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Posts by MirayPhilips
Joined: Nov 15, 2010
Last Post: Jan 5, 2011
Threads: 5
Posts: 35  
From: Kuwait

Displayed posts: 40
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MirayPhilips   
Nov 15, 2010
Undergraduate / "My mother, a doctor" - Who impacted your life Essay - Texas University. [2]

Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.

Through the seventeen years that I have existed, I have met several people who had a major impact on my life. They all taught me essential things like the importance of self respect, the significance of knowledge and the relevance of friends and belief. However, my parents took all of those lessons one step further; they taught me self admiration, the significance of knowledge academically and in life. They taught me the importance of commitment, but most importantly, they taught me how to believe and have faith.

Although both my parents have impacted my life equally, my mother has contributed to my development since I was merely a fetus. The idea that it is difficult to appreciate a mother's effort in raising a child until one becomes a parent themselves is what I always believed in. Last summer, I was given the opportunity to be a "parent" for exactly 10 minutes. My cousin asked me to watch over her one-year old daughter until she finished off chores. During those 10 minutes I was struggling to hold the baby with one hand, bend down to grab a toy that fell and at the same time make sure the baby does not hit the cupboard next to me or fall to the floor. I tried bending down in several different ways but failed miserably. I gave up, and decided to place the baby in her kitchen chair. As I turned around to pick up the toy that fell, my cousin walked in the kitchen and screamed in distress at the image of her baby standing on the chair. I, of course, did not realize how dangerous it could be if I did not strap the baby in her chair. I am still quite shocked at a mother's outstanding ability, tolerance and patience to watch over a baby for all 24 hours of the day. My mother's ability to not drop me as a baby or not allow me to injure myself because of any abrupt movements absolutely baffles me. I only hope to be as good as my mother was at raising a child as I am very proud of how she raised me.

My parents have always been proud of my brother's and my outstanding academical achievements. However, it is only the smallest way to thank them for all the effort they put in us to ensure that we get the best education possible. Although, there are several public schools in Kuwait, my parents decided that they would spend most of their income on our education and therefore submitted us to one of the best English system schools in Kuwait, New English School. As University requires a larger amount of money, I was surprised when they decided that they will spend all their income to send us to America to pursue an exceptional education.

My mother has also impacted my ambitions and dreams. As she is an anesthesiologist, on several occasions I have seen women walk up to my mother and show her their new baby that she helped deliver. I see appreciation emanate from my mother's face in the form of a smile as she holds the baby knowing that with the power of medicine she has introduced a new life to the world. One day, I hope to be the person that gets stopped in the streets and be thanked for the great deed I have done for someone and be reminded that I have changed someone's life the way my mother has.

As my mother is a doctor, I have spent several afternoons listening to her talk about successful surgeries, diseases, complications and the new advanced equipment she uses. Initially, her words seem to be undecipherable as it is in a completely different language other than a combination of English and Arabic, it is in the language of medicine. Gradually I began to understand basic phrases like "cholecystectomy" and "anaphylactic shock" and every time I understood a new phrase I became more determined to be the one talking rather than just the listener.

My mother is really important to me and I realize that no matter how many thank yous I tell her that they will never compensate for the suffering she went through to raise me to become the person I am today.

Please edit any grammer mistakes, any sentences that do not read smoothly and please suggest ways to improve the vocab or any paragraphs.

Thank you!
MirayPhilips   
Dec 10, 2010
Undergraduate / "Faith (from India)" - UChicago essay_Find x [4]

I wrote an essay about this too. I love the idea of the essay and your vocabulary but I thought that maybe you should refer to "find x" more than just once...
MirayPhilips   
Dec 10, 2010
Undergraduate / Why Literature, Science & Arts? - University of Michigan Ann Arbor [4]

Describe the unique qualities that attract you to the specific undergraduate College or School (including preferred admission and dual degree programs) to which you are applying at the University of Michigan. How would that curriculum support your interests? (500 words maximum)

Please read this and post a comment ASAP, I need to send this in by tomorrow!

University of Michigan is definitely one of the most prestigious universities which is portrayed by being ranked 15th on the world. I am applying to the college of Literature, Science and Arts and I hope to major in Psychology as preparation for the Medicine Graduate School.

The College of Literature, Science and Arts definitely has several unique qualities that I am attracted to. First of all, I love how this college provides an extremely wide variety of majors and minors including Asian languages and cultures, political science and psychology. Not only are there a wide range of majors but they are also very unique and rare that many other Universities do not offer them. I believe that by offering such a wide range of majors, which in turn means a wide range of courses, this allows the students to expand their knowledge beyond their field of study. This will allow me to graduate better-rounded which I believe is important for success in the future.

One of my interests is how people behave and how environment and attitude affects one's life drastically. I am aware that the Psychology department in University of Michigan provides a wide range of courses including Psychological Perspectives on Culture and Ethnicity, Psychology and Spiritual Development and Developmental Disturbances of Childhood. This department obviously does not fail to interest the students to a level deeper than just the basic level of psychology. I believe that these courses that are provided will allow me to understand in depth my own behavior and body as well as understand the people around me. As I also hope to become a doctor later on, I only think that by majoring Psychology I will be able to have a better understanding of my patients and be able to approach them in a correct manner to help them heal.

University of Michigan Ann Arbor allows the transition between high school and college to run smoothly by creating smaller communities such as the Health Sciences Scholars Program. Not only does this program unite students who have the same interests but it also allows these students to begin their pre-health journey and understand the world of medicine at an earlier stage. This program offers a health-oriented, diverse, and an interesting learning community and I believe that this program is ideal for me as I am interested in pursuing a career in medicine. As I come from quite a small school which means a very small community, the idea of a program that creates a smaller community in such a large student-town is very appealing.

