Elementary Education, Reading Endorsement, and Spanish)
2) Discuss how you were able to find your current position and how you use the knowledge and skills you gained while studying in school (Ex: You were acquainted with the principal because of your student teaching experience, the Reading Endorsement and Spanish helps you to teach English as a second language learners and enhances reading lessons because of the many teaching strategies you have been taught to help students learn to read. Also, tutoring and student teaching exposed you to different teaching strategies that you use in your classroom.

3) Discuss how the success of your recent experiences in your workplace can be attributed to having the knowledge and experience to succeed in your role. (You won teacher of the year award. Your teacher workshops, reading endorsement, minor, and furthering your education helped you to become a better teacher. Also, student teaching and mentoring helped you to learn from more experienced professionals)

I gave you the example of a teacher because I am more familiar with this profession. If you write out what knowledge and skills you gained like the example above, you can explain how this relates to your roles and responsibilities. Also, writing an outline is helpful. These are only suggestions to help you to brainstorm. This question seems very broad (What is the difference between skills and knowledge?). Did you have to be very specific in your answer?

Undergraduate / I discovered the core of strength within myself that survived all hurt. My childhood. [4]

This is very well written. Here is something I thought could help you as you tell your story. There are 5 sentences in the last paragraph. Move those four to the beginning of your essay after the sentence where you state, "this greatly describes my childhood." Then you can state, "However, I lived in a very poor neighborhood..."Then the last sentence in this paragraph, you would end with, "In my neighborhood, I saw..."

The next paragraph you discuss your mother's main goal in raising you. In the sentence where you discuss sent quality time, you have to change it to "spent quality time". The last sentence you can begin with: "The way my mother raised me, molded..." Also, end with ", regardless of my circumstances."

If you prefer not to change it, you can just make the changes in bold. You have done an excellent job describing your story. The suggestion I made just involves moving your sentences.

Writing Feedback / University as an exclusive place for those who marked as an outstanding student [2]

Some of the common mistakes I see is forgetting to place a or the before a noun.

1st paragraph: 1st sentence: is mainly selected...in high school. 2nd sentence: higher education is, 3rd sentence: a low percentage, the younger generation...a university

2nd paragraph: I think in this paragraph you are discussing how poverty and nutrition play a role in how a student performs academically. Thus, one student may outperform another because he or she has the opportunity financially and nutritionally to perform better. You need to change your opening statement to help the reader to understand what you will be discussing. I see many instances of you stating "richs" or "poors". Change this throughout the paragraph to rich and poor. I would suggest not making it plural.

Here are some more changes I suggest in order by sentence:
-When you discuss factor of intelligence you want to change to: is strongly related.
-Change the opening sentence to: This can vary.
-Take out the fetus stage
-Make kinds of needs plural. It should be these kinds of needs
-Open the next sentence with, "Another factor".
-When you make a comparison you can use a term such as: is related to. Therefore, you make it clear that the quality of education can be related to how much a person spends.

-If you mention high quality at the end of a sentence, this does not tell the reader what you are discussing. You should state high quality education.

- "...the groups that are comprised of the very best students at school often belong to the rich."
-You should state "successfully graduate", because you are using the word can and this is in the present tense.
-life is way
- Explain what is meant by the restriction is imposed.

3rd paragraph: I made a few changes but you may have to revise it a bit more. In the second sentence you want to discuss how students have an equal chance and there will be more of the population that earns their degree.

4th paragraph: Are you discussing those who are an outstanding student? Also, do you feel everyone is capable of pursing their degree? You could add two more sentences to make this paragraph better.

Writing Feedback / My development from childhood was a narrow & curvy course... [2]

I helped you with this essay by looking at each paragraph. Follow along in each paragraph as I suggest the changes that could be made.

1st paragraph: It seems like you are making a contrast. For example, "Although my birth was hectic, it was an indication of the strength I would develop throughout the course of my life.' The first sentence needs some work to explain exactly what you mean, especially when you state strengths at first breaths. When describing the diagnosis, change to: made the doctors diagnose. When you describe your name, change to: "how to save me from my pitfall".

