Undergraduate / 'So many students wanting to go to college' - QUESTBRIDGE- ESSAY #1 [2]

I live in Bakersfield, California, the hottest city I have ever lived in, and attend school in a dwelling that contains students who care nothing about their future except making "big money" when they grow up, but without actually thinking about how hard they'll be willing to work to get that "big money".

Once I got there I was like, "Wow! I didn't even know there was this muchwere this many students that actually wanted to go to college."

As I walked around passing by each table and squeezing throughbetween people, trying to catch up to my sister, I heard a lot of people ask, "Where are those flag thingies?!"

I, and few others barely gathered any information, if any, because of all the other students who were just there to ask for a pennant.

... Bakersfield, my parents never dared to go to college, my mom dropped out of high school and my dad barely...

Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / 'when someone gets hurt...' - Questbridge application essay [2]

When I was eleven years old, my youngest brother fell from his bike and hurt his head pretty badly.

This, and other events have led to my growing interest in the brain, and how it works.

Like most people, when someone gets hurt, it becomes a moment that gets hurt, it becomes a moment that you remember for long time.

From when I scraped my knee in Nigeria, running around the unpaved roads by my grandparents house., to when I hit my head while playing tag half a decade later. ---This is an incomplete sentence.

Over a year ago my sister accidentally cut her toes with garden shears, and went to the hospital to get it fixed.

Becoming a doctor will not only provide me with a stable income , but will also give me the knowledge I need to help my family, the people in the United States, in Nigeria, and anywhere the wind takes me.

:)

Graduate / "One must strive to be a shepherd" - CASPA Personal Statement [2]

It was his way of encouraging me to become a leader amongst followers.

TheMy desire to work in the medical field became magnified from then on.

My determination to succeed continued when I joined New City Volunteer Ambulance Corps in August of 2011, hoping to get glimpse into the unfamiliar world of patient care.

...to be someone who could provide extended care for a patient after the initial EMS assessment, as a physician's assistant would.

Through volunteering in the emergency medical services, I realized that the qualities I was searching for are in my profession of choice.

:)

Undergraduate / 'personal and professional fulfillment' - Common App reasons for transfer [2]

Fast Forward to today, and I find myself nowhere near the origin of my journey.

I am out of school and working full time, and although I slightly digressed from what I thought was my original plan, I have learned life lessons ...

Fast forward to today, and I find myself with a new perspective and a much clearer vision of what I want my future, both academic and personal, to look like. and

I feel equipped to take make strides toward turning my vision into reality.

Since then, I have developed an affinity with sociology, and I want to convert it into my life's work with the resources and programs offered at XXXX UNIVERSITY. I am now ready to become an active contributor to an academic...

Looking back at my summer in 2008 and the events that have led up to where I am now, I realized that I was not prepared to...

This is coming along fine! Good luck.

:)

Graduate / 'Oil & Gas industry' - MSc in Petroleum Engineering [2]

<University name> has internationally top ranked faculty members and great facilities for conducting a research in the growing and rapidly changing field of Petroleum Engineering.

The oil & gas industry has changed our lives through the recent few decades, and I want to play a major role in this change.

Being a Saudi from the Eastern Region of Saudi Arabia, where the most important oil wells in the world are , has influenced my decision to become a Petroleum Engineer.

...I have studied business minor that consists of 6 business classes, to understand the major concepts of ...

So, I nominated myself for Web Chair of the SPE KU Chapter and was elected by the students to take the position with 100% win.---This is great!

All I wanted was to be one of the top 5 students that professors have direct contact with and I made it.

In addition to that, I was chosen to work as the grader of Reservoir Engineering class by Professor <name>, who was my adviser , in my undergraduate studies at the University of Kansas. I had direct contact with him and I was the student that he trusted the most.

Your essay ended rather abruptly. You should add a closing sentence or two, like '..so this is why I think I would fit in well at...'.

:)

Undergraduate / UIL Urbana-Champaign Undergraduate Essay #1 [2]

I learned how to use a saw, hammer and drill at a young age, and continue building wood projects up to present day, including a half-pipe I built from scratch in my backyard during Sophomore year.---Sweeet!

