Undergraduate / "Limitless" - MIT Essay; I come from a family who thinks a human limit exists [3]

You have actually written a very interesting essay. However, you need to clarify what you mean by a human limit existing for your family members. All of you have managed to go to college and one even managed to achieve higher advanced education. So I am not sure if a human limitation really exists. I believe that your paper will benefit from a few examples of the times when your family displayed believing in such limitations. Concrete examples that you can use to launch your belief that you may be from a different DNA chain than everyone else.

Speaking of everyone else, it would do this essay well if you dug deeper into your mindset about human's not having any limits. I suggest that you tell us about a time when you argued about that point with your family and how you defended your stand. Then let us know if your family supports your attempt to attend college. If they do not, explain why in terms of the limitations that they believe in. If they do support it explain your puzzlement at how they can support your college dreams and yet believe that humans have limitations.

More specifically, are these gender based or education based limitations? Those are but two types of human limitations that some people believe to exist. So I believe you need to get more specific about the limitations that you are discussing. Don't forget to relate the discussion to you wishing to break out of the mold and how you plan to show your family that human limitations do not exist either through your academic achievements or future professional goals :-)

Writing Feedback / Teacher can either affect positively or negatively so being strict and hard disciplined is necessary [5]


- Let me give you something to ponder about strictness. When a teacher is too strict, the student tends to fear the teacher and thus, cannot concentrate on the lesson. Shouldn't there be a balance between strictness and gentleness instead? As an student, I am sure you have experienced "terror" strict teachers and you were probably not very comfortable with that teacher right? Strictness will not necessarily translate into respect with the students. Think back on your experience with "Strict" teachers and then consider if that is really a good quality you want to advance as an educator.


- Instead of saying easy going I believe that you should discuss compassion and understanding as good qualities of a teacher. Remember that students with learning shortcomings will benefit from teachers who know how to get the lesson across using non-threatening manners like a "strict" teacher would.

I would really like you to consider my observations before we delve into the grammar problems that the essay has. Once we are sure that the paper portrays the correct positive qualities of an educator, then we can edit the grammar problems :-)

Writing Feedback / Teacher can either affect positively or negatively so being strict and hard disciplined is necessary [5]

Vsn, you missed the essence of the prompt. It is not asking you about the qualities of a bad teacher and why teacher's should not be that way. It is asking you for the qualities that you believe are important in becoming a good teacher. While I will admit that you presented good answers in terms of bad qualities, the essay is truly lacking an answer to the prompt;


What I would like you to do, or rather, consider as a revision to your essay is this, write the essay from your point of view as a future educator. Talk about the reasons why you believe you will be a good teacher but instead of discussing it in first person form, use second person references instead. That way you answer the prompt directly. You can use first person references when you provide examples for the characteristics that you will be describing. Then you can close the statement with a reference to how you hope to become the embodiment of the perfect teacher qualities that you just discussed when your time to be the teacher comes :-) I believe that strategy will work very well with this kind of paper.

Undergraduate / The trip to a football stadium turned out to be more than an exciting experience; Common app prompt [8]

This is a unique abstract answer to a prompt that will normally have common answers. You took us on the adventure with you. Engaging all of our senses and then giving us a reason to believe that this would indeed be a unique place where you, a big football fan, would feel most content. It is almost as if you are telling us that this memory is enough to inspire you to always strive to be the best that you can be in everything that you do. That said, I would like to make some suggestions regarding grammar problems that need correcting below:


- You need to ease us into the scenario you are describing. Introduce the topic to us by restating the prompt. That way, when you slide into the description, we know the reason why you are recalling this particular event and place.


- ...tickets we had bought...


- ... to leave an open space... The stadiumgave an illusion... in the opposite upper tier .


- ... as the game went on.


- ... I was a part of something special.


- Expand upon this statement. You need to explain how you found yourself in that stadium. How did that happen? What did you learn about yourself during the experience? We need to get an idea and a clear understanding of why you said that.


- ... recall the experience of being among...

I hope the suggestions I made will make the essay more complete and satisfactory in your opinion. I feel that these changes are necessary to clean up the message of the essay :-)

Undergraduate / "freaking awesome" - Why Swarthmore? Supplementary College essay [13]

mmurray, that is definitely headed in a better direction. It would help if you could say something about how you expect to be challenged by the professors or learning atmosphere at the university as well. I specially like this portion:


- If you can develop this particular sentence further, it will directly connect with the following part of the prompt:


- It is important to let the reader know that you are interested in the more challenging academic aspects that you will experience at the university. These can all combine in order to help you develop yourself as a person, a student, and a member of society as well.

