Undergraduate / Good grades on every subject - Statement of Purpose transfer A&M biology major [8]

Unlike many of my close friends, instead of immediately going away to college after graduating high school, I decided, upon being a student with an undeclared major, to attend a community college. Despite the pressure I felt from fellow peers who already seemed to know for a fact what they wanted to study and exactly how their lives would play out after that, I just wanted to focus on getting my basics done completedand.Then, I can really explore all of my possibilities before choosing one that would ultimately determine a big aspect of the rest of my life. I was never someone who settled on simply being satisfied, I wanted to be passionate about what I was doing.

Do you see what I mean about the sentence structure? It might behoove you to re-write this essay first, and then re-present it to the forum in a corrected form. Get your sentences down to a length that is acceptable. Some of them sound as if they are "run-on" sentences. I think that you have a good essay here, it just needs a little polishing. Please re-write it.

Mark

Undergraduate / [Being a Leader] #1 Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk [8]

WonJohn,

I think, after the corrections have been made, that you are off to a good start here. Please re-word the essay so that your sentence structure matches throughout the essay. Also, choose a topic sentence (as Kevin has suggested) and make sure that it is either the first or the second sentence (it is usually the first), and then use it to start off each of your paragraphs. It might help if you skip a space between paragraphs, as well; it makes for an easier read. You are doing really well.

Re-write the essay and then present it to us again.

Mark

Undergraduate / "My dad passed away when i was just 11 years old", an application essay. [17]

Paige,

It would have been easier, certainly, if you re-wrote the essay after all of the suggestions and comments were made, as we would be able to see the essay as it stands, corrected. However, I went through each of the corrections and comments (to the best of my ability) and I didn't find anymore reasons to think that there are errors.

However, I would enjoin you to re-work the essay and then re-present it to the forum, and then give us one more chance to have a "look-see." After all, when you re-write it over and over, you will find that there are better ways of stating something. Try re-writing it for us.

Mark

Essays / A good introduction to an essay about myself? [10]

Olivia,

You have the makings of an excellent essay! Now, take your ideas and put them on paper, but use your personal experiences to strengthen your essay. You say what motivated you in the past and what motivates you now, so use some sort of personal experience to describe that to your readers. Stating what motivates you is one thing, but describing how a specific situation motivated you in the past is a much more powerful statement. Get back with us if you have any questions or if this is not clear to you.

Mark

Dissertations / Suggest me what topic should i take in Finance and management in Phd [5]

Have you discussed this issue with your adviser? Typically, your adviser is the one with whom one discusses the topics of a Ph.D dissertation, as he or she will have to be the one who approves the topic. You can certainly present a list of suggested materials to him or her, but it will be the two of you who will ultimately decide what topics are good and what topics are not.

Mark

Undergraduate / 'reevaluation of my life' - Vires, Artes, Mores : Strength, Skill, Character [7]

Stephanie,

Now, why don't you re-write the essay with the suggestions that you have received thus far? You might find that after you re-write it once or twice it will sound and look better to you. Then, you can re-present it to the forum, in the completed, corrected form.

Mark

Undergraduate / My identity in music: Common App short essay [10]

The only comment I have for you is with respect to the following sub-sentence: my varying skill: change it to: my varying skills.

Then, take what Kevin has suggested to you and re-work/re-write the essay and then present it to the forum again. You will find that a re-write often makes it sound and look better.

Mark

Undergraduate / Anorexia: (issue of importance) - Essay E Ut admission [6]

Karla,

I think that you can do both! Have you had any personal experience (you or your family) with this disease or something like it? If so, then you can write about your own personal experiences "and" write about the issue as well -- and explain it. In fact, I think it will be a much stronger essay if you were to write it from you own perspective. I think that others would tend to agree with me.

Mark

Undergraduate / My identity in music: Common App short essay [10]

Yes, I think that the line that you left in red can become your thesis statement, but it needs to be presented earlier in the text. Why don't you re-work the entire essay and then present it to us in that fashion, so that we can see the entire essay again?

Mark

Undergraduate / "Embracing life and not battlig it" - Significant Experience & its Impact on Me [8]

Now that you have the corrections that others have made, or the suggestions that they have made for you, why don't you re-write the essay, re-work it so that we can see that you both understand what we have been trying to tell you and that you are able to write the essay?

It does one good to write -- then re-write and then re-write and then re-write and then re-write. It will often get better after each revision. Try it -- then post your essay again on the forum so that we can read it and evaluate it.

