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Posts by yusra12
Joined: Dec 11, 2011
Last Post: Jan 1, 2012
Threads: 6
Posts: 24  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 30
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yusra12   
Dec 11, 2011
Undergraduate / Lack of cooking skill-Common app Essay [7]

So this is my common app essay so far. Feel free to critique it heavily,as the schools im applying to are really selective. Thanks!

Essay:

I can run a 5k without collapsing on the ground, and reenact scenes from various movies from memory. I can solve Rubik's cube within a few minutes and win almost any limbo competition that I throw myself into. I can be so absorbed in an enticing novel that I read without moving for hours on end, lost in a separate reality. I can speak several different languages with an obvious accent, master every level of guitar hero, and make genetic crosses between different plant species. But when it comes to cooking, I am far from skilled.

To the disappointment of my traditional parents, cooking has never been one of my predisposed talents. "What will you do when you're married?" my mother typically asks when I leave the house with my uninspired lunch of fruit and some sort of sandwich, thrown together in my usual morning haste. Used to these kinds of questions I simply laugh and joke that I will live off of frozen foods and whatever else I can find, while she stands gaping at me with a look of amused bafflement as I walk out the door.

For me, cooking is a catastrophe. "How difficult can it be?" I initially think to myself, but once I attempt to cook I soon realize how dreadfully mistaken I was. My kitchen emerges with splatters everywhere and an indistinguishable food concoction as a result--looking more like the scene of a crime than a place that harbors artistic innovations. While the meticulous measurements in performing chemistry or biology lab may come easily to me, measurements as "simple" as those in making a cake are impossible to get right.

Coming from an African background where women lead the roles as typical housewives and have arranged marriages, my lack of cooking skill is as astounding to my parents as would be my having magical powers; things like that simply do not occur.

But on the contrary, I am proud of my inability to cook. While some may look down upon it, my distaste for cooking is an integral part of my personality. I break the typical Eritrean stereotype, and am unique for it. Defying the stereotype allows me expand my goals and aspirations and become my own person. It allows me to have more options than I would have in the pre-determined mold for my life. It gives me the opportunity to take risks and have control over my own future.

Though I love and embrace my culture, there are parts of it that will never fit into my personality, which makes me unique. While I cannot cook I can do so much more, helping me to better appreciate my strengths and weaknesses and appreciate my unique qualities. Being unable to cook contributes to who I am; a unique individual like the shape of a falling snowflake on a crisp winter morning.
yusra12   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / Why Swarthmore? Finding a niche. [4]

I really like it=] It definately gives a lot of insight into your personality,which is good. My only comment would be that maybe you could try replacing some of the paranthesis with -(whatever thats called)

for example: When i checked out the science center-via the virtual tour-and saw the sheer number...
other than that,great job!
yusra12   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / playing "doctor" ; Penn -Medicine as my calling. [3]

Hey everyone!
The Penn deadline is coming up soon,so any help on revisiing the essay would be greatly appreciated. Also,feel free to tell me if anything i added in is unnecessary.

and what do you guys think of the first sentance? I wasnt sure if it was too confusing.
and should i remove the part about adopting a kitten & oprah?

Thanks a ton=]

Essay:

From the early stages of my existence -playing "doctor" with my young cousins at four years old, unaware of its true complexities yet enticed nonetheless- I knew medicine would was my calling. Throughout the years my love of science and health continued to strengthen through instances such as adopting a kitten in 5th grade and tuning in to the Oprah show just to watch Dr. Oz. So, when I had begun researching colleges during my sophomore year of high school, it was clear the University of Pennsylvania School of Arts and Sciences was the school for me. While I was momentarily torn between majoring in Biology or Biomedical Sciences, my conversation with a Penn junior and endless research ensured me that the School of Arts and Sciences would best set me on my pre-med path.

With Penn's unique four interdisciplinary schools, my decision won't impact my ability to take classes in the other schools. The University's plethora of research opportunities will give me the hands-on learning experience that I could gain nowhere else. Internships in a variety of medicine related fields such as hematology, neurology, and pediatrics will only strengthen my goals and give my insight on all the different paths I can take. And with 84% of Penn pre-med seniors getting accepted into Medical school, I know Penn will fully prepare me for a successful life and career.

Hand-in-hand with Penn's undergraduate schools is its academics. With professors such as chemistry Professor Negishi-winner of a Nobel Prize in chemistry and whose work with carbon structures I find particularly interesting-I will be able to learn from and interact with teachers exceptionally skilled in their fields. I can already imagine myself absorbed in my freshman year Biology 121 class taught by Dr. Rea, rapidly taking notes and fully engrossed in the intricate details of molecular life.

