Writing Feedback / IELTS- Should experiments on animals be banned? [2]

When dealing with an essay topic this complex, research is your best friend Sam. This essay suffers from a lack of credibility because of the lack of authoritative sources and simplistic arguments that you present. I have made some suggestions below that I hope will help you to improve the content of this essay.

- Your introduction is incomplete. You should have presented all the sides of the issue that will be discussed along with the thesis and your point of view. In this format, only your point of view is being read which, as we know, does not follow the I-B-C rules of essay writing.

- Are you arguing this as your point of view or are you just mentioning one side of the discussion? Can you present supporting evidence to justify the claims made in this paragraph? How sure are you that these experiments can prevent death? The discussion is weak due to lack of supporting evidence.

- Strengthen this argument by presenting evidence from animals rights organizations such as PETA and ASPCA. Right now, these are claims that do not carry any weight due to lack of information.


- Why do you think that it is essential to use animal testing? Your justification is very weak. You need to do additional research in order to give this paper any semblance of integrity and authority.

Undergraduate / Body Twist - extracurricular activity under 75 words - Bryn Mawr essays [4]

Jojo, might I suggest another way of stating the activity? See my version below. I hope it works for you. It is exactly 75 words :-) I believe this is a more streamlined version of what you were trying to say.

- I twisted my body a-hundred-eighty degrees the music blared. The other dancers and I rushed to the front and gyrated in strange movements known in Japanese dance as Yosakoi. My hands were all over the place clapping, throwing fists,feet stomping. The New Zealanders looked on in puzzlement. After our performance, an old lady came up to me, she whispered, "Great job! I kept looking at you!" I smiled. Her comment made our sweaty rehearsals worthwhile.

Writing Feedback / Honesty is always the most important consideration in any relationship - statement essay [9]


- I am not really sure what the relevance of yes and no is to the thesis. Rather, you should have opened with a discussion about how our parents are disappointed or angry with us the minute they discover that we have learned how to lie and be dishonest with them. That would be more in line with the prompt.


- I agree with Vns, the essay will benefit greatly from the use of examples. Hopefully you can use examples that come from your personal experience or the experience of people close to you. Explain the repercussions of dishonesty in such instances, even if it was done with good intentions in mind.


- This is a very weak conclusion. It is almost as weak as your introduction. You need to strengthen your earlier arguments in order to create a solid conclusion for this essay.

Adam, I hate to say this but this is one of your weakest essays. It needs a lot of work content-wise before it can even be ready for a preliminary grammar clean up :-(

Writing Feedback / Talking about "gap-year" - traveling or working [6]


- Adam, like I said above, you presented 2 new ideas in your concluding statement. Therefore, your last paragraph cannot officially be considered a closing statement. I am suggesting that you write 2 more paragraphs with a each paragraph dedicated to the 2 new ideas that you presented. Develop and discuss each topic fully within their their respective paragraphs and then write a new concluding statement to close the essay with. After you do that, you can write a new conclusion covering the rephrased thesis, summary of facts, and your personal opinion.

When you have completed the instructions I gave you, we can review your essay again and work on other corrections or the polishing of the paper :-)

Undergraduate / Little People & Little Things - QuestBridge Essay [3]

Linda, I really like the way you presented the part of the essay about your cousin and his experience with the Hanoi hospital. In fact, I believe that you should make that the introduction paragraph of the essay. It is a very effective hook that will keep te reader interested in fi in out the rest ofnyour story. The first part you have now abiutbyour birth and the traditional upbringing you had is just too boring and commonn for essays like these.

Having said that, I also believe that you should make more mention of how you had to overcome your own obstacles in the States. It is just underdeveloped because you left the explanation at the thought of your cousin was the only reason you survived. Surely there were other strong factors that helped over that hurdle. Those are worth mentioning here because it shows the development of your dreams and aspirations, along with your academic growth which did not reforge much attention in your essay but is an important part of the prompt. Accomplish that and then the grammar issues of the paper can then be corrected :-)

Scholarship / 'Challenges are always there to attack your weakest spots' - questbridge Biographical Essay [3]

lannn, while you wrote a highly comprehensive essay about your life, I feel that for this biographical essay, there is too much going on within the essay so that the information contained becomes overwhelming. Making the reader wonder as to how these all connect to your development as a person and the formation of your dreams and aspirations. I would like to suggest that you cut down on the content of the paper, concentrating on only one focal point, one, two, or three connected life changing events that could highlight this development. I am suggesting that your center the paper on the death of your father, remarriage of your mother, and the eventual coming to America.

The reason I want you to do this is simple, it was during these events in your life that you actually began to develop as a person, creating your dreams and aspirations based upon the needs of those around you and your own ideas of how to best achieve those expectations. It will show your strength as a person and your ability to form ambitions and aspirations even when faced with adversity. Don't concentrate too much on what happened to your mother or your relatives. Not even your living conditions, think about you in this instance. How did you feel? How did you react? What did you expect of yourself? Why were you held back from achieving your full potential? How did these struggles help you develop dreams and ambitions for yourself? Don't you think that would make for interesting reading in your essay?

You have all the life experiences to make that kind of portrayal work on paper, we will just need to work on connecting the factors and building a solid foundation that will be enhanced by the person you finally became. In fact, this is made very evident by the conclusion that you used. There are some grammar and sentence structure errors to be addressed in that part but I would keep it because of the strong conclusion is makes for your biography.