I like the way you have the first part rewritten. It is a marked improvement over the first one and gives unexpected answers to the prompt. I am excited to read the rest of your new statement :-) Keep it up!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: It is unrealistic for a school to provide so called parenting training for its students [7]

Mark, the paper is asking you consider a trend that is somewhat common in American schools these days. In high school, their students are paired into father and mother partnerships with either a bag of flour or a raw egg to take care of for a week. They are given a schedule of feeding, changing, and sleeping time for their "children" and they have to follow the schedule given to them or the "child" will die or have an accident. If something happens to the egg of flour sack, they fail the class. This is a lesson in parenting and responsibilities.

I am not sure but I believe that the lesson is taught as part of sex education classes and is an effort to teach teenagers about the dangers of pre-marital sex and introduce them to the world of parenting in such a way that they will reconsider having unprotected sex since unprotected sex can result in unexpected pregnancies at their ages. The main objective of the lesson is to show them how hard it is to be a parent and the repercussions of irresponsible parenting.

From what I understand of the prompt you presented, certain schools outside the U.S. also want to try the same experiment in order to help educate students about proper parenting and the responsibilities that come along with it. After all, taught in school, the students will develop a simple understanding of parenting that they can take with them into their mature family years.

You can use the explanation I used above as a basis for writing your new opinion essay on the topic. I hope I was able to clarify the requirements of the topic for you. Please don't hesitate to ask questions if you are still confused about how to write the paper. We are here to help :-)

Undergraduate / "freaking awesome" - Why Swarthmore? Supplementary College essay [13]

mmurray, I definitely suggest that you make it more specific. I appreciate that you recognize the vagueness of your statements. Instead of saying "Change -" or "Voice-" then discussing it, you need to make it flow more as an essay instead of an itemized listing. My advice will be develop each portion as a separate paragraph. You already know the kind of change and voice that you can bring to Swarthmore, so let us feel it. Allow us to read it. Be as personal and definite as possible. '

You need to create an aura of a connection with the school. Something that tells them that you will be an extreme asset to the community and that you will be able to elevate not only the academic, but also social community of the university. Normally, universities and colleges consider socio-civic minded students an asset who can best enhance their roster of student members. Think along those lines and make sure you present yourself in that light as best as possible :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: It is unrealistic for a school to provide so called parenting training for its students [7]

Mark, thank you for supplying the full prompt so fast.I have already listed my comments and suggestions for the improvement of your paper above. I am encouraging you to try and apply those suggestions in the revision of your paper. That is so you can compare your first version with the second version, noting the improvement from one paper to the next in terms of content and discussion.

Feel free to experiment. Develop the essay further. You have the time to do that in the paper. Just make sure you don't go past 5 paragraphs in length so that you will be able to leave ample time for revision and editing during the actual exam. You need to be able to practice doing those under time constraints as well. Remember that simply typing words but not really saying anything or having a truly developed idea will not help improve your score or increase you chances of passing.

I am looking forward to the possibility of reading a revised version of your paper. We are all on board with helping you improve your writing skills before you take the test so feel free to ask questions if you are confused about something ok? We are here to help you out :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: It is unrealistic for a school to provide so called parenting training for its students [7]

Mark, the first thing I need to comment on is the fact that you supplied an incomplete essay prompt. So I am not really sure about the content or how to review the paper. I hope you can supply the full prompt as soon as possible so that a more accurate review can be done. For now, I can give you a general review of your essay, I can improve upon the comments and suggestions after you supply the prompt.


- Revise this. This is an incomplete introduction. There is no restatement of the thesis nor introduction to the topic. So we have no real idea as to what you are disagreeing with and why.

- What courses are being offered and why? How does this affect parenting in the opinion of its supporters and in your point of view? There is a lack of clarity in the paragraph.

- Why is it controversial? What are the parenting problems that exist today and how is it being addressed? Will parenting classes really help? Are there studies to prove it is effective or not effective? Present supporting evidence.

- Do you think you would personally use these parenting classes when you become a parent? Why or why not? This will directly relate to your opinion on the topic. Use supporting examples whenever possible.

- Don't present new ideas in your conclusion. Just restate the prompt. give an overview of facts, then repeat your opinion. If you want to keep this paragraph, you will need to write it as a separate paragraph and develop its discussion further.

Once you clean up the aforementioned problems of the essay, we will clean up the grammar problems next. There is no sense in correcting it now because you still need to change the content of the essay which will affect the succeeding revisions to the paper.

Writing Feedback / First time celebrating Christmas - belief or idea challenge [2]

Kev, This is a very interesting essay that shows the multifaceted cultures that exist in the United States today. I hope that I will be able to make suggestions that will further help enhance the content of this wonderfully conceptualized essay.


- This is a very good catalyst statement. But I think that you should have combined the fact that your family does not celebrate Christmas with the scenes that transpired int he classroom in order to make it more interesting. You could tell us what was running through your mind as your classmates started telling the class about what they received or how they spent Christmas. Let us hear that voice inside you that was starting to rebel. Then at the end of the paragraph say something like "I decided that I was not going to take it anymore. I knew that the time had come to challenge my parent's beliefs in the traditions of the old country. After all, I was both a member of the old and new country. Deep inside, I knew that I needed to honor my new country traditions just as well as I honored the old ways." or something to that effect.


