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Posts by ekim226
Joined: Aug 26, 2010
Last Post: Jan 11, 2012
Threads: 5
Posts: 29  

From: USA

Displayed posts: 34
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Jan 11, 2012
Scholarship / 'my visionary mindset' - Cloisters Art Museum Internship [NEW]

The summer internship I'm applying for at The Cloisters Museum in NYC (a branch of The Met Museum) involves gallery workshops with children at their summer day camp and forming my own public gallery talk at the end of the internship. They accept 8 college students and hopefully I can be one of them. :)

Butcher me with criticism. Is anything redundant/unclear, and would personally accept me with this essay if you were the most selective reviewer? I'm particularly struggling with flow and organization/structure. Thanks in advance!

The prompt: Why would you like to participate in The Cloisters Summer Internship Program? Please discuss:
-What you believe you can contribute to this program
-Your interest in working with children
-What you hope to learn from this experience
-How this experience would further your education and career plans

Shy smiling faces of chattering children and feet dangling from pushed in chairs. Freshly sharpened pencils and pristine drawing papers about to be pulverized with colors mimicking Jasper Johns' work. The morning of a day of summer camp at Museo Art Academy.

It's safe to say that my most inspiring summer experience thus far was neither working alongside radio show hosts and editors nor siteseeing in the Seattle Art Museum or Seoul nor even drawing at the pleasure of my desk. But it was teaching as an assistant at Museo Art Academy. That summer, work was just as much fun for me as it was for the kids because communicating art to the children was a hands-on opportunity to inspire a life.

In my bright purple staff tee, I reveled in representing a venue downtown that flourishes in sharing and teaching art. The unexpected talent and creativity that bursted through the young'uns never ceased to excite me. As the kids smiled at their own and each others' creations and found new ideas while coloring away, I knew, in these moments, that art through any form held the power to spark a connection with the world and a life-changing happiness. With this love in mind, I started a fundraising charity, Fostering Tunes, devoted to providing funds for foster children in Seattle to learn and play music since 2010. Art holds the ability to allow that one time smile to permeate a lifetime to express and tell a story. Through the Cloisters internship and whatever work I do, I'd like to make sure one more child, during the summer of 2012, and one more human throughout my lifetime, does not pass the chance to discover art, creativity, the ability to speak, and realize themselves.

Taking from this summer's journey, I aim to learn how to more professionally communicate art to the masses and embed these tools in my repetoire while I trek towards a career in journalism and art. My vision behind studying journalism and art history at NYU revolves around speaking to the masses, in order to allow a piece of art--a living story in itself--to speak to an individual and that individual to express his or her life story. I seek to tie the loose ends of misunderstanding in this world through the stories that lie waiting to be shared because they have not found art. Witnessing and actively contributing to the inner workings of an established art organization, I hope to garner the insight needed to master communicating change and happiness through art.

Dabbling in the cultures of New Jersey suburbs, fast-paced South Korea and humble Seattle, I've come to realize that art is a global taste derived from the local and individual. A despite the frequent change of residence, one thing hasn't changed, my love for communicating. With a box full of journals from my childhood and blog teeming with art and writing posts, I have been a natural storyteller, ready to record and share anything that incites passion and curiousity.

Whenever I visit South Korea and peruse the art of my Korean culture, I find art to be a source of history and self discovery. Just as art adds to my identity, I wish to learn how to instill futures in children through art of a far away but very relevant medieval past.

Located in a bustling cosmopolitan hub that seems to only look forward, The Cloisters is not only a site to see, but moreover, an experience. I'd like to learn how such a unique and specialized location weaves nature, architecture and history to create a world based on the revolutionary past of medieval ages to stir new revolutions, educating children and influencing art of today and the future.

