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Posts by Katsch
Joined: Nov 23, 2009
Last Post: Dec 31, 2009
Threads: 4
Posts: 63  


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Katsch   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / "A scar in my heart" my CommonApp essay. Pease, help me with my grammar. [3]

I was really rather confused at first, I thought you had actually been shot.
What you want to say is that "it felt as if I had been shot in the heart", not "thought I knew a gun had just shot me."

Did you immigrate alone? I don't understand why you didn't see your family and friends around you.
Katsch   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Short, funny Yale responses [4]

I think you should write something different for your first response. It shows you sacrificed your social life because you didn't manage your time well enough in your application process.

Humanity and courage.

Yeah, I'd probably write a few words about why.

sleep is my most prosecuted activity.

I don't think prosecuted is the word you're going for. Also, like the first one, this basically says you wish you had better time management skills so you could sleep more? You can't really be better at sleeping.

A combination of specialized knowledge and a broad liberal arts background best suits my intended major

Yale will give me the opportunity to gain an excellent education

And maybe you could replace this sentence with something more Yale-specific?

Good luck! (:
Katsch   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / All NYU Personal Statement Prompts - "Movie, NYer, Poem, Summer and Major" [5]

I really like your writing! (Could be that I just have a favorable bias to your awesome username though) Nice job staying on target with those word limits, by the way.

But I have to agree with Emily's edits of the summer answer, there was a bit of mental whiplash in the lack of transitions.
Katsch   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Yale Supplement - the Pitbull's grin [22]

Try to cut some unnecessary description out; it's always best to stick to the word limit, as that's part of the challenge of essay-writing.
Katsch   
Dec 31, 2009
Essays / Question on "additional infomation" on essay application [12]

I wouldn't really write too much in there unless it's to explain something significant, like you got cancer junior year and had to miss months of school.

If you're thinking about adding another piece of writing, some type of essay, I would advise against it. Adcoms do get tired of reading.

However, another option is to attach a resume or activity list to expand on your extracurriculars, I know quite a few people at my school are doing that.
Katsch   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Yale Supplement - the Pitbull's grin [22]

That would probably work! You're a fantastic writer, so you'll definitely do well whatever you choose to do.
Katsch   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Yale Supplement - the Pitbull's grin [22]

Indeed, I kept coming up with this weird picture of a Joker dog.
Maybe just another sentence or so on the optimism? Perhaps a little follow up on your current life with Buddy, if you ended up keeping him after the road trip that is.
Katsch   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Yale Supplement - the Pitbull's grin [22]

I love the story! But although narrative is definitely important, I think most colleges are just as interested in seeing you evaluate how your experiences have affected you. Definitely don't blow that off in your ending.

I'm not sure how close you are to your word limit, but if you find yourself running out of space, I think you could afford to lose some description of your trip in the second paragraph. It's not totally essential to the story.

And maybe one suggestion for word choice: replace some of the grinning with smiling like you did in the ending? I know you're trying to emphasize the grin, but the constant grinning freaks me out a little. Otherwise, great job! (:
Katsch   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / 1.Why physics? 2. name 3 qualities you possess --Bucknell Supplements - - [6]

Mathematics is an invention of mankind and I do not find any truth in mathematics.

I was just skimming through, but I noticed you probably shouldn't include this line. Physics involves quite a bit of math, first of all, and what you say about math in this line makes you look rather short-sighted. Besides, what if the person who reads your essay was a math major?
Katsch   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / My passion for learning and science - Cornell Engineering [15]

Actually, I edited my essay so I didn't spend as much time talking about studying the hand, so I think it will actually be alright.

I'm really sorry for making you worry! You should definitely keep your original version. And I agree, it's kind of funny how we enjoy the same sorts of things. (:
Katsch   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / My passion for learning and science - Cornell Engineering [15]

Oh, don't be silly! I only wish I could write as elegantly as you do, you really have a way with words.

I think maybe you should keep your original version and just change a bit of the wording that we had in common? I don't want to force you to pick your alternate piece, and we approach it our subjects differently enough that your original should be more than okay.

It's totally up you to which you want to use, but I went through and tried to make a few edits and sentence combinations in the first two paragraphs of your other option. It's the least I could do.

Maybe a more gripping first sentence?
Katsch   
Dec 28, 2009
Speeches / What don't you know - a speech to God [25]

I'm trying to also show my doubts in God himself.