- Fast forward instead to the next Christmas when you finally challenged the old ways in your home. Tell us what happened. Did you succeed in celebrating Christmas for yourself at least? How did your family take it when you told them you wanted to celebrate Christmas? If you succeeded, why do you think you were able to convince them? If you failed, do you think you will try to convince them again next year? Why is it important to you that they start to celebrate Christmas? The questions I gave you will help align your last few paragraphs with the essay prompt. Don't forget to rework the conclusion in order to work with the new essay slant. That is if you decide to revise the essay :-) We will be here to help you out.

Writing Feedback / Exposure to foreign language at primary school should be encouraged as much as possible - IELTS [11]

Vincent, academic writing is based on a totally different premise from opinion papers. In academic writing, you need to cite sources of information and give factual data in support of the claims that you are making. Writing academically means developing an outline and discussing your essay by topic. It is also more than a page or 2 pages long. I believe that in order to write an academically acceptable essay, you need to write at least 5 pages, double spaced, using peer reviewed or academic journals for sources in the in-text citation portion. You need to do actual research in order to write academic essays. Academic essays are not mere opinion papers. These are informative research papers that hope to add valuable new insight or information regarding a specific topic.

You will also need to familiarize yourself with the academic essay writing formats. The most common formats are MLA and APA. Chicago, Turabian, and Harvard essay styles are some of the more advanced writing and research methods for essays and research papers. You can look up these particular styles on the internet for free if you want to practice writing in a more academic setting for essays.

Remember that all essays, regardless of formatting have something in common. All of these essays will be based on a given prompt or set of guide questions. Whenever appropriate, the professor or teacher will also ask you to present your personal opinion on the topic. That is normally placed at the end of the essay. Aside from these specific requirements, academic writing is not so different from regular essay writing :-)

Undergraduate / "Wrong but Right" - a memoirs about your experience in the past and its effect on you today [5]

Tbontb, the main problem with this essay is that it is excessively long when it doesn't need to be. The introduction is too flowery and wordy but does not help the essay progress in an interesting manner. It also contains numerous grammatical and sentence structure errors. The first thing that has to be done to fix this essay is to create a focus for the topic and work it into the essay fast. That is the only way to keep the reader interested in the story that you have to tell.

I am suggesting that you rework the introduction. Open with something like "I dated the wrong guy for all the right reasons". That is an effective hook that make the reader curious about why the wrong guy was actually Mr. Right for you. This also creates a sense of excitement and adventure in the story you are about to tell. You have an interesting relationship with this guy but it is drowned by too much back story that deviates from the central theme of the essay.

You need to combine your family history with the way Mr. Right changed you. Just telling us about your family is boring, but showing us how Mr. Right took you say from "shy and sheltered" to "open and adventurous" in relation to the way that your family raised you will definitely be showing up you your past experiences have affected who you have become. Don't forget to give a killer conclusion that probably thanks Mr. Wrong for helping you become the person you are today.

Undergraduate / "freaking awesome" - Why Swarthmore? Supplementary College essay [13]

mmurray, I always tell people who write supplementary essays that one should not simply repeat the information about the university that the admission officer already knows like the back of his hand. By doing that, the application is not really giving the reader a solid idea as to how you would fit into the Swarthmore mission and vision. You are merely telling them what enticed you to apply for admission to their university. The admission officer is looking for something more.

What they are looking for is why you are choosing Swarthmore in terms of who you are and what you have to offer the university. Tie in your extra curricular or academic activities related to your chosen major in such a way that you will be able to present yourself as a future student who will be able to help improve the student community of Swarthmore. What can you do to help the community improve based upon what you know about the university? They already know how good they are, now tell them how your addition will make them even better.

Anything you can say about your personal reasons for choosing Swarthmore that is not related to what they already know about their university will certainly help your application. So I suggest that you go into that direction. It just might help you tighten the essay and make it stand out more in the sea of application essays that the admission officer needs to read.

Undergraduate / 'I want to gain a great experience for the future' - Why USA? Why Global UGRAD? [3]


- Husniya, based upon the above prompt, it would be best for you to discuss your essay in terms of your personal plans and goals for the future. You mention that you are studying to become doctor. This will play directly into the prompt that asks you why you want to come to the United States. Mention something about being familiar with John Hopkins, Mayo Clinic, or Harvard medical school and how you have always dreamed of becoming a world class doctor with similar training. For the motivation and experiences part, you can discuss the current state of medical care in your country and how you hope to gain enough training in the future to be able to go back home so that you can do your part in helping to improve the medical conditions there.

When you talk about USGrad, don't tell the reviewer what he already knows about their organization. What he is looking for is information from you regarding how you will best utilize the opportunity that USGrad may decide to offer you. Something along the lines of how medical school is will be difficult enough for a foreign student who has to finance his studies on a full tuition as a non-American student. Then connect it to the vision or mission of USGrad when it comes to helping students who need scholarships or sponsorships in school. If well developed, all of the reasons that you will present in the above paragraphs will present a full idea of how studying in the United States will help your present and future goals.

