Undergraduate / 'Preaching my first sermon' - An attempt to jumpstart NCSSM essays [5]


It is, when you name the final product, i.e. salt. Whereas in your case, you are talking about the ingredients, or the separate elements which occur before the reaction. Therefore, it should be Chlorine.

Undergraduate / "My aspiration to be a registered nurse" - Nursing Personal Statement [4]

With limited professional training , toys and fairytales became my healing tools. -- Would you like to replace that word with "experience"?

In working with the nurses at Child Life, I have come to appreciate the flexibility ...


Cut these out. The first one is unnecessary, while the second one is a weak sentence.

As an aspiring nurse, I seek a nursing program that offers a challenging and comprehensive...


Again, not needed.

This is a good essay. I like the way you started -- it's unique. The organization of the essay is also nice.

Undergraduate / "The Metamorphosis," "Antidisestablishmentarianism"-Unsettling novel-Favorite Word [12]


Word foms
Singular : Vermin
Plural : Vermin

[Source: macmillandictionary.com/dictionary/british/vermin]

Undergraduate / Knowing oneself, is the beginning of all wisdom - the purest reflection of me in a mirror [9]


This is a long sentence. Maybe, you can break it into two parts. The first ending at "classroom", and the second starting like, "However, it can only..."

Do you really need the second paragraph? It looks pretty by itself, but I doubt whether it adds anything to the essay. You could have said all that in one sentence and used it to start the third paragraph.

You write well. The usage of short paragraphs makes it easy on the eye.

Writing Feedback / 'thank to god not being sick' IELTS - What factors are important in achieving happiness? [3]

For thea human being -- use the indefinite article "the" only when you are referring to a particular person or thing.

expectations from their lifelives and...

Don't use too many "he or she". Stick with one! This is just an examination essay. No one will accuse you of gender bias.

things that makes people happy are dependent to on age because for a children, a toy makes them happy; for teenagers a car makes them happy.. -- the part in red is erroneous. I couldn't come up with a good suggestion. Revise it, and read it out loud to yourself.


Okay, here you are repeating yourself. Read the first line of the essay.
Always make it a point to leave at least five minutes for revision. It'll help weed out these things.


...awkwardly constructed sentence. Be careful while using metaphors. You won't get any marks for your creativity if you mess up the grammar.

I think these are enough corrections for one day.

Undergraduate / statement of purpose for Master's programme in electronics and communication eng. [3]

As aAt high school,student we had...

I attendedappeared for the entrance exam and by ranking...

Khaje Nasir Al-din Industrial University of Tehran which is one of the Iranian's top engineering universities.

Bachelor's -- it's Bachelor. No need for the apostrophe.


Don't list all the courses. They're already in the transcript. Instead, mention a few of your favorites followed by why you like them.


Instead of listing these, select two or three, and specifically say what you learned. "I achieved a practical knowledge" is not specific enough.

The perspective I have drawn in my mind is to achieve analytic supervision -- I think you meant "superiority"

Undergraduate / Texas Tech Admission: My father, Someone who has made an impact on your life. [3]

He has shown me by example how...


Don't list things in this way. You have done it more than once. There are better ways of expression.

In a world where a positive male role model is often times missing in a young man's life

I like your concluding sentence.

Writing Feedback / Essay: The Essential Characteristics of a Good Parent [3]


Looks like a misplaced comma. IMO it should be: and of course, courage.


This is just a repetition of the quote.


Spell out 10 and 14. Always spell out numbers below a hundred.


This sentence is not necessary. The first sentence of the para already did that.



Would you like it this way -- However, I was completely honest with my niece.



Don't capitalize "aunt" unless it comes before a name.

Undergraduate / 'Preaching my first sermon' - An attempt to jumpstart NCSSM essays [5]

Prompt 1


It seems a bit too rhetorical...almost sounding pompous.


This one comes unexpectedly. There is nothing in the previous lines to substantiate your claims of your qualities.


This is not the proper way to write. First of all, you don't know the other applicants, so how do you know that they lack passion? Secondly, how can you just say that you are passionate? Anyone, can do that, and will that set you apart? So, show the AOs with the help of an anecdote or something, that you really are passionate.

Prompt 2
Add a bit more how your mother's illness affected you, and cut some from the part about ten-year olds.

Prompt 3


I didn't understand the purpose of these sentences.

This is a good essay. I like the way you used the Einstein quote.
The concluding sentence needs some work -- spirit of unity is not very memorable.

Prompt 4


Chlorine. Chloride is used only after the formation of product or in case of ions. -- this is not an important advice. Sometimes I just get carried away if I see something related to chemistry. :)

Rather than saying you're ABC, why don't you briefly describe some experiences? The readers can then determine your personality themselves. The added benefit is. that it would sound like the truth.

Essays / Essay On Advertisement, Merits & demerits [4]

Google the following:
Impact of advertisements on children -- for demerits.
Impact of advertisements on a business -- for merits.

That should give you enough material to write five essays.

Undergraduate / "The Metamorphosis," "Antidisestablishmentarianism"-Unsettling novel-Favorite Word [12]


I don't think so. I believe an AO is supposed to know everything.


Yeah I like that one too. But my personal favorite is "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times".


The first one should do.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt - How my world has shaped my dreams and aspirations - "hologram" [5]

Hi Marley!

I've got to say that you write really well.

Now, why have you used...umm...what do I say...a poetic tone in this essay? (I'm not sure if I expressed it correctly). I thought your essay is full of some vague examples. I'll point out a few.




Although, this is a really good piece of writing, I'm not sure how effective it will be for an admission purpose.

Undergraduate / "The Metamorphosis," "Antidisestablishmentarianism"-Unsettling novel-Favorite Word [12]

Well,

I didn't understand much of the first essay, but that maybe because I have not read that book. So I won't comment on that one.


Umm...this part seemed like a repetition.


Hey!! It captures the heart of others like me too :P ... hahaha...

This is so cool! You took that discussion and wrote an essay on it. Way to go!!

Undergraduate / "Speech and Debate activity" - UF Admissions Essay-Meaningful Event [13]

I agree with what Kevin says. Tinker with your essay too much, and your originality is lost. Your first draft was funnier, hence, it was more memorable. I'm not saying this one has any problem. This is in fact, a better one for the purpose it is required. What I'm saying is, the reader should be able to connect with the author. An essay which has too many inputs may leave the reader searching for the inspiration behind the piece.

Letters / recommendation letter for a job offer in the field of architecture [8]

Hi brighita!

I can see than Maria has addressed most of your problems. I would like to add just one more thing...

Include a minor weakness of yours. Something which doesn't affect the application, but is present all the same. It will add a bit of authenticity to your letter. It should be something trivial, like you're an extrovert/introvert. Then try to make it sound like you have gotten over that weakness; that you're a better person now.

The HR people (or AO, if you're applying for admission) often get suspicious of letters which only talk about the positive aspects of a candidate.

But before you take this advice, please consult with others.

Graduate / Letter of Motivation for MSc in Biomedical Engineering at TU Delft [5]

Thanks brighita!

I can see what you are trying to say. But I forgot to ask something else. Do I need to include my background, like my internships, research experience...stuff like that, or should I stick to the prompt?

The last aspect of the prompt seems a bit weird. I mean, who asks for full workload? Can't they take a look at my transcript? Anyway, is it necessary to elaborate the courses I've taken, or should I just list them (In any case, there is hardly any room for elaboration.)?

Finally, if I follow the given order, won't the last part of the essay look a bit disjointed from the rest?

Undergraduate / "Speech and Debate activity" - UF Admissions Essay-Meaningful Event [13]

Let's talk about this essay first.


Here the word typical confused me slightly. If this was your first time, how can it be typical? Are you talking about something else?


This is a long and convoluted sentence. I had to read it very carefully to stay on track.

I think the "reflection" part is pretty short. Maybe, you can cut something from the second paragraph -- things like facial expressions & stuff. Don't overdo it though. I enjoyed that section.

I like this theme, but you can give the other one a try. That one may offer you more room to address the other things the prompt asks.

Undergraduate / "My mother has made an impact in your life" TAMU Admission Essay [4]

Hi Tobi

Your essay is too lengthy. You have repeated some points, and also included unnecessary sentences.


You told something like this in the first paragraph.


Look out for this remark. I think I saw it more than once, although the words were different.

Your third paragraph is a bit confusing.


Come on!! This is your admissions essay! Don't say things like that!


Another repetition.

Revise your essay, and cut out the additional stuff.

Oh...one more thing. If you post a revision, please add one space after each para.

Faq, Help / Question about becoming an EF Contributor [13]


That's a significant observation -- active reading.

I remember that whenever I read some unfamiliar stuff, I had difficulties with comprehension. I still have them, but now at least I can identify the salient features. That's because now when I read, I look for inconsistencies in the text, which in turn help me to concentrate better and for a longer period. Even if the text has no flaws, the prolonged focus improves my understanding.

Thus EF's benefits are two-fold.

Undergraduate / Mosaic: UC Application Essay #1 [10]

Hello Stephen

While reading your essay, I felt that your essay is composed of two different parts.
1) Your geographically diverse background.
2) An experience which shaped you as a person.

Now, don't get me wrong. This is all fine if you can hold on to a single theme. Your fourth paragraph, however, seemed a bit wayward.


Well, this part was a bit sudden for me too. I could not deduce how your perspective changed. It seemed like an attempt to follow the first part of the essay, but one which was somewhat abrupt. It would be better if you elaborate it slightly.

Your conclusion needs some work too. The "...touch the hearts..." sentence is not very memorable.

I like your style of writing. It's simple and easily understandable.

Hope I helped :)

Undergraduate / I am not exclusively Caucasian or Black ; My diverse lifestyle and culture [7]


I was slightly confused by this sentence. It would be better if you can write a clearer version.


"only" and "several" don't sound compatible...maybe, it can be like this -- only been seated for a few minutes

I also thought, the second paragraph could start with a better transition.


-- This is an outdated term. Don't use it.

This is a good essay...very interesting concept.

Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [413]


There are some deep cultural differences between India and mostly, the western countries. Sometimes these differences can be overwhelming.

Gender inequality is a big problem here. Except in urban areas, women don't enjoy an equal stature with men; and most Indians live in villages. But over the last 10-15 years, things have improved.

Research Papers / sustained silent reading (SSR) - research synthesis/summary [4]

Hi Callie!


That's really sad. I hope you are better now.





The phrase "reading levels" is not very specific. At least, in my opinion.


Callie, I have to be honest with you. Before reading this I did not have any idea about different teaching methods, SSR, etc. This is not my field of expertise, but still I understood quite a bit. That should mean that you have done a good job, right?

Good luck! I hope you get a good score..

Undergraduate / Ms. Lee - "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you" [14]


Queen, definitely.
Queen : Knight :: Empress : I don't know


haha...if you love it so much, then of course, you can keep it.

Undergraduate / Why I Want to Study Abroad in Argentina Essay [4]


Maximum potential? How?

Overall, a nicely written essay.

Writing Feedback / GRE Essay:- "Laws should not be rigid or fixed. Instead, they should be flexible [6]


I agree that it's not necessary to always argue in favor or against the issue, but what I meant was that your stand should be clear from the beginning. The reader should know that you are sitting on the fence.


You're absolutely right. Learning proper grammar is a time consuming process. I pointed out that fact because most of your writing is fine. It's just that those mistakes sometimes distort the meaning.


Ok I'll point out a few.

And, as we human beings
there will be contradictions and clashes for using
Keeping the basic purpose of thea law in mind, the basic assumption made by abovementionedaforementioned phrases seems to be true that a law should be flexible enough to take into account various circumstances, times, and places.

Can you see where you are going wrong? You have got most of the complicated stuff sorted out; you just need to avoid those silly mistakes. It's like you've derived a formula to solve a really difficult mathematical problem, but finally made a mistake while performing an addition or subtraction.

Work on these. They won't take a lot of time.

Undergraduate / Ms. Lee - "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you" [14]

A typo here -- social hierarchy reigned God-played by Ms. Lee
By the way, why did you replace queen with empress?


Seems fine to me.


Well, it is long, but I understood it. Anyway, I'm not qualified to talk about those things... yet.


Hmm...let's see...you use the word "change", but follow it up with "had a clear understanding" -- somehow this doesn't seem right. Don't you think it should be something like -- the greatest impression on me...

I'm not sure if I'm making myself clear. A change is something like -- you heard about Jack and thought him to be really handsome, but he turned out to be a gorilla. Whereas, in your case, you already knew he was a gorilla, it's just that he turned out to be a bigger one....Do you get my point? Am I being too vague?


Do you really need these lines?


I don't think you need that word.


Writing this way only shows that you can write well, but here you need to be concise and direct. So, cut down the flowery stuff. You can write a much shorter sentence.

I can't really comment on the last two questions :(

Writing Feedback / GRE Essay:- "Laws should not be rigid or fixed. Instead, they should be flexible [6]

Hello Rajesh

I could not find out what your stance on this issue is, even after reading it twice.

First of all, I did not fully understand what you meant by "long time scale" and "short time scale". Laws are not like business plans, where you can make a projection of future. Businesses generally follow set mathematical rules, but laws don't.


That was a good example you gave, but then your next example is a contradictory one. Why?

Moreover, when you list the subsequent examples, you are taking them on a case-to-case basis, and thus contracting your original premise.


This is an assertion which has no basis. You shouldn't have introduced it in the concluding paragraph as you cannot substantiate it here.

Rajesh, I think your main problem is your grammar. Maybe, that's why your sentences are unclear. You have made some basic mistakes... Learn the usage of singular and plural nouns, and also articles (a, an, the).

I think you know a lot. You just need to express yourself properly. :)

Good luck!

Grammar, Usage / Tips on writing more effectively (visit the link) [8]

Hey Mustafa

I read the other article you wrote -- "the art of taking multiple choice tests". I was impressed by the techniques you demonstrated to find out the correct answer. I believe they will work very well on subjects like economics, but I'm not sure about their effectiveness on science subjects.

I have taken more multiple choice tests in scientific subjects than I can remember, and the answer choices in most of them were usually numbers or single-word terms. I found that a lack of thorough knowledge of the topics included in the exam often led to mistakes.

Anyway, I don't visit hubpages, so I don't know to whom that article was intended. If it was a general one, I think the title could be changed slightly. Maybe, to "The art of taking multiple choice tests in _______".

Book Reports / Thousand Spledid Suns - Provoking Essay topic suggestions? [22]

Gender oppression is the investment in industry that shuns agriculture. -- Does that sound nonsensical?...umm...well I tried anyway.

Undergraduate / UCF Admission Essay...[What qualities do I possess...] [14]

You know what Shinelle? I admire people who take criticisms in their stride, and you are one of them. The fact that you have taken every criticism in a constructive way shows your strength of character, and in a way, epitomizes what you are trying to say in that essay.

Anyway, I think this one is a very good draft. Your essay follows a single, clear theme. You substantiate your claims properly. The following errors caught my eye :

today's society who dresses according to what

Marching to the beat of my own drum has always came with adversities -- this does not sound right. How about -- has always led me to face adversities


Do not use contractions in college essays.

Student Talk / Do colleges know about EssayForum? [39]

Oh, yeah. I can see the connection.

Student Talk / Do colleges know about EssayForum? [39]

Hmm...I can see the layers of the cake you love so much.

I thought that a "disestablishmentarian" is someone who opposes any established order. So that would make an "antidis..blah blah" someone who is against the other someone. You're right it becomes too complicated. Your interpretation is better.


My subconscious won't be allowed to think that way if I was sitting in the front row listening to that gentleman of yours. I'd be more focused on things like windshield wipers.

Student Talk / Do colleges know about EssayForum? [39]


What the hell is that thing? I just thought you were trying to be funny, which you are by the way.
:)

Dissertations / I need suggestions for phd topics in software engineering [18]

Hello Kamalakar! Welcome to Essay Forum!

Can I ask you a question? Why do you want to pursue research on some topic suggested by another person? I'll make myself clear with the following example.

Let's say that I suggest you three topics A, B, and C. Now I suggested these topics because I like them. So what you will do next is choose one from these, and you'll convince yourself that it is a topic that you like. Do you see the problem? All along you have been following my interests while thinking they are your own. After sometime, say a year or so, you'll start to have doubts over your selection and you won't enjoy your research. That means a miserable life, or at worst, failure to get a PhD.

My suggestion is -- use the internet! Visit various university pages; they usually have detailed information about the current PhD topics. Check them out and read some journals. Go to websites like sciencedirect.com and type in "software engineering". Take some time to choose your topic -- at least, a couple of months. When you get three or four topics which interest you, then you ask someone to help you choose one.

I'm sorry if I sounded harsh, but I was just being honest with you. This forum is for research help, but in my opinion, no one can help you unless you have a plan. Go, make one!

Book Reports / Thousand Spledid Suns - Provoking Essay topic suggestions? [22]


Wow! I can see why YOU are the moderator (read expert). That is some metaphor.


It's Hosseini

Undergraduate / "Unforgettable Golf Game" - UF Prompt [8]

Hi Jisun!


I've read somewhere that in formal writing, the numbers less than hundred should always be spelt out.


I'm not really sure about this, but isn't the exclamation mark in the wrong place?

It's an intriguing essay. I liked the way you expressed the lessons learned from that experience.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / Outline reasons for choosing the Fashion Institute for Design and Merchandising [3]

Hello!

Like Maria said, your perspective is definitely interesting, but I did not like the analogy you used. I thought it was a pretty abrupt transition from love for a person to an institution. It would be better if you use a different example, one that has the same theme, but is more direct.

Furthermore, I'm not convinced with your other reasons.


Most of the schools have similar agendas.


What are your goals? Say something specific.

Faq, Help / Question about becoming an EF Contributor [13]

Good point.