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Posts by demuredelight
Joined: Aug 10, 2009
Last Post: Jan 10, 2010
Threads: 2
Posts: 22  
From: China

Displayed posts: 24
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demuredelight   
Dec 16, 2009
Undergraduate / tutoring programs and learning projects - UIUC Essay prompt [5]

ESSAY #2: In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.

Friends, my essay is about a volunteering experience. Please do me a favor to look through my essay for UIUC, thanks a billion!

I am an enthusiastic volunteer who has special compassion for children. I devoted myself in tutoring programs and initiated a service learning project, "Dream beyond Your Limit", together with my three fellow schoolmates. My group proposed to organize activities for two groups of children, namely ones from underprivileged backgrounds and ones fighting against terminal illness as we believe that by offering our love and care, we would be able to restore hope and confidence in their broken hearts. During interaction before the onset of major activities, I found our goal a big challenge. We had overlooked the difference in psychological conditions of these children from the rest: they are apparently innocent kids who feel abandoned and lost; they were easily upset and resort to violence rather than logical reasoning to alleviate anxiety; they demanded attention but could hardly express themselves properly to gain acknowledgement. When we eventually launched the activities, our efforts were handicapped by lack of professional psychology and social work expertise as we were incapable of handling a large crowd of children. We, however, continued and improved the activities to call for their emotional responses. We believed that our perseverance would bring our message across to them that one should not give up one's aspirations easily; moreover, lethal diseases and poor family environment were barriers that could be overcome. At the end of the project, the group and the children established valuable friendship, fueling the children's desire to achieve personal goals. The project not only benefited the participants, but also the organizers who were equipped with project management skills, team spirit and, most importantly, better understanding of the needs of children and other disadvantaged groups. I also decided to pursue a psychology major since then to offer specialized help to the psychologically vulnerable groups.
demuredelight   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / tutoring programs and learning projects - UIUC Essay prompt [5]

Tks for your valuable advice, Kevin. I am just a beginner in this field. I am interested in Carl Jung's theories. These days I am watching Lie to Me, so I become fascinated with studies on deception by Paul Ekman. Should I include what school of thought I favour or which psychologist I admire into my essay? Anyway, I only have 300 to go. Man's Search for Meaning is a nice book!
demuredelight   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Extra Curricular ( Common App) 150 Word Response [3]

Edgar, try to describe a specific cleanup that you organized. It is better that you include details about a challenge and how you overcame it.
demuredelight   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / "Born in China, immersed into a new culture" - Boston University Essay [7]

Hey,Juese,you need to work harder on your language. Do use politically correct wording and avoid making your reader(especially American officer) feel bad!

I was born in China and moved to the United States in the third grade where I was immersed into a new culture. Growing up in a vastly different culture thanfromthe one I grew up inthat of China , I am more diverse than many of my peers. Living in a society that obsessed over football teams and holiday decorations,(too negative, like you are scolding the natives) while coming home to an environment where family members regard that New Yearswas is more important than Christmas allowed me to get the best of both worlds.(this sentence is way too long, buddy. My suggestion is I have to adjust myself in two completely different cultures--one in which my western friends are enthusiastic about Christmas decorations and celebrations, the other in which my family emphasized on Chinese New Year ) These two cultures are a huge part of me, and I will bring my diverse background with me to BU. Not only will my peers and professors at BU get a peek into a culture that can be traced back to more than five thousand years ago, but they will also interact with a hardworking student and compassionate person (being hardworking and compassionate are your virtues, pls feel proud to elaborate) .

The last fourteen years of my life were filled withwere accompanied by strict ballet teachers, tearful lostloss of coveted roles, hectic dress rehearsals, and painful hours on Pointe. However, they were also filled with precious moments on stage where I was the center of attention and the chance to perform on the Kennedy Center stage. These years of ballet have not only taught me to persevere through the disappointments and rejections, but it has also shaped me into a more confident individual. In addition to ballet, I became student chair of my school's only fundraiser in my junior year. This opportunity allowed me to interact with my teachers and the school's board of directors on more personal bases and understand these strangers who, in my eyes, used to mean nothing more than a means to good grades. I gradually began to see my teachers who brought more to the table than just their masters and doctorates in their respected subjects. I discovered that they each brought with them a different life story and with that, insights and perspectives into my life based on their experiences.

As college becomes the immediate future and narrowing down the gap between me and themy top colleges becomes a priority; I feel Boston University is a great fit for me. Not only am I more than adequately prepared to tackle the challenging curriculum at BU, but I also hope to enhance the already remarkable BU community by taking an active roll in campus activities (hopefully the BU's dance team) and getting to know my professors and peers beyond the daily classroom setting. I hope to be able to confide (i dun quite get what you mean here) in my professors and to discuss subjects beyond my test grades and homework assignments.
demuredelight   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Johns Hopkins Supplement Essay--undecided...major help. [12]

Hi, Sadhvi, from your first paragraph, I got a very strong hunch that you are going to pursue a major related to biochemistry. So I was quite suppressed to read that you were undecided on your major yet. I suggest that you can keep your first para but make it that your interest have been changing over the years (eg. doctor, chemist, lab attendant, bioengineer, writer, mathematician).

