Undergraduate / Arts and Sciences, Cornell Supplement - CAS Prompt [6]

Am I answering the prompt correctly? Is it written well? How can I further develop it? I would be grateful if you send back feedback.

College of Arts and Sciences:
Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study.

When I renewed my AOL Internet subscription in the seventh grade, I somehow, by fate as I believe it now, ordered a year's subscription of Fortune Magazine as well. While my parents were upset that I had spent a great deal of their money on a subscription for a magazine they had never heard of before, I started receiving biweekly editions of the global business magazine. At first, I was skeptical of the magazine because of its title, "Fortune" Magazine (was it about fortunetelling? hocus-pocus?), but I soon became drawn to it and its magical storytelling. As a naïve middle school student, Fortune Magazine introduced me to an entirely new world. It stories brought me upfront to what was happening in other countries; about the great changes going on in China, India, and Russia, and about the changes that were to occur in this century. Biweekly, it spoon-fed me all these wonders, about the developments in Dubai and Singapore, and not just that, but what was causing all of this change, specifically the economic and political reasons. It spoon-fed me new terms: globalization, BRIC (Brazil, Russia, India, China), deficit, collusion, OPEC, the list going on and on. But I needed to know more than what Fortune Magazine was already providing me, so I began to look to the Internet to keep myself updated, reading about international business between East Asia and Europe, and about international relations between the United States and China. I began to subscribe to other magazines such as well, like The Economist, and read works such as The World is Flat to learn more about globalization and the turmoil growing between countries with worsening international relations. I needed to absorb more information, and I needed to know what was going on.

In 2006, after reading about all that was going on, I got the chance to see things firsthand when I visited China and Japan. I got to see the modernization of China that my readings told me about, in its cities and capital, but also the troubles faced by the rest of the country as well, in the farmlands and through the working conditions in factories. I got to witness the political tensions between Japan and China that summer, as well as those between the China and the United States, from the viewpoint of both the Chinese and Japanese media, rather than just from the American media as I had been viewing it before.

I desire to study economics because I find it to be a fascinating subject that lets us closely view the world through the gradual progressions and changes in countries, as well as predict the imminent changes to come. Economics is much more than mathematics and logistics as it involves knowledge of politics and history as well, tying in with international relations, a topic I find incredibly engaging. Cornell's economics program is very strong and is well respected, and as a leading research university it offers the opportunity to do research in both the university and out in the field. Besides studying in the economics department I would also like to take advantage of the international relations minor offered at the Mario Einaudi Center. With the abundant resources that Cornell offers, I believe I would be well prepared for a lifetime of research and work in the field of economics.

Undergraduate / Harvard Supplemental Essay - Arabic [4]

How can I further develop this essay so that it talks more about me? Also is it a chore to read? And why does essayforum.com keep deleting this thread!

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Harvard College

Occasionally, students feel that college application forms do not provide a sufficient opportunity to convey important information about themselves or their accomplishments. If there is something you would like us to know, please inform us below. If you wish to include an additional essay, you may do so.

Possible Topics:
- Unusual circumstances in your life
- Travel or living experiences in other countries
- Books that have affected you the most
- An academic experience (course, project, paper, or research topic) that has meant the most to you
- A list of the books you have read during the past twelve months
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In the summer of 2007, I attended a summer language program at Charlestown High School. The program intended to teach a yearlong program in Arabic within just six short weeks. For those six weeks, I immersed myself in the Arabic language as well as in Arab culture. I engaged in classes that revolved entirely in Arabic discussion, attended Arabic writing classes, and took on culture workshops in art, history, and music. Learning the new language was difficult at first since I was not permitted to use English language in my classes, but I caught on quick. My curiosity in the language and my desire to learn more about the culture pushed me to delve deep into my studies and make sense of what was happening. Soon I began speaking from the back of my throat, curling my r's, and pronouncing sounds I had never thought I could say before. I also learned a new writing system, with an entirely new alphabet. Before, I wrote from the left to the right, now I had to write from the right to the left. Before, I had used one letter symbol for a letter, like "a," now there were three symbols for a letter, depending on whether it was placed at the beginning, middle or end of a word. I was awed by the differences between the English language and the Arabic language.