Overall, the college of Literature, Science and Arts has several qualities that are very captivating including but are not limited to programs which ease the transmission into university, a diverse community and an intellectual society in which I can be introduced to the world of medicine. What the University of Michigan and specifically the college of Literature, Science and Arts provides is definitely what I have always wanted in a university!

Please edit any grammer mistakes and comment on whether this essay answers the question properly. I'm also not completely sure about the conclusion.

Thank you!
MirayPhilips   
Dec 10, 2010
Undergraduate / "My experience at the Hospital" Common application [4]

Absolutely loved it!

but as long as long as I have the heart whichwanting wants to help people, I will someday make my dream come true.

I think this sounds better...
Goodluck!
MirayPhilips   
Dec 10, 2010
Undergraduate / Why Literature, Science & Arts? - University of Michigan Ann Arbor [4]

wwd: cause those are the subjects im interested in... physics maths and whatever is way too basic... my english teacher is fed up of me :P and yeah I'm not native. Thanks a lot though! I'll edit those and change them around a bit..

hahoonh: thank you! I guess I could try being a bit more specific then :P
MirayPhilips   
Dec 10, 2010
Undergraduate / Does age matter?---my main essay for Common App [7]

Indeed, age does matter if I take it as an excuse of failure, but it doesn't matter when taken as a motivation which later instilled into every inch of my life.

This should be in the end as a conclusion, it feels extremely out of place right there in the middle of the paragraph.

Apart from that I think the rest is fine.. :)
MirayPhilips   
Dec 11, 2010
Undergraduate / "my preferred type of learning and community" - Why University of Chicago? [6]

How does the University of Chicago, as you know it now, satisfy your desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future? Please address with some specificity your own wishes and how they relate to Chicago. (Two paragraphs)

I need to send this in by tomorrow! Please comment on it and edit any mistakes. I appreciate constructive criticism.

I first visited Chicago last summer, and only naturally, I was attracted to the university because of the city's beautiful scenery, captivating history, neo-gothic buildings and definitely its people. I was absolutely baffled and I so casually thought to myself that I wanted to go to University of Chicago, not fully aware of how prestigious it actually is. However, when I went back to Kuwait, I started researching the University of Chicago and I was completely captivated by its reputation. University of Chicago is not just prestigious and in a beautiful city, it is far beyond that and President Robert J. Zimmer proves that by saying, "We must ensure that our scholarly community is composed of a rich mix of individuals who, through their own distinctive viewpoints, contribute to the intellectually challenging culture of the University." As a person who challenges almost every idea or concept presented by a teacher or my parents, and whose conversations are almost always debates, the president's quote was extremely enthralling. I believe that the University of Chicago strives to create a society where individuals learn by being encouraged to speak their minds and transform rules into theories, and this is how I want to learn. I do not want to be spoon-fed information but rather research it, discuss it, experience it and then learn it and use it to grow in my field of study. Honestly, I think University of Chicago is one of the very few universities that encourage this type of learning.

As I grew up in an Islamic country, I was discriminated against as a youngster because I was Christian. I am aware that University of Chicago is very diverse and the mere fact that it refused to prejudice against black people and Jews at a time where this was normal, shows how this university is strict on diversity and equality and this is extremely essential to me. Although I come from a very small school, my school consisted of about 50 different nationalities and I cannot imagine carrying on my education in a place where diversity is not as important to the university as it is to me. Another quality in University of Chicago that has attracted me is the fact that it has small classes, and it is a relatively small university which means that students do not dissolve in the community but instead, all of them stand out in their own unique ways.

Overall, University of Chicago definitely satisfies my preferred type of learning and community and I really hope I can be part of their student body to think and strive and become an important and unique member in my community.

Thank you!
MirayPhilips   
Dec 12, 2010
Undergraduate / "Diversity, Buckeye, education and nightlife" - Why Ohio State? [6]

Why are you interested in The Ohio State University? (Maximum 300 words)

Please edit any grammar mistakes and share any opinions on how I can improve this. I need to send this in by tomorrow so PLEASE share your opinion. :)

I am interested in Ohio State University because of several reasons other than the obvious fact that it is prestigious and is ranked 56th on the world. Ohio State has several unique qualities that attract me and I am yet to find another university that captivates me the way Ohio State does.

Diversity to me has always been quite an important issue as I come from a school ...
MirayPhilips   
Dec 14, 2010
Undergraduate / Nazih's Death - Experience that shows your ability to succeed at Penn State. [3]

Please tell us something about yourself, your experiences, or activities that you believe would reflect positively on your ability to succeed at Penn State. This is your opportunity to tell us something about yourself that is not already reflected in your application or academic records. We suggest a limit of 500 words or fewer.

This is 514 words, any suggestions which bit I could cut down further?

Several years ago, my family decided that we should meet up with our close relatives in Trento, Italy to spend our summer together. Seeing my aunt Amany, her husband Nazih, and my cousin Nagy, in an immaculate place made me believe that this was destined to be the best holiday I ever had. I was wrong.