Writing Feedback / In twenty years there will be fewer cars in use than there are today. [3]

Beginner, I will be posting my comments and suggestions per paragraph for your consideration :-) I noticed that you were offering your point of view from the very beginning so I did my best to stick to the essence of your paper from your point of view.

- Nowadays, carsplay an important role in our lives . People have embraced the participation of cars in even their most minor transportation errands and as such, even those without a car wish to have one. However, using cars causes a great deal of pollution and damage to our environment, affecting our planet as a whole. That is why scientists believe that even though the use of cars has benefits, those are far outweighed by the damage it causes. So the goal to have more people using lesser cars in 2o years is something the scientific community and national government have been batting for and is also something I support for a number of reasons.

- Cars help us reach our destinations faster. Its existence has forced national governments to create road infrastructure projects that brought employment and income to their cities. The problem, is that there is now an overabundance of cars. This proliferation of cars has affected us negatively as well because of higher road taxes meant to maintain the roads the cars pass on, the emergence of motor traffic where there was none before, deaths in road accidents, and increased global warming effects. It is because of these reasons that the national governments in the U.S., Japan, China, and Russia, to name but a few, have taken hard line measures to limit the use of cars for private purposes.These are also the very reasons why these countries are developing their public transportation infrastructure as well.

- All you need is one good point that you can completely and strongly argue. The first reason is more than enough to allow you to launch into a personal opinion in the next paragraph.

- The success of the government moves to limit the use of cars has seen great progress because of the emergence of the internet and the development of computers and consumer related software. These all combine to allow people to stay at home while completing the tasks that they normally would have had to leave the house and ride the car for. Errands such as grocery shopping, banking, bills payment, even doctor consultations, can now be done online. Thus saving gasoline for more necessary purposes and reducing the number of cars and people on the streets.

- It is because of the emergence of these technologies and gadgets that I foresee fewer cars on the road in twenty years. With governments aggressively promoting alternative modes of transportation via public transport systems, and the ease with which errands can be done without leaving the house, I really do not see a reason in the future for more cars to be on the road than necessary.

Undergraduate / Change for the better - melting pot adventure [7]

Vinny, I have a suggestion for the content that I hope you will consider. I am stating it below along with some minor corrections :-)


- I have been thinking about this part of the essay for a long time and I think we should develop it because of what you said within that will be a reflection upon the rest of the paper. You said that you have been living in a multicultural environment for 17 years. That means that you lived in a multicultural environment while a child in Venezuela. Can you mention something about that prior multicultural environment and what you learned there that we might be able to connect to the melting pot of the United States? We can keep it short, just something to give your claim of living in a multicultural environment for almost all your life some credibility :-)



- ... integrating into a new culture...



- Now, I am a person

Writing Feedback / Living and working abroad is certainly a great chance for youngs to gain worth experiences [2]

Here is a tip I always give ESL students. Learn to use an outline when you are writing an essay. List down the topics that you want to discuss by number or in the order of importance as you see it. Under the topics, write down the important facts, terms, and other data that you are sure you need to include in the essay in order to make the paragraph strong. After that, write a draft of your essay based upon your list.

Make sure that the list is followed in the essay in paragraph format. One topic with supporting reasons per paragraph. Read the draft and adjust the content or theme of the essay based upon the changes that you see arising from the way you wrote the paper. Do this around 3-5 times in order to develop the content or theme of the paper. When you have perfected your theme, we will then correct the problems with the vocabulary. I hope my suggestion proves to be helpful to you in the future :-)

Undergraduate / Change for the better - melting pot adventure [7]

Vinny, I am still catching grammatical errors in the essay. Let's work together to clean it up :-)


-I would go live with my...


- Adjusting to life in the big...


- I discovered ways ofgetting around by myself.


- I realized that...


- ... to combine both...

Letters / Director's admission letter to an International student> [7]

Last few corrections then this will be good to go :-)


- He believes that voluntary work enriches the lives of those around him who need his help. He insists on participating in activities that will broaden people's involvement in community services and is particularly dedicated to drafting the rich members of the community into this cause.


- His leadership and hard work have been invaluable to the success of our organization and school programs. He is often the student behind the activities that calls upon the collaboration of various school organizations, clubs, local businessmen, and other important community figures that can help alleviate the poverty that he sees in the communities where our organization volunteers its time and efforts.

Writing Feedback / Exposure to foreign language at primary school should be encouraged as much as possible - IELTS [11]


- Mention some perceived benefits of learning a foreign language in primary school. This will support the professional claim that educators have and also provide an overview of what discussion will be taking place within the essay.


- You are under a time constraint. Avoid redundancies and always discuss direct to the point. Develop the reasoning of this paragraph further before opposing it in the same paragraph.


