Undergraduate / Comm. app. short essay; "Sub! Sub!" my coach screamed impatiently at the referee [12]

Well, this is supposed to be 150 words, but mine is 279 words. I need to condense it. Please comment on the content. Is it too boring? Does it make sense? Does it answer the prompt? Please critique!! Any help is greatly welcomed. Also, do you guys have any idea how to revise this sentence: In that instant, I became aware of the true spirit of the game. I'm not too fond of that sentence. Thank you all in advance. =)

In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience) (150 words or fewer).

"Sub! Sub!," my coach screamed impatiently at the referee. The referee glared at him and slowly executed the desired substitution. Suddenly, the coach turned around, and quickly scanned each of the bench players. Noticing his intent, I instantly looked down, clearly avoiding his eyes. This was my first volleyball game, and although I was convinced that I would not be an active player this match, I shut my eyes and hoped that my number would not be called. "21 for 3!," my coach shouted, after what seemed like hours of deliberation. 21?! Alarmed, I looked up at my coach, whose stern gaze offered no explanation. "Let's go," the referee barked. A white "Tachikara" ball met my sweaty palms, while my trembling knees made their way past the 9m line. I had only been involved with the sport for a mere 3 weeks, yet the coach had given me the task of executing the serve. I precariously glanced at my teammates, whose smiles and nods offered me assurance. Briefly, I glimpsed over the girls on the bench, and a wave of cheers exploded across the court. A rush of confidence fed my anxiety, and a smile escaped my lips. In that instant, I became aware of the true spirit of the game. In three short weeks, I had obliviously made many friends - ones who eagerly cheered my name for the sole purpose of offering me condolence. Determination burned in my eye, and strength surged through my arms. I threw the ball up in the air, tightened my wrist, and smacked it with all the power I could. Silence enveloped the court. The point was ours and the game was sealed.

Undergraduate / Penn professor essay ("It is the organ"). What do you think? [8]

ugh...i kind of hate this. it just seems so flat and boring. i want them to know that i am passionate about the field, but this essay doesn't seem to accomplish that. any thoughts? also, how can i revise the last sentence? thanks a lot.

Penn offers its undergraduates an eminent faculty and a wealth of research opportunities. Use the space below to name a Penn professor with whom you would like to study or conduct research and explain why. (1000 characters)

It is the organ which distinguishes us from all other living creatures. It molds our thoughts, fabricates our dreams, and stores our fantasies. It is the human brain - the only organ capable of controlling our bodily functions, from language and emotion, to memory and movement. At the University of Pennsylvania, I eagerly aspire to study with Dr. Javier Medina, conducting research in the areas of cognitive and behavioral neuroscience, fields that fuel my curiosity and captivate my interest. Dr. Medina is currently conducting experiments that study the neural processing in normal mice and in genetically engineered mouse models. He seeks to understand the link between neural activity and motor skills in the brain. Equipped with the tools of psychology and computational neuroscience, Dr. Medina investigates motor dysfunctions in the brain, and hopes to identify possible treatments of movement disorders. With countless publications, and a burning passion for the field, I believe Dr. Medina would unquestionably be the ideal mentor for me.

Undergraduate / "Substitution! 21 for 3!" Short response for common app! Leave comments! [11]

Since I had to condense this so much, I'm afraid it lost that emotion it once had. Just tell me what you think. Does it make sense, and is it any good?

In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience) (150 words or fewer).

"Substitution! 21 for 3!" my coach screamed impatiently. 21?! Since this was my first volleyball game, I had been convinced that my number wouldn't be called. As my trembling knees reluctantly advanced past the serve line, I nervously glanced at my teammates. Suddenly, a wave of cheers exploded across the court. In just three weeks, I had obliviously made many friends - ones who eagerly cheered my name to offer me condolence. Determination burned in my eye, and strength surged through my arms. I threw the ball in the air and smacked it with abounding power. Victory was ours.

Since that day, volleyball has become my passion and I dedicate both time and energy to mastering its techniques. Although the sport teaches you to thrive on individual achievement, it also disciplines through dependence and friendship. The grueling practice sessions instill solid bonds between members, and the laughter shared creates unforgettable memories.