Undergraduate / 'questioning all that you have stood for' - College application essay [2]

While I commend you for your strong faith the bonds of family, I believe that the essay became under developed because of that particular concentration. The prompt clearly states;


The main focus of your essay should therefore be on the cancer of your mother and how you coped with it. Describe the challenges that your family faced and how it affected your relationship as a family unit. How did having to deal with the aftermath of diagnosis affect you as a person? Did is affect you in such a way that it helped give your life direction and purpose? Cancer is an illness that teaches a tremendous amount of life lessons and either improves or destroys the family as a unit. Touch on those topics and how you were involved with either solving the problem or further enhancing the family bond. What we need to learn about is your experience and how you came out of it, hopefully, as a new and improved version of yourself. The sermon is good to read about but only in as far as it applies to your personal development during this time of crisis. Otherwise, the voice of the pastor is really unnecessary in this essay.

Undergraduate / "Hey man, you should check out Baylor" - supplement essay [4]

Okay, this essay sounds more like you are taking David's recommendation that you attend Baylor more than anything else. I suggest you tone down the David part, concentrating instead upon what you learned about Baylor from you research and possibly an on campus visit that opened you up to the Baylor community. In fact, you can even look into the notable names of people who graduated from Baylor that work in the field that you are interested in .That will definitely help establish the reason behind your choice for Baylor. Mention something specific such as notable professors you look forward to working with. Or taking advantage of the internship opportunities they offer. You need to present your idea of the Baylor experience as the reason that you want to attend the university. As such, you will also be able to show how you will be an asset to the student community as well. Perhaps by mentioning the clubs you are interested in joining or organizations that you look forward to volunteering for. These will help enhance the part of the essay that asks you to discuss your future contribution to Baylor as a student. Right now, the essay is lacks substance and does not really answer the prompt in a good, strong, and informed manner. I believe that a revision is definitely in order.

Undergraduate / "Life moves pretty fast..." - review my Villanova University Supplement Essay [2]

Supreeth, your essay is heading in 2 different directions at the moment. Making it difficult to find the focus of your paper. First you talk about ;


But then you never followed through on that discussion. I thought that this question was the introduction to that person, place, thing, or action that sets your heart on fire. Instead, you introduce us to something new that is almost unrelated to the question you posed.

Suddenly, we are in New York and learning about your visit there. You let us into your world by telling us about topics and situations that affect you. Yet you never really discuss how these little peeves manage to strike up a fire in your heart. I suggest that you choose the one thing that truly riles you up. Something that you feel you have to do something about or are actually doing something about already. That way you can fully develop your answer to the prompt in such a manner that your concern and fire, the passion that you have for that task of advocacy will shine through.

Undergraduate / "You have put in the miles..." Cross-Country Running (College Essay) [5]

LPMG, it would be easier for us to review this essay if we knew what the supporting prompt is. Kindly supply that when you have the time for a more accurate review of your work. Overall though, this is a pretty solid effort at writing a narrative from two perspectives. However, I felt like there was a disconnection between the last 2 paragraphs about your running and the past events in your life that you had to overcome. The essay would benefit from more development of the past events in your life as I believe that is the concentration of the paper?

As for the last paragraph, you beat a personal record in running. But I did not see how that reflected a past experience of yours. What exactly were you trying to beat throughout your life? How does that relate to your experience in running? Can you possibly merge the lesson that you learned from the past and your present success into a paragraph that shows us how you developed a new insight regarding yourself or life?

I can probably make better comments after I read the prompt. So I will leave my opinions about the paper at this for now. Your grammar problems can be addressed later on. Let's tackle the essay one review section at a time :-)

Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]


- I often spent time away from home, sometimes not going home at all, in order to escape my home troubles.


- ... decided to rebuild my trust...


- The sacrifice my parents were making for my benefit was something that touched me deeply. I knew it was going to be hard for them to help me achieve my dream but the fact that they were willing to support my passion when other parents would have told their child to forget the dream, told me that my parents truly loved me and were willing to do anything to help me succeed in life. I could no longer carry a grudge against my parents, my father in particular, after he threw his support behind me.


- Where I was once a rebellious and spoiled daughter, I became more empathic towards the needs of my family and parents.


- Combine the remaining sentences with the previous paragraph about wanting to do well because your father gambled on you.


- You spoke of learning how to give of yourself which is why you are putting your brother's dreams as a reason for your sacrifice. However, by seeking scholarships abroad, you are not truly making a sacrifice for your brother. Your parents will still have to spend for your board and lodging, help you out financially whenever necessary, and spend to send you home during vacations and holidays. That is not exactly the way an adult and responsible sibling would react to the dreams of his or her sibling, I suggest you really rethink that statement. The adult and responsible thing to do would be to put your own plans for studying abroad on hold and helping your family to send you sibling abroad instead. While in the meantime, you save for your own future in order to go abroad for further education. You are still competing with your brother, financially, and that will affect your parents life and finances worse than the stock market gamble because this is an overseas gamble they may not recover from. I strongly encourage you to rethink the reason for the scholarship. Not your brother. Talk about financial hardship and how with a younger brother, you need to free your family from their financial obligation to you. Talk of working part time or doing things to help you stay in school in the United States. The talk about the competition with your brother just does not leave a good image of you as an "adult". You still come across a selfish and self-centered once you mention the competition with your brother. There is no disguising it. There is no sugar coating it. That is why I am trying to get you to stop talking about your brother in relation to your aspirations for studies abroad. There is nothing "adult" about this action at all. It completely destroys the foundation you built earlier in the essay. However, if you wish to continue on this path of discussion, then there is nothing I can do or say to change your mind.