- Don't forget to argue the side of the opposing faction as you did in the previous paragraph. This will bring a balance to the discussion that right now does not exist.


- Before you conclude, you must provide your personal point of view on the matter or at least make it clear early on in the introduction that the reasons contained within will be solely your personal opinion and will not contain any other opinion.

Vincent, there is time to polish this essay but you will need to calm down, relax, and put your trust in yourself when it comes to the practice tests. You need to concentrate and not let the fear of taking the test overwhelm you. I can sense that you are a bit panicky at the moment. That will not help you when the test time comes. I suggest that you try to relax a day or two before the test. Don't practice up to the last minute. You will burn out before you even take the test.

Writing Feedback / Some people claim that teaching children of different abilities together will benefit them [5]

Your essay will greatly benefit from further discussions in the first two paragraphs. Perhaps offering an example or two based on professional opinions coming from teachers would help to reinforce the supporting reasons you provided. The opposing argument could use further development as well and a few examples to prove your point.


- William, it would greatly help your essay if you developed this point of view further before concluding the essay. In an opinion type essay such as this one, your personal opinion and any experience that you can use to back up your claims are greatly appreciated by the reader. That is because it shows a deeper understanding of the topic being discussed and reinforces the fact that your opinion has a solid foundation. Don't forget that your personal opinion carries most of the weight in a graded paper as this is the part of the essay that proves your reading comprehension and written communication skills.

Graduate / The Adult-Gero Primary Care Nurse Practitioner program interests me for a number of reasons [2]

Msha, you have managed to write an almost perfectly combined statement of purpose and personal statement. However, I would like you to develop certain parts that do not totally answer the prompt.


- That said, how exactly do you plan on choosing your future preceptor? That is what the essay is asking you to relate. So if you have a criteria in mind, I suggest you discuss it in this section in order to respond to the prompt.


- There is a slight snobbishness and haughtiness to this particular sentence, I am recommending that you try to find another way of saying this. Play up your desire to respond to a job that you know is a vocation rather than an ambition instead. It should come across as softer and with more concern and care for the patients :-)

Writing Feedback / In recent people tends to late marriage and late children. a)Why this happen ? b)What is the impact? [2]

Ashikk, the first thing I have to comment on is the content of your essay. You have very well thought out ideas and do your best to represent your opinion on the matters concerning the topic. However, by discussing the reasons continuously in one paragraph, the essence of the topic is lost. You need to develop the first and seeding reasons as separate paragraphs so that you can fully develop your line of reasoning in support of the statement. The evidence or samples you present can also be read as a stand alone sample which will not confuse the reader.

While there are spelling and sentence structure errors that need to be addressed, fixing the structure and format of your discussion is our main priority in order to deliver an understandable and compelling essay. I suggest you separate the topics and further develop the paragraphs before we work on anything else so we can limit the revision work you have to do :-)

Undergraduate / Fashion Institute of Technology Admissions Essay - Breaking Expectation [2]

I think that we need to create a focus for your essay in order to remove the redundancies and add a focus to the essay. Right now, you are talking in general about your academic accomplishments and extra-curricular activities. Since FIT is known as a school of business, art, and technology, design, all in relation to the fashion industry, I believe that you need to focus on one of the seventeen majors offered by the university.

The best way to tailor fit this essay to its requirements is to pick a major and then review your academic and extra-curricular experiences. Outline which parts are relevant to the course you are applying to. Brainstorm the best way to present your achievements in those fields and then draft a preliminary essay that contains just your general thoughts. As you read your outline, you will discover which portions you will want to highlight in the paper and then expand upon those areas by offering each topic its fully developed paragraph. Keep in mind, the paragraph needs to be tailored in a way that will relate directly to your choice of majors.

While your current essay tells us everything about your academic and extra-curricular activities, it does not show a probably career path for you. That is what this essay is looking for, the possible career path that you are looking into. I believe that by trying out the guidelines I gave you above, you will be able to eliminate redundancies and tighten the focus of your paper.

Writing Feedback / Honesty is always the most important consideration in any relationship - statement essay [9]

See if this works for you Adam :-)


- When we get caught being dishonest, we destroy the relationship that we have with people. A relationship that was primarily built on blind trust for one another.


- Life is filled with many problems. The temptation to lie will only get stronger as our responsibilities begin to pile up and we begin to take more responsibility for our actions. By learning to be honest and not hiding the truth from the people who can help us when we are in trouble, we learn that dishonesty is not something that can help us get out of problematic situations. A person who tells the truth will always get the help he needs before the problem gets worse. A person who is dishonest, does not get the help he needs until it is too late to fix the problem. Take for example, the case of a child failing in class. If he tells his parents he is having problems in a class, they can get a tutor to help him pass. If he is dishonest and does not tell the truth about his problems in school, he will fail the class. Then his parents will be mad because he was dishonest about how he was doing in school and they only found out about it when it was too late to help him. Our responsibility as students is to pass our class, our parents can help us do that but only if we are honest enough to ask for their help. Asking for help in this instance, is not a weakness but rather a sign of maturity and responsibility with regards to our duties as a student.