I'm not sure if you want to make a new sentence or use a comma, but there has to be a clearer explanation of your brother running away from home. You don't have to write the sentence again. You can make small changes. Ex: This led to my family's downfall, as my sister's grades were poor and I lost focus. Another way to say this is: This led to my family's downfall. My sister's grades were poor and I lost focus. There are two ways that I give to help you decide how you want to write that sentence. I hope this helps!

When you describe your stepmother state it this way: I had a stepmother. The next sentence, you need a comma between 2007 and when. Clarify what you mean by drew me back; I am assuming you mean it kept you from moving forward beyond your starting point in life.

2nd paragraph: Change to: This is a place where the native language is Ndebele... Don't place a hyphen between no-one when you discuss feeling alone in life. I feel you want to speak in the past tense. When you discuss the path you chose to take, you need to change the rest of the sentence to past tense. "...our response in those tough moments is what defined us." Change to: "find their identity due to abandonment and loneliness". Place a semicolon between authority and therefore before you discuss dodging classes. You should end your sentence with "become a refugee in my own life". Start a new sentence with "In order to cope,"

3rd paragraph: Place a comma between myself and gave in this first sentence. How did you emerge? Do you mean you escaped or were afforded an opportunity to learn at a boarding school? When you discuss what happened in 2010, you want to change the sentence to: "colleagues and I formed" and other events in my life or to events that impacted my life. I would change the order of the last sentence to: "That year I reunited with my brother and received..."

4th paragraph: Change weather to whether. I would not discuss the qualities you have gained as a package. You could say they have helped you with perseverance, goodwill, etc. Also, delete "that" before which in this same sentence. You can put "that" after, "Now" to change the last sentence. Also, I know that you are trying to help connect the last sentence with the first sentence in your essay. Honestly, I don't think you need an asterisk at the beginning and end of your essay.

Your essay was well written. It seems like you are responding to the prompt. Where I go is very broad. Look at your essay question again to make sure there is nothing said after where I go. I hope these suggestions helped.

Writing Feedback / It is believed by most of people that work is the main part of their adult life [3]

I read each sentence and I'm hoping you will be pleased with the feedback.I had to use a dash(-) to help you change your sentences. Follow along word for word in each sentence to see the changes that need to be made.

1st paragraph: 1st sentence: Change to "most people" and "a main part". I would also end this sentence with adult life. Start a new sentence discussing how they spend many hours doing work. 2nd sentence: Another way to say it is, "satisfaction when people do their jobs" is job satisfaction. 3rd sentence: I think you need to mention what you mean by an appropriate field. Is this their chosen field? 4th sentence: What are you referring to when you mention facilities? Do you mean better work environments that focus on the employees well being?

2nd paragraph: 1st sentence: If you discuss job satisfaction, you want to mention that this occurs when people work in their chosen field. When you state an appropriate field, this is too vague. 2nd sentence: who work in a field- that will have the greatest-their field. 3rd sentence: such as-comfort level 4th sentence: I wouldn't use the word complete. I believe you are trying to say that they can afford their basic necessities. 5th sentence: The last sentence is too confusing. It needs to be summarized better.

3rd paragraph: I'm going to suggest changing this paragraph. I'm going to summarize what I think you are trying to say. Ex: People want to achieve a higher income. It seems like they become more dedicated when this occurs. They like the perks that come from working at their companies (higher income, medical insurance, etc). Basically, the company helps them to afford their lifestyle. When you make changes, keep the reader in mind. I hope my summary help to give you ideas.

4th paragraph: This 1st sentence is pretty good! I would just simplify it by stating, "people working in their chosen field and achieving greater income". However, what are you referring to when you discuss contentment toward jobs? Is contentment related to increased pay and promotions or company perks?

Writing Feedback / A memory of an old man [3]

I have suggested some changes that could make this essay better. I hope this helps you.

1st paragraph: The second sentence I suggest making slight changes: intensely reading....on a bench. Also change this sentence to: There were people going to work or going about their business.

2nd paragraph: I'm unsure about this first sentence. Do you mean that you wonder if you appear to others as if you are staring? When you state all of it seemed innocuous, do you really want to state it this way? Are you comparing what is true or real to a demeanor that is not harmful or uninteresting? I would change the word observe to observing.

