Letters / the Architecture program at Tulane University - my Admissions Letter [5]

Here is what I think the admission officer should remarkably take:


Of course when you are applying for our school, it is your interest, rather than your parental guidance. Not quite a tempting, noteworthy opening yet.


As an admission officer, I do not think that I would let my students go out thinking like that about my school--negative thoughts.


Okay, this is getting a little bit too far from the question--we do not ask for types of consideration nor catalyst of such indifferent sources!


Just now it gets little bit better. And yet again, such details are not separately peculiar or particular--kids should always be fascinated by such toys.


The thrust is downwards going now. Can't even imagine!


Now that was something to be annotated.


Good enough, but do you not get this from other colleges?


Other universities do have such offerings.


...
Personal Comments:
Throughout your post you have been working too hard on explanation, simply not getting your minds to free themselves. Such problems occur, and your work is anything but interesting. And to talk critically, I myself do not think that your reason is firm enough, and your application (other details of your application notwithstanding) adequately tempting. And yet again, if your other application-related progress is well-done, your chance might vary indifferently from 40% to 60%.

---

Edit: Eh, by the way, if you want to do this for real, try to impress the admission officer by a post rather tempting and noteworthy. And if you find it hard to accomplish, then I recommend you not take this challenge.

Writing Feedback / Technology, one offspring of science, is a world of imagination being made true [7]

To argumentatively affirm my point of view and accuracy of grammar, I should have offense against your very correction.


To begin with, "such technological inventions as" is a correct phrase, referring to the very structure "such as".
And most of all, "grounds" have the same meaning as "bases". And the reason that I replaced the word "bases" in this sentence with "grounds" is that it meliorates the harmony of the speech.


It is at least to say, that "take something into account" has the same meaning as "bear something in mind", which is, I believe, adequately communicative in this situation.

And "within the act of something" is under the influence of something, which, too, is expressive enough.


Yes, thank you for having struck-through the very inharmonious phrase. Yet I believe it would be better if you correspondingly reassure my very expression. For if missing, the last one should wear the readers out, believing that there are many more reasons.

After all, very grateful I am, for having been corrected.

Writing Feedback / Technology, one offspring of science, is a world of imagination being made true [7]

Thank you for having seized some particularly unfathomable speech.

About learning to simplify things, yes, I have to do so. But still, it feels little bit queer. :D

Anyways, as the matter is accounted, how? :D

Undergraduate / "The Perfect Girl is no dream, no illusion" - Common Application [8]

Others are to say that your work is excellent, and yes, it is exceeding. And yet to look back, I do not see how your personality is pointed out, how your individuality is showcased in such a composition. You have written well, my friend, but simply not well enough to lend your personality, your makings, your individuality, your characteristics, into the composition. There the question still remains--and whether you get into the college is judged only from your final version of the essay.

Essays / how to make a thesis statement on why Same sex marriages should be legal [5]

Homosexuality does have the consequences of true love, and such cases should not be denied or interdicted. All lovers, by the name of freedom and happiness, should be allowed to possess sanctioned marriage. They themselves should be granted the final gift of marriage, because marriage is an inalienable right of humans.

That is what I have thought of so far, because frankly saying, I have never confronted such queer topics of discussion.

*P.s. Remember to support your paragraphs with acceptable, undeniable evidence.

Grammar, Usage / sentence structure....is the following sentence grammatically correct? [9]

Grammatically unacceptable. How irrelevant it is to endure 2 verbs which have not the modal meanings or infinitive-without-to acceptance.

The sentence should be altered to the following:
"What types of works have you published?"
or,
"What types of works had you published (+ some specific indicators to clarify the meaning)?"

Writing Feedback / Control over happiness - 'people gain happiness differently' (SAT) [5]


The first sentence, which should aptly give the first impression, is quite prolix and obscure. To say that it is something is rather saying nothing. So the expression, in this case, should be changed to "Happiness is somewhat the key to treasure." Yet "the key to treasure" remains so gloomy in meaning--what treasure is it?

The second sentence is useless for the purpose of transiting ideas--what it has to do with external or internal environments (and you should now realize an error in phrasing nouns) in the next sentence is not explained nor understood.

The third sentence is grammatically mistaken. "Motive" is not a verb, which is irrelevant for the sentence has no main verbs. Thus this word should be changed to "motivate."

The last sentence fails to envision the question as well as your statement whether you sanctions or dissents with the question.


The first sentence, as the topic sentence, fails to conjure the idea, as its grammatical phase is not yet acceptable.

The next sentence, probably penalized for the absence of conjunctions, is particularly flawed. "Joe and Pip cherished the hope that he..."--who is he? Both "Joe" and "Pip" are boy names.

The following sentences conform a great deal of mistakes. Failing to ensure correct spellings is evidently one: "morever", "ascendence", so on and so forth. Mistakes in upholding correct participles are also visible in the word 'beated." Also, obviously inaccurate conjunctiions are used. In the sixth sentence (if my counting is correct), the conjunction "however" is inconceivable. Sufficing that the preceding sentence has stated that his life readily goes down, it is not hard to imagine that as a man, his life is vastly devastated. In this sentence, a tense conflict also occurs. On and on mistakes composed, I believe it is not careful and motivated of you not to proofread your very work.


May I ask what "fradulent" means--no, what "fradulent" even is? As well, "pemberly"? Misspelt words are inserted into your post: "everytime", "deficency"...

Also, "willingnesses" is no word. "Willingness" adopts no plural form, for it is uncountable.


Proofreading is particularly hard for you, is it not? "Exemples" is a peculiar word to my ears, and I believe it should be "examples." Also, "though in literature" means "despite literature", which is clearly unsuitable here. However, what I find most bemusing is the way in which you put "two" and "path" together indifferently, without realizing your very mistake. Have you typed these words without even re-looking?

Overall, your post does not embody the question "Is happiness something over which people have no control?" It does not cover any of the perceivable aspects. Therefore to say, your post is quite irrelevant.

And yet again to say, I anticipate better work next time.

Faq, Help / EF Contributing is AWESOME...so how do i become one??!! [10]

Erh, it is clear, is it not? At the end of the EF Contributor Page lies a line that says once you have given 20 pieces of meaningful feedback to disparate people (not only one sentence), you may go to this link: essayforum.com/contact/ and contact the administration to become a Contributor.

Scholarship / doctorate degree in Computer Science - my scholarship application [4]

Countable nouns such as amounts should be in correct use--and this very error you have made ('vast amount' I believe) does not contribute much.

Also, to refer to 2 disparate things, it is inadvisable that you use a slash. Slashes do not make your post feel any better, but rather it brings about defects.

Tense conflicts are visible: "I believed myself that if I work hard, I would..." This sentence demonstrates your belief to be erstwhile--and should it be, while you say that it proves true until now?

Grammatical errors, however, are not likely to be penalized, as your post only possesses little. Nevertheless, it is worthwhile that we seek more meaningful and relevant writing.

The first irrelevance is that in your second paragraph, you have inadvertently listed some of the facts about your achievements. This rather proves that you have not a correct, heedful understanding about the instruction, which is not quite acceptable.

Also, as your post flows, it is very exciting at first. Yes, at first. But then you dry out. There to say, in the last impression, you have not accomplished the goal of tempting listeners and readers to uphold their interests in your very work. Your essay feels kind of weary at the last point, and missing something, too. The contents feel a little unsound...

I must caution you to be more relevant and interest-rousing. What I would like to advise you to do is to expose yourself, your study, your environment, your achievements to reality. Say how they utterly apply to your life, how they particularly inspire your personality, how they make you a useful, yet not boring person, so on and so forth. Such reality-related details should embody your personality, for I think if you do look for a scholarship, the admission officers, especially in the USA, give at least 50% of the marks for the ones who make them feel inspired, aroused, interested, tempted, and most of all, energized.

Okay, that's what I have got so far, and I really, really hope that our country gets your news soon.

Grammar, Usage / sentence structure....is the following sentence grammatically correct? [9]

Yes, grammatically acceptable. Sorry that I have done some mistakes. But every one do.

And no. As an author, it is to say that you have published the book, not a publisher. It is rather useless and most of all, prolix. And, anyways, it is not widely used nor understood in any specific derivations of the English language. Even Scottish, the most different-from-English-English, they do not use this kind of expression.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: THE INTERNET - problems or information? 'most powerful media' [5]

"First of all" phrase appears to be very useless. It determines lesser readers' devotion. In fact, most makers who see this, if it is an admission essay, eye at the post so very quickly and then pass it off.