The overall paper does need some grammar work and corrections, but we can only address those once you perfect the theme and content of the paper :-) So don't worry about those for now. Let's clean up the theme first.

Scholarship / "The Value of Time" - Questbridge Significant Experience Essay [4]


Jin, essays often pass through a minimum of 3 revisions before you even begin to hit upon the essence of what you want to say or present. So go ahead and keep the two paragraphs in its original form. We can only advice you about how to write the essay. We can't do anything about the content. That is something that you choose for yourself. As you revise the content of the essay, you will be able to tell if you will be able to keep the first 2 paragraphs, need to adjust the content, or simply delete it. What happens to those paragraphs depends upon the corrections that you will make to the later paragraphs. If it fits the flow of the paper, then keep it. If it does not, you know that you have to adjust those paragraphs to make it fit. If you can't make it work, then don't force it.

Don't be afraid to post your revised versions here for our comment and advice. It doesn't matter if you make 200 versions of the same essay, we will always be happy to help you achieve the kind of essay that you can be proud of. You must be commended for the time and concentration you are applying to this essay. Trust me, you will know when something fits the theme of the paper or does not. You will know what to delete, change, or keep by instinct :-)

Scholarship / Immigration has a cost----Questbridge Essay [5]

Coming in with a word count of 425, I believe that you have done very well with this essay in terms of keeping within the word limit. Content wise though, there is some work to be done before the essay can be considered acceptable. I have some suggestions that can help you achieve that listed below:


- Does it address the topic? Not sufficiently enough. Is it organized and well understood? Yes. The main problem with your essay is that you discussed all of the hardships and future problems that you will be having without fully addressing any solutions that you achieved personally. You talk too much about so many topics that they all remain under developed in the discussion.

So here is a piece of advice, choose one obstacle that you had to overcome when you came to America and then center your essay around how you overcame that obstacle. That will be the achievement that the essay is asking you to discuss. You mentioned at least 2 obstacles that are of interest to the reader, pick the one that you think is the strongest and develop it.

Whatever happens, do not discuss your future problems. That has no bearing on your present or past situation in the country. The interest of the essay is on your past experiences or current experience that you are faced with. Do not be afraid to go into great detail about how you overcame the problem. It is necessary in order to deliver the required lesson learned on your part for the essay.

Writing Feedback / If I had one hour to visit a famous person, I would say that person will be Genghis Khan [2]

You need better reasons than what you chose to state. If you had an hour to spend with that person, wouldn't you want to spend it getting to know the person? Asking them about important questions that you feel history books forgot to include in the telling of his saga? Perhaps you have some commonalities with Genghis Khan that you would like to develop in yourself. You did say that you once wanted to be like him right? So I think talking to him about his personality and how he thinks he developed into the person and historical figure that he became would help you get a clearer understanding of the person behind the myth.

Now about his military strategy, I understand that he was known as a brilliant strategist. How would discussing his strategy help you as a person? Or are you just a military aficionado who likes discussing wartime scenarios? Is there a particular battle of his that would become the focal point of your discussion with him? Why did you choose that battle in particular?

The questions I have provided for you to answer above will help you align your answers to the prompt and help explain why you would like to meet this person in particular. I hope that i was able to help you develop your answers. Good luck practicing your speech :-) I know you can do this ;-)

Undergraduate / 'I signed up to volunteer for the Special Olympics' - Common App Essay [2]


- This portion of the essay prompt clearly indicates that the place must be somewhere that you frequent and continuously feel the sense of contentment in. The Special Olympics is a one time event and although I can understand your feelings, I do not believe it accurately answers the prompt. The place has to be somewhere that you are hihgly familiar with, do something regularly in, or just simply, like being there. Places like your house, your bedroom, the park, the coffee shop, library, amusement park, video arcade, your grandparents place, are some areas I can suggest for your consideration.

The place you choose has to relate to the way that you are able to reflect upon life and its complications. Somewhere you can clear your thoughts and just relax, without worries or stress. You can just bask in the place and feel content with everything going around you. Surely there is a place in your life where you often feel this way. It could even be something as abstract as the loving embrace of a person or the smile of friend.

While the Special Olympics is a good occasion to choose, it does not carry the kind of emotional connection that this kind of statement requires. I am suggesting that you reconsider the paper and try to find another place to use for the paper. It will be very good for your application if you do so.

Undergraduate / Autobiography of myself as a reader - Syracuse University Common App [3]

Talk about a highly entertaining read. This is quite well developed for an essay based solely upon your development as a reader. However, I found myself wondering as to what your foundation was when you started reading. The influences of earlier authors that you read and the simplicity or complexity of those stories would have contributed greatly to the lack of interest and confusion that you felt when you read Wicked. So perhaps an introduction to that aspect of your biography is necessary at the start. It is something that gives us an idea of where you started and how far you have come as a reader.

I would have also liked to have learned more about why yo decided to stop reading the book instead of challenging yourself to overcome the obstacles that you faced the first time you read Wicked. I mean, these were challenges that a voracious reader would have sought to overcome, yet you did the opposite. Why is that? An analysis of why you feel that you had matured as a reader the second time you picked up the book is also in order. What books did you read in between the time you stopped reading Wicked and then picking it up again? How did those books influence you when you finally opened the book again? All of these elements are part and parcel of your autobiography as a reader. I suggest that you try to figure out how to include these important elements in your paper.