Through my visionary mindset, quick-learning adaptability and persistent enthusiasm, I am positive The Cloisters will find my experience and perspective supplemental to the summer camp and beyond. As an underclassman, the knowledge I gain about educating, curating and administrating in the infrastructure of a rich art powerhouse will boost every step I take towards an artistic communications career.
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / 4th grade + diverse interests: BROWN SUPPLEMENT [4]

My 2nd essay edited:
- conclusion? my ending is abrupt, but i'm not sure how to smoothly close it.
- i'm not sure that i fully answered the prompt because my other interests are arts and education but I haven't mentioned much about those interests. how can i incorporate them?

- i also have about 50 characters left. anything to take out so i can fit other ideas in?

The mission: to share life's happiness with the local and global community. The tools? The power of words. My interests have taken me many places, but I knew I would have to incorporate writing into my career when I interviewed local disabled children for the newspaper as they prepared for an annual Challenge Race. Listening to their stories and being able to share their dreams with the others unveiled a new appreciate for life and encouraged me connecting those in my community and beyond through happiness. Every time I interviewed and interacted with personalities like Moroccan exchange students, senior citizens, and student musicians, I would discover a new level of joy and my heart would jump in excitement as I'd type fervently to share their stories with the world. Double majoring in English and Modern Culture and Media will allow me to not only amplify my writing voice, but also explore other courses and my wide-range of passions.
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / My journey to Northwestern (Psychology and Law and Psychology and Health) [12]

"Contemplating both law and medicine as future professions, I became curious to learn how Northwestern linked these academic disciplines, so to quell my inquiring mind I collected a copy of both sheets and joined the campus tour." I feel like the detail of getting the two copies isn't that important/necessary. If you want to show your interest about that, you can talk about what you hope to do with the profession at NU/beyond, but collecting the sheets seems like a trite detail.

"...compelled me to want to take part in tradition, or..." the word tradition here doesn't sound quite right.
"Therefore, as my feet crunched against the snow, I imagined myself as a Northwestern undergraduate..." I think 'therefore' is not the right word here. you were talking about how you want to participate in their tradition/start your own, but i dont think that is why you imaged yourself at NU. slight disconnect.

And I think the first paragraph is a nice intro and very descriptive/pretty, but you could make it a lot shorter because it really doesn't answer the prompt. Focus more on the school/its qualities and less on the narrative. :)

Good job and good luck! I'm applying to NU too. :) (and if you can, i'd love to hear your feedback for my brown supplement)
Dec 31, 2010

This is really good. You're definitely good with words. And I think you clearly showed how rapping is an intellectual experience for you. I would give you advice, but there isn't much that strikes me as awkward or anything. Good job and good luck!

I'm applying to Brown as well; if you have time, I'd really appreciate your feedback for my Brown supplement. Thanks!
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / 4th grade + diverse interests: BROWN SUPPLEMENT [4]

I plan to submit this tonight! Any advice would be appreciated & I'd be glad to return the favor!
I was told that my answers were somewhat unexciting/unoriginal, but I'm not quite sure how to make it pop. I tried to be truthful/down to earth, but if you have suggestions for that, let me know!

Please tell us more about your interest in Brown: Why does Brown appeal to you as a college option? Who or what has influenced your decision to apply?

*I'm not sure that I make myself clear in how 4th grade has inspired me. Any feedback/advice about that?

Story-time Fridays, Lunchtime Bingo and Jeopardy Bowl. Although it was my first and only year at that elementary school, fourth grade memories are definitely my favorite, and I give credit to my teacher, a Brown alumna. No other teacher encouraged me to venture into varied subjects like geography, science, even play-writing like Mrs. Cutrona did. Although high school lectures and presentations have fed me new knowledge, she taught me that there is nothing as stimulating as exploring diverse subjects in a tight-knit community. Brown's liberal curriculum gives me the opportunity to fearlessly indulge in new courses with like-minded, adventurous students. Eclectic organizations like Attitude Dance, AASA and The Elm Tree Project inspire me to further expand my interests, and UTRA will allow me to start my own research project to promote the arts and service. I hope to join Brown's dynamic student body and utilize Brown's resources to share my thirst for life with others and impact the world.
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "I was expecting another dull admissions video" - Why I want to go to yale [14]

Great response; I thought the Youtube detail was real nice. Only thing I'd change is to take out the comma after facts. I would advise more but I think it's really good as it is (I'm looking at the last post of yours). Good luck! :)

(PS. If you can, I'd love to hear any advice you have for my Brown supplement!)
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "Touring the West Bank" - STANFORD INTELLECTUAL EXPERIENCE [7]

Great writing! :)

"...read the Lemon Tree,<-- should be italicized? [a novel impartially written captured] i find these words a little awkward the Arab and Jew perspective in the heart of the Middle East."

