Undergraduate / "the beauty of the universe" - my first college admission essay [3]


When I read this, I feel that it has a negative connotation. Instead, may I suggest:
When listening to music, I was oblivious to people around me.


This sounds a little awkward, especially at the end. Are you trying to say:
"I felt as if I was in a completely different world, a tranquil one that I could easily identify with."


Sounds more dramatic to me ^^


Here, to me, "but" more fully neutralizes the suspense built up by the word "not."


Whoa! This is an incomplete sentence. Be sure to fix this:
"The stars glistened like shiny diamonds scattered all throughout the dark sky, illuminating the dimness and bringing forth radiance."



It seems unnecessary here...


I'm confused by that part... Could you explain what you mean?


I don't know... to me, it seems a little awkward. Ignore what? :/



I'm a little troubled by this statement. What do you mean by "ultimate truth"?

Undergraduate / Common Application Short Answer Editing "Describe an experience" [13]

Thanks for you compliments :]

Undergraduate / Change in academics- a responsibility I'm willing to take and conquer. [5]


Don't overdo your commas. It can convolute your sentence and sometimes give your sentence a different meaning.



You seem to have trouble with commas. Remember, if your listing only two things, don't pull out the commas. Only use them when you're listing more than two things. Also, if you're combining two sentences with a conjuction, you need a comma before the "and" or the "but", etc.

Book Reports / Huckleberry Finn Symbolism Essay [7]

Having a theme is not only crucial, but will also make the essay much easier to read and write. A thesis of "Huck Finn has many symbols," to be frank, is not very interesting. Instead, you can incorporate these symbols with an overall, more specific message. You are still discussing the symbols and their representations; you are just going further by using them to support your thesis. Do you get what I'm saying?

Undergraduate / "the recollection of our time together" - stanford supplement roomate essay [10]


Add to comma for the pause between the phrases.


Where does the quote begin? Just a slight error :]


Again, use the commas.


You seem to make a habit of not using commas. When you begin with a description of the subject and then immediately talk about the subject, you need a comma to separate the two phrases so that the sentence doesn't run on.



I believe that, here, you are misusing the hyphen. Generally, you use the hyphen to add a usually digressing thought to the sentence. For example:

I'm going to pack sandwiches for the picnic - Oh! It's raining!
Something like that.

Overall, the essay is nice. (Does it have to be a letter? I don't believe that Stanford required a "letter" for this year. For me, I just wrote an essay. :/ ) However, I think you should add transitions between each paragraph. The essay seems to jump around with different thoughts. I would suggest sticking to one special personality and elaborating on it.

Undergraduate / "Scientist In Action" -- UIUC Academic Essay [3]


I strongly suggest spending a little more time on this. The last thing you could want is getting reject from a backup because you didn't put enough effort into its application.


Who is here referring to? The wording here is a little awkward too. I suggest splitting the sentence up into two.


Maybe a typo? If it is, disregard the first question on the second note above. :]



You don't need commas here since you're describing with the object immediately with the words "with" and "that."

One more suggestion: Try to add smoother transitions between the paragraphs. It is a bit jumpy to me.

Undergraduate / "to unite my passions" - What makes Stanford perfect for me? [29]

Yeah. I know that, so I revised the essay completely. The thing is, I don't want to travel very far either (hence the nearby campus), so I looked into Stanford.

Undergraduate / UC prompt1: describe your world and how it shaped your aspirations... [14]

Thanks for the compliments and advice! I'm still working on this essay. I'll update the version soon.

Undergraduate / Listening to classical music: something I do for the pleasure of it (short answer) [12]


Yeah... -.-. I tried to save myself some work by taking this from a different essay and adapting it... in the end I'm doing more. Sigh...

