Undergraduate / Autobiography of myself as a reader - Syracuse University Common App [3]

Talk about a highly entertaining read. This is quite well developed for an essay based solely upon your development as a reader. However, I found myself wondering as to what your foundation was when you started reading. The influences of earlier authors that you read and the simplicity or complexity of those stories would have contributed greatly to the lack of interest and confusion that you felt when you read Wicked. So perhaps an introduction to that aspect of your biography is necessary at the start. It is something that gives us an idea of where you started and how far you have come as a reader.

I would have also liked to have learned more about why yo decided to stop reading the book instead of challenging yourself to overcome the obstacles that you faced the first time you read Wicked. I mean, these were challenges that a voracious reader would have sought to overcome, yet you did the opposite. Why is that? An analysis of why you feel that you had matured as a reader the second time you picked up the book is also in order. What books did you read in between the time you stopped reading Wicked and then picking it up again? How did those books influence you when you finally opened the book again? All of these elements are part and parcel of your autobiography as a reader. I suggest that you try to figure out how to include these important elements in your paper.

Don't be afraid to ask for help. We will be more than happy to help you improve this paper to the point where you will be able to say that it is the perfect paper for you. Not that it isn't perfect now. It's just that there is room for more perfection :-)

Letters / Director's admission letter to an International student> [7]

- Could you somehow connect this trait of Med's to some strong aspect or requirement for a person pursuing his degree? It is always best to make a connection between the person and his ability to perfectly perform what is expected of him as a student of his major and eventually, in the performance of his duties.


- His wisdom and foresight ...

- Suggested method of discussing this event; His wisdom and foresight has helped him resolve many issues within the community that our organization assists. One of these events sticks out particularly for me because it showed his wisdom, foresight, and ability to be a negotiator as early as the age of fifteen. He brought an end to the school aged violence caused regionalism of the students whom we were tutoring in Tunisia by having them sit down for a meeting. It was at this meeting where he explained to all the parties concerned about what makes us all Tunisian, regardless of our skin color, race, or ethnicity. He encouraged them not to use bullets but instead learn to discuss and compromise. He handled the meeting with such initiative and confidence that I knew I was talking to a born leader and I have yet to come across another young member of our organization who can rival him on those terms.

There is an overall improvement in the letter in terms of content. I have given you some advice as to how to best present his leadership abilities above.

Undergraduate / Father in jail - UCF Personal Statement: Overcoming an Obstacle [2]

- You only have a limited amount of space to state your case. This portion is just a word filler. so it can be omitted.

- Go directly to telling this story. Only work in how you found out what happened. Jump directly into the obstacle. In fact, open the paragraph with it for more impact. Explain how you felt when you found out he was arrested and why. Delve deeper into how you felt sitting in the "fishbowl" as you visited with him. Explain it's impact well into your adult life. That way you can properly explain how you overcame this obstacle.

-Develop this paragraph. Explain the impact. How did you overcome its chain reaction in your life? How did you work on forgiving him? Why will the memories never leave? If you say you will never forget the memories, can you actually claim to have overcome the obstacle of what happened in your life?

Writing Feedback / Talking about "gap-year" - traveling or working [6]

Hi Adam. You have greatly improved the content of the essay. I can really see how you are exerting a tremendous effort in mastering your essay writing skills. Let's see if I can help you out a little bit more :-) I made some suggestions as to how you can cut down on the word count of your essay without affecting the content. It is just too wordy at the moment and therefore becomes a chore to read. Opinion essays need to be direct to the point.


- ...I went directly to university studies ... very hard to prepare forthe Chinese college... which was full of... university I wished to attend.After all, I had prepared for college throughout high school. So I took it for granted that I would immediately go to the university after completing high school.However, not all of my friends and classmates went straight to college like I did. Some took a "gap year" to travel and experience the world. One friend of mine who took a "gap year" told me that the travel time really opened his eyes to the rest of the world and helped me to decide upon what course he really wanted to study in college. I guess that is one reason that the gap year is so popular. However, the "gap year" is not for all students.

- While I will admit that traveling during a "gap year" does have its benefits for some students, such as teaching them to be independent, and learning the value of hard work and money, there as just some instances when a 'gap year" could be dangerous in terms of a future choice of career or lifestyle for fresh high school graduates. A "gap year" does not always produce a stronger and more informed college student. If a student comes from a cloistered and sheltered upbringing then his social and survival skills are quite weak. He may not be able to survive too long away from his comfort zone. However, there are times when a student learns the value of hard work and money before they understand the value of education during a "gap year" and they opt never to go to college instead. Why should they when they can easily earn the money they need to support themselves? Being a waitress or a barista will never compare to being an engineer or astronomer, but it keeps money in their pockets and they did not need a formal education to earn the money.

- Just because a student goes directly to college from high school does not mean that he will lack experiences in life. University life offers almost similar benefits as a gap year. The only difference being that a skill is actually being honed and harnessed as the student learns about social skills and independence. More specialized skills are developed that could lead the student towards a highly lucrative career as opposed to learning to mix coffee and serve burgers during a "gap year".


- This is a concluding statement. You should not have introduced new ideas at this point. Just close the essay using a restated thesis, summarized prompts, and your point of view.

