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Posts by luky0ne
Joined: Dec 26, 2012
Last Post: Jul 6, 2013
Threads: 7
Posts: 27  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 34
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luky0ne   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Telekinesis' ; MIT short essay [6]

I like the essay a lot! You hit the point of "What attribute of your personality are you most proud of" with a great example. The second part (how has it impacted your life so far) though isn't really clear to me. I only noticed one point on it " I am still proud of the open-mindedness I tend to show when coming across various concepts"

read my essay too! :)
luky0ne   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Lego Cars; MIT App/ Pleasure activity [3]

We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it. (*)(100 words or fewer)

Stack a piece on top of another and you get one structure, switch it around and you can get a completely different structure; the endless possibilities that stem from simple pieces is where my passion for building began. Every contraption I think up, I am able to build and tinker with; starting from the basic Lego car to now working with VEX robotics, I have built a multitude of designs. For me building is a way to express my thoughts, a way to bring my ideas to life; it is what I love doing!

criticize please :D
luky0ne   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Born in Miami & grew up in Beijing/ My World [3]

I love how you answered the prompt! For the first paragraph I can relate, but only 4 years in China for me. In the second paragraph I don't think the sentence: "Adrenaline flooded my veins and serotonin inundated my neurotransmitter." is really relevant, seems more like showing off vocab, but that just may be me.

P.S. aren't they already making cheap laptops available to Africa?
luky0ne   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / MIT's Department of Mechanical Engineering; MIT App/program and why? [2]

Although you may not yet know what you want to major in, which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why? (*) (100 words or fewer) Truly, we're asking only because we're curious about what interests you right now. Writing "underwater basket weaving" will not give you an edge in the admissions process, so just be honest!

Every time I build, my mind ponders how the end product will function; how having a certain overall shape or placement of parts could increase the effectiveness of the robot. Every time I do calculus or physic problems, I wonder how they are applied in real life; how we can send current through a coil to transform electrical energy to mechanical as in a motor and then optimize that for maximum efficiency between power and speed. It is my passion to build, improve upon, and understand how things function that has led me to choose MIT's Department of Mechanical Engineering!

Criticize please :)
luky0ne   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / I love being stubborn; MIT/ Characteristic [4]

What attribute of your personality are you most proud of, and how has it impacted your life so far? This could be your creativity, effective leadership, sense of humor, integrity, or anything else you'd like to tell us about. (*) (200-250 words)

Taking a step in the wrong direction may be the first step towards success.
During my Sophomore year I asked many of my upperclassmen what classes were best to take Junior year and, though there was a variety of replies, no one recommended AP physics. Instead many of them recommended NOT taking that class, saying it was way to difficult and that almost no one got a natural A. After hearing this, I was hesitant to take AP physics from the possibility that it could drop my average, but for some reason I still took it. To my dismay it was as difficult as they described it. I failed my first test, but I wasn't going to allow the class to become impossible. Through a bit of studying and asking questions I was able to pull up my failing grade, from an F to one of the few natural As'!

I found the impossible class possible, and would've regretted not taking it. That is why the trait I'm most fond of is being stubborn. When everyone was telling me not to take the class, I still took it, not to be rebellious, but because I knew I could do it. Just like when Faraday published his findings on the connection between electricity and magnetism despite criticism and disbelief from fellow scholars; He knew it was there even when everyone else said it wasn't.

criticize please :D. Oh and i feel like this example is insufficient :/ it isn't really that "big"
luky0ne   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / "WAKE up, your liaison is here"; Common app/Short answer/ [5]

"Something had to be done, my newly found passion for aiding unfortunate people continued to blossom." ? when did it begin, at the beginning it seemed like the passion wasn't there

"Something had to be done and I knew I could help. My newly found passion for aiding unfortunate people continued tothereby blossomed ."

read mine :)
luky0ne   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / "For Christ and His Kingdom"; Wheaton Supp/ Why Wheaton? [7]

rules which

add a comma in between

best-sellers cannot tell. And

the period is unnecessary, try a comma

between religion and education is amazing to me.

amazing doesn't sound right. try "caught my eye"?

