Undergraduate / Business letter to an associate from abroad, philosophy of Negotiation [in Business] [5]

Here at Cedars Hospital we know that conflict is inevitable and unavoidable.

there is an assortment of different methods of

Your first paragraph has too many ideas for my liking. One paragraph should generally express one idea and then elaborate on that.

Your writing is excellent. I don't have anything else to criticize.

^^This was for the first draft.

I don't think there's any problem with the second one.

Undergraduate / "Literature is the best way to overcome death"- Amherst Supplement- Reply to quote [6]


You don't need to cut anything. You can modify some sentences to make them sound more personal.

Undergraduate / "Literature is the best way to overcome death"- Amherst Supplement- Reply to quote [6]

The transition from the first to the second paragraph is a bit abrupt.

You present valid arguments, but is that the main point of this essay? I thought every admissions essay has to be somehow personal in nature. Right now, your essay lacks that personal edge, albeit slightly.

For example, in the third paragraph, phrases like "profound impact" only leave vague impressions on the reader's mind. How did it specifically affect you?

The last sentence of that para also falls in that category.

Other than that, your essay is great. I found it a very interesting read.

Poetry / critique for my "5 senses of your favorite color" poem [10]

I don't get poems.
I wouldn't be able to digest one even if it is forced through my wrong end. Hence, to make such an imbecile appreciate this, you must have done something right.


Yes, I think that was pretty clear to me. You don't need to worry about that.


Let's see...the first one is on "feels like," second on smell, third on taste, fourth sound, and fifth on "looks like"... am I right?

If I'm right, then I think in the first stanza the word "goodness" doesn't fit.

This is a typo I believe --> Straigh t into my ears

I love the fourth stanza.

There you go, my first poem critique. You can of course dismiss it as a load of tosh.

Undergraduate / "My mathematical expertise" - part of my nature I am most proud of [6]


I forgot to point out this in the first draft. The transition here is too abrupt for my liking. I think it would be great if your essay had the following organisation:

You hated teachers.
You had one (or two) experience which resulted in a paradigm shift. (Right here you can put the "ironically" part)
Now you like teaching. (You can explain why)

I think in this way it would be easier for the reader to follow your train of thought.

You can disagree, of course.

Undergraduate / distinguished academics coupled with exuberant traditional school spirit, Ohio [4]


This is a convoluted sentence. I didn't understand it completely. Anyway, I think it would be good idea if you keep your sentences short. You don't want to leave the AOs guessing. (However, I must add, the AOs will be much better readers than I am ;))


This stuff is not specific. Make every sentence count.


Don't talk about obvious things. Let the AOs know that you have done some proper research on the school.


A vague phrase.

The conclusion is full of generic material.

Miranda, you must have done some research on the school -- use that research. For example, instead of saying "versatility," you should illustrate it with some example which shows the versatility of the school.

Also, talk more about your chosen discipline. So instead of talking about rankings and stuff, say why you think the architecture course at OSU is unique. How is it different from other universities?

Finally, using specific examples, demonstrate how you think OSU will provide you with the full college experience..

Undergraduate / "My mathematical expertise" - part of my nature I am most proud of [6]


I think that is one of the problems. When I read the essay, I felt that it is on your love for teaching. However, when you brought up that point about learning with students, I became unsure. So right now your essay has two distinct themes which are not properly interlinked.

Anyway, I think it would be great if you can incorporate the obstinate learning thing with the main theme.
^^It's a personal opinion though.


Personality is a broad term. According to the prompt, you're supposed to talk about an attribute of your personality, and "love for teaching" should qualify as an attribute.

I've read the other essay. I think it suffers from the same problem. However, since that one is a bit wordier, you can get away with it. The anecdote you are referring to is on a completely different topic -- at least it seems to me that way. You can write an entire essay on "obstinate learning."

Undergraduate / "My mathematical expertise" - part of my nature I am most proud of [6]

I like your starting sentence. However, you make a poor job of linking it with the rest of the essay. Right now it's hanging there alone. You should incorporate that with teaching -- how the best teachers are the ones who remain lifelong obstinate learners.