Undergraduate / "BEST BUDDIES", significant event in my life- college entrance essay [3]

Karina, while you present a good idea of the work that you do with Best Buddies, I am still unclear as to how your participation in the organization led to one of the more recent significant events in your life. Your statement presents only a generalized idea about the work of the organization and how you participated in it. While this provides an excellent overview of the mission of the organization, that is not what the essay requires from you. What we need to learn about is the significant event in your life that took place during your time working with the organization.

I suggest that you tell a story in relation to this significant event. Narrate the story of one of the more memorable kids in the group that you were able to help. Discuss the situation the child was in. Let us know how you connected with him and how you helped him overcome the problem he was involved in. Let us into your world as a volunteer friend. We need to know why this child and his situation stood out in particular for you. Describe how you were affected by the situation and how it has affected your development as a person. That will show us the importance and relevance of this event in your life.

Undergraduate / WHY MADISON? It would find me a great gain to part of their community [5]

- Do you know more about how Frederick Harlow was influenced by the academic community of Madison? If you can make a connection between coming to understand that and the way you hope the university can influence you as well, you will have created an interesting opening statement that presents you are an inquiring mind that can bring further prestige to the university in the future.


- Instead of portraying yourself as a self taught person, talk about looking forward to working with their community instead. Explain what you have to come to understand about their closely knit student campus and how you feel that exposure to both the academic and social aspects of Madison will help you learn more in a balanced environment that offers equal priority to the academic and social development of its students.


- Only speak of your current extra curricular activities where you excel. If you are only interested in an activity but cannot offer the school anything that will enhance their team roster, they won't really be interested in hearing about it. Be truthful. Don't be afraid to tell them if you don't have any extra curricular activities that are related to sports. Talk of your true interests. Do not change yourself for the sake of admission to the school. You may find it difficult to defend in the event of an actual interview or fact checking by the admission officer.

Graduate / I CAN COMPETE WITH TALENTED STUDENTS FROM ALLOVER THE WORLD - SYRACUSE Personal statement [2]


- nikhi, the first sentence is just a filler so delete it. Your true opening statement starts with "I believe..." That is the strongest statement you can make to start this paper off.


- Merge these two statements into one and use the rest of the space in the paragraph to fully explain how you plan to become a positive addition to the campus community. How long have you worked with L2B? How has that helped you become a well - rounded person? Why do you plan to continue helping them in the future? Can you do the same for your community members who need your help?


- What are the highlights of their CS course that you look forward to? Any professors in particular that you hope to learn from or work with? What can you offer Syracuse as a future graduate? Why will you wear your school colors proudly? You need to let the reader know just how impressed you are by Syracuse and how badly you want to attend the university because of these reasons, without going overboard. That's were the revision and editing of the content of your paper comes in.

Scholarship / "Introspection"; in that one day I learned a lot about myself - National Merit Scholarship Essay [2]

River, while you present a good story about self discovery, there are certain elements lacking that, if present, could have helped better solidify the basis of your paper. Right now, this feels like a generic paper that does not really say much about the event or person that you are telling us helped changed your life. So you need to work on those points.

First of all, you talk about this person, and the pivotal, life changing question that he asked. However, you never truly built up the situation leading to this question. Who is this person? Why was he at your school? Why was he giving this talk? The reason you need to let the reader know this is because this speaker influenced you to think about something you had not considered important before. So he must be an important person for your school to have scheduled assembly time just to hear what he had to say. So let us know all about him. Just so we can get an idea as to why he was able to influence you that way.

The way your essay is currently set up, you are trying to talk about an influential person and an experience that you have had. Finding out that you were shutting people out was probably something that affected you greatly. I am sure you made the effort to find out why you do that. Let us know what that process was like. Did you ever find the answer of perhaps a reason behind this trait of yours? How did the man's talk help you achieve that status of enlightenment and reason?

Finally, we need to know, how did that realization and your efforts to overcome that obstacle (yes, you can cover all 3 points in one essay thanks to your very interesting topic) help you become a better person? Who are you now because of the talk that you heard? How have you changed? How do you think it will continue to change you in the future? Where does the scholarship fit into these changes you hope to achieve on a personal level?

Writing Feedback / IELTS: fathers and mothers are used to set role models to their children [3]


- Abdurasul, you have written a very short introductory sentence. In fact, it lacks content. There is no restatement of the thesis, neither is there an overview of the discussion you will be making in the paper. Instead, we have your complete agreement with the point of view. Without any idea how or where this discussion emerged from. You need to develop this paragraph further in order to make it an acceptable introduction.