3rd paragraph: This second sentence is vague. I'm assuming you mean that your perception was that others observed you seeing them, but you never observed them seeing you. There is a term you used that is a vulgar slang term. You use it to describe people everywhere and a person who was passing by. Please use the term contemptible or another word because you want to avoid being offensive in your academic writing.

4th paragraph: The first two sentences need some work. This person is a she. The open sentences should reference her as "she" and not he or this person, because the reader will have difficulty understanding your essay. The next sentence seems like a feeling you felt. However, you describe it as something she said. If it was a feeling, you should describe it differently. Change the beginning of the last sentence to: Before my tormentor...

5th paragraph: Please explain what you mean by wits around. Also, you want to link the third and fourth sentence together. Place a comma between the word "somehow and "and". Make sure to make "and" lowercase. The last sentence should begin as: Then I quickly...

6th paragraph: The fist sentence is incomplete because you don't explain what happens. You end this sentence with "otherwise". I am going to suggest rewriting this whole paragraph. It seems like you are trying to express that an older man has a greater sense of who you are. You just have to explain the details better that lead up to this last sentence.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : The village of Stokerford (Map) [2]

I hope you can make these changes to explain the diagram better.

1st paragraph: Change replace to replacement. Also, you want to end the last sentence as, "major residential zones".

2nd paragraph: There is a repetition of describing houses. I'm unsure if these are located in the middle of the village too. However, you could state in the first sentence that, "there were 10 houses located in the village". Don't use housing areas! Also, I wouldn't use the term urbanized. You could simply state that the area shifted or changed from rural to urban, and there were many more houses along the main road. When you discuss the large house, garden, and retirement home I think you should change the format.

Start one sentence as: Moreover, in 1930, the large house and garden was situated nearby a primary school.

The next sentence, you can use a transition word. Follow this same format to discuss how the area where they existed turned into a retirement home.

Ex: However, in 2010, the area...

3rd paragraph: This first sentence is too confusing. The date should be 1930 because this is when the shops were located by the post office. I think you are trying to give too much information in one sentence. If you make it simple, it will be easier to explain. The next sentence just change: "to the east of the main building". Delete "which" and add "the" before 1930 in the next sentence. This last sentence needs to be explained better. Don't begin the sentence with 2010. You can begin it with, "However, in 2010". It looks like the roads made it easier to access the areas you discuss.

Good work! This was a tricky diagram to discuss!

Graduate / I work as an electronics engineer and study in postgraduate courses; Statement of Objectives for PhD [3]

You have accomplished a lot. Let me suggest some changes.

Opening: To Whom It May Concern,

1st paragraph: Change to take postgraduate studies. Is Atmel and STM controllers? I don't quite understand why you put it in parenthesis.
I researched spark erosion.

2nd paragraph: While studying for my masters...Place the word "about" before new tools. The skills you used helped you at work and academically. You put parenthesis to describe other information which confused the information. If you want to use this information, you have to work on these sentences. Where did you use hardware, software development, and stand alone devices? This needs to be explained. Was it in school and at work? You need to prove how these skills proved to be successful to you both at work and academically. This will help to effectively explain your experiences.

3rd paragraph: In the opening sentence you want to use 'at the university". I'm unsure what you mean by embodiment. There are grants that help students with independent projects or research projects. This seems like you were involved in independent research.

4th paragraph: In the opening sentence changed to "researched" the effect...Professor should be capitalized and spelled. The discussion about sparking trimming is difficult to understand. I'm assuming you mean it was very difficult to determine the effect.

5th paragraph: I'm unsure if the first two sentences belong in a new paragraph (i.e. matrix values and equipotential lines). Also, make sure the last sentence starts a new paragraph. Also, you may want to address if you became an author when you began taking postgraduate classes. You did this when you mentioned in your post graduate studies and then you discussed what you accomplished. Also, you may want to discuss if automatic control and your other interest relate to what you want to study to get your PhD.

6th paragraph: Delete, "I was a student". The vibration motor and microcontroller seem to have a link. I would make this one sentence if it is linked. The next two sentences needed to be linked. Here is how you can state it: "The device was cumbersome, but it could be placed in his hand to determine the distance to obstacles on the vibration intensity." You want to state, ..."impressed with how such a simple device could..."

7th paragraph: You don't want to say profit at the end of this essay.

I hope this helps!