Aside from the academics, the students and life at the University of Pennsylvania are a large contributing factor of why Penn is my top choice school. Penn has a unique variety of extracurricular activities, leaving me almost unable to choose which ones to devote my time to. With things like MSA, Running Club, various Activist groups, I know my time will be well spent. Penn is also one of the few schools with a Quidditch team; a sport based on the novel Harry Potter which I can continue from high school. Being a social person, I know that during my 4 years at Penn I will constantly be meeting new people from different backgrounds, cultures, and walks of life.

Being a student at the University of Pennsylvania will give me endless opportunities from having a summer internship working for a biomedical faculty member to simply the experience of going to the Fisher Fine Arts Library for a quiet place to study. With the School of Arts and Sciences, as well as the variety of clubs and groups at the University of Pennsylvania, I am sure I will meet leaders and friends that I will continue to learn from for the rest of my life.
yusra12   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / Common APP Essay: Luxury VS. Struggle [20]

Overall i thought it was pretty good=]
Critiques:
"my biggest safari that summer had been spending two weeks with my grandmother." I dont think "my biggest safari" quite makes sense here. Maybe you should replace it with something else,like "my biggest adventure"?

also the beginnning of the second paragraph is a bit confusing since you never directly "declare" anything in the first paragraph. and maybe you should clarify that you and your twin were considered aliens in comparison to the rest of your peers. Furthermore in the second paragraph,i think you should make your "realizations" a bit clearer. was the first one supposed to be how much you want to travel? But anyway,clearing that up should get rid of the minor confusion in the beginning of the third paragraph.

Other than that,i liked it. Although i think at the end you should elaborate a bit more on the impact of the situation/realizations on you,ect.

sorry if my critiques are harsh at all. good luck!
yusra12   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'medicine is my calling' - Duke Short Essay-help revise [7]

Hey everyone,any help on my Duke supplamental essay is really appreciated. Feel free to be as critical and honest as possible. I'll definately return the favor=]

Prompt:If you are applying to Trinity College of Arts and Sciences, please discuss why you consider Duke a good match for you. Is there something in particular at Duke that attracts you? Please limit your response to one or two paragraphs.

Essay:
In my extended search for the perfect University, my having stumbled across Duke was possibly one of the most fortunate instances in my life. While great academics is exceedingly important to me, I was more so looking for a vibrant community of leaders, friends, and teachers, which is precisely what I found at Duke. I recall playing 'doctor' with my young cousins at the early age of four, and though I was unaware of its complexities at the time, I was thoroughly enticed and instinctively knew that medicine was my calling. The Trinity College of Arts and Sciences proved to be the perfect place to harbor my goals and help them grow into a reality. With 85% of pre-med students getting into medical school, and the variety of summer fellowships available working with skilled researchers, I know Duke will prepare me for a successful life and career.

Aside from the academics, the overall atmosphere of Duke is a major contributor to it being my top school. Even minor details such as the Duke Lemur center-which I would love to volunteer at-or the enthusiasm of the student body before a Blue Devils basketball game gives insight on the character of a school which I would proudly consider my own. I can already imagine myself walking from my east campus dorm to the Gross Chemistry Laboratory for my Chemistry 152L class taught by Dr. Roy, or sipping a smoothie in the Trinity Cafï for a moment of peaceful relaxation. Another aspect of Duke that I admire is its' ability to always want to do better, and to strive for perfection-a quality that I try to implement in myself as well. Rather than simply being content with where it is, Duke is constantly improving, whether it be through constructing a new Center for Interdisciplinary Science Research, renovating Belltower dorms, or simply expecting more of their students' abilities. With the Trinity College of Arts and Sciences,as well as the variety of groups and clubs at Duke university,I know I will meet leaders and friends that I will continue to learn from throughout my university years and for the rest of my life.
yusra12   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / Inituitive- UPenn Essay Prompt Answer [6]

Im applying to Penn too=]
i really like it,but i dont think the scenario you give quite fits with your analytical nature. maybe you can talk more about how its analytical?

goodluck with your app!
yusra12   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Classical sentence and Clothing' - Common app Essay [7]

I think you used an interesting an unique concept,your focus just needs to be adjusted a bit. Rather than simply giving instances of clothing in your life,maybe you can talk about how you use clothing to express yourself or something like that,or how you feel the need to fit in/impress through your clothing,and how that contributes to who you are as a person.

good luck!
yusra12   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / JHU Supplement Essay - MAJORS question [4]

Im applying to JHU too=]
I really like the beginning and the overall scenario in general.
the first paragraph is a bitt confusing. is it that youre shocked at wanting to be a doctor because you didnt care about them
"why can I not imagine myself as anything other than a doctor?" you kindof use a double negative there. try rephrasing.
since your essay is too long maybe you can cut out some of the first paragraph like "I had become impartial to the whole scenario. I simply didn't care anymore." since thats restating what was already said.