Only a couple of days into the week, we were at home when suddenly my cousin screamed my parent's names in distress. My Uncle had fainted and as both my parents are doctors they immediately gave him sugar believing he only fainted from exhaustion. My uncle then collapsed in my mother's arms, had a seizure and went pale; deathly pale. My parents performed CPR immediately, while my aunt was screaming for someone to call the ambulance. I was shocked, standing obscured behind a wall trying so hard not to see my uncle die, and yet, trying not to be overwhelmed by the fact that I could not do anything to help but stand quietly and not get in anyone's way. I curled up in a corner drowning in my own puddle of tears, saying a little prayer and hoping desperately that he would be able to come back home with us. I was wrong. Again.

Nazih passed away on the 24th of June 2006 on a chilly night in Italy. Watching someone die at the age of 12, not to mention coming to terms with a death in the family, is not an experience anyone should go through, but it is definitely an experience that has scarred my way of thinking. After this tragic experience I became more considerate of people's feelings, realizing that one may have a problem that they do not want to speak about and therefore needs a gentle approach. This will definitely be useful in my first year of University because by being more aware of people's feelings I can easily make friends at a time when almost everyone feels homesick. I also realized that I was not making the most out of my life and so I assigned my unique qualities to activities that would benefit my community and I hope to carry on with this in Penn State by joining activities that will make me an asset to the university. I also realized that the biggest problem in my naïve world should not be a B on my French exam or being told off by my teacher for forgetting homework, but in fact, people go through bigger problems like dealing with terminal diseases, divorced parents or even cataclysmic wars.

Most importantly, I learnt that one can either allow a terrible event to envelop him with depression or rather, learn from it, accept it and get inspired by it; I chose acceptance and inspiration. With this new positive outlook on life, I believe I can succeed at Penn State as I will not allow myself to get crippled by being so far away from home, the different type of culture or the endless amount of work I will have to keep up with.

Any feedback wil be appreciated! Is this good enough? Do I answer the question properly?
Thank you :)
MirayPhilips   
Dec 14, 2010
Undergraduate / Swarthmore, love of biology, research, liberal art education [4]

My parents became a little nervous whenever their ten-year old boy talked about biology. They probably remembered the time when I waited five hours mid-night to watch the cicada molting and caught a tadpole at the price of falling in to the river. (I don't understand this bit, try to clarify it.)

Through my junior years, my love for biology only grew. The invasive improvements in diagnostic tests kept me excited and made me eager to make a difference . After visiting a brave and self-respecting young man, "creating artificial corneas" took up my mind(connection between the man and the cornea should be clarified.). I hurried back to my school to delve right into "research." But it appeared that I did not know how to fix the appliance (What appliance?) ,how to write down the data, how to record the needs of patients, more importantly, how to overcome the public indifference.

The perplexity endured, until one day in my art class (no fullstop) my teacher said, "Every beautiful part is useless until you connect them into a balanced ensemble." It was not only a Chinese art theory but also a life philosophy. My enthusiasm could not turn into a breakthrough because I narrowed myself into biology, just a beautiful part(Extremely confusing). I forgot to match biology with and other important parts, like maths, chemistry and social knowledge. An isolated part can not be regarded as a nice painting.

Eventually, my naive enthusiasm gradually turned into rationality. I began dabbling into other subjects and trying to discover their build-in link. Last summer, I got my first "breakthrough" by organizing a "go green" project in Beijing. I found only when statistics, psychology, environmental science and even social knowledge were combined together could I finish a seemingly simple task(Again, unclear.)

I fell in love with Swarthmore for the same reason as its wide scope of learning will give me tools to face whatever challenges I may come across . "Learning is doing" (Who are you quoting? Further develop the structure of this sentence). Swarthmore's biology department is highly supportive of student research and nearlly all the courses include a laboratory or field-based component where I will be able to design and perform my own experiments. Only this time I will not be overwhelmed like I was three years ago as I will I have the chance to combine humanities and science through numerous practice opportunities. For campus life, I will also truly display my potentials by interweaving my knowledges and cultures. I also love how Swarthmore celebrates The Mustache November as"my souls start to emerge itwill remind me of my ancestor's traditions and culture . I am also eager to learn about the multi-cultures, races and genders through The Tri-College Summer and Winter Institute. (Is the college and institute directly related to diversity or do you mean that Swarthmore has diversity? Again, unclear.)

Swarthmore cannot be separated into parts and this is proven by the fact that it combines humanity with sciences, enthusiasm with rationality. I want to create a balanced and gorgeous Swat-Chinese painting and I think that Swarthmore is the perfect place for me to achieve this dream.

I like your thoughts but you don't represent them clearly on paper. The parts that I said aren't clear, if you tried explaining what exactly you're trying to say I can help you phrase them properly. Apart from that, you're probably better off getting a teacher to mark this so it could be flawless.

Goodluck!
MirayPhilips   
Dec 16, 2010
Graduate / Physical Therapy program - Dark and stormy essay [2]

The next six months would prove to be a challenge. I was crutch-bound for three months then slowly returned to the bipedal world. At first I found it frustrating having to rely on others to do the simplest things. Then I became appreciative of everyone's kindness and compassion for my situation and the slightest return of any mobility. Although I was frustrated with the pace of my recovery, I began to realize that with time, a great deal of patience, good nutrition and the right exercise, healing would occur. I realized that I wanted to assist others in their recovery process, reaching their full potential as I was motivated to do myself. My academic focus was now Physical Therapy, I had found my niche. I graduated from Lasell College as a Physical Therapist Assistant in 1993.

