Undergraduate / "The City in a Cloud" - (topic of my choice) Common App Essay [5]

Please critique and help me fix my grammar mistakes in this huge mess of an essay.
Please please please...
I don't know what to make of it. THank you guys so much!
This was the topic of my choice.

Student Decisions in The City in a Cloud

Rain. The drops of water that falls seemingly effortlessly from the sky Sometimes it is heavy, it has so many drops that it feels like monotonous river is being poured out from the sky and falling on my thin black umbrella. Sometimes it is slow, just small droplets spread wide apart. It can cause a flood after intense rain which can shatter not only a small village in Mexico but the strategically designed skyscrapers of Chicago. Rain can also help give birth to a new existences; it provides plants with their food, acts as the ultimate cleanser of impurities, and is essential to humans and other life.

That day was much like any other. It began as a sweet morning of clichés as the chirps of birds and the dainty flashes of butterflies dotted the bright freshly cut grass. I did not see the simple beauty; instead, I was getting ready for another tedious trip to the city that I accompanied my parents. As our sturdy 1995 Toyota Camry rolled down the street, I prepared myself for the cumbersome two hours by plugging my ears with the brazen hip-hop sounds. Soon, my eyelids became more and more affected by gravity and finally, they closed, satisfied.

Water balloons. Were they being thrown at the car? My heavy eyes opened and I blinked once. Once again. The blurs of grays and cacophonous crashes of waves and torrents did not clear up. I realized the sun had hid itself behind the thick mattress of clouds and the balloons being thrown at my window was the harrowing rain falling and breaking like thin sheets of glass on the car.

Mindlessly, I looked at the window. The drops of water were thrown on the top left corner and each pearl of liquid cascaded slowly down the window. Sometimes the drop joined with another and escalated down towards the end where my line of vision ended. Every so often a raindrop just slowed down and stopped. Other times it just steadily flowed down alone.

Perhaps it is banal to compare myself to this multitude of little senseless molecules but as the light reflected and I saw my eyes staring back at me from the window I could relate to them in more ways than one. Like the drops on the window, sometimes I work better alone or with other people, but the end, that line on the window where the drops all disappeared to, will always be the same. My goal is to make this unknown into something meaningful.

Rain is formed from the water vapor that has gathered in the clouds. As they fall, there is no telling where they will land or how they will fall. Perhaps they will be part of a light tappity tap tap that creates a double rainbow over Central Park, a thankful splattering over a long lasting drought in East Africa, or maybe even a devastating hurricane from the Atlantic. The raindrops all come from the same traveling clouds but land in such diverse places and have different consequences. Some of the rain will hit the ground and soak into the dirt. Others will run back into the ocean, rivers and lakes. Then the cycle will repeat again; the water will evaporate, fill up the clouds and rain will form again.

In a way, I am very much like these raindrops. The rain has seen so much of the world in varying ways. As someone who has been to more than 16 different countries and 9 different schools, including public, parochial, private, international, and boarding, I have interacted with different cultures, ethnicities, and races; after some time, I have learned to develop my own self- identity, without conforming to stereotypes because of my wide view of human nature, but also accept and appreciate the perspectives of other people.

The decisions I make a student, a community partner, a leader, and ultimately as a person have an effect on my life and the lives of the future generations. I have the ability to change society for the better or worse. This means I do not only contribute to the 'greater good' but also small measures of happiness that gives someone something to smile about

The car trip ended like the many others; the storm ended and eventually we returned home under the cover of darkness. Although for the raindrops it may be up to fate to land them in their situation, I am someone that will work to use my experiences, adaptability, and compassion to strive to make our world a better place.

