Undergraduate / "I am the best, I am the champion" - Overconfidence and humility [6]

Go for it! As every school differs in policy, they'll take your application if it's not too far from the deadline.

Undergraduate / U of Michigan - Respect for Diversity - Cultural Diff. (Chinese and Americans) [6]

yeah, I didnt really put too much time on this essay. I must admit greater good does sound corny too. You are not harsh at all. Sometimes a slap in the face is better than no slap at all. If there's no slap then I'm worried.

Undergraduate / "I am the best, I am the champion" - Overconfidence and humility [6]

Haha. my friend actually told me that, but in Form 2 ;). And you're right, its a Chinese adage! 一山還有一山高!!!

And yes, I actually changed the flow of my essay after being inspired by yours. I realised my focus shouldnt be all on academic goals and circumstances but something I can show the AOs (you reminded me: show not tell), but it's still was the same theme. It was hard to connect it all though. Nothing a few cups of espresso cant handle.

Thanks for the last minute proofread, you're a lifesaver. Gotta hand this in pronto after a few more reads.

Hey, by the way, do you have MSN or Facebook? Can I add you?

Undergraduate / JHU Supplementary Essay - Sick Sister - Need HELP fast! [13]

yes, I am sure. I know what you mean, I like most parts of Biology, but especially metabolism and hormone changes. I also like Chemistry, but mostly Organic Chemistry, so I guess Biochem would be right for me. One more thing is that, I heard and double checked, undergrads major doesnt affect the doctor path as long as I do well on the tests. But, thanks for asking.

Undergraduate / JHU Supplementary Essay - Sick Sister - Need HELP fast! [13]

Totally makeover, please help improve one last time

Undergraduate / "the Gifted Education Programme" - U of Wisconsin statement 2 [5]

If you are worried about making connections, try brainstorming how you can use cause and effect, comparison, contrast or whatever to explain specifically why this determination, gain of self-identity and humility is in fact related to academic outlook or can be applied to academics (or even above the textbooks?).

Hope this helps.

Undergraduate / "never started learning Chinese until I entered high school" - common app [12]

Thanks for the suggestion!

I admit I am not exactly bilingual, though pretty close, I guess, as thinking in Chinese is still rather slow for me. Also, strangely when I improve my Chinese, my English rusts. (rest=rust?)

Back to the essay, I am not exactly sure how to add "being bilingual/thinking in 2 languages" at the end without going off-topic or sounding awkward. In other words, my mind is fuzzy on how to connect the two. Also, I have a premonition that I might sound boastful.

But, hey, here's a try:

*ditto*

(Last Paragraph)
I realize how attitude impacted every corner of how I overcame difficulties most would succumb. Attitude holds the key to my perceptions; perceptions to my behaviors; behaviors decide outcome. We have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we choose to face setbacks. Through this struggle, I have learned another language (or more directly: "I have become bilingual"? sounds awkward...); but more importantly, I have gained outlook on life's principles. That concrete wall must be there for a reason; not because of a lack of strength or knowledge, but to obstruct people who do not have enough willpower to climb over it. I believe when I possess enough dedication, I can scale any wall in my path.

Compared with the above, what do you think? (Or does anyone else have ideas?)

Also, I must thank you again for spending the time to revise my essays. I never thought people could be so helpful.

Undergraduate / JHU Supplementary Essay - Sick Sister - Need HELP fast! [13]

Thanks, and yes I know what you mean.
I finally taste what is missing from this dish, I mean essay.
Maybe I'll cut a bit(dunno what, yet) and try adding something about my compellence towards my sister (as a brother's responsibility?) and the subject as well, combining 2 as 1.

I'm going to sleep, so maybe I'll give some feedback for your essay tomorrow.
Oh, and Good Luck for Michigan too! See you there? haha.

Undergraduate / "the Gifted Education Programme" - U of Wisconsin statement 2 [5]

I'm applying to Wisconsin too! So, good luck to us?