- While you present a good discussion, I believe that you can still develop this paragraph. If you won't mind my making a few suggestions, don't zero in specifically on the Uzbek mentality because this is a discussion that should be relevant on an international scale. Explain the power of observation as it develops in children and how they are influenced into their first speech patterns, walking, or physical movement based upon an infantile understanding of their parents actions. This would be one of the best ways to discuss the mirror example that you mentioned.


- Perhaps this is not the best example of parents as the best teachers. I am thinking that you can present the folk songs that we learn as children from our parents that helped us find our voices for the first time. Or the baby games that we played with them that taught us hand and eye coordination. Lengthen your discussion about the parents being our first educational motivators as well. That is a very important aspect that can help prove your point.

I have another suggestion to make. Perhaps you can also present a professional point of view on this topic? Information coming from child experts or pediatric doctors would definitely help to add academic credibility to your discussion and present a more professional looking paper :-)

Undergraduate / "Limitless" - MIT Essay; I come from a family who thinks a human limit exists [3]

You have actually written a very interesting essay. However, you need to clarify what you mean by a human limit existing for your family members. All of you have managed to go to college and one even managed to achieve higher advanced education. So I am not sure if a human limitation really exists. I believe that your paper will benefit from a few examples of the times when your family displayed believing in such limitations. Concrete examples that you can use to launch your belief that you may be from a different DNA chain than everyone else.

Speaking of everyone else, it would do this essay well if you dug deeper into your mindset about human's not having any limits. I suggest that you tell us about a time when you argued about that point with your family and how you defended your stand. Then let us know if your family supports your attempt to attend college. If they do not, explain why in terms of the limitations that they believe in. If they do support it explain your puzzlement at how they can support your college dreams and yet believe that humans have limitations.

More specifically, are these gender based or education based limitations? Those are but two types of human limitations that some people believe to exist. So I believe you need to get more specific about the limitations that you are discussing. Don't forget to relate the discussion to you wishing to break out of the mold and how you plan to show your family that human limitations do not exist either through your academic achievements or future professional goals :-)

Writing Feedback / Teacher can either affect positively or negatively so being strict and hard disciplined is necessary [5]


- Let me give you something to ponder about strictness. When a teacher is too strict, the student tends to fear the teacher and thus, cannot concentrate on the lesson. Shouldn't there be a balance between strictness and gentleness instead? As an student, I am sure you have experienced "terror" strict teachers and you were probably not very comfortable with that teacher right? Strictness will not necessarily translate into respect with the students. Think back on your experience with "Strict" teachers and then consider if that is really a good quality you want to advance as an educator.


- Instead of saying easy going I believe that you should discuss compassion and understanding as good qualities of a teacher. Remember that students with learning shortcomings will benefit from teachers who know how to get the lesson across using non-threatening manners like a "strict" teacher would.

I would really like you to consider my observations before we delve into the grammar problems that the essay has. Once we are sure that the paper portrays the correct positive qualities of an educator, then we can edit the grammar problems :-)

Writing Feedback / Teacher can either affect positively or negatively so being strict and hard disciplined is necessary [5]

Vsn, you missed the essence of the prompt. It is not asking you about the qualities of a bad teacher and why teacher's should not be that way. It is asking you for the qualities that you believe are important in becoming a good teacher. While I will admit that you presented good answers in terms of bad qualities, the essay is truly lacking an answer to the prompt;


What I would like you to do, or rather, consider as a revision to your essay is this, write the essay from your point of view as a future educator. Talk about the reasons why you believe you will be a good teacher but instead of discussing it in first person form, use second person references instead. That way you answer the prompt directly. You can use first person references when you provide examples for the characteristics that you will be describing. Then you can close the statement with a reference to how you hope to become the embodiment of the perfect teacher qualities that you just discussed when your time to be the teacher comes :-) I believe that strategy will work very well with this kind of paper.

Undergraduate / The trip to a football stadium turned out to be more than an exciting experience; Common app prompt [8]

This is a unique abstract answer to a prompt that will normally have common answers. You took us on the adventure with you. Engaging all of our senses and then giving us a reason to believe that this would indeed be a unique place where you, a big football fan, would feel most content. It is almost as if you are telling us that this memory is enough to inspire you to always strive to be the best that you can be in everything that you do. That said, I would like to make some suggestions regarding grammar problems that need correcting below:


- You need to ease us into the scenario you are describing. Introduce the topic to us by restating the prompt. That way, when you slide into the description, we know the reason why you are recalling this particular event and place.


- ...tickets we had bought...


- ... to leave an open space... The stadiumgave an illusion... in the opposite upper tier .


- ... as the game went on.


- ... I was a part of something special.


- Expand upon this statement. You need to explain how you found yourself in that stadium. How did that happen? What did you learn about yourself during the experience? We need to get an idea and a clear understanding of why you said that.


- ... recall the experience of being among...