Undergraduate / "the recollection of our time together" - stanford supplement roomate essay [10]

Huh? I thought the prompt read:
"Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. What would you want your future roommate to know about you? Tell us something about you that will help your roommate-and us-know you better." - I got this from the Stanford Website:

Undergraduate / Listening to classical music: something I do for the pleasure of it (short answer) [12]


Thanks for the suggestion. I changed it a little bit to accommodate the word limit:
"Classical music so intensely moves and inspires me that I regard it as the ultimate form of indulgence."


I looked at your other threads and saw that you are also applying to Cornell and Princeton. A LOT of competition :]

Undergraduate / An obstinate learner, Personal quality/Experience that is important to you. [9]

Ok. Thanks for the information. I actually never knew that it was a common mistake to use the reflexive pronouns that way. :) New things every day!

Undergraduate / "to unite my passions" - What makes Stanford perfect for me? [29]


Well... technically, it isn't a run-on. I purposely made this sentence longer than the next one to build up suspense. The next, shorter one would release it all... Maybe it's not working -.-

Undergraduate / Listening to classical music: something I do for the pleasure of it (short answer) [12]

Here is a new version. I tried to follow much of the advice given above. Thanks to everyone who has helped me!

My throat clicked as I watched the bow dolefully stroke the rosined hair; my eyes glimmered with nostalgic tears as my ears absorbed the violin's tender melodies. As I was whisked away to my rural childhood, my chair transformed into a lonely stone in the midst of lush pastures. As the dulcet tones subsided, I calmly reminisced my past and forgot the present. In this world, I had no burdens or worries. Classical music so intensely inspires and relaxes me that I regard it as the ultimate form of indulgence.

Undergraduate / "the recollection of our time together" - stanford supplement roomate essay [10]

Oh man! Well, as it is a note, it doesn't have to be a letter ... hopefully. -.-
I don't want to have to significantly change mine.

Undergraduate / Mae Jemison; historical figure influenced you and explain that influence [24]

Hey, Kevin. Do you think this essay suffices? I mean, compared to my other ones, I think this is one of my worse ones -.- Furthermore, this is the Common App essay? I was thinking about completely rewriting it. Could I get some advice? Thanks.

For now, I revised a few parts of the essay to try and improve it. I would be ever so grateful if anyone could comment and criticize it. Thanks!

Book Reports / How should i start... my essay on Romeo and Juliet? [3]


Don't be discouraged! :] Romeo and Juliet - *sigh... I remember those (rather boring) days! :)


I would say that the best way to go about this essay is to look specifically for facts and evidence in the story itself that will support that it was fate that caused their death. One example would be the plague - in the play, the plague forces the priest (was he called the priest?) to detour around the city to inform Romeo about the plan to elope him with Juliet. However, Romeo was hasty and unfortunately the priest could not deliver the message in time. That might be one example. You could find plenty more :]

Once you do this, try to write a killer introduction for your essay, with the thesis saying that Romeo and Juliet were indeed star-crossed lovers.

Undergraduate / Common Application Short Answer Editing "Describe an experience" [13]

Don't worry - I made sure to add my volunteer experience on my Common App. Volunteering does count as experience too :)

Undergraduate / Change in academics- a responsibility I'm willing to take and conquer. [5]

It's getting better.


This sentence is a bit long and convoluted. Try to split it up.


Here, the reader will know that you are talking about a class :]

You seem to talk about your teacher. To strengthen your essay, you should add a specific experience with him that will support your essay. Maybe, in one or two sentences, tell us a specific incident with you teacher that revolutionized your view of academics.

Undergraduate / Explanation on which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why [17]

Thanks to everyone who replied! Now I understand there prompt. Personally, I didn't like Stanford's version and didn't want to write another one of them -.-

Undergraduate / Mae Jemison; historical figure influenced you and explain that influence [24]


Wow. Now that you put it that way, I understand what you mean. :)


Thanks for the encouragement! I'll be sure to help (and, perhaps, inspire :) as many of the others I can.