"I was prepared to gain an intellectually stimulating experience of a lifetime." <-- this sentence is a little awkward for me.
"This occurred when..." Could you specific 'this'? :)
I noticed you say "flash" twice. It's a very striking word so I'd stick with using it once.
"on soft, clothed seats"

And this is optional, but do you have specific ideas on how you'd like to advocate those rights, etc.? Maybe you could quickly add something about that to make it more "tangible"/"visible" if you know what I mean.

I enjoy reading your writing :)

I also uploaded my Brown supplement today and I'd love to hear any advice you have about it. Thanks for helping me with UPenn!
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "a road trip to see the Northwestern campus" - NORTHWESTERN [6]

Great details! :)

I would definitely take out: "(gosh! If I only had that single measly point in Enr. Physical Science my freshman year...)" and the 2-4 hours part. I see you're trying to add voice, but it just don't mesh well. (I also wish I had one more point in that class my freshman year. haha).

(I included the Happiness Club in my NU essay too) ;)

Good luck!
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / NASA spacesuit Cornell Engineering Supplemental [15]

Great intro! But at this part: "yet, when I look into space, it is lifeless." I know you're referring "it" to "space" but I'm not sure how it's exactly relevant to you feeling alone. If y'know what I mean.

watch your verb tenses: "Looking though my telescope at night, I can see craters on the moon, and behind the moon, I can see Mars,"..."Maybe space isn't so lifeless"

"rockets from tools and scraps of metal "

I think your achievements are really cool! But I think it'd be really great if you could take out some info about NASA and that experience, make it a little more short and concise and then talk more about what you hope to do at Cornell and why Cornell is appropriate above other schools. :)

Good job though! And good luck!

(If you have time, I'd love your feedback on my UPenn and/or Common App essay. Thanks so much!)
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "From journalism to fashion and traveling to film" - UPenn Supp. Essay :) [7]

- Advice for cutting words/sentences would be appreciated.
- There was a lot I had to say about UPenn, and I wasn't sure how to organize my thoughts, so let me know if there is any confusion/disorganization and how I could fix that.

- Also, the first time I truly became interested in UPenn was by encountering a Penn fashion blogger online; I think it might be a cool story, but I'm not sure if I should incorporate that and how. Any thoughts?

Thank you in advance! :)

Prompt: Considering both the specific undergraduate school or program to which you are applying and the broader University of Pennsylvania community, what academic, research, and/or extracurricular paths do you see yourself exploring at Penn?

From journalism to fashion and traveling to film, I've been continuously exploring my varied interests to find that ideal subject to build my career on to positively impact the world. However, after discovering UPenn, I realized I didn't have to sacrifice one of my passions for another. Whether I studying abroad at the Cardiff School of Journalism in Wales, writing for the Daily Pennsylvanian or the WALK fashion magazine, or visiting CURF to receive advice for my research project, I plan to explore my diverse interests, discover hidden talents and concentrate these passions into an influential career.

With a double major in Communications and English, I am most excited by the flexibility of concentrations in The College and these majors. Indulging in courses like Freaks and Geeks with Professor Pearl and Literatures of Jazz, I see myself building perspective and strong foundations in realizing the changes that powerful communication can create as I become my own innovative communicator and writer by concentrating on Creative Writing through my English major.

