Writing Feedback / WHY DRUGS are used by teenagers? [3]

Great Essay though! There was this sentence: . With the help of using drugs, they can get rid of these emotional pressures such as anger, stress and depression, and forget everything and relax. Too many ands in one sentence.

Also, there is another situation of group acceptance, for example, a guy may not like or want to use drugs but he may want to be part of the group of guys who fel depressive like him, soo he might imitate them and use drugs.

Also implys that there is an example, so delete the for example.
Over all- One word
Using drug is a critical and vital issue which needs a solution urgently and it is the responsibility of all people. Drug should be plural-drugs

Writing Feedback / College - the best time when a person participates in other activities which broadens his knowledge [7]

Even though some people think that college is not the best time of one' s life but I think otherwise. as I feel college is one of the best times for a person. I have three points to state why college is the best time. [Okay, don't write I have three points to state in your introduction. That isn't, you know, the usual.

In the end, I feel that college is the best time when a person learns not even [NOT ONLY] the studies but also participate in other activities which broadens their knowledge.

Secondly, there are a number of activities in the [A] college in which a student can participate. like the sports activities or events being organized by different clubs [Write something like this: For example, students can participate in numerous sports activities or events that are organized by different clubs.]

there are more grammer mistakes but ill correct them later I have to go now sorry

Scholarship / mechanical and electrical engineering in Turkey- scholarship [3]

Red means delete or something is wrong that you have to fix. There is something about your essay that I can't seem to explain, so I will let someone else fix it. Don't take my corrections seriously, maybe some of them are unnecessary. But your essay doesn't seem to be original, that's all how I can put it.

The faculty that I am going to pursue is a mechanical and electrical engineering. There are many reasons why I want to study exactly [about] this department. However, I would like to list only the most important ones of them. [Yet, only one reason outshines the others.] Firstly, up to 11th grade I had always preferred only humanities classes and imagined myself as a diplomat or someone like that in the future, and had always dreamed that I would continue my studies in the field of economics. At that time I had never coped well with humanities classes as here in [in contrast to] science lessons such as math, physics and chemistry. But one day I realized that I had to experience something different and unusual. And it was physics. [That something happened to be physics]I started to learn it more and more every single day. It really interested me. So, eventually my opinion changed at once. I decided to continue studies at university in the field of engineering.

The second reason concerns my plans in the way that I want to bring much benefit to my country working as a contributing and a very effective engineer in the future. It is the most important goal that I want to achieve in my life. Because, currently, in my view, our country needs qualitative individuals who are very capable to their work . So [ a better way would be to say therefore or as a result], I am sure that I will be in the list of these engineers.

As for that, why I chose exactly Turkey, I would claim that Turkey possesses all factors that could enable any prospective student to feel satisfied, including me, too . For me, it is a golden opportunity to study in Turkey. In fact, most Turkish technical universities have a strong curriculum to offer such as Middle East Technical University, Bogazici University or let's take Istanbul Technical University as well with [ and equipped with] highly-qualified professors. Moreover, if we look at Turkey from the economic aspect, it will be obviously seen that Turkey is one of the dynamically-developing countries. Terms both financial and spiritual are getting better and better every day. So, it's all the reasons why I want to study in Turkey.

Writing Feedback / Definition of heroes - Gandhi, Luther King, Lincoln essay [4]

a ten to eleven, probably a 10 perhaps
I graded this according to your use of vocabulary and grammer. Don't try to use the word things in your essay. Also, you have great idea flowing ideas, however, it seems that you used a thesaurus for your essay. Your word choice does not seem to be original, you get what I mean?

Book Reports / Hamlet - Essay Structure (thematic examples?) [2]

I have not read Hamlet by Shakespeare for a long time. However, based on your question, I can formulate an answer. Write about what happened as a result of when _______ took revenge at _______. Talk about how it affected the whole play and how it makes you like the play even more. Structure it according to the importance of the question.