You make a similar observation here: "I learned that the great teacher learns with his students"
This is good, but there should be more. Cut some, add some.


This is a useless sentence.


This one too. We all know how noble teaching is.

Undergraduate / "...If we were to admit one more student, why you?" - ISB admission essay [3]

Essay 1


It is not clear how you influenced your team member. Hence, the preceding words "ingenuity" and "inquisitiveness" are sounding like baseless assertions.


Don't make claims you cannot substantiate in the essay.


Although, you make an effort to back up these, you don't do it properly. That's because you go on listing 2-3 achievements, and thus you are left with no room to elaborate on them.

My suggestion would be to select one achievement and talk extensively on that one. Moreover, instead of making assertions, you just explain how you carried out that particular project; how you met the deadlines...you know stuff like that.

Let the AOs decide themselves what qualities set you apart.

Essay 2

I love your first paragraph. It is so specific. Good job!


This is a long sentence. If possible, break it up into two.
[quote=caprigaurav]Hands-on experience in consulting-projects and various Leadership .../quote]
This is another one. An AO reading scores of essays in one sitting won't appreciate such convoluted sentences.

Overall this is a good essay :)

Scholarship / "bringing my friends together" - Scholarship Essay for Washington University [5]


This sentence doesn't add anything, as it just repeats the prompt in a different way. So, get rid of it.

My parents are from two different cultures and ethnic backgrounds .


You are repeating stuff again.

I'm not sure about the example of your friends. If I were you, I'd elaborate on the debating group or soccer team, and select one example from there.

However, this is just a personal opinion.

The conclusion looks ordinary. Think of something different.

Graduate / "to become a health care professional" - Personal Statement- PA application [3]


Capitalize "aunt"


This looks like a sentence fragment.


I thought this was a weird sentence. Why would you need motivation if you're passionate about something?


Don't use vague phrases like "great intellect." Specifically say what you learned.


There's something wrong with this sentence. How is this for a revision :-
"I have learned that medicine is more than just the science or art of healing. It is also about compassion and the sharing of knowledge calmly with patients."


How? Substantiate this claim with an example.


It's better to avoid the second person in this type of essay.

Undergraduate / Engineers can turn ideas into reality. [19]


Haha...yes, you're right. I'm not very good with words. You've written it nicely.


That's what I'm talking about! Cool stuff!
I can put another engineering argument over the usage of the word "optimize," but let's not be nitpicky here. It's fine the way you've written it.

This is good. Now let's move on to the para on Cornell.


I don't think this sentence adds anything. They already know you're interested in Cornell.
The rest looks fine except the one I've pointed out earlier.

Good luck!!! Hope you get admitted :)

Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate Essay: My family's unique influence on me [11]


Yep. Me too :)

Undergraduate / Engineers can turn ideas into reality. [19]

One professor from the elite Indian Institutes of Technology said to me, "A chemical engineer can work in any field." Hence, whatever you're saying is absolutely correct.

However, I think you misunderstood me. I wasn't alluding to the fact that chemical engineers only work in process plants. What I meant was, your ideas should seem like engineering ideas and not a chemist's ones. Consider the following:


When I read this, I thought -- "Why do you want to study engg.? You could have gone for applied chemistry with specific interest in inorganics or polymers."

Thus the engineering idea is absent. You should be able to make that distinction, so that you don't come out sounding like someone who is only interested in chemistry.

An engineering idea is something like this -- "Why does one vehicle-light cluster cost higher than another? Can I find some way to produce methacrylate so that even the average father can afford the cars fitted with those which presently only celebrities can afford?"

^This is just a crude example, but do you get the general idea?

An engineer doesn't innovate for the sake of innovation. There has to be an economic angle attached to it. Unless whatever you're producing is not affordable, there's no value for all the creativity behind the process of production.


That's fine, but now consider another possibility: you have a product which has large practical use in the market, and after considerable research you have found at least three different ways/processes of producing that product. For the sake of simplicity, let's consider that product to be sulphuric acid. Now chemistry dictates that all the three processes should give equal amounts of sulphuric acid as determined by the stoichiometric reactions. So which process do you choose? Again, this where a chemical engineer comes in. Chemical engineers only can make the distinction between the processes, and that distinction will not be governed by chemistry. Chemists cannot do that.