Don't be afraid to ask for help. We will be more than happy to help you improve this paper to the point where you will be able to say that it is the perfect paper for you. Not that it isn't perfect now. It's just that there is room for more perfection :-)

Letters / Director's admission letter to an International student> [7]

- Could you somehow connect this trait of Med's to some strong aspect or requirement for a person pursuing his degree? It is always best to make a connection between the person and his ability to perfectly perform what is expected of him as a student of his major and eventually, in the performance of his duties.


- His wisdom and foresight ...

- Suggested method of discussing this event; His wisdom and foresight has helped him resolve many issues within the community that our organization assists. One of these events sticks out particularly for me because it showed his wisdom, foresight, and ability to be a negotiator as early as the age of fifteen. He brought an end to the school aged violence caused regionalism of the students whom we were tutoring in Tunisia by having them sit down for a meeting. It was at this meeting where he explained to all the parties concerned about what makes us all Tunisian, regardless of our skin color, race, or ethnicity. He encouraged them not to use bullets but instead learn to discuss and compromise. He handled the meeting with such initiative and confidence that I knew I was talking to a born leader and I have yet to come across another young member of our organization who can rival him on those terms.

There is an overall improvement in the letter in terms of content. I have given you some advice as to how to best present his leadership abilities above.

Undergraduate / Father in jail - UCF Personal Statement: Overcoming an Obstacle [2]

- You only have a limited amount of space to state your case. This portion is just a word filler. so it can be omitted.

- Go directly to telling this story. Only work in how you found out what happened. Jump directly into the obstacle. In fact, open the paragraph with it for more impact. Explain how you felt when you found out he was arrested and why. Delve deeper into how you felt sitting in the "fishbowl" as you visited with him. Explain it's impact well into your adult life. That way you can properly explain how you overcame this obstacle.

-Develop this paragraph. Explain the impact. How did you overcome its chain reaction in your life? How did you work on forgiving him? Why will the memories never leave? If you say you will never forget the memories, can you actually claim to have overcome the obstacle of what happened in your life?

Writing Feedback / Talking about "gap-year" - traveling or working [6]

Hi Adam. You have greatly improved the content of the essay. I can really see how you are exerting a tremendous effort in mastering your essay writing skills. Let's see if I can help you out a little bit more :-) I made some suggestions as to how you can cut down on the word count of your essay without affecting the content. It is just too wordy at the moment and therefore becomes a chore to read. Opinion essays need to be direct to the point.


- ...I went directly to university studies ... very hard to prepare forthe Chinese college... which was full of... university I wished to attend.After all, I had prepared for college throughout high school. So I took it for granted that I would immediately go to the university after completing high school.However, not all of my friends and classmates went straight to college like I did. Some took a "gap year" to travel and experience the world. One friend of mine who took a "gap year" told me that the travel time really opened his eyes to the rest of the world and helped me to decide upon what course he really wanted to study in college. I guess that is one reason that the gap year is so popular. However, the "gap year" is not for all students.

- While I will admit that traveling during a "gap year" does have its benefits for some students, such as teaching them to be independent, and learning the value of hard work and money, there as just some instances when a 'gap year" could be dangerous in terms of a future choice of career or lifestyle for fresh high school graduates. A "gap year" does not always produce a stronger and more informed college student. If a student comes from a cloistered and sheltered upbringing then his social and survival skills are quite weak. He may not be able to survive too long away from his comfort zone. However, there are times when a student learns the value of hard work and money before they understand the value of education during a "gap year" and they opt never to go to college instead. Why should they when they can easily earn the money they need to support themselves? Being a waitress or a barista will never compare to being an engineer or astronomer, but it keeps money in their pockets and they did not need a formal education to earn the money.

- Just because a student goes directly to college from high school does not mean that he will lack experiences in life. University life offers almost similar benefits as a gap year. The only difference being that a skill is actually being honed and harnessed as the student learns about social skills and independence. More specialized skills are developed that could lead the student towards a highly lucrative career as opposed to learning to mix coffee and serve burgers during a "gap year".


- This is a concluding statement. You should not have introduced new ideas at this point. Just close the essay using a restated thesis, summarized prompts, and your point of view.

Undergraduate / The best day of my life. Virginia Tech Essay [5]


- Gum, you are assuming that everyone who reads your paper is highly religious and familiar with the missionary life, but what if the person who reads this essay is an atheist who does not believe in organized religion? He won't be very familiar with what a missionary is and what work you do. That is why it is always best to give an overview of your occupation whenever there is a possibility of confusion or perhaps the reader not knowing what a certain occupation is about although they are familiar with its general definition. For example, I know what a missionary is, but what makes a missionary different from a domestic missionary? Do you belong do a congregation outside the United States and you just came to the country to do missionary work like the Mormons do? After all, you mentioned a Pittsburgh office, so that means you are not in the area where your congregation originated from?