Writing Feedback / Definition of heroes - Gandhi, Luther King, Lincoln essay [4]

go to this website it will help articulate

info.gcsu.edu/intranet/univ_senate/Feb_23_04/Feb_04/newsat_scoring.pdf

Essays / 'A basis for human rights' - What would you tell the founding fathers? [7]

Thanks so much! That was only a short section of my essay. My essay is actually a lot longer. Maximum is 400 words, however. I don't get what you mean by ou could add the contrast between what was written, "give me your poor, your hungry,..."

Book Reports / Final Exam Paper - Thoreau's Philosophy on Simplicity [2]

Just wanted to say, thanks for looking at my thread! :)
It'd be simple to make and, most importantly, it'd satisfy that which [perhaps the word "what" would be better here] is important, our bodies.

Sure [ delete the word sure] cell phones, computers, and even trains may seem like the world is progressing, but these new technologies seem to add further to the complexity that is the world.

Great essay!!! Yet, I may be wrong, but you may need to talk about more specifically about Warden's excerpt. You give a lot of awesome examples (I liked the one about alphabet soup) , but you the examples are related to simplicity, yet not related to Warden's excerpt.

Writing Feedback / (disobeying citizens / doctor cat) - Short articles [2]

blue means add red means delete
It is reported that the Government is making a new plan to struggle against disobeying citizens, whatever age they are. As "CNN breaking news" reports, there recently have [has ] been several vicious assassinations of homeless animals in the area of 55th street in Boston, Massachusetts.

Many dogs and cats were killed by teenagers, who are still not identified by witnesses. As Clive Evans, the witness, reports, "they were wearing something like hoodies, there were knives sparkling in their hands and their faces were veiled. ". "CNN" believes that those teenagers are used to sitting on their hands and just looking for something that would entertain them.

The reason for those unexplainable acts is the wrong upbringing, Ann Ross, the physiologist says. Adults don't pay attention on their kids: they leave them alone while working, don't teach them to be kind, never talk to them about their problems. "The entire negative comes from the very childhood," missisMrs. Ross told to "CNN".

The other thing is that law-abiding citizens are expressing the deep grief, they are scared and infuriated. People are astonished with anti-moral behavior of their children's peers. "We are going to hold it down, even if we'll have to make a new law. Violence must be defeated. Our children are to form the future of the country. And we, adults, are to form our children", Mitt Romney, the governor of Massachusetts declared yesterday.

Scholarship / 'I have worked too hard' - 250 Word Essay of why I deserve a Scholarship [4]

Great Essay! But talk about HOW YOU WORKED HARD! you wrote that you said that I deserve this scholarship because I have worked too hard to end in poverty like so many generations of my family before me. explain this to me. How have you worked hard? Give me some more reasons (GPA, homework, supporting family.) I know that you have worked 30 hours a week at an internship- everyone has to do that.

Book Reports / "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time" - not Christopher's disability [2]

Blue=delete Red=change Green=Add
As a result, Christopher is unable to develop his full potential and becoming (becomes) as useful an useful asset to the population as he might have been, creating a vicious cycle.\

By acting like this [clarify-what do you mean by this], the general public are disadvantaging Christopher by discriminating and insolating him from the rest of society.

His mother, though kind and loving, having [has] written forty-three letters over the course of the novel despite getting no response, is often embarrassed to be with him in public and prone to breakdowns when things do not go her way.

These reasons all contribute to the ways Christopher is disadvantaged in this world.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

thank you so much I will post my essay as soonas I am done you are a spectacular contributor

Undergraduate / UC Transfer Prompt: 1 and 2 (How I found myself & overcame depression) [12]

For UC Transfer Prompt 1, I think that you should add more details about volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities. You describe the activities in the school classroom, yet not outside of school. Have you ever been involved in something that regards philosophy: perhaps a philosophy club? :)

Great essays though!
By the by, what college is UC anyway?

Essays / How to convert a 3-point thesis statement into an idea. Essay on Short Story. [2]

The narrator and main character Montresor manages to succeed in punishing his secret enemy, Fortunato, with impunity by not having any sort of legal punishment placed upon himself, nor any feelings of guilt of his wrong doing and not having any misfortune happen to him during or long after his questionable, although justifiable to Montresor, revenge on Fortunato.

This is a good idea here: The ends justify the means.
You can go search it up. It means that whatever you do, the outcome always undos all the bad things you've done. So, Montresor went through a lot to punish his enemy, and in the end it was worth it.

Or you can say something about revenge: like revenge is bad and quote something

Undergraduate / UC Transfer Prompt: 1 and 2 (How I found myself & overcame depression) [12]

Well, have you ever taken any classes or read any books considering philosophy? That would be another alternative. Yeah, I know what you are saying when there are no internships or volunteer services related directly to philosophy.

Either way, your essays are great.

I was never the overachiever; I've always consider myself an underdog. add a semicolon here
Felt [Feeling ] so close to dying, I didn't eat nor socialized, I was just waiting for the day so it could end.
Eventually I had an epiphany, [and I saw] I was self destructing, and I wasn't helping myself.

In community college, it was where I found myself.　 You used past tense in all the other sentences you have to use WAS here.
Every problem I have now is easy compared to depression, as depression made me into a better problem solver.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

I have my revised essay above please take a look the maximum is 400 words but I have 467

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

You should be a contributor! No doubt about it!!! :D thanks so much

Undergraduate / UC Transfer Prompt: 1 and 2 (How I found myself & overcame depression) [12]

red means delete green means add
weighting- weighing
In high school at best I was a B student p[at best] when I tried, [and frankly enough] I never really tried actually

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

can more people look at my thread thank you so much though i will look at your threadDo you think the questions are okay I'm a little worried. Yeah, they do sound a little cliche. How do you think I should fix it

Undergraduate / College essay- my mother's Schizophrenia has impacted my life? [4]

yeah it's pretty good but I think you used a thesaurus on some of the words.
the length is okay
service/solutions- use solutions
always/usually-use always
word choice is mainly okay, but I think that bounty of potential is okay, but you might be able to think of something better

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

I was wondering that don't you think that the questions are sort of cliche.Sorry, BachChaconne2. You're right; I should come up with my own.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

thanks

Undergraduate / 'When one dies...' - What experience defines you as a person? [4]

The essay defines yourself wonderfully as a person and as someone who perseverance when faced with hard times. You did seem to have a little problems with grammar and word choice, however, those are small things compared to your essay. There are also a few run-on sentences.

These two sentences should be deleted: Also, I know that you were probably expecting an answer that showed how hard I worked, how I well I did and or how I achieved in a certain situation or contest. Know that, I chose this as my answer because this experience has truly been what defined me as a person most and I just want you to know how amazing these two men are.

Please take a look at my founding father thread, if you have time.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

everyone please look at my revised essay above I need help
thank you so much hadi

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

oh do you think that I can start off the essay with something about fathers day. I want to play a pun on (founding) fathers day and thank my founding fathers for everything they have done ie. the examples that I put

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

yeah I agree with you. But do you know how to make it more creative? I think my sentences are sort of grouped like a normal essay, no sense of creativity or that free sense of writing. I am participating in a writing contest, and this girl was the winner of last year's writing prompt. This year has a new writing prompt. But look at the way she writes, with so much creativity.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

oh yes I'm dearly sorry michael go to this website and click read winning essay vfw.org/Community/Patriot-s-Pen/ oh yeah this is my new revised essay plz take a look

Writing Feedback / 'perception and life stages' - Why is happiness difficult to define? [5]

it is a good essay, however, you are not answering the prompt" Why is happiness difficult to define?"
Your response is attaining happiness, which is only part of the prompt.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

But I think that if I write thank the founding fathers for their contributions, that is what everybody will write. I want something unique. I think that it might be better if I write about how the contributions that they made affected society. are you saying that I should write about the constitution, bill of rights, etc. do you think I have a chance of winning through this essay? there are 50 national winners in the competition, and the one you read was first place.