From receiving advice through the College Alumni Mentoring Series, strengthening my speaking skills through Communication within the Curriculum, and taking writing workshops at Swarthmore or Kelly Writer's House, my goal in life is to share my stories and the testimonies of others to let one more person know that life is beautiful. As a fashion blogger and news writer, I can't wait to dive into new communities at events like Penn Fashion Week and neighborhoods in Philadelphia and around the world, reaching out to one more person and letting his or her story be told.

With a minor in Journalistic Writing or Comparative Literature, I hope to amplify my writing voice and skills while I apply newfound knowledge to practical training in the real world. Working with the Annenberg School of Communication, I see myself participating in internships, joining the Undergraduate Communications Society and building insight and experience in television, film and other areas. Beyond these experiences, I hope to work for University Television-13, WXPN and activities hosted by the Goldberg Media and Communications Program to create new relationships and expand my experience and understanding of the media world.

Experiencing the value of music and art in my life and witnessing the power of the arts in others have inspired me to embark on my own undergraduate research project at UPenn through the Fox Leadership Program as I interact with the Netter Center and the Community Arts Partnership to help provide optimal arts education to underprivileged students in Philadelphia. Additionally, I hope to be part of UPenn's devotion to civic engagement by volunteering for groups like Jam4Life, West Philadelphia Tutoring Project or PENNPals.

Whether I am fostering cultural relationships through the Korean Students Association or encountering a new friend on Locust Walk, I know I will always find students who want to thrive in adventures of learning and self expression just as I aim to do at UPenn. In the end, I hope to look back at my Penn experience knowing that I have utilized all my talents and Penn's resources to leave a legacy in someone's life and to share stories with the world. A dynamic community of intermingling diversity thriving with endless opportunities to influence, lead and discover-that is UPenn. And I can't wait to make UPenn my story.
Dec 20, 2010
Undergraduate / Silence of the Lambs character influence - Common App Essay [4]

Thanks so much for the feedback! I'm applying to Northwestern, UPenn, NYU, Brown, Cornell, Johns Hopkins and a few others. Those are my main ones. :)

(to others:) I'm still accepting much criticism, so please do read/help if possible! (I'm especially having difficulty with verb tenses.) Thank you!!
Dec 18, 2010
Undergraduate / Silence of the Lambs character influence - Common App Essay [4]

At the last minute, I decided to rewrite my college app essay. I plan to submit it this Monday or Tuesday, so any advice at all would be greatly appreciated! (grammar, content, transitions, flow, diction, etc.) My essay is at 708 words, so let me know what I can cut out as well. Thank you!

Prompt: Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.

Fluttering moths. Overworked sewing machines. Threads placed haphazardly across the room. On a quiet day in Illinois, FBI trainee Clarice Starling knows she has found the nation's deadliest serial killer, Buffalo Bill. An atypical UVA graduate, Starling hears the screams of the confused lambs being slaughtered in her uncle's barn after her father-her world-was wrongfully killed when she was 10. But no life trauma lets her down because she knows what she wants: to rescue one more innocent person, to forever silence her worries and the screams of the confused lambs she could not save. Although men question her potential as an amateur female detective, she never complains. She never doubts. She lives with unwavering confidence.

On a Saturday night, my mother and I browsed TV channels to find a good movie to watch as we do every weekend. Serendipitously, Silence of the Lambs was just starting. The eerie music and creepy plotline made me think, "Oh, one of those old thriller films." However, as I watched agent Starling pursue her dreams, rise above discrimination, and share herself to Dr. Hannibal Lecter, I saw a piece of myself in her, realized she is just as real as I am and desired the confident personality she had. While Clarice grew up in the trap of rural West Virginia with both her parents dead, I grew up in the monotony of change, of moving from rural New Jersey to their urban suburbs to the bustling South Korea, as I now find myself in gloomy Seattle with my estranged brother across the country, my father restarting his life in Asia after his gambling addiction, and my mother by my side recovering from Breast Cancer. Despite my life traumas, I have been notorious for my positive outlook and for my "shine," enough so that my school has dubbed me the Shiny Girl. I may have reasons to cry, complain, gossip and swear as those around me claim "life sucks," but I dare to overcome my life's difficulties by seeing the beauty in life and society, and remembering my purpose: to let one more person know life is truly beautiful.