Undergraduate / The best day of my life. Virginia Tech Essay [5]


- Gum, you are assuming that everyone who reads your paper is highly religious and familiar with the missionary life, but what if the person who reads this essay is an atheist who does not believe in organized religion? He won't be very familiar with what a missionary is and what work you do. That is why it is always best to give an overview of your occupation whenever there is a possibility of confusion or perhaps the reader not knowing what a certain occupation is about although they are familiar with its general definition. For example, I know what a missionary is, but what makes a missionary different from a domestic missionary? Do you belong do a congregation outside the United States and you just came to the country to do missionary work like the Mormons do? After all, you mentioned a Pittsburgh office, so that means you are not in the area where your congregation originated from?

Explaining the kind of experience that you have had as a missionary will also help explain why you believe that this particular day is the best of all the days you have had doing missionary work. Compare your past missionary work with this particular day. That is one way of discussing this theme. As for alluding to the readers regarding this being your best day ever, I believe I have supplied you with some guidelines that can help you achieve that. I'll work with you for as long as needed to get this essay to where you want it to be. Just be patient with the revisions though :-) We may be in for a number of them ;-)

Writing Feedback / Talking about "gap-year" - traveling or working [6]

Adam, this essay requires a lot of revision time. I have made my suggestions below. I believe that the essay has room for improvement. That is what I would like you to do before we fix the grammar and sentence errors :-)

- Adam, you should not have stated your opinion on the topic in the 2nd paragraph. You know very well that the introductory statement includes the restated prompt, a brief discussion of the topic, and your point of view. So you have to go back and revise these two paragraphs. You can actually blend the information from these 2 statements into one paragraph. All you have to do is streamline the information it contains. I would like to see how you would combine the two paragraphs into one statement before I give you my take on it :-)

- I separated this from your thesis statement because this should become your first paragraph.

- Edit this paragraph and merge it into the above paragraph. These two are directly connected and should not be discussed as separate topics.

- Use your personal experience to justify your point of view. Making reference to these other sources only towards the end in order to reinforce your point of view.


- Don't present new ideas in your conclusion. Summarize the essay, provide the facts and close the statement. That is how you write a proper conclusion :-)

Undergraduate / The best day of my life. Virginia Tech Essay [5]

Gum, you forgot to tell us what kind of help you need :-) Do you need help in dealing with the prompt? Expanding the word content? I'm not exactly sure how I can be of help here. Having read the short paragraph you have written has given me some ideas about which sections you could extend though. So maybe giving me a heads up on the word count will help me guide you towards the expansion of your essay? Anyway, here's my take on your essay:


- Headquarters of what? Why were you meeting refugee children? What team were you a part of and what was your team tasked to do during the meeting with the children?


- As a what? I think you could explain a bit more about what your job is. Also, you need to clarify why you feared not being able to interact with the kids because of different backgrounds.


- Why was she flying higher and higher? What exactly were you doing with the kids?


- What exactly are the backgrounds of these children? Why do you say that they need your group?


- I think you need to develop a paragraph that explains how this became the best day ever for you (so far). Right now, it just seems like you were babysitting kids in a park.


- I suggest that you make this your introduction and work your way from there. This is actually the hook that your paper needs to keep the reader glued to the paper. It also helps us understand how the events of the day led to the best day of your life (so far).

I hope I was able to help. Once you give more detailed instructions, I will try to give you more detailed advice as well :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Temperature and Rainfall in Darwin and Kuala Lumpur (two tables) [7]

Like I said, the relaxed rules of the English language is reserved for the almost native to native speakers of the language. In this case, I suggest you stick to the rules you were taught regarding the verb tenses. So consider it present tense. This way, you know that you will have followed the guidelines set before you during the review period. Remember, there are no right or wrong answers in an essay. It is all left up to the interpretation of the reader. So just make sure that you answer the essay prompt in the best way that you understood it. Complete the task in the manner that you are used to. Don't take any chances while you are taking the exam. Stick to the rules in order to increase your chance of passing the test.

Be confident in what you know. You have prepared all this time to take the IELTS. Now is not the time to second guess yourself. There will be moments when logic and common sense will come in handy as you interpret the essay prompts. Until the need to use common sense arises though, it would be best for you to not test the waters Do what is expected and take great care in the way that you answer the essay portions.

Scholarship / Educational Achievements: review for a masters scholarship [3]

I have some notes for you regarding how to strengthen your essay. You need to add certain information and also clarify some points.The essay has problems regarding content and theme that you need to fix before we can address the grammar and sentence structure issues that also exist.


- Mention what the Radio Salus Competition was about and why it is relevant to your academic achievement. There is nothing in your introductory statement that presents your early interest in Journalism. If you were a part of the school paper or yearbook team, you should mention it here. So far, all of the information you mentioned does not connect in any way to the fact that you were admitted to the University of Rwanda as a Journalism student.


- Did you have any notable internships in college? Relevant volunteer experience? Mention it. Segue those bits of information into your editorial assistant position at Radio Isango Star.


- Share your purpose for enrolling in Digital Media specifically. Why that media? What makes it of particular interest to you? How do you hope City University can help you achieve those plans and goals? Don't talk about your double major if you are writing this paper specifically for the Journalism department.


-You made no mention of any samples of your leadership and teamwork abilities. If you are targeting a scholarship, you need to make mention of any and all abilities that can help enhance your application.