Undergraduate / Listening to classical music: something I do for the pleasure of it (short answer) [12]


Yeah. I now see that. :] Thanks.


Hmm... Well, I'm not a violin player, so I wouldn't really know what to say. I just like watching or hearing people play the violin. I actually play the flute and piano.

Undergraduate / Mae Jemison; historical figure influenced you and explain that influence [24]


Oh - one thing though. I forgot to mention this earlier. I didn't look up to this person necessarily because she was an authority in the field I am pursuing (computer science and electrical engineering as opposed to aeronautics, etc). I idolized this person because of her virtues: intelligence, determination, philanthropy and because she showed that the successful scientist often demonstrates these values. So I was trying to generalize this observation from aeronautics to scientist, since the computer and electrical engineer is a scientist too. Do you know what I mean?...

Undergraduate / Stanford Supplements-Guinea Pig & Thought process essays. [6]


I also agree. I think rewording it would be better:
"At first I was slightly annoyed, but I began to enjoy the challenge."


I find that this conclusion is a little lacking in that you so suddenly introduce these specific research topics. I think you should try to add a sentence explaining why you chose these specific topics.

I see that you've also revised you're conclusion:
"On that day I learned a new way to think. Rather than seeking out an answer, I began investigating the many corridors and staircases infiltrating my mind. As a result, I unearthed small fossils of knowledge overlooked by my peers. After much thought I began to grasp that these overlooked clues can guide me to infinite discoveries. With this gift, I will to enter the laboratories of Stanford University on the mission to make great strides in stem cell research by examining the voyage from undifferentiated cell to specialized cell. During this inspection I'll be on the hunt for trace amounts of new data. Someday I will reveal the answer to this mystery, as long as I endlessly scour the passages of my brain, and always, always ask questions."

In my opinion, I like the original better. You just have to improve the transition into the research topics. This conclusion makes it sound like you are kind of straining to deliver your message. For example, I'm not sure what you are saying by "investigating the many corridors and staircases infiltrating my mind" and "fossils of knowledge overlooked by my peers."


I totally agree! :) I sometimes hate it too - how all my brothers reap the benefits from me.

Undergraduate / interest in and knowledge of solar energy: what you find intellectually engaging [4]


Nice beginning. :] At first, I thought you were talking to me... then I realized that I'm a guy. :)



Overall, the essay is ok... but I feel that you are just saying this... For example, you might add specific examples of your research experience and maybe explain how you plan on going about your endeavor.

Undergraduate / "a career in the science field" - Admission for Biology/Pharmacy [2]


I was at loss with words when I was trying to find the right word, but now I remembered! Such a simple one too -.-

Undergraduate / "I'm a salsa student" - Stanford supplement commonapp- Roommate note [4]


When I see this, I see many sentences crushed together. Don't be afraid to make shorter sentences! Sometimes, by dividing long sentences into shorter ones, ideas can flow much more smoothly.

So, here, I would rephrase the sentence:
"I love to meet people around the world; I'm member of a community world called CouchSurging.org, where I guide the travelers that visit our city. I've accommodated foreign people in my house, sharing foods, languages, cultures, and dances. Through the variety of people, I learned about their tastes; for example, people from Europe don't enjoy chocolate with cheese while my countrymen savor it as breakfast."

I took a few unnecessary ideas and words out. Remember to focus on your main idea.

Undergraduate / "dedicated to the arts" -A significant experience: New College Admission essay [4]

Hidden out of sight, nestled among a collection of shady oaks on the outskirts of Gainesville Florida, resides a small elementary school. For one who is unaware of the school's existence, that persononeWhen using "one" in a sentence, you must stick with it throughout the sentence would barely notice it as theyoneIf you don't like the way this sounds (I don't either :), I suggest replacing the first "one" with "the person" and changing "they" to "he" (It's okay to stick to a gender, as long as it's constant) drove by, for its generic outwardThis word seems a little redundant appearance looks as everyday and ordinary as any other building. However, in the eyes of one who knows bettermy eyesYou do know better, right? Otherwise, you wouldn't be writing this. :) Then, it's more succinct to use "my eyes", this small school is so much greater than it seems.