It was also my surroundings and how I interacted with them, that shaped me into who I am today.

Through this process, along with learning about some rudimentary structural engineering, I learned the idea of trial and error and ...

Today, I've found myself becoming very fond of Engineering and Computer Science, mainly via the FIRST Tech Challenge and through programming my...

:)

Undergraduate / Diligence. I was given a lot of opportunities that have influenced who I am [2]

I have accomplished a lot in high school academically by maintaining a high GPA throughout, high school, attending a community college during my junior year, and achieving Presidents Honor Roll at the college during the first two quarters.

-----------------------------------------

I was given opportunities to help my community, and the financial stability to get me through my childhood, ---no comma here--- and receive a very good education.

... I believe this because I have experienced the consequences of living life the wrong way.---This seems to contradict all that you have written so far.

:)

Scholarship / My significant event: learning English experience [2]

First, always capitalize English...or any other language.

The soft squeak of nurse's shoes filled the lobby as pink uniformed nurses dallied about amongst the fumes of disinfectant.

I really didn't want to be here.

I had made myself that way.

Paper cuts --two words -- would never compare to the emotional gashes made by xenophobic children who teased me for the accented rolling of my Spanish tongue.

Mother sought to erase my solidarity , however, and eagerly snatched me out of my sanctuary, offering my services at a home for seniors.

A nurse eventually took mercypity on me and guided me through the barren halls towards the room of my first companion.

Avocado-colored eyes pierced my own. I nervously walked towards her, unsure of how to interact with this woman--a woman who has known English all her life. A woman who has never doubted a single phrase, a single pronunciation. Her magnetizing gaze gripped my body and locked me into place. I felt her rough, wrinkled hands gently cover mine. ---This is some excellent writing, you definitely have a better vocabulary than some people who were born in the US. I like the way you write, so descriptive and personal.

　
:)

Undergraduate / 'What I do is more than just a job' QB Achievement essay. [2]

Even at this young age they can understand, this could kill me.

From the kid who went from screaming in anxiety for his mom, to watching him successfully glide through the water, I find accomplishment.

Sharing that moment, however brief, always boosts my enthusiasm, and continues to provide the motivation for me to push myself to become a better coach.

Throughout the entire process of teaching and learning, I believe that I am learning more than the student is .

The dynamics of communicating with the nervous child in the water and then the ever watchful parent challenges my interpersonal interaction skills.

For me, going from being the girl who was too shy to even ask to borrow a pencil, to being able to conduct a lesson and then give genuine constructive feedback to an adult, is a huge step.

Every day ---2 words!--- is an achievement for me, as every day I see the fruits of my efforts in the accomplishment of the kids I teach.

:)

Graduate / 'Our inspiration often comes from others' - Physician's Assistant's essay [2]

The blatant optimism that this young girl conveyed in spite of the fact that she was fighting one of the hardest battles of her life, at such a young age, was simply inspiring.

This was the exact moment that I knew I wanted to make a difference in others lives, just like this young girl had made in mine.

From that day forward, I took my new found motivation and set along a path that has led me to a crucial point in my life.

My drive to become a fundamental figure in medicine originally began with intentions of becoming a medical doctor.

It wasn't always easy, but my passion for medicine kept me going.

Great ending! Good luck with school.

:)

Undergraduate / Favorable and unfavorable sides of being an employee or a business person [2]

Bearing this in one's mind, turned an individual, in particular, a newly graduate to pay attention about making the decision of which path in the career world to enter.

The employee is an individual who works for someone whomis usually called the boss of a company.

One could be either a regular or part-time employee, as long as he was working under the management of a person with higher position and the one who started and profited from the business.

In connection with these professions, people who are looking for a career must choose to be one of these.

There are many advantages to being an employee.

There's no one who could fire him. Moreover, risk-takers are individuals who can enjoy the challenge of plan-making, development and realization of one's business.

One may also feel he or she is uncompensated for the work he has done.