Poetry / ESL art poem - Mona Lisa [9]

... Exactly what do you feel, Kevin? For I feel rather obscure his poem. I do not know where the rabbit really comes from, and how the basketball finds its way in and out throughout his poem. Maybe I am too unimaginative, but can anybody please explain?

Writing Feedback / People are moving in to the big cities for more comfortable and convenient life [10]

To prince303:
I have seen the word "Rat race" in your composition. How do you really define one? And why do you negatively state that nobody escapes the race? Are there no exceptions at all?


Judging from how your pronouns are placed, I anticipate that you have not proofread your composition. How many "them"s and "their"s are there? And how many plural identified subjects are there? It is easy to misunderstand and hard for readers to distinguish between subjects. Remember, overlapping subjects and ideas are quite to be penalized in literary English.

This essay is acceptable as for how grammatically correct it is. Yet to say, your theoretical argument is unsatisfying. Harmonious facilities are, of course, to be esteemed. However, they should also be blamed for making children lazier, decreasing their energy: cinema's hours of movie watching do slower the brain process (this has been proven by scientists).

I do not think that 2 paragraphs in the body can make the difference. Nonetheless, your two paragraphs have not expressed a good nor remarkable observance.

To milan2003_07:


Your "is/are" is unjust. While the word "reasons" appears to be plural, it is noticeable that the author has placed "One of" in preceding position. Therefore, it is unfathomable to use "are" here. Consequently saying, "is" is a perfect choice.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 : Fatherhood ought to be emphasised as much as motherhood. [9]

It is no use following useless and yet countless pieces of advice. Try your own way of writing. Nobody can compel you to one, and it is your very right to just create your style.

Writing Feedback / People are moving in to the big cities for more comfortable and convenient life [10]

Maybe I expressed this all wrong. What I am trying so hard to say is that maybe the rural area lacks facilities, but still there are games to play, gossips to endure time, etc. So this probably is not a good reason. That's what I think.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : Study abroad (advantages and disadvantages) [3]

Comments:

- Grammatical mistakes are quite visible, proving you not to have proofread. This field of errors includes many peculiar frames:
(1) spelling mistakes ("inresistance"),
(2) noun use ("coin"--which should be coins or a coin),
(3) possessives ("students's," "families's"),
(4) verb conflicts ("By studying overseas, students could have many chances..."--notice the word 'could' be used regardless of talking presently...),
(5) struggling structure ("would perfectly vital for overcoming"--notice the amiss "be" verb and the use of the preposition "for" and the gerund "overcoming"--or the sentence "The main drawback of it is, in my opinion, imposes financial burden on students's families."--noticing how the verb "be" is stated before "imposes", this sentence falls under two categories: tense conflict and struggling structure...)...

- Judging the meaning phase alone, your introduction is not quite tempting. It has a rather common approach to the problem, which seems to dry out fast.

- Your second paragraph, mentioning the advantages of studying abroad, should be divided by two. Two reasons are separately stated, and thus are inconceivable to be joint.

- Your third paragraph, the use of words is peculiar. Homesickness is not the irresistibleness, but homesickness is indispensable. It occurs oftentimes that people miss their hometown, their loved ones once being far away. Yet some can overcome such ordeals. Thus why can you use the word "irresistibility" or "irresistibleness"? (I believe this is what inresistance stands for?!)

- Your conclusion is relatively dried out. The speech is not compelling nor powerful enough to ensure readers' interest and lasting impression. The outlines are not adequate. Try to lengthen your conclusion telling more about the impacts that studying abroad brings about our lives.

- Anyhow, I anticipate your better work in the long run.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY : FINANCIAL AID TO DEVELOPING COUNTRIES [4]

I shall go to each paragraph OR struggling sentence and analyse your work in detail. Such is the action done that you will see why your marks are gained or lost.


The first sentence encourages both logical errors and grammatical errors. Logically saying, the 'gap' between countries is not clearly defined nor understood. Your readers will wonder, "What is that gap?" Grammatically saying, "increasingly" is an adverb, and an adverb should not accompany a noun to describe it. So your sentence should be changed to: "As commonly perceived (for a better vocabulary and word fluidity) , the gap between the economies of developed and developing countries increases instantaneously/continuously/constantly/..."

Your second sentence fails to prove accuracy of noun phrase. There is no such thing as "developed organizations".

Your third sentence is broken. The grammatical structure "can be the best" is to tell the capacity of something or some actions. Therefore, the phrase does not suit well here. Attempt to change it to another phrase or word, such as the simplified "is".

Your forth sentence is obscure. How on Earth--I wonder--does exploring the necessity of education determine the true degree of the statement you have stated above? This, I believe, should be neatly examined for the sake of better influence and greater impact.

Overall, your introduction is not quite compelling yet. The coherence of the introduction should be meliorated, for whether you believe it or not, the engagement of the introduction is the eye of the eagle--without it, no readers tend to continue reading (unless of course, your essay is being examined. This case, however, has a different way of wearing out: the teacher will not see any purpose for making your post with an exceeding grade).


Try to avoid the word "firstly", for it is so commonly used in examinations that it lessens the examiners' interest.

In your second sentence, notice that the word "lack" is either a noun or a verb, but not an adjective. The correct structure is "be lacking something" or "lack something". The second notification you need is that in education systems, the word "evaluation" is not used (because it conflicts with some mathematical expressions). We use the word "assessment" to express the act of gauging (evaluating) something.

Avoid rather useless phrases as "from this example, we learn something, blah, blah, blah". Try a closer approach (in this case, I have struck-through your phrase and thus have re-started the sentence with "It is obvious...").

Again, in that sentence, you must rewind your logical phase. It is unfair to say that without the help with education of developed countries, developing countries are never to be developed. In fact, some disparate countries such as Japan do not rely on the very support in the field to grow. Some countries try to "learn" (or for real, imitate) the educational system of developed countries and oftentimes succeed.

Your second paragraph demonstrates a fair view of why developed countries should not devote financial aids to developing countries. However, your perception does not grasp the whole of the field, and the use of language is not good enough. Then again, you can always do better than that.


I like your expression "there is no free lunch in the world". Is there? Ha, ha.

I can only heed your last sentence, which is not quite well-done. The word that grasps my attention is "totally". Developing countries do not rely TOTALLY on the support of powerful countries. No developing countries do. This sentence should be revised, changed, and adapted to a better sentence with fewer logical conflicts.

Anyhow, well done on this paragraph. Gee--cheers! But is it too short to be conflicting? Support your ideas with local evidence.


Why do SO many people find THE phrase "In conclusion" indispensable? I say, you erase the word or rephrase or use another phrase. The phrase "In conclusion" is used so usually that we find no attraction in between the sets.

Try a more communicative word than "alter". To alter means to change, not to improve. Here is some that I think might help: improve/meliorate/better/mend/ameliorate/amend/beautify/fine-tune/dist ill (or distil if you are British-English learner)/build/fructify/advance/upgrade/refine/... So many words are there, why try to use "alter"?

I find your post, however, exceptional in many ways. As it adopts much fewer errors, it is worth cheering already. The language seems to flow fluidly in some spots, which is just about enough (otherwise you would be SO outstanding). Try to lengthen your conclusion and add a lasting impression.

The marks I give you are:
(1) 5/9 on Arguments,
(2) 6/9 on Ideas and Evidence,
(3) 5/9 on Communicative Quality and Vocabulary and Sentence Structure,
all of which make quite a final band of 5.3 for Task 2 of an example IELTS test.

However, I should notify you that real examiners take it much more seriously but will mark your post much easier than I have. So you should expect about 5.3++ on this area.

Edit: Try a closer, more engaging approach (and talk directly).

Writing Feedback / Students should be required to attend classes; may need explanations of teachers [5]

The communication skill isnot only helps students not only in studying period, but ...

... I believe that the university students should ...

* Your thesis statements are missing. This makes your composition amiss in many, many respects. Grammatical errors are virtually everywhere.
* Take a brief proofreading to assure approximate accuracy next time.
* I anticipate better work in the near future.

Writing Feedback / (Disease) Prevention is better than cure. [6]


I believe a paragraph has a beginning, especially formal or ideological one. You said you acceded to the statement (notice the use of "state" is initially inconceivable, perhaps doubt-arousing that the composer uses dictionaries during practical session of phrasing), though, as I notice, the statement is not brought up nor identical to any precedence. Avoiding such incomprehensible errors saves much points at times of marking.