- ... doesn't meanit did not happen. My examples about honest above proves that honesty must always be an important consideration in any relationship.

Undergraduate / Change for the better - melting pot adventure [7]


- I experienced the melting pot...


- ... I had to learn to take care of my self and discover...


- So I developed a patience for many things such as other people and developed a sense of self reliance in order to keep myself afloat in a complex and problematic new world.


- I came to realize that I was not totally American nor was I still totally a Venezuelan. I was now a combination of both cultures and somehow, I managed to combine the best of both worlds within me. Creating a unique individual who could evolve as a person and an intellectual in any given setting. The "melting pot" culture had successfully transformed me without my noticing it.


- I am now a person capable of using the skills I have learned from all my past life stages. I have perfected my adult self to a great extent. I am looking forward to further advancing myself and taking advantage of the "melting pot" culture as I venture into my college studies.

Letters / Director's admission letter to an International student> [7]

A few more suggestions and recommendations pertaining to the content and grammar of the letter can be found below.


- Give the name of the organization. This will give credibility to your statements and also allow the admission officer to verify the claims you are making about the Anouar pertaining to the actions that he took as a member of the organization.


- Programs such as? What was his direct participation in the implementation?


... at the age of ...

Scholarship / Immigration has a cost----Questbridge Essay [5]


- Immigration is said to have its costs for those wishing to achieve a better life in a new country. That is a belief that is all too true for those who come to the United States in the pursuit of the American Dream. I am the embodiment of that cost, having experienced the multitude of difficulties and risks along the path towards achieving my American Dream.


- Keep this paragraph with some changes. It totally supports the claims you made in your introduction.
- I chose to come to America with my parents and sister when I was in the third grade. I took the chance with my family because our bond was stronger and more important than anything else to me at the time. Our parents did their best to help ease us into the American culture, even though they struggled themselves. Life was vastly different in this large country. The culture was nothing like what we were used to. This made our life unstable for the first few years. But we soldiered on because we wanted to become American and live the dream.

Undergraduate / Change for the better - melting pot adventure [7]

Vinny, please not my suggestions in blue and comments in green. Changes will be in red.


- Vinny, there is something wrong with this paragraph. At the age of 10 you were not old enough to make such a big decision for yourself. Nor were you financially capable of supporting such a big move. I believe that you need to rewrite the introduction. Instead saying that your parents made a very big decision regarding your future when they decided to move the family to the United States. You can keep the portion about the move changing you for the better.


- I had to adjust to living in the big city. With my father constantly working and a sickly stepmother to care for, I had to learn to grow up fast in a strange, new world. I learned how to become more self-reliant because my parents could only do so much for me. I had to learn patience because I had to constantly care for my stepmother. I learned how to take public transportation in order to keep my family going. Sure I made mistakes, but every mistake I made was part of what I now believe to be character building exercises for me since I learned something new from each failure or mistake.


- I was given the privilege of sharing my immigrant story with Venezuelan students during one of my visits to the country. I shared my story of integration and the changes for the better that occurred as I became a part of American society. While I was concerned about the audience reaction, I felt that I needed to share this story with them. Even if they thought I was haughty and snobbish, I needed to share my story of hope and triumph over adversity with them. As I watched their faces react to my story, I came to a realization, I had taken my move to America and my experiences for granted. These students may just continue to dream of what I had achieved. I learned to treasure and feel proud of my accomplishment in life. That of changing the direction of my future for the better with the help of my parents and a nurturing country. It is a privilege that I will never take for granted again.

Writing Feedback / Honesty is always the most important consideration in any relationship - statement essay [9]

Let me try to rework the sentences for you and offer some suggestions to help you further polish the essay :-)


- Our parents try to instill the value and meaning of honesty [...]


- Being dishonest seems to be the right thing to do sometimes. [...]

Mothers can always forgive their children. But in other cases, say a friend, if you cheat him badly, lie to him, and he finds out the truth through other ways, then there is not surprise that's the end of your relationship. A good relationship is based on the trust from each other. Trust is such a magic and vulnerable thing, once being betrayed, then quite hard to repair it. So if we appreciate the relationship with a person, then we'd better be honest.

- Rather than using this paragraph, try to develop a paragraph that shows the benefit of being honest with our parents in terms of the grades, good or bad that one receives. It will help to strengthen your personal point of view later on in the paper.

Although lying can help us achieve certain purpose for a time, that is not good for a relationship. People in a relationship both suffer from a lie. Trust between people can hardly remains and thus a lie can really push a relationship into a degree of being broken. Considering all the factors listed above, I would say, telling the truth is the most important consideration in a relationship.