In conclusion, it still depends on the personality, capacity and experiences of an individual as to how he can achieve the success in the field he chose as his career.

Although, a risk-taker person may enjoy being an entrepreneur, there ...

:)

Scholarship / 'Art is not just about self-expression' - Questbridge Bio Essay [2]

You know Art is your passion, your niche, your abstract mind coming into play, so you take the honorable offer.

You continue to sketch innocence, smiles, and your favorite chair as a child, the rocking chair your parents got inat a garage sale and repainted to fit your preferences.

Your sketching pencil took over you ever since you first laid your fingers on the canvas.

Art is not just about self-expression, but beauty, laughter, and life.---Great sentence!

...the beauty you see in your piece when opinions are trafficking. ---I don't understand this.

I really like your ending!
Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / "Why Mount Holyoke?" Supplement Short Answer (Feedback) [5]

Amna,

I enjoyed reading this, it's an interesting topic and definitely an interesting story. Nothing jumps out at me as far as spelling or grammar, all i can see is in the 2nd paragraph I think "though" was meant to be "taught".

As for your other questions, you don't need to worry about it being cheesy or the joke being lame, as is it's fine. what it really comes down to for me is weather it fits WHY you're writing this. You mention admissions officers, is this being done as part of an application? If so just ask yourself what they are looking for in their students and see if this fits or if it needs to be more professional than casual. As i said I really like it as is, just take a second look and see if it needs to be restructured around what you're trying to achieve with this.

Hope this helps!!!

Essays / What are good methods for reducing footnotes? [2]

Hi there!

Without looking at anything of yours specifically, I would say you should do some research on the subject, can be as simple as a Google search, and just make sure you are doing things properly. As you have stated it, it does sound like it may be a bit excessive, but without seeing a specific example it's hard to say for sure. Don't be shy about posting the essay in question that you're working on so we can see what the issue is if any. If there is a problem, we may be able to help you with re-editing if need be. No matter how well written it may already be, there's nothing like having a fresh pair of eyes checking things out : )

Look forward to reading it! good luck!!

Writing Feedback / Creative artists should be given liberty to express themselves; like on Facebook [3]

hello,

This is a very interesting topic and a conversation that has been ongoing for quite some time. That being said, I would start with seeing if there is certain length/word count you are trying to keep to. Depending on what that is, see if you can expand on what you started with here. It seems like you are a bit conflicted as to which side of the argument you are on. weather you are trying to be one one side of the argument or stay neutral, you should try to give some examples to support your ideas. You have some interesting points, but as is they still seem a bit vague.

Keeping in line with which side of the argument you are on if any, you need a conclusion. you seem to cut yourself off suddenly while in the middle of making a point on the subject. I would say try to really narrow down the point you are trying to get across with this essay and close on that.

Hope this helps!!

Writing Feedback / Cell Phones Impact on Society - they have made communication easier [3]

Amanda,

I like the topic a lot, seems people don't want to see the negative side of it nowadays. If you wanted to expand on it a bit you could go into the sub cultures that seem to be forming around these brands and devices. Plenty of recent examples around to use as well, both positive and negative.

As for your closing, it's not bad. Maybe you could expand it into your thoughts on the matter? Or you could go into what you think the future may bring as weather you see it as a positive or negative thing? Seems to be it needs to be a bit more specific to the point you're trying to get across. Try to really nail down what you want the reader to take away from this and try to close on that point and bring the conversation to a close.

Hope that helps, good luck!!

Research Papers / 'Cloud computing' - research topics suggestions? [8]

Nadia,

You need to give us more to work with than this. Your question could be answered with a simple Google search, which you should go do on your own. Get a few topic sentences down based on what seems interesting to you in your search and maybe throw together a first draft or at least a paragraph or two for whatever specific topics you can narrow it down to. THEN, you can post what you have and people can help you with editing or EXPANDING on your ideas. Also, when you have some content to post be sure to include why your writing your research paper, is it for an assignment? an application? giving us more criteria for whats being expected of you will help people here offer more help to you. With the little you said this could expand into an interesting conversation based oin the topic, we just need to see a bit more effort on your part before we can help, thank you.