Expressions Learning Arts Academy holds a special place in the hearts of all who ever attended the schoolof the student , for its special character helps cultivate and reveal the student'shis personality. The curriculum is unique, blending the traditional courses of math, language arts, and science with art, dance, drama, and music. Its miniscule <-- To me, this word doesn't sound right... Try a different one.class size (only about fifty to seventy five kids during my time)creates a family and allows the teachers there to be approachableaccessibleand create a family . I am exceedinglyforever grateful for the intimate and personal school experience Expressions provided, for it helped me discover not only a love offor art, but alsoWhen using "not only," "but also" always accompanies ti. the importance of a community.

At this point in my life, I am dedicated to the arts. I have taken anIn order to leave room for art classesof some sort every year of my school career, even taking myI postponed required electives duringto the summer, online, to leave room for additional art classes in my schedule . Beyond the world of pencils, pottery, and paint, I have also been dancing for fourteen years and have auditioned for and participated in plays. (Perhaps I would have found this passion for art on my own, but) <-- I'm a little confused here... you're saying that you could have discovered your passion without Expressions, then saying that Expressions helped you explore your passion... I think it's better to leave that part out... Expressions certainly helped unlock that door and provided guidance in exploring those areas. Ms. Sarah, the art teacher, encouraged her studentsme(I know what you are saying, but I think its better to keep the relations more personal. It will make the essay a little more powerful) to see the world in new ways, and to create and express ourselves. I learned there, that, while words may fail, art can offer a novel way to portray our feelings and ideas in ways before thought impossible . One can adequately show the beauty and the chaos of one's mind, when trying to explain that same idea with words can fall short.Art can often achieve what the word cannot: reveal the beauty of the mind.This is just a suggestion. The previous one was worded awkwardly... However, I'm not sure if you should keep it at all; you're pretty much repeating what you said the previous sentence :]

More than just instilling in me thatthe source of wonder and enthusiasm for art, Expressions was a family, teaching us studentsme to see and accept our peers for who they truly are. When I happen uponcome across my old classmates now, it is sometimes surprising to see how far we all have come,and how different we all are. An outsider looking in sees that we all run with different crowds and would assume that we have nothing in common besides our familiar school history. B, b ut I know better. Expressions allowed me to become comfortable with who I am, for I encountered no ostracism for being different or unique, and learnedto learn the value of connecting with people who can accept you for who you areothers . Expressions has helped me learn to make my friendships based on someone's true valuevirtues , not on what others think or say about a person. Expressions also taught me loyalty. My friends that I made in grade school are still some of my closest friends today, despite time and distance<-- What does that mean? I'm a little confused by "time.", and I hope that this remains true with my high-school friends.

While some may wonder if a grade school can have such an impact on a child, I assure you that if you were to ask any other alumni from that marvelous school if they feel roughly the same, they most likely would agree. The experience of growing and learning in such an accepting environment, with people who are eager to support you on your quest to explore opportunities that the world holdsthe world is a special thing. Because I went to Expressions Learning Arts Academy, I am now a confident individual, and artist, with the ability to accept others, because I have learned to accept myself.

I think you can work on your conclusion to make it stronger. You should especially try to fix the first sentence of the conclusion; you should try not to use the word "you" in your essay, because the reader might not feel that way. :] Overall, nice job though. You do well on elaborating on an idea. Might I suggest that you also add a specific experience or two to support your main idea? Maybe a lecture or an experience with schoolmate... This would make your essay even stronger.

Undergraduate / Explanation on which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why [17]

Alright. Here is my attempt at this prompt. Do you guys think this suffices?