Also,i think you should end with something about how being a doctor is your passion.
Overall,good work!
Goodluck with your essay,and check out mine if you can=]
yusra12   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / "learning through video games" - Why Computer Science (carnegie mellon) [4]

"I honestly had no idea what I was doing back then and it was a struggle just to remember my locker combination."-i thought that was really funny!

Its interesting that you figured out your passion so early,but i suppose that just makes you a stronger applicant.
Overall,i think you did a great job on your essay. It seems really honest. My only critique is that you reallyy need to make it less vague. I know its crunch time for apps,but i think you should include something about your major,the school youre applying to,ect. Other than that,youre good to go=]

Goodluck on your essay! check out mines if you can.
yusra12   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / WHY NYU?? [5]

NYU( like New York City) never sleeps.
By that I meant that there is always anything to do, if you want to fight against pollution, you have a society for that, if you want to play professional, there are various varsity teams there is always something to tweak with.I think this should be reworded,or cut down to be more concise.

I never gave my studies preference over my extracurricular nor my extracurricularor vice vera so maintaining a balance between my core curriculum classes and extracurricular , can be easily fit in the mold for me

Known for its unique competitive environment, itNew York University will increase my abilities to think out of the box and take critical decisions.

other than those minor things,i think youre good=] is there a word limit? it seems a bit short.
yusra12   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'being a American' - Common APP Achievement Essay [8]

Wow,thats quite a story youve got there. Maybe you should specify why exactly "being an american" is considered an accomplishment to you?

I think overall your essay is good,but i dont think being "american" is really an accomplishment,because it seems like throughout that process you lost who you were,and admissions officers want YOU,not a typical american. Maybe you can talk about how your move to america gave you tons of opportunities,ect.

Hope that helped. check out mine if you can!
yusra12   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'images have lingered to this day' - Cornell College of HumanEc [3]

wow,thats quite a compelling essay. I really like it!
it seems Dasadhikari found all the grammer mistakes,and with content youre good. You can try talking more about your specific major in the college if youd like.

good luck!
yusra12   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Making my mark academically' - Stanford-- What matters to you? and why? [5]

Great essay! I agree with Angad as well. My only critique is that possibly towards the end of the of the essay you could add more detail to further directly answer the prompot of "What matters to you",whether it be engineering,following your dreams,ect.

goodluck with you essay! check out my duke supplement if you can=]
yusra12   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / UVA Super short supplement-Pulchritude is my favorite word. [7]

Hey guys,so the promt was: What is your favorite word and why?
This is pretty last minute,so not exactly my best work. Feel free to be as critical as possible. I dont mind starting over=]
Thanks in advance!
ps,the word limit is 250 but i was only at 170. Im kinda stuck on what to include in the end,so any help with that would be great.

Essay:
Pulchritude-the word I stumbled across when I began to create SAT flashcards towards the end of my junior year. Upon first hearing it, one would think that it must mean something truly hideous; maybe some kind of ancient demonic creature or crude, immoral remark. After searching for its definition I soon learned that Pulchritude actually meant physical beauty, which is quite the opposite of what one would suspect. In a sense, I believe the oddness of this word is what makes it my favorite. Pulchritude, a word that sounds harsh and raw when spoken, is actually one of beauty. I, like the word pulchritude, am not what I seem to be. With my baby face and short stature, from a single glance one would assume I am reserved, quiet, and cautious by nature. But on the contrary, when one looks deeper they soon discover that I love to talk, laugh, and meet new people. I have goals, dreams, strengths, and weaknesses-all contributing to the unique person that i am.
yusra12   
Dec 29, 2011
Writing Feedback / Silent danger - essay [2]

Well,the beginning is pretty captivating. For starters,replace all the 2's with "two". My only question is what point are you trying to get across with your essay?