Truthfully, this sounds more like a college application essay rather than a scholarship application. Do you have any specific prompts from the scholarship foundation that can guide you in writing your paper? Perhaps something along the lines of what they expect from your as a scholar or what they are looking for in a scholar and how you plan to embody those ideals? Right now, this is more of a personal application essay to college than anything else. So we may need to revise the whole content based upon the prompt of the scholarship.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Temperature and Rainfall in Darwin and Kuala Lumpur (two tables) [7]

I appreciate your kind words SHanafi. I understand that the rules of the English language can also be confusing because of the seemingly strict intricacies of the rules. In reality though, the rules are not that strict and you will find that you can relax those rules in certain instances. The rules are only hard and unchangeable as you study grammar as an English student. Once you reach near native speaker level, the rules will begin to relax due to the more advanced language rules that will then include exceptions.


- Shanafi, by the way you wrote the essay and the fact that October and November have not occurred for us this year yet, it was quite obvious that you were referring to the chart of the past year. That is why I used the simple past tense to revise the sentence for you. In situations where the past is implied, it is alright to use the simple past tense. Looking at the chart, I saw that the months referred to the past year and not the current year.

I hope I was able to clear up the question in your mind. Feel free to ask me if you have any other concerns :-)

Scholarship / 'The days after that were bleak and insignificant' - ethical dilemma essay [3]

Hi gold, one of the things that I noticed with your personal essay is that is spends too much time discussing the death of your brother. The learning experience that you gained from it does not kick in until the last 2 paragraphs. Even though this is a biographical essay, it should continuously showcase the growth of your character through the tragedy that you experienced. For every negative or gloomy part of the story that you told, there needed be a lesson learned on your part that reflected the way the event helped shape your personal life and/or aspirations.

What I think you should do is reverse the format of the essay, bring the last two paragraphs up as your introduction and first body paragraph and then move the story of your brother down. Cut the story down to only the important learning elements in order to keep the reader engaged and interested in the development of your story. Make this all about your learning experience from the way you and your family had to recover from his disappearance from your lives. Don't linger too long on the sadness. The essay should still be upbeat with a message of hope and life going on for the best.

I hope my suggestions work for you. Consider them and use the ideas if you think it is something you want to try :-)

Undergraduate / 'I have always been self-reliant' - First Draft Undergrad CommonApp Personal Statement [2]

This is a wonderfully written personal statement. Your sentiments, thoughts, and emotions are perfectly represented within the paper. I caught a few grammatical errors that need to be addressed and some sections that I think we can delete in order to create a bigger impact on the reader and I will point those out below:


- As a toddler ,


- I dove into...


- no avail . There ...


- ... with the belief. ... the world .

Save for these few corrections, I would not change anything else in your essay. It is perfect in the sense that it engages all the senses of the reader, immersing us in your dark world going towards enlightenment :-)

Undergraduate / Imagine yourself in a tutorial at Williams. Of anyone in the world, whom would you choose.... [14]

I caught some sections that needed correcting. How did it affect your word count? Let me know if I need to help you bring it down to 400


- ... that will create a new scientific standard .



... be myself with. ..


- just as I would.


- Together, we would strive to develop... We would become unstoppable...

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Temperature and Rainfall in Darwin and Kuala Lumpur (two tables) [7]

Shanafi, I hope my suggestions work for you :-)


- ... there are four- months from ... May records show and identical number...


- The tables indicate that Darwin recorded moderate temperatures ranging from 32oC in ... with similar temperatures... November, Darwin recorded .. while the hottest period in Kuala Lumpur occurred between...


- Rainfall in Darwin showed... rates throughout the year were more volatile in fluctuation than in Kuala... The wet months occurred for 20 days early in the year, with no rainfall in July and August.... number of rainfall with Darwin in October and November , identifying a similar amount of rainfall in March as well .

Scholarship / "The Value of Time" - Questbridge Significant Experience Essay [4]

Jin, while baby sitting was something that obviously had an impact upon you, I do not see how this resulted in an achievement, risk, or ethical dilemma that you had to face and resolve. If you had spoken about your fledgling time management skills with regards to your baby sitting duties and your studies, then perhaps that would have shown an achievement on your part. In this case, the essay is speaking of the achievement of your nephew, that of standing on his own rather than being assisted.

You wrote this essay in terms of time, but you did not achieve any connection within the words that you used and the situation you described to explain any achievement, risk or dilemma that could relate to your realization of time. It would be best if you instead revised the content of the essay at this point. That is just my opinion and I will explain why I said that.

The baby sitting and study conflict is something that is very real for most students with siblings to care for after school. In your case, it makes it even worse because the child is not a sibling but a nephew who should not have been in your charge in the first place. He interrupted your studies and left you cursing as you played catch up with your studies. Surely you eventually learned how to balance caring for him and studying at the same time. So talk about that.

Learning to balance your time between your school duties and your duty to your family / nephew is something that you should consider a remarkable achievement for a person your age. It is something that you had to learn on your own as you did not have any family to support you during that time. So I suggest that you concentrate on that achievement instead.

If you want to try out my idea, know that I and the other forum volunteers are here to help you out as best as we can :-) So don't be afraid to revise your paper if you feel comfortable doing so ;-)

Undergraduate / Seizing the future! ~UC Freshman Prompt [2]


SeniorPeach, while I like the hook that you created by using the story that your mother was reading to you, I feel that it is irrelevant to the heart of the story, which is your first experience with Gran Mal Seizure and how you had to recover from it. I believe that this is a world that is unique to you because as the person suffering from the seizures, you alone can experience that world. So talk about it. Describe how it feels for you to have a seizure, explain how you are treating it and how you are not letting it defeat you. Take us along on the ride towards the realization that you were not going to let this illness beat you because you were not going to let yourself be beaten by it. Then show us how your overcame it.