As a Physical Therapist Assistant I have empathy and compassion for my patients and understand the frustrations associated with the recovery process. I enjoy educating each individual about their injury or disability and what is expected, while helping them to appreciate even the smallest return in mobility and function. Motivating them with encouragement to meet the next milestone in their recovery is vital in helping them to reach their fullest potential. I value being part of the rehabilitation team and I realize that I am an integral part of the process with physical therapists, doctors, nurses and patients. However, feel I want to achieve more, which is my motivation for seeking higher education with the DPT program. Becoming more autonomous will make me a more effective therapist and open more doors for expanding knowledge which will help me reach a greater population. I am sure that participating in the DPT program will require hard work, persistence, and commitment, not unlike the challenge of recovering from an injury. Even with this, the final outcome will be worthwhile. I am looking forward to embracing this challenge with open arms .

I hope this helped :)
MirayPhilips   
Dec 18, 2010
Undergraduate / UMichigan Engineering Essays, World Economic Forum [3]

Having both (I think lived is what you're trying to say?) in the United States and in India, and currently studying in an International School I have always felt as never belonging to one specific community and I regard myself as being more of a global citizen. But a community can also be defined as a set of people who have common goals and shared interests in a specific activity. In this context I belong to a community of youth interested in environmental protection and sustainable technologies . I have always believed that I have a major role in taking active participation wherever I can. I tried to make an impact to the world as much as I could. I started to regularly volunteer at a mass tree planting campaign in my area credited with President's Award and a Guinness World Record for planting the largest number of trees in a single day. (You give such a long introduction when you should focus on what you've done in your community and how you've affected it.)

During the last campaign, I planted 500 tree saplings out of a total of 10,000 saplings . After nurturing them for the first 6 months, I distributed them to various interested school children who continued to grow them . I also contribute in local campaigns on the values of a greener planet. I regard my place in this community is cemented by my participation in the Global Youth Summit 2010 which happened in London this November. In recognition of my work related to the environment and its protection I was selected by the British Council to be a member of a group of 60 people out of a pool of 1600 applicants. During this meeting all of the selected youths took up global campaigns and transformation programs in various areas and worked with world leaders in this area . This was a great opportunity to interact with global economic leaders and also in the process mark my presence in this community. I also obtained an opportunity to attend the World Economic Forum.

You're not a native speaker, right? I think you should get a teacher to polish this off or something. The paragraphs aren't divided properly and you generalize way too much instead of focusing on what you've actually done. You should also add a proper conclusion in a thrid paragraph.

Over the last century, engineering innovations have pervaded nearlly all the aspects in our life . However, these advancements have their drawbacks too.

Our dependence on fossil fuels and non-renewable sources of energy for electricity has left our planet in a global dilemma. This is the reason why there is an imperative need for innovative engineering in the areas of green and alternate energy. As a keen environmental protectionist and an academically bright student, I want to pursue entrepreneurial ventures in the field of alternative energy. As a prospective engineering student, I know that an engineer has the potential to turn what others regard only as an "abstract idea" into reality.

However, the right launching pad is crucial for such a path; A multi-disciplinary environment where I can interact with bright students from all around the world supported by the best of professors, a place where the right eco-system is provided to nurture and encourage certain skills and advantages that will surely leverage my success in the real world, a place where engineers are not daunted by real world challenges, a place like University of Michigan.

The very core spirit of Michigan lies in innovation as exemplified by its many programs including "Accelerate Michigan". This is the very spirit that I exhibit and I want to study at a University that embodies this. By attending Michigan Engineering school, I will not only receive a strong engineering foundation from one of the finest institutions in the world, but also be instilled with certain skills and advantages that will surely leverage my perspectives in the real world. The Multidisciplinary program is a perfect example that shows how University of Michigan provides a prudent experience where the students get the opportunity to work with real life challenging problems. This again will bolster my strengths in working with various different people others closelyand it will also provide an insight into what I will be workingwith in the future. With such focusesUniversity of Michigan does not slack off on research, something that is critical for pushing the frontiers of technology. Michigan Engineering has 145 labs and research centers; more than most of the top Engineering schools which again shows how University of Michigan emphasises on research in engineering .University of Michigan also provides undergraduate research opportunities such as Summer Undergraduate Research in Engineering that will not only give me a head start for a graduate education but also a glimpse of the research environment.

University of Michgan's continued success can be seen from the alumni and their contributions especially in the area of entrepreneurism, engineering and technology; from Larry Page the co-founder of Google to Tony Fadell the "father" of the iPod .

I dream to achieve great scales in my future as an engineer and I am sure University of MichiganEngineer would catalyse this dream.

This is a much better essay, and it shows how you've researched the university so much and how far you're interested in it.

Sorry for the harshness but this is UMich after all.
Goodluck!
MirayPhilips   
Dec 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "job of an engineer" - Carnegie Mellon Supplement Essay - Chemical Engineering [4]

Carnegie Mellon University is the ideal environment for me to continue my studies. As a Pittsburgh resident I have been aware of CMU (stay on the safe side, use the full name all the time.) and its reputation for several years. The legacy of CMU graduates runs in my extended family; my cousins, Patrick Russell and Dr. William Bolosky, along with my uncle, M.William Miller, are successful alumni of CMU with degrees in varying schools of learning. They have shared their positive views and experiences of their time spent at CMU. My interest for the engineering sciences has grown over many years, and I realize that CMU will be the start of a new life experience and a continuum for my appreciation of math and science. My academic interests, combined with a well-grounded understanding of what engineers actually do, make me certain that the Carnegie Institute of Technology at CMU is the next step for me.