there is not a concept of the conflicts

huh? um try "there aren't conflicts"?

building the church and improving society world-wide

isn't the church already there, if not then ignore this. "improving the church and society world-wide"

world-wide, the massive international opportunities and the best campus food in the USA, Wheaton is the place where I really want to be in my coming unforgettable years.

way too wordy. um try "world-wide, I know Wheaton , a college known for its opportunities and outstanding food, is where I need to be"

read mind :D
luky0ne   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / I was a shy boy with no English knowledge; MIT short essay- Finding myself [3]

Tell us about the most significant challenge you've faced or something important that didn't go according to plan. How did you manage the situation?(*) (200-250 words)

Everyone wants to have their voice heard, but ever since I was small this has been a difficult thing to do. I started my life off in China and moved to the US at the age of 4 as a shy boy with no knowledge of English, into a neighborhood that had no Asians. I was in the extreme minority. Because of this I tried so hard to fit into the dominantly-Caucasian community, with no avail. The bullies would continue to take interest in me as the lonely Asian and, even when I notified the teachers, nothing would change. As life continued I would become accustom to the daily routine of what I can do and what I can't, but before I became comfortable with this, I would move and restart the whole process. Life was dreadful, and I would always wonder "why can't they accept me?" It wasn't until later on did I find the answer.

After switching school systems 4 times, I decided to stop trying to fit in; I was going to focus only on my goals. Surprisingly this was the solution; it wasn't that other people wouldn't accept me, it was that I didn't accept myself. I've always tried to blend into society, believing it was the best thing to do, by dissolving my individuality, but it was the other way around: I blended in by expressing my individuality. Now in High school, I'm no longer the lonely Asian boy, but the confident teen that many thinks has it all: confidence, intelligence, and friends!

Criticize please :). Oh and its hitting 259 words, any suggestions on shortening?
luky0ne   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / Make others Happy; Yale/ What matters? [3]

to collect, deliver, or sort food items

"by collecting, delivering, or sorting food items"

the family

"her family"

Other than that good essay :). If you want to lengthen it you could add how your siblings reacted to your re-wrapped gifts or a more detailed description of what you do at the county food bank.
luky0ne   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / MagLev; Cornell / Building interest. [NEW]

Cornell:Tell us about an engineering idea you have, or about your interest in engineering. Describe how your ideas and interests may be realized by - and linked to - specific resources within the College of Engineering. Finally, explain what a Cornell Engineering education will enable you to accomplish.(500 Word)

Every time I build, my mind ponders how the end product will function; how having a certain overall shape or placement of parts could increase the effectiveness of the machine. In the science Olympiad event, MagLev, this was essential.

My first impression of MagLev was "this will be so easy, the descriptions practically tells you how to build it." This turned out to be a big understatement. My first maglev was a rectangle piece of foam board with 2 pillars sticking above it, to hold the motor, and 3 magnets taped on the bottom of each side, north facing down. I thought my maglev had a good chance, it was sturdy and the fan produced a good breeze, but at the first testing everyone's maglev was similar. We all used either a block or a board for the base and then just mounted a motor; from looking at other people's Maglevs we came to the conclusion that the best motor equaled the best maglev. After testing started though a problem arose; every Maglev that used a board as their base would tend to rotate, and every Maglev that used a block as their base would have too much contact with the side of the tracks to move at all. It turned into a competition of who's fan could overcome the friction, a futile competition where the friction always won. In the end no one's Maglev moved, but everyone, including the teachers, gained a new impression of the event.

Since then every time I think about Maglev I would ponder on how to overcome the balance problem. I've build 3.5 Maglevs since then; one where the vehicle is at a slight angle, looking like a bent piece of paper; one where the two boards are connected like a I beam but with 2 middle supports, and the magnets connected to the top board to get the most support from the 4cm tall walls; one that is my primary design, but with a magnet in the middle that repels because of the angle between the track magnets and it; and one that I'm currently working on that is similar to the second design, but inside a coke can. And though I've somewhat overcome the balancing problem, I know it can be better. It is this constant thought of improvement, optimization, and innovation that draws me into engineering.