. Please be strict and honest when you reply to the question about whether I will win. I am 12 years old, so I don't know about my skill.

what score would you give me out of 100? :)

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

thank you can you give me an idea of what I would get out of a 100 point scale I really don't know how to revise this essay and what your guidelines mean. I think it is pretty good, but I see what you mean. Can you give me some more examples?

also, I was thinking that the Statue of Liberty emphasizes freedom, right?
Furthermore, our founding fathers emphasized the importance of freedom through the bill of rights
that is a connection right? I thought the connection was implied.
Also, can you point out some other things that are non relevant?
can you show me what you mean by adding contributions. I think you mean the Bill of Rights, Declaration of Independence, etc.
Do you think the statements between the paragraphs are rhetorical? Also, do you think my way of communicating is okay?

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

thank you so much Susan. Can more people look at my essay? I think my ideas might be a little off. What score would you give me out of 100? Please be honest.

Graduate / 'Coming back to Iraq' - Future plans. Is there a mis-in the following formula [2]

yes there is. red is what I have changed
My future plans include coming back to Iraq and continue of researches and developing my Specialize. Then, I look forward to serve my country to participate in the reconstruction through my current position or by teaching in Iraqi universities that is one of my biggest ambitions.

revise it to something similar to this: My future plans include coming back to Iraq and continuing my research and achieving my biggest ambitions . Then, I look forward to serve my country to participate in reconstruction through my current position and by teaching in Iraq universities.

please look at my thread

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

thank you can you give me an idea of what I would get out of a 100 point scale I really don't know how to revise this essay and what your guidelines mean. I think it is pretty good, but I see what you mean. Can you give me some more examples?

also, I was thinking that the Statue of Liberty emphasizes freedom, right?
Furthermore, our founding fathers emphasized the importance of freedom through the bill of rights
that is a connection right? I thought the connection was implied.
Also, can you point out some other things that are non relevant?
can you show me what you mean by adding contributions. I think you mean the Bill of Rights, Declaration of Independence, etc.
Do you think the statements between the paragraphs are rhetorical? Also, do you think my way of communicating is okay?

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

it is okay michael f.
thank you can you give me an idea of what I would get out of a 100 point scale I really don't know how to revise this essay and what your guidelines mean. I think it is pretty good, but I see what you mean. Can you give me some more examples?

also, I was thinking that the Statue of Liberty emphasizes freedom, right?
Furthermore, our founding fathers emphasized the importance of freedom through the bill of rights
that is a connection right? I thought the connection was implied.
Also, can you point out some other things that are non relevant?
can you show me what you mean by adding contributions. I think you mean the Bill of Rights, Declaration of Independence, etc.
Do you think the statements between the paragraphs are rhetorical? Also, do you think my way of communicating is okay?
I have another essay written according to your guidelines. It is not finished, but I think it is better. Can you which of the two essays I have below are better? I personally like the second one, but the first one better follows your guidelines.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

thanks michael, but just an afterthought: I was wondering that the first essay doesn't really have the kind of sentences essay 2 has. I mean essay 1 is more grouped together, not flowing easily. I dunno. What about you?

Are you going to be a contributor? I will post my essay as soon as I am done.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

which essay are you grading number 1 or number 2
thanks though I am really ashamed of myself
40 points, wow really But thanks for your help

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

thanks for encouragement :D
what do you mean by the "original essay?"
are you talking about the essay that I wrote when I first started this thread? By that I mean the first post in this thread, and that was my essay.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

I don't want to take too much of your time, sorry if I am. :)
But can you just grade this essay. I posted it in another thread and they said that the essay was really good. The moderators said it was one of the best essays she ever read. So I was wondering if you grade it out of 100 points like you did previously. Thanks:)

It is 5 A.M. on a Sunday morning. Needing a temporary reprieve from reality, I sneak out onto my balcony. From there, I stare out into the pre-dawn darkness and gaze at the faint outlines of Lady Liberty's flaming torch and spiked crown. Tall and powerful, her very presence offers a sense of freedom and a new beginning.