Hope this helps, look forward to seeing what you come up with!

Undergraduate / Fashion Institiute of Technology Entrance Essay [3]

Hi Kellyann,

Gave your post a quick title change just to keep it more on topic.

Right off the bat let me say it doesn't sound cliche at all. reading this makes me feel that you are really inspired to do what you love, especially the part where you mentioned drawing your image of the showroom. Making things really personal like this shows them where your inspiration comes from and shows them that this is more than a job for you, it's a dream and a way of life. Personal stories are what will make this stand out in the mind of whoever reads it. Your essay has identity now, shows there's a real person behind whats being read instaed of having to read a generic list of bullet points as to whay someone should be given what they are asking for.

good luck Kellyann!

Graduate / 'Child Labour in TV Shows inhibits a child's all round development' [2]

Monajha,

This is an interesting topic you have here, and get your point across well, but I have an idea to make a bit more of an attention grabber.

I would open with your 2nd paragraph, starting with "what is child labor?". this makes for a more on topic opening sentence and sets the tone for what you want to discuss. Then, take some of the ideas in your first paragraph and bring them back in to discuss the effects of this lifestyle on children, serving as examples to defend your argument as to why these laws need to be passed. this will make for a much stronger argument and open the door for you to maybe expand an the specifics of what kind of laws you would like to see passed. This would also help to establish a bit more of a substantial closing for your essay.

Good job so far, keep at it!

Writing Feedback / Having two phases - Information gathering & Analyzing; Approach of problem solving [3]

People use different solution methods when faced with a certain kind of problem.

My approach to solving a problem is a process having two phases.

First of all, it is important to have a complete knowledge about the problem and possible solutions .

This is a significant phase, because this way I can make sure that none of the solutions are left out.

At the second phase, knowing the probable solutions, I will write all the solutions down in a list.

After all, if I felt the need for advice from others for implementing my solution, I would ask for an aid from either one of my friends or my parents.

First, I can make sure that none of the possible solutions are neglected, and second, I have chosen the solution in a logical and scientific process.

:)

Undergraduate / "One step closer to success" - why UCF? [2]

When I visited UCF I knew it was exactly where I wanted to be after I graduate high school.---I ended the sentence here, as it was too long.

The beautiful campus caught my eye, and as I have always loved watching my friends football games, I want to be able to support the K nights by attending to every home game.

UCF will give me the opportunity to earn my bachelor's degree of design in architecture, after earning my associates at Valencia C ommunity C ollege, and I will be the first woman in my family to attend college.

Additionally, I hope to one day have my own company of design in architecture and impress people with my works of art.

No matter how hard it might get I promise I will never give up because it is my dream and I will be the first woman to attend college in my family ---You already said this.--- I know UCF will always be my companion and I will be proud to announce UCF was the reason I was able to reach my goal.

Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / 'I have always stayed connected with my Indian culture' - UC Personal Essay [2]

This is not true in my case.

I was raised in the United States; I have always stayed connected with my Indian culture as well as adding parts of American culture into my life.

My Indian culture taught me why diyas (little clay pots) were lit all around the neighborhood, and that it was a festival where family got together.

As my family gathered together, I noticed one of the families did not have any diyas lit in their house.

My American culture that taught me how to be generous and kind to those who did not have the same pleasures as I have, made me to take one of the diyas from the front of our house, and walk over to give the other family.

I gave it to the little kid watching other houses being decorated and all of a sudden his face lit up with joy. This face showed me how Diwali was not just about getting rid of the negativity around us, but also spreading our love, joys, and happiness to others.

Ever since that smile the kid gave to me, each year I go...

Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / CommonApp Essay - Whiteboards and Teddy Bears - Teacher experiences [2]

I entertained myself for years with this childish pastime, but soon enough, people were asking me what I wanted to be when I "grew up."

It seemed easy enough to just spit out the word "teacher" like a piece of dry gum, but alas, it was not nearly that easy, and being a teacher didn't seem nearly that disgusting.---This sentence seems unnecessary, and out of place.