Explaining the kind of experience that you have had as a missionary will also help explain why you believe that this particular day is the best of all the days you have had doing missionary work. Compare your past missionary work with this particular day. That is one way of discussing this theme. As for alluding to the readers regarding this being your best day ever, I believe I have supplied you with some guidelines that can help you achieve that. I'll work with you for as long as needed to get this essay to where you want it to be. Just be patient with the revisions though :-) We may be in for a number of them ;-)

Writing Feedback / Talking about "gap-year" - traveling or working [6]

Adam, this essay requires a lot of revision time. I have made my suggestions below. I believe that the essay has room for improvement. That is what I would like you to do before we fix the grammar and sentence errors :-)

- Adam, you should not have stated your opinion on the topic in the 2nd paragraph. You know very well that the introductory statement includes the restated prompt, a brief discussion of the topic, and your point of view. So you have to go back and revise these two paragraphs. You can actually blend the information from these 2 statements into one paragraph. All you have to do is streamline the information it contains. I would like to see how you would combine the two paragraphs into one statement before I give you my take on it :-)

- I separated this from your thesis statement because this should become your first paragraph.

- Edit this paragraph and merge it into the above paragraph. These two are directly connected and should not be discussed as separate topics.

- Use your personal experience to justify your point of view. Making reference to these other sources only towards the end in order to reinforce your point of view.


- Don't present new ideas in your conclusion. Summarize the essay, provide the facts and close the statement. That is how you write a proper conclusion :-)

Undergraduate / The best day of my life. Virginia Tech Essay [5]

Gum, you forgot to tell us what kind of help you need :-) Do you need help in dealing with the prompt? Expanding the word content? I'm not exactly sure how I can be of help here. Having read the short paragraph you have written has given me some ideas about which sections you could extend though. So maybe giving me a heads up on the word count will help me guide you towards the expansion of your essay? Anyway, here's my take on your essay:


- Headquarters of what? Why were you meeting refugee children? What team were you a part of and what was your team tasked to do during the meeting with the children?


- As a what? I think you could explain a bit more about what your job is. Also, you need to clarify why you feared not being able to interact with the kids because of different backgrounds.


- Why was she flying higher and higher? What exactly were you doing with the kids?


- What exactly are the backgrounds of these children? Why do you say that they need your group?


- I think you need to develop a paragraph that explains how this became the best day ever for you (so far). Right now, it just seems like you were babysitting kids in a park.


- I suggest that you make this your introduction and work your way from there. This is actually the hook that your paper needs to keep the reader glued to the paper. It also helps us understand how the events of the day led to the best day of your life (so far).

I hope I was able to help. Once you give more detailed instructions, I will try to give you more detailed advice as well :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Temperature and Rainfall in Darwin and Kuala Lumpur (two tables) [7]

Like I said, the relaxed rules of the English language is reserved for the almost native to native speakers of the language. In this case, I suggest you stick to the rules you were taught regarding the verb tenses. So consider it present tense. This way, you know that you will have followed the guidelines set before you during the review period. Remember, there are no right or wrong answers in an essay. It is all left up to the interpretation of the reader. So just make sure that you answer the essay prompt in the best way that you understood it. Complete the task in the manner that you are used to. Don't take any chances while you are taking the exam. Stick to the rules in order to increase your chance of passing the test.

Be confident in what you know. You have prepared all this time to take the IELTS. Now is not the time to second guess yourself. There will be moments when logic and common sense will come in handy as you interpret the essay prompts. Until the need to use common sense arises though, it would be best for you to not test the waters Do what is expected and take great care in the way that you answer the essay portions.

Scholarship / Educational Achievements: review for a masters scholarship [3]

I have some notes for you regarding how to strengthen your essay. You need to add certain information and also clarify some points.The essay has problems regarding content and theme that you need to fix before we can address the grammar and sentence structure issues that also exist.


- Mention what the Radio Salus Competition was about and why it is relevant to your academic achievement. There is nothing in your introductory statement that presents your early interest in Journalism. If you were a part of the school paper or yearbook team, you should mention it here. So far, all of the information you mentioned does not connect in any way to the fact that you were admitted to the University of Rwanda as a Journalism student.


- Did you have any notable internships in college? Relevant volunteer experience? Mention it. Segue those bits of information into your editorial assistant position at Radio Isango Star.


- Share your purpose for enrolling in Digital Media specifically. Why that media? What makes it of particular interest to you? How do you hope City University can help you achieve those plans and goals? Don't talk about your double major if you are writing this paper specifically for the Journalism department.


-You made no mention of any samples of your leadership and teamwork abilities. If you are targeting a scholarship, you need to make mention of any and all abilities that can help enhance your application.

Truthfully, this sounds more like a college application essay rather than a scholarship application. Do you have any specific prompts from the scholarship foundation that can guide you in writing your paper? Perhaps something along the lines of what they expect from your as a scholar or what they are looking for in a scholar and how you plan to embody those ideals? Right now, this is more of a personal application essay to college than anything else. So we may need to revise the whole content based upon the prompt of the scholarship.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Temperature and Rainfall in Darwin and Kuala Lumpur (two tables) [7]

I appreciate your kind words SHanafi. I understand that the rules of the English language can also be confusing because of the seemingly strict intricacies of the rules. In reality though, the rules are not that strict and you will find that you can relax those rules in certain instances. The rules are only hard and unchangeable as you study grammar as an English student. Once you reach near native speaker level, the rules will begin to relax due to the more advanced language rules that will then include exceptions.