That is the portion of the essay that you should concentrate in. That is what led to the shaping of your dreams and aspirations. Don't spend too much time talking about the fictional character from the book, he did very little to shape your dreams, aspirations, and attitude in life. Those were shaped by your illness and how you dealt with it. So use that strong foundation for this essay. I am sure it will be one great paper once you are done with it :-)

Writing Feedback / Have you ever wondered what that "Organically grown" sticker actually means when you have seen signs [3]

Khusel, while I commend your for your effort to practice your reading comprehension skills on your own, I cannot properly gauge what you understood of the article because you did not provide us with a copy of it. Kindly provide it so that we can get a better idea of what to look for in your writing. You can either cut and paste it here directly or give us the non-hyperlinked url as a source.

Your paper is flawed in many ways. Capitalization issues abound and improper use of terms are just some of the problems plaguing your paper. I strongly recommend that you revise the paper and make sure that it delivers the necessary elements of a comprehension paper. That includes a short summary of the content and important information along with your understanding of the topic being reported.

Just a word of advice, Ghostly, means supernatural spirits, Ghastly, means something horrific or offensive. I am sure you did not mean to use Ghostly in that sentence, neither did you mean to capitalize its use in the middle of a sentence :-) Also, "but" is never used to open a sentence. In addition, a new sentence or paragraph always begins with a capital letter for the first word.

Writing Feedback / Housing shortage in big cities can cause severe social consequences [2]

William, some suggestions for better paragraph construction and comments regarding your content are listed below. I hope you find it helpful :-)


- With an increasing number of... the housing shortage in the metropolis... people suggest that the housing problem solutionis solely the government's responsibility .I believe that there is merit to this claim for a number of reasons that I will be discussing below.

- This makes it very clear that only your opinion and no other will be discussed in the paper.


- The government is in charge of city planning. Therefore, they have the power to demolish old building in favor of constructing new residential buildings s or re-purpose abandoned government owned buildings for purposes of providing housing and shelter to those who need it. The city council has been empowered to implement housing plans in their area that will encourage some homeless people to move there because of the government allowance offered for them to start their lives in a a new place.


- As tax paying people we should demand that the government provide for us using the funds we helped finance. It is the job of the government to take care of us when we are down on our luck financially. This means providing us with shelter when we cannot afford to rent or buy our own. It is the government's responsibility to provide residential assistance to the people of the city by providing public accommodations or financial aid whenever possible.

- The government cannot and should not intervene in the free market housing projects / private residential developers. Don't use this argument. Your first two are strong and compelling enough to stand on its own in the paper.


- Based upon my aforementioned reasons ranging from the power of the government to manipulate building use and their responsibility to the people based upon taxes collected, it becomes very clear that the government truly has the sole power and responsibility when it comes to addressing and solving the housing shortage in the metropolis.

Writing Feedback / The benefits of nuclear technology far outweigh the disadvantages. Do you agree or disagree? [8]

William, when you write an opinion paper essay, yo will normally need5paragraphs due to the following reasons:

1. 1st paragraph - introduction with thesis statement and personal point of view.

2. 2nd paragraph - argue an opposing argument with evidence;

3. 3rd paragraph - present a supporting argument with evidence;

4. 4th paragraph - present your point of view using personal experience, knowledge, or reading material;

5. Conclusion - covering the restated thesis, summary of facts, and repetition of your personal opinion.

So you need to present your point of view clearly by stating something along the lines of "Having presented this commonly known facts and theories about nuclear energy, I would now like to discuss the personal reasons I have for supporting nuclear energy." You can then state your agreement with the arguments by adding your own thoughts on the matter.

I hope this clarifies the basic point of view essay format for you :-) Feel free to ask follow up questions. I will answer whenever I can :-)

Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

Jang, I will be commenting on some of your content. I hope you won't mind if I combine some paragraphs that can be combined to bring down the word count and create a tighter essay for you.


- I believe that you can request to have a thread deleted once you have finished the discussion in it. I think you need to contact the support staff of the forum to find out how to get the thread deleted.

- In 2007, my father took a gambler's risk in the stock market and lost everything we had. The house, the money, everything was gone in the blink of an eye. I became very angry at him for gambling away my future as a foreign exchange student in the United States upon my graduation. He had stamped out all of my hopes at a bright and better future for our family and myself. But rather than rebelling against what happened, after all there was nothing more I could do about it, I decided to be the responsible daughter instead. Showing my parents empathy instead of hate, helping to diffuse explosive situations between my parents whenever possible. I learned that it was important to appreciate what simple things my family could provide. We had a strong love for one another that kept us together and intact, growing stronger bonds because of the crisis.

- Just when I thought I could not rely on my father for anything, he showed me a different side to himself when he decided to gamble again. This time on my future. Despite the financial problems we still faced, he knew that I needed to go to the United States if I were to have a shot at achieving the future he could no longer provide.

- Now you should talk about how you took your father's trust in you and developed into an even more responsible person once you were on your own in the U.S. Talk about your challenges here and how you overcame them. Highlight the fact that each challenge helped you become more mature in outlook and decision making. Those are important factors in the essay. We can work on polishing it later on.