At Cornell's College of Engineering I hope to continue fueling my interest. The co-op program will allow me to have the best experience in whatever interests I may partake; The college offers a Masters in every field that interest me, particularly mechanical engineering, chemical engineering and computer science, so I would still have time to choose; and the diversity will help me not only develop as an engineer, but also a social person. Cornell is where I can become a successful engineer and a well-rounded person!

Criticize please :)
luky0ne   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / I wanted them to be moved; UPenn Supp- Ben Franklin! [4]

The prompt asks to focus on yourself. These parts aren't really essential, try replacing them with your early experiences with tennis or something about yourself.

Read my essay too! :)
luky0ne   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / ''Meet the Northern Flicker'' ; Pomona College/ Walking down the street [5]

You talk about one experience all the way through and it shows well as a keen interest, but why do you like birds? I think you should add a sentence or 2 about that near the end. Other than that the essay is well written :). The words flow together and you don't lose the reader anywhere.

Read mine please :)
luky0ne   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / Vastness of the COSMOS; NYU / What Intrigues You? [8]

It is a good essay with a lot of details. You hit every point of the prompt: What intrigues you, Tell us about it, and explain its significance.

How the familiar night sky is actually a glimpse into the history of the universe, when so many people look up to it for answers to the future.

If the universe is repeating itself, then isn't it a indicator of the past and the future?

Read mine too please
luky0ne   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / Best Buddies; Common App/ Extracurricular [10]

Igniting a smile is remarkable. Recognizing the impact that you are developing on someone's life is beyond words.

I believe your beginning is too fragmented try "Igniting a smile and recognizing the impact that you are developing on someone's life is...."

But, this passion could be quench by a single friendship.

Doesn't make sense and seems unnecessary.

Otherwise a good essay. You focus on how it impacted you and bragged a little on your position. It also shows your plans for the future.
luky0ne   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Made in China. ' - Cultural Background [4]

Please tell us more about your cultural background and identity in the space below (100 word limit).

Made in China.
Both of my parents are born in China and immigrated to the USA, where they had an "ABC", an American-Born Chinese, me. I have had the opportunity to indulge in both cultures; the Chinese customs and the American ones. My parents would often have a family Christmas celebration and then the Chinese New Year celebration the next month. We would eat the stereotypical rice but with a drink in our hands. In our household we encourage the Asian worth-ethic with the american freedom, a mix that has taught me to work hard towards my goals.
luky0ne   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / Best Buddies; Common App/ Extracurricular [10]

The connection that I formed drove my buddy to conquer his autism. I saw him bloom under our camaraderie.

"The connection that WE formed allowed him to conquer his autism and bloom"

To see my actions produce such a meaningful results was empowering. That friendshipand thereby sparked my lifelong passion for connecting and serving people

Under my leadership we were able

seems like the only "braggy part" any way you can include other members?

Otherwise it is clear that you want to help other kids.

Read my Cultural Background essay please :D
luky0ne   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / Vastness of the COSMOS; NYU / What Intrigues You? [8]

I was stoked to perform in the Troy Savings Bank Music Hall, andwhere every premiere concert of the ESYO season is especially unique

Nothing can compare to performing,playing the final movement and knowing your inspiring others with the music you create; the adrenaline of playing the final movement .

Ever Since beginning

joining extracurricular ensemblesones

lessons;and joining

Music has shaped my high school career and ,my life, and now brought me toreceiving education from Steinhardt at NYU where i canwould further my intentions as a musician.

Conjointly, since a young age I've been very artistic. I'm the kid with bundles of drawings in their desk; the house littered with countless paintings and supplies. The visual arts are another academic interest. With NYU's broad spectrum of classes, I could fulfill both passions and opportunely incorporate them as I become the artist I aspire to be.

-seems unnecessary. You add in a minor topic near the end which , though it hits the prompt, deviates from the rest of the essay.

Overall it's nicely written. You hit the point of "what are your own academic interests?"