"Hello, world!" The journey through unchartered pages of unfamiliar language left me a weary wanderer; my tired yet inquisitive mind warmly welcomed a whole new world. I was forever intrigued by its boundless frontiers; it houses a plethora of applications to entertainment and productive technology. In this Utopia, boredom is cured and idleness eradicated; there is no darkness but only the enlightenment of the mind. Within the fingertips, I can dissect the neuronal algorithms that give life to the glowing black box before me. My manifest destiny lies in the realm Computer Science and Engineering.

I'm not sure if this does the job...

Undergraduate / Explanation on which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why [17]

Thanks for the comments.
Here is my second attempt at this prompt... Do you think it answers the question effectively, or does it seem more like a distraction? Just in case, I'm also working on another version and will post that also soon...

"Hello, world!" The journey through unchartered pages of unfamiliar language left me a weary programmer; I warmly welcomed the realm of Computer Science and Engineering. In this utopia, boredom is cured and...

Undergraduate / "say curiosity and determination" - Stanford essay: Note to Roommate [8]


Not you, but "me," right? :]


... Or am I misunderstanding the sentence?



I'm a little uneasy about the conclusion though... I don't think you explained very well who you want to be. Overall, the letter is nice, but you can improve it by adding a specific experience or two to support your virtues rather than saying how you view things... Do you sort of understand what I mean? :]

Also, I think you can scratch the last sentence... to me, it feels a little out of place and tone... Maybe you can continue your voice: "I hope to discover the words that describe you." or something like that.

Writing Feedback / Learning from books or from experience ? What is your opinion? [9]


Let's clear a few things up. :]
First, when you're using commas, you only put a space after it: "life, "
You don't need one before the comma.
Second, I think that you can better word the last three sentences. When you say "But which way is better?", the reader has to read forward to see what you are talking about. Instead, you should combine the sentence with the next ones: "Some people believe that learning from books is better, but I maintain that learning from experience is more effective." or something like that.

Overall, very nice. You added a nice example here to support your thesis. I would say that once you improve your grammatical skills even more, you will able to write very well.

Essays / personality type essay (stress on thesis statement) [3]


Well... I agree that an essay is not exactly like a story, but it should definitely incorporate one to support your thesis.

As for your thesis itself, it is very generic. Rather than saying that they are the worst kind of friends to have, think about what it is about them that makes them unfavorable. Try to come up with a more specific theme. Maybe fair weather friends are disloyal at times. Or maybe they live in greed or selfishness. An example of a more specific thesis would be: "Fair weather friends are often not friends at all; they are leeches that bask in greed and prey on the good will of others." Something like that could work. I would say that the more specific the thesis, the better. But don't get so specific that you can't even write a paragraph about it.

Undergraduate / "My mathematical expertise" - part of my nature I am most proud of [6]

Hmmm... I think you are misunderstanding my main idea...My main point was that I love to teach... not that I'm an obstinate learner. That sentence was just an introduction to a small anecdote that would lead to my main point... Am I not doing this right? -.- ... If you don't mind, could you take a look at the actual essay I took this from? The prompts were similar, so I tried to recycle it so that I wouldn't have to write a new one: https://essayforum.com/undergraduate/obstinate-learner-quality-experience-18146/

Oh - and another question:
Is "a love for teaching" considered a personality?

Undergraduate / Mae Jemison; historical figure influenced you and explain that influence [24]

I considered all of your advice and tried to revise my revision of my intro... If you don't mind, could you critique this one also? Thanks!

From this introduction, can you tell me what you think the main idea of the essay will be?

Undergraduate / "My mathematical expertise" - part of my nature I am most proud of [6]

Thanks for the comments. I also think that the best way to go about the problem is to somehow fuse the two ideas together. I'm going to work on that now. :]

Undergraduate / Listening to classical music: something I do for the pleasure of it (short answer) [12]

Oh! The guitar is very nice. I especially love the Gentleman's Concerto for Guitar by Rodrigo - it's a masterpiece!