An engineer is involved in all aspects of our lives, from the roads we drive on to the food we eat. The various disciplines of engineering afford many opportunities to contribute directly and indirectly to society through life-changing innovations or technological advances. A successful engineer not only has a passion for understanding how the universe operates, but is blessed with a natural aptitude for math and science. Engineers are tasked with solving the world's most challenging problems, and in the future I believe that chemistry will be especially important to engineering. In a science and technology journal I recently learned how engineers are now using small, nonpolar, smooth carbon nanotubes in seawater desalination, which are more efficient than polymer-based, semi-permeable membranes. Furthermore, with the rising concern for alternative, renewable energy sources, there is a necessity for chemical engineers to design the energy systems that consumers worldwide will use every day. These examples illustrate how the need for a strong background in chemistry to solve current and future problems is critical. I want to become a chemical engineer so that I can solve these kinds of problems and other similar ones that interest me.

My first exposure to real-world engineering was through my father who works for the computer software company Ansys, Inc. Ansys develops software used specifically by engineers of all disciplines across the globe to simulate and validate physical problems. Because the software is user-definable, companies like Northrop Grumman Corporation and Corning Incorporated can each use the software to solve their unique problems under different user-definable conditions. Through this exposure I have obtained a solid understanding and appreciation of the types of issues the engineering world is currently facing. I learnt how technology has afforded a cost-friendly means to build physical models. I saw first-hand the three-dimensional models that engineers conceive to test their theories and solve problems. I became amazed by the roles science and math play in the world.

Sciences and math are my favorite classes and I have great respect for the teachers who make chemistry, math, and physics fascinating each day. I truly look forward to attending these classes and learning the fundamental concepts engineers use on a daily basis. Chemical engineering represents a college-level continuation of the areas I enjoy studying in high school.

The Carnegie Institute of Technology will provide me with an excellent education and preparation to approach and solve the world's most difficult chemical engineering challenges. I know the faculty at CMU understands and encourages the passions of its students, which leads to a unique environment for learning. I want to learn from and contribute my talents to that very special collection of intellect and dedication known as CMU.

Loved it. Very detailed and shows how far your really are interested in CMU.
Goodluck!
MirayPhilips   
Dec 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "I am interested in my future" - Ohio State University Essay - I am Ohio State [3]

1. You mention your high scool along with Ohio state too much, you should just focus on Ohio State.
2. You still don't mention why you're interested in Ohio State, you just talk about how you'll contribute to it. Try talking about what you'll major and how Ohio State along with its programs and activities will help you reach your goal.

Goodluck
MirayPhilips   
Dec 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "Alec's suicide" - significant event, Common App [13]

For a moment, I sat dumbstruck. My cousin Alec was eighteen years old. He was a surfer and a comedian -a free spirit with long blonde hair and a smile so wide it could cover valleys. He could do the best accents I have ever heard. But now he was dead. After holding me for a while as we wept, my mother left my room on my assurance that I wanted to be alone. Still in shock, I decided to go to sleep. Maybe in the morning I would wake up to find that I had imagined it all. However, when I turned off the lights, I began screaming. The darkness weighed a thousand pounds and it pressed down on my chest, compressing all the air from my lungs. I did not sleep that night.

Before Alec's suicide, I had been pushing, continually working my way towards better things (try using a word other than things) for as long as I could remember. As the only child of a single mother, I felt I owed it to her to be perfect. She had high aspirations for me, and though she never imposed them on me directly, I could tell they existed. I wanted to live up them. My motivation, as a result, was aimless. Had you asked me why I wanted to succeed, I would not have known the answer. "Because it was the 'right thing'," I might have offered meekly. And so I lived my life, through a series of self-imposed rights and wrongs, shoulds and should-nots in order to reach an undefined goal. For nearly seventeen years I barreled through life determined to achieve more, albeit, with this borrowed purpose. However , with the news of Alec's suicide, all of that changed.

As an only child, the closest I came to having siblings was my cousins, and Alec and I were by far the closest. Though I had had friends who had lost family members, I had never dealt with death myself; it was difficult.

Initially, I was angry. I was angry at his parents, who I felt had failed him. I was mad at his grandfather for giving him the gun. 'Ignorant, stupid, hick,' I thought. I was mad at his girlfriend, who, of all of us, should have seen this coming. I was even angry with Alec, for being weak, for not fighting through his pain. I hated him for leaving us. Soon, though, anger gave way to guilt. Although I lived across the Atlantic, I blamed myself for what had happened. I felt as if I should have been more supportive of him, should have been able to prevent his death. I regretted that our last exchange was a joking message I sent him about how eccentric his family was, referring to his father's recent marriage to one of his models. But as with most grief, my guilt soon gave way to depression.

Alec's suicide forced me to confront many of my long held beliefs about life and death. Though I was not religious, I had believed comfortably in an afterlife. It had reassured me to know there was something more than our mortal existence, that life continued even once it did not. After Alec killed himself, though, it dawned on me that this probably was not the case. Sadly, I concluded that there is likely nothing after death.

This revelation was devastating. With nothing more to life than the biblical threescore and ten years that we are given on earth, what was the point, I wondered. Success had been my raison d'ętre, but if I was going to die in the end, what good was success? Alec's suicide ripped my motivation from me, and only jagged emptiness was left behind.

Before Alec's suicide, I had worked with an organization in my school called the Burmese Refugee Assistance Program (BRAP). It had been started by a group of students in 2009 who worked extensively with two villages of Burmese refugees in Thailand to improve their quality of life. Forced from Burma by an oppressive regime with practices of ethnic cleansing, the Karen and Lisu villagers were not recognized by the Thai government either. Because of this, they were not allowed to leave the province, discouraged from obtaining education, and denied government provided services. The first BRAP team in 2009 worked to raise the money to provide needed infrastructure and travelled to the villages over the summer to help build them.