Undergraduate / "Dancing Clams" - New common app Review [13]

Hi guys, I'm stressing out about my essay so I wrote another common app essay. Please help me correct and edit this. and be blunt! THanks! Please tell me if it reflects who I am enough

Dancing Clams

I stared down at my bowl of translucent, flavorless clam soup. "This was alive before?" My mom, after glancing at my wide eyes, hesitated, but nodded. Moments earlier, I had poked at the soup, making ripples in the liquid but uninterested in tasting it, until I noticed features on the soft, fleshy texture inside the clam. There were two small circles looked like eyes, pointing upward. At the young of five, I had already begun to have a constant flow of questions .Why did our food look like it had eyes? I asked my mom if it breathed. I thought that only humans like me were able to breathe and have feelings. I almost felt as if I was the clam...being shoved into someone's soup

"Well...it was probably alive before, but not anymore," she said. "We eat things that have feelings?!" I pointed at a dish with a chunky stew. "Is that alive too?" My mom tried to tell me that beef was meant to be eaten, but it was too late. Images of clams dancing around each other with wide smiles filled my mind. A baby clam with a mommy clam laughing with each other. Was this clam in my soup separated from its mother? The pictures in my mind made me pity the clam achingly, because I couldn't bear to be taken away from my mom. I refused to eat the rest of my dinner; I sat silently, glaring at the other customers in the restaurant; did they know what they were eating?

As time went on, the sensitivity and attention to detail I had as a little girl continued to be part of me. I could imagine and identify with another's emotions so deeply that my parents could not take me near an animal shelter because I would simply burst into tears. By the time I was in fifth grade, I had convinced my parents to allow me to try vegetarianism. These ideas eventually led me to develop empathy for not only animals, but the world surrounding me. Whatever situation I come into, I always examine it from everyone's perspective and choose an action that benefit positively.

One early winter morning in seventh grade, a lone girl wearing an unsightly bright orange pantsuit entered the room and sat down. Whispers arose from the room as we wondered who she was and why she was here. When the teacher asked her to introduce herself, she slowly stood up beside her desk and whispered in a light tilt, "My name is Talitha; I just arrived from India last week." She stood up from her seat every time the teacher addressed her. A boy behind her deliberately moved his desk farther away from her and even though she tried to ignore it, I knew she was hurt. I knew what it was like to be in an unfriendly and new environment after changing to international school for a few years because of my dad's business. During recess, a few girls cruelly imitated her accent and asked her where she got her orange jacket because they thought it was just "so cute." I felt my stomach churn at their spitefulness and refusals to neither accept nor tolerate her. When the teacher asked someone to take her to her bus at the end of the day, I immediately volunteered. On our way out, I asked her about her interests and hobbies and shared some information about the activities at our school. Although she was reluctant to talk at first, she eventually opened up to me after a few days and because I kept trying to include her in my own friend group, we eventually became close friends.

Carrying this empathy to my future, I can only help society by my consistent desire to form bonds of validation with what others are experiencing. This strong emotion inspires me to take action and ultimately, make changes, big and small, to better the future for us and those after us.

Undergraduate / Blank Canvas - COMMON APP EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITY [11]

URGENT! PLEASE HELP CRITIQUE SHORT ANSWER
Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer).

Leaves fall gently around me, rustling as they pile up into stunning collages of gold and red. They whisper a tearful goodbye in different voices to the already vanished summer as they flutter to the ground. There is a breeze that make ripples on a lake nearby that rustle the reflections of the trees, making it seem like a mystical blend of another world. The scene draws me deeper and a heavy cloud of nostalgia overcomes me. Nature knows this exquisite beauty will soon be drained by the harsh winter. The melody of Chant d'automne by Tchaikovsky takes me to this everlasting scene. Through ten years of piano, music has been a window to my every joy and motivation; it continues to teach me this form of harmony and take me to undiscovered places. To me, music is a blank canvas; there are so many possibilities waiting to be painted.

Undergraduate / "my intended Biochemistry major and languages" Boston University Short Answer [5]

Short Essay: In five or six sentences, tell us how you first became interested in BU and what steps you have taken to learn more about us.