Mark

Dissertations / Ph.D. research topic in HRM [6]

What does your adviser have to say about your choice? Have you Googled the topic yet? You might be able to receive a number of suggestions that way. But, my first choice would be to present the idea to the adviser and see what he or she says about it. Also, we can assist you as you continue with your progress -- here on the forum.

Mark

Undergraduate / "the Renaissance woman" - WHY BROWN - Short Answer [11]

Francesca,

I dare not make a mark on your essay. It is extremely well-written. You have made use of the short space in a concise way. The choice or words is excellent. I could not improve upon it at all. I wish you luck in your endeavors!

Mark

Essays / Genres and Discourse Communities [8]

Mariam has given you a sure way of getting this essay started! Take a look at her 4 steps she has written for you -- then sit down with pen and paper and try to write something that will or is reflected in the genre that you like to read. You can build your essay from that. Present it to the forum and we will take a look at it.

Mark

Essays / Need an idea for a Evaluation Essay? [4]

I think that they want you to evaluate something, perhaps an experience in your life? Something that has tested you to the point that you have learned from your experiences?

Why don't you write some ideas -- and present them to the forum. If you are off the track, so to speak, then the group on the forum will lead you in the right direction.

Mark

Writing Feedback / Learning from books or from experience ? What is your opinion? [9]

You need to work on the structure of your sentences. I know what it is that you are trying to say, but you are not writing it very clearly. When you write a sentence, go over it in your mind, over and over again, to ensure that it makes sense and that it is what you want to say. Usually, if it sounds terrible, or not right, it isn't right.

Why don't you re-work your essay and then re-present it to the forum? I am sure everyone would like to see it again, corrected.

Thanks,

Mark

Undergraduate / Lehigh essay: define equity and community and their implications in society. [6]

society would be at a standstill -- I would add that with the attributes, society would not exist; it would not be at a standstill.

I agree with the other corrections, although I cannot make out what the last person tried to say.

Mark

Writing Feedback / "We are changing the world with technology." (Bill Gates) Is this true? [3]

It is generally accepted that technology has changed the way of life in some developed and developing parts of the world, but there are still a number of less developed areas left untouched and conserved of their traditional values and backward lifestyles

Hence, although it is acknowledged that technology has changed some things in various fields such as economic the economy, social society, medical medicine and the military, it can only do so to those who have access to technology

Richer nations are able to afford a myriad of technological equipments equipment

brings similar to their richer counterparts .brings to their similar, richer counterparts.

Take a look at the rest of the essay as well. There are some run-on sentences, where a comma would benefit.

Mark

Undergraduate / UC Prompt - How my world has shaped my dreams and aspirations - "hologram" [5]

Wow! A very well-written essay, indeed. After you made the few corrections, it reads well. You are certainly very gifted! I didn't find any fault with the syntax or the grammar.

Mark

Undergraduate / "an intel officer" - University of Texas at Austin admissions essay [7]

Austin,

You have written a very concise essay, indeed. I can relate to your aspirations, as I was once a member of the armed forces; however, I did not attain my education beyond high school until after I left the military. I often thought about going back in and making it a career as an officer.

You seem to have listed all of the attributes of becoming an officer, as well as your own desires to pursue such a goal. You clearly defined the University in Austin as a choice because of the program that is offered there.

I cannot find fault with your essay. It was very well written. I wish you luck with your endeavors.

Mark

Essays / how to start an essay on why am i going to college [7]

Hi Karen,

If you want to see how well you do in writing your essay, why don't you write it here and present it to us? Just sit down and write, and try to stay on topic. Pick a topic sentence for each of your paragraphs, and then use the paragraph to explain or further enhance the topic sentence. You should also have a thesis statement.

This is an excellent forum for you to start practicing your writing skills. Don't be shy -- just present us with some of your ideas in sentence form, using paragraphs. Read some of the other essays that are on the forum as well. When you are ready, send it to us; we will then have a better idea as to how well you do and "where you are" with respect to your writing abilities.

Try it.

Mark

Writing Feedback / sense of humor, honesty, willingness - QUALITIES OF A GOOD NEIGHBOR - TOEFL [7]

Luu Dang,

Now, after you have read what we have told you, why don't you re-work the essay and then re-present it to the forum? This will give you the chance to see how much better it can be expressed and it will give us the chance to see if you have understood what we have been telling you. It's not a long essay, so it should not take that long to re-work. Spend some time with it, and while you are doing it -- if you have any questions, please shout.

Mark

Undergraduate / where from (dad) + quality (student government) - UC [4]

Imagine if you had a passion or a skill for something but there was a barrier stopping you from doing what you strive to do. -- A wall, you try to climb over, dig under, and go around but nothing you do helps

All of a sudden all hope is lost and your only response alternative is to walk away from that wall and find a new path

My father had graduated from the University of Baghdad in Iraq at the top of his class and became an engineer.