Besides taking advantage of the resources of the program at the school, I expanded my learning of Arabic beyond the classroom. There are two significant instances that I remember. The first, being a conversation with a Somali businessman on the subway who approached me when he saw me, a Chinese boy, writing an essay in Arabic. The second, being a conversation as well. My classmate in the program at the time, who was an Arab, told me how many of the taxi drivers in Cambridge spoke Arabic. Coincidentally, I had to take a taxi Central Square after class after missing a bus. I could not resist the urge and started a conversation with the driver in Arabic. He said "wa alakum a salem" to my "alem wa sahalem," after an unsure pause, and we spent the next twenty minutes talking about the day and his life in Arabic.

At the end of the intensive language immersion course, I had produced multiple essays entirely in Arabic, and a rather unusual story about a fictional confused penguin living in Lebanon. I had also concluded the course with a leading role in a quirky skit that I helped write in Arabic, and I had been evaluated by an ACTFL language evaluator through a verbal examination that lasted over thirty minutes. But besides that, I had taken away from the program unusual but memorable experiences of learning outside the classroom, and the opportunity to perform my own research. In addition, this program provided me a different way to look at learning and a way to bridge my own culture to another, and find the meaning in language.

Undergraduate / Amherst College Supplemental Essay - Swimming Up [5]

For Amherst's supplement it asks you to choose one quote, which I pasted below, and respond to it (personally not argumentative). I wrote about swimming and my struggle with it at first. Is it a good idea to start with a scene? Is there anything contradictory in the essay at all? Does it seem like a chore to read the essay? Is it even at all a strong essay and if it isn't how can I develop it so that it is? THANK YOU.

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''Difficulty need not foreshadow despair or defeat. Rather achievement can be all the more satisfying because of obstacles surmounted.''
Attributed to William Hastie, Amherst Class of 1925, first African-American to serve as a judge for the United States Court of Appeals
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Eyes are drawn to the to the speck in the pool lane as it claws its way through the cold blue water, last to complete the lap. As it grasps the end of the pool, gasping for air, finished with its race, it looks around to the lanes beside it. It realizes that the others are not in those lanes anymore, that the others have already completed their race some time ago. As it climbs out of the pool, it looks at itself in the reflection of the water. It knows it must go back to the drawing board, that it must prepare once again for the next time it meets the water.

Prior to swimming, I had never experienced an activity that required such brute mental and physical strength. The pressure to beat the clock, to beat exhaustion, both mental and physical, especially for a seventh grader on a high school swimming team like I was at the time, was something I early on found almost unbearable. To survive in the pool each day was a struggle, with regimens filled with never-ending sets that totaled into the thousands in yards. That coupled with relentless swim meets, persistently testing my personal strength and resilience, made it even more difficult.

The strength to swim on with the team required much more than physical strength, it required mental strength. As one of the younger swimmers on the team, and one of the slower at the time, I found it hard to swim up to par with the others in the pool. Many times I questioned myself, as did many of those around me. I wondered whether this hard work was worth it, whether I could go on any further, whether I would improve and whether my hard work would go on noticed. But despite uncertainty hanging over, I continued forward. I knew I had to persevere, to prove to myself and to others that I had what it took to succeed. "Difficulty need not foreshadow despair or defeat."

Serious progression in swimming would not happen overnight. It would have to happen slowly over time. I began to push myself, farther than I ever did before. I began to swim through the mental exhaustion, and personal dubiousness. Besides strengthening my mental capacity, I began to refine my swimming technique as I grew in level, and learn things I would never have learned had I abandoned the sport earlier on. Besides learning to swim competitively, which was my short-term goal, I also learned about leadership, and character from the others on the team.

Over time, my extra hours in the pool, and my push caught up with me, and I began to move up in rank with improving swim times. Over the years, I swam faster and faster, and earned position in more valued races. I earned respect from my swim mates and most of all, understanding of myself and my strengths along the way. Although I faced great opposition in the pool, and started from the very bottom, I struggled and climbed my way out to the top. Looking back, I feel pride knowing what I accomplished, and what barriers I swam through to get where I am now.