The second BRAP team began in my junior year, and I had eagerly joined. The project became a passion of mine, and I dedicated myself to fundraising for future village projects. But like my other passions, BRAP, too, fell by the wayside after Alec's death. Though I remained on the team that was volunteering in Thailand in July, I relinquished most of my leadership responsibilities.

Then summer arrived. I still lacked the excitement I had previously felt for the trip to Thailand, but I had committed to the project. When we arrived in the village, I will not pretend I experienced some fairytale enlightenment or sudden rebirth of life. That is not how depression works. But as I saw the villagers' needs, the ember of motivation in my heart -whose warmth I had long since ceased to feel -slowly began to reignite. The villagers were so grateful for our help. Our liaison Manop told me of the difference our fundraising had made in the villagers' lives. I began once again to feel the motivation I had lost after Alec's death.

For the two weeks we were there, I gave my best to our projects. For hours, I carried rocks to the top of the mountain for the landslide barrier we were building. I dug foundations until my handscallused and bled. I stood bent over, mixing bucket after bucket of cement in sweltering heat. And on the last night when I fell onto my straw mat, for the first time since Alec's suicide, I felt content. The next day all of the villagers came to say goodbye to us and to thank us for what we had done. One family, for whom we had built a latrine, was so thankful that they used the meager amount of cloth they had to make bags for us. As we said our farewells, Manop translated the villagers' words for us: "Thank you so much for all you have done. You have changed our lives."

When you receive this essay, it will have been eleven months since Alec's suicide. At first, I suffered the realization that there is no life after death, but seeing the impact of our work in Thailand, I have since come to believe otherwise. There may not be a heaven as I previously envisioned it, but we survive through our actions and the effects we have on other people's lives. In Thailand I was fortunate enough to touch somebody's life in the way that Alec had touched mine. I may never return to those villages, but I hope to live on in the mortar of a wall or the stone of a foundation. Similarly, I have realized that Alec lives on -in the Facebook group started in his memory, in the hundreds of kind posts he still receives each month, even in my daily remembrance of him. Before Alec's suicide, I strived to excel -in academics, athletics, and life in general -but these last months have helped me recalibrate my definition of success. While I still hope to succeed in the manner I did before, my greatest aspiration now is simply to touch the lives of others in such a brilliant way as Alec's life touched mine.[/quote]
Extremely touching. R.I.P Alec.
---------------------------------

Relating to the essay, don't use abreviations because it isn't formal. I also don't see why you shouldn't send in an essay about faith, it what makes you who you are after all. However, I would advise you to change the sentence:

"At first, I suffered the realization that there is no life after death, but seeing the impact of our work in Thailand, I have since come to believe otherwise." to something more flexibile implying that you believe that there is nothing after death instead of stating it as if it is an actual fact. You know, to make this essay more of an opinion and so it doesn't annoy the reader incase he was a believer. However, just to make sure, ask a teacher if it is alright to post this essay in your common application.

You know how you alternate between how your life was before Alec's suicide and how it changed after his death. I would suggest you start off your essay with your definition of success and your contributions to your society. Then maybe end that paragraph with a sentence like: However, all of this changed in a matter of seconds.

and then start your new paragraph with your current first one.
I would only suggest you do that as it seems all over the place when you alternate between your past and your present.

This is an amazing essay, you're a very good story teller.
Goodluck!
MirayPhilips   
Dec 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "People judge you based on what they want you to be" - experience Common App [3]

Other than sports, school itself presented another situation for me. In high school, students are judged on who their friends and what clubs they join . My classmates used to tell me , "How did you get an A? You are not smart. You do not even study." They based their judgments on who my friends were and the sports I played. However, these people did not know that I got home at 7:30 after sports and studied past midnight on most days. I remember specifically a day of my freshman year in Honors English when a classmate asked me, "Why are you even in this class?" The tone she said it with and the fact that she said it in front of several classmates truly hurt me. It was only the first couple of weeks of the year, and I did not even know the name of this girl. This experience bothered me for a while. It stuck with me, but it did not change what I thought of myself. She had no idea the kind of person I was and am. Maybe I could not change her opinion, but maybe her opinion simply did not matter. I kept working hard, and earned maximum honors every year.

For my entire life I have been prematurely judged again and again by people that do not know me. Based on first impressions, they assumed my characteristics, doubted how far I could excell in activities and studies, and how hard I worked to become who I am. However, what doubters said or thought did not change the person I was, and the person I strove and am striving to become.

Good luck!
MirayPhilips   
Dec 20, 2010
Writing Feedback / "You think life is hard?" I want this content in my school's magazine [3]

Jennifer was born on October 12, which makes her a Libra in case any one of you guys were wondering. She came to the U.S. at the age of 14. As a matter of fact, to tell you the truth I just met Ms. Pereira not long ago, so honestly I don't know much about her or you can even say I don't know her at all . So at this point you guys are probably wondering "So why are you even writing about her?" Well the truth is I don't really have an answer to that yet. All I know for sure is that there is something so special about her that just makes me want to know more about her. So when I got the opportunity to write an article about a person, I thought to myself who better to write about then Ms. Pereira and it was my only chance to get to know more about her and I couldn't just let that chance slip.