There are some other corrections to be made as well; however, I think you have an excellent set of essays here. They just need a little work. I agree with the last person who critiqued your two essays. Why don't you re-work them and then present them again to the forum? You have the workings of two excellent personal statements here; they are both very powerful.

Thanks,

Mark

Undergraduate / "prepare me for larger-scale engineering" - Purdue Personal Statement [4]

Engineering became a part of my life long before I ever knew about it. As a kid child I liked building and creating, thinking of different ways to make everything create things. I enjoyed exploring the mechanics of how things worked, as well as finding new methods to recreate them.

Try to find similar ways you can change the other paragraphs, and then re-post the essay. Then, we can possibly add to it collectively.

Mark

Undergraduate / Only Four Sensees; Common App- Topic of Your Choice [4]

Until yesterday, I had planned on writing my essay on a literary character who has significantly impacted me. I realized, though, that it would not capture my uniqueness, and that is simply unacceptable when my dream school is Vassar. I decided that an essay about the impact of my lacking a sense of smell on my life would be a great way to share something distinct about me.

Is that what they want here? My own interpretation is that they are looking for an essay that captures your thoughts with respect to any topic, but only using four of the five senses in doing so. How many words are you allowed? Why don't you write about your aspirations with regard to your attending Vassar? Or, perhaps you can write about how you have prepared for Vassar...?

Just some thoughts for you to consider. If you give us some ideas as to what it is you are thinking (generally speaking), I think that we can offer you some insight.

Mark

Undergraduate / My years in Dubai, Stanford Supplement Short Essays - intellectually engaging [7]

When you ask people that have only heard of Dubai, or visited during vacations, to describe it in one word, or sentence, you get wonderful things like: such as Paradise, ostentatious, beckoning, or "Better than anywhere else" ."

I took the first sentence only for starters -- to show you that you are using too many commas.

Re-work the essay and eliminate some of the commas.

Mark

Undergraduate / My identity in music: Common App short essay [10]

My heart pulsates with the rhythm, my mind is immersed in notes and my arm is covered with goose bumps. Only music can hold such power. For me, it is a transformation from a world of teenage stress to a world of serenity and from an academically overachieving Indian kid to an unidentified Carnatic music vocalist. My identity in music is insignificant; it is masked by my interpretation of melodious scales, my varying skill in different rhythms, and my willingness to learn. I cherish that I am a part of something eternal; although there is an end to every life, there is never an end to music.

Can you answer one question for me? What is the topic of your essay? Where is your topic sentence for this para? You will need to re-work the essay so that it reflects what your personal experiences.

Mark

Undergraduate / Medical issue, severe psoriasis - Need help with statement App question [14]

S Frick,

That depends on when it started. If the problems started before, then write before, otherwise stick with at the time.

Yes, I think that your statement conveys a positive message -- it's also a powerful one.

As far as Embrel goes, what happened to the other, topical treatments, don't they work?

Mark

Writing Feedback / 'destroyed pleasures'; Childhood is the happiest time of a person's life [8]

Therefore my conclusion is childhood is not the happiest time for every person's life though it may be the happiest for many who are lucky enough.

Therefore, my conclusion is that childhood is not always the happiest time in everyone's life, although, for those who are lucky, this period of time can be a happy and memorable time in their lives.

Mark

Undergraduate / The name recognition, the diversity, the location, or the weather - Why Stanford [6]

Try this instead:

Stanford is the school to which I would like to attend. It's the only one that makes me feel as if I should belong; that really matters to me as I haven't felt as if I should belong for some time. Stanford is where I see myself in one year from now. When I close my eyes and imagine myself in other schools, they just don't fit me.

Your entire two paragraphs contain "run-on sentences." You need to create or develop shorter sentences by using periods or semi-colons.

Mark

Undergraduate / The name recognition, the diversity, the location, or the weather - Why Stanford [6]

Stanford is the school I want to go to Stanford is the school to which I would like to attend, . i It's the only one that makes me feel as if I could should belong, which really matters to me as I haven't felt like I belong for so long, . it It is where I see myself in one year, . when I close my eyes and imagine myself in other schools it just doesn't fit.

There is a run-on sentence. I had to break it down. Also, the first sentence, now sounds a little better. You can do better -- brush it up a little.