- Shanafi, by the way you wrote the essay and the fact that October and November have not occurred for us this year yet, it was quite obvious that you were referring to the chart of the past year. That is why I used the simple past tense to revise the sentence for you. In situations where the past is implied, it is alright to use the simple past tense. Looking at the chart, I saw that the months referred to the past year and not the current year.

I hope I was able to clear up the question in your mind. Feel free to ask me if you have any other concerns :-)

Scholarship / 'The days after that were bleak and insignificant' - ethical dilemma essay [3]

Hi gold, one of the things that I noticed with your personal essay is that is spends too much time discussing the death of your brother. The learning experience that you gained from it does not kick in until the last 2 paragraphs. Even though this is a biographical essay, it should continuously showcase the growth of your character through the tragedy that you experienced. For every negative or gloomy part of the story that you told, there needed be a lesson learned on your part that reflected the way the event helped shape your personal life and/or aspirations.

What I think you should do is reverse the format of the essay, bring the last two paragraphs up as your introduction and first body paragraph and then move the story of your brother down. Cut the story down to only the important learning elements in order to keep the reader engaged and interested in the development of your story. Make this all about your learning experience from the way you and your family had to recover from his disappearance from your lives. Don't linger too long on the sadness. The essay should still be upbeat with a message of hope and life going on for the best.

I hope my suggestions work for you. Consider them and use the ideas if you think it is something you want to try :-)

Undergraduate / 'I have always been self-reliant' - First Draft Undergrad CommonApp Personal Statement [2]

This is a wonderfully written personal statement. Your sentiments, thoughts, and emotions are perfectly represented within the paper. I caught a few grammatical errors that need to be addressed and some sections that I think we can delete in order to create a bigger impact on the reader and I will point those out below:


- As a toddler ,


- I dove into...


- no avail . There ...


- ... with the belief. ... the world .

Save for these few corrections, I would not change anything else in your essay. It is perfect in the sense that it engages all the senses of the reader, immersing us in your dark world going towards enlightenment :-)

Undergraduate / Imagine yourself in a tutorial at Williams. Of anyone in the world, whom would you choose.... [14]

I caught some sections that needed correcting. How did it affect your word count? Let me know if I need to help you bring it down to 400


- ... that will create a new scientific standard .



... be myself with. ..


- just as I would.


- Together, we would strive to develop... We would become unstoppable...

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Temperature and Rainfall in Darwin and Kuala Lumpur (two tables) [7]

Shanafi, I hope my suggestions work for you :-)


- ... there are four- months from ... May records show and identical number...


- The tables indicate that Darwin recorded moderate temperatures ranging from 32oC in ... with similar temperatures... November, Darwin recorded .. while the hottest period in Kuala Lumpur occurred between...


- Rainfall in Darwin showed... rates throughout the year were more volatile in fluctuation than in Kuala... The wet months occurred for 20 days early in the year, with no rainfall in July and August.... number of rainfall with Darwin in October and November , identifying a similar amount of rainfall in March as well .

Scholarship / "The Value of Time" - Questbridge Significant Experience Essay [4]

Jin, while baby sitting was something that obviously had an impact upon you, I do not see how this resulted in an achievement, risk, or ethical dilemma that you had to face and resolve. If you had spoken about your fledgling time management skills with regards to your baby sitting duties and your studies, then perhaps that would have shown an achievement on your part. In this case, the essay is speaking of the achievement of your nephew, that of standing on his own rather than being assisted.

You wrote this essay in terms of time, but you did not achieve any connection within the words that you used and the situation you described to explain any achievement, risk or dilemma that could relate to your realization of time. It would be best if you instead revised the content of the essay at this point. That is just my opinion and I will explain why I said that.

The baby sitting and study conflict is something that is very real for most students with siblings to care for after school. In your case, it makes it even worse because the child is not a sibling but a nephew who should not have been in your charge in the first place. He interrupted your studies and left you cursing as you played catch up with your studies. Surely you eventually learned how to balance caring for him and studying at the same time. So talk about that.

Learning to balance your time between your school duties and your duty to your family / nephew is something that you should consider a remarkable achievement for a person your age. It is something that you had to learn on your own as you did not have any family to support you during that time. So I suggest that you concentrate on that achievement instead.

If you want to try out my idea, know that I and the other forum volunteers are here to help you out as best as we can :-) So don't be afraid to revise your paper if you feel comfortable doing so ;-)

Undergraduate / Seizing the future! ~UC Freshman Prompt [2]


SeniorPeach, while I like the hook that you created by using the story that your mother was reading to you, I feel that it is irrelevant to the heart of the story, which is your first experience with Gran Mal Seizure and how you had to recover from it. I believe that this is a world that is unique to you because as the person suffering from the seizures, you alone can experience that world. So talk about it. Describe how it feels for you to have a seizure, explain how you are treating it and how you are not letting it defeat you. Take us along on the ride towards the realization that you were not going to let this illness beat you because you were not going to let yourself be beaten by it. Then show us how your overcame it.