Read my cultural background essay please :)
luky0ne   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / Best Buddies; Common App/ Extracurricular [10]

Under leadership me and my buddy, we were

"With my guidance, my buddy and I were"

:) other than that no problems! GL in your application
luky0ne   
Jan 1, 2013
Undergraduate / 'passion for building' - Cornell Supplement, my interest in Engineering [3]

Cornell:Tell us about an engineering idea you have, or about your interest in engineering. Describe how your ideas and interests may be realized by - and linked to - specific resources within the College of Engineering. Finally, explain what a Cornell Engineering education will enable you to accomplish.(500 Word)

A yellow block with 4 circles barely rising from the top. A weird shape, that if you stack on top of another they stick. Legos.
When I turned 6 I recall my first set of Legos, a few, used-up pieces that my dad saw me playing with at the thrift store. It was fascinating how when you stack one on top of another it became one structure, but when you switched it around it became a completely different structure. I could make Lego cars, buildings, and even robots; the possibilities were endless. This fascination later sprouted into a hobby. My brothers and I would build so many different designs, and when we got bored we would go outside and build things from sticks and grass; it's amusing how the simple things interested us so much. Unfortunately my parents thought of Legos as detrimental to my studies and rarely, if ever, bought me new pieces.

In high school, it all came back. VEX robotics. I still recall my first impression of the pieces, "Woah, they're not plastic, but metal, and we are using screws and bolts now? This looks so complex." Getting accustomed to VEX took a bit of time, but after successfully building my first protobot, I had a feeling of accomplishment. Then came the programming, which was similar to Lego Mindstorm, what we practiced with before VEX, but with a lot more functions. Luckily I decided to take AP computer science that year and programming was simple after learning the new programming commands that came with VEX, such as SetMotor(x,y,z). Once I became suited with the pieces and the programming it was all free land. Anything I came up with, I was allowed to build, it was a matter of what worked best. I remember having to rebuild my original robot 4 times before I was satisfied; it was a never-ending quest of improvement, optimization, and innovation.

The endless possibilities that stem from a simple piece is what began my passion for building and since then I have been able to build and tinker with every contraption I think up. For me engineering is a way to express my thoughts, a way to bring my ideas to life;it is what I love doing!

At Cornell's College of Engineering I hope to continue fueling my interest. The co-op program will allow me to have the best experience in every field of engineering that allures me; The college offers a masters in every field that interest me, particularly mechanical engineering, chemical engineering and computer science, so I would still have time to choose; and the diversity will help me not only develop as an engineer, but also a social person. Cornell is where I can not only become a successful engineer but also a well-rounded person!

criticize please :)
luky0ne   
Jan 1, 2013
Undergraduate / Family convinced me my limits; Tufts Sup, How did your environment influence you [5]

I pleaded for my dad todo ask for me, but my dadhe was persistent

Even though it was such a terrifying task in the momentnothing happened, instead I gainedI now hold confidence and now look forward to speaking with those I have just met, as well as in public.

this is a suggestion for a replacement.

Like this post please :)
luky0ne   
Jan 1, 2013
Undergraduate / "The Age of Harmony"; Olin C / front page headline [3]

has revolutionized the world

He has stated that

The "has" seemed unnecessary and removing them will save you words :). Other than that j813wong mentioned it all.

Like the post please :)
luky0ne   
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / 'No playtime and television' - Cornell CALS supplemental essay- why biology? [3]

answers to such questions for suchwhen being a young child,

learning about the wonders of life.

this is quite vague

Spending m ore time at the hospital at an olde

I've researched many colleges in my search for an undergraduate school.

unnecessary

One of these classes is the Human Microbes and Health class. I'd love to learn about how microbes can benefit our health but also cause disease. Also, the major covers a wide range of biology with many subdivisions from the smallest organisms to the largest.

"One of these classes is the Human Microbes and Health class, which covers a wide range of biology with many subdivisions from the smallest organisms to the largest. I'd love to learn..."

I like that ratherthan limiting the learning experience to classrooms, there are also a lot of research opportunities availableare encouraged .

Otherwise a good essay, its on topic and the experience is great :).
Read mine too please
luky0ne   
Jul 6, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY: IMPROVEMENTS OF THE TOURISM INDUSTRY [5]

I believe he means that your essay doesn't stand out among the applicants in the application pool. Going in detail on examples/adding adjectives may attract a bit more attention.
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