The phrase 'diseases such as' is, linguistically saying in consideration of the purporting instances that follow, absurd i.e. ridiculously unreasonable. Notice that you can prevent diseases BY (not 'such as') cleaning hands regularly, etc, etc. An unreasonable, not-yet-proofread version of prepositions may result in meaninglessness or incoherence of arguments. Also, examples taken up and marked in red tell that you have not a careful scrutiny into your arguments and further prove that you may probably be referring to thesauruses--as referred to in the comments for the first paragraph.

Furthermore, the phrase bold-in-red proves clumsy in language usage and lackluster in other phases. A four-word phrase should be altered to two words' worth of reading, for prolonging such sentences/phrases/etc. is rather senseless and frankly worthless. Finally (at least considering lexical need), the word in bold itself demonstrates a fair need to be refined.

As for the content of the paragraph to say, arguments come with examples: yours lack examples--specific examples.


Reddened words and phrases are noticeably clumsy. 'so good' is lackluster; often I find 'being examined by the doctors' an awkwardly written phrase. Perhaps 'going to the doctor' is a better, more sound affirmation of words. 'make people get' is rather unlikely: for it can be rephrased as 'get people.' Also, 'treating process' is rather enduring: changeable to treatment, fitting yet the sentence more deeply sound.


Note that 'every one' should be, in modern dictation, 'everyone' without any space. Perhaps it is a small piece, but such pieces often prove of great importance once it comes to marking. The noun 'illness' is, throughout your composition, parallel i.e. they are not the same in places. Such tasks of maintaining same notions (as to whether illness is countable) are rather valuable, for it marks a careful person, and gives out good signals to the judges.

Your essay, if I may say so, appears lackluster in many ways, yet in some ways it is particular. Your vocabulary proves worse and worse as the essay proceeds, but a good range of peculiarity--for I notice, since 'state'--is used as a good tool.

I anticipate a better writing next time.

Undergraduate / UCF Admission Essay...[What qualities do I possess...] [14]

Whether or not you'd read the next few lines I have attached below, it is for you to know that my criticism sometimes is not very tolerable--I say what I need to say, I hear what I need to hear, and I write, I criticize what I need to write and to criticize. Now, bearing this in mind, I would not like it if you best to feeling unwell, unsound, or even underestimated. I do not underestimate anybody, though I anticipate little much of all people.

As Kevin has said, "show, don't tell." Well, very much of your mere wording is of telling--you forgot to showcase your ability. Furthermore, it occurred to me that you are writing about a perfectionism that your admissions officers are believed to like. The honesty is not clearly addressed in this essay.

A book entitled 'Essays that will get you into Business Schools' read, "Be yourself, and leave the rest for the admissions officers." Now what I recommended ALL the applicants that have gone to me for help and correction is that you have to show honesty--and sometimes, people take it to addressing their mistakes and debilities in life. You, on the other hand, showed quite an arrogance--if I may say so--towards your style of living. I have one quote I'd like to share: "Being unique is easy--after all, you are one unique being. But showcasing the differences that seat you out is harder." Harder, because it can be turned into a papered arrogance, it can be performed as an act of mere lying. Well, there you have gone, and there you need to turn back.

I would not elaborate further, because as you have seen, my feeling is not quite subtle. But the title that I have listed in previous line is quite an interesting guidance that can lead you to ultimate acceptance. It has helped many generations and I believe it can sharp your essay into quite an interesting piece.

That is all I have to say, and if you feel little offended, I am deeply sorry, though I still believe that it can brace you with better knowledge about admissions officers.

Undergraduate / "Confessions of a poor student" [20]

The beginnings and the supporting of your paragraph are connective, lovely, and rather much, very honest. Thou in the "please don't..." and followings' sentence, it occurs to me that you sound like pleading. The positivity maintains not by pleading; and to reassure you, if you do not ensure such a sentence--or a single word, "please" in this case--is incinerated, the possibility of your acceptance can be costly reduced.


Kevin, his work is limited to a 1200-character piece, so he cannot--or should not--prolong the lead anymore. The contents, nonetheless, lack demonstration as pointed.