Prompt 1,as you know is:
The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?

I think if you have already answered something about personal development, maybe the university wants another perspective of things? Perhaps, they expect to know your academic goals specifically. But thats just my analysis. I think your essay has a good theme, but only a part is about academic circumstances/goals, while another is about your attitude adjustment from this. Are you worried about this?

If you ask me, I am only putting most of my hopes and dreams into #2.
I'm not influencing you to do the same, just something you might want to think over.

Undergraduate / "I wanted to be a boy" - U of Wisconsin statement [12]

Pretty good essay. Sometimes I wish I were a girl, haha. But I'm a man,man. errrrr.

However you could be slight more specific on the grass is greener part, as some people may not comprehend. Although personally, I understand what you mean.

Also, 2nd last paragraph could be expanded." I have learnt that something good always comes out of every situation, no matter how bad things may seem. " seems like your main theme. You have a good basic thesis sentence and example,but if this were my essay, I would just emphasize a bit more on what I have learned in depth. You know what I mean?

Undergraduate / JHU Supplementary Essay - Sick Sister - Need HELP fast! [13]

I feel lost. Two opposite perspectives. Can anyone else help out?

Replies

Susan: Thanks for the help on grammar and support.

happyhourman: I know what you mean, but I already have over 250 words.. Also, I'm not sure even if I add some of the reasonable options you have listed are related to the prompt, as it specifically says 'what' (an experience?) led me to choose the area, but not why I chose to take it at UMich. But, I agree that I haven't told the AO much about me besides my choice of interest and the reasons. Maybe some help on what to add about me? Personalities? More importantly, where to add it and what to cut?

Undergraduate / how did u hear about Mahindra and why mahindra [3]

Since you have all these mind-popping ideas, maybe you should conclude the different reasons into one same, focused theme. You have pretty good language command, but the essay is a bit shattered.

You became interested because of a 8-page newsletter? I've been through 20 newsletters which were good but I still couldnt make a choice, but perhaps you are more decisive. I think maybe examples like alumini conversations and other experiences would be more appealing to the AO. But seriously, maybe you shouldn't even bring up the newsletter altogether, unless the newsletter is really an one-of-a-kind inspiration to all the ideas that 'pop up', not just a brochure of information that you might paraphrase into reasons.

Lastly, I think you can cut the popping cause it is slightly redundant, gives me a feeling of randomness and it is a bit irritating after the 3rd pop(but that's just me.) Also the Ben Franklin quote is not really of any meaningful use, you can cut that too, unless you intend it as your thematic sentence.

Happy editing!

Undergraduate / Grandma: a situation where you had to work or closely associate with someone [6]

If you have it due in 24hrs, then give it in after last minute edits. It's pretty relevant and last 2 paragraphs are very solid indeed. Good Luck! Hope you are admitted!

Undergraduate / Smith College supps - I want to mature into a whole person [6]

No.1:
concise, straight to the point. But you can improve on the connection a bit.
I picture myself in a both academically prominent and caring environment that will urge me to mature into a whole person.==>(maturing in such an environment will make you head back to your roots?In what manner?) More thousands of excellent graduate Smithies will head back to their root and be helpful, and I long to be one of them.

You might want to rearrange the sentences a bit and see what works for you.

No.2:
Is this a personal statement? If so, no.2 should be in a first person narrative manner.

"Furthermore, school spirits may enable her to enjoy life fully.", "all are essential for a girl's development. " ==> how? I dont really see it from the essay, maybe a slight more informative would make it more easier to understand.

Undergraduate / U of Michigan - Respect for Diversity - Cultural Diff. (Chinese and Americans) [6]

Heavily revised edition, please help improve:

Undergraduate / "never started learning Chinese until I entered high school" - common app [12]

Please help me improve the revised edition

Also,I need to confirm if the essay is apprioriate for the prompt from UWMadison.
Statement 1:

The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?