That is the portion of the essay that you should concentrate in. That is what led to the shaping of your dreams and aspirations. Don't spend too much time talking about the fictional character from the book, he did very little to shape your dreams, aspirations, and attitude in life. Those were shaped by your illness and how you dealt with it. So use that strong foundation for this essay. I am sure it will be one great paper once you are done with it :-)

Writing Feedback / Have you ever wondered what that "Organically grown" sticker actually means when you have seen signs [3]

Khusel, while I commend your for your effort to practice your reading comprehension skills on your own, I cannot properly gauge what you understood of the article because you did not provide us with a copy of it. Kindly provide it so that we can get a better idea of what to look for in your writing. You can either cut and paste it here directly or give us the non-hyperlinked url as a source.

Your paper is flawed in many ways. Capitalization issues abound and improper use of terms are just some of the problems plaguing your paper. I strongly recommend that you revise the paper and make sure that it delivers the necessary elements of a comprehension paper. That includes a short summary of the content and important information along with your understanding of the topic being reported.

Just a word of advice, Ghostly, means supernatural spirits, Ghastly, means something horrific or offensive. I am sure you did not mean to use Ghostly in that sentence, neither did you mean to capitalize its use in the middle of a sentence :-) Also, "but" is never used to open a sentence. In addition, a new sentence or paragraph always begins with a capital letter for the first word.

Writing Feedback / Housing shortage in big cities can cause severe social consequences [2]

William, some suggestions for better paragraph construction and comments regarding your content are listed below. I hope you find it helpful :-)


- With an increasing number of... the housing shortage in the metropolis... people suggest that the housing problem solutionis solely the government's responsibility .I believe that there is merit to this claim for a number of reasons that I will be discussing below.

- This makes it very clear that only your opinion and no other will be discussed in the paper.


- The government is in charge of city planning. Therefore, they have the power to demolish old building in favor of constructing new residential buildings s or re-purpose abandoned government owned buildings for purposes of providing housing and shelter to those who need it. The city council has been empowered to implement housing plans in their area that will encourage some homeless people to move there because of the government allowance offered for them to start their lives in a a new place.


- As tax paying people we should demand that the government provide for us using the funds we helped finance. It is the job of the government to take care of us when we are down on our luck financially. This means providing us with shelter when we cannot afford to rent or buy our own. It is the government's responsibility to provide residential assistance to the people of the city by providing public accommodations or financial aid whenever possible.

- The government cannot and should not intervene in the free market housing projects / private residential developers. Don't use this argument. Your first two are strong and compelling enough to stand on its own in the paper.


- Based upon my aforementioned reasons ranging from the power of the government to manipulate building use and their responsibility to the people based upon taxes collected, it becomes very clear that the government truly has the sole power and responsibility when it comes to addressing and solving the housing shortage in the metropolis.

Writing Feedback / The benefits of nuclear technology far outweigh the disadvantages. Do you agree or disagree? [8]

William, when you write an opinion paper essay, yo will normally need5paragraphs due to the following reasons:

1. 1st paragraph - introduction with thesis statement and personal point of view.

2. 2nd paragraph - argue an opposing argument with evidence;

3. 3rd paragraph - present a supporting argument with evidence;

4. 4th paragraph - present your point of view using personal experience, knowledge, or reading material;

5. Conclusion - covering the restated thesis, summary of facts, and repetition of your personal opinion.

So you need to present your point of view clearly by stating something along the lines of "Having presented this commonly known facts and theories about nuclear energy, I would now like to discuss the personal reasons I have for supporting nuclear energy." You can then state your agreement with the arguments by adding your own thoughts on the matter.

I hope this clarifies the basic point of view essay format for you :-) Feel free to ask follow up questions. I will answer whenever I can :-)

Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

Jang, I will be commenting on some of your content. I hope you won't mind if I combine some paragraphs that can be combined to bring down the word count and create a tighter essay for you.


- I believe that you can request to have a thread deleted once you have finished the discussion in it. I think you need to contact the support staff of the forum to find out how to get the thread deleted.

- In 2007, my father took a gambler's risk in the stock market and lost everything we had. The house, the money, everything was gone in the blink of an eye. I became very angry at him for gambling away my future as a foreign exchange student in the United States upon my graduation. He had stamped out all of my hopes at a bright and better future for our family and myself. But rather than rebelling against what happened, after all there was nothing more I could do about it, I decided to be the responsible daughter instead. Showing my parents empathy instead of hate, helping to diffuse explosive situations between my parents whenever possible. I learned that it was important to appreciate what simple things my family could provide. We had a strong love for one another that kept us together and intact, growing stronger bonds because of the crisis.

- Just when I thought I could not rely on my father for anything, he showed me a different side to himself when he decided to gamble again. This time on my future. Despite the financial problems we still faced, he knew that I needed to go to the United States if I were to have a shot at achieving the future he could no longer provide.

- Now you should talk about how you took your father's trust in you and developed into an even more responsible person once you were on your own in the U.S. Talk about your challenges here and how you overcame them. Highlight the fact that each challenge helped you become more mature in outlook and decision making. Those are important factors in the essay. We can work on polishing it later on.

- Do not discuss your brother in this essay. We are not talking about him. We are talking about your transformation to maturity upon your arrival in the United States. I am assuming you are already there right? Instead, I want you to discuss the way that you want to go onto higher education but your family is still in a financial crisis with a younger sibling still in school. Talk about how you are trying to not burden them further financially by doing what you can to afford your educational expenses on your own. I believe that will be the best way to end this essay. It will be an indirect way of requesting to be considered for a scholarship, should you decide to apply for one.