In my search for a university, I desired not only to find a place specific programs that would suit my interests of study but also one with a broad range of opinions, places, and opportunities that I could explore. In my lifetime, I have already traveled to twenty-three countries which has strengthened my inner passion for open-mindedness and diversity. The first step was location: Where else but a student- friendly city like Boston would I find a place that offers internships and community service projects that I covet? The next step was finding the college that would fit me best: I was immediately struck by Boston University's ability to integrate itself into the surrounding city. Delving deeper, I discovered many programs that are perfect for me, especially the Dresden Internship Program which molds to my intended Biochemistry major as well as my love for learning new languages. I took one more look at the white of red letters of Boston University, saw myself in the community -from walking with my friends along the river, listening to Stravinsky and Bartók at Symphony Hall, singing with the Glee Club, to working alongside my devoted peers and faculty- and I knew it was the place for me.

Undergraduate / Carnegie Mellon Supplement "A Strong Foundation" [5]

Please help me edit my essay, I will comment back. I know its too long but I don't know what to cut out. Please criticize.

Heres the prompt: Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay.

Walking down the polished hallway, I enter one of the many doors. Once inside, I take my white lab coat and goggles off their hook and put them on. I put on my gloves and enter the meticulous lab ready for research. A white- haired man approaches me, smiles, and says, "Are you ready?" I smile back and nod. There is no doubt that I am as ready as I ever shall be.

In every successful endeavor, there must be a solid foundation. This foundation must be able to resist the harsh winds and biting chills of criticism and failure. It must never give in or give up. If accepted as an undergraduate at Mellon College of Science (MCS) or Carnegie Institute of Technology (CIT) with the intended major of biochemistry and biotechnology or biomedical engineering, my goal will be to continue to build this unyielding foundation to prepare myself for a career to benefit society. In my desire to find an institution that will help me build this strong foundation, I have discovered that Carnegie Mellon is suited to my every need.

My foundation begins with interest. My first childhood memories are of waiting for my grandmother to come home from work so she could play with me. One day, my grandfather took me on a field trip to visit her. I knew she worked at the hospital but that was about it. Instead, we entered a completely different section of the hospital that I later found out that this was the pharmaceutical research department. When we reached the place where my grandmother was working, I was shocked at how different she looked. She was covered in her long white lab coat and white pants. The room was filled with rows and rows of long desks filled with strangers wearing the same uniform. Some of them were writing in notebooks, others were measuring out liquids into long test tubes and mixing them, while others were simply observing the bubbling liquid in front of them. Although I don't remember the rest of that day clearly, I know I was immediately fascinated by the scene in front of me. From that day on, I have felt a pulling curiosity to the profession of research. The idea of being able to contribute positively to knowledge itself lured me. With an early interest in chemistry, I went on to attend John Hopkins University's CTY Program and take Fast- Paced Chemistry before my freshman year in high school. I was intrigued by the properties of liquid nitrogen, why gluconic acid is converted to sodium gluconate in the presence of sodium hydroxide, and many other things. While chemistry interested me, when I discovered the world of cells and organisms my freshman year, I was captivated. To be able to research proteins and DNA and actually build and design artificial organs that work as well as real ones seemed to be a dream come true

The opportunities that I will discover at Carnegie Mellon are incomparable. By interacting and being able to help research (as an undergraduate!) with renowned faculty, I will be able to absorb the unsurpassable knowledge from their fountain of experience. Aside from faculty, my classrooms will be filled with my peers that not only share my determination but also offer me vast sources of diverse opinions that will not quell, but rather expand my intellectual curiosity. These opportunities will allow me to take advantage of as well as contribute to the CMU community.

