EF_Team5
Nov 27, 2008
Undergraduate / In Japanese, my name literally means straight arrow; COMMON APP [3]
Good morning :)
The thing that I notice right off is your varying tense. For instance, you begin with "I will live a life where I would keep moving..." choose either past or present tense and then stay with it throughout the entire piece.
Avoid contractions in formal academic writing; "it's" should be "it is."
Make sure you are placing your punctuation immediately after the last word of your sentence and capitalizing the first words of sentences.
Instead of saying "have gotten" try a more formal word choice such as "received."
Make sure you are stating exactly what you want to say. Never assume your audience knows what you mean. For instance, "By keeping my attendance , I have proved..." By keeping your attendance what? Perfect? Probably, but don't make your reader guess what you mean.
In regards to content, I'm not sure whether or not this is a good response to the prompt because you didn't include the prompt in your posting, but this looks like a well organized, nicely structured piece. You have a body that sticks to your introduction and topic, and a conclusion that doesn't introduce new information. Good work.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Good morning :)
The thing that I notice right off is your varying tense. For instance, you begin with "I will live a life where I would keep moving..." choose either past or present tense and then stay with it throughout the entire piece.
Avoid contractions in formal academic writing; "it's" should be "it is."
Make sure you are placing your punctuation immediately after the last word of your sentence and capitalizing the first words of sentences.
Instead of saying "have gotten" try a more formal word choice such as "received."
Make sure you are stating exactly what you want to say. Never assume your audience knows what you mean. For instance, "By keeping my attendance , I have proved..." By keeping your attendance what? Perfect? Probably, but don't make your reader guess what you mean.
In regards to content, I'm not sure whether or not this is a good response to the prompt because you didn't include the prompt in your posting, but this looks like a well organized, nicely structured piece. You have a body that sticks to your introduction and topic, and a conclusion that doesn't introduce new information. Good work.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com