I guess it could just be me then, but I'd prefer seeing you focus more on the secular aspects of your essay rather than the religious aspects. I thought the way you chose to talk to God was just a vehicle for introducing Jonathan and his situation, but I didn't automatically associate it with your religious insecurities, I guess you could say? I'm not a religious person myself. If you'd like to keep it this way, that should be fine, good luck with your application.
Katsch   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / My passion for learning and science - Cornell Engineering [15]

Yeah, I'm kind of kicking myself. ): I did change mine a bit so I think our intros should be fine, but I'll see if I can perhaps edit some more.

I guess it's a case of great minds think eerily alike!

Ack, I knew I shouldn't have recycled my engineering essays so many times.
Katsch   
Dec 28, 2009
Speeches / What don't you know - a speech to God [25]

It's cute, but I don't feel like you actually explain much in this essay. Your first paragraph is alright, but a little long considering it's basically unnecessary to the prompt.

Your second paragraph is again, a nice conversation, but it really gets off on a tangent with the vines.
However, only in your third paragraph do you really focus on what you don't know. I think you should cut down the other two paragraphs and expand on that.
Katsch   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / My passion for learning and science - Cornell Engineering [15]

Haha, you're not secretly me, are you? I really hate to mention this, but we do have a bit of similarity with our essays...

https://essayforum.com/undergraduate-admission-essays-2/cornell-eng ineering-disjointed-essay-joints-12410/

Like with the focus on studying the hand, the "as a student of art/science," going beyond sketching into biomedical engineering.

I don't want to imply anything, but I am just a little worried that the adcom will think something is odd, since I'm applying to JHU's biomedical engineering program also with an edited version of my cornell essay.

I adore your writing though - this essay is beautiful like your others - and I understand if you don't see what I'm talking about the same way. (: Anyway, best of luck with your application!
Katsch   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Activity and Essay Prompt: Key Club/ Autobiography of Jun/Sr yr of HS [6]

When I joined Key Club International my sophomore year, I wasn't sure what I was getting into; I was simply told that it looks good when applying to college. I soon realized that it would be one of the things that would define my life in high school and my life after high school as well

This part seems rather vague. I would replace it with describing in more detail what sorts of projects you actually do and how they've influenced you.

Are you recycling a UPenn essay, or did you just like the prompt?
I don't feel like writing about the application process will help you too much. Because it's page 217 out of 300, I'm pretty sure you're supposed to write more about what you think the future will have in store for you, what you will be like a few years from now.
Katsch   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Princeton Supplement---my teacher [2]

Is Sudheer your teacher's last name? You might want to say Mr. Sudheer, or whatever his last name was.

It was then that we realized that he had tweaked it a bit. This changed the problem in a major way and we could not solve it because an extra factor had come in which we did not know how to account for.

You're a bit vague in this part. Just say what he changed, what the extra factor was, don't try to write around it.

So, he proceeded to give us the solution. Rather, he asked us about twenty or so questions about the problem most of which we weren't able to answer.

I think you mean to say that he didn't give you the solution.

and did not face 'blackouts' while solving problems.

what does this mean?

solving problems became much easier once we no longer just 'mix-n-matched ' but understood the actual physics behind the questions.

It's a nice essay, but it is a little bit generic. Maybe bring in some more description of your "crazy" teacher and talk about how your view of him changed at the end of the essay?
Katsch   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / "dance my worries away" - stanford supplement: letter to roommate [8]

Actually, I'm pretty sure a lot of people write this prompt as a letter. So it's not a completely original idea, but it won't hurt you.

as it flies around my head, only loosely attached.

Loosely tied? Loosely attached makes it sound like your hair will start falling out any second.

Dancing is also worked into almost every action of mine throughout the day

If I am in a less crowded area fist pumps and shoulder shrugs are sometimes added

I also work dancing into almost every action I do throughout the day. Try to avoid passive tense.

And I agree about the part about predators, sounds a little creepy/dramatic.

Otherwise, your voice definitely shows through, this is a very honest piece of writing. Good work!
Katsch   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Activity Essay for Common Application (paintings) [8]

It's a nice start, but right now it feels much too brief. I found myself wanting to hear more about art has affected you, perhaps explain more in detail why art brightens up your day? What about painting makes you happy, besides making things look shiny?

You definitely have room to write more. After all, you've got about half of your word limit unused.
Katsch   
Dec 21, 2009
Essays / Question for UNC essay (word count) [26]

It won't kill your chances, but I believe they will sort of look at it unfavorably. They want students who can follow directions, and part of the challenge of these prompts is getting them inside the word limits, as difficult as it is sometimes.
Katsch   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / "I study physics during my free time" - MIT [7]

Oh, no problem, I understand. I hate it when I start writing and it sounds like someone else's work.
Don't worry about it unless you get the time, and good luck with that prompt as well! Meanwhile, I'll be trying to redo mine.
Katsch   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / "the Victory Lap" - Common App: Elaborate on Extra Curricular Activity [8]

I think you may have used the thesaurus a little too much here. Voyage of awareness? Radiating ebullience? Flabbergasted?
Your writing is fine, but I would maybe tone down the word choice. You don't want it to be too informal, but on the other hand, I feel like the words you're using are a little unnatural.
Katsch   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / "I study physics during my free time" - MIT [7]

My remark is usually replied with a perplexed face that communicates, "Are you crazy?"

Maybe this sounds better? It's up to you. "The usual response: a perplexed face that says, "Are you crazy?" "

Physics helps me to understand my world and my universe which gives me a unique satisfaction

Physics helps me to understand my world and my universe, giving me a unique satisfaction...

Haha, I'm totally on the fence about your last line. It cracked me up a little, but perhaps the overboard nerdiness is perfect for MIT.
Katsch   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Why Cornell Engineering? -- a disjointed essay about joints? [8]

I desperately need help with this one. I wasn't feeling very inspired, and I think maybe it needs more focus? I'd prefer general comments about the ideas and flow over grammatical edits. [Although I probably need a lot of those too, I didn't read over this too carefully.] Thanks!

Prompt: Engineers turn ideas (technical, scientific, mathematical) into reality. Tell us about an engineering idea you have or your interest in engineering. Explain how Cornell Engineering can help you further explore this idea or interest. [500 word limit.]

---

Lacking some profound artistic inspiration, I rely on the human body as my muse. My sketchbooks are filled with pages of hands and knees, the subtle contours of each joint carefully depicted in graphite. However, beauty is not only skin deep, and what lies beneath the surface is even more complex and intriguing. Although my first interest in the human body came from an appreciation for the human aesthetic, this begot a deeper curiosity of the body's inner mechanics.

I kept anatomy books at my disposal as references for my artwork, but I began reading them to understand what I was drawing. As Leonardo da Vinci dissected corpses to determine their basic structures, I did so vicariously by immersing myself in the glossy image-lined pages. What shapes the neck under that layer of skin? How does the spine bend and twist as it does? What allows us to move as gracefully as we do?

But more importantly, what stops us from moving so fluidly?

I notice the limitations of our bodies on Sunday mornings, when I play tennis with a lovely group of seniors. Though they match me step for step in enthusiasm, their knees do not allow them to dive, sprint, or dash as I do. When we rest against the chain-link fence, I see them adjust their knee and elbow braces, those ubiquitous black straps, and I feel slightly guilty that my joints still function so well. These pangs of guilt return during my walk home from the bus stop; my little sister lags behind, hindered by chronic ankle pain.

Coupled with my fascination for the structures of the body, it is a desire to both understand and resolve these bitter moments that draws me to biomedical engineering at Cornell. As a student of art, I find a certain awe in replicating the master work of Mother Nature, while as a student of math and science, I see a design problem waiting for an answer. However, I am motivated most by a desire to improve the lives of my loved ones.

At Cornell, I find inspiration in Professor Larry Bonassar's work on growing bone and tendon tissues, studies that could potentially reverse years of wear and tear on elderly knees and elbows. With Cornell's Engineering Learning Initiatives, I could get involved in joint replacement research with a faculty mentor, while outside of the classroom, student project teams would give me the opportunity to cooperate on ideas with a group of peers. For now, I am content with simply drawing the human body, but perhaps with a Cornell education under my belt, I will be able to design joint implants that are as beautiful as they are functional in the future.
Katsch   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / "Mr. Bingley was only a fish" - Yale Supplement-any topic [17]

Regardless of your topic, you'll be fine. You did end up putting a nice quirky spin on Mr. Bingley's farewell, so another topic idea is just something to think about!

He sat on my desk, left of my laptop, for the few months prior, since about Christmas or the New Year.

Perhaps word this a little differently? Along the lines of "He had been sitting on my desk to the left of my laptop since about Christmas, only a few months before."
Katsch   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / "Mr. Bingley was only a fish" - Yale Supplement-any topic [17]

My teacher actually warned my class about this list of cliched topics, and I'm sorry to say that the death of a pet was on it.

I like how you preface your essay, and your writing style seems truly genuine and shows real character to me. But if at all possible, perhaps try to tackle a topic that would appear a little more significant to an admissions officer than a fish's death? [no disrespect to Mr. Bingley, of course!]
Katsch   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Rice's academic life, Road to Equality [4]

I'm glad to see you shortened it, but I don't think you needed to make another thread... thanks for not acknowledging my comments either way.
Katsch   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / If you are applying to the Pratt school of Engineering - why you want to study engineering at Duke? [4]

... I knew that I wanted to make a difference in the lives of mankind. [on a side note, I'm not sure if you can call what you had a "passion," exactly. Unless you were constantly working to improve the lives of others, it seems a little dramatic.]

---
So you mention engineering at the end of your first paragraph, but then go on to talk about your interest in science. I just moved your sentence about engineering to the end of the second paragraph so it'll transition better into your Why Duke paragraph.
Katsch   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Why Brown Essay (no personal connections with Brown) [6]

I think you can almost entirely get rid of the first five sentences. You don't need to tell us that you aren't personally connected to Brown or that it's a prestigious institute. Don't try to make excuses for what doesn't draw you there, just focus on what does attract you to the school.

Your answer to "Why Brown?" is essentially "The balance between independence and guidance." The spirit of free curriculum, as you said very nicely. Maybe expand a little on why that fits your style of learning? Perhaps you've done a project under loose restrictions that's worked really well?

You don't have to research specific professors, but it might be nice to be more specific about Brown's programs. Make this essay unique. If you want this to help boost your chances of getting in, you're going to have to stand out among the other applicants answering this same question.
Katsch   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / "I want to study environmental engineering" - Johns Hopkins Supplement [3]

You stood in a desert?

Ironically, I see the words "Johns Hopkins" linked to it.

Why?

endorses my decision

I don't think endorses is the right word here.

With this knowledge I can research areas

With what knowledge?

Hence, saving our planet and making it a green and clean place to live.
Throughout the years I have learned various things about how to be the change.

Try not to generalize and state the obvious.

Try to be more specific about why Johns Hopkins is the right school for you. What parts of its program attract you?
Katsch   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Title: The Road Now Taken [3]

Woah, first of all, this looks far too long. You don't want to overburden the admissions officer reading your essay. I believe they asked for two to three pages double-spaced [I had this prompt as well], and yours looks to be about a little over four pages double-spaced.

I would perhaps transition a little better from you looking at the banner to your experience in Bangladesh. I felt some mental whiplash going between those paragraphs. Also, perhaps explain in a few words what Interact is? Do you really need to talk about the masquerade ball at all? It doesn't tie into the end of your essay, it feels more like a side topic you're trying to show off. I'm sure it's in your activities section, just focus on your trip to Bangladesh.

This is a little nitpicky, but I don't see any reason to compare the sky to Munch's painting unless you want to look intellectual.

I think some of the description when you're talking about your niece is a little excessive. I know you want to put in some good imagery, but don't lose the focus of the reader in all of the small details.

Much like the concept draw out from Robert Frost's elegant The Road Not Taken, my perspective of life to take the chance of seeing others by the same token aspired me to become more knowledge in different realms.

I find this sentence rather confusing... you really don't need to bring in references of works of art or literature to sound like you know what you're talking about.

It's kind of funny, we each this one sentence in the conclusion that sounds similar. Maybe great minds think alike.
Mine: "Instead of filing people under categories based on just one aspect of their identity, whether it be age or ethnicity or major, I plan on letting my fellow students show me who they are and what they can do."

I plan allow individuals to show me who they really are and not what today's stereotypes have set them up to me.

I don't think you should bring in anything about stereotypes though. You weren't exactly stereotyping your niece were you? It feels a little tangential.

Nevertheless, you have a nice writing style, and if you focus your essay more, I think it'll be great.

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