Undergraduate / "never started learning Chinese until I entered high school" - common app [12]

wow, thanks. I had a feeling it was vague. But I couldnt think of anything else. But, there's one more thing, I need to confirm if the essay is apprioriate for the prompt from UWMadison. If you can, I would be very appreciative.

Undergraduate / UM, Book that has made impact on you: Victor Wooten (The Music Lesson) [16]

pretty effective essay! I'm applying for UM too!
excerpt:"
The Music Lesson is Victor Wooten's first book that is not strictly instructional. It contains a series of semi-fictional encounters between him and a character named Michael. It also describes his learning process in a 'parable' -like form, relating how he too had an approach toward music that was tainted, colored rather, by his own ignorance and presumptions of what it meant to be a musician.

An elemental message of the book would be how music is a language, not just an art-form. One can be artistic in the way one uses a language, but music is a language first, a medium of expression, before it is an art-form.

"
Maybe some form of transition is needed. Feels a bit sudden and awkward.

I am not sure about this, but might be of some use to you.The structure of this essay is made of many paragraphs. It felt like a maze when reading it and it is slightly fragmental. Maybe a bit more focus would be better.

Undergraduate / "never started learning Chinese until I entered high school" - common app [12]

U of Michigan Essay - Setback (Hong-Kong, America)

I need help with grammar, effectiveness and transition. Also, anything else I should add? Thanks.

The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?

Prompt: Describe a setback that you have faced. How did you resolve it? How did the outcome affect you? If something similar happened in the future, how would you react? (about 500)

Have you ever faced a 'concrete wall' barricading you from achieving something? For me, that concrete wall is Chinese Language. Chinese language was a barrier for me because at age 11 my family moved from America to Hong Kong. Through learning Chinese, I have understood to solve a problem, you must confront, not escape.

I used to live in America and never encountered this barrier, but as I stepped foot in Hong Kong, I bumped straight to this wall. A Chinese woman asked me for directions on a map and I was speechless, flushing red with shyness. In the end, I just shook my head and walked away. I held an 'escape from problems' attitude towards the language barrier ever since.

This attitude did not change until I entered high school. Unlike the students in my Hong Kong high school, my native language was English. However, my high school taught all subjects in Chinese. It was horribly difficult to cope with my studies when I had to look up Chinese characters in every subject book one at a time just to capture the contents of my lessons, not to mention that I could not catch any of the words my teacher said. To make matters worse, I did not fit well with other local students as there were significant cultural gaps accompanied by the obvious language problem. I felt terribly lonely because I couldn't make any friends. Life seemed meaningless. I thought of giving up and wanted to return to the States.

Quitting was not an option. I did not want to tell myself I was a quitter when I face obstacles and quitting is all I would do for the rest of my life. That would have been foolish and would not have accomplished anything. I pulled myself together. I worked day and night, telling myself that I knew more everyday than I did the day before. As I worked myself away, I saw my hard work bear fruit. As my Chinese steadily improved, I also made new friends. Once they knew my situation, they tried to help me and support me. They also encouraged me to join in their conversations. Without their help, I would not be able to climb over this wall. When I look back to my high school years in Hong Kong; I see an academic journey, a cultural journey as well as a mental journey I have made.

I realize how attitude impacted every corner of how I overcame difficulties most would succumb. Attitude holds the key to my perceptions; perceptions to my behaviors; behaviors decide outcome. We have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we choose to face setbacks. That concrete wall must be there for a reason; not because a lack of strength or knowledge, but to obstruct people who do not have enough willpower to climb over it. I believe when I possess enough dedication, I can scale any wall in my path.

I recycled my essay (though I know shouldn't be shortcutting, but a occasional circumvention around the 'wall' is okay I guess)*wink*, but I'm not sure if it answers the prompt correctly, especially the 'how your presence enriches the UWM community' part. Please advise me on how I can edit and improve it or if I should consider redoing it. Thanks

Undergraduate / 'Lessons from my Latino heritage' - Cultural Difference-University of Washington [4]

Cut the first sentence, I find no relation to your essay. I attend a dominantly white school, so there is not a strong diverse group.