I hope the suggestions I made will make the essay more complete and satisfactory in your opinion. I feel that these changes are necessary to clean up the message of the essay :-)

Undergraduate / "freaking awesome" - Why Swarthmore? Supplementary College essay [13]

mmurray, that is definitely headed in a better direction. It would help if you could say something about how you expect to be challenged by the professors or learning atmosphere at the university as well. I specially like this portion:


- If you can develop this particular sentence further, it will directly connect with the following part of the prompt:


- It is important to let the reader know that you are interested in the more challenging academic aspects that you will experience at the university. These can all combine in order to help you develop yourself as a person, a student, and a member of society as well.

I like the way you have the first part rewritten. It is a marked improvement over the first one and gives unexpected answers to the prompt. I am excited to read the rest of your new statement :-) Keep it up!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: It is unrealistic for a school to provide so called parenting training for its students [7]

Mark, the paper is asking you consider a trend that is somewhat common in American schools these days. In high school, their students are paired into father and mother partnerships with either a bag of flour or a raw egg to take care of for a week. They are given a schedule of feeding, changing, and sleeping time for their "children" and they have to follow the schedule given to them or the "child" will die or have an accident. If something happens to the egg of flour sack, they fail the class. This is a lesson in parenting and responsibilities.

I am not sure but I believe that the lesson is taught as part of sex education classes and is an effort to teach teenagers about the dangers of pre-marital sex and introduce them to the world of parenting in such a way that they will reconsider having unprotected sex since unprotected sex can result in unexpected pregnancies at their ages. The main objective of the lesson is to show them how hard it is to be a parent and the repercussions of irresponsible parenting.

From what I understand of the prompt you presented, certain schools outside the U.S. also want to try the same experiment in order to help educate students about proper parenting and the responsibilities that come along with it. After all, taught in school, the students will develop a simple understanding of parenting that they can take with them into their mature family years.

You can use the explanation I used above as a basis for writing your new opinion essay on the topic. I hope I was able to clarify the requirements of the topic for you. Please don't hesitate to ask questions if you are still confused about how to write the paper. We are here to help :-)

Undergraduate / "freaking awesome" - Why Swarthmore? Supplementary College essay [13]

mmurray, I definitely suggest that you make it more specific. I appreciate that you recognize the vagueness of your statements. Instead of saying "Change -" or "Voice-" then discussing it, you need to make it flow more as an essay instead of an itemized listing. My advice will be develop each portion as a separate paragraph. You already know the kind of change and voice that you can bring to Swarthmore, so let us feel it. Allow us to read it. Be as personal and definite as possible. '

You need to create an aura of a connection with the school. Something that tells them that you will be an extreme asset to the community and that you will be able to elevate not only the academic, but also social community of the university. Normally, universities and colleges consider socio-civic minded students an asset who can best enhance their roster of student members. Think along those lines and make sure you present yourself in that light as best as possible :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: It is unrealistic for a school to provide so called parenting training for its students [7]

Mark, thank you for supplying the full prompt so fast.I have already listed my comments and suggestions for the improvement of your paper above. I am encouraging you to try and apply those suggestions in the revision of your paper. That is so you can compare your first version with the second version, noting the improvement from one paper to the next in terms of content and discussion.

Feel free to experiment. Develop the essay further. You have the time to do that in the paper. Just make sure you don't go past 5 paragraphs in length so that you will be able to leave ample time for revision and editing during the actual exam. You need to be able to practice doing those under time constraints as well. Remember that simply typing words but not really saying anything or having a truly developed idea will not help improve your score or increase you chances of passing.

I am looking forward to the possibility of reading a revised version of your paper. We are all on board with helping you improve your writing skills before you take the test so feel free to ask questions if you are confused about something ok? We are here to help you out :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: It is unrealistic for a school to provide so called parenting training for its students [7]

Mark, the first thing I need to comment on is the fact that you supplied an incomplete essay prompt. So I am not really sure about the content or how to review the paper. I hope you can supply the full prompt as soon as possible so that a more accurate review can be done. For now, I can give you a general review of your essay, I can improve upon the comments and suggestions after you supply the prompt.


- Revise this. This is an incomplete introduction. There is no restatement of the thesis nor introduction to the topic. So we have no real idea as to what you are disagreeing with and why.

- What courses are being offered and why? How does this affect parenting in the opinion of its supporters and in your point of view? There is a lack of clarity in the paragraph.

- Why is it controversial? What are the parenting problems that exist today and how is it being addressed? Will parenting classes really help? Are there studies to prove it is effective or not effective? Present supporting evidence.

- Do you think you would personally use these parenting classes when you become a parent? Why or why not? This will directly relate to your opinion on the topic. Use supporting examples whenever possible.

- Don't present new ideas in your conclusion. Just restate the prompt. give an overview of facts, then repeat your opinion. If you want to keep this paragraph, you will need to write it as a separate paragraph and develop its discussion further.

Once you clean up the aforementioned problems of the essay, we will clean up the grammar problems next. There is no sense in correcting it now because you still need to change the content of the essay which will affect the succeeding revisions to the paper.

Writing Feedback / First time celebrating Christmas - belief or idea challenge [2]

Kev, This is a very interesting essay that shows the multifaceted cultures that exist in the United States today. I hope that I will be able to make suggestions that will further help enhance the content of this wonderfully conceptualized essay.


- This is a very good catalyst statement. But I think that you should have combined the fact that your family does not celebrate Christmas with the scenes that transpired int he classroom in order to make it more interesting. You could tell us what was running through your mind as your classmates started telling the class about what they received or how they spent Christmas. Let us hear that voice inside you that was starting to rebel. Then at the end of the paragraph say something like "I decided that I was not going to take it anymore. I knew that the time had come to challenge my parent's beliefs in the traditions of the old country. After all, I was both a member of the old and new country. Deep inside, I knew that I needed to honor my new country traditions just as well as I honored the old ways." or something to that effect.


- Fast forward instead to the next Christmas when you finally challenged the old ways in your home. Tell us what happened. Did you succeed in celebrating Christmas for yourself at least? How did your family take it when you told them you wanted to celebrate Christmas? If you succeeded, why do you think you were able to convince them? If you failed, do you think you will try to convince them again next year? Why is it important to you that they start to celebrate Christmas? The questions I gave you will help align your last few paragraphs with the essay prompt. Don't forget to rework the conclusion in order to work with the new essay slant. That is if you decide to revise the essay :-) We will be here to help you out.

Writing Feedback / Exposure to foreign language at primary school should be encouraged as much as possible - IELTS [11]

Vincent, academic writing is based on a totally different premise from opinion papers. In academic writing, you need to cite sources of information and give factual data in support of the claims that you are making. Writing academically means developing an outline and discussing your essay by topic. It is also more than a page or 2 pages long. I believe that in order to write an academically acceptable essay, you need to write at least 5 pages, double spaced, using peer reviewed or academic journals for sources in the in-text citation portion. You need to do actual research in order to write academic essays. Academic essays are not mere opinion papers. These are informative research papers that hope to add valuable new insight or information regarding a specific topic.

You will also need to familiarize yourself with the academic essay writing formats. The most common formats are MLA and APA. Chicago, Turabian, and Harvard essay styles are some of the more advanced writing and research methods for essays and research papers. You can look up these particular styles on the internet for free if you want to practice writing in a more academic setting for essays.

Remember that all essays, regardless of formatting have something in common. All of these essays will be based on a given prompt or set of guide questions. Whenever appropriate, the professor or teacher will also ask you to present your personal opinion on the topic. That is normally placed at the end of the essay. Aside from these specific requirements, academic writing is not so different from regular essay writing :-)

Undergraduate / "Wrong but Right" - a memoirs about your experience in the past and its effect on you today [5]

Tbontb, the main problem with this essay is that it is excessively long when it doesn't need to be. The introduction is too flowery and wordy but does not help the essay progress in an interesting manner. It also contains numerous grammatical and sentence structure errors. The first thing that has to be done to fix this essay is to create a focus for the topic and work it into the essay fast. That is the only way to keep the reader interested in the story that you have to tell.

I am suggesting that you rework the introduction. Open with something like "I dated the wrong guy for all the right reasons". That is an effective hook that make the reader curious about why the wrong guy was actually Mr. Right for you. This also creates a sense of excitement and adventure in the story you are about to tell. You have an interesting relationship with this guy but it is drowned by too much back story that deviates from the central theme of the essay.

You need to combine your family history with the way Mr. Right changed you. Just telling us about your family is boring, but showing us how Mr. Right took you say from "shy and sheltered" to "open and adventurous" in relation to the way that your family raised you will definitely be showing up you your past experiences have affected who you have become. Don't forget to give a killer conclusion that probably thanks Mr. Wrong for helping you become the person you are today.

Undergraduate / "freaking awesome" - Why Swarthmore? Supplementary College essay [13]

mmurray, I always tell people who write supplementary essays that one should not simply repeat the information about the university that the admission officer already knows like the back of his hand. By doing that, the application is not really giving the reader a solid idea as to how you would fit into the Swarthmore mission and vision. You are merely telling them what enticed you to apply for admission to their university. The admission officer is looking for something more.

What they are looking for is why you are choosing Swarthmore in terms of who you are and what you have to offer the university. Tie in your extra curricular or academic activities related to your chosen major in such a way that you will be able to present yourself as a future student who will be able to help improve the student community of Swarthmore. What can you do to help the community improve based upon what you know about the university? They already know how good they are, now tell them how your addition will make them even better.

Anything you can say about your personal reasons for choosing Swarthmore that is not related to what they already know about their university will certainly help your application. So I suggest that you go into that direction. It just might help you tighten the essay and make it stand out more in the sea of application essays that the admission officer needs to read.

Undergraduate / 'I want to gain a great experience for the future' - Why USA? Why Global UGRAD? [3]


- Husniya, based upon the above prompt, it would be best for you to discuss your essay in terms of your personal plans and goals for the future. You mention that you are studying to become doctor. This will play directly into the prompt that asks you why you want to come to the United States. Mention something about being familiar with John Hopkins, Mayo Clinic, or Harvard medical school and how you have always dreamed of becoming a world class doctor with similar training. For the motivation and experiences part, you can discuss the current state of medical care in your country and how you hope to gain enough training in the future to be able to go back home so that you can do your part in helping to improve the medical conditions there.

When you talk about USGrad, don't tell the reviewer what he already knows about their organization. What he is looking for is information from you regarding how you will best utilize the opportunity that USGrad may decide to offer you. Something along the lines of how medical school is will be difficult enough for a foreign student who has to finance his studies on a full tuition as a non-American student. Then connect it to the vision or mission of USGrad when it comes to helping students who need scholarships or sponsorships in school. If well developed, all of the reasons that you will present in the above paragraphs will present a full idea of how studying in the United States will help your present and future goals.

Writing Feedback / In twenty years there will be fewer cars in use than there are today. [3]

Beginner, I will be posting my comments and suggestions per paragraph for your consideration :-) I noticed that you were offering your point of view from the very beginning so I did my best to stick to the essence of your paper from your point of view.

- Nowadays, carsplay an important role in our lives . People have embraced the participation of cars in even their most minor transportation errands and as such, even those without a car wish to have one. However, using cars causes a great deal of pollution and damage to our environment, affecting our planet as a whole. That is why scientists believe that even though the use of cars has benefits, those are far outweighed by the damage it causes. So the goal to have more people using lesser cars in 2o years is something the scientific community and national government have been batting for and is also something I support for a number of reasons.

- Cars help us reach our destinations faster. Its existence has forced national governments to create road infrastructure projects that brought employment and income to their cities. The problem, is that there is now an overabundance of cars. This proliferation of cars has affected us negatively as well because of higher road taxes meant to maintain the roads the cars pass on, the emergence of motor traffic where there was none before, deaths in road accidents, and increased global warming effects. It is because of these reasons that the national governments in the U.S., Japan, China, and Russia, to name but a few, have taken hard line measures to limit the use of cars for private purposes.These are also the very reasons why these countries are developing their public transportation infrastructure as well.

- All you need is one good point that you can completely and strongly argue. The first reason is more than enough to allow you to launch into a personal opinion in the next paragraph.

- The success of the government moves to limit the use of cars has seen great progress because of the emergence of the internet and the development of computers and consumer related software. These all combine to allow people to stay at home while completing the tasks that they normally would have had to leave the house and ride the car for. Errands such as grocery shopping, banking, bills payment, even doctor consultations, can now be done online. Thus saving gasoline for more necessary purposes and reducing the number of cars and people on the streets.

- It is because of the emergence of these technologies and gadgets that I foresee fewer cars on the road in twenty years. With governments aggressively promoting alternative modes of transportation via public transport systems, and the ease with which errands can be done without leaving the house, I really do not see a reason in the future for more cars to be on the road than necessary.

Undergraduate / Change for the better - melting pot adventure [7]

Vinny, I have a suggestion for the content that I hope you will consider. I am stating it below along with some minor corrections :-)


- I have been thinking about this part of the essay for a long time and I think we should develop it because of what you said within that will be a reflection upon the rest of the paper. You said that you have been living in a multicultural environment for 17 years. That means that you lived in a multicultural environment while a child in Venezuela. Can you mention something about that prior multicultural environment and what you learned there that we might be able to connect to the melting pot of the United States? We can keep it short, just something to give your claim of living in a multicultural environment for almost all your life some credibility :-)



- ... integrating into a new culture...



- Now, I am a person

Writing Feedback / Living and working abroad is certainly a great chance for youngs to gain worth experiences [2]

Here is a tip I always give ESL students. Learn to use an outline when you are writing an essay. List down the topics that you want to discuss by number or in the order of importance as you see it. Under the topics, write down the important facts, terms, and other data that you are sure you need to include in the essay in order to make the paragraph strong. After that, write a draft of your essay based upon your list.

Make sure that the list is followed in the essay in paragraph format. One topic with supporting reasons per paragraph. Read the draft and adjust the content or theme of the essay based upon the changes that you see arising from the way you wrote the paper. Do this around 3-5 times in order to develop the content or theme of the paper. When you have perfected your theme, we will then correct the problems with the vocabulary. I hope my suggestion proves to be helpful to you in the future :-)

Undergraduate / Change for the better - melting pot adventure [7]

Vinny, I am still catching grammatical errors in the essay. Let's work together to clean it up :-)


-I would go live with my...


- Adjusting to life in the big...


- I discovered ways ofgetting around by myself.


- I realized that...


- ... to combine both...

Letters / Director's admission letter to an International student> [7]

Last few corrections then this will be good to go :-)


- He believes that voluntary work enriches the lives of those around him who need his help. He insists on participating in activities that will broaden people's involvement in community services and is particularly dedicated to drafting the rich members of the community into this cause.


- His leadership and hard work have been invaluable to the success of our organization and school programs. He is often the student behind the activities that calls upon the collaboration of various school organizations, clubs, local businessmen, and other important community figures that can help alleviate the poverty that he sees in the communities where our organization volunteers its time and efforts.

Writing Feedback / Exposure to foreign language at primary school should be encouraged as much as possible - IELTS [11]


- Mention some perceived benefits of learning a foreign language in primary school. This will support the professional claim that educators have and also provide an overview of what discussion will be taking place within the essay.


- You are under a time constraint. Avoid redundancies and always discuss direct to the point. Develop the reasoning of this paragraph further before opposing it in the same paragraph.


- Don't forget to argue the side of the opposing faction as you did in the previous paragraph. This will bring a balance to the discussion that right now does not exist.


- Before you conclude, you must provide your personal point of view on the matter or at least make it clear early on in the introduction that the reasons contained within will be solely your personal opinion and will not contain any other opinion.

Vincent, there is time to polish this essay but you will need to calm down, relax, and put your trust in yourself when it comes to the practice tests. You need to concentrate and not let the fear of taking the test overwhelm you. I can sense that you are a bit panicky at the moment. That will not help you when the test time comes. I suggest that you try to relax a day or two before the test. Don't practice up to the last minute. You will burn out before you even take the test.

Writing Feedback / Some people claim that teaching children of different abilities together will benefit them [5]

Your essay will greatly benefit from further discussions in the first two paragraphs. Perhaps offering an example or two based on professional opinions coming from teachers would help to reinforce the supporting reasons you provided. The opposing argument could use further development as well and a few examples to prove your point.


- William, it would greatly help your essay if you developed this point of view further before concluding the essay. In an opinion type essay such as this one, your personal opinion and any experience that you can use to back up your claims are greatly appreciated by the reader. That is because it shows a deeper understanding of the topic being discussed and reinforces the fact that your opinion has a solid foundation. Don't forget that your personal opinion carries most of the weight in a graded paper as this is the part of the essay that proves your reading comprehension and written communication skills.

Graduate / The Adult-Gero Primary Care Nurse Practitioner program interests me for a number of reasons [2]

Msha, you have managed to write an almost perfectly combined statement of purpose and personal statement. However, I would like you to develop certain parts that do not totally answer the prompt.


- That said, how exactly do you plan on choosing your future preceptor? That is what the essay is asking you to relate. So if you have a criteria in mind, I suggest you discuss it in this section in order to respond to the prompt.


- There is a slight snobbishness and haughtiness to this particular sentence, I am recommending that you try to find another way of saying this. Play up your desire to respond to a job that you know is a vocation rather than an ambition instead. It should come across as softer and with more concern and care for the patients :-)

Writing Feedback / In recent people tends to late marriage and late children. a)Why this happen ? b)What is the impact? [2]

Ashikk, the first thing I have to comment on is the content of your essay. You have very well thought out ideas and do your best to represent your opinion on the matters concerning the topic. However, by discussing the reasons continuously in one paragraph, the essence of the topic is lost. You need to develop the first and seeding reasons as separate paragraphs so that you can fully develop your line of reasoning in support of the statement. The evidence or samples you present can also be read as a stand alone sample which will not confuse the reader.

While there are spelling and sentence structure errors that need to be addressed, fixing the structure and format of your discussion is our main priority in order to deliver an understandable and compelling essay. I suggest you separate the topics and further develop the paragraphs before we work on anything else so we can limit the revision work you have to do :-)

Undergraduate / Fashion Institute of Technology Admissions Essay - Breaking Expectation [2]

I think that we need to create a focus for your essay in order to remove the redundancies and add a focus to the essay. Right now, you are talking in general about your academic accomplishments and extra-curricular activities. Since FIT is known as a school of business, art, and technology, design, all in relation to the fashion industry, I believe that you need to focus on one of the seventeen majors offered by the university.

The best way to tailor fit this essay to its requirements is to pick a major and then review your academic and extra-curricular experiences. Outline which parts are relevant to the course you are applying to. Brainstorm the best way to present your achievements in those fields and then draft a preliminary essay that contains just your general thoughts. As you read your outline, you will discover which portions you will want to highlight in the paper and then expand upon those areas by offering each topic its fully developed paragraph. Keep in mind, the paragraph needs to be tailored in a way that will relate directly to your choice of majors.

While your current essay tells us everything about your academic and extra-curricular activities, it does not show a probably career path for you. That is what this essay is looking for, the possible career path that you are looking into. I believe that by trying out the guidelines I gave you above, you will be able to eliminate redundancies and tighten the focus of your paper.

Writing Feedback / Honesty is always the most important consideration in any relationship - statement essay [9]

See if this works for you Adam :-)


- When we get caught being dishonest, we destroy the relationship that we have with people. A relationship that was primarily built on blind trust for one another.


- Life is filled with many problems. The temptation to lie will only get stronger as our responsibilities begin to pile up and we begin to take more responsibility for our actions. By learning to be honest and not hiding the truth from the people who can help us when we are in trouble, we learn that dishonesty is not something that can help us get out of problematic situations. A person who tells the truth will always get the help he needs before the problem gets worse. A person who is dishonest, does not get the help he needs until it is too late to fix the problem. Take for example, the case of a child failing in class. If he tells his parents he is having problems in a class, they can get a tutor to help him pass. If he is dishonest and does not tell the truth about his problems in school, he will fail the class. Then his parents will be mad because he was dishonest about how he was doing in school and they only found out about it when it was too late to help him. Our responsibility as students is to pass our class, our parents can help us do that but only if we are honest enough to ask for their help. Asking for help in this instance, is not a weakness but rather a sign of maturity and responsibility with regards to our duties as a student.