Undergraduate / Bowdoin Supplemental Essay - Arabic Immersion Program Learning [4]

Can you guys edit this essay? How should I fix it and develop it? Also am I answering the prompt correctly? Thanks.
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Required Supplemental Essay for First-Year Applicants

Bowdoin is a liberal arts college that thrives on intellectual discourse in and out of the classroom. Students, faculty, and staff all participate in the exchange of ideas in an atmosphere characterized by high achievement and a sense of balance. The Admissions Committee is eager to learn more about you and your school community. Reflecting on your own educational experiences, how have you prepared yourself to enter an academic environment like Bowdoin's? (Suggested length: 250-500 words.)

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For six long weeks I delved into a world of mystique, one that I had been foreign to for almost too long. For some time I had been captivated by the wonders of the Arab world, with its intricate calligraphy, mesmerizing music, and entrancing language. That summer, through an Arabic language immersion program, I finally got the chance in a lifetime.

For six weeks, I studied Arabic language, writing, and culture. Never before had I participated in a learning experience quite like this, with classes revolving entirely in Arabic discussion. Unable to use my native language, English, I struggled at first to keep up. It had been as if I were thrown into a foreign country alone, left to survive. But I had to adapt to this new learning style, and soon, to make sense of things and pull myself out. Despite initial struggle, I quickly caught on. Soon, I began speaking from the back of my throat, curling and twisting my r's, and pronouncing sounds I had never could come out of my mouth.

For those six weeks we were immersed in the Arabic language, we were immersed in the culture as well. We were introduced to art, music, and food. I was introduced to the songs of the Arab popstar Sami, the musical instrument Oud, and the progressions in music that Arab music has gone through in the past few decades. I was introduced to hummus, tabouli, falafel, labneh, and kishta. I learned about the religious and artistic significance of Arab calligraphy. This was a new style of learning, one where I lived and breathed what I was learning.

Besides learning in the classroom and in the program, I extended my learning of Arabic beyond the classroom. . There are two significant instances that I remember. The first, being a conversation with a Somali businessman on the subway who approached me when he saw me, a Chinese boy, writing an essay in Arabic. The second, being a conversation as well. My classmate in the program at the time, who was an Arab, told me how many of the taxi drivers in Cambridge spoke Arabic. Coincidentally, I had to take a taxi Central Square after class after missing a bus. I could not resist the urge and started a conversation with the driver in Arabic. He said "wa alakum a salem" to my "alem wa sahalem," after an unsure pause, and we spent the next twenty minutes talking about the day and his life in Arabic.

The Arabic immersion program illuminated me about the different ways of learning. By the end of the intensive language course, I learned to prepare myself for learning outside the classroom, in the real world. Coming out of the program, I had a strong foundation. I had produced multiple essays entirely in Arabic, and a rather unusual story about a ficional confused penguin living in Lebanon. Besides writing skills, I also had robust language skills, prepared to converse with others in Arabic. This course showed me how learning is beyond the classroom, and lies in the real world and in real life.

Undergraduate / CommonApp Essay - Putting Back What I've Been Given [9]

This is a CommonApp Essay I wrote 15 days ago and never edited. How can I further develop it? Is it a weak essay? The ending is very rushed and unorganized because I have yet to look at it closely because it is so uncomfortable to read. Edits and comments on how to develop it (and shorten it!) would be greatly appreciated.

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I shuffle pass the lobby to the backroom of the library. As I turn the knob, cracking open the door, I spot a familiar face. It is Gabriel. Taking a seat at the table, I scoot over beside him. Like many of the kids I tutor, Gabriel is the child of new immigrants, like many of the kids in my neighborhood. He reminds me of myself when I was younger. Pencil in hand, I see that he is eager to start his work. I point toward his backpack and he takes out his folder. He speeds through the math worksheets like usual, adding and subtracting with ease. But when we start on his English homework, I sense his unease. He has difficulty with this subject. Together we go through his worksheets slowly, making sure that he understands every part.