If I missed anything, I am sure it will show up in version 103 :-) These are all I spotted and thought about for now.

Scholarship / "Intellectual excitement" and "Meaningful commitment" short answers [3]

Your first essay is an excellent example of your work ethic and sense of teamwork. It is highly admirable that you were able to translate your commitment to your orchestra and craft within the allotted word count. You even have 7 letters to spare :-) I am wondering though, if this activity could somehow be related to the major you are applying to? The more closely you can align your answers to the major you hope to be accepted in, the better it would be for you :-)


- The reason I would like you to skip directly to the questions you are asking is because the questions are the concepts that you find yourself questioning. After you present your questions, you can then discuss how these questions led you to your love of biology and a desire to learn more about the human body and all living things. By doing so, you will be able to present a solid idea as to how your past interests led you to this chosen major.

Writing Feedback / Parental influence and teenagers pressure to go into certain career paths [4]

Ominous, I believe that you chose the wrong topic for your thesis. It will be difficult to prove that language has a direct impact upon the career choices of students and teens because the primary influence that they get from their parents and other role models is through their actions, not their language. Going with them to the office, being exposed to the work, the kids are first exposed to the actions because they do not understand what is going on even if they hear the words being spoken. So language is not the biggest influence in career choices for these kids.

Here is what I would suggest that you do. Take the thesis that your professor gave you and Google it. Look up the related topics as the search comes up and then choose your topic based upon the availability of the resource materials to you. I typed it in myself and I found a number of topics that I am sure you can choose from once you see it. Right now, the topic that you chose is not only vague, but the resource materials for it as so scarce that even a Google search does not turn up anything relating to language and career choices in teens. What it does turn up though are family and gender influence suggestions. That is why I told you that I believe you should reconsider your thesis topic :-) I hope I was able to help you out even a little bit.

Graduate / 'flexibility and versatility of the profession' - Entrance essay for physician assistant program. [2]

Swillis, this is a very touching narrative essay about the development of your desire to become a physician assistant. However, without knowing what the personal essay prompt truly is, we will be unable to properly assist you. So we hope that you can post that information in this thread soon. That said, I would like to offer some comments about your essay based upon the existing information.

There must have been a compelling buildup of reasons for you to have decided to enter the physician assistant program. You should make mention of these in your essay. I am not sure if your original prompt requires it but I believe that the essay could use some information about your exposure to the rural settings and how that affected your desire to move from a Medical Assistant position to something higher. You need to discuss yourself on a more personal level. While this story is good, you need to develop the events leading up to this realization for you.

Information such as an introduction to your early beginnings and influences in the medical field, your Medical Assistant studies and exposure to patients, and even the way that you helped your own relatives their time of medical need will help to build up the scenario in the hospital room that you described. It is always best to give a backgrounder on yourself and what you will be discussing prior to launching into the tale that you told. After all, this is a personal essay, not a novel. So the rules of writing it are different. Although a little creativity, such as in your case, does not hurt :-)

Writing Feedback / Studying at traditional schools, an individual can gain social skills as well as science information [4]

Sahar, don't be afraid to come by anytime with your essays :-) We look forward to helping you become more at home and proficient in essay writing over the coming days. weeks and months. Remember, practice makes perfect. It won't hurt if you also brush up on current events and pop culture depending upon whether you are practicing for the TOEFL or IELTS.

All of us had writing problems when we first started. It took us a great deal of time to overcome our problems and I am sure that over time, we will also see a marked improvement in your writing skills. Don't lose heart. No matter how hard it is for you to be writing now, you will find that it will get easier over the coming days. The practice tests are very important and you should take it seriously. Paired with advice coming from the members of this forum, you should have a pretty solid support group that will help you gain confidence in your writing skills as your exam date nears :-) Just learn to always take our suggestions and comments constructively because we all want to see you succeed once you take the test :-)

Writing Feedback / Parental influence and teenagers pressure to go into certain career paths [4]

Ominous, I am a bit confused as to how you really plan to discuss your thesis. You have two opposing thesis stated here The first one indicates:


Then in a later paragraph you said:


Which is your real thesis topic? Language seems to far fetched in terms of influencing career paths in the youth. So I am assuming it is the second prompt that is correct? You need to finalize your prompt so that we can help you develop the essay outline. At this point, I have some ideas regarding both prompts that I cannot suggest because I di not want to confuse you. You need to make up your mind about your thesis first. The rest of the content will follow after you have done that.

Writing Feedback / 'health is a primary need' - alternative forms of medicine [8]

Wirawiri, let's see if my additional comments and instructions will help clean up your essay even further :-)


- This is better. But it still lacks the restated prompt. You need to state the prompt at the very start of the paragraph.


-... non-educated societies and where people...


This is a separate topic that should be discussed in a separate paragraph. Develop this sentence because this is a key reason for the popularity of alternative medicines.


-... unquestionable. P eople will...


- This is an unnecessary paragraph. You should immediately jump to your conclusion in order to preserve the impact of your essay.


-People will not think... just want to get good health... and dangerous methods ... bad effects of alternative medicine.... more careful when choosing alternative forms of medicine. Real Medicine should still be the first choice for appropriate healthcare, so just let the professional doctors handle it.