It would be much better if you stuck with one "end result" and really reflected on it.
hope that helped. goodluck!
yusra12   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / UVA Super short supplement-Pulchritude is my favorite word. [7]

Strawberry78- Actually,what i was trying to get across was rather than the actual definition of pulchritude,its the fact that its definition isnt what would be expected is what relates to me. I guess ill try to convey that better=]

Zhoe- Thanks! Ill work on that.
yusra12   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Common APP Essay: Luxury VS. Struggle [20]

Love it! I think you really did a good job editing it. I didnt catch any grammer issues either. I think youre good to go=]
yusra12   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / Common App Extracurricular Essay - MIST [2]

Any help/critique would be appreciated.
Thanks in advance=]

MIST, otherwise known as Muslim InterScholastic Tournament, consists of over 50 competitions in a range of categories. Upon first seeing this term on a flier at the start of my freshman year, I could only assume it referred to a light drizzle of water, like that of a rainy day. Not having prior experience in an academic tournament, I was hesitant about joining-fearing that I would only humiliate myself in front of hundreds of intellectuals. Nevertheless, I took a leap of courage and signed up on the Maryland regional team. Along the way, I managed to surprise myself. I tried new things, won various trophies, and became an active participant-recruiting many other members. From the intense debate tournaments and fashion design judging to the hilarious nature of improvisational acting, MIST has broadened the spectrum of my capabilities and allowed me to do more than I thought possible. Through MIST I found my voice, and met many amazing people; my freshman year risk was well worth it.
yusra12   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Reading is my guilty pleasure' - Upenn Introduce yourself [12]

so i REALLY need help choosing between these two. Theyre nowhere nearrr being complete. Also editing whichever one you think is better would be great

Prompt:Optional short essay: introduce yourself to Penn. Our aim is to better understand how your identity, talents, and background guide your day-to-day experiences.(150 words)

Version 1:
Reading is my guilty pleasure. When I crack open a book, whether it be on a crowded train or while I sit cozily a couch in my living room, it never fails to transport me to a different reality. As an anonymous character once said "Anyone who says they have only one life to live must not know how to read a book". Reading is my parallel universe-at times even superior to my dreams. Through a book I get to witness first-hand the trials of Harry Potter, converse with Gatsby about his love for Daisy, and enjoy the wonders of Narnia. I can climb Mount Everest, see the view from the Eifel tower, and get lost in New York City.

120/150 words
Version 2:
A typical morning for me begins with a simple but grueling task: running. While some days I find it impossible to leave the warmth and comfort of my own bed, I am usually out of the door in a few minutes time. My routine is never the same; sometimes I'll take a light jog around my neighborhood. Other times, I will run like a raving bear is after me, expending all my energy. When I need motivation, my iPod is there with upbeat tunes, pushing me to go even father. Whether I'm strolling through the neighborhood or increasing my endurance, running jump starts my morning and I always wind up at my front porch: Right in time to begin my typical school day.

123/150 words
yusra12   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Reading is my guilty pleasure' - Upenn Introduce yourself [12]

Igor- I get what youre saying,but the second one seems really cliche now that i think about it. so ill just stick with the first one=]

Everyone else-thanks so much! Im short on the word limit,so is there anything i should add/change?
yusra12   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Reading is my guilty pleasure' - Upenn Introduce yourself [12]

Change of topic
So i wrote a completely different version. Please tell me whether you still prefer the first one over this!
Thanks in advance.

I have a fancy for writing letters. I cannot even begin to recall the first time I started writing letters. It may have alluded to passing notes in elementary school, or middle school. It may have simply been out of boredom, or because I had not seen a close friend in a long time. Whatever the reason may have been my habit of writing letters had begun. The classic act of simply folding a handwritten letter into an envelope, and sending it on a journey to its destination is an act that cannot be replaced by an email, text, or even a phone call. My letters are like fingerprints: never the same, each carries its own purpose, varying in the curves of my handwriting or different shades in my array of pens. [ending to be determined]
yusra12   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Are they going to make it?' - Johns Hopkins #1 [4]

My ten year old mind thought then

I dont really understand what youre trying to say here. I think you should reword the beginning a bit. maybe you should put this directly after the first sentance. Other than that,i think you did a good job=]
yusra12   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / "Sadness"- Yale supplement [9]

Well,for starters you should probably cut out the part about the beer+anything else that makes you seem irresponsible. Maybe a few other parts in the middle you could remove since thats where your essay starts to lose focus. also,is your essay structured in paragraphs? If not,i would really reccomend doing that.

goodluck!
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