- Do not discuss your brother in this essay. We are not talking about him. We are talking about your transformation to maturity upon your arrival in the United States. I am assuming you are already there right? Instead, I want you to discuss the way that you want to go onto higher education but your family is still in a financial crisis with a younger sibling still in school. Talk about how you are trying to not burden them further financially by doing what you can to afford your educational expenses on your own. I believe that will be the best way to end this essay. It will be an indirect way of requesting to be considered for a scholarship, should you decide to apply for one.

If I missed anything, I am sure it will show up in version 103 :-) These are all I spotted and thought about for now.

Scholarship / "Intellectual excitement" and "Meaningful commitment" short answers [3]

Your first essay is an excellent example of your work ethic and sense of teamwork. It is highly admirable that you were able to translate your commitment to your orchestra and craft within the allotted word count. You even have 7 letters to spare :-) I am wondering though, if this activity could somehow be related to the major you are applying to? The more closely you can align your answers to the major you hope to be accepted in, the better it would be for you :-)


- The reason I would like you to skip directly to the questions you are asking is because the questions are the concepts that you find yourself questioning. After you present your questions, you can then discuss how these questions led you to your love of biology and a desire to learn more about the human body and all living things. By doing so, you will be able to present a solid idea as to how your past interests led you to this chosen major.

Writing Feedback / Parental influence and teenagers pressure to go into certain career paths [4]

Ominous, I believe that you chose the wrong topic for your thesis. It will be difficult to prove that language has a direct impact upon the career choices of students and teens because the primary influence that they get from their parents and other role models is through their actions, not their language. Going with them to the office, being exposed to the work, the kids are first exposed to the actions because they do not understand what is going on even if they hear the words being spoken. So language is not the biggest influence in career choices for these kids.

Here is what I would suggest that you do. Take the thesis that your professor gave you and Google it. Look up the related topics as the search comes up and then choose your topic based upon the availability of the resource materials to you. I typed it in myself and I found a number of topics that I am sure you can choose from once you see it. Right now, the topic that you chose is not only vague, but the resource materials for it as so scarce that even a Google search does not turn up anything relating to language and career choices in teens. What it does turn up though are family and gender influence suggestions. That is why I told you that I believe you should reconsider your thesis topic :-) I hope I was able to help you out even a little bit.

Graduate / 'flexibility and versatility of the profession' - Entrance essay for physician assistant program. [2]

Swillis, this is a very touching narrative essay about the development of your desire to become a physician assistant. However, without knowing what the personal essay prompt truly is, we will be unable to properly assist you. So we hope that you can post that information in this thread soon. That said, I would like to offer some comments about your essay based upon the existing information.

There must have been a compelling buildup of reasons for you to have decided to enter the physician assistant program. You should make mention of these in your essay. I am not sure if your original prompt requires it but I believe that the essay could use some information about your exposure to the rural settings and how that affected your desire to move from a Medical Assistant position to something higher. You need to discuss yourself on a more personal level. While this story is good, you need to develop the events leading up to this realization for you.

Information such as an introduction to your early beginnings and influences in the medical field, your Medical Assistant studies and exposure to patients, and even the way that you helped your own relatives their time of medical need will help to build up the scenario in the hospital room that you described. It is always best to give a backgrounder on yourself and what you will be discussing prior to launching into the tale that you told. After all, this is a personal essay, not a novel. So the rules of writing it are different. Although a little creativity, such as in your case, does not hurt :-)

Writing Feedback / Studying at traditional schools, an individual can gain social skills as well as science information [4]

Sahar, don't be afraid to come by anytime with your essays :-) We look forward to helping you become more at home and proficient in essay writing over the coming days. weeks and months. Remember, practice makes perfect. It won't hurt if you also brush up on current events and pop culture depending upon whether you are practicing for the TOEFL or IELTS.

All of us had writing problems when we first started. It took us a great deal of time to overcome our problems and I am sure that over time, we will also see a marked improvement in your writing skills. Don't lose heart. No matter how hard it is for you to be writing now, you will find that it will get easier over the coming days. The practice tests are very important and you should take it seriously. Paired with advice coming from the members of this forum, you should have a pretty solid support group that will help you gain confidence in your writing skills as your exam date nears :-) Just learn to always take our suggestions and comments constructively because we all want to see you succeed once you take the test :-)

Writing Feedback / Parental influence and teenagers pressure to go into certain career paths [4]

Ominous, I am a bit confused as to how you really plan to discuss your thesis. You have two opposing thesis stated here The first one indicates:


Then in a later paragraph you said:


Which is your real thesis topic? Language seems to far fetched in terms of influencing career paths in the youth. So I am assuming it is the second prompt that is correct? You need to finalize your prompt so that we can help you develop the essay outline. At this point, I have some ideas regarding both prompts that I cannot suggest because I di not want to confuse you. You need to make up your mind about your thesis first. The rest of the content will follow after you have done that.

Writing Feedback / 'health is a primary need' - alternative forms of medicine [8]

Wirawiri, let's see if my additional comments and instructions will help clean up your essay even further :-)


- This is better. But it still lacks the restated prompt. You need to state the prompt at the very start of the paragraph.


-... non-educated societies and where people...


This is a separate topic that should be discussed in a separate paragraph. Develop this sentence because this is a key reason for the popularity of alternative medicines.


-... unquestionable. P eople will...