- We can rework this conclusion once you have applied the necessary edits to the essay :-) That way this concluding statement will be very strong and reliable in terms of information and sources.

Writing Feedback / IELTS- Should experiments on animals be banned? [2]

When dealing with an essay topic this complex, research is your best friend Sam. This essay suffers from a lack of credibility because of the lack of authoritative sources and simplistic arguments that you present. I have made some suggestions below that I hope will help you to improve the content of this essay.

- Your introduction is incomplete. You should have presented all the sides of the issue that will be discussed along with the thesis and your point of view. In this format, only your point of view is being read which, as we know, does not follow the I-B-C rules of essay writing.

- Are you arguing this as your point of view or are you just mentioning one side of the discussion? Can you present supporting evidence to justify the claims made in this paragraph? How sure are you that these experiments can prevent death? The discussion is weak due to lack of supporting evidence.

- Strengthen this argument by presenting evidence from animals rights organizations such as PETA and ASPCA. Right now, these are claims that do not carry any weight due to lack of information.


- Why do you think that it is essential to use animal testing? Your justification is very weak. You need to do additional research in order to give this paper any semblance of integrity and authority.

Undergraduate / Body Twist - extracurricular activity under 75 words - Bryn Mawr essays [4]

Jojo, might I suggest another way of stating the activity? See my version below. I hope it works for you. It is exactly 75 words :-) I believe this is a more streamlined version of what you were trying to say.

- I twisted my body a-hundred-eighty degrees the music blared. The other dancers and I rushed to the front and gyrated in strange movements known in Japanese dance as Yosakoi. My hands were all over the place clapping, throwing fists,feet stomping. The New Zealanders looked on in puzzlement. After our performance, an old lady came up to me, she whispered, "Great job! I kept looking at you!" I smiled. Her comment made our sweaty rehearsals worthwhile.

Writing Feedback / Honesty is always the most important consideration in any relationship - statement essay [9]


- I am not really sure what the relevance of yes and no is to the thesis. Rather, you should have opened with a discussion about how our parents are disappointed or angry with us the minute they discover that we have learned how to lie and be dishonest with them. That would be more in line with the prompt.


- I agree with Vns, the essay will benefit greatly from the use of examples. Hopefully you can use examples that come from your personal experience or the experience of people close to you. Explain the repercussions of dishonesty in such instances, even if it was done with good intentions in mind.


- This is a very weak conclusion. It is almost as weak as your introduction. You need to strengthen your earlier arguments in order to create a solid conclusion for this essay.

Adam, I hate to say this but this is one of your weakest essays. It needs a lot of work content-wise before it can even be ready for a preliminary grammar clean up :-(

Writing Feedback / Talking about "gap-year" - traveling or working [6]


- Adam, like I said above, you presented 2 new ideas in your concluding statement. Therefore, your last paragraph cannot officially be considered a closing statement. I am suggesting that you write 2 more paragraphs with a each paragraph dedicated to the 2 new ideas that you presented. Develop and discuss each topic fully within their their respective paragraphs and then write a new concluding statement to close the essay with. After you do that, you can write a new conclusion covering the rephrased thesis, summary of facts, and your personal opinion.

When you have completed the instructions I gave you, we can review your essay again and work on other corrections or the polishing of the paper :-)

Undergraduate / Little People & Little Things - QuestBridge Essay [3]

Linda, I really like the way you presented the part of the essay about your cousin and his experience with the Hanoi hospital. In fact, I believe that you should make that the introduction paragraph of the essay. It is a very effective hook that will keep te reader interested in fi in out the rest ofnyour story. The first part you have now abiutbyour birth and the traditional upbringing you had is just too boring and commonn for essays like these.

Having said that, I also believe that you should make more mention of how you had to overcome your own obstacles in the States. It is just underdeveloped because you left the explanation at the thought of your cousin was the only reason you survived. Surely there were other strong factors that helped over that hurdle. Those are worth mentioning here because it shows the development of your dreams and aspirations, along with your academic growth which did not reforge much attention in your essay but is an important part of the prompt. Accomplish that and then the grammar issues of the paper can then be corrected :-)

Scholarship / 'Challenges are always there to attack your weakest spots' - questbridge Biographical Essay [3]

lannn, while you wrote a highly comprehensive essay about your life, I feel that for this biographical essay, there is too much going on within the essay so that the information contained becomes overwhelming. Making the reader wonder as to how these all connect to your development as a person and the formation of your dreams and aspirations. I would like to suggest that you cut down on the content of the paper, concentrating on only one focal point, one, two, or three connected life changing events that could highlight this development. I am suggesting that your center the paper on the death of your father, remarriage of your mother, and the eventual coming to America.

The reason I want you to do this is simple, it was during these events in your life that you actually began to develop as a person, creating your dreams and aspirations based upon the needs of those around you and your own ideas of how to best achieve those expectations. It will show your strength as a person and your ability to form ambitions and aspirations even when faced with adversity. Don't concentrate too much on what happened to your mother or your relatives. Not even your living conditions, think about you in this instance. How did you feel? How did you react? What did you expect of yourself? Why were you held back from achieving your full potential? How did these struggles help you develop dreams and ambitions for yourself? Don't you think that would make for interesting reading in your essay?