Since the above have done most of the proofreading, let me tell you about the general improvements that could be added.
Maybe you could add more connection with overwhelming housework and cultural diversity? I mean I have loads of housework I lose 3 hours a day and possibly so do many other people. I perceive diversity as the reason you are different from others and culture as a certain group's distinct activities that may not be essential for life survival but for some other reason(s). If you are talking about how you are culturally different, maybe adding some Latino elements or any other cultural difference into it that makes it different from others would be a good idea.

On the other hand, maybe you can add more sentences about how you managed your time effectively or other character-building etc??

Hope this helps.

Undergraduate / Girls, Girls, Girls- Common Short Essay [21]

The essay is truly one-of-a-kind ... But I dont get the humor above the 'double spheres'. Frankly, all I can infer from this 'essay' is that you are not sophisticated enough for college and I feel like I have wasted my time. Hope you havent sent it yet because I think you can do better than that.

Undergraduate / NYU supplements- essay about why i chose academic program & NYU [8]

This was a bit of a disaster. I don't think you have made a logical connection to being an equalist/feminist and your interest in analyzing the phenomenon on gender. Also, your essay sounds slightly biased.

So, it was natural to choose Gender & Sexuality Studies as my major at NYU
==> in what way was it natural? need to specify.

There is no other school that offers such an environment as the College of Arts and Sciences does.
==> by what means? too vague.

The program there does not just offer me a chance to read and study- it gives me the chance to explore the meanings of "male" and "female" actively.

==> Would you think that's too general? All education is based on reading and studying. I think you could do better on describing what makes 'gender' so interesting to you.

Criticism is hard to accept and I hate to be a bringer of bad news. But to be frank, you really have many aspects you can improve on and I hope this helps. If no one criticized on your essay, you should be worried.

Undergraduate / Common App Short Answer - Xiangqi (Chinese Chess) [6]

Thanks Mel for the help. Finally thought how to end this nightmare.

Undergraduate / JHU Supplementary Essay - Sick Sister - Need HELP fast! [13]

Thanks!
I think this is one of the hardest essays, not only requiring research, but concise thinking and I aint that good at transition, so this was a nightmare.

==>The reason I consider this an important aspect arises out of my cross-cultural educational experiences.

I know this sounds random. But, I think it goes well with my other common app essay and additional statement. So I will put that as a 'maybe change'. I agree I should add a sentence or two.

Ive also thought about replacing CMU with something else, but I guess it wouldnt matter too much, so I skipped that to revise other essays.

What do you think?

Oh yeah, Thanks again! Good Luck to you as well! I hope you can get into Cornell, or your #1 choice!

Undergraduate / Common Application Personal Essay - Photography and North Korea [5]

Hi, I'm from HK too! I see you've put a lot of time on your essay.
But, your essay was pretty long and you should cut it back a bit if this is for the common application essay (250~500 words).
887 words made it a bit boring when I got to the middle cause I am reading similar things again, although it's a good essay and I know you want to put contrast.

Maybe 450-550 would be better.

Also, You've put a lot of experiences, but I see most of the 'edification' you put was at the back. You could try elaborating a bit more (Like most HK English teachers always say, ha! But really.) on your personal character and individuality.

Another thing, the essay is a bit elated and you could be more concise.

Once you finished, can I ask for a favor (ren qing)? If you have time, check out my essay:

Undergraduate / Common App Short Answer - Xiangqi (Chinese Chess) [6]

Hey, thanks. You're right - that sentence is opaque.

And if you also a few minutes to spare xP, please check out my Carnegie Supplementary essay:

And if you want to learn more: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xiangqi
It's pretty popular in Hong Kong and East Asia, but not well-known in US or Western countries, but similar to International Chess.