All the best!
demuredelight   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Infinities of Chess - U of I at Urbana Champain Essay [8]

hi,the para is written. Ending with "Checkmate!" is kinda interesting.
One suggestion: you focus more on what is chess and what chess brings but ignore the most important person, you! You can gear your sentences a bit to make the impact made by chess unique to you and you only! More, if space allows, you can add in an experience when you utilize concepts you've learnt from chess to solve problems in reality.

Merry Christmas!
demuredelight   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / I was completely ignored by Freshman Mentor; COMMON APP [19]

As a freshman, I walked down the halls of my high school with eyes full of fear, unsure what to expect from this strangeunfamiliar place. I was introduced to an upperclassman, but this upperclassman did not want to push me into a locker. He was my Freshman Mentor, a leader assigned to help me have a successful freshman year by ensuring I would not fail my classesthat I would be doing fine in the classes(this sounds not so positive. Mentors do not expect students to fail all times.) . Being a motivated individual, I was never a "concern" . I was ignored and no interest was shown for my academic well-being. When I was eligible to become a Freshman Mentor, I applied, was accepted, and wanted to do everything my mentor did not. With the freshman I mentored, I have helped themhim/her academically, no matter if they struggle or succeed with schoolwork , and developed friendships based on trust and compassion, so that their eyes would be full of enthusiasm, unlike myself at that age.

Erin, cut down the part you describe your mentor and make the part of you being mentor more detailed. More, dun make it sound like a revenge. You can give reasons of you being responsible: you like mentoring and interacting with people, or you find it helpful to your own schoolwork, or the job equip you social and working skills or...
demuredelight   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Activity Essay-----FBLA; 'The ten of us intently traded glances' [5]

that compels me to participate in my school's Future Business Leaders of America
your paragraph is well written. i like this "Everything from job stability in China to the implications national healthcare may have on the stock market are readily discussed in room C-121. It still amazes me that teenagers (teenagers!) can sit down together and rationally discuss the same issues Warren Buffet and Bill Gates contemplate". you show that you guys are really future leaders of finance.

Keep it up!
demuredelight   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Crockett to INTERPOL - NYU Prompt 3 [7]

Hey, Nick, how about 'The Ogasa'? I was thinking that the simpler, the better. Then it's your story and you are unique.
demuredelight   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / NYU: movie 2050, anticipated academic program, short poem, New Yorker, summer [9]

For the first prompt, Chunghan, the quote is about mistake but your elaboration is more about problems and challenges. You can add in some sentences to explain that confronted by difficulties, you are not afraid of taking challenges or making mistakes because you can turn them into profitable opportunities.

For the second prompt, I suggest you use 'lesson' as the movie name. The prompt required you to summarize your story line so I think it's better that you describe less of the details but to outline what happened in international school that was so important to your future challenges.

For the fourth prompt, you choose Mr. Calvin Klein to spend one day with you in New York City. Yet in your paragraph, the experience is not unique. Maybe you can focus on how he affects your view on fashion industry and business world of New York City.
demuredelight   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Global Business and Entrepreneurship Conference, NYU - Common App Essay [2]

I think you should submit the first essay. It illustrates a complete picture of your growing path. I have been especially moved by the last paragraph when maturity is observed without much explanation. It is well written. The second essay is also not bad. But compared to the first one, it is not that unique. Unless you will pursue a music or art major, the first essay is your better option over the second.
demuredelight   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / My conservative, Asian MOTHER; Tufts Supplement: Let your life speak [5]

Hey, Mirea,
I fully understand how tyrannical East-Asian mothers can be. In your essay, you describe such a family environment with a dominant character. However, the prompt "let life speak" is asking for how your life reflects who you are. Your focus is too much on your mother. "Asking my mom for something requires at least two hours of planning, two hours of practice, and up to a week of waiting for the opportune moment" is an interesting description of your mother but shows little that you are a person not afraid of authority.

My suggestion is that you can write about an incident that you once change your mother's mindset and she eventually understand and accept westernized thinking after you have tried hard to explain to her.
demuredelight   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / What are the benefits of having a diverse educational community? [4]

Hey Rob, I think that you can write this essay in a more personal way. The first paragraph sounds quite general and anybody could produce it after he does some research. But if you start with a personal account and highlight what diversity has brought to you, it will better indicate your personality and quality. Have you any experience of being in a diverse community? Have you been overseas? Any particular incident that make you see the world in a different perspective?
demuredelight   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / What are the benefits of having a diverse educational community? [4]

Hey, big improvement!
In conclusion, diversity in educational communities is beneficial in that it teaches students to be more willing to interact with people who may seem unusual and different from me. (trust me, 'unusual' sounds offensive to foreigners.)
demuredelight   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / AADP charity - Extracurricular Activity for Common App [4]

You can be brief with details of your duties but give more weight to how your experience with AADP affects your personal goals. Since you got a better understanding of plight of patients, you determine to pursue career in healthcare to alleviate their suffering or any other purpose. Make it straightforward.
demuredelight   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / South Korea, Malaysia, and United States - the world you come from [3]

In America, the right of individuality and l iberty are valued greatly.
People expect others to respect his or hertheirprivate and personal sphereprivacy .

Even their mindset, the way of thinking,(repetitive) the viewpoint are formed by the environment and cultures they are surrounded to.

I see that there is just no one rightnot a single accepted social standard or expectation

Here are some similar words for 'culture': social norms, traditions, principles, conventions, moral systems, morals, values, value systems, heritage, practices...
Try your best to vary word choice and sentence structure.
demuredelight   
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / Duke essay and scientific research by a Taiwanese Student [5]

Hi,
A strength of your essay is that you give detailed evidence to show how much you know about Duke.It is great as it is obvious that you did your research well.

I have only a few suggestions for the first essay.Hope it's useful to you.

Think of other words to replace 'help out'like 'solve problems','contribute' and 'devote oneself' to show your strong sincerity
Your explanation elaborates on why you like engineering(being practical) but shows less about why you like biology. Try to give some reasons and make your reasons concrete(e.g., pharmaceutical research)
demuredelight   
Jan 3, 2010
Undergraduate / experience on a project which evoke passion for graphic design--Wisconsin essay [5]

Hey, guys, I'm struggling with Wisconsin's application essay, especially opening and ending. Could you help me proofread the essay and comment on content aspect as well? Thanks a million billion. Leave links to your essays and I would like to give my suggestions to your essays,too.

Here is the prompt:
The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?

Here's my essay:
I have no particular talent; I am merely courageous.
I am courageous to confront new challenges because they are often opportunities in disguise, allowing me to grow and to discover my real passion.
In my first year of junior college curriculum, I have suffered a setback during the completion of the group Project Work. Our three initial proposals were successively denied. My group mates were greatly discouraged and turned to other groups for help. I did not give up then. I convinced my group-mates that we could not afford to lose the opportunity as we would have much to learn in the process. So we continued striving and, eventually, we formulated an innovative idea of establishing a multifunctional online portal. Yet none of us was a graphic designer. To avoid going into a deadlock, I volunteered to be the designer without hesitation despite my little background knowledge on both designing and the relevant computer software. I managed to master skills by myself within weeks. Subsequently, I worked out the web-page templates with my group mates. Our work was later highly praised by the supervisor and turned out to be the highlight for the project.

Since then, I have found a genuine interest in graphic design. I feel a sense of accomplishment being a creator of beauty, when I put all the gorgeous graphic elements together to form a radiant piece just as when I was sketching the tender gradient of an apple in an art class several years ago. Full of passion, I joined the publicity department of the school drama production and the boarding school hall committee as an art director. Designing entry tickets, posters, notice boards and information booklets for school events and festivals has become part of my life afterwards. I also utilized graphic design to spread good wishes via social networking sites. Additionally, I volunteered as an amateur designer in All Saints Presbyterian Church, for example, for the poster of the Easter drama, Living God, Risen Savior. Besides, I participated in The Dustbin Painting Competition in the Green movement and painted my design that aimed to call for environmental protection on the dustbin which was later placed around the boarding school campus where I reside.

It is just one of the many occasions when I explore, learn and commit. With courage, I never stop equipping myself with knowledge and skills that are unfamiliar to me and making them part of my life and my community.

I have no particular talent, but I will enrich the community of University of Wisconsin in each and every aspect.

oh,it looks quite long.Take your time.Thanks again.
demuredelight   
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / experience on a project which evoke passion for graphic design--Wisconsin essay [5]

Actually my opening is a quote from Einstein: "I have no particular talent; but I am merely inquisitive." I changed the last word to be 'courageous'. I'm also afraid that admission officers might not recognize it. Should I indicate that it is a quote? Should I write 'Einstein once said blah blah blah'?

I feel the list is quite lengthy as well. But you know I just feel obligated to write them down as they do not appear anywhere in my application materials. I'll shorten that part.

Regarding the overall theme, in fact, I want to express that I can turn a challenge into a passion. In other words, I not only overcome difficulty but also discover interest in the process. I am thinking of changing 'courage' to another word. Do you have any suggestion?

I'm going to your essay soon.
hi, Max, I can't find your essay. Please leave your links here.
demuredelight   
Jan 9, 2010
Undergraduate / My interest in Bio- short essay [7]

Hey Tulip,
To be honest, this essay is much more serious than your short essay on "Grils, girls, girls" since you have been interested in biology since ten. It made me laugh when the girl says shaving is a monthly pain for boys. But I think your interest in female physiology will be insufficient to construct your passion for biology. I was a biology student, too. I took molecular, ecological and physiological biology courses. Biology is the real pain of mine. Not kidding. Your short answer does not show that you are prepared for such a demanding major.
demuredelight   
Jan 10, 2010
Undergraduate / A businesswoman-to-be: GWU Supplement Essay: What attracted you to GWU? [3]

Hey Yeajin,
This is a great essay. It's free of language errors. I like it because you talk about both who you are and how GWU will extend your goals. More, you also recognize both academic and non-academic aspects of GWU. I think it's more than ready for submission.
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