This is why it's so important to distance yourself from a chemist.


Cool. No problem!

Scholarship / Centers, infinity, absurdity--they're exciting [12]


Sometimes I really don't understand your thought process.
If I make an absurdly creative statement, it would be -- the centre of infinity is infinity.

Do you know there's a scientific term for absurdity?
It's called "singularity"


I didn't understand what these sentences are doing in this essay. They introduce something different -- an idea on which another essay can be written.

Okay, the fourth paragraph -- it's a bit convoluted, but I got your meaning. (actually I had to read it twice :)
But what is point of the argument? Why have you written it? Is there something you are unsure of, that you want to find out in the future? Which part of the prompt does it address?

That's not clear right now.

Cool essay. I like the ending. This looks like something you think of on a regular basis.

Undergraduate / Engineers can turn ideas into reality. [19]


Cool opening!!


haha... :D

Um... did you do some research on what chemical engineering actually means? You seem to know only the obvious aspects of chemical engineering. It's too easy to elaborate on things related to chemistry and link them to chemical engineering. However, chemical engineering has much more to it.

Do you know that you can be a good chemical engineer even if you are not better than the average high school kid in chemistry? Chemical engineering is more about physics and mathematics than chemistry. Chemistry only sets the boundaries within which a chemical engineer works.

Let me give you an example: consider a reaction which is endothermic in nature, that is, you need to supply additional heat to carry out a particular reaction. In a chemistry lab you can put the reactants in a test tube and heat it over a burner to get your products. But what is the amount of material you will get? 5 grams, 10 grams...not much is it? Now consider that you need to produce at least 10 tons of that particular product everyday. Do you think heating over a burner will work now?

That's where chemical engineering comes in.

Whatever you are saying in that paragraph are not the real concerns of a chemical engineer. Moreover, everyday practical use of a specific compound is also a chemist's concern.

So do your research properly!

Conclusion needs some work. What do you want to do when you become an "reputable chemical engineer"?

Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate Essay: My family's unique influence on me [11]


There's no doubt that that was a good metaphor. I completely understood what you were trying to say. What I meant was -- you should explain a bit about "knocking down challenges left, right and centre" before you introduce the next part. Do you understand what I mean? However, this is just a personal opinion. You don't have to agree with everything I say :)

Oh...by the way, I think it would be a good idea if you use only the American spellings. (I'm referring to "centre" = "center")

Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate Essay: My family's unique influence on me [11]

When there is a word limit, it's better to directly address all the points you want to mention. Consider your first two sentences: you could have said all that in one sentence.


This doesn't fit with the first part of the sentence. When you say "a fighter" you should first explain why you said that. After that only, you can introduce a different characteristic/argument/idea.


Instead of writing the first sentence like this, can you write it like the first sentence of the corresponding paragraph? What I mean is, can you write it with the help of an example, and not plainly state it?

The highlighted sentence seems unnecessary.

I like this essay. Your approach was different. Instead of writing like "I am very blah blah blah" and supporting with some examples, you approached it in the opposite way. Cool thinking!

Grammar, Usage / "I did it myself" - A question on compound personal pronouns [7]


Haha...pathetic grammarians.
Thanks for the link :)

Undergraduate / Significant expereince-- 6th grade math class [18]


:P
It's good though -- nice way to remember words. I'll never forget that antidis...thingy. Whenever that word comes up, instead of saying the actual meaning, I'll end up talking about that discussion. :)

Undergraduate / Significant expereince-- 6th grade math class [18]


Haha...how do I know? I'm confused like anything. When you say "reflex" it makes me think of the autonomous nervous system and all the anatomical terms associated with it. It also makes me think of the number of vertebrae we have in our backbone. Whatever you're saying is ... whoooosh... and there she goes...over my head...:D

On a serious note, I think you should take a few more opinions. Others may easily understand that part.

Undergraduate / Significant expereince-- 6th grade math class [18]


It's not a problem, and I didn't think it was all that abrupt. I don't know how to put it...it was like a digression...a mild digression. I know I'm sounding confused, but I don't know a better way to explain this.

Don't make changes for the time being.


That's the idea.


I didn't understand this. How can you be indebted to yourself?

This one looks better. It looks "personal" as you say.


Hehe...I never realized that. :)


It's good, but I've got no issues with the last one, except the last sentence.

Undergraduate / Significant expereince-- 6th grade math class [18]


Shouldn't there be "the" before "means"?

Okay, I don't know what to criticize; I guess I'll just talk about what your essay made me think.

First of all, I found it quite hard to hold on to a single thought which described the essay. I mean, in the first paragraph, I felt you were going to talk about something related to maths, or the class in general. However, you ended it up with the boy.

In the second paragraph you make an intriguing point, and while it looks good, I felt like you were telling me why an unpleasant experience is sometimes important for learning. I know that, and have known it for quite sometime, and I'm sure the AOs know that too.

The third sentence of the third paragraph seemed similar to what I've pointed out. Again, I felt as if you were teaching me something, and I'm not sure if that's a good idea for an admissions essay.


You're stating the obvious. The word "psychiatry" means the same thing.
In any case, I think the concluding sentence is weak.

These are just my observations. You're free to disagree.

Undergraduate / Biomechanical engineering, Uni of Texas Austin transfer/Statement of Purpose [4]

so my mother moved my siblings and I -- Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think the word should be "me". I think, in this type of sentence, where there is a conjunction, the personal pronoun takes the accusative form.

I hadn't made a connection and settled for the fact -- A comma seems necessary, just before the conjunction.


This sentence is not necessary. This is better explained in the second paragraph.


Here the two ideas seem to be in contrast. Did they encourage you? If they did, then why would your confidence fall?
I see that the placement exam lowered your confidence, but why was it low in the first place when your parents had encouraged you?


I thought this paragraph was totally irrelevant to this essay.


This is a weak sentence. You shouldn't say you're an altruist. Make the readers conclude themselves. The rest of the sentence is stuff that anyone else can say.

I have to say you write well. However, this essay doesn't address the prompt completely. You didn't say a lot about biomechanical engineering. You should also be specific about your career goals. Biomechanical engineering is a large field; can you say something specific you want to do in this field? If you have done the research, you'll know what to write.

Good luck!! We have the same field of interest :)

Undergraduate / intellectual challenges - Stanford-intelellectually engaging activity [17]

Pure maths is that branch of mathematics which is not at all concerned with the applications in the real world. When you say, "math is necessary for studying electricity," you are referring to applied maths whether you mean it or not. What I mean is, you cannot talk about pure maths and electricity in the same context.

Mathematics used in electricity is applied mathematics. Mathematics used to derive the applied forms of mathematics is pure mathematics.
Some mathematicians even compare pure maths to some form of art.

Anyway, I guess I might be boring you. I just get excited when something related to maths or chemistry comes up. :)

Grammar, Usage / "I did it myself" - A question on compound personal pronouns [7]

Okay, this point is pretty clear now.

Thanks again :)

Grammar, Usage / "I did it myself" - A question on compound personal pronouns [7]

Cool! Thanks Maria!

So if we change the sentence to "I did it to myself" will that become a reflexive pronoun?


I'm not writing anything. It's just an argument I had with a friend of mine. Seems like I won :D

Student Talk / What are the jobs prospects for BA(Economics and social studies) (Hons)? [7]

Hello Preesha!

The decision is totally up to you. First, you have to sort your priorities. Clear your mind of everything others told you, and think about what YOU want to do with your life. Would you like the career that deals with economics, or would you prefer to be a lawyer?Usually, money should not be the deciding factor. You wouldn't want to condemn your life to some high paying job which makes you feel sick to the core.

Then again, it depends on your present financial condition. One of my best friends is in a job which pays him highly, but I know that he hates his job, and is only doing it to support his family. So these things also matter.

