emanon
Nov 17, 2011
Undergraduate / Acting on an Animal Instinct - Common App Essay [2]
Good structure and creative perspective. (: But a few places to be improved:
The second paragraph serves as another example demonstrate the power of animal instinct, in that the man would "kill out of anxiety". So the ending sentence can be edited to a statement in stead of a question, so that you make your point more firmly.
The third paragraph describing the counter force of animal instinct, in that parents did not give up, and their perseverance overcame the difficulty. I think you can elaborate more on their thinking and doings. For example, in stead of saying "carried them through every circumstance", specify on what they were thinking when they made decisions, how they took care of you along the way, and how they met with pressures and risks each time, etc.
Finally, the concluding paragraph seems a little unclear when you say it is incredibly simple to disregard animal instinct without any real life experience as a proof. A strong point is made when evidence is given to consolidate. It is also rewarding to include more details because you can avoid saying the same things over and again.
Those are only personal views. Hope they'll do some help (:
Good structure and creative perspective. (: But a few places to be improved:
The second paragraph serves as another example demonstrate the power of animal instinct, in that the man would "kill out of anxiety". So the ending sentence can be edited to a statement in stead of a question, so that you make your point more firmly.
The third paragraph describing the counter force of animal instinct, in that parents did not give up, and their perseverance overcame the difficulty. I think you can elaborate more on their thinking and doings. For example, in stead of saying "carried them through every circumstance", specify on what they were thinking when they made decisions, how they took care of you along the way, and how they met with pressures and risks each time, etc.
Finally, the concluding paragraph seems a little unclear when you say it is incredibly simple to disregard animal instinct without any real life experience as a proof. A strong point is made when evidence is given to consolidate. It is also rewarding to include more details because you can avoid saying the same things over and again.
Those are only personal views. Hope they'll do some help (: