Undergraduate / My SCARS and my MISTAKES; Common App [34]

it's just a topic of my choice.

Undergraduate / My SCARS and my MISTAKES; Common App [34]

Well this is just an introduction.. so maybe it won't be as abstract when I'm done? I don't know. ): AHHHH i dont know what to do..

Undergraduate / My SCARS and my MISTAKES; Common App [34]

revised it a bit.

Undergraduate / My SCARS and my MISTAKES; Common App [34]

I looked up how many words this is and its only 488 words.. is it too short??

Undergraduate / "RABBIT SISTER"--MY PERSONAL STATEMENT [10]

title is appropriate and you chose a good topic (:

Undergraduate / Intellecutal Interest: Mathematics (Cornell Essay) [5]

Well since your major isn't yet decided, I guess you can.. I'm not too sure. I would talk more about the programs that Cornell has that directly support your field of interest.

-edit:
reading it again, i feel like you talk only about mathematics of what it is or what you percieve it to be. I think you can make it stronger if you write generally more about the connection between math and you like if you ever went to a math camp/club that helped you develop it. But the first paragraph about your insights on math is pretty good.

Please read my essay!

Undergraduate / MIT Essay - Fun Activity [11]

fbs801
he did a nice job of condenscing it for you (: haha

Undergraduate / World you came from, personality - UC Prompt #1 & #2 [7]

I like your second one. Shows qualities about you.

Feel free to disagree but I feel like your first essay's topic is very.. common. But then again, I know that in a life of simplicity, it's hard to find a really unique topic to write about. The essay itself is good though. If you're going to keep the topic, I think you should write more about how they inspired you. It seems like the point of your essay is to build credentials that you're a good student rather than portraying the influence that your parents had on you. So far, I can only point out that they influenced you because (1) they have good jobs and accomplished lots and (2) they made you study hard. Be more personal.

Please read mine (:

Undergraduate / "My first time" - Common App Essay (significant experience) [7]

Capitalize your "i"s!!! You misspelled it everywhere!! I agree with cybertron. Make it more personal.

Undergraduate / Yale Supplement Essay - My Little Sculptors (tentative title) [6]

I have to disagree with the people who wrote comments for this...
I actually like the essay. I say keep the first paragraph and the spanish because it serves to give background information and to describe your ethnic background respectively. I like it.

Undergraduate / FSU CARE Program Essay; Frank Lloyd Wright once said... [7]

I think it's really good. I can't think of any bad comments to say..

One thing: They had saved up enough money to pay for my first four years in college, but then my father lost his job. Just when they saved enough money to pay for my first four years of college, my father lost his job.

I just don't like the phrase "but then"

Undergraduate / My SCARS and my MISTAKES; Common App [34]

Thanks. I'll just delete the third paragraph's first sentence. (:

Undergraduate / Rice U Essay - My Passion for Change [3]

The essay is really good. Shows what community service you've done, but maybe you should extend a little more on how it'll contribute to Rice. Afterall, the essay asks you to write about how you'll contribute to Rice than what you did.

Undergraduate / Common App - Influential Person (my dad) [3]

My dad has been called many things;: a crook, a scammer orand even a bum, but to me, he is something different. To me, he is an inspiration. Through all of his ups and downs, he has shown me howwho I should not be and how I should not act.

When he first came to the country, he made sure to put my

Before he brought my mom over, he had

re read and check your grammar.

Your words are very colloquial. Choose better diction to make your essay more vivid.

It's a good start (:

Undergraduate / Overcoming Domestic Violence - UC Transfer App [8]

It's really strong and good. No criticism. Verbs are forceful and so is the syntax. The style is really approraite. In my personal opinion, I think the trasition is good enough to allow the readers to understand. But that's just me.

I just realized both of our essays went form 3rd to 1st person. Great minds think alike!

Undergraduate / "Living within natural and cultural limits" - Stanford- Intellectual Vitality Essay [21]

Whoa. I love it. Four thumbs up with my toes. There's no critism for you, my friend. =D

PLEASE read mine:

Undergraduate / Helping my mom fight for her life - obstacle, bump - criticism you may have [4]

I'm pretty sure you have a really really short character limit, and considering that, this is pretty good. I would agree with SeeHerFly, but due to the character limit, I don't think you can really do much with it.. But it's pretty good, I think. Maybe you should talk more on what you learned than what you loathed to present positive qualities about you.

Undergraduate / My SCARS and my MISTAKES; Common App [34]

maybe i didn't make myself clear. i have medical problem that makes my skin NOT heal if that makes sense... and i'm not saying my mistakes were physical. i was just trying to make a correlation between mistakes in life and my medical problem. i guess i wasn't clear about it enough. and it's not like i cut myself.. scars dont necessarily mean they were intentional.

Undergraduate / My SCARS and my MISTAKES; Common App [34]

now i feel like i should rewrite it.. haha.. i dont want the adcoms to react the same way T.T
maybe i just wont write about this at all because it's somewhat risky..
i cant think of a way to make it so that people wont misunderstand D=
anyways, thanks Boxin and cyber. (:

Undergraduate / My SCARS and my MISTAKES; Common App [34]

Okay okay rewrote it. (: let me know how it is. and PLEASE let me know if it's still graphic. I guess I don't realize it as much because I'm used to it...

let me know if anything from the previous essay was better than the current one too. (:

Undergraduate / Diversity Essay (AIDS Patient) - U of Michigan App [4]

good , strong handshake good is a very vague and elementary word

I like it!! (: Yay!! You developed the topic really well. Thumbs up!

Please read mine:

Undergraduate / "difficult situations to test" - Vires, Artes, Mores, FSU addmission essay [11]

The only way my family and I could get through this; iswas if we did it together.


something about that sounds awkward... I don't know why. I think it's a run-on sentence.

I say conclude. It sounds as if you're already done with the summary of the situation, but if there's more to the story that the readers don't know about, continue. I dont think the "Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom" really applies in this situation... but use your creative juice. Maybe it can! (:

Undergraduate / Why I want to teach [4]


that's a bit repetitious.


Remember, not only-but also. So it should read I learned to see the good in not only myself but also in others.

Undergraduate / "Living within natural and cultural limits" - Stanford- Intellectual Vitality Essay [21]

I don't think the -- is a bad thing. I LOVE using dashes, so I know what effect you're trying to achieve with it. Although dashes are almost always never necessary, in my personal opinion, it adds voice to the paper. I say keep it. But this is coming from a dash-lover, so I don't know how others might think of the dashes.

Undergraduate / "I'm like a lot of things" - Is this good? UCF/Tufts [6]

Topic is unique. Details need to be added. I think your writing can be revised to make what you have so far better. You don't need to repeat "like hummingbirds" because it's clear that you're comparing yourself to the hummingbirds. Your character really shines through. (:

Please read mine (check my profile).

Undergraduate / UCF Undergrad Essay on obstacle--how is my essay? [30]

Hi Kelsey.
I have to agree with everyone else. Topic is rather plain and really cliche.. If you want to keep the topic, emphasize how the obstacle changed you and make it truly personal.

Please read mine (check my profile).

Undergraduate / Everything is diverse - Umich Diversity Essay [5]

not apart. it's a part.

apart means away from.
a part is involved in.

please read mine

Undergraduate / My Life according to Edward Elgar- Common App! [11]

The way you made it into a play-type is interested, but a rather long... Your writing style is good btw (:

Read mine!

Undergraduate / Evaluating the same essay? Common App Transfer Essay Inquiry. [6]

I was wondering the same thing. =)

Undergraduate / I have always been one to try something new, especially involving music [2]

write out the 25. I totally disagree with tkkt1.
Unless it's significant you always write out the number. unless its over 100.

Please read mine:

Undergraduate / "Soccer" - comments/suggestions on common app short answer [8]

You kind of need to start over...
Rewrite and try to really phrase your sentences.
Choose better diction. The idea is really good. Just start over and think the essay through.

Undergraduate / My SCARS and my MISTAKES; Common App [34]

yeah, the melancholy atmosphere was what I was trying to avoid.. but it's hard to eschew that if I really want to demonstrate my struggle.. I think my point was to have the ray shine through dark cloud because this really was a hard thing for me to withstand while growing up.

Is it overly dramtic? Can you pinpoint please? I personally don't see it and I certainly don't want to seem exaggerated... D: Let me know what you can find.

My first draft, people criticized it for being too grotesque and I was trying to find less gory words for it... ):

Let me know how I can directly address the problem. (:

Thanks everyone for your comments/suggestions!! <3

PS in a way, i kind of wanted it to be bittersweet. It truly was a bittersweet experience.

maybe i should title it bittersweet scars to explain it before hand..

Undergraduate / My SCARS and my MISTAKES; Common App [34]

YAY thanks for giving me advice. If you don't mind, can you quote the exact place? I'm not completely sure where you're referring to... Sorry! ><

Graduate / 'Patient interaction' - University of Chicago Medical school Secondary essay [5]

One mutual endeavor possessed by Pritzker and I, is the desire to serve the community.


it is best to not use 2nd person.

I think you should research more about the med school and write how something unique or specific about it will directly affect you. All this says is that you have experience in medicine but it doesn't really go in depth as to why this particular school is great fit for you (other than the location).

Please read mine

Undergraduate / My SCARS and my MISTAKES; Common App [34]

I've revised the last paragraph. let me know if you like it more/less. I used diiia's suggestions. As for EF_Sean, I'm writing this essay for a scholarship. But later, when I use this for college apps, I'll be sure to add your suggestions (:

A girl stands, scars running in colliding train tracks on her body, reminiscing pain at all angles. Scars of various sizes, diverse shapes, and special hues musing over stories embedded deep under the pores. I was born with Atopic Syndrome, an allergic hypersensitivity that affects part of body not directly in contact with the allergen, but the syndrome itself isn't the only problem; I'm enveloped by layers of skin too stubborn to fully heal itself, jeering at doctors who too question my anomalous skin condition. When I'm numb with dreams at night, the allergen incognito coaxes me into blemishing my skin until my skin has been peeled away by my own nails and hands. The frustrated mother will once again scold me for doing so at sunrise and I will once again blame the anonymous villain under my breath.

"You're going to loose your fiancé when your in-laws discover your scars," my mother would tease. In all seriousness, however, her joke is the blunt reality. Scars carry negative reputations and often fool strangers to envisage negative situations. But despite others' opinions, to me personally, every cut in my life has left me scarred but scarred for good. My skin's memory capacity surpasses that of my brain. My browned knee narrates the first failure I encountered only one year into the world as I attempted to stumble across the room on my unripe femur. My slightly dented nose at close inspection anecdotes the first dark-tag I played, in which I exploded my nose blood vessel upon crashing into a wooden podium even before I turned five. All memories that would have flew past my eyes if they hadn't offered a souvenir on my skin.

I've made many mistakes within the first eighteen years of my life. Mistakes of various sizes, diverse shapes, and special hues. Perhaps my ideal is different because of the burden of scars that I've dragged around on my chain all my life, but I've naturally grown accustom to the unyielding nature within me that has develop my concept of life that begs to differ the conventional idea that mistakes and regrets should be forgotten. Upon confronting a problematic scenario, a friend would say, "It's O.K. Just forget about it and move on," when nothing in life can possibly be moved on. While we blindly try so hard to obliterate the dark times of our lives, we fail to realize that both the ups and downs make us who we are individually. Erasing any of it is to erase a chance to recover from the mistake and avoid it the next time around. It doesn't matter if my mother chugs ointment down the ripped crease of my skin or if I quietly lullaby myself to sleep because the cut will join the myriad of scars and the problem, stacks of unwanted history. At the end of the day, it will remain right where it was initially, smiling at me. James Joyce once said "A man's errors are his portals of discovery." My scars have been my portals of discovery and my personalized healing mechanism. I appreciate every scar on my body and every fall in my journey of life as an inspiration to become someone better. They have never shackled me down but rather ascended me to never carve the same scar again and to never stumble on the same road again. To study history is to learn to never repeat the same mistakes again. Certainly, I get a paper cut once in a while and clumsily gash myself against the chair leg every now and then, but they are new openings to develop me into someone stronger, scarred for the better.

Undergraduate / "Vires, Artes, Mores" - FSU ESSAY- FASHION PASSION [7]

I don't like how you capitalize fashion is my art. There's no real purpose in doing that. And personally, I'm a fan of your introduction...

And the prompt is questioning for a more meaning theme. Pick a different topic, something that is reflected in your life.

Undergraduate / 'Passing storm' - MY FSU APPLICATION ESSAY [9]

I don't like your intro. Why do you say you needed help knowing it? It just makes you sound.. weaker and less educated. What's a brace adviser btw?


you went from working at Finish Line to aftermath of Wilma.. I don't get the connection.
Don't point out. Don't do (physical) or whatever. The readers should be able to know if it's Vires, Artes, or Mores through your writing if you wrote well.

Undergraduate / Anime (My essay to u-m) [15]

You have one sentence paragraphs... Why?