You have all the life experiences to make that kind of portrayal work on paper, we will just need to work on connecting the factors and building a solid foundation that will be enhanced by the person you finally became. In fact, this is made very evident by the conclusion that you used. There are some grammar and sentence structure errors to be addressed in that part but I would keep it because of the strong conclusion is makes for your biography.

The overall paper does need some grammar work and corrections, but we can only address those once you perfect the theme and content of the paper :-) So don't worry about those for now. Let's clean up the theme first.

Scholarship / "The Value of Time" - Questbridge Significant Experience Essay [4]


Jin, essays often pass through a minimum of 3 revisions before you even begin to hit upon the essence of what you want to say or present. So go ahead and keep the two paragraphs in its original form. We can only advice you about how to write the essay. We can't do anything about the content. That is something that you choose for yourself. As you revise the content of the essay, you will be able to tell if you will be able to keep the first 2 paragraphs, need to adjust the content, or simply delete it. What happens to those paragraphs depends upon the corrections that you will make to the later paragraphs. If it fits the flow of the paper, then keep it. If it does not, you know that you have to adjust those paragraphs to make it fit. If you can't make it work, then don't force it.

Don't be afraid to post your revised versions here for our comment and advice. It doesn't matter if you make 200 versions of the same essay, we will always be happy to help you achieve the kind of essay that you can be proud of. You must be commended for the time and concentration you are applying to this essay. Trust me, you will know when something fits the theme of the paper or does not. You will know what to delete, change, or keep by instinct :-)

Scholarship / Immigration has a cost----Questbridge Essay [5]

Coming in with a word count of 425, I believe that you have done very well with this essay in terms of keeping within the word limit. Content wise though, there is some work to be done before the essay can be considered acceptable. I have some suggestions that can help you achieve that listed below:


- Does it address the topic? Not sufficiently enough. Is it organized and well understood? Yes. The main problem with your essay is that you discussed all of the hardships and future problems that you will be having without fully addressing any solutions that you achieved personally. You talk too much about so many topics that they all remain under developed in the discussion.

So here is a piece of advice, choose one obstacle that you had to overcome when you came to America and then center your essay around how you overcame that obstacle. That will be the achievement that the essay is asking you to discuss. You mentioned at least 2 obstacles that are of interest to the reader, pick the one that you think is the strongest and develop it.

Whatever happens, do not discuss your future problems. That has no bearing on your present or past situation in the country. The interest of the essay is on your past experiences or current experience that you are faced with. Do not be afraid to go into great detail about how you overcame the problem. It is necessary in order to deliver the required lesson learned on your part for the essay.

Writing Feedback / If I had one hour to visit a famous person, I would say that person will be Genghis Khan [2]

You need better reasons than what you chose to state. If you had an hour to spend with that person, wouldn't you want to spend it getting to know the person? Asking them about important questions that you feel history books forgot to include in the telling of his saga? Perhaps you have some commonalities with Genghis Khan that you would like to develop in yourself. You did say that you once wanted to be like him right? So I think talking to him about his personality and how he thinks he developed into the person and historical figure that he became would help you get a clearer understanding of the person behind the myth.

Now about his military strategy, I understand that he was known as a brilliant strategist. How would discussing his strategy help you as a person? Or are you just a military aficionado who likes discussing wartime scenarios? Is there a particular battle of his that would become the focal point of your discussion with him? Why did you choose that battle in particular?

The questions I have provided for you to answer above will help you align your answers to the prompt and help explain why you would like to meet this person in particular. I hope that i was able to help you develop your answers. Good luck practicing your speech :-) I know you can do this ;-)

Undergraduate / 'I signed up to volunteer for the Special Olympics' - Common App Essay [2]


- This portion of the essay prompt clearly indicates that the place must be somewhere that you frequent and continuously feel the sense of contentment in. The Special Olympics is a one time event and although I can understand your feelings, I do not believe it accurately answers the prompt. The place has to be somewhere that you are hihgly familiar with, do something regularly in, or just simply, like being there. Places like your house, your bedroom, the park, the coffee shop, library, amusement park, video arcade, your grandparents place, are some areas I can suggest for your consideration.

The place you choose has to relate to the way that you are able to reflect upon life and its complications. Somewhere you can clear your thoughts and just relax, without worries or stress. You can just bask in the place and feel content with everything going around you. Surely there is a place in your life where you often feel this way. It could even be something as abstract as the loving embrace of a person or the smile of friend.

While the Special Olympics is a good occasion to choose, it does not carry the kind of emotional connection that this kind of statement requires. I am suggesting that you reconsider the paper and try to find another place to use for the paper. It will be very good for your application if you do so.