While my interests lie in these fields of research that does not mean that there is any sort of dead end to what I am interested in. I will study abroad at the Imperial College in London or at the Ecole Polytechnique Federale in Lausanne, Switzerland to further myself in my education as well as immerse myself in an entirely new culture and new language. It is these experiences that will help me exceed the expectations that are set for me and let me explore my interests much more deeply and thoroughly. In addition to this, attending CMU gives me the chance to extend my high school volunteering which consisted mostly of the heading the local animal shelter volunteer program, being part of BigSib LittleSib, as well as other various projects. At CMU, I am able to take an Alternative Spring Break to participate in service- learning in places that I've never been to, such as Peru or even Louisiana to help our society improve by building homes and providing resources.

Soon after graduating, I imagine myself as a graduate student working alongside a fascinating professor on his research team. Each individual on this competitive team that I will be part of will most certainly be equal in his or her experience, determination and effort. However, I know it is because of Carnegie Mellon University that I will be able to look back at my professor confidently and smile because in essence, my foundation is strong, solid, and unbreakable.

Undergraduate / A Second Chance; Rutgers App / personal enrichment or career goals [3]

Essay topic: Please use the space below to tell us how you believe a Rutgers education will help you achieve your personal enrichment or career goals.

I feel like I really needed to explain why i sort of screw up in college at first and why i wanted to attend rutgers now.

Heres my essay:
Instead of feeling gracious and ambitious after graduating from [school], a world- renowned boarding school, I felt lost and uninspired. I remember looking at my peers during graduation and feeling a sense of dissatisfaction and despair; I felt alone. Everyone looked like they had a cause to sprint towards and here I was, walking during the last mile of the marathon. Instead of choosing any one of the numerous schools on the east coast near home, I chose a tiny school in the Midwest because I needed to get away. My parents' imminent divorce loomed nearby like the many tornadoes that just missed my school in Indiana that year. My dedication for my studies and passions that I had so willingly pursued in high school subsided as my dread of my surroundings increased. My college was a fantastic school but I knew everyone within a week and there was a substantial lack of room for growth. I felt smothered by the lack of diversity and the lack of understanding from my classmates about my background. Transitioning from the vibrant community of my high school to the dreary, windowless hallways was a feat that I did not want to accomplish. Over the summer, I dread the days that passed because it lead me closer to when I would return to Indiana but yet I did not want to stay at home and cause any more discontent in my family because of the already brewing disaster. Finally, almost a year later, a tremendously depressing time for me, an email from my parents confirmed the worst; the tension had risen to the highest point and the announcement of their separation crushed me. At this point, I found that there was no reason for me to stay in this smothering environment where I felt like I could not reach my full potential.

After coming home, I had to make a decision about which college I wanted to go to around here. I remember driving down Easton Ave early March to go to a part time job interview; I had just hit the traffic that comes around to downtown New Brunswick every afternoon. More importantly, I got a chance to see the colorful students, each wearing their own sort of backpack, each heading their own separate directions, either alone or together, each an individual. At that moment, I felt a glowing sense of relief; I realized what was missing in my college and high school experience: it was the opportunity to discover oneself. At college, we were pressured to conform; everyone had the same backpack, the same laptop, and we were encouraged to go down the same career path. Although that path is a sought- after and lucrative achievement, there was a lack of room for me to explore what I really wanted to do. In high school, they pushed us to succeed but again, it was a one track road, with little room for bending or straying.

What I have realized that Rutgers can give me, is the room to grow and the right environment to achieve. I am extremely interested in the current science field with our new technology and new information. The opportunity to study alongside researchers from such a huge university would be a life-changing experience. Furthermore, the chance to contribute to the energy, vibrancy, and diversity of Rutgers, both with my own experiences and my passions, is something I haven't been able to experience at such small schools. Rutgers gives me the platform to achieve something greater due to such a large alumni network; this is revealed in the tremendous amount of pride and school spirit the both the students and alumni share. I can see the pride in my mother's voice when she talks about the experience she had attending Rutgers. Attending this university would be a second chance for me, something I could not possibly be more grateful for, to be in an environment with such a broad range of opinions, places, and opportunities where I could immerse myself comfortably and achieve my dreams.