As I strode through my high school halls with confidence that may be unusual for a meager 4'10" girl to handle, underneath my smiles and happiness, I loathed how students saw me as a naïve and innocent goody-two-shoes. I saw images of laughing kids having crazy weekends and I did not want to be different anymore; I no longer wanted to be the optimist that I was. I wanted only to be like everyone else. When I saw Clarice cry remembering her difficult childhood after her encounter with Hannibal the Cannibal, she helped me realize that heroes have issues too, and do not change the world by being average. Clarice's persistence, her undying determination to save one more innocent person lead her to track down the impossible psychopath who made clothes out of women's flesh. She defeated evil, saved Catherine Martin, joined the FBI despite being a woman, and gained wisdom. At that moment, I knew that no matter what separation society places me in, I cannot let the perceptions of others sway me.

Clarice Starling reminded me to always walk with confidence, to stay true to myself, to be honest, and that weaknesses lead to success. She gave me the encouragement I needed to believe that positivity is the most powerful quality in leadership. To this day, I have not stopped smiling in my writing, speech, and persona, and I wake up every morning remembering I can influence someone's life and the world. Whether it's through sharing my life stories on my blog, talking on my school's broadcast program, or bonding with new people as a journalist, I will make this day better than yesterday for me, for someone else and for the world.
Oct 30, 2010
Undergraduate / City of Brotherly Love - UPENN SUPPLEMENT [4]

Great essay!

1. In the beginning, I would spell out what KLEMA stands for. And if you can, a quick phrase/sentence of what KLEMA ministry aims to do (their goal, what they do, etc.)

2. In the 2nd paragraph, it sounds like you are telling the admissions officers that "UPenn has these classes. They're great!" But they already know they have these great classes. Try to make the focus back to you and your love of UPenn, rather than on UPenn, if you know what I mean. I would say "I see myself in the biology classes such as "Introduction to..."" instead of saying "UPenn offers these classes. Aim to make it special/personal, instead of just listing of courses. :)

3. In the third paragraph, I would take out the "Although there are...Pennsylvania" phrase and just start the paragraph with "There are also various..." And instead of saying "activities such as..are just some of the few organizations I would like to be a part of" show not tell that you'd like to be a part of them. Why would you like to be a part of them? And what would you do? What do you see yourself doing in those activities? So it'd turn into something like "I aspire to do _____ in "Active Minds" etc."

Great essay! You are very focused and it's evident you have a passion. :)

Best of luck!!
Oct 9, 2010
Undergraduate / Academic Interests and Colorful Life-- Why Stanford Essay [7]

This is great for not having written an essay before! It's good overall, but it is missing a bit of "you." Let your voice shine through a little bit more by talking about your goals and life dreams and how Stanford is the perfect place to achieve them. I like the little details but for some reason, they lack that powerful punch. It is really a great essay though! I can feel your confidence. :]

Best of luck! :)

And if you have time, I'd love to hear your feedback on my Common App essay. :)
Oct 9, 2010
Undergraduate / "The irony of suffering " - my UCF Entrance Essay (obstacle, bump) [5]

I am all for what Kevin has said. This is a really powerful essay and I love it! Your voice definitely shines through too.

My small tips:
"...joined the volunteer program at Baptist hospital and so with time I was back and volunteering again . I have nowbeen(I would change this verb into something stronger) there since 2007..."

"Intending on(I find this phrase a little awkward) going to medical school to become an obstetrician, I would want..."

Great essay and focus. :)

And if you have time, I'd love to hear your feedback for my Common App essay. You're a great writer and I bet you'd provide great advice - which I need. Haha. :]
Oct 9, 2010
Undergraduate / "the engineering challenges" - Why Stanford Essay [6]

This is great! You are focused and the goal is evident. If I had to give some sort of feedback, I'd maybe mention another aspect besides the eco-friendliness about Stanford that you really love. But I think it really is great as is. :) Good luck!