- This is an unnecessary paragraph. You should immediately jump to your conclusion in order to preserve the impact of your essay.


-People will not think... just want to get good health... and dangerous methods ... bad effects of alternative medicine.... more careful when choosing alternative forms of medicine. Real Medicine should still be the first choice for appropriate healthcare, so just let the professional doctors handle it.

Writing Feedback / Imitation and knowledge stage; childhood - the most significant time in an individual's life (toefl) [8]


- Why do some people think that childhood is a crucial state? Childhood is the first stage of what? As an introduction this is very weak and confusing. It has hanging sentences and does not really convey a complete thought nor your opinion on the topic. I suggest that you revise your introduction in order to clean it up. Restate the prompt, create a thesis statement and then give your opinion. That way the reader will have an idea of the flow of discussion that will take place in the essay.


- When considered as supporting facts for your stand on the issue, it seems that you wish to concentrate on the learning experience that a child experiences in child hood. You need to dig deeper and give examples of the learning that takes place during this time. Don't forget to mention at what age learning begins for a child in order to create a solid foundation for your supporting statements.


- This is a good conclusion. However, due to the shaky first and second paragraphs, the effect of your conclusion is lessened.

It is important that you revise your paper based upon my suggestions above. While this is an excellent effort, it is a long way from being coherent and grammatically correct. That is something that can only be corrected once you have created a solid foundation for your paper based upon the content. If I correct the grammatical errors now, it may not be of help to you because of the forthcoming revision.

Undergraduate / Imagine yourself in a tutorial at Williams. Of anyone in the world, whom would you choose.... [14]


I cannot give you a definitive answer in regard to that question. You see, I can only help you construct the essay based upon the prompt that you provided. We have made it the best that it can be, but, that does not mean that it meets all the unspoken or unwritten requirements of the admissions officer. All application essays come with risks. All you can do at this point is review the essay based upon what you know of the requirements of the university and try to ensure that you have met all the qualifications as best as you can.

Will the admissions officer consider this the perfect application? Maybe. Nobody can really be sure. You need to have faith in your written work. Know that you have done your best to represent yourself and your interests as best as you can. The admissions officer knows how to spot and honestly written essay and will give it great thought and consideration. Take the chance and submit this essay. AFTER you have reviewed it one more time. If you feel a strong sense of confidence in your work, then turn it in for consideration.

I wish you the best with your application :-)

Writing Feedback / These days, most of universities have many subjects for male or female only [3]

Yulis, what is the complete prompt for this essay? It will be easier to review the essay if we knew what the specific requirements are. Anyway, I can tell that you have a very strong opinion on the matter so I will be reviewing the essay from that angle.

Let me just say that if not for some grammar weaknesses on your part, you will have built a very strong essay based upon your experience with co-ed education in your country. That said, I will do my best to help you correct the grammar and I hope that I am able to keep the essence of what you want to say as well.


- While it is nice to read your opinion on the matter so early in the essay, you needed to rephrase or restate the prompt first. You know the basic rule of essay writing, always restate the prompt. Without it, your reader will not really know why you are discussing a certain matter in the essay. Your thoughts seem to be getting lost in translation as well so let me try to give you a hand with this.

- I agree that universities should open up their subjects to an equal number of male and female students because the increased number of enrolled students will mean that students will be enrolling in subjects that truly interest them. Removing the limitation on the number of students or gender of the students that can enroll in a certain class will level the professional field for all future workers.


- Yulis, you seem to have misunderstood the prompt at this point. You are not being asked to discuss the limitations on enrollment in certain classes because of gender. The basis for the essay is that the schools allow both genders to enroll in the same classes. It is just that there are more men or women enrolled per class. So the discussion is whether the university should encourage an equal number of students to enroll per class. It has nothing to do with gender limitations pertaining to the classes.It would be best for you to rethink this part and form a new opinion or supporting paragraph for it.


- Again, this is not about gender limitation or discrimination. This is about increasing the rate of enrollment in universities by encouraging an equal number of male and female students to enroll for classes. What benefits can be had from that? Why is it important to encourage an equal number of male and female students per class? Those are the evidences that you should be presenting.


- Why are you introducing a new idea in your conclusion? You know that is against the conclusion writing rules of the essays. Just restate the prompt, repeat your opinion, and summarize the facts.

Undergraduate / 'emulate every aspect of my mother' - UC Personal Statement: the world I come from [6]

msi, the main problem we are facing here is that you are making your mother the focal point of your essay. You are totally missing the most important requirement of the prompt which is ;


You spoke of the world that your mother lived in. Not the world you lived in. If it is the darkness of your mother's anxiety attack that you want to concentrate on as the theme of this essay then you must relate that directly to your development as a person. Here are some guide questions that could help you develop the proper content for this paper, concentrating on you and your development as a person.

1. When you mother used to have attacks a child, what did you think was happening to her? Remember, you did not know she was having an anxiety attack yet.

2. What was your relationship with your mother like because of these attacks? Did you fear her? Love her? Pity her?
3. What could you do as a child to help your mother?
4. When he illness finally got a name, anxiety attacks, how did you feel?
5. How did you react to the diagnosis?
6. What adjustments did you have to make in your life so you could assist your mother?
7. If this event in your life is related to your choice of majors, you should relate this experience with the choice you made at this point.

8. What did you learn about yourself throughout this whole ordeal?
9. Looking back on everything that happened, how do you think those experiences helped to shape the person you have become?