Think about these things. If your don't have any financial constraints, and really enjoy stuff related to economics, then go for it. If for some reason you end up disliking it, you can always study law at postgraduate level.

Anyway, like I said, the decision rests with you. Talk to your close ones, like you parents or siblings. They will know what is best for you. Don't listen to others. Your parents know you best, and they'll always have the best intentions for you.

I don't know if I clarified your doubts or multiplied them. I hope it's not the latter.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - the idea of talking about students behaviours. [4]

Hello Jose!

First of all, I'd point out that your essay is below the minimum word limit specified by IELTS for the task 2 of the writing section. Your word count is 244 (min. words required is 250), and you will definitely lose marks for that.

Human behaviour has been changing, perhaps following several changes thatin our culture, life and many essentials things, which we need to live, have been changing.


There is something wrong with this sentence. I've tried and failed to fix it. Maybe, someone else will help you out.

Despite the fact that the school should beis considered such as children's second househome , has it camecome along with the world's changes?

Schools how it used to be, with more rules to follow than attractive subjects, to catch children attention, could have been the cause of many students' problematic behaviours. (interesting point)


Here is a suggested correction: Normally, students under 21 tend to have challenging minds. When put under severe rules, they may revolt against the ones making these rules, that is, the teachers and the directors.

Even th ough, most of the problems with students are reported in schools, bad behaviours could have started inside children's housetheir homes . (another good point)

Problems in family may lead to children behaving intolerantly at schools

Not presentWorking parents (although "not present" can mean a lot of things, for the sake of simplicity, I've replaced it with "working"), who do not provide enough attention and do not teach their children, tend to create no respectable people. (Did you mean, "tend to raise undisciplined children"? )


This is an incomplete sentence. What do these schools do for the children?
Don't repeat "more" so many times.

In addition, parents who better look after their children, teaching them politeness and no many family problems tend to raise children who don't have many behavioural problems at school. (Is that what you meant? Because it was another incomplete sentence.)

Write a different concluding sentence. This one doesn't fit because you have not suggested any steps to confront the problem of student behaviour. You have just reflected on some observations.

Undergraduate / intellectual challenges - Stanford-intelellectually engaging activity [17]


Not exactly.

Nowadays, everything is interrelated in some way or other.
Since I'm a chemical engineer, I'll give you an example from chemical engineering.

You must have heard the term "fluid dynamics". Fluid dynamics is one of the core areas of interest for a chemical engineer.
One of the most interesting research areas in contemporary mathematics is Computational Fluid Dynamics (CFD). So if you are a mathematician and want to study CFD, you will have to take a course on fluid dynamics before you can start your research on CFD. In other words, chemical engineering is necessary for studying maths.

You can find similar examples in other disciplines (electrical engineering) also.

Real world applied maths is a lot different than what you would get in your high school textbooks.

Undergraduate / "Potential problems" - Evaluate a significant experience, achievement [6]

Hi Boris!

In your first paragraph, you seem to be telling the reader why risks are important, and this is not at all relevant to this essay. Always try to stick to the prompt.

The second and third paragraph are similarly unimportant. There's no point is talking about background stuff. Just start the essay from the experience itself.

The fourth too.

In your sixth paragraph you get to the point.

The rest looks good.

Okay, my advice would be -- limit the words you use describing the setting.
Your essay is very long for my liking. I don't think an AO reading scores of essays in one day would appreciate such length.

Undergraduate / This is my escape; SOP UTexas at Austin Radio/TV/Film [12]

I'm no grammar buff, so I'll refrain from giving advice on the same. I'll just see if your essay has any other problems.


This is a cliched phrase. Can you use a different one?


Okay, I can see why Liebe said this part was boring.
I won't go that far, but I certainly think you are digressing here. A statement of purpose is different from normal college essays. If you read the prompt carefully, you'll see that the whole essay should be somehow related to your chosen discipline. The instructions make that point very clear.

I'd suggest that you concisely say in one line why you could not attend UTSA immediately. Then talk about how you prepared yourself to meet UT's requirements. You can elaborate on what classes you took.

Do you understand what I mean? Everything you say should be built around your chosen discipline. The part about changing schools and stuff is not really relevant.