If you have time, I'd love to hear your feedback on my Common App essay! (And Lake Sammammish? I have a friend who lives by there. I live in Washington state too.) :)
Oct 9, 2010
Undergraduate / Personal Statement - My brother, Living with Autism [4]

Oh, I noticed you uploaded a new thread, and I commented on your old one. So just in case you didn't see the old comment:

"I think you can take out the sentence "I had an interesting experience that most people don't encounter." because it's evident with your next sentence.

I think you have a great start but if possible, I would definitely add more info about why you particularly would succeed at Penn State. What are specific things about Penn State will help you "learn, grown and share your experiences?" I feel like you could copy and paste this essay to another school and say the same thing. Make it special for Penn State. Otherwise, I think it's great. :)

My brother went to Penn State! He loved it! :) Good luck!

And if you have time, I'd love your feedback on my Common App essay. :)"
Oct 9, 2010
Undergraduate / College essay on how my grandmother influenced me and my vacation to Italy, critique? [3]

You are a great writer and I love the structure and conciseness of your essay! It's great! My main advice is to add more about your goals and your dreams. There's a lot of details about the story and I really enjoyed that, but we need to know more about how you will be a great influence and student. What will make colleges beg for you? :)

Great essay! Best of luck!

And if you have time, I'd love to hear your feedback for my Common App essay as well. :]
Oct 9, 2010
Undergraduate / Love for art + Chinese heritage - UPenn Supplemental Essay. [7]

This is great, I really can't think of much advice and you've probably already submitted it so I just wanted to say it was really good.

If you have time, I'd love your feedback for my Common App essay! You're a great writer, and I'd appreciate your thoughts on my writing. :)

Good luck applying to UPenn! I'm also applying there but for Regular Decision. :)
Oct 9, 2010
Undergraduate / "Uncle Jim" - Application Essay on family members effect on me [3]

Fun essay! Your voice definitely is there, but I want to know more about you and less about Uncle Jim. It's all about your Uncle's influence so be sure to relate it back to yourself some more. How has he impacted your dreams and the things you want to do in life? Has he changed your view on life? Be sure to incorporate that somehow. But very clean and well organized essay. Also, I may take out "Before I go on, it is important to note that regardless of relation to Uncle Jim, everyone refers to him as "Uncle". Friends and family alike all call him "Uncle Jim"." I don't think it's absolutely mandatory to include in the essay. :)

Great job! Good luck!

And if you have time, I'd love to hear your feedback for my Common App essay. :)
Oct 9, 2010
Undergraduate / My Experience with Autism - Penn State Personal Statement [7]

I think you can take out the sentence "I had an interesting experience that most people don't encounter." because it's evident with your next sentence.

I think you have a great start but if possible, I would definitely add more info about why you particularly would succeed at Penn State. What are specific things about Penn State will help you "learn, grown and share your experiences?" I feel like you could copy and paste this essay to another school and say the same thing. Make it special for Penn State. Otherwise, I think it's great. :)

My brother went to Penn State! He loved it! :) Good luck!

And if you have time, I'd love your feedback on my Common App essay. :)
Oct 9, 2010
Undergraduate / how hawaii has fueled my interest for stanford [5]

I second Kevin's insight. You have great details but talk more about what you hope to achieve in the world besides the obvious. You're a good student, you hope to do lots of things but what are those things you'd like to achieve?

You have great voice and style!

Best of luck! :)

And if you have time, I'd love to hear your feedback for my Common App essay. :)
Oct 9, 2010
Undergraduate / Determination and Success - Havard essay [7]

Great essay and focus. The main this is, most of the essay is about those two characters but the essay needs to be more about you. As you talk about the characters, incorporate more of yourself. I'm not sure if you are over the word limit or anything, but if you can, talk about those connections with yourself and those characters. And if you are over the word limit, I would take out some details about the characters and focus on their influence on you. :)

And if you have time, I'd love to hear your feedback on my common app essay. :)
Oct 9, 2010
Undergraduate / "the people we were capable of becoming" - World you come from, personal Statement [3]

For the first four years of my life, I never saw my father in person. He spent the first four years of my life (rephrase this phrase) working in Tokyo, Japan.