I would constantly argue---(?) -- and patch up my little brother's wounds ...

I have since matured, and have come to a deeper realization thanks to a summer internship I held at a school for children with budding Autism, called The Crystal Academy.

Through my experiences with working for organizations that aim to educate children, I have...

Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Writing Feedback / Concert Report for Les Miserables at Ellen Eccles Theater [3]

I went to see Les Miserables, the high school edition, at the Ellen Eccles Theater on September 15, 2012.

It was the last night of the performance, and I think the students did a phenomenal job.

The overall performance had good text painting.---What does this mean?

When the person actingactor was supposed to be sad, the music was sad and when the group was supposed to be happy and energetic, the music was happy and energetic.

Mostly, everything was homophonic . ---I'm not sure this is a word.

I thoroughly enjoyed the performance because there was such a good use of dynamics in the music, which made me feel the emotions that they were trying to convey.

I was sad when the music was sad, and I was happy when the music was happy.

In the finale, the chorus sang "One Day More.".

I thought it was really well done, other than the fact that I thought it draggedit seemed to drag on a little bit towards the end.

:)

Undergraduate / Univ. of Virginia Admissions: Favorite Place to get lost - Shores of San Diego [2]

The thick cloud of flakes continues to fall, covering the few treetops jutting from the earth as if trying to get a final glimpse before commencing another wintertime burial. ---You are an amazing writer!

... I carve an irrational and playful line, threading through trees, bounding from boulders, floating upon the fluffy white.---Again, I was struck by your descriptive and poignant words, sure I'd likely find nothing as beautiful to read as I edit essays all day.

Escaping to the back-country , with no designated trails, no right or wrong, and no predispositions, I can enjoy being lost.

But there in that elevated realm, that untouched playground, where bliss is abundant, there, I will always be happily lost.

Hopefully you're taking some creative writing classes, as the feedback you get will show you what a gift you have. Please nourish it.

:)

Undergraduate / 'Colombia and struggling father' - environment influenced who you are? [2]

My family's history has had a tremendous influence on the person who I am today.---I changed this a little.

My families history has had a large impact on the person who I am, because both of my parents gave up everything they had in Colombia to move to the U.S.---I ended the sentence there, as it was way too long.

They left Colombia to insure better opportunities for my younger brother and I.

My father had a struggling childhood, he didn't all the luxuries a normal child had.

He wasn't able to go college and become a dentist like he dreamed of doing.

The way my father talks about his childhood has influenced me to become confident and motivated to be someone in the world.

:)

Speeches / Dream Speech- What do you think? [3]

I have a dream....that one day this nation will grow up to realize what kind of a world we have created.

We have taken this beautiful world for granted too many times ---I think this should say, 'for too long'. --- and I say it's time that somebody stood up for what they believe in and say enough is enough!

I have a dream... that one day we will all learn to get along with each other. I hope that everyone out there suddenly realizes that no matter how intelligent or unintelligent, beautiful or ugly, slim or overweight we must all be treated the same.---you might also mention color, nationality, religious beliefs, etc.

Cause even if I take all the steps: go to college, start my climb of the corporate ladder , and maybe even become the P resident of the USA, I still can't change the world.

:)

Undergraduate / common app: elaborate on one of your activities (a summer job) [4]

You should write your essay or assignment and then send it here so we can have a look at what you have done so far. Then we'll be able to edit for you and offer advice on how to make your writing better and stronger. Good luck!

:)

Graduate / 'Impact & Collaborative Leadership' - Short-term, Long-term, Why this MBA prog? [3]

I envision myself as a change-taker in the continuously evolving...

Currently, I am an external consultant, designing strategies to optimize operations and sales efforts of pharmaceutical companies.

Eventually, I would move into a role that would allow me to design and implement business plans encompassing organic/inorganic expansion, financial sustainability and societal harmony.

While managing multiple projects, mentoring associates, engaging...

Being consistently awarded highest appraisal ratings and getting promoted much earlier than usual, I have striven to leave my mark.

My interactions with the Assistant Director (Admissions), ZZZ and a few PhD students who were present on campus that day had been extremely pleasing, and have strengthened my determination to become a part of AAA.

:)

Writing Feedback / It all began when I moved away from my life in Siberia; Life Story/ GCSE ESSAY [2]

Everyone seemed to be trying to find a fault in me.

Going to school felt like walking to my death.

I stayed out on school nights until one or two planning to miss the next day of school because I thought I had much better things to do rather than going to another hell hole.

I missed school days, causing a tremendous downfall in my grades.

My room started to become filthy as a pigsty, nothing really mattered at this point because I wasn't bothered about the meaning of life.

The once respected Rachael was now nothing more than a piece of dust.

I''m always in an ocean of problems and I'm starting to think that my life life is indeed an ocean of endless problems and disappointments.

This is very sad, and I hope it's a work of fiction!

Undergraduate / USC Supplement Essay - Statement of Intent for Annenberg School for Comm & Journalism [2]

I really like your opening paragraph!

As aforementioned, I am drawn to the media and entertainment industry primarily because of the glossy exterior of which it dons, to...

Then again, is it truly so wrong to be so enticed by such superficial - shallow, even - elements?

That said, I am also keen on photography - the ability of the camera to preserve and immortalize treasured moments has fascinated me since childhood.

You are an excellent writer! By your essay, the reader can see that you're intelligent, well spoken, creative and passionate. Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / college essay; describe my experience - one word: epiphany [2]

Since I have always been interested in ways to help people, I decided to intern at the New England Baptist Hospital in Boston.

Actually, the purpose of this activity was twofold, both to use my time assisting disabled patients, and also gain some valuable experience working in a medical environment.

The patients admitted to the nurse's floor were patients in severe pain, who had just undergone orthopedic surgery.

They gave me a list of the names of the patients and their room numbers .

At the end of the my internship, I was asked to describe my experience.

I described it in one word, ' epiphany' .

It has taught that materialistic objects will never be my ambition, but motivation for me will be knowing that I made a difference in someone else's life.

:)

Undergraduate / 'strength, tradition, and the arts' - this is my essay for fsu care program [2]

For as far back as I can remember, my mother had to struggle to overcome challenges such so ...

My mother had always been a fighter and hard worker, and at times she had no money or anyone to babysit me so that she could go to school or go to work.

My father was never around long enough to help her, but she continued her journey by working hard, staying focused, and being self motivated.

Now it's my turn to put my best foot forward by accepting all opportunities that are given to me.

The summer bridge program will assist me in making major decisions and factoring out influences that could impact my future.

I believe that attending this program will benefit me in expanding my potential, both as a student and in society.

This has proven my ability to work hard, study, and stay focused while under educational pressure.

The summer bridge program will become a great asset in my life, because it would allow me to gain the experience of college while becoming focused and preparing for my freshman year.

Good luck with school!

:)

Undergraduate / Why I deem Reed a strong match for me? [2]

From what I have learned from a current Reed student, Reed provides its students with a great learning environment , ensuring that every student exceeds in their chosen field of study.

I also greatly appreciate the fact that Reed, with its academic strengths and research opportunities, not only enriches its students' learning experience, but also gears them towards contributing to the research and solving of global concerns.

With its tradition of being a liberal arts college, Reed will offer me a well-rounded education and enable me to expand my thought process. F urthermore Reed's commitment to diversity on campus will help me to appreciate and better understand other people's way of life.---Don't forget to always leave a space between sentences.

These reasons prove to me that Emory ---You wrote 'Reed' all the other times, so should stick to it. ---is indeed a great choice for me.

:)

Graduate / 'I have relocated to India from USA' - Essay for ISB [2]

My motivation to pursue further education by pursuing PGMAX programme has been influenced by a number of reasons and compelling factors,likesuch as professional development and networking.

In early 2010, I have relocated to India from USA to setup an IDC office in Chandigarh, and I did achieved my goal successfully.

Currently, I am heading the Operation and Finance department at Edifecs IDC.

Nevertheless, I feel that my current position does not satisfy my ambitions and inspiration to reach at "C: level executive.

I believe this is the perfect time for me to start PGMAX program with ISB.

It's clear that the PGPMAX course will give me a unique experience to study in, specially designed for the business education environment.

Good luck!!

:)

Undergraduate / US Naval Academy congressional nomination interest essay [2]

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.",That is the ultimate service of sacrifice.

My father, an army veteran, was the genesis of my interest towardsin the Naval Academy.

He never cared if I learned the strategies employed by Sun Tzu or the different wars and conflicts throughout history, rather, he only wanted me...

...by my pursuit of honor, shows my potential to become one of those exclusive members of our nation.

Acceptance into the United States Naval Academy would not only allow me to grow as a servant of man, but would also guide me forward in my unselfish service and devotion to the welfare of others.

Good luck!!

:)

Essays / Prejudice in 'The Merchant of Venice'? [4]

Well never having read it, I don't know. Your job is to read it and write the essay, and our job is to help you tighten up the essay and make it as great as we can! If the topic of your essay is prejudice, you could begin by writing something like 'In the Merchant of Venice, there are quite a few examples of prejudice, which take many forms. For instance, when the main character..."

Read it first, then see what you can come up with. Then send it back here for help. You don't even have to finish it first, just begin and we'll have a look.

:)

Writing Feedback / 'Dieting - a billion dollar market' - ielts [5]

vignesh,

I like your essay, can see some spots where it might benefit from some editing or re-structuring but nothing major.

First, you may want to change up your first few sentences. They all start with the word "Dieting" which can make it seem like you're just listing bullet points instead of writing a paragraph.

I has been said that dieting can be...just an example for a opening sentence revision.

Also, give it a read through and double check your grammar, noticing a few small things here and there...

take a lions share of price should be of the price

Due to the fact that number of dieting...omit fact that

Opting for a wrong diet program....use "the" instead of "a"

just a few examples, a few small changes and it should be fine

best of luck!!

Book Reports / Literary Analysis Essay on Mama in "Everyday Use" [2]

hello,

To start, you should Google "literary analysis" to get information on what you really need to accomplish here. Yes, this is mostly a summary, but you still have something to start with here. One of the points you may find in your search is to re-read the passage with a particular question or questions in mind.

You asked a question with "why does mama change" etc. and gave an answer to the question but you could expand on it further, citing specific examples from the story that support your answer. Otherwise it seems like you're just summarizing the ending of the story.

Also, you need to watch your grammar and punctuation. Since this was just a few sentences I'll give it a quick edit.

In "Everyday Use," Maggie is surprised at how her mom changed toward her sister Dee. Why does mama change at the end of the story and gives the quilts to Maggie? Mama realized that Dee doesn't appreciate her heritage, she just wants everything nice and fancy. Dee requested the dasher, churn top, and the quilts from her mom so that she can display them and show other people her roots. Mama also realized that Maggie is the one who truly understands and appreciates her heritage. Mama would rather have Maggie using the quilts in everyday life, instead of them being hung up for display.

More could be changed, but I wanted you to at least see what i mean.

Hope this helps!!

Undergraduate / 'Mid-Ohio Food Bank' - Common App- Evaluate a significant experience- Volunteering [2]

Hello Heather,

I like your essay but there may some spots where things can be improved. In particular I want to look at your opening statement. I feel your sentence structure may need to be re-worked a bit to make it more engaging and make your sentences drag on a bit less.

I have spent many early Saturday mornings slicing open boxes, stocking shelves etc.

then with your next sentence....These are things most people would shy away from but for me....

A strong opening is important, as well as making sure you don't over complicate what you are trying to say. For example, changing "I was experiencing" to "I experienced". Small changes, but they can make a big difference.

Also, try to keep everything to the same tense.

My opportunity to be a regular volunteer at the Mid-Ohio Food Bank has allowed....this can be cut down to Regularly volunteering at the Mid-Ohio food Bank allowed....Just another example.

Hope this helps, overall it's still good, just needs a slight edit and you'll be good to go

Good luck!!