@roygbiv: A student of such interest is rare--very rare indeed. But a pupil of combined interest and good composing is thunder-roaring and scarce. Cheers to your forthcoming success.

Research Papers / My Scientific Method: steps and procedures (research) [6]

The scientific method you have composed is quite a fascinating read. You address your interests, your personalities, your makings, your beliefs, your everything into the paperwork simply by enduring a single, rather well-known method. Intelligence must have led the way through. Then again, looking at an intellectual's piece of work, it strikes me deep: for very often, intellectuals miss the single most important thing--connections. Everything, if you use your mind so creatively, should be dragged together in a compelling way of writing, yet everything here is merely everything--not whole, but not individuals either. Try to use few connections to brace your arts and crafts with a more desirous look and read.

However to say, I love how you use your scientific grounds so completely creatively. I was stunned at first to frankly say: You are a rare talent indeed. Good luck with your application, I believe it will rest under the "accepted" category at the first read.

P.s. One more thing I need to add, you must avoid using so many times a word over and over again in so small a length of writing. "ambitious" can be interchanged by "aspirational" in ways that suit your composition perfectly.

Undergraduate / "Confessions of a poor student" [20]

I'd rather not, when it comes to paragraphing. The paraphrasing would be very hard then, and much, much more efforts would have to be devoted to it. For one thing, it can take a huge amount of effort to avoid making your composition look like some disparate sentences being gripped together into one rather dismayed piece of writing. For another, one paragraph can make the effort seemingly lesser and somewhat affordable and doable and easier to impress readers than an entire set of paragraphs.

Just some recommendations I'd add. Think it might help. Good luck!

Undergraduate / "Confessions of a poor student" [20]


I suppose so. Ya, perhaps it is. Thou still, I notice that his paragraph is quite normal, not so long, not so short... Good size.

Writing Feedback / Topic: What is one great question that every well-educated person should ask? [6]

Same name, haven't we? So let's see if we have the same lead of style.

... a huge amount of knowledge have been greatly extoled and considered magnates.

The word 'extoled' is meaningless. To mean 'glorify,' please use 'extolled' instead. Misspellings are one of the major problems that reduce marks in essays. Also, the connection between 'contribution to societies' and the question is rather implicit. Just for an example, I'd like to contribute a rephrased paragraph for your consideration:

For as long as mankind considers recallable, knowledge has played such a crucial role in our society. No matter what, people who has successfully accumulated a vital amount of knowledge are always extolled in different glorification. Yet the single most important factor to determine the honor is not their cognition, but their contribution to our planet. Thus an essential question pops, "In what ways can I implement knowledge?"

However, Johnsy was totally ill and renounced her belief because of a harsh life of an artist.

It was still there though it did severely rain the night before!

Although being considered as "a failure in art", not painting any famous masterpieces ...

Your retelling of a story is not brief enough. Some of the obscurities have been marked in bold. Please refer to these specific spots to chance your style of writing a new brightness and vividness.

Nobody is a 'failure in art.' That phrase is rather uncommon and not preferable. It objects the entity with a harsh fall of discouragement and incredulity. You are not ever to reuse this phrase again, if you do not want to be punched, or rather endangered. Those who are easily offended might take the greatest exception to that.

The character Behrman of "The last leaf" does not only exist in the literature world; there are many versions of Behrman always wondering how they can use their knowledge soon find out the most suitable way.

For instances , Mother Teresa was one of the most extoled Christians. She devoted all time of her life-over 45 years- to ministering many people in India.

The two reddened sentences demonstrate a troubled struggle of phrasing.
A common error occurs: "other". "Other", without an 's,' is an adjective, or a singular noun replacement.

Although we can not be astute as Galileo or have such great passion ...
... ministering patient at local hospital can be considered very well - educated one .
... also for donation to help orphaned children is really well-educated person .
We are all well - educated people if we know which way can we apply our knowledge to make a better life .

Your conclusion proves rather lackluster and well, not noticeably memorable. As your composition dies out, your grammatical accuracy withers and at the very end there are so many errors that the read is made poor.

Try to imply ideas richer and deeper, to convey words that are more than mere words. The very subject discussed here is worth such a desire.