While I was interviewing her for the first time, one of the questions I asked her was "What is your definition of origin and what is your origin?" She told me "I think the word origin means where you come from and my origin is Columbia." During the interview she didn't really give me much information and I don't know if it's because she didn't want to tell me too much or I simply just didn't ask the right questions. So I decided to tell her that she was really boring and I don't know how I am going to write this article just to tease her a little and see what she will say. What she told me was actually pretty interesting. She said "When you interview someone, you're not always going to get what you want or everything, you have to expand it on your own." That made me think a lot and I totally agree with her. That just shows me what a smart and intelligent individual she is. It did however surprise me in a way, but also gave me the energy to try to find a way to write this article without pushing for the answers because I will never want to annoy her.

However, when I asked her who was her role model, she told me "My role model is my mom because she taught me what is right from wrong and she is a very strong person. I want to be just like her." When I heard that I felt this rush through my body, I'm not really sure why, but it reminded me of myself a lot . I guess it's because that's exactly how I feel about my mom too. I don't know why but I just felt so touched to hear that because not everyone feels that way about their mother. She also told me that one of the most important days in her life was the day her little sister was born. She didn't really talk too much about that. Although hearing that, I'm guessing that her sister must be someone really important to her because her sister was probably part of what made her who she is today. Not only did her sister help her, but including her family, they had a big impact on her i think; because she said that she had a strong family and they all supported each other. When I heard that I felt really happy for her because my family is just like that too. To both of us, family is the most important thing.

A few weeks later I got a chance to speak to her again so I took that chance and I asked her why did she come to the U.S. She wasn't very specific but she told me that her father left. And In Columbia you had to pay for school, rent and everything else, so her mom came to the U.S. first alone to support the family, while she stayed in Columbia with her grandparents. After a while, she came to the U.S. When I heard that, it was almost like hearing about my own story because I knew exactly how she must have felt as I went through the exact same thing .

As I delve deeper, pulling away each brick from the wall of her heart, I began to realize that we had so much in common which was probably one of the reasons why I felt I that rush. I had to know more about her. I knew that there must be something about her that makes her so different from everyone else and set her apart form everyone else. I love the fact that we both love Cookies N' Cream and watching movies. We are both complicated, outgoing, funny, although she says I am so not funny (it's unclear who she says this about, you or her?) , but it's okay. However, she is very on point and wants to make everything as perfect as possible and very balanced , I think. (you think? Remember your audience, do you think they're interested about what you think of her or would they be interested in facts.)

Like most of us when we were younger orThroughout almost everyone's childhood we have always thought about what we were going to do when we grow up. As usual most of the time it always changed until we eventually had to pick one . Ms. Pereira first wanted to be an accountant because she was really good at math. Unfortunately, when she went to college she found out that it was way too hard for her and she already wasted a year in college. She didn't have much time left, so she decided to be a Spanish teacher. Even though she didn't tell me if she was really happy with this choice or not, I can see that she doesn't hate it. The reason why I say this is because every time she is teaching she is always so happy and hyper. However, one day she seemed really sad so I decided to ask her why she was upset and she told me because a lot of the kids got a really bad grade on the test, which showed how much she really cares about our work. And she told us she was sad because the class was ending and she really liked our class, which was really sweet and cute! (I really don't think you can publicly call a teacher cute.)

I have to admit I am so happy that she made this choice because if she didn't I would probably never have her as a teacher or even get a chance to meet her. After all, I can't ever imagine that happening because she is the only one that actually made me want to learn Spanish and I know that she is someone that I can't just let her pass through my life and not try to get to know her . I would regret it.

(This is out of place, it would fit better earlier on in the essay.) In the beginning I was hopeless and almost gave up on trying to get to know moreabout her because she had a wall built around her and she wouldn't let anyone in or anything out.However, the more time I spent with her, the more she started opening up and becoming more talkative. This made me really happy because she is a really interesting person and spending time with her always makes me smile. From the moment I met her I knew that she was someone so special and I don't care what it takes to get to know her. Whether it's brick by brick or day by day I will wait because I know it's worth it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

1. You have two paragraphs introducing Ms. Pareira. Way too long. No student will sit there and go through all of this. Try to cut them down drastically.

2. I started editing abbreviations like "don't" and stuff but I'm not sure how formal it should be so I stopped editing those half way through. However, if this is meant to be formal, abbreviations shouldn't be there.

3. The paragraph about how she loves her mother and sister and family: I don't mean to be rude but no-one cares? and it isn't that catchy. It would be a lot more catchy if you were discussing her belief in a controversial subject, but who would sit there and read about a teacher's mother?

4. You're talking about a teacher. When you mention how you felt that rush to get to know, I think it's either you're trying to suck up or its just not appropriate. She is a teacher after all.

5. I don't know if its alright in your school to be this close to a teacher or not, but the way you've written your essay is as if Ms. Pareira was your best friend. I really don't think it's appropriate. I think you should ask a teacher to read it before you submit it and take a proper opinion about it.

6. You should cut down on the essay, I honestly don't think your audience will read through all of this.
7. Sorry if I was too harsh.
MirayPhilips   
Dec 20, 2010
Undergraduate / "My sister has been in a cold and foreign land"- common app essay [3]

After numerous exchanges and outings with them (clarify who them is), it dawned upon me that my previous assertive self had been misguided. I realized that my companions yearned for acceptance, not protection.

for I know that I will try my utmost best to achieve my goals and it will be alright in the end. If it is not alright, then it is not the end and I will continue to struggle.

I'm pretty sure this is an actual quote by someone, you should mention that instead of using it as your own.

Absolutely loved it. I love the idea. I love the way you portray it. I love your use of words and vocabularly. I love how you show how you've changed.