I look at the clock and it is five minutes until seven. The afterschool-tutoring program should have ended at six thirty and Gabriel's parents should have been here about half an hour ago. But it's fine because I'm light on homework that night, and I don't mind staying later with him. We pour over a copy of Pinnochio while we wait for his parents, with him reads it first, and then me correcting his mistakes the second time around.

As we approach the end of the story, we hear a light rapping on the door. It is Gabriel's mother. She gives a sigh of relief when she sees Gabriel. She seems worn out, shoulders slumped, and deep breathing, right out of work. She is glad that Gabriel is here and finds comfort in that. I tell her that we made good progress today, and Gabriel translates for her. He reminds me of myself when I was younger, translating in English for my own parents. Gabriel's mom asks me something in her thick Portuguese accent, but I do not quite understand. Gabriel tells me that she is asking if I will be here tomorrow. I say yes, and that comforts her.

When I think about Gabriel and the kids I tutor like him, I am reminded of myself. Coming from a household in which neither parent spoke very much English, I struggled with schoolwork. With both parents knowing just as much English as me, if not less, I had no one to turn to. My parents were concerned about my education. I turned to afterschool programs like the one Gabriel turned to. The help I received there influenced me and shaped me as well as helping me keep from falling in the cracks. Had I not gotten the assistance I needed, I would never have been able to have the opportunities I've been able to access, or the achievements I've made.

Like Gabriel, coming from an immigrant family, I soon became of vital importance in my family. The one with strongest English, at a young age, I was depended on to help translate for my parents. I had to talk to read mail in English, and communicate with adults to help my family. I know how important it is to help Gabriel and keep him from falling in the cracks, because he will be the lifeline of his family.

Coming from an increasingly diverse neighborhood, growing up in an immigrant family, I understand the challenges that are faced by the children of immigrants. I understand how with my help, as Gabriel's mother is unable, I can influence Gabriel's life. I also know how helping him will help his family as well. When I think of Gabriel and the kids I tutor, I am reminded me how grateful I am to be where I am today. I feel indebted to them. Gabriel reminds me of my purpose to my neighborhood, why I tutor, and what I can do to help the next generation of kids just like us.

jyu104 Edit Delete Move 72.72.62.125
Jan 1, 2010 #8

Undergraduate / CommonApp Activities Essay - Humanitarian Group [5]

Constant fear of being abducted to become child soldiers by the rebel army, of massacre and genocide, have left the children of northern Uganda without future or hope. Neglected, because of publicity focused toward the north, in the Sudan, and toward the Iraq War, they are not receiving the help they need. Hearing their story, in 2008, I helped found a school chapter of Invisible Children, a non-profit organization geared toward improving the situation in northern Uganda. Through the organization, matched with the Atanga Secondary School, my chapter spread awareness of the children and their story. We fundraised to support their education by sending money to buy computers and desks, and by sending books we gathered from our community. We took action, to give these invisible children hope and a future that they deserved.

Undergraduate / Why Tufts? Distinct Mission; INTERNATIONAL RELATIONS [8]

Which aspects of Tufts' curriculum or undergraduate experience prompt your application? In short: ''Why Tufts?''

In our increasingly globalized world, dramatic changes are taking place. With requirement of a World Civilizations course, language proficiency, and a strong focus in International Relations, Tufts seeks to provide its students preparation for this emerging global society. Four years at Tufts, with its diverse and international student body, and its distinct mission, will prepare me to thrive in this new playing field.

[Do you guys find this to be incredibly generic and impersonal? Is it something I shouldn't use for my supplement? How can I improve it, in terms of topic, style, voice? Should I not use this at all?

Undergraduate / Why Tufts? BECAUSE I HAVE AN OBSESSION WITH ELEPHANTS [6]

Why Tufts?

When I think of Tufts, I think of elephants walking up and down the hills in Medford and platypuses swimming down the Charles. Weird thought, but besides that, I think of globalization, and how, like Tuft's student body, the world is becoming more diverse and intertwined. I think of how Tufts knows this, and how, with requirement of a World Civilizations course, fluency in a foreign language, and focus in international relations, it strives to prepare its students for this new changing world.

Can someone edit it so it's less choppy? Also do you think the intro is a bad idea? What do you guys honestly think of this?