Don't forget the apostrophe after the mom's bee quote.

I think you can take out "blue-carpeted" before living room.

I'm not quite sure what is going on in the 3rd paragraph. It's very powerful and I was so moved, but then I got kinda lost.

Try to add more sentence variation. It's good you are very concise and straight forward in your writing. :) But sometimes too many of your sentences start with "I." Maybe incorporate some transitions. :)

This is such a powerful essay; you're really talented with you words, but my biggest thing would be to talk about how discovering this new sister will/has changed your life. It's obvious that the change was like mind-blowing, but tell me more about the influence and change that's going to happen. :) If this is for a college app, then remember what the admissions counselor is looking for: "what will this student bring to our campus?" "how is this student superb?" I can see you're a great writer, but I want to know more about you and not just the tears.

And if you have time, I'd love if you could provide me feedback for my common app essay. :)
Oct 9, 2010
Undergraduate / "Mrs Morrow's enthusiasm"- indicating a person's influence on you- Common Application [4]

I mean, playing piano for twelve yearsso far has been a great experience for me and I have always strived to achieve excellence in all classes, activities and groups to which I belong (I would rephrase these last few words) ; but singing?

Also, comma after Ms. Mary Morrow (I think you can just say Ms. Morrow).

...perfect for Women's Ensemble" - the women's choir at my school.

I would take out "I was kind of pleased to know that I did not sound horrifying because that would have been really humiliating."

Try to incorporate more active and powerful verbs. And I like how your voice shows through - that's always important. :) Remember, it's about their influence on you.

Great start. :) And if you have time, I'd appreciate any advice you have about my Common App essay :)

And towards the end, you talk a lot about Ms. Morrow, but you need to connect it more to yourself.
Oct 9, 2010
Undergraduate / Who would you like to bring do your backyard (Karen) - NYU application [3]

I like how at the end there's a little parallelism going on. And that's a unique character to choose. I really want to know more about why you chose her though. There's a lot of people you could talk to about fashion, movies and art, but why her? And you can take out the comma after Karen's name. :)

Great start though! And if you could, I'd appreciate your advice about my Common App essay. :)

PS. I'm applying to NYU too. Maybe we'll meet up one day. :)
Oct 8, 2010
Undergraduate / The Shiny Girl: Everyone's Buddy - Common App Essay [7]

Thank you so much Chelsee! :) I'm glad you enjoyed reading it - I guess that's an important part of the essay. And I'll for sure proofread it, that was my very first draft so there's still a lot to do. Thanks again! :)
Oct 8, 2010
Undergraduate / "Seeking knowledge and commitment to service" - i have writers block, how to start? [3]

Hey Chelsee! So I think you should still post your draft and you can start from there. It's good you still have something. I like the idea of using art as a bridge. I know this sounds vague, but since I don't know specifics about you, just write what you are truly passionate and excited about and it will show through in your essay! I promise! So I'd say keep going with the art topic if that's really what you love. And put the draft up and we can tell you how to fix it. :)
Oct 8, 2010
Undergraduate / The Shiny Girl: Everyone's Buddy - Common App Essay [7]

Hi! This is just my first draft and it's definitely too long, but I would love to receive any feedback (best parts, worst parts, specific things to improve, etc.). I'm applying Early Decision, so quick feedback would be great.

I'm particularly not sure how to go about the structure because there's so much I want to say. How can I condense it? And I'm planning to provide more context about the Shiny Girl moniker in my next draft. :)

Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.

I've managed to cut it down to 858 words, but I'd still like to condense it. I also changed the structure.