Writing Feedback / Topic: What is one great question that every well-educated person should ask? [6]

A quick note before I start, revise your use of punctuations (the colon that you have placed there), for it seems to me that you have not a clear notion of what punctuations are to be used. A colon, in this case, is wrongly placed, for a colon only comes after a structured, meaningful sentence, and yours does not imply full meanings yet.

Anyhow, about improving your writing style, there is no need, because I see your style is functional enough to prove good, yet good only when it comes to writing. To make a masterpiece, it is a matter of practice of which you lack and from which you can withdraw your experiences in time to come. To make your writing more coherent, you need to extract the vocabulary out of your mind, brace it for the use in the composition, then leave it to go flooding out, after which you need to have a careful proofreading. Then again, they say, that your style is a mingling combination of writing and reading. Some of the books--and books, not audiobooks for the use of entertainment--that I recommend is, Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick; Lord of The Ring Trilogy by J. R. R. Tolkien (in case you haven't read it yet, which I find possible for you are probably Vietnamese); The Inheritance Cycle by Christopher Paolini; Harry Potter (in English, for it is a masterpiece and the Vietnamese version of the books is so popular you should have read it by now), by J. K. Rowling; The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown (if you are equal to, or above Advanced Level of IELTS, or TOELF); A Game of Thrones by George R. R. Martin; 1984 by George Orwell; and so on. In case you want to improve your listening, I recommend movies: Charmed (1999~2008) series, a really, really lovely movie of fantasies, concerning witchcraft; Lost... Listen to the Oprah Winfrey's Show--the compere of which has very much been an inspiration of my life. These are really good. Try some, and you might not be able to resist...

LOL!

Undergraduate / Common app personal essay--footprints in the sand [4]

I suggest you move your introduction to elsewhere, and thus open the composition with a direct approach. It sounds much realer, better, and more literary to say the least.

The comparison of the provisioned sand and the washing tides of the waving blue water is a mere perfection, of that I was sure. Then again, you need to work on the approach. You don't need to sound too big, and not too humble either.

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Topic: Which is the most effective method to bring people to peace? [7]

Two examples placed in one paragraph may result in lengthened paragraph and thus lesser-compelling writing. Try to be more coherent, precise and condensed. One of your instances, if to be judged, is too, too general to quiver in the high branch of an argumentative essay.

Writing Feedback / The best way to improve education is to raise teacher's salary. [4]

I do not have a full read at your composition, and sorry for that Cui. Anyhow, as I read and process through your introduction and your second paragraph, I find that there are so, so many mistakes made thoughtlessly. And another thing that I find abundant is vocabulary. Some of my fellows possess good, very accurate grammar, yet their vocabulary is lacking. Still they compose a fine piece of writing, though still it lacks of complex words and prolonged structures. Then again, your case strikes me that your grammar does not equal your vocabulary, that the thing to be worked on is grammar in this case.

I do not like saying this to anybody, but you need to start all over again from grammar, only after succeeding in which will you be proceeding vocabulary enrichment. During this re-working time, you cannot be writing fine essays, but rather small pieces of paragraphs. Make as many mistakes as possible, but do not fear, yet do not be fooling around with quite an advanced journey like compositions. Convey your ideas through paragraphs, then long ones, then after that a full composition. Take steps, don't take jumps and sped rays.

Again, this is only a recommendation, which I find intellectually adept at your case. I believe it will help, but I do not want to bring arguments nor fight.

Thanks.

Writing Feedback / Topic: Which is the most effective method to bring people to peace? [7]

^ I will be attending that soon, but not now, since I am butting myself into some serious schoolwork...

Undergraduate / "Math comes naturally to m" - help me and revise my UMD essay [6]

Your answer to the question is a straight answer, the approach of which feels confident and eloquent. However, you prove to be more of a theoretical speaker than a demonstrative one. This means, that you have not demonstrated a clear vision of how Trigonometry has sounded 'not very hard'.

Now, as for me to say, I do not find your reason very attention evoking. Now say, I like people who like challenges, and most admission officers do. Now if you write about what challenges you most in Mathematics, that would perhaps be a nicer approach and a more interesting way of expressing how you have been seeking higher education towards your firm Mathematics 'destiny', for the lack of a better term.

Thus far, that has been what I have in mind. Let's see what others have to say.