For the next paragraph, I have to agree with Liebe. There is certainly a hint of generalization; it's not much, but it is there all the same. Some people may interpret that you have not watched enough movies on Latinos. In other words, you may not have the amount of knowledge necessary to make those conclusions.

Can you find a different angle of saying the same thing -- an angle which is objective in nature? That's because I like that part. It shows that you have a certain goal, and this is very important in an SOP.

Michele, you just need to focus your essay a bit more towards your subject and your goals. Do that and your essay should come out fine.

Undergraduate / My Trip Across The Pond....diverse perspective [6]


This sentence doesn't do much except repeat a part of the prompt. I'd start the essay from the second one -- it will have a greater impact. Then I'd somehow incorporate that "trip across the pond" thing in the rest of the essay. That is just my opinion; you can disagree.


Isn't "throughout" one word?


The highlighted part -- why is it there? The sentence looks better without it.


I think it should be "gained".


Like what?

Undergraduate / Biographical essay: the dissolved Soviet Union to the modern America [20]


yep, yep...dunno about others, but I think so ;)


Yeah, at least I do. I can't speak for Kevin. In his own words, he is something more than a computer program but less than a robot. ;)

Undergraduate / Biographical essay: the dissolved Soviet Union to the modern America [20]

I don't think I can add much, but let me try.


Ah, we all know where Soviet Union was. You are such a good writer that I don't think you need to rely on this type of sentence for the "effect".


This is cool! I mean, really cool!


Again, we know.

Great essay!

Undergraduate / "Quitting soccer" - meaningful event. UF college application essay [8]

You're welcome!

Okay, that's better. Nice last sentence.

Essay#2
Remember to create a new thread every time you post a new essay. Just post the edited ones in the same thread.
What's the prompt? Is it the same?

around their televisions -- plural

what happened to your sister?


Here I got lost a bit.

Emily, I don't have any problem with your style of writing. It's always better to stick with your own style. That way you sound original and unpretentious.

Just make sure that whatever you are writing is easily understandable. I recently read two essays which were very unconventional, but they got the message through clearly.

One was written, in Kevin's words, "like a palindrome". It started and ended with the same idea.
The other one didn't have any conventional paragraphs.

So think about these things :)

Undergraduate / "My greatest fear in life...is wasting it." Northeastern Med School (NEUCOM) essay [5]

I like your opening sentence. Let's see if the rest lives up to it.


A suggestion for the highlighted part -- "...I will feel regret -- regret that I wasted all the time I had"


Another one -- "My fear, ultimately, is that I will waste my life"


That seemed really weird. I see no logical connection between becoming a doctor and all that you mentioned earlier.


Please don't use this phrase. "Helping people" is such a broad term. You can even "help people" by cleaning their bathrooms for free ;) ... just kidding

Okay, your second paragraph was nicely written. But don't you think every other applicant can say the same stuff? Except the part on your grandfather and volunteering, it is very generic. It doesn't set you apart from other applicants.

By the way, don't capitalize grandfather & grandpa.


Here you are repeating stuff.


This is again a generic sentence. It would have been better if you named a particular ailment you are interested in researching. Right now it seems like you don't have a specific plan.


These are pretty useless sentences.


You sound corny, again.


This part is good. This is specific, and shows that you have a clear plan.

This is a good draft, but definitely not the finished product. You need to work on it.
By the way, "Salman Khan" is a very famous actor in India. You don't happen to be him, right?...Again, just kidding ;)

Undergraduate / Miscelleneous Short Answer Questions (Career goals, fav music, books, sports,etc.) [23]


haha...you're funny.

And yeah whimsy...whatever that means ;)
I always end up learning new words after conversing with you -- so thanks for that :)

Undergraduate / Miscelleneous Short Answer Questions (Career goals, fav music, books, sports,etc.) [23]

Really? That's so cool!

You can't do that in India. Here you need to obtain an undergrad degree in medicine if you want to be a doctor. Then, if you want to be a psychiatrist, you have to choose psychiatry as your field in your post grad studies.