Undergraduate / Cornell CAS - The Fantastic Theatrical Five-Year-Old [9]

Hey, once youre finished,
If you have time, please check out my short answer:

Undergraduate / Cornell CAS - The Fantastic Theatrical Five-Year-Old [9]

Nice essay, I see you are very good at writing narrative essays

Minor changes
Wow, you must have revised it a lot! So far I see perfect grammar.
But, Best to keep it formal:
Last sentence: I'llwill have my superstar moment

Suggestions:
Maybe you could emphasize more on the 'growing as a person' instead of just the experience of acting. Colleges do want to know more about YOU. Maybe a bit more on the moment in your mind where you tried to overcome stage fear?

Undergraduate / "Contribute To Life At Rice" - Rice Supplement [4]

Arent we all? xP Such a UN-happy new year it has been. Okay, enough with the cr*ppy joking.

Here is are some minor changes to consider.

Slight redunance:

I am eager to hopefully be a part of the Rice community and a residential college

Double 'which':
Within my residential college I could contribute a perspective which would create the atmosphere of diverse backgrounds for which Rice is famous.
Something like this ==> Within my residential college I could contribute even more to Rice's already famous diversity.

Not sure.Using active voice and maybe a re-phrase would be better. You make the choice
Among these possibilities exists one - Rice University - in which I am the most interested
==> Among all the other possiblities, I am most interested in Rice University .

overall, I think this is a great essay, great ending. I'm not that good with writing essays but I sure know a winning one when I see it.

Undergraduate / "Santa Claus" Common Application Essay [9]

I think this is a winning essay, good job. Very good imagination and nice choice of words.
Some minor things you can improve on.

In the middle:
How was I supposed to believe in Santa when I was the one paving the road for my parents? It wasn't my fault my parents immigrated here and were novices to this holiday.

You could do a better transition here.

Last paragraph:
What I hope to get from my college experience is something deeper than a good education. Within the student body is a diverse pool of individuals interacting with each other. There, I hope that college gives me a taste of the global community that we live in.

Maybe you could not use I hope twice? Slightly repetitive.

Ending:
Not sure about the ending sentence. I know what you're trying to be funny, and it's good as I see it, but admission officers might take 'crazy loon' in a wrong way. Your choice.

Undergraduate / University of Rochester supplement. Short Answer, Individuality and independence [4]

Dont want to be frank, but in my opinion I think your essay is in lack of 'stuffing' and depth. Like an fried egg with no yolk.

I'll make this easy for you and me(Im busy doing essays, too, got like 10 universities I want to apply.).

Since:
Individuality and independence are some of the qualities I greatly admire.

You've talked about individuality. Where is the part about independence in your essay? Need evidence.

I think students in Rochester are all very unique in their own way of thinking, learning, and experiencing. <--where does this come from? You need proof! Talk a bit more about Rochester's students?

And yes, I think your essay is not focused enough/straight to the point.
You have a good example in your essay, but you need to emphasize it better, to make it stand out,if you know what I mean. Good Luck!!

Student Talk / What is more important? Common application essays or supplement essays? [9]

If you have similar application qualities, of course both are as important, someone who has the same grades/qualities but has almost perfect essays will have a definite edge. Also, this edge varies with each college.

Advice: I would try my best for each essay.

Undergraduate / Commonapp essay:academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences [7]

I dont have a lot of time,so after a quick sweep of your essay, here's what I think:
I like your essay, but you could try doing some of the following things to improve.
1.Proofread it again. I took a few glances and already some minor grammatical mistakes.
2.Put more focus. Your essay is slightly long and you there are many things you can cut. Be more concise.
3.Add more you. These types of topics can easily make you talking more about world facts and less you. I dont see enough about what makes you special.

Undergraduate / Admissions Essay Influential Person-Mother [3]

Hey,thanks. I knew the essay was a bit vague and full of grammar errors but at least now I have some ideas on how to revise it. If you have time, could also have a look at my other essay? I'd be very grateful: