Writing Feedback / GRE Essay:- "Laws should not be rigid or fixed. Instead, they should be flexible [6]


I agree that it's not necessary to always argue in favor or against the issue, but what I meant was that your stand should be clear from the beginning. The reader should know that you are sitting on the fence.


You're absolutely right. Learning proper grammar is a time consuming process. I pointed out that fact because most of your writing is fine. It's just that those mistakes sometimes distort the meaning.


Ok I'll point out a few.

And, as we human beings
there will be contradictions and clashes for using
Keeping the basic purpose of thea law in mind, the basic assumption made by abovementionedaforementioned phrases seems to be true that a law should be flexible enough to take into account various circumstances, times, and places.

Can you see where you are going wrong? You have got most of the complicated stuff sorted out; you just need to avoid those silly mistakes. It's like you've derived a formula to solve a really difficult mathematical problem, but finally made a mistake while performing an addition or subtraction.

Work on these. They won't take a lot of time.

Undergraduate / Why I Want to Study Abroad in Argentina Essay [4]


Maximum potential? How?

Overall, a nicely written essay.

Undergraduate / Ms. Lee - "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you" [14]


Queen, definitely.
Queen : Knight :: Empress : I don't know


haha...if you love it so much, then of course, you can keep it.

Research Papers / sustained silent reading (SSR) - research synthesis/summary [4]

Hi Callie!


That's really sad. I hope you are better now.





The phrase "reading levels" is not very specific. At least, in my opinion.


Callie, I have to be honest with you. Before reading this I did not have any idea about different teaching methods, SSR, etc. This is not my field of expertise, but still I understood quite a bit. That should mean that you have done a good job, right?

Good luck! I hope you get a good score..

Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [413]


There are some deep cultural differences between India and mostly, the western countries. Sometimes these differences can be overwhelming.

Gender inequality is a big problem here. Except in urban areas, women don't enjoy an equal stature with men; and most Indians live in villages. But over the last 10-15 years, things have improved.

Undergraduate / I am not exclusively Caucasian or Black ; My diverse lifestyle and culture [7]


I was slightly confused by this sentence. It would be better if you can write a clearer version.


"only" and "several" don't sound compatible...maybe, it can be like this -- only been seated for a few minutes

I also thought, the second paragraph could start with a better transition.


-- This is an outdated term. Don't use it.

This is a good essay...very interesting concept.

Undergraduate / Mosaic: UC Application Essay #1 [10]

Hello Stephen

While reading your essay, I felt that your essay is composed of two different parts.
1) Your geographically diverse background.
2) An experience which shaped you as a person.

Now, don't get me wrong. This is all fine if you can hold on to a single theme. Your fourth paragraph, however, seemed a bit wayward.


Well, this part was a bit sudden for me too. I could not deduce how your perspective changed. It seemed like an attempt to follow the first part of the essay, but one which was somewhat abrupt. It would be better if you elaborate it slightly.

Your conclusion needs some work too. The "...touch the hearts..." sentence is not very memorable.

I like your style of writing. It's simple and easily understandable.

Hope I helped :)

Faq, Help / Question about becoming an EF Contributor [13]


That's a significant observation -- active reading.

I remember that whenever I read some unfamiliar stuff, I had difficulties with comprehension. I still have them, but now at least I can identify the salient features. That's because now when I read, I look for inconsistencies in the text, which in turn help me to concentrate better and for a longer period. Even if the text has no flaws, the prolonged focus improves my understanding.

Thus EF's benefits are two-fold.

Undergraduate / "My mother has made an impact in your life" TAMU Admission Essay [4]

Hi Tobi

Your essay is too lengthy. You have repeated some points, and also included unnecessary sentences.


You told something like this in the first paragraph.


Look out for this remark. I think I saw it more than once, although the words were different.

Your third paragraph is a bit confusing.


Come on!! This is your admissions essay! Don't say things like that!


Another repetition.

Revise your essay, and cut out the additional stuff.

Oh...one more thing. If you post a revision, please add one space after each para.

Undergraduate / "Speech and Debate activity" - UF Admissions Essay-Meaningful Event [13]

Let's talk about this essay first.


Here the word typical confused me slightly. If this was your first time, how can it be typical? Are you talking about something else?


This is a long and convoluted sentence. I had to read it very carefully to stay on track.

I think the "reflection" part is pretty short. Maybe, you can cut something from the second paragraph -- things like facial expressions & stuff. Don't overdo it though. I enjoyed that section.

I like this theme, but you can give the other one a try. That one may offer you more room to address the other things the prompt asks.

Graduate / Letter of Motivation for MSc in Biomedical Engineering at TU Delft [5]

Thanks brighita!

I can see what you are trying to say. But I forgot to ask something else. Do I need to include my background, like my internships, research experience...stuff like that, or should I stick to the prompt?

The last aspect of the prompt seems a bit weird. I mean, who asks for full workload? Can't they take a look at my transcript? Anyway, is it necessary to elaborate the courses I've taken, or should I just list them (In any case, there is hardly any room for elaboration.)?

Finally, if I follow the given order, won't the last part of the essay look a bit disjointed from the rest?

Letters / recommendation letter for a job offer in the field of architecture [8]

Hi brighita!

I can see than Maria has addressed most of your problems. I would like to add just one more thing...

Include a minor weakness of yours. Something which doesn't affect the application, but is present all the same. It will add a bit of authenticity to your letter. It should be something trivial, like you're an extrovert/introvert. Then try to make it sound like you have gotten over that weakness; that you're a better person now.

The HR people (or AO, if you're applying for admission) often get suspicious of letters which only talk about the positive aspects of a candidate.

But before you take this advice, please consult with others.

Undergraduate / "Speech and Debate activity" - UF Admissions Essay-Meaningful Event [13]

I agree with what Kevin says. Tinker with your essay too much, and your originality is lost. Your first draft was funnier, hence, it was more memorable. I'm not saying this one has any problem. This is in fact, a better one for the purpose it is required. What I'm saying is, the reader should be able to connect with the author. An essay which has too many inputs may leave the reader searching for the inspiration behind the piece.

Undergraduate / "The Metamorphosis," "Antidisestablishmentarianism"-Unsettling novel-Favorite Word [12]

Well,

I didn't understand much of the first essay, but that maybe because I have not read that book. So I won't comment on that one.


Umm...this part seemed like a repetition.


Hey!! It captures the heart of others like me too :P ... hahaha...

This is so cool! You took that discussion and wrote an essay on it. Way to go!!

Undergraduate / UC Prompt - How my world has shaped my dreams and aspirations - "hologram" [5]

Hi Marley!

I've got to say that you write really well.

Now, why have you used...umm...what do I say...a poetic tone in this essay? (I'm not sure if I expressed it correctly). I thought your essay is full of some vague examples. I'll point out a few.




Although, this is a really good piece of writing, I'm not sure how effective it will be for an admission purpose.

Undergraduate / "The Metamorphosis," "Antidisestablishmentarianism"-Unsettling novel-Favorite Word [12]


I don't think so. I believe an AO is supposed to know everything.


Yeah I like that one too. But my personal favorite is "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times".


The first one should do.

Essays / Essay On Advertisement, Merits & demerits [4]

Google the following:
Impact of advertisements on children -- for demerits.
Impact of advertisements on a business -- for merits.

That should give you enough material to write five essays.

Undergraduate / 'Preaching my first sermon' - An attempt to jumpstart NCSSM essays [5]

Prompt 1


It seems a bit too rhetorical...almost sounding pompous.


This one comes unexpectedly. There is nothing in the previous lines to substantiate your claims of your qualities.


This is not the proper way to write. First of all, you don't know the other applicants, so how do you know that they lack passion? Secondly, how can you just say that you are passionate? Anyone, can do that, and will that set you apart? So, show the AOs with the help of an anecdote or something, that you really are passionate.

Prompt 2
Add a bit more how your mother's illness affected you, and cut some from the part about ten-year olds.

Prompt 3


I didn't understand the purpose of these sentences.

This is a good essay. I like the way you used the Einstein quote.
The concluding sentence needs some work -- spirit of unity is not very memorable.

Prompt 4


Chlorine. Chloride is used only after the formation of product or in case of ions. -- this is not an important advice. Sometimes I just get carried away if I see something related to chemistry. :)

Rather than saying you're ABC, why don't you briefly describe some experiences? The readers can then determine your personality themselves. The added benefit is. that it would sound like the truth.

Writing Feedback / Essay: The Essential Characteristics of a Good Parent [3]


Looks like a misplaced comma. IMO it should be: and of course, courage.


This is just a repetition of the quote.


Spell out 10 and 14. Always spell out numbers below a hundred.


This sentence is not necessary. The first sentence of the para already did that.



Would you like it this way -- However, I was completely honest with my niece.



Don't capitalize "aunt" unless it comes before a name.

Undergraduate / Texas Tech Admission: My father, Someone who has made an impact on your life. [3]

He has shown me by example how...


Don't list things in this way. You have done it more than once. There are better ways of expression.

In a world where a positive male role model is often times missing in a young man's life

I like your concluding sentence.

Undergraduate / statement of purpose for Master's programme in electronics and communication eng. [3]

As aAt high school,student we had...

I attendedappeared for the entrance exam and by ranking...

Khaje Nasir Al-din Industrial University of Tehran which is one of the Iranian's top engineering universities.

Bachelor's -- it's Bachelor. No need for the apostrophe.


Don't list all the courses. They're already in the transcript. Instead, mention a few of your favorites followed by why you like them.


Instead of listing these, select two or three, and specifically say what you learned. "I achieved a practical knowledge" is not specific enough.

The perspective I have drawn in my mind is to achieve analytic supervision -- I think you meant "superiority"

Writing Feedback / 'thank to god not being sick' IELTS - What factors are important in achieving happiness? [3]

For thea human being -- use the indefinite article "the" only when you are referring to a particular person or thing.

expectations from their lifelives and...

Don't use too many "he or she". Stick with one! This is just an examination essay. No one will accuse you of gender bias.

things that makes people happy are dependent to on age because for a children, a toy makes them happy; for teenagers a car makes them happy.. -- the part in red is erroneous. I couldn't come up with a good suggestion. Revise it, and read it out loud to yourself.


Okay, here you are repeating yourself. Read the first line of the essay.
Always make it a point to leave at least five minutes for revision. It'll help weed out these things.


...awkwardly constructed sentence. Be careful while using metaphors. You won't get any marks for your creativity if you mess up the grammar.

I think these are enough corrections for one day.

Undergraduate / Knowing oneself, is the beginning of all wisdom - the purest reflection of me in a mirror [9]


This is a long sentence. Maybe, you can break it into two parts. The first ending at "classroom", and the second starting like, "However, it can only..."

Do you really need the second paragraph? It looks pretty by itself, but I doubt whether it adds anything to the essay. You could have said all that in one sentence and used it to start the third paragraph.

You write well. The usage of short paragraphs makes it easy on the eye.

Undergraduate / "The Metamorphosis," "Antidisestablishmentarianism"-Unsettling novel-Favorite Word [12]


Word foms
Singular : Vermin
Plural : Vermin

[Source: macmillandictionary.com/dictionary/british/vermin]

Undergraduate / "My aspiration to be a registered nurse" - Nursing Personal Statement [4]

With limited professional training , toys and fairytales became my healing tools. -- Would you like to replace that word with "experience"?

In working with the nurses at Child Life, I have come to appreciate the flexibility ...


Cut these out. The first one is unnecessary, while the second one is a weak sentence.

As an aspiring nurse, I seek a nursing program that offers a challenging and comprehensive...


Again, not needed.

This is a good essay. I like the way you started -- it's unique. The organization of the essay is also nice.

Undergraduate / 'Preaching my first sermon' - An attempt to jumpstart NCSSM essays [5]


It is, when you name the final product, i.e. salt. Whereas in your case, you are talking about the ingredients, or the separate elements which occur before the reaction. Therefore, it should be Chlorine.

Research Papers / Technological Advances are good for people's jobs. Do you agree? [3]

Did you try to find anything on the internet?

Google this: Impact of technology on jobs.

I found the following links which you might find useful.

hbswk.hbs.edu/archive/4240.html
ourcivilisation.com/signs/chap7.htm
ftp. jrc.es/pub/EURdoc/eur20131en.pdf

Undergraduate / "our democracy", Common Application Essay - Responding to a quote [5]

First of all, I'll give you a personal opinion. I don't like essays which start with rhetorical questions. I think it is a very cheap way of attracting attention.

The first sentence of the second paragraph seems a bit disjointed from the rest.


I like this sentence.

Undergraduate / Something about me that will help my roommate know me better [11]

afflicted by loneliness -- I'm not sure about this, but I think it should be "with".

cursed me with paranoia -- this is a very strong word. Are you really implying this, or did you just choose it for the effect?


"Trustworthy" seems redundant here. Friends are supposed to be trustworthy, otherwise they are not friends. I think I understand why you used it though. If you want to keep it, you may include the word in quotes, like this -- new "trustworthy" friends.

This is a good essay. You write well.

One more thing -- I have seen a lot of people who are not friends with their roommates. So what would you do if your roommate is an extreme introvert and doesn't like friends?

^^ This is not important. Just some additional food for thought.

Undergraduate / 'holding the title of alchemist, troubadour or even a shaman' - SAIC Artist Statement [6]

I didn't understand your question. Do you want to know what is the approximate word limit of an SOP for SAIC?

Well, usually SOPs tend to be around 1-2 pages in length, or 500 - 1000 words.

In my opinion, you should contact the school before you take anyone's advice. If you search their website properly, you'll probably find the contact details of the admissions coordinators or others in similar positions. Call or email them, and specifically ask these things.

Undergraduate / "I am determined that I can make a difference" - 2010 UCF ESSAY [4]

I think you need a semi-colon here
...Future Business Leaders of America; this allowed me to move on to the Florida State Leadership...

As an individual , I believe it is extremely important...


I would not include this part. There is no need for an assertion here.


This is a confusing sentence. Are you talking about the clubs, or your whole academic experience?

I think you can work on your third paragraph. Try to make it sound more like an essay and not like a CV. Concentrate more on what you learned and less on what you did.

You do sound like an extremely qualified candidate. Good luck!!

Undergraduate / "Speech and Debate activity" - UF Admissions Essay-Meaningful Event [13]

If you have time then write a new one. I've never written undergrad application essays, but from my experience of writing to grad school, I can say that every school is different in its own way. Consequently, they look for students who are fit for their environment. Hence, each essay must be tailored to fit the school.

If you have time, that is :)

Undergraduate / You must always face the curtain with a bow-Theatre and it's effect on me. [4]

the girl in front of me
Wow! I loved that intro!

a lot of courage to performing onstage

This is an excellent essay! The only part where I think you digress slightly is the second paragraph -- the part where you talk about how you all got together.

Undergraduate / "Speech and Debate activity" - UF Admissions Essay-Meaningful Event [13]


Oh, I see. As I've implied before, I don't know much about undergrad stuff.

I have written one essay for the Rhodes Scholarship. It's "slightly" similar to Questbridge as its purpose is to select students for admission to Oxford. While writing it I tried very hard to not make it sound exactly like my SOP. So I researched a lot about the scholarship, and wrote it in a way which brings out my those qualities which they look for in a student. In other words, I tried to "tailor it to fit the scholarship".

Does that help?


I know what you mean. I'm in the same situation. I'm thinking about applying to universities of at least three different countries. So that makes my university count quite large.

I find grad school essays easier though. At least, they don't carry annoyingly vague prompts.

Writing Feedback / leader you think is important [9]

I can't help it this time.
Vaishali, why do you always misspell Kevin's name?

Graduate / working as a Games Programer - SOp for MSc [3]

I'm totally confused. What course do you intend to pursue, MSc Games Designing or Fine Arts?

In either case, first you need to make lists of your goals, achievements, and experiences. This list should be exhaustive. You can include even the most trivial details. Don't think anything is unimportant.

The next step is to carefully select only those aspects from these lists which will be relevant to your application. It's a bit like writing a resume for a particular job, which you probably know as you've been working. Then think of a theme, something you want anyone who reads your essay to remember.

Oh, I forgot. You also need to thoroughly research the university and the department you are applying. This will give you an idea of what types of students the university wants.

After all this boring stuff comes the writing part.

Start with why you are interested in the field you have chosen to pursue.

Oops, I have to go. Why don't you take a look at some of the SOPs in this forum? They'll give you the general picture of what an SOP should look like.

Undergraduate / "to unite my passions" - What makes Stanford perfect for me? [29]

Hmm...I got the feeling that your research was not thorough enough.

You use the first two paragraphs making the same point, i.e. you want a place to combine both your passions. So you don't really talk about Stanford until the last paragraph.

Here you use weak phrases like "friendly environment" and "grand aspiration".

I would suggest you to include something that only Stanford students know, and not something you can easily find out on the web. Did you contact any current or ex-students?

I guess I'm being a bit harsh, but that's only because you write so well. You can definitely do a lot better.

Good luck!!

Undergraduate / "to unite my passions" - What makes Stanford perfect for me? [29]


Yes, that's a good point. I didn't think about that one.
Eugene, your prompt is very much like the ones they give for grad school admissions. Read some grad school essays. Those applicants generally need to mention very specific reasons for attending a particular university. That should give you some hint on how you can answer the question you mentioned.

Graduate / I am confident that, if admitted, I will be an asset to the class of 2012 - ISB essay [3]


Don't start essays with assertions. Build your arguments such that you make the readers conclude themselves that you will be an asset.


Like what? Mention a few.


This is a vague phrase. Be specific!


Don't leave the reader guessing. Elaborate a bit.

Okay, you seem to be a good writer. I couldn't spot any grammatical errors. But you need to work on the aforementioned points. You made a lot of claims and left most of them unsubstantiated. You also need to work on the organization of the essay. Those one line paragraphs don't look nice.