I am trying to help you make this essay all about you while using your mother as an integral part of your development. Let's see if answering these questions in essay form will help you get closer to the prompt requirement :-)

Undergraduate / Imagine yourself in a tutorial at Williams. Of anyone in the world, whom would you choose.... [14]

Let me just help you clean up this last part of the essay and it will be good to go :-)

- Tesla and I thrive on challenges. If we didn't , we would not be students of science. That said, we would thrive on our friendly competition and continuously challenge each other to achieve higher, bigger, and better things in the scientific field. We will learn from each other because we will constantly share our triumphs and failures with one another, learning from and helping each other every step of the way. We will have a friendship and partnership that will exist long after our graduation. Even if we begin to create new individual professional networks in our field of work, we will always be available to help and lean on each other when needed because of our deeply rooted friendship.Regardless of our future achievements, we would always be, first and foremost, friends and then colleagues.

How does that my version of the closing statement sound to you? Feel free to use any part or all of it if you wish to :-)

Undergraduate / 'emulate every aspect of my mother' - UC Personal Statement: the world I come from [6]

You are right that you centered too much on your mother. I was however, able to find a specific paragraph that we can use to describe the world that you came from that still includes the influence of your mother but not in a very major way. I have quoted the passage below:


You need to reword this portion to become the whole essay. Explain how your mother was the only relative you have always had and that you spent your time with her at the market. Then explain about how your exposure to the market with your mother exposed you to dirty marketing tactics and how you the reality that you cannot trust all people to treat you fairly and how that experience has been with you all your life.Explain how it affected your mindset and other aspects of your life as you were growing. Helping to shape and mold the person that you have become. Do you think you can work with this suggestion? I am sure we can strengthen it further once you make a new rough draft. Just make sure you have enough material to work with in case we need to add information to your paper :-)

Writing Feedback / Being a celebrity surely has some benefits but it also puts their lives in danger or other troubles [3]

jagsparrow, your ideas are good, it just needs to be expressed in a better way. I made some suggestions regarding those problems below for your consideration :-)

- Celebrities have... They make obscene amounts of money through product endorsements, their own line of products, and their professional work as actors, athletes, businessmen, and the like. They are paid millions of dollars because of who they are and what they represent, the luxurious life. They translate their endorsements and the money they earn into their enviable lifestyle that brings them seemingly unending happiness and contentment. That is where the problems for them also lies.

- Your first statement should be only contradicted in your second statement. That is your opposing view. Remember, money is what makes them happy, so money is also what will bring them more problems and eventual unhappiness. I am making a suggestion for the proper follow up statement below:

- Celebrities have also been known to spend money as fast as they can earn it because of their extremely expensive lifestyles. So they do not always have money saved up for the day when their career wanes and nobody wants them for their movies or endorsements anymore. They go back to being a nobody with nothing to show for all their hard word. This becomes a problem for them as they begin to deal with real life problems such as debt management and lack of insurance or savings.

Then you can conclude the essay this way:

Celebrities live the lifestyle we can only dream of. But they also have the problems we would never want to have when the ride is over for them. It is for the aforementioned reasons that I believe that being a celebrity has equal benefits and problems for the person.

Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]


Jang, owing to the experiences that you have had in life, I would rather that you discuss this essay using this particular prompt. As I mentioned before, your family going into bankruptcy will definitely fall within the parameters of this essay. Using this prompt, we will be able to develop your character traits fully and also show other facets of your personality that will help to define your identity.

We can use all the aspects you presented previously in discussing this essay. Everything from your having to put your semester abroad on hold to your finally making it abroad as a student, your brother's desire to do the same, and your desire to give back. Most importantly, we will be able to show how you helped your family out during this crisis and the lessons that you learned from this very low point in your life.

Don't be afraid to open up in this essay. This is about your journey from being a child to an adult because of the life situation you found yourself in. Try to write less about your family and more about your reaction to the situation and what you did to help the family. If you were angry, talk about it. If you then felt you needed to help, explain why. Then tell us what you did to help. How did you feel after that?

Those are just some guide questions I can offer you to help you discuss this prompt in the proper manner. I'm looking forward to your 102nd draft :-)

Writing Feedback / The benefits of nuclear technology far outweigh the disadvantages. Do you agree or disagree? [8]

William, some notes for you to consider :-)


- ... I have to agree with the statement that the advantages of nuclear technology far outweigh its disadvantages. This paper will look into the pros and cons of nuclear technology while also providing my own reasons supporting my point of view.

[quote=william731]Your discussion about the nuclear power plant is also good but could have been further strengthened by an explanation as to why Japan continues to use nuclear power even after their nuclear accidents.

I reached the end of your essay and I did not read your opinion on the matter. Where is it? You need to present your opinion because it is a requirement of the prompt. Please do that so that we can better review the content of your paper :-)

Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

Your teacher said that because you spoke too much about the challenges your parents went through and then included your brother's own quest for education at the end. So it did not really concentrate solely on your development as a person. That is why I told you that you need to write this as a coming of age essay based upon an economic challenge that your family faced. We need to focus the essay on you and what you did during this time. I am sure you had to so some things to help the family survive during this time. Discuss it. Tell us the lessons that you learned from the experience. This is what shows us your personality, character traits, and development or transition, from child to adult. By doing so, we will get a clearer idea of who you are today.