Mark

Undergraduate / Medical issue, severe psoriasis - Need help with statement App question [14]

At the time I started the Embrel treatment, I had completed all course work through midterm and had then; three A's and one B. My final semester grades were two D's, a C, and a B. My cumulative GPA dropped from 3.79 to 3.42, while my science GPA moved from 3.76 to 3.29.

Change it to: and by then I had three As and one B. There is no "'" after the letter A, by the way. As in the first part of the sentence: My final semester grades were two Ds, a C, and a B.

I am sorry to hear about your skin disease. Hope that someday they can come up with something better for you. Good luck!

Mark

Undergraduate / Vires, Artes, Mores: "an unprecedented number of barriers" [4]

After every challenge I have met and overcome there is no force in the world that could stop me now.

After every challenge I have met and overcome, there is no force in the world that can stop me.

My junior year, to my satisfaction, the school hired a new acting teacher.

During my junior year, to my satisfaction, the school hired a new acting teacher. (what is an acting teacher?)

You ought to include the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" in your essay, even though you might think that you have already described them.

Mark

Undergraduate / Football team, people, tradition, excellence: "Why The Ohio State University?" [4]

Last para:

From what I have heard, the excellent programs at OSU are exactly the type I would like to be involved in

From what I have heard, the excellent programs at Ohio State University are exactly the type in which I would like to be involved.

Good essay,

Mark

Undergraduate / "The Dive" - Common Application Swimming Essay [9]

In the following sentence, I felt the wall and popped my head out of the water to witness Mike coming in, change the preposition so that it does not appear at the end of the sentence.

I looked over the essay again...and again. You made the corrections that others have suggested as well. It looks good. As Kevin said, I also like the theme. The separate paragraphs adds to the substance of the essay.

Good luck with your endeavors. University of Chicago is an excellent school!

Mark

Essays / Ideas for personal statement for MSC in sustainable energy technology [5]

Sometimes, it is beneficial to just sit down and write anything about the topic, not paying particular attention to your grammar, syntax, etc., and then after you have written all of the words you want, re-write the essay -- then present it to us as a group. Someone will critique it for you. Give it a try. Don't try at first to write perfectly, just get your thoughts on paper.

Mark

Undergraduate / 'reevaluation of my life' - Vires, Artes, Mores : Strength, Skill, Character [7]

Yes, I think that you captured the essence of the prompt, but you can improve upon the introduction by separating the intro into a number of paragraphs, preferably one para for each of the words that you are describing and defining: "Vires, Artes, Mores"

I would use one para for each of the words and then another para for a summation. Make those changes and then present it to the group again. Perhaps someone else might have some inputs.

Mark

Essays / Genres and Discourse Communities [8]

I need to write an essay about how a genre helped me in my discourse community to become a better reader & writer. Please help! :)

Well, what specific genre do you like to read? And, how does or did this genre help you to become a better writer? Have you one specific genre that you like over others? Have you read a lot of one kind of book? Do you like to read a specific type of book? After you read a book, don't you get the feeling that you can (or might be able to) write better? Don't you see different uses of words or sentences that you have not seen before?

Try to answer these questions, then try to write something along those lines and present it to the group/forum. I think that you will get a better response.

Mark

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - 'Meng Zi Story'; Classmates are a more important influence [4]

First, Small children can be seems as blank paper, the environment created by parent would have implicit but significant influence on children before his school age.

==> don't capitalize on the word "small." But, try this instead:

First, small children can often be seen as blank paper; the environment created by a parent would have implicit, but significant influences on children before the school ages.

Third paragraph: "In addition "to" that...." not "of that."

Use the suggestions that the others have provided to you as well, and I think that you will have a fine essay.

Mark

Graduate / "the profession of physical therapy" - PTCAS Graduate Application Essay [4]

Rather than capitalize on some of the words for emphasis, use the italics instead, as in the first paragraph, 3rd sentence.
I would probably start a new paragraph with the following sentence: Home no longer looked what it used to a couple of months before. It presents a new idea.

I am very impressed with your essay. You might want to tighten it up a little by using a few more paragraphs. Other than that, I cannot contribute much. It is very well written.

Mark

Undergraduate / 'reevaluation of my life' - Vires, Artes, Mores : Strength, Skill, Character [7]

Not sure if the following sentence makes sense: I seek to find long term happiness rather than instant gratification then later on regretting about my decision, based on mistakes I have seen others make.

Why don't you try this: I seek to find long term happiness rather than instant gratification, only to later regret my decisions that were based on some of the mistakes that others have made.

You might benefit with more paragraphs as well. "in the value of Mores..." you might want to start a new paragraph there.

"My family values mirror," not mirrors...

Thanks,

Mark