Amidst a candy-colored world that could only be found in a pop-up book, filled with snowflakes, penguins, snowmen, and boldly colored elves alive and whistling Christmas chimes, there existed an anomalous human being - Buddy from the movie Elf. This misplaced character grew up in the isolated North Pole where elves wrote to-do lists on etch-a-sketches and aspired to build toys in Santa's workshop to prepare for the "big dance" - Christmas. In contrast to Buddy's towering stature and masculine bone structure, I am 4'10" and fit into kid's jeans, but I know one thing is for sure, I'm not an elf. As Buddy grew up in a community of foreign elves, I have thrived in a society of pessimistic pedestrians. Just as he squeezed his big self into the elves' bathroom stall contemplating his identity and believing "I don't belong anywhere," I sat alone in my closet a few years ago, wondering which road of life I should take. I cried tears not of a Hollywood drama, but of real life anguish. I was facing an important fork in my life - should I mimic the cool kids, or should I be me.

The answer seems obvious - do the good thing. But I didn't want to walk through the halls having students think "Oh, there's the goody-two-shoes that's always happy and will never understand reality." Seattle darkness began to permeate my character. When I entered classrooms with those ignorant stares, I hated that I loved school, I despised my thirst for life and I wished I didn't have the ability to turn the negative into positive. Should I take the road of raves, partying, and procrastinating nights of complaining and swearing? But remembered, I had visions to change the world - plans so big that could only be accomplished with God's aid. Then, I remembered there were students who looked up to me, who called, "Hey Shiny Girl!" in the hallways because of that one time when I ran for sophomore class representative and made a few people smile. Fortunately, I trekked across terrains abound with enticing swirly-twirly gum drops, and negative Nancy's, but I've used my naturally cheerful and active mind to combat life's downtrodden darkness to embrace who I am, as Buddy travelled to NYC to find his identity. After passing through several levels of thorny candy cane forests, I'm ready to enter my own magical New York City where possibilities are endless and where Buddy found - and I will find - home.

While a world of Christmas toy creation bustles in Buddy's North Pole, I wake up to a typical Seattle morning of rain pattering outside my window, of students rushing to class, and of purple and gold paper mache plastered in hallways. A typical initial thought: "Oh Snooze, just last a little longer!" But no, for me, school is my source of joy and passion, not just because of the academics, but because of the whole package: creating bonds with new students and teachers, expanding my knowledge and knowing I can change the world with it! To me, there is no purer excitement as that of a night before school.

Papa Elf once divulged, "Elves love to tell stories." From daily blog divulgences to quick hallway talk, I'm constantly eager to share my opinions, thoughts and stories about anything. As Buddy believed in singing Christmas carols loudly, I am equipped to boldly share not only my story, but also the individually captivating stories of those around me, to let the whole world know that life is good no matter who you are and where you've been.

Beyond Buddy's love for life, I admire his character as a man of change. By watching his adventures of transforming darkness and misunderstanding through his tenacious positivity, I was swept away by his undying courage to care for others at any time and place. Just as Buddy's optimism permeated the lives of his lonely brother, the shy Gimbel's employee, the mailroom alcoholic, and even his impossibly close-minded father, I aspire to reach out to as many people as I can, from the barista at the local café, to the Prime Minister of England; I want to be known as the world changer who cares about everyone. I am ready to combat all negativity by placing myself outside of my comfort-zone, diving into reality and combating the stereotype that "work stinks" and "life sucks." Through my writing, speech or simply my personality, I want every individual to know they aren't lifeless cotton-headed-ninny-muggins, but individuals of powerful life and influence. I believe my "nimble elf fingers" - my words - have the same ability to transform a sketchy mail room into a bumpin' party celebration with employees working to "Whoomp, There It Is."

Life gets aggressive and gruff, but the ebullient tenacity of a visionary like me can surpass anything. The Shiny Girl has become a name that no longer insinuates angelic pureness, but emulates bright and bold individuality. I poise in front of my school's TV screen flaunting my shiny smile for daily announcements, knowing that I can beat the system: happiness doesn't have to be fluffy, happiness is real and life can be shiny.