Goodluck!
MirayPhilips   
Dec 20, 2010
Undergraduate / "Mysterious and Attractive Genes" JHU supplement [3]

Studying genetics wil be very interesting for me as there are still numerous mysteries waiting for me to explore them . Playing a leading role in the advancement of biology , Johns Hopkins Biology Department will provide me with the most cutting-edge information about genetics. I long to study genetics at Johns Hopkins University, and I strongly believe that Johns Hopkins University will be a crucial step for me to explore the secrets of genetics.

Goodluck!
MirayPhilips   
Dec 21, 2010
Undergraduate / "Never give up; born to try" Common App - Topic of your choice [9]

In these three months, I undoubtedly felt that I had strived to do my best to survive these hardships (I know how you feel, I was going through a VERY hard time trying to balance all the work, but for this essay, I don't think you should use the word hardships.) I tried my best to understand my teachers' lectures so that I did not need to spend a lot of time doing homework and revising for tests. After I finished my daily classes' works, I would start preparing for my SAT test and filling out college's requirements . Sometimes, I needed to wake up around 6 to finish up my homework or review for the test (abundant) .Every time I was tired and wanted to give up, I looked at the post-it note which encouraged me to carry on . After three months, I was done with the endless amount of work and I could finally relax as Thanksgiving came. Looking back at this period, I realized that life is just as simple as day and night. When you are in the daylight , go outside, live happily, enjoy the sunshine and every precious moment . When the sky turns dark, run as fast as you can to go back home. However, you should remember that the night will pass away and there is always a new day that awaits you in the morning.

After these 3 months, although the result did not totally sastisfy me, I felt proud of myself for all the work that I accomplished in such a short period of time . There were times that I was upset with myself as my SAT score was not what I aimed for, and I did not get straight A's in my first quarter semester . However, I realized that my unexpected result is what helped me mature (elaborate on how you matured) . Miriam Beard once said, "Certainly, travel is more than the seeing of sights; it is a change that goes on, deep and permanent, in the ideas of living." At the point when one tries the best to achieve a goal , it is not the result that matters. Ilearnt that to travel is better than to arrive. What happens along my journey including the stumbles, failures , pressures, are the things that will help me in the future, and develop myself into a successful individual.

---------------

I loved the last paragraph.
I think the first paragraphs are a bit too abundant. Maybe you should divide them in:
1st paragraph: The post-it note and what was expected out of you. What you wanted on your SAT score and what was your expected school grades.

2nd paragraph: Your daily routine, what you had to do every day and make sure it shows that it was overwhelming. And also comment on how it affected your life outside school. Like with me, in that three month period I rarely ever went out with my friends, ate dinner with my family, I even changed my sleeping pattern completely to avoid being distracted my my family. etc etc. You know what I mean?

3rd paragraph is perfect the way it is.

I hope this helped! Goodluck!
MirayPhilips   
Dec 21, 2010
Undergraduate / "Never give up; born to try" Common App - Topic of your choice [9]

I also think you're better off spending more time writing a new essay than editing this one. There's a lot you can say about basketball or about where you come from since your name sounds international. Talk about diversity or something.

Goodluck!
MirayPhilips   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / Santa Clause-Somebody That Influenced Me a Lot [8]

How come you were in third grade back in 2006? Doesn't that mean you're in 7th grade now? How is this undergraduate admissions? Sorry if I missed something out, I just got confused..
MirayPhilips   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "Self-portrait" MIT significant challenge [4]

This was not me.

I still could not depict

It's neater if you write out the words in full than use abbreviations. Those are just a few of them.

What was so different between my drawing and the image in the mirror?

You could condense this to: Why wasn't I satisfied with the drawing? Or take the whole idea of a question out and say: I was not satisfied with the drawing because my eyes didn't reflect...

You could also condense this sentence to: From memory, I drew a self-portrait. in my own style .

Apart from all of that, I really like the idea and I like how you structured the essay. It's catchy!
Good luck!
MirayPhilips   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "our kids will go to the same school" - Stanford letter to roomate . [7]

I'm not sure whether this goes to a room-mate or is it one of those creative admission essays? But if its just to a roomie than i don't think they'd mind your grammer mistakes and all that...

Well, I read this and laughed. Its warm and welcoming and shows how easy going you are.
I like your style and I like the ending, its warm.

So yeah, I really liked this. I'd want to be your roomie. :)
MirayPhilips   
Jan 5, 2011
Undergraduate / "All I need is loved ones, good health, and a stable environment." - Find X Chicago [3]

I was going to edit all of the grammer.. but I thought that you'll be better off if you change the format of the story a bit. I like the idea of you mentioning your mother's problem and how she has disappeared... I think you should elaborate on it more, focus on how she has affected your life and how devestating it is to find her in the state she was in. Talk about the last time you've spoken to her and all that emotional stuff. It's a good idea for an essay, but you should make it more personal and emotional rather than brief. I also think that it doesn't require a whole paragraph to explain how grateful you are to have all your family and friends around, it's more important to focus on your mother's issue.

And one more thing, seeing as the essay title is called "find x"... connect the essay with that sentence and refer to it more... It almost seems that you've written this essay before you came across the title and just thought it was a good match, you know what I mean?

I hope this helped...
MirayPhilips   
Jan 5, 2011
Undergraduate / "I'm different from my peers." - College Essay [2]

I REALLY like your essay! Very well written and your thoughts are very well organized.. I thought of a couple of words which you could use and stuff... and for your ending, you can also make it strong by adding a quote or something. I'm pretty sure you can find a quote somewhere about fighting an illness and becoming strong...

Good luck!
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