- ... doesn't meanit did not happen. My examples about honest above proves that honesty must always be an important consideration in any relationship.

Undergraduate / Change for the better - melting pot adventure [7]


- I experienced the melting pot...


- ... I had to learn to take care of my self and discover...


- So I developed a patience for many things such as other people and developed a sense of self reliance in order to keep myself afloat in a complex and problematic new world.


- I came to realize that I was not totally American nor was I still totally a Venezuelan. I was now a combination of both cultures and somehow, I managed to combine the best of both worlds within me. Creating a unique individual who could evolve as a person and an intellectual in any given setting. The "melting pot" culture had successfully transformed me without my noticing it.


- I am now a person capable of using the skills I have learned from all my past life stages. I have perfected my adult self to a great extent. I am looking forward to further advancing myself and taking advantage of the "melting pot" culture as I venture into my college studies.

Letters / Director's admission letter to an International student> [7]

A few more suggestions and recommendations pertaining to the content and grammar of the letter can be found below.


- Give the name of the organization. This will give credibility to your statements and also allow the admission officer to verify the claims you are making about the Anouar pertaining to the actions that he took as a member of the organization.


- Programs such as? What was his direct participation in the implementation?


... at the age of ...

Scholarship / Immigration has a cost----Questbridge Essay [5]


- Immigration is said to have its costs for those wishing to achieve a better life in a new country. That is a belief that is all too true for those who come to the United States in the pursuit of the American Dream. I am the embodiment of that cost, having experienced the multitude of difficulties and risks along the path towards achieving my American Dream.


- Keep this paragraph with some changes. It totally supports the claims you made in your introduction.
- I chose to come to America with my parents and sister when I was in the third grade. I took the chance with my family because our bond was stronger and more important than anything else to me at the time. Our parents did their best to help ease us into the American culture, even though they struggled themselves. Life was vastly different in this large country. The culture was nothing like what we were used to. This made our life unstable for the first few years. But we soldiered on because we wanted to become American and live the dream.

Undergraduate / Change for the better - melting pot adventure [7]

Vinny, please not my suggestions in blue and comments in green. Changes will be in red.


- Vinny, there is something wrong with this paragraph. At the age of 10 you were not old enough to make such a big decision for yourself. Nor were you financially capable of supporting such a big move. I believe that you need to rewrite the introduction. Instead saying that your parents made a very big decision regarding your future when they decided to move the family to the United States. You can keep the portion about the move changing you for the better.


- I had to adjust to living in the big city. With my father constantly working and a sickly stepmother to care for, I had to learn to grow up fast in a strange, new world. I learned how to become more self-reliant because my parents could only do so much for me. I had to learn patience because I had to constantly care for my stepmother. I learned how to take public transportation in order to keep my family going. Sure I made mistakes, but every mistake I made was part of what I now believe to be character building exercises for me since I learned something new from each failure or mistake.


- I was given the privilege of sharing my immigrant story with Venezuelan students during one of my visits to the country. I shared my story of integration and the changes for the better that occurred as I became a part of American society. While I was concerned about the audience reaction, I felt that I needed to share this story with them. Even if they thought I was haughty and snobbish, I needed to share my story of hope and triumph over adversity with them. As I watched their faces react to my story, I came to a realization, I had taken my move to America and my experiences for granted. These students may just continue to dream of what I had achieved. I learned to treasure and feel proud of my accomplishment in life. That of changing the direction of my future for the better with the help of my parents and a nurturing country. It is a privilege that I will never take for granted again.

Writing Feedback / Honesty is always the most important consideration in any relationship - statement essay [9]

Let me try to rework the sentences for you and offer some suggestions to help you further polish the essay :-)


- Our parents try to instill the value and meaning of honesty [...]


- Being dishonest seems to be the right thing to do sometimes. [...]

Mothers can always forgive their children. But in other cases, say a friend, if you cheat him badly, lie to him, and he finds out the truth through other ways, then there is not surprise that's the end of your relationship. A good relationship is based on the trust from each other. Trust is such a magic and vulnerable thing, once being betrayed, then quite hard to repair it. So if we appreciate the relationship with a person, then we'd better be honest.

- Rather than using this paragraph, try to develop a paragraph that shows the benefit of being honest with our parents in terms of the grades, good or bad that one receives. It will help to strengthen your personal point of view later on in the paper.

Although lying can help us achieve certain purpose for a time, that is not good for a relationship. People in a relationship both suffer from a lie. Trust between people can hardly remains and thus a lie can really push a relationship into a degree of being broken. Considering all the factors listed above, I would say, telling the truth is the most important consideration in a relationship.

- We can rework this conclusion once you have applied the necessary edits to the essay :-) That way this concluding statement will be very strong and reliable in terms of information and sources.