Your identity is who you are as a person apart from your family, friends, and colleagues. This is the person you became because of your experiences and circumstances in life. An identity is something that tells people who you are after having spent time with you. It is this identity that is the most difficult to put on paper unless you have the proper school prompt in front of you. The identity that you will present to the school actually depends upon what they want to know about you. Since you will be using this essay for 2 schools, I assume that the prompt we are using to create the essay for you are the prompts from the schools? If not, you will need to get the prompts in order to deliver what they need from you.

Undergraduate / I am many things and Black is one of them - Personal Statement for UT Austin; Essay A [3]

Texasbreed, I once heard these words spoken on a television program "I want my family to be black, not blackish." That is exactly how I felt reading your paper. That is the image that I saw of you in my mind, you are black, but you are mostly white owing to your experiences in life. So, my suggestion would be to use the quote I mentioned earlier as the basis for your personal statement with regards to your majoring in African American Studies.

Let's face it, you were a black person in a white school. So that alone sets up the stage for a very emotional and compelling awakening for you. You were caught in a world that was neither black or white. You acted white and were bullied for it. You acted black but did not understand what it meant to be black. So you are one of the lost generation, You need to discuss this essay from that point of view.

Explain how majoring in African American Studies after being caught in a racial limbo will finally help you understand where you came from and will help you understand where you are headed in the future. It is important that the admission officer understand and feel the importance of this major to you by connecting your life story to your choice of majors.

Right off the bat you should let the reader know that this all about connecting with a culture that you should have known as a child but to this very day understand very little about. This will be unique aspect of your personal and academic background that relate to your chosen major. I believe that by doing this, you will be able to strengthen the statement and deliver the emotional and personal connection that it needs with your major.

Scholarship / 'I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth' - SEMESTER AT SEA PRESIDENTIAL SCHOLARSHIP [5]

Your uncle's version is much more direct to the point and in line with the prompt. He answered the question about your personal traits that you would like to develop in order to become an effective leader. I believe that you should submit his essay instead because of the way that is speaks highly about the character traits that a leader should have and that you would like to have an develop in order to become a future leader yourself.

I can however, understand if you feel that you uncle's version is not in the tone of voice that you would write the essay in. So here is what I suggest. Rewrite what your uncle said. That way you will be able to use his thoughts but your voice in the essay. Try to see how you can use his words to enhance what you have to say. Say everything in your own way though. Just use his version as the basis for content. By doing this, you will have solved the problem of content and portraying your voice in the essay.

Try it out and see if it works for you. If you have any doubts about your version, based upon your uncle's writing, you know we are all here to help you out :-)

Writing Feedback / Educational Inequality Essay - UT Austin Essay E [4]

Your essay, while based on a very solid and relevant topic, just has a disconnected feel to it. It is almost as if you took a textbook source and decided to base your whole essay around that. I did not get any sense of your connection to the topic you chose to discuss on a personal level. It is superficial in the sense that you cite too much of other people's point of view, textbook data, and other people's experiences but not the main reason why you feel that this is something close to your heart and of great importance to you.

Throughout the essay you constantly speak of how lucky you are to have received this and that and you realized this and that but you never once said you wanted to do something about it and how you would do it. That would show the importance of the topic you are discussing to you. Perhaps it is because you chose to speak of educational inequality when you did not actually experience it. You said so yourself, you went to one of the best schools in the state. You never had to actually spend a year or two in the public educational system that those underprivileged kids had to attend. So you are talking about everything from a distanced point of view. This is why your essay lacks a personal connection to the topic. The content of the essay is much too wordy but does not really deliver the kind of impact that it should. You speak about your mother being an educator but you did not tell us if you learned anything about educational inequality from her.

What I am trying to tell you is this. You need to write the essay based upon personal experience. Your advocacy in life is what is important to you. What is that advocacy? Reflect upon your volunteer activities or any other extra curricular stuff that you do that is not related to school work but is very important to you. Once you figure out what that is and you write it down, you will then be able to create an essay that reflects your thoughts on a topic that is truly important to you. Only then will you be able to write about a topic that is of great importance to you, your family, your community, or your generation.

I know that this is not the advice that you want to hear but I wanted to tell you about it just in case you are open to considering changing the topic of your essay. It's just a suggestion, the final decision is of course, yours to make :-)

Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

Jang, you actually have some very good themes going on in this essay. I can see the lessons you learned from resiliency, patience, ambition, and paying back a debt of gratitude. They all combined to create a very interesting tale of growing up and learning to take charge of your life. So I suggest that you revise the essay to reflect that as the main point. Let us know that this will be a coming of age story that is many years in the making.

Start with the lessons you learned when your family went bankrupt. Then having to rebuild your lives and putting your dream of coming to America for studies on hold. But don't make this part too long, Keep it short because we still need to tell the reader that you eventually got your dream thanks to your father. Then discuss the lessons you learned in America and how it helped shape your point of view about life, family, ambition, etc.

Now we come to the heavy stuff. Having to face the reality that your ambition to attend college in the United States will not come true unless you make it happen for yourself. This is the time to show how you have matured as a person by discussing how you put your brother ahead this time but resolved not to put your dreams on hold either. Explain the new found maturity this current situation has given you and how you know that you are ready for anything else the world decides to throw at you in terms of obstacles.

I am sure that you will find a way to rework your above essay into the format that I suggest. Just consider it and look it over as a second version. You can decide which one you prefer to use :-)