Writing Feedback / Imitation and knowledge stage; childhood - the most significant time in an individual's life (toefl) [8]


- Why do some people think that childhood is a crucial state? Childhood is the first stage of what? As an introduction this is very weak and confusing. It has hanging sentences and does not really convey a complete thought nor your opinion on the topic. I suggest that you revise your introduction in order to clean it up. Restate the prompt, create a thesis statement and then give your opinion. That way the reader will have an idea of the flow of discussion that will take place in the essay.


- When considered as supporting facts for your stand on the issue, it seems that you wish to concentrate on the learning experience that a child experiences in child hood. You need to dig deeper and give examples of the learning that takes place during this time. Don't forget to mention at what age learning begins for a child in order to create a solid foundation for your supporting statements.


- This is a good conclusion. However, due to the shaky first and second paragraphs, the effect of your conclusion is lessened.

It is important that you revise your paper based upon my suggestions above. While this is an excellent effort, it is a long way from being coherent and grammatically correct. That is something that can only be corrected once you have created a solid foundation for your paper based upon the content. If I correct the grammatical errors now, it may not be of help to you because of the forthcoming revision.

Undergraduate / Imagine yourself in a tutorial at Williams. Of anyone in the world, whom would you choose.... [14]


I cannot give you a definitive answer in regard to that question. You see, I can only help you construct the essay based upon the prompt that you provided. We have made it the best that it can be, but, that does not mean that it meets all the unspoken or unwritten requirements of the admissions officer. All application essays come with risks. All you can do at this point is review the essay based upon what you know of the requirements of the university and try to ensure that you have met all the qualifications as best as you can.

Will the admissions officer consider this the perfect application? Maybe. Nobody can really be sure. You need to have faith in your written work. Know that you have done your best to represent yourself and your interests as best as you can. The admissions officer knows how to spot and honestly written essay and will give it great thought and consideration. Take the chance and submit this essay. AFTER you have reviewed it one more time. If you feel a strong sense of confidence in your work, then turn it in for consideration.

I wish you the best with your application :-)

Writing Feedback / These days, most of universities have many subjects for male or female only [3]

Yulis, what is the complete prompt for this essay? It will be easier to review the essay if we knew what the specific requirements are. Anyway, I can tell that you have a very strong opinion on the matter so I will be reviewing the essay from that angle.

Let me just say that if not for some grammar weaknesses on your part, you will have built a very strong essay based upon your experience with co-ed education in your country. That said, I will do my best to help you correct the grammar and I hope that I am able to keep the essence of what you want to say as well.


- While it is nice to read your opinion on the matter so early in the essay, you needed to rephrase or restate the prompt first. You know the basic rule of essay writing, always restate the prompt. Without it, your reader will not really know why you are discussing a certain matter in the essay. Your thoughts seem to be getting lost in translation as well so let me try to give you a hand with this.

- I agree that universities should open up their subjects to an equal number of male and female students because the increased number of enrolled students will mean that students will be enrolling in subjects that truly interest them. Removing the limitation on the number of students or gender of the students that can enroll in a certain class will level the professional field for all future workers.


- Yulis, you seem to have misunderstood the prompt at this point. You are not being asked to discuss the limitations on enrollment in certain classes because of gender. The basis for the essay is that the schools allow both genders to enroll in the same classes. It is just that there are more men or women enrolled per class. So the discussion is whether the university should encourage an equal number of students to enroll per class. It has nothing to do with gender limitations pertaining to the classes.It would be best for you to rethink this part and form a new opinion or supporting paragraph for it.


- Again, this is not about gender limitation or discrimination. This is about increasing the rate of enrollment in universities by encouraging an equal number of male and female students to enroll for classes. What benefits can be had from that? Why is it important to encourage an equal number of male and female students per class? Those are the evidences that you should be presenting.


- Why are you introducing a new idea in your conclusion? You know that is against the conclusion writing rules of the essays. Just restate the prompt, repeat your opinion, and summarize the facts.

Undergraduate / 'emulate every aspect of my mother' - UC Personal Statement: the world I come from [6]

msi, the main problem we are facing here is that you are making your mother the focal point of your essay. You are totally missing the most important requirement of the prompt which is ;


You spoke of the world that your mother lived in. Not the world you lived in. If it is the darkness of your mother's anxiety attack that you want to concentrate on as the theme of this essay then you must relate that directly to your development as a person. Here are some guide questions that could help you develop the proper content for this paper, concentrating on you and your development as a person.

1. When you mother used to have attacks a child, what did you think was happening to her? Remember, you did not know she was having an anxiety attack yet.

2. What was your relationship with your mother like because of these attacks? Did you fear her? Love her? Pity her?
3. What could you do as a child to help your mother?
4. When he illness finally got a name, anxiety attacks, how did you feel?
5. How did you react to the diagnosis?
6. What adjustments did you have to make in your life so you could assist your mother?
7. If this event in your life is related to your choice of majors, you should relate this experience with the choice you made at this point.

8. What did you learn about yourself throughout this whole ordeal?
9. Looking back on everything that happened, how do you think those experiences helped to shape the person you have become?

I am trying to help you make this essay all about you while using your mother as an integral part of your development. Let's see if answering these questions in essay form will help you get closer to the prompt requirement :-)